Autism Overdrive

Achooo! Sniff! Sniff!

After several weeks of being absent in the blogosphere, i guess this blog collected enough dust and cobwebs to cause me this allergic rhinitis. Whew! I need to clean up this blog before Christmas so this post.

Actually, it's not just the season that kept me busy these days. I may just be in my "autism overdrive" for i always find myself doing things on my own. Blogging excluded for of course it would mean that i will still be exposing myself to the blogosphere should i publish a post.

What kept the autistic me busy these days?

1. Uploading videos and albums to my new baby and editing my itunes library with album art included. Warning to parents: this gadget is not good for kids. If you dont want an autistic kid, better let him/her play patintero or tumbang preso with the other kids in your neighborhood.

2. Finished this book......and currently reading this one...

3. Experiencing the agony of Christmas shopping that as always would leave me drained, tired and disappointed. For the record, i still have a long list to finish. I dont know what's with me for i wanted to buy gifts that would remind me of the recipient. I am used to making personalized ones to my loved ones yet time wouldnt just allow me. Oh well, must be the reason why nature blessed me with some finances (im not computing my expenditures now...let's just say i was held up!) for i was deprived of time in return. By the way, been doing my shopping all alone. I really couldnt buy anything when im with someone. The reason why i included this in my autism overdrive.

4. Experiencing the agony of wrapping gifts. Who said that shopping is the only hard part here? Well, im an expert in gift wrapping actually. The hard part is, it's not just one or two gifts that i'm wrapping. The more gifts i'm wrapping, the more i'm reminded of my long existence. If only i were Uncle Scrooge, i may be spared with this gift-giving.hehe

Well, should i also mention that after the "responsibility and load" was lifted from my shoulders, i didnt have much trash to post here than the previous months? For the spirit of the season too, i avoided to post as much trash as possible.

There you go. If you'll excuse me, i still have a book to finish. Just would like to greet you guys a Happy Christmas!

Gone Braver

I have been longing to post this. I made sure though that i am calm and more objective once i do it. It has been three days since this thing happened and i guess im calmer now. Hmmm, i hope.

Three days ago, someone buzzed me about a certain letter. A letter of complaint from the nurses in our ward. A complaint against us - our department. I didnt react until i saw the letter itself. Petty complaints and issues that were already addressed to in the past. Obviously, that letter was made out of their sentiments - not objectively done. Problem however was that they were barking at a wrong tree. They kept on blaming our system when the problem is not about our system but theirs. The problem is about their lack of staffing, their shifting, their superior and themselves.

Alright, i must admit that there's a flaw in our system too. They cannot however just put the blame on our late rounds or even on our inability to sign the prescriptions. Heck! They're too petty compared to their apathy. What really angered me was that the complaint reached the chief of hospital when in fact, we could talk things out in our level. I have a lot of complaints against our ward supervisor and the nurses during my time as the chief resident yet i talked things out with them. Been wanting to file a complaint against them too but i was a bit kind maybe. Even my co residents were tolerant to them. We understood their load. We understood their toxicity. Yet look at what they did. Twenty one nurses signed that letter. We were not aware about the problem when in fact we see each other everyday. Not until we received that letter of course. When i confronted some of them about it, they simply reasoned out that they were thinking that that letter was an attendance sheet? WTF! Do you simply just sign your name on something you didnt read in the first place? Just because everyone else's were signing it, you think it would be safe to sign it too? Where's the so called principle there? Where's the so called bravery there?

There are two things that would really anger me. One is if you lie to me and the other is if you'll betray me. I felt both because of what happened. My anger has subsided now though. The reason why im posting this already. I still cant forget what happened however. For now, I would be contented to let that supervisor know how angered i was by what they did. We had a meeting with the chief of hospital and we wasted our precious time there talking about things that were supposed to be resolved already. I was a bit relieved though after i said my part. The thing that the supervisor and her nurses didnt expect to come from me, from us. I hope that they were enlightened by what they did. Passive, apathetic and selfish that they are, i believe their letter boomeranged to them.

Again, myself surprised me. My voice didnt crack when i was expressing my part during that meeting. Before, i couldnt express myself well when i am angry. I would break my voice or i might not be able to say what's on my mind. Goodness! Have i gone bad really? Our chairman tells us that we have changed all along. We have become more assertive, combative, or whatever. Rationalizing everything, i believe that being able to fight evil doesnt make one bad. Maybe, we didnt become bad after all. We only became braver.

49 Things To Do Before I Get Married

A lof of my friends have been posting their "things to do" before they die. On my part, i find marriage synonymous to death so the title. Dont get me wrong. I also want to get married. I even promised mom that i would just to assure her that her eldest daughter will never end up alone as a spinster. It would even be a double wedding. My parents' golden anniversary and my own wedding.tee-hee Oh, the reason too why i limited my list to 49. By that time, I will be 49 years old.

Have been keeping this list for a long time and actually totally forgot about it. My recent trip to Mindanao though allowed me to eliminate a good number of things in that list. Might as well post my own list here to immortalize it. At least it would be more convenient rereading it again here in my blog than flipping through the pages of that old journal of mine. Achoooo!

Those things in yellow? I achieved in just 4 days!
1. Go bungee jumping - soon!
2. Go Skydiving - someone promised me about this...hehe
3. Train in Neurology - hopefully
4. Train in US - still praying
5. Buy an Ipod - i needed it and just in time that i had the money for it
6. Get to Mindanao - been there! woohoo!
7. Tour around Asia - i hope im still alive next year
8. Own a house by the sea - just in case someone sells his/her place...hehe
9. Go to Disneyland - i would settle for the one in HK now
10. Publish a book - would having a blog be considered?
11. Compose a song - started with the lyrics but lost it!
12. Sponsor a scholar
13. Serve the Missionaries of Charity - when my schedule allows
14. Go to Calcutta, India - just to see what the place really looks like
15. Learn to drive - a real driving lesson
16. Own a car - from my own finances
17. Go to Batanes - please
18. Go out on a real date - i dont consider going out with someone as a date not unless he tells me that it's a date that were having...hehe
19. Do stargazing under the bora skies with someone special - done this before but i dont consider that someone i did this with as special...hehe
20. Travel with someone special
21. Send my parents to a vacation - i mean a grand vacation
22. Help send a sibling to school - maybe in summer, this entry will already be in red
23. Own a Canon SLR camera - hmmm, i wanted a waterproof cam too
24. Go parasailing
25. Be in two places at the same time - i was in the middle of bukidnon and CDO when we went rafting
26. Write my autobiography - hehe
27. Learn to swim
28. Learn to ride a bike
29. Go scuba diving
30. Make a compilation of my pictures of sunsets
31. Travel out of the country with my family
32. Eat baskets of strawberries with salt
33. Do someone a favor everyday
34. Learn another dialect
35. Learn another language - french, spanish, italian, im still thinking
36. Meet the pope - i was at first referring to John Paul II - now we have a new pope!
37. Go to Rome
38. Ride a helicopter
39. Live on my own - INDEPENDENCE!!!
40. Travel to new places on my own
41.Have a rooftop garden complete with landscaping
42. Buy my parents their golden wedding rings - bought them silver rings during their 25th year i hope i could buy them their rings on their 50th...=)
43. Go white water rafting
44. Put up a foundation - my memorial foundation?=)
45. Surprise someone
46. Touch a life - i believe im doing this
47. Write my last will
48. Fall deeply in love - with eyes closed...hehehe
49. Commit without fear - this isnt easy for a commitment-phobe like me.

Back From the Rapids

I have been absent in the blogosphere for a quite a long time. There are a lot of things to blog of course but i was just too busy with things and of course with my Cagayan de Oro trip. Who will never look forward to that first trip i'm going to make to Mindanao? Alone? In my 29 years of existence, it would be my first time to step foot in Mindanao. This served as a challenge for me.

Now, I'm back! Back from that challenge i tested myself to take. It was really a challenge for me for it would be my first time to be in Cagayan and i could barely understand and converse with their dialect. Not to mention of course the trip that i have to take in getting there. Bacolod to Manila, then Manila to Cagayan de Oro. Can you imagine the Visayas, Luzon, and Mindanao tour that i had? Good thing i have my baby with me. Silver Snitch, kept me company during my autistic moments.


