Saturday, February 18, 2006

Another PMS Attack

I dont know if i should feel guilty for feeling this. It has been quite some time that i could feel that im wearing a mask in front of my patients. For my patients, i am doctor nice. Someone who's kind and approachable. I never raised a voice on anyone and was never bitchy towards them. No matter in what state i am in, state of self-induced depression or pre-menstrual syndrome, i am always at my maximum tolerance when i am on duty or when i am in front of my patients.

Just got home from my daily hospital rounds. Honestly, i was having a hard time from getting out of bed this morning. Not just this morning actually but every morning to be exact. Should i get out of bed, fix myself and report to the hospital, pictures of the sick and dying would once again welcome me. Im sick and tired of meeting them everyday of my life. When im at home, i would wish that i am not a doctor. I dont wish to see a patient and i dont want to hear consultations. I just want to shut my ears and my eyes from life's realities that all my life, i'm doomed to seeing the sick, the dying and the dead.

Yep! I am hiding behind a mask. Amazing though how i could act to be the Doctor Nice that most people think of me when truth is, i seem not to be loving what i am doing at all. Amazing how i could survive one duty to another. All i know is that when i am a civilian, that is, im outside of the hospital and pretending to be not a doctor, i hate to see patients and i dread to be in the hospital. When im in the work-mode though, i feel that i love everything that i am doing. Ironic but the same people who makes me sick and tired and burnt out, my patients to be more specific, are also the ones who inspire me and keep me going.

Geez! This is pure toxicity superimposed with my monthly pms. In times like this, i just wish that im invisible and im exposed not to a single human being. Thinking of happy thoughts, i could see myself in an isolated island, all alone by myself, no cellphone, no internet access, relaxing on a hammock, watching the sun set and enjoying a refreshing drink. Ahhhh life! I just cant wait for summer to come.

No comments: