Sunday, October 22, 2006

Death Sentence

Just came home from a wake. A neighbor of ours died just recently. It was an unexpected, untimely death. He was just 31, leaving behind his wife and a 2-year old son. I was seated with his relatives and friends who were all grieving. I have observed that once someone wails, another would do too. I'm just wondering however why i couldnt feel anything. He was close to our family alright, almost like family.

My mom was asked to give a testimonial on behalf of our family. She kept her tears while delivering her speech. When she came back to her seat however, she burst into tears. She told me that she couldnt keep the pain no matter how hard she tries to appear strong for his family. The dead was almost like a son to her. I, all numb, tried to comfort her to the best that i could. Poor mom, how will she react if it would be me whom she's going to give a testimonial to.

I felt like i was an abnormal. I was seated with people who were crying and grieving yet i feel nothing. I find death as a natural phenomenon. It's inevitable, could happen to anyone, even to me. My exposure to it might have desensitized me. I have this acceptance of it eversince i became exposed to it in the wards. I even have plans of my own. Oooops, dont get me wrong. What i mean is that i have plans on how my family must bid me farewell. I wanted to be cremated and i dont want my dead body to be exposed. I wanted the living to remember the alive image of me. I also wanted my mom to do my make up. Funeral parlors have this tendency to overdo your make up and of course, i dont want those make up kits that are used for the dead to be applied on me...ewwww

Maybe, i'm not abnormal at all. It's just that i have a more mature outlook and acceptance over this phenomenon. Not showing your tears falling doesnt mean that you dont care to the dead and to the relatives he has left behind. Not grieving for one's loss doesnt mean that i am insensitive. Fact is, I am happy for him. Good for him, he's no longer exposed to the crap governance that we have. Lucky him, he's going home.

Oh by the way, do you know what song i wanted to be played during my wake? "Staying Alive."tee-hee

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Back from the Big Brother House

Im back!!!! It's so nice to be back! Yep! I'd rather be toxic here in the hospital than to stay for a few more days in Cebu. The 3-day live in seminar was literally live-in. We stayed in the hotel for 3 straight days attending the workshop from 8am to 5 pm. In short, i literally havent seen the sun for 3 consecutive days for it would be dark then after our lectures! I didnt even know that it was raining cats and dogs there. I only saw the sun on the last day since we were done early.

Staying in that hotel was like staying in the Pinoy Big Brother House. We were meeting the same people for 3 days and i, havent even stepped out of the hotel to meet other beings. The only way of communication i had with the outside world was through texting. Havent gone online for days (which explains why my inbox was filled with unread messages) and therefore havent talked with friends from the outside world. Havent even stepped in Ayala or SM to shop. Didnt have people my age to go out with. I was literally the youngest in the group making me question why i was asked to represent our hospital.

It seemed as if i was given a share of living the life of a monk. Good thing i didnt pursue the idea of entering the convent after high school. Might not even survive it. Or maybe i became too used with meeting different people and personalities that meeting the same people everyday during that seminar bored me and actually was a stressor for me. Ironic huh! Now tell me why despite of having enough rest and sleep i had break outs? Oh well, blame it again to my hormones!