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Aside from the fact that i will be stepping foot in Mindanao for the first time, i was looking forward to that White Water Rafting Adventure that CDO is very known of. I didnt have an idea of the schedule of the convention that i attended. To my surprise though, there was a half-day activity alloted for White Water Rafting! It was one of the experiences that i will never forget! That was also the time when i realized that i have yet to add another item to the things that i wish to have...a waterproof camera!

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My 4-day trip to CDO did not just give me the time to unwind and to recharge. It also gave me a lot of opportunities to fulfill the things that i wish to do before i get married. Well, i guess this deserves another entry!hehe

Calculated Risks

The deadline for my research paper is fast approaching. It's the 13th already. Nah, early morning of the 14th yet im not yet through with my paper. The deadline? The 15th! Woohoot! Cramming...cramming..panic button...adrenaline rush...whew! Why cant i feel them? Why is it that i have a feeling that the deadline be moved to a later date? Uh-oh! This cant be for i already received the guidelines for it the set deadline. It was clear in bold letters that the deadline would be before 12 noon of the 15th. Ive started my paper yet the vital information, that are my results ladies and gentlemen isnt done yet. Im still waiting for my statistician to email them to me. Problem however is that it's early in the morning already yet i havent received them yet. Nice one!

Shucks! Blunted sympathetics? I'm telling my heart to go palpitate. My brain to run and be anxious. Yet here i am posting this blog as if i have no deadline to beat. Great! Too confident that i could finish it by tomorrow (when i will also be on duty) or am i not just driven to finish the job? Too comfortable that i could get through the experience or am i just too lazy to even worry about it? Still have that trauma from the past about how unfair people here were. You give your best shot and yet it's unfairly judged. Might as well give them a mediocre work just so i could complete my requirements. At least i will not be putting pressure on myself, less expectations and disappointments on my part and i would even be making them happy if they get again the trophy.

Relaxed. No-cramming. Calculated Risks. I guess this is what im currently practicing!

Blog Clean Up 2

I am dead tired. Hokaaaay! How can the dead tired still able to post another entry? Let's say my body's dead tired but my brain isn't. For you see, on a Sunday, i came home late since i have to make rounds with my juniors. We had a strategic planning yesterday and we simply grabbed the opportunity of being away from the hospital for a day. In short, we started our rounds a little late than usual.

The mere sight of my bed caused loss of consciousness. I only realized that i fell asleep when i heard my phone ringing. Half-way between being awake and asleep, i answered my call. Only to realize that i was a bit disoriented. Definitely have to hang up and i was again back into dreamworld. My brother woke me up again for dinner though that i could no longer put myself back to sleep. I have to drag myself into the dinner table but the sight of food in front of me woke me up.

Quality time with my family. This i always remember. In short, no matter how tired i am, i have to have the energy to bond with my family. Talked about my activities for the past 24 hours that i was away from home like the experiences i had with my colleagues in our strategic planning. Yep! We had another strategic planning. It's nice that for the 2nd time this year, all of us in the department went out of the hospital to realign our objectives and ourselves.

The reason for my being tired is that i didnt not just spend time with my family but my colleagues as well. Twas nice to see that there are already 10 of us in my 2nd family. I now have new younger brothers and sisters whom i guess have adapted already to our system. Twas nice to see our department grow in number. At least there are now more people that our big boss could drink with.hehe Unlike when there were just 6 of us, we were a boring lot for noone really's a drinker in our group. Anyhow, last night's activity was culminated by a drinking session at the resort's garden until the early morning. We've talked about everything under the sun...from training, to future plans, to lovelife. Epppp, lovelife? We too are normal actually.

The whole activity ended over lunch courtesy of big boss. We were seated in a long table and it really was a nice sight with all 10 of us eating together with our core consultants and their families. The sight i'll surely miss when i'm going to leave this hospital. Geez! What's happening to me? Another attack of separation anxiety?

These are the things that money cant buy. The time you spend with the people you love cant be charged to your credit card. The joys you get from the conversations you have with them cant be written off by check accounts. This is the bonding that i guess i cant experience again in subspecialty training. Actually, sent an mms to our past chief resident and he was kind of jealous with the bonding that we have. With another past senior of mine too, they even called me up to ask about the recent happening. Just so i could share with them the experience they were deprived of during their time and the joy that i might feel, i made a videocall. They get to see my colleagues, our consultants, our new siblings, our whole family. I might find another family from a new set of friends or acquaintances but nothing could equal the experience that i have with my department. The reason too why i could withstand the challenges of training in this crap hospital.

I may be dead tired physically but the reason why im still up is that the experience i had was like an adrenaline that keeps me going. I really couldnt sleep if i dont blog it. In short, it's not just all trash that im pouring out here. I'm once again doing a blog clean up. Now that ive consumed all my adrenaline here, i might now be able to go back to dreamworld.

Loving Dolores

I've mentioned in my previous posts that our hospital is under a new administration. I even gave them names. So Dumbledore and Snapes were back to their homebase and we are left with Dolores Umbridge here as our chief. I called her Dolores for i could associate all those new memos she issued in the hospital with what the real Dolores Umbridge did. In attitude and character though, i guess they're just the opposites.

Yep! I'm finally loving Dolores. After the rest have left, she remained here. I dont know if it's an order that she has to follow or by freewill that she chose to stay. She's got a family in Manila and here she is, in a new place with a different dialect, all alone and without a relative. For a mother like her, what a big sacrifice it is too to leave her family for a work assignment.

The previous administration left her with a crap hospital that's full of debt and without a budget. Add also those personnel who were pro-previous administration (since they were given their monthly benefits before), who were rallying against her present administration. Well, these people should realize that after the several juggling of funds that the past admin did, the hospital is left with nothing but debt. Why dont we top this with ineffective and corrupt departments in the hospital? This, she has to investigate. This, she has to monitor, to rectify, to straighten out.

I started to love her when i attended the emergency meeting that she called. Ive seen how firm she was in implementing the rules yet she added a touch of humor in it so as not to appear bossy. She was able to warn the section heads about their inefficiencies in a manner that was not offensive. One thing that really moved me in that meeting however was when she got teary-eyed. I felt her sincerity in helping our hospital. The reason she cried was because she was so thankful to the consultants and specialists that we have here in the hospital. Consultants who are not paid for their services in training the residents yet they spent their time here. This i guess is also one of the factors that the media failed to see in this hospital. She cried because she saw the dedication in every doctor and nurse that she met. In return, she was inspired to help our dying hospital too after all the odds ive previously mentioned.

Why will i not love her? She's not a native of this place. She did not even grow old in this hospital. Yet, i felt her concern for this hospital, for us, for our patients. She has to sacrifice her personal life just for the sake of helping revive our dying hospital. I did not see this from the previous administrators that we have. Instead, they were too busy grabbing the throne. To think, these people are from here and were working in this hospital for so long yet all they did for this hospital were crap. Here comes Dolores. She's got not just brains here. The reason why i love her is because she too has a heart.

Wish Ko Lang

Took a break from my readings. Yep! Been reading recently. Uhmmm when i mean recently, i meant, TODAY. I started reading today. The serious reading that is, for tomorrow would be another gruelling diplomate oral exam day. Why just now? I know that being too busy with work and other stuffs would be an accepted and expected excuse but i'd rather say that i wanted to cram, so as not to sound boring.hehe So here i am, the crammer, took a break from my readings, peeked at the tv on what's showing and posting another blog entry.

Speaking of tv, i had another helping of this segment on national tv, the Wish Ko Lang (im not plugging here, ok?hehe). Among others, i loved watching this segment eversince. I guess it's about the idea of making wishes come true that made me drawn to it. Ordinary people living ordinary lives having simple wishes, made come true by this show. I must admit that i couldnt help but shed some tears everytime i see the recipients so surprised and happy once they get their wishes. Yep! Scenes of authentic happiness...tears of joy...they still move me. The thought that there are still a few good men existing on earth made me forget about those people i abhor in the hospital. Made me more optimistic about the future, not mine but our patients.

We have a lot of stories in the wards. A lot of lives with a lot of wishes. If one would be just interested enough in our every patient's life, you'll discover not just the history of his/her present illness but the story of his/her life. In a way, being aware of who they really are, also affects my management of their cases. I would be paying extra attention to those patients of mine who are breadwinners in their families or those who were neglected by their relatives or those who are living alone as spinsters. The breadwinners need to be saved and the neglected ones need to feel that they are given attention especially if they're dying.

