Friday, January 30, 2009

Honesty is the Best Policy

Ha-ha-ha-hachoooooo! Sniff! Sniff! I'm sorry for my absence. This blog has collected dust and webs again.hehe Just got back from the battlefield and my brain is literally drained. I've got too many things to blog about but I'm just too damn tired to write about it.hehe

Well, Garando woke me up from my slumber so here goes my 1st blog after being back from my so called hiatus.hehe Presenting, my first award from the blogosphere!tee-hee

"This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion is brilliant."

Well, what can I say but thank you. To Garando, who happens to be my high school big brother, Manong, is there a bias here? Maybe we're just friends that's why I get to receive this award.hehehe Been in the blogosphere since what? 3-4 years ago? It's just now that my "trash" gets to be recognized.hehe Hmmm is it because people nowadays are starting to love "trash" in order to save mother earth?hehe Nah! Like you, I wanted to maintain a low profile status...hehe Unlike your blog though that can entertain the public, my posts can irritate them. Who would love to read somebody else's trash?hehe

My big thanks also goes to fellow bloggers who believed that they can get something from what I dump here.hehe Don't you worry guys. As a physician, I'm trying my best that the trash i'm posting here is good for public consumption. The rest remain as drafts - I just post them in order to let things out of my system. Other than that, I don't let anyone read them unless you have an access to those drafts.hehe Rest assured, what you're reading here won't give you a heart attack or stroke. The most that you can get is a heavy heart but not to the extent of having an infarction.hehe

So do I need to post 10 Honest things about me too?hehe Well, here it goes...

1. I'm barely five feet tall...that's why when I was in high school, I don't stand next to Garando.hahaha
2. I don't eat big are friends people, not food.hehe
3. I started school when I was barely 2 years old and I graduated from school when I was 25. Yet at 30, I'm still taking those brain whacking exams.
4. I have an allergy to seafood but I love seafood! So antihistamines never leave my bag.
5. Since I grew up with boys, I'm more comfortable with guys than with kikay girls...Ooops i'm straight I just happen to be one of the boys.
6. I don't like drunk people...synonymous to letting alcohol reign their reason and intelligence?
7. I grew up in a "No boyfriend policy when still in school".
8. That's why...Morphine is my first "official" boyfriend..with emphasis on the official...hehe
9. I bake, I cook, I just have no time for it.
10. I've been wanting to become a spinster.hahaha

Can I give the award again to the giver? Will you post another honesty entry, manong?hehehe I'll give this award to my friends in "My Blog List." These are the blogs I often visit.

The rules:

When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to said person so everyone knows he or she is real.

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have 7 friends. Show the 7 random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Weblog.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. List at least ten honest things about yourself. Then, pass it on!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The New Entry

I have a blank entry in my 49 things. Today, I decided what I should place in #11. I must have a grade of at least B+ in my Lakbayan list! I need more Mindanao trips! Will a trip to Basilan give me a B+ instantly?hehehe

My Lakbayan grade is C! (I am EMBARRASSED! Sob!)

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

Thanks to the creator of least I know how far I have to go for my Wow Philippines adventure.hehe Save! Save! Save! Oh, before anything else, I must have a NikonD40 before the trip!hehehe Save! Save! Save! Save More!

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Let's Get Morbid

When I was younger, I could remember talking with some co-morbid friends about death. We were talking about our death wish. That time, I wished that I would want to die in my sleep. Dying in one's sleep was I thought painless. You just didn't wake up the next day, that's all. So I thought. Until I personally witnessed a friend's death - in his sleep. I didn't realize that no one just die in their sleep for no reason. There must be a cause why this now cadaver failed to breath.

Wallah! What am I talking here? I am morbid I admit. Actually I believe that death is something that we must face. It's inevitable and it's a fact of life. It's just that we manage not to mind it because of the pain that it might bring to us or to our loved ones. Being in the health profession helped me in a way to embrace death and to befriend it. So the reason why I could talk about it anytime I want to without the goosebumps or eerie feeling. I don't mean though that by embracing death, we could take our own life into our own hands.

My apologies, this is another after effect of reading several chapters from Harrison's. Not to mention the news I read from early today. Two cases of suicide! Both were business a million, the other a billionaire. What a great news to start my day. Been wanting to blog about it early today but I just don't want to start my day about morbidities.

In the hospital where I worked, we fought death to the last breath for our patients and their families. We valued life even that of a patient without a name. I just can't help but be affected by that news on suicide. These happened in two different continents in a matter of hours. I'm not so sure if they know each other that they planned to die on the same day. What saddened me though was the fact that the German billionaire was already in his 70's. The time when you're supposed to enjoy what remains of your good old life while waiting for your recall. He couldn't wait that long though. I'm not judging them and they don't even know me so what they heck. I'm just concerned about a life that's lost. That's all.

