Doctors with Compassion

What a great breakfast i had today. I am from duty and i fed on our chairman's famous expressions and emotional outburst. Well, not just me actually but all of us in the department had a share of it. What a surprise it was for all of us. Our chairman came to the office early in the morning to deliver his quotable quotes complete with all the bleeep.....bleeep..... and bleeeep.

The last time i saw him so furious was about 2 years ago. It was our first day in the department as post graduate interns. I was wondering what caused all of those bleeep and bleeep to spill from his gray matter. We later found out that he didnt have had a goodnight sleep the night before. Of course, we knew it after he has mellowed down. Our chairman's like a pendulum you know. He could be furious for a couple of minutes and be as warm and as dear as a father once he cools down.

Fact is, he couldnt sleep after witnessing something in the wards. He was very much affected by the death of one of our patients and was very much disturbed by the reaction of one of my co-residents. Sad to observe that there really are some colleagues of mine who become so detached from their patients that they almost forget to emphatize. Some become calloused, insensitive and too mechanical that there seems to be a barrier between him and his patients. What's worse however if this attitude starts only a year after one become a full-fledged doctor. A doctor with brains but with no heart.

Here's this man however, so successful in his chosen profession, strengthened and hardened by the system, dreaded by the interns and residents, respected by his peers, been in this profession for decades, who showed me what a good and authentic doctor should really be like. He might have fed us with all his bleep....bleep early morning today, but he fed my heart with something to blog about.

I was once again reminded not to lose that compassion. The character that makes us doctors different from the others if i might quote him. I remembered how i got so affected by my patients' death when i started residency training. I remembered too however how i become numbed at times for being too detached, in order to prevent myself from feeling something awful about myself and my patient's death.

It is not an excuse for us just because we are toxic with work not to feel something for our patients. It is not an excuse too not feel for our patient's family. I believe that in all the residency trainings here in town, we are the ones who are very much challenged. We get to face patients and their families who are illiterate and who, pardon my words, really didnt have manners. We get to treat patients who are penniless, with nothing but sickness. The challenge of treating the patients' sickness and getting along well with their families is a big feat for us everyday.

Challenged we may be everyday, but we are just too blessed to have one great mentor with us. Someone who never fails to remind us to keep that compassion and spirit of service alive. Someone who never fails to show us what an ideal and compassionate doctor really is.

I Survived

Currently from duty and i'm quite wasted from my duty last night. Was the only resident on duty in the Department together with my intern. In anticipation, i was expecting for the worse. Branded as the most toxic resident in the department, being left all alone with noone to neutralize my so called "toxic powers", the worse i guess did happen.

I'm nursing tendinitis while posting this blog. My ankles were swollen after a 24-hour roving around the hospital. Had to answer several referrals aside of course from managing the emergency room. At least my intern was reliable enough to be left all alone at the ER lest i wouldnt be able to answer ward calls.

Toxicity started around 7pm right after i cleared the ER and started to make my ward rounds. Havent finished making rounds with our co-managements in surgery when the ICU nurse texted me that our ICU consultant was making her rounds there. Had to rush to the ICU and accompany her then in examining our patients. A few minutes thereafter, i received a phone call from a friend in anesthesia. They're having a post-op patient with arrhythmia. Oh well! Seems like i was having my practical exam from the workshop i just attended.

My hunch was right. When it rains, it pours. After hanging up, i received another call from the emergency room. We have a new patient for intubation, a case of hemorrhagic stroke. Where to go first? What referral to prioritize? Time to rationalize and intellectualize. Ordered my intern to do the intubation herself and to admit the patient. Asked the anesthesia resident to have an ecg taken first before i see the patient. I was alone alright and i couldnt answer all referrals at the same time. Fortunately, my consultant felt the urgency of the referrals ive received. Her rounds didnt last long. Just in time when i received the message from my anesthesia friend that the ecg strip was already waiting for me. Rushed to the operating room and went to see the patient. Toxicity, fatigue and hypoglycemia overpowered me that i could hardly identify an SVT! Sheesh! Where has my workshop learning gone? Well, with a conviction that was quite non-convincing, i called up our cardiology consultant to refer the patient's case. He believed my reading and trusted my judgement. Gave me a go signal for the plans i wanted to do with our patient. Deep inside me though i was thinking,"If i'm reading this ecg wrongly, i'm messing up not just with our cardiology consultant but with 2 other departments in the hospital: departments of surgery and anesthesia."

I hate the feeling of not remembering anything. Seemed as if i was having a short-term memory loss. Signs of aging or signs of brain decay? But no. I couldnt allow this thing to happen. Rushed to our conference room hoping that i could find someone to confirm my reading. God is good to me i could really say. A senior of mine was still around and she confirmed my reading. Woohoot! I'm not getting demented yet i guess.

In summary, here i am, posting this blog, happy to announce and document that i survived that one hell of a duty. As always, not losing my temper and keeping my cool has a prize. Just when im from duty, there would always be cash distribution...may it be in a form of our montly salary or the hazard pay. Today, after a hard day's work, i received our hazard pay and our monthly bonus! Sheesh...ive got this feeling that Big Dad really spoils me...tee-hee!

Back to Reality

After a coveted 4-day vacation in the country's jungle capital, and after living a life of comfort in one of the 5-star hotels in the country, here i am, back again to reality. For tomorrow's another 24-hour duty for me. Alone! Not literally alone actually, but officially, i'm the only resident who's on duty together with my interns. Add the fact that i will be on a duty again the next day! Hay, i just wish that i'll be benign and be able to tackle the tasks that are expected from me.

Anyhow, was back to the wards this morning. Was once again exposed to the smell that's unique only to our ward. A few hours before that, i was smelling the crisp smell of the linens while lying in the comfort of my hotel room. I was once again exposed to the cold and bacteria-laden hospital beds where our patients rest in contrast to the bed i was sleeping upon in my hotel for four straight nights. Floor 1's humid environment once again activated my sweat glands that also took a break when i was in the confines of my hotel room. I was once again acquainted to the dietary trays that are being distributed to our patients and where cats roaming around the ward would sometimes eat. A complete opposite of the breakfast buffet meals we had where we get to choose from a variety of breakfast preparations. May it be an American, Filipino, Japanese or Chinese meal, it simply conveys one message: feast your eyes, feed your stomach.

I was just thankful for that break in my routine schedule. A little rebreather once again gave me the energy to keep what i'm doing. That is, working and serving in a humid, smelly, bacteria-filled environment. The contrasts that i have witnessed even strengthened the idea that yep! the hospital is the place where i am very much needed. There's no match to the warmth of human interactions that im having with my patients no matter how sick they are. There's nothing more comforting than the idea that i have saved a life from sickness or from death. Having that break in a comfortable place is just an opportunity for me to regain all the energy and warmth that i'm pouring into this place of the sick and the dying. Back to reality, here i am, once again a doctor, and no matter how draining this profession could be, forever i still choose to remain.

Counting the Hours

It's 1 in the morning. I'm currently on duty. Guess what i'm doing? Actually, after about two weeks, we now have an internet connection here in our office. So this blog.hehe Well, it's been days that we had our connection back according to our ISP, but our pc had its fits, we still couldnt connect to the net. I really dont know whats happening but a troubleshooter that i am, i was challenged. In short, i tried to connect the wire to our laptop and i discovered just tonight that our ISP wasnt lying after all. I was able to connect to the internet. The second puzzle was to figure out what's happening with our pc why it cannot access to the internet. Well, curious that i am, i tried to press different buttons, entered the set-up menu, discovered somethings that were disabled and enabled them. Tadaaah! Here i am posting this blog from our pc! The signs! I really think that i must have a career shift now.hehe

In relation to the so called career shift, a few more hours from now and i'll be out of this hospital! Yipee!!! Not a career shift actually, just a minor break from my boring work. I'll be flying to Manila to attend a workshop and though it's still work-related (sob!) knowing that we have to read and interpret ecg tracings there, the idea is, im still out of this hospital. Period. For 4 days, I will not interact with the sick and the dying. For 4 days, i will be away from this jungle i am in. For 4 days, i'll be in a new dimension! For 4 days, i will have a rebreather. Oh well, thinking about my 4-day break from the hospital already brings relief.hehe

I love the feel of being in the airport, waiting for my flight. I love the feeling of travelling in air, almost touching the clouds. I love the feeling of being in a new place, breathing a different air. I too love the feeling of troubleshooting pc stuffs may it be software or hardware related. Geez, when you're bored with work, just a minor change in the schedule, activity or in the environment would definitely give you a different high.hehe

He Makes a Way

I am tired and from duty. Before i go to the dreamworld though to rest my tired mind and body, let me first post this blog. I just would like to thank the Great Architect up there for making ways for me. Well, i have a lot of things to be thankful for just for today. Once again, He reminded me to remain a grace under pressure. When things wouldnt turn out the way im expecting them to be, i just have to look up to Him and give Him a wink. Yep! Everything's under control ma'am. For today, this i was reassured of.

