The Child Within

I dont know why im feeling this way. I just feel soooooo light and ecstatic. It seems that i also lost one thorn deep within. It really feels different when your prayer is granted. For you see, i just blogged about it this weekend and today, i witnessed what i wished to see. Need not tell the details but all i can say is that nothing's better than an honest and sincere communication.

How i wished i was back to the time when i was a kid. Kids dont keep grudges or resentments. When they would have arguments among their peers, they may punch each other or shout at each other just so to express what they really feel. A few hours or the most a day after, they're back as friends again as if nothing happened.

I wish as an adult i am like them too. What i couldnt understand is that as we grow older, we lose that child within us. Instead of becoming more courageous to express what we really feel, we tend to bottle up our feelings and in a way suffer with it. Must be the reason why there are a lot of us who feel unloved. Why there are a lot of misunderstandings that remained unresolved in time. Why there are a lot of relationships that were never patched up. Must have been our experiences of pain, disappointments and betrayals as we grow older that make us less expressive of what we really feel.

It's quite sad to know that it would take years for some to settle their differences or conflicts. I'm just so happy though that today, i've witnessed two mature individuals who set the child within them free. I wasnt seeing two adults talking rather two kids who were making peace with each other. Fact is, it only took them less than an hour to settle years of misunderstandings.

I always make it a point to listen to this child within me. She cries and she complains, everytime i carry something deep within that i couldnt express. Resentments, anger, grudges, they consume her. This is the reason i guess why most people i know find me confrontational or gutsy when it comes to these stuffs. I dont want her to carry that load. I dont want her to grow old and mature and eventually lose her zest for life. I dont want her to live on resentments and eventually realize that ive wasted so many years letting her live in such mess. I dont want her to lose her optimism and idealism. Life's always been unfair and without these, she might not be able to see its beauty. Life's really so damn short to live it in misery. Why will i spend most of it in pain or in suffering when i have a choice to live otherwise?


Sheesh! What am i talking about here? It's either i'm having a regression or i'm dying. Hmmm either way, i know i'll be dying in peace.hehe

On Gratitude

I was brought up in a home where charity and gratitude matter. I was taught to share my blessings and at the same time, taught to look back on the people who have been instrumental to my growth as a person. Whether that person has been good or bad to me, in a way, his/her presence in my life has contributed much to my maturity. I will forever be grateful to them. Yep! No matter what pain i have experienced with them in the past.

Fact is, I dont live on resentments and i will definitely have no time for vengeance. If other people have done me more harm than good, then there's noone to be blamed but myself alone for allowing it to happen. In short, i just have to live with the idea that there are naturally bad people and these bad people were created for a purpose too. It all depends on how i'll let them affect my life. Everything lies on how i would let them mold my character.

Recently, i received a call from a junior consultant who happens to be a former senior resident of our department. I felt all her pain and resentments to our department and to my former seniors too who happen to be her juniors. When i was an intern, i already witnessed this conflict between her and her fellow residents. Ive seen both sides of the coin. Ive kept mum though and kept my opinion to myself knowing that i would be in no position to intervene. After more than three years, i was called to be involved. Receiving that call, hearing her side of story and emphatizing with what she felt, i feel that there's a need for me to eventually say something.

She resented the fact that her juniors where ungrateful for what she had done for them. They were talking behind her back, were talking bad about her, and did not talk things out with her. I am not taking sides here. Both parties are close to me for in a way, they both contributed to where i am in right now. What i just cant take is the fact that why on earth can other people be so ungrateful? This junior consultant might have lapses or deficiencies but these are not enough reasons for her junior to talk bad about her especially to our chairman. Fact is, not because you can already stand on your own feet or fly on your own wings, you'll eventually forget what someone has done for you when you were a fledgeling. She was way ahead of them and for sure, she has trained them too when they were just starting. This i guess would be enough for her juniors to pay her a little respect too even if they forgot how to be grateful.

