On Blogging

I am on duty and i am sooooo thankful that finally, after the nth time of calling our ISP's technical support number, we already have an internet connection at this time of the night here in the office. It's been almost a month that we've got no internet connection here after 5:30 in the afternoon until early in the morning at 6am. In short, those emotions that i would want to pour out in this blog during my tour of duty have to wait for the next day when i get home. Definitely not tonight. For i couldn't wait for another day to let this thing out of my system.

Today's just one of my less tolerant days. I really dont know why i seem to be this sensitive and irritable. My hormones are i guess now back to normal after i had my period, in short i'm not suffering from my monthly PMS this time. I'm scared to consider pre-menopausal syndrome but having an early menopause would be one of my differentials. I may be hungry this morning that i had a glucose shortage in my neurons which could explain my irritability. After my brunch however, i was back to an irritable me. Thanks for my talent in acting though. At least i was still smiling in front of my patients. Oh if you could only imagine how hard it is to act happy but irritated for no reason at the same time.

Maybe i just wanted peace and quiet but i had a hard time acquiring it. For you see, ive been wanting to be in my autistic mode since this morning. I dont want to be with people. I get irritated with their presence. I've been wanting to find peace and comfort in this chaotic environment that im currently in but i definitely couldnt. One, i'm on duty so i couldnt just disappear in an instance and leave my post. Second, I never ran away from my responsibilities no matter how unphysiologic i feel and this day is not an exception. I stayed, i endured, i acted, i covered up, not until the last straw was drawn tonight.

Junior, one of my junior residents pulled the last straw. He too was one of my subjects in this blog. Another irresponsibility on his part made me angry at him. Fact is, i am the most patient person left here for him. Unfortunately, he wasn't just in good timing. I reprimanded him for another blunder he has committed AGAIN. In short, twas not the first time and twas no longer an excuse for him to commit it again. Instead of being sorry though, this Junior showed me his bratty side by trying to fight back. Raising his voice and sounding irritable with his answers to my querries, I couldn't help but to show him my bratty side too! I am the chief here and i am his senior. I wouldn't stoop down at his level much so that i believe that i am right. We are talking about people's lives here and i couldn't let this thing pass without him realizing his mistake. Yet our brat here showed me his real self.

The brat in me couldn't help too but to show up. Not to mention the bitch in me who wouldn't care who i'm answering to so long as i'm sure that i am right. I will stand on my ground bullheaded that i am. I showed him who's bigger and stronger here.

With my anger, i felt like crying but i will never show these people here a single tear. Ive been needing a breath of fresh air since this morning that I took a walk in the hospital, made rounds with our patients and drowned what i was feeling in my interactions with them . Been wanting to blog earlier yet our internet connection was down. Didnt talk this out to anyone, not even to a closest friend. This is me, i dont share my crappy feelings with anyone. Dont want others to feel miserable too. In short, the old adage misery begets company never applies to me. Not unless of course you're reading this trash that you now have a share of what i feel.

Burning out. This is my diagnosis. After everything that happened today, i finally realized that i am burning out. At last, life has been fair enough today. For whatever power, our internet connection's back, take note, after about a month. Finally, i was given this opportunity to blog tonight. With this, i have one single reason to smile despite everything. I still am blessed after all! I too couldnt be more thankful than having this thought, that even in the absence of a confidante, there's this thing called Blog.