Scene 1: Yesterday, a day before my Thursday presentation, the sponsor for the breakfast still wasnt able to commit that she's going to make it the next day. Was quite disturbed for if the consultants would have nothing to eat, i might be their breakfast meal the next day. We asked for another sponsor and he responded to the call. What's surprising however is that, today, the food was overflowing during my presentation. The previous sponsor who wasnt able to commit, sent food unexpectedly. In short, we had two sponsors for the breakfast today!

Scene 2: I needed an lcd for my presentation. The secretary of the hospital confirmed that it was already reserved for my presentation for today. A few minutes prior to my presentation however, the lcd wasnt available. She forgot that it was reserved by another group for the next 3 days. I was about to lose my temper. I gave her a little of my mind for the negligence actually. Was about to lose my poise until i remembered a dear friend who happens to own an lcd. Guess what? I called her up and to my surprise, she brought her lcd along with her in the hospital! She's going to use it for her afternoon presentation and what a timing! I was able to borrow an lcd for my presentation! Pretty cool eh!

Scene 3: I am from duty. As usual, my hypothesis was again supported that everytime i am from duty, it would also be the time that we will be given our salaries. I am a few thousand bucks richer today. Well, not until i distribute my salary for my bills.

Scene 4: After several nights of reading and preparing for my slides, i was able to give my audience the presentation that they deserve. Everything just paid off. I didnt just receive praises, i was also able to save myself from being grilled and be eaten alive in front by our consultants.

Well, before i retire and finally give myself a break it deserves, i really couldnt help but smile for everything that has happened today. The Great Architect truly doesnt want to see me stressed or disturbed. I might have almost snapped out today because of the mishaps, but He remains to be faithful to His promises for me. He really does make way when there seems to be no way.

5:30 Habit...Relived

Forget the gastritis, i missed Bo's cafe's mocha froccino that for two consecutive days, i gulped down two grande size of it. I had a grande of mocha froccino yesterday after our oral exams at the hospital. I was just wondering though why it didnt taste good. Actually, it wasnt just me who commented about its different taste. The Bo's Cafe trio all wondered why our fave drinks were no longer satisfying. It has been quite some time since our last 5:30 habit session that this afternoon, we found ourselves seated in our favorite place at Bo's. We just wanted to prove that it's the ambiance at Bo's that makes our drinks taste better.

Bringing along our props (our bible in the department that is), we planned to study at Bo's...you know, read a little for another oral exam. We found ourselves however talking about anything under the sun. Our books left untouched, lying cold on one of the empty chairs. Truly, mocha froccino tasted better there. Why? The talks, the ambiance, made it taste better. Added to that, Blue mexican's nachos spiced up the conversations. Spending some time there allowed us to unload all our toxicities from work. Some of our topics redirected our paths, realigned our plans and made us feel better about our work. It's just, after a hard day's work, spending time with some friends over coffee makes me love my work even more. Yep! No pun intended.

Outside Looking In

I love the feeling of a "from-duty." The fact that my 24-hour duty was over and that i'll be in an on-call status the next day is comforting. Also, i love the feeling of being from duty watching my colleagues doing their stuffs inside the ER.

Everytime i am from a 24-hr duty, my dad fetches me from work. I usually fall asleep when i take a puj that i might find myself somewhere when i wake up that's why. My favorite place to hang around at the hospital while waiting for my dad is the ER lobby. With my duty bag filled with soiled clothes and my harrassed look, i sit with the patients' watchers at the lobby. I love the feeling of being with them. Not a doctor, but an ordinary individual like the people around me. I love to hear conversations and commentaries from lay people. I may not join their conversations, but at least i get to hear non-medical people talking about other things than sickness. I sometimes let out a grin or two when i hear them talk with conviction about their patient's cases. Or if they make a comment about the doctors i know who are currently on duty inside the emergency room.

It's really destressing to be an ordinary human being. Being a doctor seems to be a super hero job for me. You have this signature stethoscope complete with a white coat signifying power and responsibility. Power over your patient's sickness and responsibility over your patient. This job is usually draining. Sometimes, you just wanted to feel at your weakest, wanting to throw away the stethoscope and remove the coat. In my casual clothes, sitting with the patients' folks at the ER lobby, i feel so free. Freed from responsibilities, freed from the yoke that my profession has laid upon my shoulders.

Watching my colleagues runnng to and fro attending to the patients at the ER, i tend to appreciate our profession. We may be burning out but when on the call of duty, amazing how we could perform our jobs and responsibilities. Collegues my age or younger than i am by a year or two show authority over the emergency room. It seems like being inside the emergency room and being on duty would require an additional decade for our current age. You can however observe the transition of an ordinary human being (like me when i am from duty), to a superhero who gets to save lives inside the ER.

It's destressing to be an ordinary human being alright, but being a doctor is more rewarding and challenging. The adrenaline rush of resuscitating someone who's dying brings out the best in you. The maximum tolerance over difficult patients and folks would usually test your patience and character. The time-bound decisions that you have to make in order to save a life sharpens your mind. The criticisms of seniors and consultants would usually strengthen your spirit. These can only be felt in this profession that i chose to take. Being a doctor is really draining but sometimes, all we need is a little rest and a little time to look at our job from another perspective in order to appreciate it and be thankful for it.

Two Kinds of Evil

There are two kinds of evil. The ones who do evil things and the ones who allowed these evil things to happen.

I was thinking that the Monday conference this morning would be different from the others. Here was our boss who had a lot of ideas that are overflowing from his gray matter, who talked about his plans in the committee that he was heading. The audience would tend to agree with his ideas and plans...all for the benefit of the hospital especially our patients. I was wrong though. The conference would have been different from the Monday crap conferences we are obliged to attend, if not for one individual who wanted to let it remain as crap as ever. Aside from wasting our time listening to arguments and witnessing emotional outbursts, it started my week on a wrong mood.

Funny how one person who would want everybody be in a win-win situation be scrutinized in front and be questioned of his pure and sincere intentions. He must have hit a sensitive part somewhere. It's like, "bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan wag magalit." The one who stood up and who was very defensive was obviously guilty! His points of argument were out of the topic. If i know, he has just self interests to protect to.

How i hated other people who remained quiet. They all have something to say yet they remained quiet in their seats. I would want to stand and object with what the guilty evil was saying but that would be an insubordination on my part. I, a junior resident, questioning the administrator of the hospital? If consultants who are way older than i am couldnt even speak a single word, what more can a resident like me do? Darn! I got scared!

I was sorry for my boss. I was sorry for my patients. I was sorry for the hospital. Sorry for myself. Here's what you get from speaking your mind and from sharing your purest intentions for the benefit of the patients. People will question you no matter how clear that there's no point of argument. Fact is, their self interests are just endangered. Mediocrity and corruption have never left government institutions. They have become the battle-cry i guess of every government-ran agency. We were even reminded that since we are working in a government institution, we must abide with the rules and regulations of the government. Crap! Plain foolish crap! This is all i could say.

I am just in my 2nd year in this hospital...ok make it three if ill include my internship. I have witnessed two kinds of evil that exist in this institution. Those who do evil - the corrupt and mediocre ones, and those who allowed these evils to exist - the fence-sitters and apathetic ones. As i stay longer here, i try to examine what ive become. Definitely not with the first group. Im afraid though that if i wouldnt speak, ill definitely belong to the latter.

As of now, im learning the talent of diplomacy. Speaking what my gray matter would want to convey and expressing what my heart would want to be felt...in a courteous, civil and peaceful way. I'm trying to conceal my identity of being a renegade. When the time is right and there's a need for me to speak up, i know that i will not be just giving justice to myself, but justice to the deprived majority - our patients.

Hell, this is the reason why i am here! If i remain quiet and belong in the 2nd group of evils, i'd better leave this crap institution and rather plant camote.

I Wish I Were

I'm from duty...tired...restless...sleepless yet still working overtime. If i'll be given 3 wishes for tonight, i would definitely wish for sleep...precious sleep. Yet, i cant sleep without finishing this thing im working on. Second, i would wish for a whole body spa...to relax those tired muscles...to rest my beaten body. Lastly, i wish i were SUPERMAN! Need not elaborate on this i guess.=P

Divine Providence

If there's really a place on earth where i could say that i witness divine providence happening everyday, it's the hospital where i currently work...Corazon Locsin Montelibano Memorial Regional Hospital. A tertiary government hospital that's supposed to be just a 400-bed capacity institution. Yet, being the catch basin of all medical and surgical cases from all over Negros Occidental, its alleys can accomodate even twice its expected capacity.