If i'll be given an opportunity, i would be writing to Wish Ko Lang. Problem however is that there are a lot of stories to write. There are a lot of wishes to grant and it would take months or even years before the stories i'll be sending will be read. By that time, some of my patients may no longer be around. For now, as a starter, i'd rather buy a lottery ticket so that if ever i will be given a chance to win several millions, i'll be granting my patients' wishes on my own. Too bad, Fairy Godmother disintegrated in Shrek 3 - only if she's around.hehe

On Blogging

I am on duty and i am sooooo thankful that finally, after the nth time of calling our ISP's technical support number, we already have an internet connection at this time of the night here in the office. It's been almost a month that we've got no internet connection here after 5:30 in the afternoon until early in the morning at 6am. In short, those emotions that i would want to pour out in this blog during my tour of duty have to wait for the next day when i get home. Definitely not tonight. For i couldn't wait for another day to let this thing out of my system.

Today's just one of my less tolerant days. I really dont know why i seem to be this sensitive and irritable. My hormones are i guess now back to normal after i had my period, in short i'm not suffering from my monthly PMS this time. I'm scared to consider pre-menopausal syndrome but having an early menopause would be one of my differentials. I may be hungry this morning that i had a glucose shortage in my neurons which could explain my irritability. After my brunch however, i was back to an irritable me. Thanks for my talent in acting though. At least i was still smiling in front of my patients. Oh if you could only imagine how hard it is to act happy but irritated for no reason at the same time.

Maybe i just wanted peace and quiet but i had a hard time acquiring it. For you see, ive been wanting to be in my autistic mode since this morning. I dont want to be with people. I get irritated with their presence. I've been wanting to find peace and comfort in this chaotic environment that im currently in but i definitely couldnt. One, i'm on duty so i couldnt just disappear in an instance and leave my post. Second, I never ran away from my responsibilities no matter how unphysiologic i feel and this day is not an exception. I stayed, i endured, i acted, i covered up, not until the last straw was drawn tonight.

Junior, one of my junior residents pulled the last straw. He too was one of my subjects in this blog. Another irresponsibility on his part made me angry at him. Fact is, i am the most patient person left here for him. Unfortunately, he wasn't just in good timing. I reprimanded him for another blunder he has committed AGAIN. In short, twas not the first time and twas no longer an excuse for him to commit it again. Instead of being sorry though, this Junior showed me his bratty side by trying to fight back. Raising his voice and sounding irritable with his answers to my querries, I couldn't help but to show him my bratty side too! I am the chief here and i am his senior. I wouldn't stoop down at his level much so that i believe that i am right. We are talking about people's lives here and i couldn't let this thing pass without him realizing his mistake. Yet our brat here showed me his real self.

The brat in me couldn't help too but to show up. Not to mention the bitch in me who wouldn't care who i'm answering to so long as i'm sure that i am right. I will stand on my ground bullheaded that i am. I showed him who's bigger and stronger here.

With my anger, i felt like crying but i will never show these people here a single tear. Ive been needing a breath of fresh air since this morning that I took a walk in the hospital, made rounds with our patients and drowned what i was feeling in my interactions with them . Been wanting to blog earlier yet our internet connection was down. Didnt talk this out to anyone, not even to a closest friend. This is me, i dont share my crappy feelings with anyone. Dont want others to feel miserable too. In short, the old adage misery begets company never applies to me. Not unless of course you're reading this trash that you now have a share of what i feel.

Burning out. This is my diagnosis. After everything that happened today, i finally realized that i am burning out. At last, life has been fair enough today. For whatever power, our internet connection's back, take note, after about a month. Finally, i was given this opportunity to blog tonight. With this, i have one single reason to smile despite everything. I still am blessed after all! I too couldnt be more thankful than having this thought, that even in the absence of a confidante, there's this thing called Blog.

Autistic Mode Activated

The month's about to end and i'm having a mix of emotions. I feel excited that finally, i'll be turning over the biggest load i'm currently carrying. On the contrary, there are deadlines that i have to meet within this month and this is the reason why i wanted the time to run slowly.

I can feel the pressure from everywhere. Sometimes, i couldnt help but get irritated by simple things. This is not PMS of course. I've got a lot of deadlines and im pushing on the panic button now. There's this 2nd part of the diplomate oral exams, my research paper, the manual of the department that i have to submit, the upcoming strategic planning, etcetera, etcetera. Whew! Problem too for i dont have the drive to finish them.

I am just thankful that i was born autistic. Times like this, i just sit at one corner and activate my autistic mode. I'll once again open my art box, take those brushes, watercolors and stuffs. Turn my player on and viola! I'll eventually forget those pressures around me. I'll be able to rest my mind even for a few hours from the things that bother me. Ahhh life! Im grateful for watercolors and brushes for though i was not born an artist, they too are beneficial when i choose to be an autistic.

Enough Attention

I'm a self-proclaimed autistic. In short, i'm allergic to anybody's ATTENTION for the attention that im giving to myself is enough to sustain me. Actually, I still could share enough of my attention to anybody who wants it.

In my wish of being ignored and not paid attention upon, i realized that there are a lot of people who wished the contrary. That there are a lot of us who are lacking of it and are doing every means to have it. Knowing this made me think that i really have to pursue my business proposal. With this, i also learned to be thankful. At least i have something that a lot of people have been wishing for. However, i also realized that too much attention isnt good for autistics like me.=)

One Day at a Time

Despite of witnessing deaths happening almost everyday here in the hospital for the past 4 years, i havent gone numbed to it. I still am affected by our patients' deaths. I try to detach for a few minutes as i pronounce a death to the patient's family. Once i turn my back away from them though, i am already fixing an emotional bug within me. Im thinking of the family that the dead has left behind. Much so if it's a young family. With 5 or 6 young kids to feed and the dead is the breadwinner. Im thinking of the pain that the relatives have to deal with.

Death is inevitable. It's a reality actually. It could happen to anyone, at any time and place. What's sad however is that we only realize how real it is once it happens, once we experience it. By this time, it's already too late. We forgot to express what we wanted to say. We've forgot to savor the feeling that we're supposed to experience. We would be too late to realize that death has already taken the only life that we hold on to.

It would be sad to know too that not all of us are open about this topic. How other people find it uncomfortable to talk about it. As if it would be taboo to talk about your own death. I could only relate to a few friends actually. Some are too uncomfortable hearing me talking about my own death. Others would even think that im having some bouts of depression or suicidal ideation. They are mistaken.

For me, it's only when i started to think about my own death that i started to enjoy my life. For the past 29 years, it's just recently that i seem to have fully lived everyday. The idea that everyday may be my last makes me feel unafraid of everything. I would dare do things that i think would make me happy so long as it doesnt affect other people. Like even if it would make me happy pulling the trigger on someone that really pisses me off, i definitely will not do it. It will definitely affect other people. Like making the other gunman unhappy if i cleaned up the job first.hehe

Happiness is subjective so they say. I discovered that one way of experiencing it is to perform each task that you do everyday as if it will be the last time that you'll be doing it. I realized that it changes my perception on things. That there's nothing difficult or hard to do. Thinking too that i might not meet the person im talking with again tomorrow, made me more appreciative of the presence of others. Made me savor my time with them the more. Save of course for some people i wish i didnt encounter. Their presence would make me wish that they'll go ahead of me so that they could stop affecting other people's happy lives.

My acceptance of death may sound morbid for some. This however is the only way that i am also able to embrace life fully. Living my life as if it were my last. Fact is, i already assigned a close friend of mine to comfort my parents in my grave by telling them that im ready for it. It definitely freaked him out.hehe

BLOG CLEANING

Since it's a Sunday, i'll try to disinfect and clean up this blog from all my trash by posting a different entry. From now on, if you find yourself reading an entry that's rant and whine-free, then it only means one thing - BLOG CLEANING'S ON GOING.

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ON BEING GRATEFUL

Just came home from a seminary. For the weekend, we became a foster family to one of the seminarians in their immersion program. My sister and I heard about the invitation during one of those masses we've attended and it was so sad to hear that out of the 49 seminarians who are in need of a foster family, only 12 families signed up at that time. Since we've experienced adopting a seminarian a year ago, we asked our parents if we could adopt one again for this year.

