The PRAYING Therapy

Heard mass this afternoon before i went home. Things have been quite toxic these past few days (obvious with my past post) that i feel the need for peace and quiet. As a routine, whenever im early for the 5:30 mass, i drop by the adoration chapel to pay "Him" a visit. The experiece i had with "Him" was quite different this afternoon compared with my previous visits. We talked, i listened more now. Not the usual talks we had that i almost do the talking. I whined, complained, asked, begged, wished, i dominated the conversations before most of the time. Maybe i was just too saturated with work, too tired of life's challenges, too confident with myself that i could do things on my own now. This afternoon was different. I remained silent and listened to Him.


There's a different calmness now within. This week's been too cruel for me. Physically and emotionally, i was really challenged. Just as how toxic and chaotic my previous duties were, so as stormy my heart was. There's this pressure within me that just wanted to blow up. Work's really killing me slowly. Life became a constant struggle everyday as it became a routine for me. I seemed to have lost focus on what i can do, what i could offer, and what i was bound to do.

Witnessing a dying patient's family this morning however calmed the storm within. Maybe it's "His" way again to talk to me. I have been keeping deaf ears on "Him" lately. Though im used to seeing grieving families of the dying patient, i didnt realize that i still am vulnerable to feel their pains.

She was just in her early 20's. On her first pregnancy her baby died in her womb. It took several days before this was found out. She just had her labor pains, at the same time jaundiced and febrile - signs of sepsis coming from within, and delivered to a lifeless baby. The baby could have been in the state of decomposition and the toxins produced in this process were slowly pulling her to grave.

Her family, just like majority of our patients belonged to the marginalized. The kind who lives in the present for tomorrow's never assured because of poverty. She needed antibiotics - strong and yes, expensive ones. If they could barely buy their own food to fill their stomachs, what more the medications she needed. Her mother was all tears begging me to help them. I was helpless for I could only offer my knowledge in treating their patient so i thought. I asked them to ask assistance from the social welfare. She came back disappointed. "Doc, anong himuon ko? Indi ko kabalo kung maano na lang ko. Wala na gid kami kwarta." (What will i do, doc? I dont know what im going to do. We really have no money doc.)

I was silenced. Her concerns hit me. Here i am, complaining about my work, my meager salary, inhuman working conditions, yet here's this mother with a dying daughter, penniless, more helpless than i am in the "storm" she's currently experiencing. My senior accompanied her to the office of the social welfare. She was finally given medications they needed for at least three days.

I feel for her. Why was she denied of help on her first visit with the social welfare? How many of them live in this kind of situation in our country? Uneducated, penniless, helpless, confused, unfairly treated? How many of them die in our hospital because they dont have money to buy medications? The experience calmed my storm within. THEY were the reasons in the first place why i am here in this institution, in this profession. I am here to help, to SAVE LIVES...no matter what.

The experience brought me back to the road i was before taking. I was lost. I lost hope in the crap government and health system we have. Lost confidence in myself that i could do much to a number of people needing my services. Almost lost my faith in "Him" for allowing these things to happen to them.

My experience this morning helped me find my purpose again. Yep! I was reminded why i am here. I was reminded of the part that i have to play in this drama of life. I am not just a mere supporting character. I've got a big role to play when i assumed the profession of being a physician. I was reminded how blessed and loved i am. These are enough to calm the storm within. These are enough to silence me. In my visit with "Him" this afternoon, all i could utter was my sincere "Thank you." We shifted roles. He talked, i listened. I didnt know that listening to "Him" was more comforting than ranting, complaining and whining and yep! SWEARING. Swearing (even in the confines of my gray matter alone) devoids me of energy, further stirs the storm within and keeps me at a loss.

Now i discovered another therapy to help me survive life. It's as simple as 1-2-3. As simple as sitting still, keeping quiet, and listening to the voice within. This is what i call as my PRAYING therapy. Goodness, after a long time i once again made a "real" prayer.

The SWEAR Therapy

Heck! I'm into this "too-tired-to-rest mode" again! You see, accreditation's over! After several days of preparation, a day-before panic, and the d-day toxicity, i really can't help but S-W-E-A-R just to unload all these pressures, tiredness, and sentiments.