People from all walks of life especially the marginalized flock in our institution. Most of them were sent by district hospitals that couldnt handle their complicated cases (yep! a gastroenteritis with SOME dehydration is quite complicated isnt it?) What's worse however is that these people expect that everything's for free in our institution (better ask the government why things here arent for free). Thus, most of them come with nothing in their wallets, just an empty stomach and the sickness that they have.

As the "welcoming" doctor at the emergency room, i witnessed how hard it is not to have anything with you but sickness. Diagnosing and treating the sick is quite hard. What's harder however is to have nothing in your hand but the "idea" alone on how to treat him/her. When the patient have nothing but sickness, the orders that you make remain in the confines of the chart. Not even the Social Welfare could help much. A little discount in the laboratories is well, acceptable enough. The medications however that are vital in one's survival are so scarce. Much more if we are gifted with the pharmacy that has nothing but intravenous solutions and oral medications! Treating the sick here is like going to war with no arms. It's like everyday, we all have to depend on the miracles that might come down from heaven.

Amazing however how our patients could go home well and improved. Some were provided with intravenous fluids alone and a cold hospital bed yet they become well the next day. Our iv fluids might have some healing powers. Or maybe our beds were contaminated enough with bacteria that they are now capable of producing antibiotics that treats the patient lying on it through skin contact.

Seriously, what's heart warming is that it is in this institution where i witness the goodness of man. This is where divine providence is tangible. A fellow patient for example who's gifted with a little more finances extending help to the patient beside him/her. Or a nurse or a doctor getting something from his/her wallet buying the patient's medication. This is how most of our patients survive sickness. Those who go home improved and have spent nothing are the most blessed. I just hope that they felt how God moved through the people around them and made them well.

That is why no matter how toxic i am or no matter how burnt-out i become, seeing how people help each other is enough to give me the energy to move on and to keep on doing what i have started. I am one of the instruments that God is using in order to let other people feel, no matter how poor or sick they are, how special they are in His heart. I am one of the channels of His divine providence to the sick and less fortunate. I may be overworked, underpaid and restless, but knowing how big the role is that i'm playing in the survival of one patient and his/her family, all of these sacrifices are nothing compared to the fulfillment that i feel. Dont you think it's also divine providence?

On Beatitudes and MY TOXICITY

It's 4am and i am still wide awake. Havent slept even a wink yet. Nothing beats my toxicity when im on duty that i am already on the verge of giving up on myself. As i remember the beatitudes to help me feel better, i felt the worse as i witness how comfortable other people were:

Lucky are the nurses at the stations i visited...they're stealing precious naps.

Precious is my intern...she already had several REMs.

Chosen one is my senior...he has been revisiting dreamworld several times.

Blessed are my patients even if they're sick...they sleep comfortably even in their crowded wards.

Ironic me...now that i have the time to sleep...here i am whining and posting this blog.

Alright, im outta here! ZZZzzzZZZzzzZzZzzZZZ

Toxic-filled

Everytime im in a from duty status, im always on the verge of giving up on myself. Yep! Im giving up on my toxicity. Sometimes im thinking that life could be just so unfair on me. When other residents who go on duty could sleep for one straight hour or so, i on the other hand is granted a maximum of 30 minute naps. If i'd say that i slept around 2 hours when on duty, these 2 hours are composed of four 30-minute naps. I couldnt even say that i would reach REM by this time.

Alright! Supposedly, we are not allowed to sleep when on duty. Hell yeah! Robots could do this but i am no superwoman who needed no sleep. Short naps are vital in maintaining my physiologic state.

My duty yesterday was one hell of an experience. We were quite benign in the early hours but just when the unholy hours came, an icu patient became toxic. I stayed in the icu most of the time in order to monitor his status. Literally, i was awake, on guard on whatever-might-happen-next to him. At 2am, i was calling a consultant, referring the patient's status. Had a nap at around 4:30 only to be awakened by a commotion. The patient's father, who was restless and sleepless like me stopped the peritoneal dialysis procedure that the patient was undergoing that time. He even threatened the nurses at the icu. I was up on my feet and faced him with courage. I was sleepless, tired and is now harrassed. He wouldnt listen to reasons and explanations. His graymatter might have been clouded by worries, fears, fatigue and concern towards his patient. I felt for him and i just hope that he felt for me too...you know the fact that i cared so much for his patient too. Most of my time when i was on duty, i spent with his patient. Now, he seem not to appreciate everything that i have done for his son. Pathetic me...i forgot that i came here to serve and not to expect anything in return from whoever. Instead, I didnt continue with my argument. Have to leave the restless father and his toxic son in peace. I was in a dilemma...here i was, wanting to save a 23-year old life. The patient however was giving up himself and his father has lost his faith too. Words just couldnt comfort them...my tiredness might have affected my convincing powers. Tell me now why i really needed some sleep.

Came 8am, the patient arrested. He just gave me time to freshen up...i just have to look fresh despite being sleepless. I was really meaning to save him. All measures were given...i have to defibrillate him and he was eventually revived after 5 epinephrines. Goodness, despite being sleepless, i still had the energy to perform the resuscitation. Mind over body eh. I only felt relief when my senior already took over my post.

Geez, i wasnt off after 8am. Have to stay at the hospital until 5pm. I was like a walking zombie. My brain's above my shoulder alright but i seem to be dragging it with my feet. Was trying to get some power naps but when you're toxic-filled, something's that will steal your precious sleep will always happen.

Now that i am home, i am expected to be lying comatosed on my bed by now. Ironic however, here i am in front of this lcd posting this blog. Just when i was longing for precious sleep when i was in the hospital, my toxicity was to the fullest...i couldnt put myself to sleep now that i am home. My system's crashing. My blood is caffeine-free alright but here i am wide awake still. My neurotransmitters might have gone haywire. I feel so lightheaded yet there's something inside this brain of mine that tells me to finish to post.

Oh well, shall we say that im just doing some clean up. Have to free my mind from trash and im currently posting it here right now. As i am about to conclude this post, im feeling better. My eyes are now getting heavier....my neurotransmitters might have been used up...my gray matter's starting to lose words...im starting to yawn now...my bed's now inviting me to dreamworld.

...oooops it's only in dreamworld that i'm toxic-free! yipee!

Consuelo de Bobo

I am from duty! Yep! I love the feeling of being from duty. You know, the relief that your 24-hour duty was over, the comfort that you're going to hit bed like a comatosed patient after office hours and the assurance that the next day will be an on-call day. In short, you're only required an 8-5 shift at the hospital.

What i love best however from being from duty is that i am receiving something from the crap hospital that i am currently working. What i mean is that the giving of salaries or bonuses usually happen when i'm tired and battered, almost giving up to my toxicity, and from duty! Even my colleagues already use my from duty status as an indicator in estimating when the next pay or bonus day will be. I think this must be noted in our monthly duty schedule.hehe

I call this as the "Consuelo de bobo phenomenon." Just when i am about to give up on my toxicity. Just when i feel like quitting. Just when i am too tired after a very toxic duty...i am given my salary. Nah! I worked here for learning and not for monetary gain. It just feels good however to receive a "reward" from an almost inhuman work. I may be not compensated well but it somehow alleviates my tiredness and neutralizes my toxicity. It makes me feel blessed that despite being toxic, at least, i am being paid. Well even if my salary is not that much, at least it's good enough to raise a giant like me. You know, paying my telephone bills, dues and thingies and gadgets i would wish to buy.

When i feel like complaining and unappreciative of my "Consuelo de bobo" salary, i must always try to remember this event. I was with some nurses at the cashier this morning waiting in line for our salaries. As i sign on the payroll, i saw some amount that the other employees are going to receive. I realized that for some, i am receiving 10x their share! What's worst? They have a family to raise and i have none. Now, need i complain further?

Never Ever to Pink

I swear! Never in my whole life will i ever wear pink on duties again! I have actually even have a post on how toxic i was in pink. Most people have observed that i really am toxic when i am in pink. Oh well, not to mention the fact that i really am naturally toxic...fact is, i already learned to accept this. But being toxic when i'm in pink? Nah! I still was in my denial stage not until my 24-hour duty yesterday was over.

There were two of us on duty last night. I was with my junior who's barely 2 months in the department. She was supposed to man the emergency room and i, the icu and the wards. Morning shift was a bit benign. We never had an admission actually until 2 pm. The rest was meant to be a part of history.

My job last night was a feat worth posting. From assisting my junior at the emergency room admitting patients, i was off in the wards to answer ward calls and referrals. When an icu patient got toxic, i stayed there for some time and calls would come in requiring me to answer an intraoperative monitoring. What to do? Divide myself and do things at the same time? Of course i have to prioritize my own patients first. Have to ask the anesthesia resident on duty to text me should any problem arise for i really couldnt make it to the induction. Nevertheless, i was able to see the patient at the operating room. Thank God, no untoward incident happened.

