Toxic-filled

Everytime im in a from duty status, im always on the verge of giving up on myself. Yep! Im giving up on my toxicity. Sometimes im thinking that life could be just so unfair on me. When other residents who go on duty could sleep for one straight hour or so, i on the other hand is granted a maximum of 30 minute naps. If i'd say that i slept around 2 hours when on duty, these 2 hours are composed of four 30-minute naps. I couldnt even say that i would reach REM by this time.

Alright! Supposedly, we are not allowed to sleep when on duty. Hell yeah! Robots could do this but i am no superwoman who needed no sleep. Short naps are vital in maintaining my physiologic state.

My duty yesterday was one hell of an experience. We were quite benign in the early hours but just when the unholy hours came, an icu patient became toxic. I stayed in the icu most of the time in order to monitor his status. Literally, i was awake, on guard on whatever-might-happen-next to him. At 2am, i was calling a consultant, referring the patient's status. Had a nap at around 4:30 only to be awakened by a commotion. The patient's father, who was restless and sleepless like me stopped the peritoneal dialysis procedure that the patient was undergoing that time. He even threatened the nurses at the icu. I was up on my feet and faced him with courage. I was sleepless, tired and is now harrassed. He wouldnt listen to reasons and explanations. His graymatter might have been clouded by worries, fears, fatigue and concern towards his patient. I felt for him and i just hope that he felt for me too...you know the fact that i cared so much for his patient too. Most of my time when i was on duty, i spent with his patient. Now, he seem not to appreciate everything that i have done for his son. Pathetic me...i forgot that i came here to serve and not to expect anything in return from whoever. Instead, I didnt continue with my argument. Have to leave the restless father and his toxic son in peace. I was in a dilemma...here i was, wanting to save a 23-year old life. The patient however was giving up himself and his father has lost his faith too. Words just couldnt comfort them...my tiredness might have affected my convincing powers. Tell me now why i really needed some sleep.

Came 8am, the patient arrested. He just gave me time to freshen up...i just have to look fresh despite being sleepless. I was really meaning to save him. All measures were given...i have to defibrillate him and he was eventually revived after 5 epinephrines. Goodness, despite being sleepless, i still had the energy to perform the resuscitation. Mind over body eh. I only felt relief when my senior already took over my post.

Geez, i wasnt off after 8am. Have to stay at the hospital until 5pm. I was like a walking zombie. My brain's above my shoulder alright but i seem to be dragging it with my feet. Was trying to get some power naps but when you're toxic-filled, something's that will steal your precious sleep will always happen.

Now that i am home, i am expected to be lying comatosed on my bed by now. Ironic however, here i am in front of this lcd posting this blog. Just when i was longing for precious sleep when i was in the hospital, my toxicity was to the fullest...i couldnt put myself to sleep now that i am home. My system's crashing. My blood is caffeine-free alright but here i am wide awake still. My neurotransmitters might have gone haywire. I feel so lightheaded yet there's something inside this brain of mine that tells me to finish to post.

Oh well, shall we say that im just doing some clean up. Have to free my mind from trash and im currently posting it here right now. As i am about to conclude this post, im feeling better. My eyes are now getting heavier....my neurotransmitters might have been used up...my gray matter's starting to lose words...im starting to yawn now...my bed's now inviting me to dreamworld.

...oooops it's only in dreamworld that i'm toxic-free! yipee!