I really see to it not to swear in public. Not proper for a lady as mom would have it. Lady? Me? Nuh-uh! If i dont do it consciously, it doesnt mean though that im not doing it UNconsciously. This is just the right time to let those, BU&*%$#@! *bleep* fu#8%*#$ *bleep* crap! darn! damn! *bleep* complete with "lightning" and everything, OUT! For today's just the best example of a "mapapaMURA ka sa katoxican" duty.

I am TOOOOO tired. Tooooo tired that the only parts of my body that are basically active right now are my fingertips and brain. I have to literally drag myself to the bathroom to take a bath. Fact is, i didnt want to take a bath for i just wanted to rest my body and take some sleep. Knowing however that the only places in the hospital i didnt made rounds with tonight are the PEDIA WARD and the MORGUE, made me think that i harbored more than 100 trillion of microbes that i could literally call myself a walking "microbe" if i dont take a bath. My body just wanted to rest and sleep but my brain kept on telling me to blog...blog...blog...now this post explains itself and my being awake still, explains how stubborn this brain of mine really is.

Blame it all to caffeine! Had several doses of it today, from coffee to iced tea to cola, just so to keep myself awake and active. Obviously, i didnt have enough sleep since the other night. Have to wake up very early today, about 2 hours before my usual waking time! Which explains my cranky and grumpy mood. Enumerating all the events that provoked me to *bleep* and *bleep*...

1. I slept early last night. Yep! Early in the MORNING! I was writing overtime the entries into my patient's logbook. The logbook's needed for the accreditation...as what they've said. I know, i know. Should have done this earlier like months or weeks before maybe. I did! Errr,our househelp did i mean. I asked her to copy all my patient's census into the logbook and boy, when i checked them...obviously, what can i expect? I get a PNEUMOTHOROY instead of pneumothoRAX, SEIZY instead of seizURE, ACUTE GANTITIS instead of acute gaSTRITIS for the diagnoses. Instead of correcting the errors, i rewrote everything! Catch is, after finishing the logbooks, the accreditors didnt even lay a single finger over it. What the *bleep*!

2. When the accreditors came to the ER, i only had 3 patients lying on a "covered" bed. Meaning our beds at the ER had linens...too white linens...too obvious that they were used first time! The accreditors stayed at the ER for just 10 minutes or so, just a few inspections and questions and they're gone. When they left though, a baranggay of patients came complete with a patient who needed to be intubated. I was left ALONE in the battlefield, admitting loads of patients therafter. Then came ward referrals. All wards from OB, Ortho to Surgery and ENT were referring to me for co-management. An example of "WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS!" Before, i wished that i could make a clone of myself in as easy as 1-2-3. Today, i just wish that i could make myself invisible instead of having a clone.

3. At long last i was able to take my lunch at 1pm. I mean supposed to be lunch. Had several spoonfuls when i received another referral from the emergency room. In short, wasnt able to finish my lunch. Continuation was at 5 in the afternoon when i have to contend myself with whatever food that was available. Was supposed to have dinner at 12pm. Supposed for i didnt eat my dinner. I'm not into stewed fish and crabs and our helper knows this. Why the hell did she send me such menu? *bleep*! Alright, for dinner, i had a banana and jackfruit instead. If they were only made into a banana-langka pie, should have been better. This is a perfect example of losing weight...and gaining peptic ulcers!

4. Was able to finish answering interdepartmental referrals before 12. I now have a time to finally give myself some sleep - a power nap while on duty. Ironic though but im still in front of this tube posting this blog. Havent yawned a single moment. Too tired but never sleepy. I was looking for rest but now that i am given the time, i seem not to need it anymore. Heck! *bleep*!

Now that i've *bleeped*! too much, i'm starting to feel sleepy now. This is me! An ENERGY-CONSERVIST. Meaning, I'm not used to getting angry and i dont express my anger verbally - i keep quiet and deal with it most of the time. For when i get angry, express it verbally and in this case swear too much (of course, in the confines of my gray matter), I LOSE ALL MY ENERGY. This is what this blog is for - to let me lose all this energy in order for me to finally sleep. When i'm in this "too-tired-to-rest mode", this is my therapy and this is what i call, the SWEAR THERAPY!




"googling" the pic i wanted...i came into this ON-LINE HEAVEN RESOURCE.=)

Another PMS Attack

I dont know if i should feel guilty for feeling this. It has been quite some time that i could feel that im wearing a mask in front of my patients. For my patients, i am doctor nice. Someone who's kind and approachable. I never raised a voice on anyone and was never bitchy towards them. No matter in what state i am in, state of self-induced depression or pre-menstrual syndrome, i am always at my maximum tolerance when i am on duty or when i am in front of my patients.