So yesterday, i met him after i came home from duty. He's on his 4th year already. Quite talkative, and he seemed to be so at home already. I was thinking that maybe, they were trained to mingle with people. Little did i know about him until mom told me his story.

Ok, i shall give him a name. Call him Mar. His life is like a pang Maalaala Mo Kaya entry. Made me think that those stories on tv do happen in real life. He grew up in an orphanage. At age 3, his parents separated. His dad, a wife-beater. His mom, born from a rich family who eventually lost their riches. Just like the other rich kids, she didn't know how to cook or to fend for herself that out of need, she married his dad. Of course they couldn't stand each other that they have to part ways. There were two of them in the family. Mar was left with his maternal uncle. His mom brought his younger brother with her. During reunions or special occasions however, he could hear his relatives talking about his mom. The kind that he couldn't take. The kind that as a young kid, made him hate his mom for leaving him with his relatives. So at a young age of 10, he wanted to find himself. He left his uncle's family and he found himself in an orphanage. It's from this orphanage that's being run by a priest that he found family. Not the kind that there's a mother or a father figure though. This is from this orphanage where he grew up until he decided to enter the seminary.

I need not tell every details of his story. Maybe i could post another entry for him. Anyhow, what I'm just trying to tell myself is that, i have to be grateful for having this kind of family that i have. After meeting Mar and after hearing his story, i realized that not all people are given the chance to have a mom or a dad. Not all people have a family to gain support from. That there are people who basically live on their own. That no matter how independent i am, i couldn't picture out myself surviving without my family.

Mar was so grateful that he was assigned to our family. I'm more grateful though. His presence made me appreciate the little blessings that i have. His presence made me appreciate my family the more. My feeling of gratefulness was even more affirmed during the homily when i heard mass tonight. I could remember well the exact words of the priest:"Someone who's not grateful doesn't know how to look back: at people, at circumstances or experiences."

Looking back, there are a lot of people and experiences that i have to be very thankful of. I need not mention these here but basically, what i wanted to say is that i couldn't find ways of how to pay them back.The reason i guess why I'm in this crap hospital is because i feel that this is one way of paying back those people who have helped me all along. I'm here because i couldn't keep all those blessings I'm receiving to myself alone. Fact is, i don't think i'm innately generous. I just feel so obligated to give back to others the blessings that i receive. I'm not claiming that i'm kind or good-natured for i really am not. If i am, I'm no longer alive posting this stuff. Good people die young, right?

My Dream Work

MORBID POST AHEAD. STOP READING BEFORE YOUR PERCEPTION OF ME CHANGES.

I know and i feel how fulfulling it is being a physician. There's some point in my life however that i feel tired being one. In my autistic mode, i would dream of another job. Pardon me if i would sound morbid or gory in this post. This is definitely just a dream job ok? Not unless of course i would let this dream come into a reality then be afraid of me, be very afraid...hehe

Kidding aside, after watching the movie, The Brave One, my violent tendencies came alive. Not the criminal type of course. The vigilante in me who wanted everything else to be fair. Life's never been fair of course. Thinking however that there are still people out there who live out of other people's lives, people who are commensals, worst, parasites, i couldnt help but imagine that they'd be wiped out of this earth. Our justice system sucks! Ok, rephrase my sentence if it sounds offensive. Our justice system's like a slug. Now would this sound better? If our justice system would be this slow in serving justice to those who were aggrieved, it would have been better if there are vigilantes around. If it really is true too that our justice system favors the rich and the ones in power, then we'll be thankful if there are vigilantes in our midst.

Yep! I guess im already revealing what my dream work is. When i grow up, i wanted to be a VIGILANTE. A whaaaat? Okaaaay, a vigilante! Now, dont tell mom. Ironic how i could become a life saver by day and a vigilante at night. Hmmm it probably will be taking away the routine kind of life that i have. I will be saving a life that's worth saving by day, and be taking a life worth sending to hell at night. This would be fun!

After watching the movie, i guess i would also take an automatic rifle as my weapon. As a lifesaver, i know where to hit my victim and kill him with just one bullet. Problem however is if i could hit my target.teehee Definitely will practice target shooting. What with the number of cats roaming around our wards? Oh not to mention the relatives of Ratatouille who are as big as the cats. They are good targets for my practice. Practicing in our wards however is a no-no. It wouldnt be discreet. I guess i could go to a secluded place in town and practice shooting at the...hmmm moon? Ok, a can of milk might do.

Who's on my hitlist? Nah, i need not mention them. For my own safety, just in case there are vigilante's who are already ahead of me and who are also planning to exterminate these people, i will not give a clue. They might do the clean up, and since i, the dreamer, mentioned the names of these people in this blog, might be implicated for the act.

Sharing my darkest thought would be enough for now. So long as our justice system is as slow as a slug, i shall put a slug in someone's brain - should my wish be granted. So long as there are people in the position who are using their powers and positions for personal gain, i shall keep on dreaming. So long as there are abusive personalities: patients, their relatives, hospital employees or my colleagues, i shall never let go of this wish. So long as there are people who unfortunately mutated into parasites, i will hold on to that dream.

Conservatives and religious might comment that i should not put justice in my own hands. Question is, do these people have the right to run other people's lives? Who gave them the right in the first place? Logic however tells me that if these people that im going to exterminate arent meant to die, they definitely will not die no matter how i fill their skulls with slugs. I will just pull the trigger. Let the one in great power take the last breath.tee-hee


postscript:
you know what really made me feel good about the movie? This one...

Profession Slur

The reason I guess why I've been wanting to become a physician is because i wanted to feel the so called fulfillment in life. The kind when you get to help other people. You get to save them from their sickness, may it be physical, mental or emotional, and despite of being so freakin tired, you still feel happy and fulfilled at the end of day. I need not be rich. My bank accounts need not be in several digits. I need not own a big, grand house in a big subdivision. I need not even a luxurious car. I never dreamt of these when i was young. All i wanted is to sleep peacefully at night, thankful for the day, fulfilled for what ive done.

Too much for an introduction. It's just that today, i realized how some people have abused our so called profession. Oooops, i will not be talking about the Desperate Housewives thingie here. One, i havent watched a single episode of it. Two, i'm not that affected by the actress' statement. Fact is, I know myself better than her and i know what a Filipino can really do. So better not join the heat of the nation.

Let me just focus in my own little world. Let me scrutinize one by one the "profession slur" that i have experienced as a physician. People, twas not just Teri Hatcher or ABC who committed such slur but my fellow Filipinos as well. I'm doing this not to defend myself or my profession. I'm doing this as an eye opener for i cant deny what's happening around me. Ironic how the country reacted to such statement when fact is, as a physician, i dont feel protected and thanked by my own countryman.

Been working in this crap government hospital for more than 3 years now and i feel that i am very much indebted to my fellowmen. Since i work in the government, i am expected to serve the Filipino people. I felt how demanding other patients were. I experienced how unfair these people were in treating a government doctor compared to a private practitioner whom they are paying to. It seemed as if these people have contributed a penny in my medical education and that they are expecting me to pay them back. They were thinking that the food that i eat, or the expensive coffee that i drink came from their pockets. Sad to say, these demanding people are also the ones who arent even paying their community taxes. Sad to say too that a large fraction of my salary goes to taxes and this is what im experiencing from the hands of a fellow Filipino. This is fact. This is what the nation should know.

I havent really gone into an argument about this matter with someone. I am too toxic to argue with anyone and my time is too precious to be wasted on a narrow-minded creature. Same thing as what im doing with Dementress Jr, benign neglect is all that i do. Should i really lose my temper which very seldom happens, i might, i just might do the worst thing that i could imagine doing. Cast the demanding filipino with the Cruciatus curse. Kidding. I mean, ask the demanding patient if he pays his taxes and double or even triple it and send him to another hospital. Heck! One of a few reasons that could force me to get married are my taxes!