Noone's perfect shall we say. I for one have a lot of resentments too to my seniors. These arent enough though for me to forget all the help that they have extended to me when i was just starting. As previously mentioned, i dont carry these resentments with me. I have enough responsibilities to carry on my shoulder. To degrade someone though or to assassinate her character for whatever benefit is quite unreasonable. If this junior consultant had been selfish, much that i felt that my seniors have no right to be ungrateful to her for they themselves didnt differ much from her honestly speaking. Hearing the extent of the damage that they have done to her life is not even enough reason for me to lose my respect on them.

There's a truth really to the old adage that one mistake is enough for other people to forget all the goodness that you've done. Her good work's eventually forgotten. Instead, she was more remembered for her absences and excuses. All eyes were on her, awaiting for her to commit another mistake. With this kind of working environment, not even i will choose to stay and suffer. She was also a victim of circumstances. She lived in the time where our chairman was yet untamed. Untamed for he'll lash you out with those words you couldnt take. If your motto is not "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me," you'll eventually die bleeding in the battle of words. This was what happened to her. She wasnt able to express her side. She wasnt able to talk things out. She was just too damn afraid to speak out or maybe too wounded to reason out.

I'm not talking that our chairman heard just one side of the story. Independent and open-minded that he is, i know that he didnt not just take stories from the other side and believed them. How can he weigh things out however for the problem with our junior consultant was that she didn't say a word. She didnt explain her side. What made things worse was that she left the department without a word leaving a mark of an ingrate.

Recently i discovered that despite of what happened, she was still grateful to the department, to our chairman and to her training. She will not be the most trusted consultant in the hospital she's currently working in if she's not trained well, this she claims. She also believed that her being was molded by her training in our institution. Like me or anyone of us for this matter, she too has an ambition to subspecialize. The problem however is that she couldnt move on and eventually take a step higher. This thing, for the past three years, still holds her down.

It's so sad why some people really just couldnt talk things out. It would take years to settle old conflicts. It would take years to unload one's resentments. The courage to talk and to express one's self is actually not proportional with age i realized. Not all people have the guts to really say what they feel. The reason why most of us feel unloved, unappreciated and unaccepted is because it's usually hard for us to say "i love you," "thank you," or "im sorry." I just couldnt imagine living such kind of life for i might be given just a few number of years to live. I dont want to waste it by not sharing a part of myself to others.

This Monday, i pray that everything's going to be ok for her. Our chairman initiated the move to talk to her again. This happened just out of the blue. Or maybe, a caring father that he is, he has been thinking about her all along. I believe in his independent mindedness. I also believe in his fairness. I just pray that on our junior consultant's part, she'll be open-minded and remorseful too. I also hope that she could express what she really wanted to say and not wait for another three more years before this century old conflict be settled.

With my fingers crossed, i hope to witness a revival of the story of The Prodigal Son, our Department's version!

Family

For once, let me post something lighter in this blog just so to prove that this isnt just 100% ranting. You see, for the past few days, i couldnt help but look back on the decisions i've made after i passed the board exams. Passing that exam meant another chapter of my life ended and that i was bound to start another one. I couldnt imagine how i asked for signs and divine intervention on which road to take. I was verrrrry toxic when i was an intern that i decided to be an academician instead after the boards. Also, I couldnt take seeing my patients' lives drift away in front of me that i was discouraged to take further training.

My mom, optimistic that she is as ever, encouraged me to train. "What will happen to our health system if all the doctors will be as chicken as you are?" This she kept on asking me. I realized that she has a point there. Noone becomes a good doctor unless he/she trains. If i was afraid and affected by my patient's death, then i should give my best in return. In short, after several signs and after some time of thinking and rethinking, and not to mention that looooooongest month i've spent at home (since i've got nothing to do), i decided to train.

