One Day at a Time

Despite of witnessing deaths happening almost everyday here in the hospital for the past 4 years, i havent gone numbed to it. I still am affected by our patients' deaths. I try to detach for a few minutes as i pronounce a death to the patient's family. Once i turn my back away from them though, i am already fixing an emotional bug within me. Im thinking of the family that the dead has left behind. Much so if it's a young family. With 5 or 6 young kids to feed and the dead is the breadwinner. Im thinking of the pain that the relatives have to deal with.

Death is inevitable. It's a reality actually. It could happen to anyone, at any time and place. What's sad however is that we only realize how real it is once it happens, once we experience it. By this time, it's already too late. We forgot to express what we wanted to say. We've forgot to savor the feeling that we're supposed to experience. We would be too late to realize that death has already taken the only life that we hold on to.

It would be sad to know too that not all of us are open about this topic. How other people find it uncomfortable to talk about it. As if it would be taboo to talk about your own death. I could only relate to a few friends actually. Some are too uncomfortable hearing me talking about my own death. Others would even think that im having some bouts of depression or suicidal ideation. They are mistaken.

For me, it's only when i started to think about my own death that i started to enjoy my life. For the past 29 years, it's just recently that i seem to have fully lived everyday. The idea that everyday may be my last makes me feel unafraid of everything. I would dare do things that i think would make me happy so long as it doesnt affect other people. Like even if it would make me happy pulling the trigger on someone that really pisses me off, i definitely will not do it. It will definitely affect other people. Like making the other gunman unhappy if i cleaned up the job first.hehe

Happiness is subjective so they say. I discovered that one way of experiencing it is to perform each task that you do everyday as if it will be the last time that you'll be doing it. I realized that it changes my perception on things. That there's nothing difficult or hard to do. Thinking too that i might not meet the person im talking with again tomorrow, made me more appreciative of the presence of others. Made me savor my time with them the more. Save of course for some people i wish i didnt encounter. Their presence would make me wish that they'll go ahead of me so that they could stop affecting other people's happy lives.

My acceptance of death may sound morbid for some. This however is the only way that i am also able to embrace life fully. Living my life as if it were my last. Fact is, i already assigned a close friend of mine to comfort my parents in my grave by telling them that im ready for it. It definitely freaked him out.hehe