Aside from being demanding, some of them would always seek the aid of media. The most of the time one-sided mediamen on the other hand would react and hurl derogatory remarks at us. We've become a daily delicacy in the households everytime these media would ride on some issues and feast on us. We are being threatened by some patients that they will run to the media for help should there'll be a problem that will arise in our management. Should i once again lose my temper on this one, i would also bring some issues to the media. Like the government not having enough budget for health and that we too have to take a fraction of our tax-deducted salaries in order to help a patient. That there are some patients who are abusive and demanding and at the same time are not paying their taxes. That there are some relatives who never move a finger in looking for resources for their patients. That they only wait for whatever divine providence that might drop from our leaking, dust-filled hospital ceilings.

Oh, let me not forget those philanthropists. Rich people who wanted to serve the poor, the sick and the dying - for the photo ops. I always feel so exploited when i work with them. Ok, not all of them. There are some who really are genuine in their intentions. But then, really! Those medical missions? They dont impress me. Imagine a doctor being asked to volunteer for the said project and being drowned by the number of patients that come for the mission. The organizers on the other hand would appear later in the activity, fully made up, not a single sweat or oily part on their faces and not a single hair is misplaced. Some would even dare touch some patients but with an alcogel on the other hand. Of course, not to mention the camera in front of them. Disgusting!

Include also some of our kind who are a disgrace to our profession. Physicians who might have mutated from a very idealistic premed student to a very materialistic professional. Some would even look down at some doctors who can never equal their wealth or their positions. Those who forgot their Hippocratic oath. Those who forgot what a real healer is.

These people that ive mentioned are Filipinos. Most of them i guess were also the ones who reacted to that statement in that tv series. Look who's talking now? Listen to those praises about a Filipino doctor. Read those defenses that they did in favor of us. These gestures didnt move me. Same thing that i was not that affected by the racial slur that tvshow has committed.

I'm living my life one day at a time. I can sleep peacefully at night. I still feel fulfilled at the end of the day. Ok now, Filipinos, let the one without a sin throw the first stone at Teri Hatcher.

Respect

Note: This post has been reedited several times in order to make this safe for public consumption. I believe in social responsibility. Much that i cant help it, but the traffic in this blogsite has increased. Thus, i have to the best that i could, screen my posts to a less harmful level, before i publish them. If you still find this post offensive though, read on, i need not explain why.=)

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I believe that respect is earned. You dont ask other people to respect you nor can you buy it from them. I for one couldnt force myself to give my respect to someone who doesnt deserve it. Just like this someone who started my day on a very bad note.

I call him with a lot of names. I think it's but normal to call someone who pisses me off with a lot of names. It's one way of releasing that uncomfortable feeling towards that someone actually. I know it's quite an un-Christian way doing such but the heck! I know however that God will understand why i'm acting this way. I'm not running for a saintly position and im not forcing my way into heaven. It's just that im this expressive when im angered by someone. Well, why should i suffer keeping this bad feeling inside of me when i have the opportunity to pour it out in this blog? Oooops, too much rationalization now.

Back to this someone, call him Totoy Bibo. I even have names for him in the vernacular that i'd rather not mention. He's Totoy Bibo, for recently, he's become visible in the hospital. I dont know if i have talked about our administrators here who were temporarily suspended from their functions a few months ago because of some irregularities. Anyhow, this Totoy Bibo was the only one left from the old administration. He's supposed to be the one in charge of training in this hospital but i really am not sure if his job description is clear to him. He's in charge with the training of the interns and residents and for the past 3 years that i've worked as a resident here, i havent seen him performing his function.

When the new administrators came however, in the person of Dolores Umbridge, Severius Snapes, and Albus Dumbledore, this Totoy Bibo became very active. He reports to the hospital almost everyday, he calls meetings most of the time and the department that he runs improved (in a way) in its services. He talks as if he knows everything that's happening in the hospital. Truth is, he has spread himself too thinly with the jobs and responsibilities that he assumes in and outside of this hospital to the point that he can't function well. He too owns businesses outside of the hospital that made him more unethical. Rumor has it that he too has the interest to the throne. The heck with that throne that it attracts personalities who are greedy to fame, wealth and position. Seems like the ring in LOTR, eh. In short, im thinking that the reason for his being very active is because he was trying to build an impression with the new administrators. Maybe, these guys could recommend him to the throne.

He's just so phony however to the point that he's quite so obvious being such. Granting however that i am wrong, the reason maybe why he's very visible nowadays and is performing his function well, is that he might be dying. Bad people only become good when they know that they're dying.

To wrap things up, i need not elaborate on what transpired today. It's just that earlier in the Tuesday conference, i embarassed him in front of Dolores. I just answered in defense of my department and of our consultants. Fact is he's the one who's at fault should the conference be cancelled for he didnt organize it. He was trying to use my consultants however as a scapegoat. I definitely wouldnt allow it to happen that i have to explain our side too. What pissed me off was that he called me in front to talk about a certain patient when in fact we werent given the protocol earlier and i didnt have the slightest idea of who the patient was. He was trying to get even by calling me in front but fact is, what he did ricocheted and hit him back after i explained my side why i couldnt talk about the patient. It turned out that the conference was not planned and organized but since he was too ashamed to admit his mistake, he put the blame to the other departments.

Tell me now if i should pay respect to this someone. It's easier for me to give my respect to the helper or janitor who works his ass off for our patients' benefits than to respect a phony individual who's covered with money, position and title and oh, greed!

Techie Mom

One thing that i really admire about my mom is that she's not afraid to try new things out. If other moms out there her age, are afraid even to tap on the pc's keyboard, mom's different. She could handle a pc or a laptop, could manage excel, word or powerpoint, could surf the web and i guess she could do almost everything that's expected to be learned about technology by a mom in her early 50's. Well, she's just blessed to have techie kids, that's why.hehe At least she could call anyone from the 4 of us for help in case she'll be needing one.

Recently, we had a little argument. Little, for we really seldom argue. The topic was on which phone to order for her postpaid plan. One of her line's due for a retainer phone and i found on the list that she could avail of this smartphone that i have been crushing on since its release. Oh well, call me weird but im more attracted to phones and technology than to men. Nah, point is you could eliminate a certain gadget out of your life with less hassle than eliminating a boyfriend. Now back to my crush (the smartphone), she will just shell out a little cash in order to avail it. My mom, wise spender that she is, preferred to settle on the retainer phone in her plan instead so that she cant shell out any cash. I on the other hand (who's very much attracted to this smartphone), offered to donate a part of my salary for the said phone so that she could avail it. Of course, mom agreed. Who wouldnt take an offer? In short, she applied for that phone.

The argument came when about 2 days after the said application, she told me that she cancelled it. Huwaaaaat? She settled on the free phone instead and would want to take the cash that i'll be offering instead. Mom?!? I was kind of irritated with the said decision. Sometimes mom decides in a split second you know. I was too excited for the said phone more than her and then i will be disappointed by the sudden changes of plan? Aaaaargh! I really argued with her. I laid down my premises and supported my cause. Realizing i guess that i really have certain points, she only muttered, "There will always be next time."

For you see, about 2 or 3 years ago, i was prodding her to buy the palm treo. Being in the business world, this thing is really very handy for her. She had several considerations to the point that she already decided not to buy it. Not of course until one afternoon when she asked me to accompany her. I really dont know what she had eaten that time that i found myself purchasing the unit in a cellfone shop with her. Geez! Should i have known earlier, i must have canvassed from one store to another for a good buy. Well, this is mom!

So i totally forgot about my crush. I was already disheartened during that time. I was thinking that if mom wouldnt want it, then maybe i could have it once my plan will due for another retainer phone. I just feel sorry for this phone really fits her needs and yet she didnt want it. The phone was already out of my mind not until mom called me to accompany her again. Knowing that im the most techie among her kids, i was asked to join her again in claiming her new phone. To my surprise, mom reconsidered! She got my ultimate crush! The Sony Ericsson P1i!
The reason why i didnt want to have it myself is because of its QWERT keypad. Since mom's been using treo, she's used to this stuff. The reason why im pushing her to have it. That was quite a surprise from mom actually. Surprise for one, she realized that i was right in my choice that's why she took the phone, and lastly, i already crossed out from my budget the amount that i am supposed to contribute for this phone. Waaaaah! Oh mom!

Relieved

I feel so relieved! The 2nd presentation of the interns was over today and it went on smoothly. What after threatening Murphy? Should his law had manifested again today, i'll definitely be running after him even in hell. Im exaggerating alright. Why the hell should i follow him in hell? I have enough hell-like experiences in this crap hospital already. Ooops! How many "hell" did i just type?

