Saturday, January 28, 2006

Burning Out...Staying Alive

People say that I've got a good coping mechanism. I really don't know why they're telling me such. All i know right now is that i'm running out of that "good coping mechanism" they're telling me i possessed. As of this time, i could feel myself burning out. Too much work to do, too little time to do them. Ah yeah! Too little time? How come i could post this blog? Not doing this thing would mean that i'm too cruel with myself.

Yesterday, i'm talking with a very close friend. We talked about our lives, reflecting on our choice of profession. Why on earth did we become doctors? He was depressed with his current state, and i too feel that i'm falling into that deep pit again. He was so concerned with his future, i am too absorbed with my tomorrows. For every tomorrow would mean work for me - obligation, responsibility, whatever you call it. Every tomorrow would mean interaction with the sick, the dying, the hopeless, the oppressed, the depressed. In other words, another interaction with people who are sucking out all the positive energy in me...and they're slowly killing me.

After this residency training, after these hardships, what's next? Another journey to another chapter of the jungle of life. Where competition is to the neck, the quest for success is to the brim. A new world where new doctors would have difficulty surviving. Is this training worth all my hardships then? Will this training prepare me in facing the "open sea"? The sea where big doctors (some of whom already became nurses) are like predators preying on potential patients in order to earn. Everything's as dark for me as the starless night. It seems as if im working everyday of my life without any assurance of a bright future. With the way our government is running, with all the corruption and politickings, there surely is no way that young doctors like us could survive the "open sea."

I realized that it isnt just me who's feeling burnt out. I seem to have lost all inspiration to keep on going. The influx and load of patients, meager salary, great responsibility, too much work, and after talking with my friend, our dim future, who would feel great and inspired?

We asked ourselves,"Why did we become doctors"? The difficulties and hardships of clerkships are really just a start of greater challenges of this profession i chose. Maybe we were just stupid enough, we deduced, that's why we are here. Maybe we were just idealistic morons who were thinking that we could help alleviate the ills of human race. Maybe be were just selfish individuals who thinks that we will feel gratified saving a life from death. Maybe we were just religious spirits who were thinking that God called us to this profession in order to fulfill our role on earth.

In the end, we concluded that we just have to hang on. To keep on going, to finish what we have started. We still are those stupid and selfish individuals, the religious and idealistic morons - only burnt out. There's no way however that we'll pass that bitter pill we have to take. Everything happens for a purpose and there's no way we couldnt get through this. No matter how difficult our lives are right now, no matter how dim our future look, we wanted to become doctors, are now doctors, and will die as doctors. As for now, despite of being burnt out, we just have to continue shedding light, try our best to stay alive - so that others may live.


azure said...

I don't have anything particularly inspiring to say. To get you out of the funk (or perhaps you already are - being several months post blog listing).
Thank you for writing. Though I know that I'm not alone. It's nice to hear it.

AngelMD said...

thnx azure...=) this blogsite's actually my trash bin...didnt know a lot of people are reading my whinings.=)

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