What specialization? My first love was really pediatrics. I love to be with kids. I hate their parents though especially toxic ones. Oh, not to forget their grandmothers - even more toxic than the parents. Imagine the scenario of having one toxic kid getting sick with almost a baranggay of relatives with her coming inside the emergency room. Since i also asked for a sign that i will train in the subject where i will excel in as reflected by my board rating, i took internal medicine instead. Did i mention that eversince, i was a lolo and a lola's girl? In short, i could relate well with the geriatrics too!

So here i am, currently in my 3rd year of training in internal medicine. Looking back, i really didnt have regrets that i pursued this specialization. What hindered me from taking pediatrics too was the fact that i really was not comfortable with the people around me in that Department. I felt no sense of family. Really! Even if people will tell me that their chairman was a mother herself, i didnt feel her being motherly when i was an intern. Other people even discouraged me to take up IM since aside from the fact that the department chairman was the strictest of all chairmen, he was also known for his temper. I witnessed it myself take note, on my first day as an intern in the department. A joke's running in the hospital too that the dreaded consultant in the pediatrics department was teased by their residents for according to them, he was the reason why i didnt pursue pediatrics since i was afraid of him. He on the other hand was wondering why i wasnt afraid of the IM's chairman. The punchline was, because IM's department chairman curse in English and not in the dialect.

Three years have passed and i could say that i still could stand another year here. Yep! Despite my toxicity. Despite those whining and rantings ive been making here. Actually, i was whining more about this crap hospital i am in right? Not about the department where i currently feel so at home. Sob! Am i having a separation anxiety here? Im not having my PMS right now but i just feel so melodramatic.

You see, i am called a resident because basically, i reside in the hospital. Every 3 days, i go on a 24-hour duty. Everyday, even during holidays, i report to the hospital for more than 8 hours. If i dont feel at home in this purple office that we have, then i will always be in a hurry going home. This what makes our department different from others. The camaraderie, the relationship with my colleagues, this i wouldnt trade above anything. The dreaded chairman that most people find to be is i guess the warmest and the most sincere of all. Ive witnessed his temper but i also witnessed the lighter side of him. This made me understand that the reason for him being such is because he just wanted the best from us. We are given the freedom to test our wings yet at the same time, we are guided on how to land. We could express our individualities without fear of unacceptance or scrutiny. We are pushed to our limits yet we are constantly encouraged to move further.

I may have experienced pains especially from that someone ive been ranting about here, yet this isnt enough to discourage me. I believe that there's always a deviant wherever you will go. Her presence is enough to spice up my stay here especially when things become a routine and get boring. Actually, she's a constant challenge to my patience and maturity. Other than this, i found another family outside of my home. With this, i will not wonder why a lot of our interns started to love the most dreaded department in the hospital. I will not even wonder why there will be a number of applicants who will be coming over. Work will only be work if you dont enjoy and love it. In the department where i belong, noone's working. We simply live everyday of our lives and enjoy our journey.

Aaaaaargh! Barf bag! I need a barf bag! Aaaaaack! You see, when im posting such stuffs as this one in here, i get sooooooo sick and uncomfortable! Oh well, let's just say that im selling our department. This is just one way of telling those who read this blog that we are now accepting applicants for residency training...hehehe

The Jungle

Many times have i described my workplace as a jungle in this blog. Wild beasts are all around me. From the administrators to the employees, down to the patients and their relatives, they all were scaring me to death when i was yet a neophyte. No longer now. With the theory on natural selection otherwise known as the "survival of the fittest," i could say that i have finally adapted to this kind of life. I have assimilated myself in their midst, but take note, my principles and values all remained to be intact. I started to find my niche though in this jungle and i am grateful that i have chosen the right one for me from the start.

Always on my autistic mode, i have become observant of the people around me. I tried to study and examine the predators in this jungle. It's like, knowing thy enemies if you wanted to survive. Eventually, in my 4 years of existence in this institution and that includes my internship, i was able to categorize these beasts based on their performance and character. Pardon my choice of words. This blog is meant for ranting and destressing. If some words make you puke or arent easy to swallow, feel free to click on that red x tab at the upper right hand corner of this window.