First time's are really different. The first presentation was almost traumatic to me. Renegade that i am though, never will i succumb and let that experience traumatize me. I learned from it and vowed to avoid committing the same blunders again the next time. This next time was this afternoon's presentation. I felt like a stage mom, anxious, nervous, concerned about the presentation. After our big boss commented about it and on how the presentor delivered her report well, i felt so happy and relieved! Imagine that at 2:25 in the afternoon, i heard the phrase, "VERY GOOD!" coming from him that's addressed to her. I've witnessed how happy she was. From the "i-am-dying-look", i've seen how her face lightened up. Whew!

Heck! What with all the encouragements and support coming from her fellow pgi's and I? Her fellow interns were helping her out with her presentation too. Others would cover for her in her duties, some would stay until the wee hours of the morning doing research for her. Also, we've used up all the encouraging words on her that we even resorted to reverse psych her this morning since this girl really has a (psych) problem. She was so afraid of the big boss and she was so anxious with her presentation. Confidence level was at 50% and fear at almost 100%. Several times did she ask me to excuse her from her duty to the point that it was ok for her to incur extensions for her absence just so she could finish her slides. Nah! I prefer an intern who could perform multitasking i told her. Not compromising her duties and at the same time preparing for her report. I could sense that this girl has something great in her but as usual, these talents are yet untapped and undiscovered. I dont know why like the other people i know, she continues to live in fear, forgetting how gifted and talented she is. In short, she continued to report on duty, she was able to finish her manuscript and was able to deliver her report well.

Goodness! Though this presentation was less stressful than the previous one, i was a bit stressed more with the reporter. When i saw her last slide though, i was relieved like her. She hugged me after most of the people have left, thanking me for the support. Oh, she was thankful with my reverse psych tactics? Like telling her that im going to send her home and that her reporting will be cancelled after all those sleepless nights and efforts that she had, after she commented that she felt like giving up. Oh well, maybe it's both a gift and a curse having the talent to deal with different kinds of people. So long as everything turns out for the good of everybody though, i will be complaining no more.


p.s.
The success of the presentation this afternoon was i guess a collective effort. Two down, and we're left with only 15 presentations.=)

New Comrades

I will not wonder why it's been quite some time before i'm able to post something here. Life's been quite good with me lately that i didnt have enough trash to post. This one's not a trash either. Rather, one of a few light posts in this blog. In other words, if my other posts were trash, this one's recycled - meaning you could read this over and over again without feeling drained.

For you see, we had 3 applicants in the department. Previous interns who are committed to join our growing family. New comrades who will help us save lives and make or break lives. Saving the lives of our patients is our ultimate goal. Making or breaking the lives of our interns is secondary. Nah! For my last statement, i'll go for "making". These new comrades of ours who were previously slugs, roaches and the like, are now full-fledge doctors like us. If we broke their spirits when they were interns, then they shouldnt have applied in our department in the first place. I believe that we have one ruling objective in our deparment and that is to inspire future doctors. This one hell of profession that we have will definitely be a hell if one is uninspired and not driven. Maybe in the course of their internship, spearheaded by our big boss, we have inspired these new comrades of ours in one way or another.

I believe that with the additional members of our family, the workload will be lighter. There will never be a time that we will be going on duty alone. I hope that there will never be a time that one has to reach a point that she has to divide her body to answer simultaneous toxic referrals. I am looking forward to a 24-hour duty with a longer sleeping time. The latter, i have been dreaming to experience eversince i was an intern. I dont know if it's really me who's toxic for not being able to experience this so called complete bed rest, or maybe i just couldnt take sleeping over my responsibilities. Now as a senior, who have experienced toxicity at its best for the past 3 years, i guess i deserve some time of comfort too once our additional comrades start. I'm saying this with my fingers crossed.

The more the merrier so they say. Our family has gone bigger now. I just hope that no matter how big our family shall become, the bonding and camaraderie among the renegades will continue. I hope that we'll still be united in our goal of "saving and making lives". I wish that our new comrades also have this in their hearts and minds. Experience tells me however, that there's a "theory of natural selection" that's going on in our wards. It's not us who really screen the neophytes. Rather, it's our ward that kicks out undeserving ones and it's the ward that helps support the chosen few to survive.

Me, Murphy 'n Mary

I really couldnt imagine my loooongest THREE (3) hours today! I have experienced MURPHY'S LAW at its finest! When i say finest, ive reached the point that i would really decide to quit residency training and abandon my duty today. My psyche was challenged to the fullest. My logical reasoning and objective thinking were measured. My emotional quotient was once again tested.

"ANYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG, WILL GO WRONG."

This WRONG happened to everything all at the same time. Starting at around 9 in the morning today, a cascade of events happened. An outpouring of Murphy's Law.

SCENARIO:
Date: September 8, 2007
Time: 8:30 am
Venue: A conference hall in Crap Hospital
Activity: 1st Post Graduate Interns' Conference , the brainchild of our Boss and consequently, our Department's project too.

1. Imagine a hall with jalousie windows in its entirety at 9 o'clock in the morning. Imagine how very well lit the hall was. Quite a nice venue for a conference alright. Catch is, we'll be using an LCD projector and the curtains that serve to render the hall dark were sent to the laundry.

2. The one assigned in that hall to facilitate things was off. It's a Saturday, remember? In short, have to look for someone responsible for the job. Finally, after calling the maintenance office, i was referred to the janitor who was supposed to put the curtains up.

3. The janitor who was tasked to do it was absent.

4. At exactly 9 o'clock AM, the supposed to be time of the scheduled conference, not one resource speaker was around yet. Good thing they havent arrived yet for...

5. After how many weeks of preparation for the presentation, the final slide presentation went pffft! Yep! After the main computer where the presentor was working on crashed.

Tintintin tintin tintintintintin tintintintin tintin tintin...it's almost equivalent to a wedding without the bride. The special character of the occasion. Okaaay! A wedding without a groom if as an opposite sex you felt offended.tee-hee

6. Called our boss to ask for a 30-minute allowance for us to solve the problem. It would have been worse if he comes to the venue without the presentation. The reason why i called him right away about the problem. The reply was a bit expected but i wouldnt have wished to hear. HE'S NOT COMING TO THE PRESENTATION! This is his brainchild and he's not attending it?

7. I am on duty. The emergency room was my post this morning since my junior had to make rounds to her patients. At the peak of my toxicity, i was receiving referrals from the ER nurses.

8. Out of the blue, the OPD nurse texted me too. There are 8 patients for consult. However, the doctor assigned at the OPD was on an emergency leave. Again?!!? What the hell! He once again left his post without a word.

9. Finally, a consultant came to attend. Finding herself alone however and knowing that the slides are being finalized yet, she eventually left. Great!

10. Didnt have breakfast, was hungry, was tensed, pressured, and disappointed. The food caterer was late for the appointment and couldnt be reached through her cellfone.

11. Tried to call her landline but the only available fone inside that hall has a broken pad. The number 9 pad was busted that i cant dial any number with a 9. Sheesh! The caterer's number has a 9 in it!

12. Planned to call her through my cellfone. After several calls and texts that ive made and received however, my fone was on the verge of draining. Not a single soul in the hall has a charger. Mine was in our conference room.

13. Called up our office to ask our secretary for my charger but she was not around. Called her up through her fone with the remaining life that my battery has. She couldnt be reached!

Aaaaargh! After all of these, I found myself standing on the stairway outside of the conference hall breathing some fresh air. I really was contemplating resignation. I have invested too much effort and time in this project too. By whatever force there is and whatever law of murphy or whoever, everything just screwed up! What's worse was that the man behind all of these decided to cancel everything! I felt like i was abandoned in the battle by my superior. I've supported him in this project, spent time with the interns too knowing that this project could benefit them. I've done the best that i could for the activity, the presentor prepared for this too and it was that simple for him to cancel everything? It's like all our efforts were doomed to drain. This was supposed to be a great project that's facing its death before it is even born. Hmmm, call it abortion?