Just when i was resuscitating a patient at the emergency room and the flux of patient was at its maximum, ward referrals kept on coming too. Some even sounded so toxic that needed my immediate attention. I was about to loose my tolerance and patience. I was too toxic however to get irritated. I managed everything with a humor.

We had 22 admissions and i had 9 interdepartmental referrals! Take note...N-I-N-E. Seldom does this happen in a whole 24-hour duty. Even the space for our interdepartmental calls in our census only allotted 5!

I realized how toxic the pink blouse i was wearing at 2 am. Have to freshen up and change into my fresh, blue scrubs. After this, things have slowed down, the emergency room became quiet. I rested at the icu yet i could never get a single nap. The phone kept on ringing and the referrals kept on coming. It was until 4am when i finally decided that i needed a bed to lie upon. Whew! if i could only imagine the comfort of our conference room sofa. After a whole day to and fro, my legs finally found a time to rest.

If only one of our attendants at the ER have known. That morning of my duty, he kept on teasing me how attractive i was in pink. I was a bit pissed off when reminded me how toxic my duties were when i was in pink. I was planning to prove him wrong but he was right all along! Being in pink is really a jinx for me. Not only does it attract the wrong men...i was also pulling along patients. So, if discovery channel tells us that the color blue attracts mosquitoes...i could prove that the color pink attracts "bees" and patients too! Aargh!

A Storm Within

My PMS was over as so was my period. I am just wondering however why i still feel this heavy within...heavy, stormy, in turmoil. Is it my toxicity? Is it the load that my work gives me? Is it the responsibility that i have to carry everyday?

As i sit in the mass this afternoon, i wanted to calm the storm within. Everything's unruly, everything's so chaotic. I look good outside as most people claim but i am a walking disaster area. I could never single out a thing that caused all of these aside from my current profession. Hell, I'm burning out again. I am not on the verge of breaking down though. My sanity is still intact. It's just that work's been too much these days. What to do?

In the mass, i closed my eyes. Nope, not my usual start for sleeping during homilies. I kept quiet and allowed the Big Guy upstairs to examine me. I came out light and renewed thereafter.

The solution? When in chaos...keep quiet. When in turmoil...stand still. When faced with a storm within...be silent. I allowed Him to do the clearing up of the mess i've created. I accepted His calamity aid and welcomed Him back to my life. Yep! Work gave me no time for Him too. Now i realized why i was burning out so fast.

There's No Place Like Home

I'm back! Back from a 4-day off from work. Yet, as soon as i landed in Bacolod, i was back to the hospital for duty. Ewwww!!! No matter what however, it's still nice to be back home.

Well, Manila's still the same humid and crowded place i never long to be. The oath taking however requires me to be there. So as to make good use of the time that i was there, i tired my feet from walking and malling and meeting friend! Tee hee! In the end, I was left literally drained - my energy and wallet to be exact. My 4-day trip to Manila however was all worth it despite of all the "hardships" i've experienced. Quite an experience for someone like me who stays in the hospital seems all my life.

Day 1:
Left early for Manila in a from duty status. Sleepy, tired, excited, a mix of signs and symptoms i couldnt explain, to be exact. Took the 1st trip off to Manila and i spent most of the time sleeping. Well, forgot to feast my eyes on one my favorites sites...the white, cottony, fluffy clouds! Sleep was all that i wanted during this time. "Head-banging" is what i wanted to do! The only time i was awake was when the stewardess handed me my breakfast which i literally didnt eat at all.

I was with my senior resident and upon landing in Manila, we were fetched by our sponsoring drug company to be brought to our hotel. The hotel where we stayed was quite far from our conference site, and was even unknown to almost all drivers i met in Manila. Anyhow, it was nice alright. It provided me just enough comfort everytime i go back from a tiring trip around the metropolis. The bed's headboard was our most favorite area in the hotel because it was where we rested our tired legs! Well, not to mention the very first night we spent there. I was made to stand and wait for two hours before the oathtaking. It was not just me actually, but all of us...the candidates for associate fellow. We were thinking that maybe, it was one way of the college to initiate us! Good thing i was wearing a comfortable pair of heels. Tsk tsk i still could imagine how the others looked...stilletos anyone?hehe

The only meal i took after our lunch at Shakey's was a Starbucks coffee froccino. The same grande size froccino i gobbled up during the board exam that left me awake for 24-hours! My tiredness from going on duty the previous day and the trip however left the coffee powerless. Most of the time while attending the oathtaking ceremony, i was asleep! My narcolepsy attacked me again and together with my seatmates, sleep conquered us. After a 3-hour ceremony, all the awardings and the like, the anticipated part of the program came...the closing remarks! The only problem i had however was the place for us to eat and of course the trip back to our hotel. I was just blessed however to be seated with new found friends from Cebu. Aside from driving us back to our hotel, we were also invited to dinner! Whew!

Seeing our bed a little before midnight was a great relief! After all the standing, walking, traffic, and everything, our 1st day in Manila ended inside the comforters. I wanted to regain the lost sleep i had from our duty the previous day.


Day 2:
Have to get up early from bed so as to be able to attend the 1st lecture. Haha I just couldnt imagine how observant we were of the time and on how diligent we were in attending the lectures. Well, only in the 1st day of the convention to be more exact. This day's one of the most memorable. Why? For it was during this time that I ate fish! I mean, dishes made from big fishes! I dont eat big fishes...blue marlin, salmon, to name a few...they're not in my diet list. I have this certain fear of eating big fishes...it could be the smell or the idea that they might have eaten human beings too...hehe

We were treated for lunch by a drug company at Fish and Co. I really had no choice but to eat fish! The name was obvious enough that they serve no other dishes than seafoods! Anyhow, the dish i had was quite good. The spices and sauce it had masked the smell i abhor.

After lunch, an MRT ride to PGH consumed everything that i've eaten. My seniors have to take application forms for fellowship. I really couldnt imagine how humid manila was. It seemed as if i was inside an oven ready to be baked! Imagine how crowded the MRT carts were. Good thing, the carts they've provided for women and the elderlies were not that crowded. This, we took advantage of. What a relief it was to be able to ride these carts. We felt secure at least in the jungle we were in. Also, it was the only place in Manila that was cold enough to comfort us.

The night was then spent with two of my friends. A movie and a free dinner concluded the day. Was quite an experience to be with old friends again. We never ran out of stories to tell. If not for their busy schedules, we could have met again the following nights i was there.

Day 3:
This day was spent attending lectures and visiting the exhibits. I really couldnt imagine myself carrying a very big bag, big enough for me to fit inside, finding myself in the crowd of people inside the mrt. Most of the day was again spent walking...walking and shopping where? In megamall! Holy cow! Of all places, my tired feet went around megamall! I could feel my veins yelling at me!

The comfort of our bed welcomed me early in the afternoon. We rested for some time for i had another dinner date with another 2 friends in manila. Tsk tsk i didnt know that even in my trip in Manila i would be toxic enough to schedule meetings among my friends! While waiting for my friends, we were comforted by eating one of my fave ice cream. Woohoot! I miss fresh strawberries! Later in the night, we had our dinner at Greenbelt 3 and i didnt realize how crowded it was until i saw the waiting lines of costumers outside the restaurants. The "triplets" reunion was one of the memorable times i had (till next year tin and tom!). We never ran out of stories to tell and if only the night was longer, we could have chatted all night.

Day 4
People have been warning me that Divisoria is famous for its snatchers and pickpocketers. Little did they know that it is more notorious for its hold-uppers. I could never imagine how i was held-up in this place. For the last day of my short vacation in Manila, i was left with only the maintaining balance in my atm account! I was so amazed at how my 500 bucks could extend a very long way. I was able to buy 2 pairs of pants and blouse for 500 bucks! After a half-day of shopping, it was too late when i realized that one 500 out of my wallet was followed by another and another and another.tee hee Oh, not only that. I never felt so full after we ate at the foodcourt. Your mere 60 bucks was already good for two viands and a rice! Funny how extremes could coexist in a place like Manila. The other night, i was in Greenbelt. In place where i was really on guard of my wallet - afraid to spend on something that might cost more than half of my pocketmoney. The next day, i was in Divisoria. In a place where i also guarded my wallet from snatchers yet the Chinese businessmen there were wiser.hehe
After the time spent with my aunt who luckily accompanied us to Divisoria, we went back straight to the hotel and took some rest. I was once again reunited with my cellphone which was literally full of messages and missed calls. By the way, i was warned not to bring anything so my cellphone stayed in the hotel. Good for him, he had a time to rest!
Dinner time was spent with another friend. Quite full still after a great lunch, burger king was the place to hang out. I missed its refillable apple juice and oh, the junior whopper! After some talks and updates, i was back in our hotel after travelling all alone in a taxi. Felt quite secure in Makati area though. If i were staying in Manila, i wouldnt dare travel all alone.hehe
For my last night in the hotel, i just have to rest. I did i have a time off from the hospital but it was never a rest. By the time i returned to Bacolod, i was back on duty.