To continue, here's my list of the jungle creatures in this place im working in.

1. Eri the Elephant

He tops my list. Eversince i was an intern, i just couldnt take his face. Nah! Dont get me wrong, i dont discriminate and judge people by their appearance alone. It's just that he was gifted with a pachyderm face and an equally pachyderm character. Pachyderms are defined as large, thick-skinned mammals, and this is where Eri belongs. If his face and character arent that thick, he would be ashamed to throw stones at other people who are allegedly not performing their duties well when in fact, he would be in the top list if i were to judge him. He would be ashamed to cover up his blunders just so he would appear as Dr. Nice-Guy or Dr. Efficient. He would even be more ashamed to take another position in the administration when in fact he couldnt even perform well in his other duties as of presstime. Lastly, if he were not a pachyderm, he would be ashamed to gain wealth from other people's poverty. I need not elaborate more in this matter for i might give away the clue of who Eri really is. By the way, he's Sunny's sidekick today and Ben's the next day or vice versa. In short, he's got no loyalty other than to himself.

2. Sunny the Snake
Someone who appears very religious but pardon me, in the name of God, i hate his religiosity. I can see him in the church, i can see him in religious affairs but goodness, is he attending these ceremonies for the purpose of earning indulgences? Maybe he's making up for his wrongdoings too, that's why. He's got a sweet tongue too! He could convince people with his arguments and he could convince the higher officials that he's not the snake. Tsk, tsk, who convinced Eve to eat the apple anyway? He'll bite and eat and hibernate when he's full. In short, he'll acquire wealth for himself and will eventually remain deaf and blind with the problems of the hospital. I just hope i'll see him in the streets of China someday and be eventually made into a delicacy so that he could be of use to others. He's Ben's best enemy.

3. Ben the Baboon
If i were to describe a baboon, it's a large, loud monkey. Even encarta describes it as someone who's rude, unintelligent, clumsy or uncultured. This is where Ben fits in. He may have a lot of ideas and plans for this jungle but goodness, he's not thinking first before these ideas come out of his mouth. He's got poverty of words, errr i mean poverty of intelligible words for most of those that come out of his mouth were pardon me, nothing but crap. He may have good intentions but he doesnt know how to put these stuffs into action. He serves as the guardian of the jungle against those predators ive earlier mentioned but he just doesnt know how to find the proper venue to implicate them. Equipped with his long snout, he's fond of babbling to hear himself out. He's Sunny's long-time contender to the throne and his bitter half.

4. Bry the Crocodile
He was at first, Sunny's good friend. They cover up for each other in their corruptions. Im thinking that there was an unequal sharing that happened here causing him to blow the whistle against his old friend. He eventually changed allegiance and joined Ben's side. Together, they hit the one on the throne with their media campaigns thinking that the higher officers will not hear them. They were eventually heard and it was not just Sunny who was relieved from his position but the two of them too. He's got a thicker skin than Eri and harder too. In short, he could perform his evil ways without just shame but without fear too.

There are still a lot of characters in this jungle where i am in but these four top my list so im giving them the limelight here. In my four years of existence in this place, they made my stay colorful and dramatic. Character assassination, mudslinging, verbal arguments, these made our Tuesday conferences exciting. Oh well, Tuesdays are boring now without Sunny and Ben picking on each other. With only Eri left, who always takes the spotlight, I always make sure to keep an anti emetic handy. Most of the time though, it's quite beneficial to attend the conference with an empty stomach.