After picking some knowledge and wisdom on the road in my life's journey, my wish of dying has changed. I don't want to die in my sleep. I realized that for death to be less painful and scary, one must be prepared for it. How can I be prepared or my loved ones be prepared about my own death if I simply don't wake up the next day? So my wish would be I would want to die of a chronic disease. You know, you already have an idea ahead of time that your days are counted. By slowly memorizing Harrison's here, I could name a lot! A whole lot! The reason why I still can't decide what disease I would like. I just wish that the chronicity of my disease will not render me ugly, demented and debilitated. I don't want my family to suffer the consequences of such wish of dying from a chronic disease. Wiping my behind? Giving me bath? Feeding me via a nasogastric tube? (Aaaack!) If this happens, then "chronic" will have a new definition of 3 days.

Maybe when I say chronic and non-debilitating, I still have my full faculties to do what I want. A 3 or 6-month notice would be enough for me to prepare my last will, to say my thank you's to people I owe my deepest gratitude. To say "i love you" to the people I value. "I'm sorry" to the people I might have caused pain. To spend more time with the people I will surely miss. To appreciate and complement the people around me. To value a small act of kindness and to do one every day of what remains of my time. To give someone a big bear hug or simply a pat on the shoulder. To smile, to laugh out loud for simple joys. To dance or to sing under the rain. To fulfill what I could do in my 49 things. Three months to enjoy life is like reminiscing my whole 30 years and summing them up in 3 months. Emphasizing the value of quality of life over it's quantity.

I'm talking too much here. In simple words, I just want to share a New Year's promise that I made with myself: To be more expressive with what I feel and not to deprive the people I love with what's due to them. In this way, I know I can never be sorry whether I'll die in my sleep or in 3 months' time of a chronic illness. Definitely not suicide.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

PMS Overdrive

Exactly 19 days from now, I'll be facing another challenge in my medical career. The specialty boards is giving me this big pressure...bigger than the one I felt during the medical board exam. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Expectations from a lot of people maybe? I'm reviewing a sample board question and boy! I didn't expect some of the questions to be very specific. I feel so inadequate and unprepared now. Two volumes of Harrison's is just too much to handle if I feed my teenie weenie brain with all the data and information that I can get from it. I'm afraid I might die of indigestion!

I know it! This is once again another PMS attack. Labile emotions, senti moments, active tear glands, minus the irritability, for the month of January. You see, I've been seated on this bed for weeks now with good ol' Harrison in front of me. The only contact I have with my immediate outside world is when I join the family for meals. Other means would be the cellphone beside me and of course, the blogosphere and the cyberworld when sleepiness overpowers me. Therefore, I have a great time of my life being in touch with my emotions. Imagine me wiping off some tears while watching a supposed to be romantic-comedy this afternoon. Inappropriate affect? Ugh!

All the anxieties, all the fears, all the pressures, plus my PMS attack, they're enough to open my tear dams. So spare this cry-baby for now. I'm just drawing some strength from my inner child. This is a personal battle I believe. Mom feels so sorry that she can't be of help to me. Prayers is all that she could offer and I do need it most. Morphine too feels helpless. I hope he can make it here during his break. His presence is more than enough to give me strength. Comforting myself, I saw this whiteboard right beside my bed. Written five years ago during my med school days, I cried even more after reading what I wrote. After that crying bout though, I felt so relieved from whatever it is that brings heaviness to my heart. I began to reminisce those times when I was so down and I wrote this. I was also very anxious if I could really make it through medical school that time.

Fast forward five years to the present, I'm done with residency training. I made it through medical school and the medical boards and I made it through residency training. So for the specialty boards, I expect for all good things...I have to expect for all good things. Yep! This too shall pass! This PMS too shall be over...soon! Big Dad loves this cry-baby more than I do. I have to remember.

Oh, this needs a chocolate fix. There's that big bar of Hershey's in the ref downstairs! Yahoo!

Saturday, January 03, 2009

I'm tired. Been very busy the whole day preparing for a party. I don't even have enough energy left to post how the party was and what it was all about. All I can say right now is that I'm not minding what I feel at all. This isn't even enough for what she has done for me all through these years. For the sweetest and the most understanding mom in the world, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You just don't know how thankful I am of you.

By the way Nay, here's to answer that one thing you've been worrying about me.
"It's not that I would want to remain single or I don't want to get married. I want to be an understanding and loving wife to my husband, like you are to Tatay. I want to raise my kids the way that you did to us. I want my family to be like ours. Fact is,
I just feel that I still fall short of being like you. Thanks for everything and I love you!"

Friday, January 02, 2009

The Ingrate

WARNING: Bitchy post ahead. I'm sorry to spoil your new year but I just can't help posting this. Anyway, you always have an option not to read this.

I'm fuming right now and I need this thing out of my system as a damage-control measure. Blog! Blog! Blog! I need to express this through this blog! For you see, just a few minutes ago, I heard a news that's not really good to the ears...and heart. It came from my parents so I'm ruling out gossip here.