While thinking of the most logical thing to do, i realized that i was standing right in front of the image of the Virgin. I remembered that it's her birthday today. Greeted her and asked her for whatever enlightenment. Asked her for comfort too. I was on the verge of crying but since i was in that public place, i dont want to expose my tears to whoever was around. I wished for all these things to stop from happening.

By whatever Divine intervention, all the wrong things that happened were corrected. The curtains were up, the food came, the slides were finalized again, my co-residents covered at the OPD and at the ER, after we've talked, the Big Man behind all of these decided to come to the venue and finally, the presentation was pushed through! Not only that, the Big Man was a bit contented with it. I was anticipating a walk-out drama should the presentation be a crap and couldnt meet his standard.

By 12 noon, while admitting patients at the ER, i received texts from our interns asking me to go back to the venue to eat. The big boss called me too. I guess he was already munching on that lechon that ive painstakingly (kapalmuks) asked from a drug company. Whew! All the while i was thinking that that pig will die without a purpose. Only to find out that its death was in celebration of a victory and the birthday of the one who countered Murphy - Mary.=)

The 48th Hour

I survived my 24-hour duty as the lone resident yesterday. After admitting 33 patients for the whole 24 hours, take note, the previous' day duties only had 14, i still am awake on my 48th hour. Together with two of our interns, who woke me up from my slumber by invading my room, we're finishing a report that's due on Saturday. Just got back from Mc Donald's after our caffeine fix. We realized that all three of us were on duty the other night and we needed it to power us up. With the way things are running now, we're expecting to last for a few more hours. Tsk! Tsk! I really cannot understand why people always love to cram.

The Child Within

I dont know why im feeling this way. I just feel soooooo light and ecstatic. It seems that i also lost one thorn deep within. It really feels different when your prayer is granted. For you see, i just blogged about it this weekend and today, i witnessed what i wished to see. Need not tell the details but all i can say is that nothing's better than an honest and sincere communication.

How i wished i was back to the time when i was a kid. Kids dont keep grudges or resentments. When they would have arguments among their peers, they may punch each other or shout at each other just so to express what they really feel. A few hours or the most a day after, they're back as friends again as if nothing happened.

I wish as an adult i am like them too. What i couldnt understand is that as we grow older, we lose that child within us. Instead of becoming more courageous to express what we really feel, we tend to bottle up our feelings and in a way suffer with it. Must be the reason why there are a lot of us who feel unloved. Why there are a lot of misunderstandings that remained unresolved in time. Why there are a lot of relationships that were never patched up. Must have been our experiences of pain, disappointments and betrayals as we grow older that make us less expressive of what we really feel.

It's quite sad to know that it would take years for some to settle their differences or conflicts. I'm just so happy though that today, i've witnessed two mature individuals who set the child within them free. I wasnt seeing two adults talking rather two kids who were making peace with each other. Fact is, it only took them less than an hour to settle years of misunderstandings.

I always make it a point to listen to this child within me. She cries and she complains, everytime i carry something deep within that i couldnt express. Resentments, anger, grudges, they consume her. This is the reason i guess why most people i know find me confrontational or gutsy when it comes to these stuffs. I dont want her to carry that load. I dont want her to grow old and mature and eventually lose her zest for life. I dont want her to live on resentments and eventually realize that ive wasted so many years letting her live in such mess. I dont want her to lose her optimism and idealism. Life's always been unfair and without these, she might not be able to see its beauty. Life's really so damn short to live it in misery. Why will i spend most of it in pain or in suffering when i have a choice to live otherwise?


Sheesh! What am i talking about here? It's either i'm having a regression or i'm dying. Hmmm either way, i know i'll be dying in peace.hehe

On Gratitude

I was brought up in a home where charity and gratitude matter. I was taught to share my blessings and at the same time, taught to look back on the people who have been instrumental to my growth as a person. Whether that person has been good or bad to me, in a way, his/her presence in my life has contributed much to my maturity. I will forever be grateful to them. Yep! No matter what pain i have experienced with them in the past.

Fact is, I dont live on resentments and i will definitely have no time for vengeance. If other people have done me more harm than good, then there's noone to be blamed but myself alone for allowing it to happen. In short, i just have to live with the idea that there are naturally bad people and these bad people were created for a purpose too. It all depends on how i'll let them affect my life. Everything lies on how i would let them mold my character.

Recently, i received a call from a junior consultant who happens to be a former senior resident of our department. I felt all her pain and resentments to our department and to my former seniors too who happen to be her juniors. When i was an intern, i already witnessed this conflict between her and her fellow residents. Ive seen both sides of the coin. Ive kept mum though and kept my opinion to myself knowing that i would be in no position to intervene. After more than three years, i was called to be involved. Receiving that call, hearing her side of story and emphatizing with what she felt, i feel that there's a need for me to eventually say something.

She resented the fact that her juniors where ungrateful for what she had done for them. They were talking behind her back, were talking bad about her, and did not talk things out with her. I am not taking sides here. Both parties are close to me for in a way, they both contributed to where i am in right now. What i just cant take is the fact that why on earth can other people be so ungrateful? This junior consultant might have lapses or deficiencies but these are not enough reasons for her junior to talk bad about her especially to our chairman. Fact is, not because you can already stand on your own feet or fly on your own wings, you'll eventually forget what someone has done for you when you were a fledgeling. She was way ahead of them and for sure, she has trained them too when they were just starting. This i guess would be enough for her juniors to pay her a little respect too even if they forgot how to be grateful.

Noone's perfect shall we say. I for one have a lot of resentments too to my seniors. These arent enough though for me to forget all the help that they have extended to me when i was just starting. As previously mentioned, i dont carry these resentments with me. I have enough responsibilities to carry on my shoulder. To degrade someone though or to assassinate her character for whatever benefit is quite unreasonable. If this junior consultant had been selfish, much that i felt that my seniors have no right to be ungrateful to her for they themselves didnt differ much from her honestly speaking. Hearing the extent of the damage that they have done to her life is not even enough reason for me to lose my respect on them.

There's a truth really to the old adage that one mistake is enough for other people to forget all the goodness that you've done. Her good work's eventually forgotten. Instead, she was more remembered for her absences and excuses. All eyes were on her, awaiting for her to commit another mistake. With this kind of working environment, not even i will choose to stay and suffer. She was also a victim of circumstances. She lived in the time where our chairman was yet untamed. Untamed for he'll lash you out with those words you couldnt take. If your motto is not "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me," you'll eventually die bleeding in the battle of words. This was what happened to her. She wasnt able to express her side. She wasnt able to talk things out. She was just too damn afraid to speak out or maybe too wounded to reason out.

I'm not talking that our chairman heard just one side of the story. Independent and open-minded that he is, i know that he didnt not just take stories from the other side and believed them. How can he weigh things out however for the problem with our junior consultant was that she didn't say a word. She didnt explain her side. What made things worse was that she left the department without a word leaving a mark of an ingrate.

Recently i discovered that despite of what happened, she was still grateful to the department, to our chairman and to her training. She will not be the most trusted consultant in the hospital she's currently working in if she's not trained well, this she claims. She also believed that her being was molded by her training in our institution. Like me or anyone of us for this matter, she too has an ambition to subspecialize. The problem however is that she couldnt move on and eventually take a step higher. This thing, for the past three years, still holds her down.

It's so sad why some people really just couldnt talk things out. It would take years to settle old conflicts. It would take years to unload one's resentments. The courage to talk and to express one's self is actually not proportional with age i realized. Not all people have the guts to really say what they feel. The reason why most of us feel unloved, unappreciated and unaccepted is because it's usually hard for us to say "i love you," "thank you," or "im sorry." I just couldnt imagine living such kind of life for i might be given just a few number of years to live. I dont want to waste it by not sharing a part of myself to others.

This Monday, i pray that everything's going to be ok for her. Our chairman initiated the move to talk to her again. This happened just out of the blue. Or maybe, a caring father that he is, he has been thinking about her all along. I believe in his independent mindedness. I also believe in his fairness. I just pray that on our junior consultant's part, she'll be open-minded and remorseful too. I also hope that she could express what she really wanted to say and not wait for another three more years before this century old conflict be settled.

With my fingers crossed, i hope to witness a revival of the story of The Prodigal Son, our Department's version!