Whew! Got tired in my Manila trip and got so tired posting this blog too! Twas really nice to meet old and new friends again though. Anyhow, there really is no place like home! When I'm in Bacolod, no matter how toxic i am when i am from duty, i still could say that i could get a very good night rest.

Que Sera Sera

Just got done packing my things up. Well, quite used to packing my clothes every 3 days for a 24-hour duty, everything's done in a matter of an hour. Hehe I just hope i left nothing of importance.

One more duty left before i leave for Manila. In a matter of four days, i'll be taking a break from hospital work to attend an annual convention. It's not literally a break anyway. Seriously, i'd rather remain in the confines of the hospital than be in Manila. I need some rebreather though. As if i'll be breathing fresh air in Manila.hehe Well, to be in a different place, to be away from the sick and the dying is quite comforting. To sleep in the comfort of our hotel room, to meet new and old faces is quite rewarding. To wake up each day thinking that i will not be reporting to the hospital is a relief!

Aside from the convention itself, i plan to meet up with friends. I just dont know how to juggle my time and be able to fit my itinerary with their busy schedules. If only i could meet them all up in just one day at the same place. I really just have to grab the opportunity for i might be able to see them again the next year. Tsk tsk imagine even in my trip to Manila i still am toxic? Uggggh when will toxicity ever leave me?

Alright! My mind tells me to be a grace under pressure. Quite used to a toxic life, this toxic scheduling is a piece of cake! If they're my real friends, they'll have time to meet me anyway...hehe (hey peeps! read this?) Nah! Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be. To meet or not to meet...i came for the oath taking anyway.=P

Life's Simple Essence

It's a holiday today yet holiday's no excuse for not reporting to the hospital. We're always reminded by our chairman that our patients dont choose when to die. In short, we are very much needed at the hospital...especially on a holiday. Today's scheduled for a family day out of town. A neice's going to celebrate her 1st birthday party. In short, after dropping me off at the hospital, my whole family including our househelp went off to a city 2 hours away from Bacolod. Awww poor me.(geez! i sound so pathetic!)

So as to avoid the so-called "Home Alone Syndrome," i deliberately didnt go home early. We're supposed to be working on a half-day. Ironic but it's just today that my legs arent too excited to leave the hospital. I'm too timid to go on window shopping and quite disinterested to watch the new flick in town. A co-resident and i instead ended up at our conference room, having lunch with the duties. Good thing, while on my way to the hospital, i saw a McDo billboard advertising it's delivery. As simple as 433-McDo, i munched on my go-large cheeseburger meal after a few minutes.(burp! excuse me...)

Time was quite running slow though that my junior and i decided to finally go window shopping. Sad to say, flea markets and store sales culminated just yesterday. Also, most stores were close and we couldnt find a good bargain either. Guess where we ended up at last? At our favorite parlor to have our hair done! I had a hair spa and a little trimming. After my hair was blow-dried, how i wish not to take a bath for weeks so as to maintain my current crowning glory.

Sad to say, it was raining cats and dogs outside the parlor. Noone to fetch me and too afraid to get soaked in the rain, I have to take a taxi back home. Yep! Finally, I decided to go home. Maybe my family would be back by this time. Still, I was quite soaked in the rain as i reached our gate and i was disappointed to see how limp my hair got. Uh-oh! Only to find out too that I was home alone still - disappointment number 2. My mom texted me that the party's not over yet. Who welcomed me home? The new member of the family, our pup Rockley. Heard him crying upstairs at my mom's garden. Poor pup, he was tied by our helper in a shade yet he gets a little wet by the rain.

Quite soaked already and with my newly blowered hair already damaged, i decided to literally shower in the rain as i move the puppy to a shade. After being soaked though, my disappointments disappeared. Instead, i had a sudden feeling of freedom!

Ahhh life. I missed this! It's been more than a decade since i literally showered in the rain! I was back to a 6-year old girl, enjoying every droplet of water that touches me. I was carefree...quite insane if other people have seen me. As i get fully soaked, i felt totally free. Freed from responsibilities, freed from pain, freed from worries. How i wish i was back to a young, restless, carefree 6-year old. I was quite contented though for reliving that experience even for a few minutes.

Life's quite complicated alright! We usually wander and search for what could satisfy us, what could occupy our time, what could make us happy. We sometimes even spend for some pleasures and comforts. Yet this afternoon, i rediscovered something. A new way to unwind - a few minutes of getting soaked in the rain! Relaxing...unloading...refreshing...for FREE .

Stoned

Stoned...this is what i am right now.
Blame the crap system for being responsible.
Gone are my emotions, gone are those tears.
Everything seems mechanical for me.
No longer emotional, softy, or too attached.
Hide those signs of weakness that makes me vulnerable.
Principles are stepped upon and ignored by majority if you let them be.
"Survival of the fittest," so they say.

In my quest for survival i have to develop a protective shell.
In my fear of feeling pain and loss i started to harden.
In standing my ground, i learned to be brave.
In fighting for my right, i learned to be more assertive.
In my goal for excellence, i abhored mediocrity.

In this crap institution i am in, life became a constant struggle.
I am dealing with other people's lives and i feel so responsible for them.
Yet, how can i practice what's ideal when the government provides us with nothing?
How can i fight for life when my patients themselves are pathetic in saving their own lives?
How can i help others who are too hopeless to help themselves?
In a set up like ours, the practice of what's ideal remains in the confines of our books. Everything's just plain crap here.

As a result, life passes through my hands at a speed i couldnt imagine.
Death is as normal as breathing.
If i am not stoned, where will i find myself then?
If i wouldnt fight, where will my ideals go?
If i am placed in a different institution, will i feel the same way?
If i would leave this place however, who shall fight for them?

This Too Shall Pass

I dont know how to describe what i feel right now. Little things tend to irritate me. I am transforming into an old, grouchy, grumpy, spinster i never ever dreamt becoming. I feel that the people and the world around me are crap...all crap. I seem not to find pleasure in whatever that i do. Actually, I am too timid to move and do something. My room's a mess, my working table looks like a tsunami-disaster-area yet, I have no interest in fixing things up.

I wanted to be alone with myself, away from the people, away from the noisiness of this city. In other words, i just want to get lost. I am once again in my self-induced depression. Even blogging isnt at all interesting. I wanted to post this for i just want to let this thing out of my system. Tsk..tsk..it is this time of the month again that im having that hormonal surge. Why on earth am i experiencing this monthly PMS? I just wish i have a 6-month menstrual cycle!

Writer's Block

It seems that i'm quite uninspired these past few days. Things that have been happening to me were not that extraordinary that's worth writing about. Maybe, i should say that i'm still in this writer's block-mode. My creative juices might have dried up because of the summer heat. There's just one thing that could describe what i feel right now though. I think Alanis could describe it well for me...=P

HAND IN MY POCKET (Alanis Morrisette)

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"Hand In My Pocket"

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five


I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

What Lies Ahead

Well, i havent posted a blog for quite some time. Blame it on my writer's block (if i do consider myself a writer), or blame it on my current status. Yep! Not that i am preoccupied with whatever (like lovelife as what you might be expecting) aside from my current residency training. Actually, it's the residency training still that consumes much of my time. With great power lies great responsibility as what they say. I have posted in my previous blog that i was expecting for an April fool's joke when April started. I was informed that i am to assume a senior resident position at 2nd year. Thus, going on duty as a senior caused me to be more voracious with my readings...even if i have a difficulty doing it.

At this time, i am quite worried about the next year. What lies ahead of me? No senior to refer to, the last in the heirarchy. Our chairman emphasized just this morning that what puts us in the upper ground over our juniors is our knowledge. Im wondering if i have such knowledge to assume the upper ground he was refering to. I must never let my eyes off from my books! Goodness to this extent? Exaggeration as it may sound but i can feel the burden.

God, im dealing with lives here. I know that i need to read and i must read. Goodbye netsurfing, goodbye friendster, goodbye blogging, goodbye chatting...is that it? I just hope that whatever lies ahead of me, i still could breath fresh air. I could say goodbye to all of these except for one thing...blogging's my air...i could never deprive myself of this commodity.

It's My Life

Im just currently amazed with the idea of posting videos of my fave songs in my blogs. This is also another way of saying...geez, im currently in my writer's-block-mode. I think i need more inspiration. No wonder...patients kept on coming for admission - to inspire me!

