Friday, November 10, 2006

The Final Blow

For the first time, i retreated from my problems. Not that i am afraid to face them. I withdrew in order to regain some strength to face them again head on. All along, ive been whining in this blog on how burnt out i am. Pressures from everywhere were evident. I could take them no longer. I wanted a rebreather. I wanted a break from all the monotonies and pressures that life offered. All these happened last night.

It was my father's birthday and he was holding a dinner at home. Autistic that i am, i am not comfortable with socializing with other people. Added to that was the emotional turmoil that i was going through. Should i go home, i'll be facing people and will definitely interact with them. It would be improper for me if i'll lock myself up in my room while there are visitors around. I'll definitely not gain a peace of mind until my next duty that is today.

To make the long story short, i didnt go home after work. I went to a parlor. I had my nails done and at the same time planned on my next stop. It was around 7pm and i couldnt think of a place to spend the rest of my time, just enough after all the visitors at the dinner have went home. I remembered that a co-resident gave me a gift certificate in a spa. The last body spa i had was when i was in Cebu last month. Good thing that they're open until 1am.

I'm not used to travelling in a puj in Bacolod at night...alone, but i felt no fear walking along the dark sidewalks to my ride. I went to the said spa and to my surprise, the people there know me. They were relatives of the patients i had before. I felt comfort in their company despite the fact that it was my first time to be in that spa. After i was done with my whole body spa, it was yet early to go home. I had a facial after it.hehe I went home around 11pm, took a cab, didnt ask my brother to fetch me.

The experience was different! I felt light after it. I felt surreal independence. I was alone by myself and i managed to realign my goals, to troubleshoot my concerns. Today, i'm once again on duty. The heaviness that i feel is no longer there. The pressure that keeps me small and weak started to dissipate. With this i conclude that after all the emotional turmoil that i went through for the past week, my PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME will soon be over!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Autistic Mode

If one could only feel how it is being inside a pressure cooker, i could say that i'm experiencing it right now. I could feel the pressure coming from everywhere. The pressure that's supposed to soften me. I chose not to soften though. Rather, i chose to be flexible and maleable, not hardened. Trying to adjust and adapt to the situation that im currently in.

When alone i'd rather put my earphones on and listen to my playlist. The mp3s that im listening to absorb me. I'm placed into a different dimension. I'm once again in my autistic mode. Oblivious to my surroundings no matter how noisy. Not feeling my emotions no matter how chaotic. Music bathes my soul, refreshing it, keeping it whole. If i could feel how it is being inside a pressure cooker, with my earphones on, i could feel how it is being in heaven.

Sadly however, my peace is usually interrupted by people around me. A patient's folk complaining, a nurse referring, an intern asking querries, a friend in need, or anyone who is not considerate enough to let me experience peace and quiet.

My duty was over. Now that i'm home, i'm spending my time alone. It's really different being alone with myself. It feels great to be in touch with my emotions, with my inner child. The pressure that surrounds me slowly dissipates. The load im carrying starts to lighten. Sometimes i get into thinking: It really is different to be innately AUTISTIC.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Burning Out

I really dont know if the same phenomenon that i'm going through right now also happens to my colleagues. Being in the medical profession is really damn draining. Sometimes i'm wondering where i get all those energy to sustain me. Everyday of my life i face people who drain all the energy out from me. People who are not only physically sick, but emotionally and financially incapacitated as well.

Aside from hospital work, i get to face problems at home. Once marked a doctor, no matter where you go, no matter what state of mind and body you are in, you will always be a doctor. After a 24-hour duty, i always look forward to coming home. The idea that i dont get to see patients and i dont get any ward referrals comforts me. What's disappointing however is when i still receive consultations from family members or neighbors. My mind that's supposed to be in stand-by mode when i am at home is once again put to work. I sometimes get irritated but thinking that this is one of the consequences that my profession has to offer, all i have to do was to keep quiet and finish the job. I find comfort in the fact that these people rely on me, being the only medical doctor in the family. My stubborn self however would always ask,"What was happening back then when i was still young and not yet a doctor?"

Work-related concerns aren't just the ones that preoccupied me. There are other things that bother me. All aspects of my life are somewhat chaotic. I need an overhaul. This week's quite stormy for me. I still manage to put on a facade of peace and quiet though. Deep inside this facade however is a walking disaster area. Anytime, i could breakdown. Anytime, i could blow up. My tear dams are on the verge of overflowing yet i still manage to keep them intact. I wanted to run away to a very far away place. I wanted to be in a beach with no people around me. I wanted serenity. I wanted peace and quiet.

I'm burning out again. I'm losing the battle. Problem however, how come this phenomenon is cyclical? Every month of my life, i never fail to experience this. Blame those hormones! I'm once again having my PMS!