Family

For once, let me post something lighter in this blog just so to prove that this isnt just 100% ranting. You see, for the past few days, i couldnt help but look back on the decisions i've made after i passed the board exams. Passing that exam meant another chapter of my life ended and that i was bound to start another one. I couldnt imagine how i asked for signs and divine intervention on which road to take. I was verrrrry toxic when i was an intern that i decided to be an academician instead after the boards. Also, I couldnt take seeing my patients' lives drift away in front of me that i was discouraged to take further training.

My mom, optimistic that she is as ever, encouraged me to train. "What will happen to our health system if all the doctors will be as chicken as you are?" This she kept on asking me. I realized that she has a point there. Noone becomes a good doctor unless he/she trains. If i was afraid and affected by my patient's death, then i should give my best in return. In short, after several signs and after some time of thinking and rethinking, and not to mention that looooooongest month i've spent at home (since i've got nothing to do), i decided to train.

What specialization? My first love was really pediatrics. I love to be with kids. I hate their parents though especially toxic ones. Oh, not to forget their grandmothers - even more toxic than the parents. Imagine the scenario of having one toxic kid getting sick with almost a baranggay of relatives with her coming inside the emergency room. Since i also asked for a sign that i will train in the subject where i will excel in as reflected by my board rating, i took internal medicine instead. Did i mention that eversince, i was a lolo and a lola's girl? In short, i could relate well with the geriatrics too!

So here i am, currently in my 3rd year of training in internal medicine. Looking back, i really didnt have regrets that i pursued this specialization. What hindered me from taking pediatrics too was the fact that i really was not comfortable with the people around me in that Department. I felt no sense of family. Really! Even if people will tell me that their chairman was a mother herself, i didnt feel her being motherly when i was an intern. Other people even discouraged me to take up IM since aside from the fact that the department chairman was the strictest of all chairmen, he was also known for his temper. I witnessed it myself take note, on my first day as an intern in the department. A joke's running in the hospital too that the dreaded consultant in the pediatrics department was teased by their residents for according to them, he was the reason why i didnt pursue pediatrics since i was afraid of him. He on the other hand was wondering why i wasnt afraid of the IM's chairman. The punchline was, because IM's department chairman curse in English and not in the dialect.

Three years have passed and i could say that i still could stand another year here. Yep! Despite my toxicity. Despite those whining and rantings ive been making here. Actually, i was whining more about this crap hospital i am in right? Not about the department where i currently feel so at home. Sob! Am i having a separation anxiety here? Im not having my PMS right now but i just feel so melodramatic.

You see, i am called a resident because basically, i reside in the hospital. Every 3 days, i go on a 24-hour duty. Everyday, even during holidays, i report to the hospital for more than 8 hours. If i dont feel at home in this purple office that we have, then i will always be in a hurry going home. This what makes our department different from others. The camaraderie, the relationship with my colleagues, this i wouldnt trade above anything. The dreaded chairman that most people find to be is i guess the warmest and the most sincere of all. Ive witnessed his temper but i also witnessed the lighter side of him. This made me understand that the reason for him being such is because he just wanted the best from us. We are given the freedom to test our wings yet at the same time, we are guided on how to land. We could express our individualities without fear of unacceptance or scrutiny. We are pushed to our limits yet we are constantly encouraged to move further.

I may have experienced pains especially from that someone ive been ranting about here, yet this isnt enough to discourage me. I believe that there's always a deviant wherever you will go. Her presence is enough to spice up my stay here especially when things become a routine and get boring. Actually, she's a constant challenge to my patience and maturity. Other than this, i found another family outside of my home. With this, i will not wonder why a lot of our interns started to love the most dreaded department in the hospital. I will not even wonder why there will be a number of applicants who will be coming over. Work will only be work if you dont enjoy and love it. In the department where i belong, noone's working. We simply live everyday of our lives and enjoy our journey.

Aaaaaargh! Barf bag! I need a barf bag! Aaaaaack! You see, when im posting such stuffs as this one in here, i get sooooooo sick and uncomfortable! Oh well, let's just say that im selling our department. This is just one way of telling those who read this blog that we are now accepting applicants for residency training...hehehe

The Jungle

Many times have i described my workplace as a jungle in this blog. Wild beasts are all around me. From the administrators to the employees, down to the patients and their relatives, they all were scaring me to death when i was yet a neophyte. No longer now. With the theory on natural selection otherwise known as the "survival of the fittest," i could say that i have finally adapted to this kind of life. I have assimilated myself in their midst, but take note, my principles and values all remained to be intact. I started to find my niche though in this jungle and i am grateful that i have chosen the right one for me from the start.

Always on my autistic mode, i have become observant of the people around me. I tried to study and examine the predators in this jungle. It's like, knowing thy enemies if you wanted to survive. Eventually, in my 4 years of existence in this institution and that includes my internship, i was able to categorize these beasts based on their performance and character. Pardon my choice of words. This blog is meant for ranting and destressing. If some words make you puke or arent easy to swallow, feel free to click on that red x tab at the upper right hand corner of this window.

To continue, here's my list of the jungle creatures in this place im working in.

1. Eri the Elephant

He tops my list. Eversince i was an intern, i just couldnt take his face. Nah! Dont get me wrong, i dont discriminate and judge people by their appearance alone. It's just that he was gifted with a pachyderm face and an equally pachyderm character. Pachyderms are defined as large, thick-skinned mammals, and this is where Eri belongs. If his face and character arent that thick, he would be ashamed to throw stones at other people who are allegedly not performing their duties well when in fact, he would be in the top list if i were to judge him. He would be ashamed to cover up his blunders just so he would appear as Dr. Nice-Guy or Dr. Efficient. He would even be more ashamed to take another position in the administration when in fact he couldnt even perform well in his other duties as of presstime. Lastly, if he were not a pachyderm, he would be ashamed to gain wealth from other people's poverty. I need not elaborate more in this matter for i might give away the clue of who Eri really is. By the way, he's Sunny's sidekick today and Ben's the next day or vice versa. In short, he's got no loyalty other than to himself.

2. Sunny the Snake
Someone who appears very religious but pardon me, in the name of God, i hate his religiosity. I can see him in the church, i can see him in religious affairs but goodness, is he attending these ceremonies for the purpose of earning indulgences? Maybe he's making up for his wrongdoings too, that's why. He's got a sweet tongue too! He could convince people with his arguments and he could convince the higher officials that he's not the snake. Tsk, tsk, who convinced Eve to eat the apple anyway? He'll bite and eat and hibernate when he's full. In short, he'll acquire wealth for himself and will eventually remain deaf and blind with the problems of the hospital. I just hope i'll see him in the streets of China someday and be eventually made into a delicacy so that he could be of use to others. He's Ben's best enemy.

3. Ben the Baboon
If i were to describe a baboon, it's a large, loud monkey. Even encarta describes it as someone who's rude, unintelligent, clumsy or uncultured. This is where Ben fits in. He may have a lot of ideas and plans for this jungle but goodness, he's not thinking first before these ideas come out of his mouth. He's got poverty of words, errr i mean poverty of intelligible words for most of those that come out of his mouth were pardon me, nothing but crap. He may have good intentions but he doesnt know how to put these stuffs into action. He serves as the guardian of the jungle against those predators ive earlier mentioned but he just doesnt know how to find the proper venue to implicate them. Equipped with his long snout, he's fond of babbling to hear himself out. He's Sunny's long-time contender to the throne and his bitter half.

4. Bry the Crocodile
He was at first, Sunny's good friend. They cover up for each other in their corruptions. Im thinking that there was an unequal sharing that happened here causing him to blow the whistle against his old friend. He eventually changed allegiance and joined Ben's side. Together, they hit the one on the throne with their media campaigns thinking that the higher officers will not hear them. They were eventually heard and it was not just Sunny who was relieved from his position but the two of them too. He's got a thicker skin than Eri and harder too. In short, he could perform his evil ways without just shame but without fear too.

There are still a lot of characters in this jungle where i am in but these four top my list so im giving them the limelight here. In my four years of existence in this place, they made my stay colorful and dramatic. Character assassination, mudslinging, verbal arguments, these made our Tuesday conferences exciting. Oh well, Tuesdays are boring now without Sunny and Ben picking on each other. With only Eri left, who always takes the spotlight, I always make sure to keep an anti emetic handy. Most of the time though, it's quite beneficial to attend the conference with an empty stomach.