For my renegade-mode, here's the song that keeps me going.=P

IT'S MY LIFE (Bon Jovi)

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Cheers to the 28 Years

I might have missed the annual videoke birthday session but my 28th year birthday would be considered a memorable one. Not because i received a lot of threats from friends, relatives and even consultants that if i dont commit myself with someone at this time, i just have to prepare myself to sign up with the "Spinster Club." How many times did i hear people reiterating how old i am and still unattached? How many times today did i hear the word "la-on" (spinster)? My ears were too deaf to hear them. Should everybody be involved and get into my own lovestory?

Well, save for this one, there are a lot of things and people to be thankful for for today. Fanny Serrano for my make-up, James Cooper for my hair, Bausch and Lomb for my eyewear.... Seriously, just have to thank my family for really bearing me for the past 28 years and for the dinner treat. My co-residents for the non-stop chow sessions. My pupplet, for the chocolate cake though i am currently abstaining from chocolates (but i did eat a little...more!) Cris for the cake (chocolate torte) and for again tempting me to eat those chocolate toppings. Paolo for the lechon (i really forgot what he promised). Of course, my friends who never forgot to greet me: texts, calls, emails, etc and for the gifts. I might have remained awake until the wee hours of the morning thanking them back for the greetings yet the feeling that i am remembered overcame my sleepiness.

Goodness, what more can i wish for? For my 28th birthday, i wished for nothing. Partner in life? Nah! Better wish it yourself for me. They say wishes are answered when other people wish it for you. In my prayers, i no longer ask for something. I am quite contented with my life right now that "Thank you Big Dad" is all that i can utter.

Ripple Effect

Another miracle again happened in the mass tonight. A miracle that in a Sunday mass at a from-duty status, i didnt fall asleep. Was it just because the priest left his pulpit and stood almost right in front of me? Maybe i was way too conscious to do some "headbanging" again during mass for someone who knows me from the backseats might see me. Seriously, the homily today just got me. I was all ears during the homily and almost released my tear dams during communion. Tsk..tsk...recollection songs like "Lead Me Lord" really would touch my heart.

Yep, i did find my purpose in this hospital i am in. I could remember however those times when i found all my efforts so futile. I was in the verge of depression thinking that the things i was doing were nothing. The homily tonight however affirmed one thing. I just have to keep on going. Finish what i have started. The little kindness that i was doing wasnt just nothing. It could be likened to the tiny drop of water creating a ripple in the ocean.

I am not planning to deliver a homily here. What im just trying to say is that, in times when i needed strength, the Great Architect knows how to send me some. He always seem to tell me to continue being a tiny drop in this vast ocean i am in. Even a minute drop of water could create a ripple, disturbing the calmness of the water.

The little kindness that i could give to single patient of mine might not be of value to me. Little did i know that this little kindness could go a long way - the ripple effect as the priest would describe it. For my 28th birthday, i know that i have not done great things. I still am the ordinary yet toxic resident doctor in a government institution. I still am the girl who have pms and tantrums from time to time. I still am the sleepy housemate. I still am the both stubborn and obedient daughter. I still am the elder sis who's both strict and crazy. Still the old friend but now forgets birthdays (ooops). I still havent started world domination. Not even started to create my own memorial foundation. All i know is that at least, my little act of kindness is a big gift to someone needing it best. My little goal for my 28th year? To continue extending this little kindness even to one person, everyday. I know this wouldnt just make someone happy. I know that i would be pleasing best that Someone i owe the whole 28 years im enjoying.

April Fool's

It's my first day at work after my so-called forced leave. Was full of energy, full of enthusiasm, full of life for my duty today. Was just surprised to know however upon reaching the hospital that starting today, the 1st day of April, i'll be going on duty now as a senior resident. For the whole 24-hours, it'll just be my 1st yr co-resident, the junior interns, the post-graduate intern and me. No more senior to refer to, all referrals end with me. I was expecting that this was a joke. Can i take such big responsibility? Can i handle all referrals that will be thrown at me? My seniors would definitely not allow this kind of set up this early. I'm just in the 4th month of my 2nd year training.

The whole day, I was expecting that i could hear..."Gotcha cel! April fool's!" Well, it's already the 2nd, April fool's over, it's 3 in the morning yet i heard not this punchline. Reality check, I'm really going on duty as a senior resident now. What to do? What to read? How would i act?

Nah! Proper question is, "What more can i do?" Now that i've plunged in and all wet, i just have to enjoy and swim. Besides, if i really am determined to be an internist, an Internist is always ready...and even if she is not, she will try her best to be.

My Birthday Gift to Myself: To Stop Intellectualizing

In a couple of days, i'll be spending my 28th year here on earth. Woohoot! I'll be 20-10 then 2 years after. I really dont know why things have been reminding me today that "hey, you're not getting any younger." I am not alarmed though. Really. The panic buttons are still cool and way too far from my reach.

Shucks! I really dont know why im feeling this way. People have been threatening me: should i choose isolation or generativity? As one of my friends emailed me. Yet, i feel no fear. I feel no cause of alarm. One of my sisters even teased me during dinner tonight that by the time my child finishes college, i'll be a 3-legged freak. In short, i'll be having a walking cane already. They even asked me how many children i wanted to have. Hell, i dont even have a plan of having a boyfriend for now and they're asking for the number of kids i would want to have?

My contemporaries and even those younger than i am are mostly married and are already raising kids. Some who are single are even worried, way too worried that they'll end up single for life. What's the big deal with being single? I on the other hand as one of my bestfriends would say didnt even for once tried to enter a relationship. And they're thinking that it was that easy? For some maybe, not for me. A colleague even asked me once why it was hard for us to submit to a guy. The kind that you entertain suitors even if you dont like him. She was wondering why other girls who have just broken up with their boyfriends would be entertaining new guys a few weeks or months after. Is it because they have stopped intellectualizing and just started feeling? Just a wild guess on my part.

Fact is, my brain's quite more powerful than my heart that everytime i feel for someone, this brain of mine processes information faster than normal. It's like an alarm was triggered in my hypothalamus that instead of feeling love, it's functioning on the contrary. It doesnt just receive information, it analyzes it and even projects it 10-years after. Questions like, Is he really the one? Is he a hubby material? What will my children look like when the other genes came from him? Will i have security with him? What will he look like when we grow old? Can i imagine myself growing old with him? Well, i really couldnt stop my brain from functioning such. It might be programmed to scrutinize men and not to fall for them.

Thinking further, another friend of mine was right. This is just one of the defense mechanisms that we project. Truth is, we are more of scared people. Afraid to fail, afraid to commit mistakes even in the relationships that we're going to enter, afraid to get broken hearted, afraid to show our vulnerability. See? My brain even analyzes my own self. The real score actually is that we are afraid that we'll be stupefied. Once our hearts get to overcome our brains, we sometimes become beings we didnt expect ourselves to become. Love makes us stupid that's why.

As a birthday gift to myself, and by giving in to most people's request, i'll try, even for once not to intellectualize. It will be hard alright. Intellectualization is more of a reflex for me. I'll be myself's guinea pig. I just have to shut all switches in my brain and prevent my neurotransmitters from functioning. How? This i have yet to discover. This is not however my way of saying that i would want to have a boyfriend. I just would like to make it clear. As for now in terms of plans for having a relationship, things are as clear to me as mud. It isnt just in my priority list. Wait till i get 20-10. Might be pushing on the panic button dead hard.=)

Early Birthday Gift

After whining and ranting in this blog about my job and my toxicity, at long last, my greatest dream, which was to have a break, was granted! Now, the break that i'm savoring is coming to an end. The day after tomorrow, i'll be back to reality. I'll be back to 24-hour duties, to the crap hospital, the place of the sick and the dying, and i'll be assuming the role of a doctor again! Yipee! (a sarcastic hurray actually).

Seriously, i just have to be thankful for this 1 whole week of break from work. It for once broke the routine, boring work that i have. I was able to rest my unknown to me, tired body. If i didnt have tonsillitis, i didnt realize that my immune system's already giving in. Well, after a complete bedrest and yep! literally enough sleep, my dear tonsils got ok (or maybe after i threatened them that i'll have them removed).

Ahhh i miss work. Haha i am serious. I really miss work. My co-residents, the bo's sessions, 24-hour duties. I didnt realize that staying at home would be more boring.hehe It's like i've been used to waking up early in the morning for work and now that im savoring my break, my body clock still wakes me up early. After having a late breakfast, lying on the couch and do channel surfing, i'll try net surfing next when i get bored. When my eyes would get strained from staying online for quite some time, i'll take naps. When i wake up, i'll realize that i have nothing to do. Opening my book might make my time worthwhile but it makes me sleepy again. In short, i still would want to push through with my wicked plans. That is, to put shabu in microcapsules and embed them in the bookpaper so that while im reading my medical books and eventually feel sleepy, i could just rub my fingertips on the bookpaper and sniff them.hehe Well, cosmetic brochure inspired eh.

