Monday, May 14, 2007
Went to the chapel where she was laid to pay her a visit. She looked better now compared to the time we first found her dead. She looks like she's only having her precious sleep. Only, she's no longer bound to wake up. Not anymore.
Saw all the flowers and mass cards around her coffin. Talked with her closest relatives. They were all surprised by her untimely demise. She wasnt able to leave a word. She didnt even show some signs that she's leaving. Though she has been ranting about life and on how she wished she was dead to her close friends, those were not taken seriously. In a toxic institution that we are in, talks about death is not uncommon.
Her loss was an opportunity for me to review my plans...my death plans. Yep! Been keeping one. I even have my own last will and testament. I realized though that if i keep my death plans, then most likely my family will not be able to accomplish it. I couldnt rely on my friends' memories too during our morbid talks. They might forget the details. So i've come up with my list and im posting it online. Should my time come, at least i already immortalized it here. tee-hee!
1. If i were to make a wish about the kind of death that i would have, i would also want to die in my sleep. You know, the kind that you only slept the night before and it just happens that you forget to wake up the next day. Must be the reason why i always wear my nice sleeping attire on. I travel with my intimate apparels in pairs too. You can never tell when death will meet you, right? I would surely be embarassed as a spirit looking at my dead body being undressed with ugly undies on! Disgusting!
2. I dont want to die at an old age. You know the kind when you could no longer attend to your needs. I dont want to make other people's lives miserable by taking care of me. Yep! To the point that i need someone to assist me when nature calls? Nah! Not until this time. Sad to say though, only good people die young. The reason i guess why im struggling to be good. I'm starting to keep those tails and to hide those horns. Promise!
3. Should people find me dead or dying, i dont want to be resuscitated. Intubation's a no-no. I cared for these precious whites of mine with my visits to my dentists (note: irregular visits). They arent supposed to be severed because of intubation. And oh, chest compressions? Goodness! I dont want to get hurt anymore. If i may be found dead in my sleep, then let me sleep for eternity. Dont break my bones just so to resuscitate me. I'd rather die with an intact sternum than be alive with a flail chest.
4. I wanted to be cremated. Really! Been talking about this with friends and even to my mom. She doesnt agree with me. The Catholic church dont believe in cremation she said for during the second coming, our soul shall go back to our earthly body. HUwaaaat? My soul going back to my worm-infested, foul-smelling dead body??? Can you imagine the corpse bride? Nuh-oh! I wanted cremation! Actually, mom's point of view has changed now. I guess im already starting to convince her that cremation's already accepted. By the way, about the reason for cremation? 1. I dont want to be seen "dead". What i wanted those people ill be leaving behind to remember is my alive self. Not my funeral parlor made up self. 2. I dont want to lie down inside that cold coffin and wait for the worms and decomposers to consume me when ill be buried 6 feet under. Lastly, i wanted a taste of hell when ill be cremated so that ill appreciate heaven even better.hehe
5. Instead of flowers or mass cards, i wanted cash. Cash for charity. I would like to donate it to the patients of our ward. What can flowers do? They cant even save me should i deserve to be punished. At least, my death would be quite meaningful for ill be extending lives still even when im already at rest. I cant bring those flowers with me. Should the cash be donated to our ward, a lot of lives will surely treasure the help for eternity.
6. No crying. No mourning. Yep! I dont want my parents, my mom especially, to cry. Should they cry, i wanted to see tears of joy. Joy that finally, ill be going home. I wanted to assure them and you reading this, that when that time comes, i am ready and i have embraced death wholeheartedly. In short, be happy for me. I will surely be saddened leaving you guys behind. It's just that i only had an ealier flight. We'll still have our reunion.
7. No sad music please. Call it weird. Let other people comment but i dont want some "Hindi kita malilimutan" rendition. Upbeat music would be preferred. "Staying alive," a better alternative...hehe
8. No tributes for me. This would only serve as a venue for others to cry even harder. Also, I find these tributes corny. Really! It's kinda ironic to pay tribute to someone who's already dead. I believe that should you want to express kind words to anybody, let him/her hear it while she's still alive. The reason why i wanted to live my life each day as if it were my last.
Whew! If i'll continue with my list, i might be able to make my longest post ever. Hmmm, if blogger has a limit, i might even be able to reach it. These basically are the essence of my death plan. If i happen to forget something, feel free to leave a comment to remind me. By the way, dont you worry. I still cant feel it coming. So long as im in this institution, i still havent been good. Only good people die young, right?