The Prayer

The results were out and im sharing with the happiness that my "adopted kids" are currently experiencing. I once relived the time when i heard that i passed the exam myself. I could feel how blessed one can be after receiving an answered prayer. Hmmm as for my case, i had a different prayer back then. I prayed that if God will not be able to answer my prayer, then He should answer my parents' prayers instead. See, i was not praying for myself. I was praying for other people, in that case, my parents. In my mind, God must be telling me how wise i was. I might have waived my request for myself but goodness my parents were surely praying for me too! One other thing, I believe that my parents are closer to Him than I am so i was thinking that maybe their prayers are heard stronger than mine. In the end i realized that i was the one who's stronger. My prayers were all granted...my prayer for myself and for my parents.hehe

To our new doctors, congratulations! If you have prayed fervently to pass the boards, pray more fervently to survive the real world. It's really very different out here. It feels like being in a jungle with all the wild animals just waiting to devour you whole. I'm not giving out a threat, am i? What im just trying to say is that, we must never stop praying. Yep! even if we have already reached our childhood dream. I'm not doing a homily here too. It's just that i believe how important prayer is in our lives just like the air that we breath. You need not go to church to say it. You need not even those pamphlets or novena booklets and rosaries either. I hate phony people and modern times Pharisees. People who appears religious and spiritual yet acts the contrary. All we need is just an open line with the One in Power.

For me, a simple "Hi!" to Him is already a prayer. I'm not having hallucinations but i could hear Him speak to me when i start greeting Him. Most of the time He tells me,"Be patient to them the way that I am to you." Oh well, maybe when i get pissed off by those people around me that sometimes i wanted to cast the Cruciatus curse at them. At times, i could hear Him say,"I expect a lot from you for you are more blessed." Hmmm, when i feel that work and responsibilities are too much that i wanted just to evaporate and disappear in an instance. He also never fails to remind me,"You are loved." This i always wanted to hear most especially when i am obliged to face difficult people and i am forced to love the unlovable. Epppp! You cant blame me! There are a lot of unlovable creatures around and they live and are happy as such. Maybe, just maybe, they were created to remind me how special i am.

Note to self:
Aaaargh! I hate it when you're posting this kind of stuff. It makes me puke and hide under my skin. Everytime you're doing this, i know that you're running out of your power supply. Oh well, good thing you're self-generating!

Waiting

Not so long ago, i was also in anticipation of the board exam result. Unlike the other professional board exams, ours is usually out after about 2 or 3 days from the last exam date. Thus, it saves us from the looooong wait in agony. I really couldnt describe what i was feeling during that waiting period. A lot of those ahead of me were telling me that this would be the most agonizing time during the board exam. The result would determine your future and this would really matter much. Good thing i was inside that dark deep hole during that time. I was totally numbed saving me from feeling fear and from experiencing agony.

Tonight, together with the people i know, i'm in joyful waiting of the results. A lot of our interns took the exam and im too excited to see their names. Soon, these slugs, roaches, mops and what-have-you's as named by our chairman, will be included in the line of hippocrates. The result shall determine those who are strong of heart and spirit after having been through the hardships of internship. The result shall recognize those who stood through the storm. Though this shall never identify who will become good clinicians in their respective fields, i believe that these interns of ours are well-equipped with compassion...the main ingredient in the making of a physician. I should know for they couldnt have survived their rotation in our department if they aint have even an ounce of it. wink! wink!



Note to self:
Goodness! It seems that you're more nervous and excited now than while waiting for your own board exam result. In a way, you were involved in their training and you also feel responsible for the outcome of the boards. Also, you have to realize that it's different being a "mom" now. You have adopted interns and just like them, keep on praying that they shall all pass.

The Commitment-Phobe

Found this link from a friend's site. Since im waiting for precious sleep to visit me, tried to answer the questions and the statement below came up after it analyzed my answers. I was thinking that maybe, i could post this as the 3rd part of my "Get-a-life" issue. So here's the answer to the question: Why am I still single?

Definitely speaks a lot about me.