There's this woman who serves in the church with my parents. She has a history of urinary bladder stone for several years now and has been scheduled for operation since then. Since she doesn't feel anything wrong with her system other than frequent episodes of urinary tract infection and dysuria (painful urination), she didn't consider the procedure, until recently when she was excruciating in pain and could no longer attend the church activities. She consulted at the hospital where I work and was given an ultrasound request. Lo and behold, a once thumb-size stone is now as big as a chicken egg. She's under the service of the Department of Surgery so there is no other way that I could manage this case. Ethics also prevents me from meddling with the plans of the said department.

The case scenario is that the patient was once again scheduled for operation. They have to wait however for a week. There were a number of cases ahead of them and though she's in pain, her case was not life-threatening. So the relatives of this patient came to me. For a sole purpose. For her operation be made earlier than the scheduled date. As a resident in Internal Medicine, what power do I have over her surgeons? I calmly told them that I can't help them on that matter. Even reassured them that if their patient was able to tolerate her condition for years, she could wait for a week for the said procedure. The best that I did was to endorse them to the Chief Resident of the Department of Surgery. Take note, not just a senior resident but the Chief Resident himself. He even facilitated their clearances and schedule and all.

So this Ingrate underwent the said operation and got well. Even saw her during the New Year mass the other night. Sensitive that I am though, I felt that she was cold to me. Before, she would even hug me just to greet me. How couldn't she? I was supplying her with her antibiotics every time she's having another UTI. Even gave her all my sample medications for stones. This afternoon however, I heard from mom a distorted story. I allegedly "scolded" this Ingrate's relatives when they came to me - according to the Ingrate. I never scold my patients and my parents know me. Just because I wasn't able to help them with their demands, they would make up stories against me? Oh, they even told my parents about it. I'm really scared! WTF! Pardon for the acronyms. Actually what I mean is What's The Froblem?

Mom understanding that she is, explained things to her during their talk. Dad was silent. I know what he feels. Got some of his attitude because I was feeling the same thing. I'm more vocal though. My parents reassured me that everything's ok and that things were settled with the Ingrate. I must not mind them. No, but no! I'm not done yet. After all those help I've extended to her, because of just one request that I denied her, for it was really out of my jurisdiction, they would do that to me? To think these people who made up stories were even greeting me when I see them in church! Phonies! I wanted to meet them and to tell them to their face how ungrateful and immature people they are! It's ok if they are ungrateful so long as they don't character assassinate me out of their ungratefulness.

Sometimes, I would even love to serve and to help strangers. People I don't know. At least these patients are less demanding and are more grateful for even the little things that you do for them. I'm not expecting anything from my service to other people. I'm not even demanding for a Thank You. What I just want is justice. For them to be fair and not just to think about themselves. They're old enough to know what being fair is. I'm just disheartened to know that they are not.

I'm a bit relieved! My spirit is quite dampened though. At least my baby sister has her way of making me laugh. "Ate, you forgot? They sent you to medical school?" Wahahaha. Ah yep! I must be the one who must feel grateful to these people. They contributed a lot to my medical education. Tsk Tsk If they only knew how my parents struggled for my medical education. If there are people who could demand things from me, it's only my parents. Yet, my folks were even more considerate in asking favors from me. These ingrates though? Ugh! They're supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...I know...I know....I just have to understand them. Until when?

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Something that Reminds Me Of

I soooo love these months. Nopes! Not the holidays. Spare me of the traffic, congested malls, unending parties and non-stop mastication and gastronomic exercises, puh-lease. I'm referring to the weather. Cold, cloudy, windy, and yep! windy - minus the rain. I've mentioned from another post that the "wind" deserves another entry so this one.

Something that reminds me of. Yep! The wind reminds me of something. I don't know what it is with the wind for like me, who is a walking irony of things, the wind too gives me those ironic feelings. I was in the mass last night and I was seated in my most comfortable seat in the chapel. Where else but the pew right next to the window grills. It's very strategic. I can see the altar and I'm seated next to the wall (autism qualification #1...avoids contact with a lot of people). At 9 o'clock in the evening, amidst the noise of the firecrackers and fireworks before the year ended, I felt so peaceful and comfortable. I can feel the wind in my face and it even gave me chills despite the fact that i'm wearing a jacket. This feeling was then followed by a very warm, comfortable and very secure feeling. A feeling as if someone so powerful hugged me very tight. Yep! Far more secure and comfortable than my morphine's bear hugs.

Ahhhh life! I may not know what lies ahead of me this year but last night, I just had a very warm bear hug from the Big Guy Upstairs. He knows the chaos that's going on in my mind and my heart right now. He knows my apprehensions and fears. He knows that I needed comfort and assurance for the New Year. Through the wind, He reminded me that everything's going to be okay. In my journey with life, I might feel cold and scared, but His hug is always there to tell me that I'm safe and I shall pass through things unscathed and unharmed.

As I'm posting this blog, I find inspiration from the wind that's blowing through my window. Cold yet is calling me to bed faster than the aircon. Ugh! Which reminds me. I still need to talk with Harrison here beside me.

A blessed New Year everyone!