Tsk...tsk...sometimes i get to think that i really am not contented with life. I think i should add something in my life's mantra. It's not just living life without expectations but also being contented with life. I have been whining about my work yet now that i was given the break, i eventually missed it.

Nah, the reason i guess why im feeling this way is that hospital work is my life. The reason why i feel bored right now is because i'm not used to this kind of life. Well, i know now why the great architect put breaks in between. These breaks are pit stops for us to refuel and to once again continue on our journey. Being granted this break is truly the greatest birthday gift i had. This break pulled me away from my current work and it let me see it from another view. This break recharged my energy, overhauled my tired body and is once again preparing me for another year of 24-hour duties. Haha it's nice to know that there's a life planner out there. I couldnt help but be thankful for everything that's been happening in my life. In a few days, I'll be spending one-fourth of a century plus three here on earth. If He has given me this break as a birthday gift, i think the greatest gift that i could give Him back is for me to continue on loving my work and to live up into the kind of physician that He wanted me to be.

Life is Beautiful

I know...i know, this post's title sounds ironic if i'll compare it with my previous entry. Ive been whining how cruel life was when it gave me tonsillitis upon munching just three pieces of chocolates. Despite all of this though, in general, life is still beautiful. Haha, my fave old adage,"Life is beautiful" once again came into life. Why? For several reasons. There are reasons why it was buried inside my mothballs-smelling wooden box ("baul" to be exact) and there are also several reasons why it was risen from the dead.

When i was in medschool, i've had all the reasons to say that life was beautiful. Yep! Even if medschool was tough, i was able to survive it. Back then, I was still unexposed to the "real world" where "real life" exists. How can i feel real poverty when i was having my internship in a tertiary private hospital in cavite and studying in one of the expensive medical schools in the country? How can i feel real sickness when i am not that hands-on with our patients? We were just clerks, assisting our patient's needs. Our patients back then where laid in soft, comfortable hospital beds in airconditioned rooms. I was just dependent on my monthly allowance that i need not look for my own bucks. I never felt how difficult it was to work for your own money that spending it was quite easy. Life really is beautiful wasnt it?

When i reached residency training though, i was exposed to the "Real world". I witnessed how people die on the floor. I've experienced treating a patient with whatever is at hand, McGyver style. I've seen how miserable life is when you're sick, penniless, homeless and alone. I've felt for those who slept on the alleys with only cardboard boxes to protect their backs from the cold, bacteria-infested floors and oh not to mention those kittens and rats as big as cats running around at night. I've realized how precious your hard-earned money is especially if you earned it by having a thrice a week 24-hour duties most of which are literally sleepless. How can i say life is beautiful then? What beauty can i get from the poverty and sickness around me? What beauty can i appreciate from a crap, old, dilapidated hospital i am in? Nada...nil...nothing!

After being granted however my so called forced leave and having slept the whole day today, i could say that hey, there's still beauty in life. For the record, i was just away from the hospital for a day and yet i felt so refreshed and energized. The hospital might have sucked all the energies in me. Different poles attract dont they? Thinking also that in a few hours, i'm off to the paradise island of Boracay makes me feel how great, truly great the Big Guy upstairs really is. Before i left the hospital for the week, bonuses were also given...haha pocketmoney for the trip. Didnt inform my parents about this...plans to surprise my parents for taking charge of the dinner bill tomorrow night.

Well, life really is beautiful. This would be my last entry before i leave. Bringing along my laptop sounds ewwww, i'll be going to bora to swim and not to "surf"! I just hope that i'll be back with refreshed mind, heart and body and more blog entries.

Also, I wanted to find myself again. The one who's very grateful and enthusiastic with life. The one, who in the first place, brought me to this hospital that sucked all energy from me. As mom would say, i must be where i am needed and it's the hospital she's referring to. No worries. I'll be back. The hospital might suck all the energies from me but just imagine how genius that great architect is...He knows when i needed to be recharged.

A Sense of Dignity

Dignity...a sense of pride and self-respect; a condition of being worthy of respect, esteem and honor.

I have been in this hospital for two years now...no make it three if i would include my internship here. For three years, i have been exposed to the harsh realities of life. This exposure would either crush or lift my spirit up...depending on my hormonal status (now im blaming my pms again). Who would imagine that this institution, located almost in the heart of the city, is a jungle? A jungle where survival of the fittest is the mantra. Our patients are all sick alright, but what i mean is that financially and emotionally, these patients of ours must equip themselves with these necessities in order to survive.

If i were to define dignity the way encarta would have it, this "necessity" would be the sparsest in our hospital. Not to include my patients who are financially incapacitated, majority of our patients lack dignity...a sense of self-worth. Picture this out...people from the marginalized areas of our province rushing to our hospital to seek medical care. As doctors, this we could provide. How about the medical facilities that are essential for our treatment? Medications, intravenous solutions and yep! even just a warm hospital bed? Truth is, they are very scarce compared with the number of admissions that we have everyday.

If these patients of ours were living in a shanty or in the sidewalks maybe, i am thinking that these people being sick, needs comfort to ease their physical illness. What comfort can you get however from sleeping in a cardboard box? Worse if they are located in the alleys where people walk to and fro. Yep! We examine patients kneeling and everytime i do this, my heart bleeds. Where's privacy? Where's dignity? If these patients are dying, dont they deserve a more decent death?

What's even worse is that the hospital administrators dont seem to observe this. They are too absorbed in their own issues. Fighting for position and popularity is all that they do. Stone throwing is their expertise. This hospital is a miniature Philippines. Those in power arent aware of the number of people who are hungry and are dying.

I feel for my patients. This could also be my reason for staying here. If i am having a hormonal surge, i would be in a depressed mode. Now that pms havent visited me yet, im looking at things on a brighter light. If the administration couldnt do its part well, as a doctor, who comes in contact with the patients everyday, i could do something for them. Not only can i give them the best that i could offer in treating them, but i could also provide them a sense of dignity that nature deprived them of.

A condition of being worthy of respect, esteem and honor, dignity's other definition. They may be sleeping in cardboard boxes, deprived of money, family support and dying. Dignity i guess is not self-generated. It's freely given. Now i realize why these patients of ours could survive sleeping in cartons. For themselves, they may lack self-worth. With the way we treat and look at them however, you know, human beings who deserve every respect we could give, we rekindle the little that they possess. Believe me...a touch of care and the respect that we give them are also vital in their healing. This i could proudly say is never scarce for they're freely given by the men and women doctors of our hospital. Now, i'm not plugging...I don't need to plug for patient's kept on coming. Yep! Equipped with cardboard boxes or folding beds!

The Other Side of the Coin

Was talking, over a plate of strawberries and salt, with my mother this evening right after dinner. She asked me how i was doing with work. Heck! It's been several nights that i missed family dinners. My mom and i only got to meet when i kiss her goodbye before i leave for work. I may always be whining about how toxic my work is, but she was wondering why i am gaining weight and my looks dont even show how toxic i am.

I shared once again my never ending story on how fulfilled i am with my work. Yep! No matter how toxic i get, and no matter how i lambast my profession in this blog when i experience my monthly pms. I really am happy...an understatement actually, make it fulfilled. I am really fulfilled with my work. If there is one area in this whole wide world where fulfillment can be found, it's inside this crap hospital i am in. The place of the sick, the poor and the dying yet also the place where blessings, miracle and charity overflow.

Everyday, as i witness the lives of my patients and their families, i am inspired even more to stay in this institution. When the trend right now is the efflux of health workers and shifting of my colleagues to the nursing profession, i am more convinced that i made the right choice of being in residency training. Compensation wise, i may be underpaid compared with those who are working abroad. I am more blessed however than my friends who are training in Manila. They are more underpaid than i am. A meager salary is already enough for an individual like me who supports only myself in this small city. Actually, i still could save for some foot spa, hot oils and coffee and malling sessions.

I may be too toxic with the number of patients that i handle. These patients however are my teachers. Even an abandoned patient who came in at the emergency room with no companion, is my guru. This patient has a lot to teach me about his disease and about life as a whole. I am more blessed than my colleagues who are working in a private hospital. Their compensation might equal their load, yet they lack teachers that we are too blessed to have.

I may always get heartbroken because of the fate that my patients experience. I may cry over the death of my patient, emphatize with the poverty that they are experiencing, or join them in their loss. I could tell however that i was never pathetic - yep! even if i'll fill my posts with my rantings. I am doing my part and i am helping in one way or another, in alleviating the ills not just of my patients but my society as a whole. I am saving lives.

Yep! I am saving lives. I may be losing my own life but i am saving lives. Forget those malling, parlor or coffee sessions. Forget those reunions, dates, or family dinners. Every sacrifice that i do would also mean saving not just one but several lives. This is the fulfillment that i get from opting to stay in this crap institution. It's the feeling that you are dying for yourself and the awareness that you are letting others live.