---------------

Once the blush of first love wears off with your partners, do you get a little antsy? You probably crave excitement in all realms of your life, and you need a relationship to keep you filled with possibilities. Let us guess: Someone has probably told you that you haven't quite grown up yet, that you're still holding out for the perfect "whatevers" (job, car, home, date) in your life to come a knockin'. Or perhaps you're just having a difficult time accepting that your comfortable little place in this world is always growing, always evolving — and that means you have to be willing to accept big life changes, too. Not that there's anything wrong with that. After all, you're probably a lot of fun to be around and may be the life of the party.

But when it comes to settling down, you leave without looking back twice. Now's the time to ask yourself: Why? What's holding you back? Maybe you don't want someone to get to know you fully? Perhaps by saying "yes" to someone, you're afraid you'll lose yourself, or the possibility of something better coming along. Just remember that the best relationships are those that never stop growing. That's something you can identify with, right? So keep that in mind next time you find someone you're really comfortable with. You never know, it may prove even more exciting once you really get to know each other, teensy flaws and all.

To summarize things up, I had this as an answer...
you're single because you don't want to commit!

Hmmm, nothing sounds better than this. Too correct to be true...hehe

To the Limit

Sometimes, there are people who will really push you to your limit. When i say limit, im referring to my patience and tolerance level. I've developed a very loooooooong patience through the years but granting that i'm having my pms right now, this patience shortens. My tolerance gauge also goes down to dangerous levels. In times likes this, i know, i know, i just have to blog it!

There you go! This trash bin of mine is once again another trash richer! Here i am, a trash poorer - but feeling better.

On the Right Track

Blogged about how other people picked on my single-blessedness status a few days ago. I was never affected by it actually. I was just amused at other people's reaction knowing that i, at 29, is still single and unattached. I was also surprised on why having a lovelife would weigh heavier than having a career. Tsk tsk! With this kind of perception that most people have, i would never wonder why a lot of kids grow hungry and uneducated. They can't be fed or sent to school by their parents' love for each other. My principle is, Love can make you happy alright but it can never relieve hunger pangs.

I am never cynical about love or having a relationship. It's just that everything has its own right time. I believe that you dont hurry love. You have to plan it like planning your own career. I realized that, despite other people's comments on my present status, i am on the right track. I prioritized my "career move" eversince and i never regret it. This was even more strengthened when i had an opportunity to talk with an old friend, now my junior intern, this afternoon.

This post is not intended to pick on her current, miserable life. I am just thankful that at least, i was guided by the Great Architect's hands as to the path that i would choose to tread. I was given the wisdom as to the decisions that i was going to take. For you see, we were classmates in premed days. As a matter of fact, we belonged to the same peer group. Peer groups in college dont usually last long though for this is already the time when you have developed your own character and principle. We actually clicked. We had almost the same outlooks and views in life. We both wanted to pursue our medical education. We both prioritized our own families. I wouldnt be in her company if we didnt have the same principles back then.

We lost touch when we were in medical school. I dont know what happened to her then. After both of us were away from our different families, her principles weakened. I just heard that she had a boyfriend while in medical school and that she was financially supporting her own boyfriend who was younger than she was. Was it because she felt panicky after realizing that her body clock's ticking and that she's getting older without a boyfriend? She failed several times in medical school maybe because of her divided time. Her parents didnt even know about the relationship. Goodness! I really cant understand why you have to make that extent of sacrifice in return of having a relationship!

To make the long story short, she got pregnant, uhmmmm, to make it more complicated, not from his boyfriend but from her 2nd boyfriend who eventually left her and her baby without a trace. She's still in medical school, and was bound to be expelled from their house by her own mom. Her parents are filing for a legal separation for they are divided as to their stand on how to deal with her. I was talking to a different lady this afternoon. I could no longer find the strength that she possessed a few years ago. She was in tears, with a spirit that's almost crushed. I was talking to her not as her senior, i was once again a friend. I was so sorry for what she's currently experiencing. I was speechless and at a loss for words. I couldnt think of the right words to say to comfort her. I carefully picked all the words of encouragement and comfort that ive delivered. In the first place, i was critical of her choices in life that i just couldnt judge her for what she's going through right now.

