Sunday, January 28, 2007
Took these pics during one of my "autistic moments" at the icu. While seated at the station, couldnt help but play with my fone. Felt tired ordering in the charts... Intoxicated by my patients' cases... Overwhelmed by the chapters that im supposed to read. Drifted off from reality and visited my own little world. Here are what ive got.=P
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Just got home from mass. I wasnt expecting that the supposed to be anticipated mass that i'm going to attend was also a mass celebrated for the feast of the Sto. Nino. Unexpectedly too, tykes, toddlers and even babies were all over the church. Oh, there's a blessing of children during the feast of the Sto. Nino I just realized.
I am easily disturbed by wailings or by children playing during mass. The supposed to be solemn ceremony was also equipped with laughter and crying. To may dismay too, i was seated at the back of three little demons who were tasked to destroy my solemnity. Oh, i didnt let them affect me. It's their day all right... better give allowance to their nuisances. These children know not much about church etiquette. Nor do they realize the essence of solemnity when attending a mass. They arent even aware that they are disturbing other people's peace like mine.
To whom am i pissed off then? To the adults who came with them. When i was young, i couldnt remember a time that i was unruly in church. What with my parents' reminder that we should behave when we are in a church. What with my mom's tiger-look when we would create a little noise when the ceremony's on-going. The accompanying adults that these children had were as if oblivious to what was happening around them. Good for them i think. They were able to concentrate in the ceremony. Not any one of them was able to let those little demons behave for not anyone of them asked them or reprimanded to.
I am not the children's parent. I was just a mere churchgoer who would have wished that i had the solemnity i wanted. I didnt mind the children either. I tried to concetrate in the mass but the old man in front of me, who had a cast on his left arm, caught my attention. Maybe feeling the same way that i did, he lost his patience. I witnessed him pushing one the children who passed by in front of him. What's worst? During communion, the children happened to be seated to where he was originally sitting. They all scrambled when he came back. One unlucky kid however seem to have blocked his way and off went his right leg as if kicking a football, in a subtle way of course. If only i could take a shot of what he did, i could have showed the pic to Bantay Bata.
Tsk tsk...how can these children know what's right from wrong when the adults around them dont teach them how. How can these children grow up to the character that we would want them to have when the adults around them arent even good role models? I pity those kids. It's their day. The homily even taught adults on how to treat them and on how to raise them. Yet those adults in front of me did the contrary. Ok, i'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. They too might have been disturbed by those kids' unruliness that they didnt hear the homily well at all. But boy, oh boy, they should have known this way way long before.
Oh well, im just a mere doctor, not a guidance counselor. I just hope that the next time around, i'll be granted the solemnity that i wanted.
Monday, January 08, 2007
On the 8th day of my 3rd year as a resident, i still have this feeling of inadequacy. Been telling my seniors before that internal medicine is really not for me for several reasons: 1. textbooks are tranquilizers for me 2. when i was in medschool, i didnt read much...i was wondering how i passed 3. my first love was pediatrics 4. i am toxic...very toxic when it comes to admissions...in short, i definitely dont have the time to read on my cases 5. did i mention that i hate to read textbooks?
In my senior year, i am expected to read. I do read. There really are times that i love to read. I just cant explain though why on the 2nd page of my reading, my eyes start to get heavy until i couldnt keep them from opening. Thus, i could finish one chapter on installment basis. First two pages first then the next pages the other time. In short, even if i read my book, it seems that my knowledge is in installment basis too.
This afternoon, we had our first mortality review. As the ICU resident, my cases were the first that our chairman reviewed. I had two deaths last week...both were acute myocardial infarction. Exaggerating he may be, but he was almost having an infarction while reviewing my charts...so he said. I thought i've done my best to salvage those patients. I thought i was managing them well. Yet, there were loop holes in my management that he was able to discover. He was keen to observe that based from the patient's vital sign sheet, my patient was not improving. Yet during my rounds, my patient was doing well not until a few minutes prior to her demise. It wasnt a sudden death i realized. Only if i was as keen as him in reviewing the patient's vital signs, i could have anticipated her supposed to be untimely death. Tsk tsk...i love mortality reviews!
Really! I love those times when my management are questioned. At least i get to polish them. At least someone looks over my work. What i just dont like with this review though is that someone has to die in order for me to realize our mismanagements. Someone has to die in order me to realize that i really have to read...voraciously read.
I feel so inadequate. I feel that there is a need for me to really study. Now what am doing right now? Alright, time to open my book and start the ball rolling. Goodluck self. Might be in dreamworld in no time.=P