Heartbroken

If hearts do literally get broken, mine would be in the most powdered form. My heart breaks when someone cries in front of me much more if he is a guy. I encounter this situation almost everyday in the hospital. I sometimes am tempted to think that i always put people to tears for everytime i talk with a patient or a patient's relative, he or she will breakdown in front of me. Yep! no matter what kind of news im bringing - good or bad, i witness them cry.

From my last 24-hour duty, i had my heart broken once again for the nth time. A patient's husband talked to me about his patient's situation and he was in tears. Imagine a huge man who looks like a hoodlum, crying. He was so helpless and so was i. I could feel the pain, the helplessness, the love that he feels towards his wife. Mixed emotions. Very strong as his looks. As big as his built.

Goodness! If i only have the resources, if i only have the capacity to heal these patients even without medications, i would be able to prevent these big men from crying like a baby. In other words, i wouldnt just be able to help them but i could also prevent my heart from getting broken. Funny though how i wish i could be like a god at times. Changing a person's fate in a click of my fingers.

Good thing i am not God. I may not be able to comprehend why he lets these things to happen. You know, letting us experience pain. Letting us cry. The only thing that i feel comfortable about is that like me, He too is heartbroken everytime he sees us in pain (right Big Dad?) If i, a human being, not even related by blood to my patients gets heartbroken everytime i witness them crying, how much more will God's heart get broken when He's our sole creator?

Yep! I am heartbroken everytime i witness someone crying. Ive been scarred several times. These scars however remind me never to get scared. I am assured that everytime my heart gets broken, Someone, that big guy upstairs, is once again willing to put them back into whole.

When My Sun Turns To Set

sunsetathome
Originally uploaded by celestelyn.

A repost from my written journal dated January 8, 2000. A good read during this time that i am experiencing toxicity. Aaah, cant wait for my dream vacation to come when this month ends.


The coolness of the late afternoon seabreeze gave me a good sense of well-being. While seated on the cool white sand, i waited for the sun to set. It was as though the waves were more impatient than i am in waiting for the sunset as they noisily ruffled against the rock formations.

The once blindling light turned dim. Pastel colors of light with shades of yellow, red and blue filled the sky. In a few minutes, that event that i've been waiting for will begin its course. There it was, all red and round, moving towards the horizon. Such a lovely sight, serene, peaceful and comforting.

Everytime i remember this experience from a beach in Guimaras one summer, i always feel refreshed despite of the toxicity of medlife that i am now facing. It made me remember how blessed i am to have been in that place. For four days, i waited every single afternoon for this sight to unfold before my eyes.

The sunset has never tired of leaving me amazed. In fact, this is my favorite aura and time of the day. For some, it's a sign of the end, or the start of dark nights and experiences. Sign of hopelessness, despair and tears. For me, it's a sign of hope, of humility, blessedness and love.

A sign of hope. It doesnt mean that the day has ended. It only means that it's now time to take a break and have my strength renewed. Renewed and refreshed to once again face the trials that would come my way for the morning after. It gives me hope that after facing the trials that i have experienced for the day, i'll have a time to unwind and to reload in order to face them again with courage and faith.

A sign of humility. From a pedestal that i cant even look at it because of its blinding light, the sun took some effort to come down in my level for me to see it well. Like the sun, God who is all-powerful and almighty humbled himself by sending His son to live and be with us. A manifestation of God in the midst of man.

A sign of blessedness. As the sun sets on the horizon to signify the end of the day, it reminds me to count all the blessings that i have received throughout the day. In fact, though i consider my day to be the worst, i realized that blessings continue to pour - they were just marked by my feelings of discontentment and hurt.

A sign of love. Yes, a sunset depicts somewhat a romantic aura. It makes me think that it would be better to spend it with a loved-one right beside me. The love that it signifies though is more than romantic. It's a kind of love that someone so high has to go down for a loved one. A kind of love that God humbled himself to become man to die for my sinfulness.

A sunset never fails to amaze me. It's not just a beautiful sight. It reminds me of how special, blessed and loved i am. I hope that through this realization, i too had given hope to a crushed spirit, humbled myself for a neglected soul, and shared my love to a dying heart. All these i've accomplished when my sun turns to set.

Back from a Break

Image(1063)
Originally uploaded by celestelyn.

Well, ive been away from the cyberworld for quite some time that checking on my mails and updating my blog first came into mind as soon as i entered my room. It's really great to be away from work even for just a day. My energy level's now again to the maximum, creative juices refilled, enthusiasm's regained and love of my work's rekindled.

Just came home from B...Cebu (the old pldt commercial...familiar?) A drug company-sponsored trip and activity made me feel like a foreigner in my own country. Everything's well catered and taken good care of, from our plane trip to cebu and back to bacolod. The longest from duty and weekend i ever had without the stress. I might have tired myself from travelling yet i felt lighter and more ready for another duty tomorrow.

I just love travelling. I feel the excitement of being in a new place, meeting new people and comparing sunsets(they don't differ much actually...all sunsets are simply amazing). I love taking photos and obviously, my favorite subjects are the inanimates...still life as photography would define it. Well, what can i say? I just did two of the interests i missed doing...travelling and taking pictures!

Alright, im back to reality. I just cant help but be thankful to the ONE who plans my life. Another colorful piece was added to my life's puzzle.

Finding My Purpose

I've been whining and ranting about my current state all along in this blog alright. For once, let me give justice to the profession and state of life that in the first place, i chose and learned to love. My rantings could just be the result of my toxicity. (why the hell can't i be benign sometimes?) I still could say however that i have made the right decision and that i am in the right profession - a doctor, a healer.

The even that happened this morning affirmed what i feel tonight. I have been witness to a lot of deaths. I saw how the family of my dead patients grieved. I heard their cries, i heard their screams. I felt how hard it was for them to accept the loss of a loved one. This morning however, i found my purpose. Goodness! After almost two years in residency training, it was just this morning that i was able to convice myself of the role that i've got to play. I am a doctor, not just a comforter of the sick. I am a doctor, a comforter of the dying and the loved ones that they're leaving behind.

A toxic patient of mine died this morning. This death however was quite different compared with the ones i previously witnessed. First, i had a hard time intubating him yesterday. That was the most difficult and the most memorable intubation i've ever done (save for the one i did to my own uncle). Thanks to those false teeth he has been wearing all along while he was in the hospital. That crap really took me almost 30 minutes just to remove it before i could intubate. After a pair of tore gloves, thousands of drops of perspiration, several finger bites, different positioning, i was able to remove those precious dentures.

Second, his family was the most understanding and open-minded kind. His mother was hysterical at first when he got toxic but she calmed down when i started talking to her. I could feel the pain of a mother towards her son who's slowly drifting away. I could feel the bond in their family. Bond of support to the patient, bond of support towards the living family members.

Lastly, this morning when he passed away, his mother hugged me so tight, crying. The warmest hug i felt from almost a stranger. She lost her son yet she was so thankful for all my help. She was crying, yet there was acceptance. She lost a loved one, she was in tears, yet it was i who felt the comfort on the contrary. Hugging her back, returning the comfort she was giving me, i felt peace, i felt acceptance. The day she accepted her son's death, is also the day that i fully accepted my role. It was through this death of a patient when i started to find purpose in my routine, boring work.

Yep! I am not here in this crap, government hospital just to train. I am not here just to help and serve the sick and the poor. I am here to bring comfort, not just to my patients, but to their relatives as well. Looking back, this was what ive been wanting to do. I might have been lost along the way but hey, the great architect really has great plans to bring me back to place. I wish though that it would not take another life to remind me of my real purpose in this crap, yet miracle-full hospital that i am in.

B...Cebu?

I already accepted the fact that before i entered residency training, i would be deprived of what most people call as "breaks." Break from the routine everyday visits to the sick and dying, break from the daily mind boggling quest for diagnosis and treatment, or break from the 24-hour duties. It has been more than a year now after my last off from work. Hearing however from our chairman that i am allowed to go to CEBU brought happiness i could never contain.

Yep! for the next weekend, i'll be in B...Cebu! I'll be staying just overnight but the fact that i'll be in another dimension and another place is a very BIG deal for me. It may just be overnight but finding myself in a plane bound to another place brought excitement to my routine, boring life. If i'll be given the chance to revise something in every residency training program, i'll see to it that a resident is given a chance to have, even just one day in a month, a break away from the hospital. Believe me, noone will ever get burnt-out. A break for the resident will also mean benefit for the patients for the quality of care that this resident could extend.

I dont know if this is applicable to other residents but for me, this is one hell of a detoxifying measure. Alright, never mind this future plan. All i know is that this weekend, ill be having this Big B....B for break in B...Cebu! Hopefully when i come back, i wouldnt be whining in this blogsite at all.=)