In the end, i simply asked her. "Did you regret everything that happened?" She answered with a nod. She felt guilty for her family's condition. She felt sorry for her siblings and for her parents. The thing that struck me the most though was when she told me that she felt things to be okay when she sees her baby.

Life is really just a matter of priorities. It doesnt mean that the thing that makes one happy would give happiness to another. It doesnt mean too that what one is lacking off would make the other person long for it. I could only tell if im on the right track when i feel happy and i feel right. I learned this from her. She might have experienced that bad fall but she learned to rise from it. Everything might have screwed up but there's this tiny living creature that made it all right.

Keep Away

Heightened sensitivity, labile emotions, tolerance gauge giving out a warning signal that it's nearing to drain, food cravings (eats anything in front of me) to the point that i dont get full, a feeling that my clothes shrunk (or must be me who feels bloated), and sonic nose that's now very sensitive to fume most especially to noxious ones. All these point to just one thing. I'm PREGNANT!

Huwaaaat? How in the world could i think about this possibility? Alright! Blame my hormones for this! Im not pregnant! Hello???!!! I dont have plans to reenact the life of the Virgin. Ok, all these symptoms tell me of one thing. Im having my PMS....Premenstrual syndrome. Nah! Definitely not the pre menaupausal syndrome...ooops goodness and i cant even spell it right? Pre menopausal syndrome. There you go! Tsk! Tsk! My hormones have gone awry!

I cant help but pray (yep! I prayed for this PMS thing!) for all of these to end! I dont like myself when i feel this way. This happens for a whole damn week each month with its peak a day before my monthly visitor comes. I could be very violent and intolerant during these times. Fact however is that i could recognize it. Been dealing with this for 16 years alright, how can i not become an expert on this?

You see, just yesterday, i was talking with an employee's wife. She was the most difficult person to deal with for she refused to listen to explanations. Anyhow, the gist of the argument was that she wanted us (my co-residents and i) to sign her husband's medical certificate. Noone would for in the period she specified, not one of us has seen him. She insisted. We continued to resist and decline to the point that i have to tell her straight to the face that i wont be risking the license. that ive worked my ass off for 10 years, for the medical certificate she was asking for. That ill be eating her whole if she continues to insist. Well, twas 11:30 in the morning, i was from duty, havent had nothing per orem yet and have been running around the hospital filling up the damn senior house officer report that we were obliged to do. All these plus my PMS could really lead to nothing but an irritable me.

Actually, my sanity has kept my humor intact. I was doing these things with humor. If i was so serious about what i was telling her, then maybe she could have gone hysterical and we ended up in a bad note. I even tried applying the Patronus charm on her...you know to drive away dementors? It didnt work though. Been shouting "Patronus!" several times waving my pen towards her yet she didnt go away. I guess the spell went back to me for it was i who felt better after having a good laugh with what ive done. She didnt understand it definitely. My junior consultant who happens to be an HP fan too, tried to cast the cruciatos curse on her. "Cruciatus!" It didnt work too. Eventually by whatever force, she decided to leave or maybe after she realized that noone really was charmed by her to sign in her medical certificate.

This is me! Pre menstrually. I always try to be in my "autistic mode" when i feel those symptoms ive previously mentioned. If i feel that i could do harm to another living thing, i try to hide inside my cave and deal with myself. This is the reason why im withdrawn and aloof for a week. I couldnt tell everyone to keep away from me. This would be very taxing. For convenience, maybe i could just wear a shirt or place a tag on myself saying: "Keep away! PMS ongoing!"


Post script:

After telling my story to my HP fanatic sisters, they almost rolled down laughing! Goodness! How can i drive that dementor away when i said the wrong spell? Patronus is a "noun"...it's the name of the charm actually. The incantation would be "Expecto patronum! Sheesh! I should have known! I should have known! As for Cruciatus? It's a noun too. The incantation would be, "Crucio!" The next time around, im confident that i could drive away dementors!