Monday, December 18, 2006

There is God

Witnessed something today that really made my day.

Yep! God does exist.

Friday, December 15, 2006

There's Always a Reason to Smile

Just came home from the hospital. Was working overtime for the activity tomorrow. I must admit that i am soooooooo damn tired and sleepless. Will definitely be sleeping early in the morning later when everyone else's about to wake up already. Tired, sleepless, beginning to experience again my pms, i am currently in chaotic mode with the grumpy and irritable side of me dominating my senses. Smiling's quite expensive as of this time or maybe, im just too tired too to smile.

There's always a reason to smile though. What i witnessed tonight definitely made me feel better. I was standing at the ER exit waiting for my brother. I love to sit and be with the patients' folks outside of the ER. I love the feeling of being an "ordinary" citizen.

Tonight, two ambulance drivers made me smile. Nah! I did not have a direct interaction with them. I was just a mere observer.

Ambulance driver #1: He was dressed in an army's clothing. He wasnt the "official" driver actually. An army officer who brought a pregnant patient who's about to give birth. After his patient and her folks have gone down from the ambulance, one of the patient's companions gave him a hundred peso bill. The driver politely refused the offer. He even added,"Gamita nyo lang. Mas kilanlan nyo na."

Ambulance driver #2: This one brought a pediatric patient. The patient's mother asked him if he has 50 pesos that she could borrow. She was drained and has no money left. Without hesitation, he took a hundred peso bill from his wallet and gave it to her.

Small acts of kindness of two strangers. Enough to make me smile to myself. Enough to lift my dampened spirit. Enough to energize my tired body. These people continually remind me that the goodness of the human heart is innate. That there are still a lot of good people around. That the kindness and goodness in this crap hospital where i work are enough to balance my toxicity and disappointments.

Life is really beautiful. It takes just a little sensitivity and a little time to witness how beautiful it is. Realizing this is enough to make me smile no matter how bad my day was.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

More Rationalizations!

Eversince i started residency training, i have been rationalizing that the reason why i am bombarded with patients and why i am soooooooo toxic during my duties is that maybe God trusts me enough by sending His sick people to me. Eversince too ive been praying that i could handle all these patients well to the best of my ability. Havent committed a major blunder yet...God forbid, or else ill be the first to start a rally against Him on how unfair He could be.

Yesterday, i almost had an arrhythmia. A few hours before one of my patients at the ICU got toxic, i have to stand by for another patient who's in impending respiratory failure (thanks to the inventor of cigarette whoever the hell he was). Added to this, a new biological weapon was discovered. We were suffocated by one of our patient's shit. My nose is big enough to be very sensitive to odors (from perfume to food!). I guess having a sonic nose is a gift! Good thing I have tolerance to smelly stuffs but that one odor that we were breathing last night was beyond compare.

Five o'clock and i was still awake. By this time, I already received a message from my "wake up texter". He just woke up while i was still stealing precious sleep. I was almost in REM when the nurse woke me up that one of my patients was having an arrhythmia. Goodness gracious! I almost left my tired body on the bed i was lying upon when i stood up to see my patient.

Seeing those abnormal rhythms in the cardiac monitor in an half-asleep-half-awake status was the most scary feeling on earth ever! Seem to have dropped my brain somewhere when i woke up or must have left it in dreamworld. Alright! I was almost cramming. Being a grace under pressure however and a good actress, i pretended not to panic. Shet! I pledged to religiously read my books now (well, that was the other of press time, havent been reunited with Harrison yet). I ordered for diazepam for the patient to allay her anxiety...almost ordered another one for me.

Rationalization time again! God wouldnt give me something i couldnt handle. Called for help from a senior resident and from my consultant. No additional medications were given. I almost ordered an anti-arrhythmic drug but i put it on hold. I was hoping that she'll convert to sinus. The defibrillator was on stand-by should i cardiovert. I was looking at the cardiac monitor without a wink. Afraid that a couplet might turn into v-tach!

A five-second normal rhythm...hoping...another PVCs...still hoping...yet another this time, i needed diazepam for myself! Then came a normal 6-second tracing now getting longer until i could no longer see a single PVC. She eventually converted to sinus rhythm! Goodness! I didnt know that diazepam now is an anti-arrhythmic!

I was dead-tired and harassed after what happened. Yet more rationalizations reminded me that God must have loved me so much that i went through the experience unscathed...just a little harassed maybe. Well after what happened, His comfort is more than diazepam for me.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

A New Destressor

My hands were soiled a few minutes ago. I tried to go back to one hobby that was destressing to me before...painting. I am no artist and i dont know the rules and laws of art either. I paint to destress, to express myself. I was fond of watercolors as a medium and i could finish one work in one sitting. When i went home to bacolod, i lost touched with my art materials. Forgot which box i placed them and forgot where that box is too. I remembered that i still have one unfilled drawing book in it, a box of watercolor, colored pencils, a set of paint brushes and several pencils. Oh well, i didnt look for them anymore. Last night, when i was in a bookstore, i bought a box of watercolors and a drawing block!

Today, tried to go back to this old hobby. My favorite theme would always be a sunset. Everything's just right. Seated on my bed, with the sound of the rain as my background music and the wind from my bedroom windows to relax me, i started on my "artwork". Half-way with it however, i realized that i couldnt feel the comfort and the relaxation that this "destressor" of mine has provided me with before. I felt impatient, unrelieved and disgusted with the progress and the look of my supposed to be "artwork".

In short, i didnt finish my project. I crumpled the page that i was working with. I realized that as i grow older, my preferences change. A once relaxing hobby that was so comforting for me is no longer applicable for my current lifestyle. My hands are tired from ordering in the charts. My eyes are defective from reading my books. Painting i guess is no longer for me. As a result, here i am, posting this blog.

Well, im into blogging! Yep! My new destressor.

Friday, December 08, 2006

What Now?

I'm just too toxic to post here! My bed's waiting for me now and dreamworld's just within my reach.

Saturday, December 02, 2006


I'm once again disoriented to time. I didnt realize that twas already the 1st day of December. It didnt sink in that i will be receiving a bigger load, a bigger responsibility. Effective yesterday, i was tasked to man the intensive care unit (ICU)...and it was just yesterday that i was able to convince myself that i'm tasked to do it.

Heck! I dont feel prepared. I feel inadequate. My "fear system" however has gone awry. I am not afraid...just numbed. Time to let out that talent on acting. Act confident even if i am not. Feel brave even if i am not sure of what lies ahead. Alright self, activate your talent in rationalization too. When things are happening just to soon to handle, rationalize why they have to happen.

Now this makes me feel better.=P