Just got home from my daily hospital rounds. Honestly, i was having a hard time from getting out of bed this morning. Not just this morning actually but every morning to be exact. Should i get out of bed, fix myself and report to the hospital, pictures of the sick and dying would once again welcome me. Im sick and tired of meeting them everyday of my life. When im at home, i would wish that i am not a doctor. I dont wish to see a patient and i dont want to hear consultations. I just want to shut my ears and my eyes from life's realities that all my life, i'm doomed to seeing the sick, the dying and the dead.

Yep! I am hiding behind a mask. Amazing though how i could act to be the Doctor Nice that most people think of me when truth is, i seem not to be loving what i am doing at all. Amazing how i could survive one duty to another. All i know is that when i am a civilian, that is, im outside of the hospital and pretending to be not a doctor, i hate to see patients and i dread to be in the hospital. When im in the work-mode though, i feel that i love everything that i am doing. Ironic but the same people who makes me sick and tired and burnt out, my patients to be more specific, are also the ones who inspire me and keep me going.

Geez! This is pure toxicity superimposed with my monthly pms. In times like this, i just wish that im invisible and im exposed not to a single human being. Thinking of happy thoughts, i could see myself in an isolated island, all alone by myself, no cellphone, no internet access, relaxing on a hammock, watching the sun set and enjoying a refreshing drink. Ahhhh life! I just cant wait for summer to come.

No Regrets

Shucks! I'm pressing my panic button on. Have to wake up this early (3:30 am for the record) just so i would be able to finish my report for this Thursday. I'm quite wasted yesterday for aside from being from duty, went home late from dining out. Geez, i never realized how populated Bacolod already is not until i witnessed traffic in Lacson Street at 8 pm (the street's quite deserted already on ordinary nights), and oh not to mention having a difficulty looking for a restaurant and a parking in the restaurant we finally dined in. Everyone in town might have celebrated yesterday and so was i.=P

I never realized how things would turn out earlier than expected. Twas just last Sunday when i wanted my old heart back and the Big Guy upstairs granted such request faster than the speed of my internet connection. I realized that i still have that old heart of mine. Fact is, i just forgot to clean up some trash that kept filing up that my heart was drowned in it. Have to dive in there and look for that scarred heart i have been wanting all along. Phew! After some soul searching, i mean heart searching, i found it again. Tsk, tsk, it really was scarred. Scarred but beautiful. (sounds familiar?)

As early as 12 midnight of hearts' day, things that have happened helped me find my scarred heart back. I guess i need not enumerate those things. In the end, i just realized that no matter how tough and painful those decisions and actions that ive committed in the past, i must live in the present with no regrets. For there really are no wrong decisions - you just have to be responsible for what you believed in, take its consequences, and live by it.

Finally, i was able to convince myself that i am in the right state of life, the right profession, the right hospital, and the right training program. I have been ranting and whining all along in this blogsite about my choices in life but something happened yesterday that assured me to keep on going no matter how blurred this course im taking. Something that's going to change my so called "lifeplan" for the next 3 years.

Alright, aside from "living life with no expectations," should i add that for one to be happy, there must be "No Regrets."

Scarred

Just got home from mass. It's been quite some time that going to mass doesnt move me at all. It became more as an obligation for me. If not for my brother and sister's prodding, i would have wanted to stay in bed instead. Sunday's usually a rest day for me when i am not on duty. I dont know whether this is because of my toxicity. Work has consumed most of my energy for the week that i always end up burnt-out, tired and almost lifeless on Sundays. Not going to mass however, would usually make me guilty. After all the blessings that i have been receiving in my life, an hour of thanking Him for what He has done is not even enough. I dont want to go to mass however just so i would be free from guilt. I wanted to hear mass with my whole heart and feel something in it.

I dont know how to put it. I also dont understand what this state i am in. This could be what most people call as "spiritual dryness." I have never been in this state not until i started residency training. Fact is, most people i know find me very religious. Some close friends even consider me as an aspirant for sainthood or nunnery. I didnt just go to mass during Sundays but Wednesdays and Fridays included given the time. Things have changed now. It seems as if i'm living my life every day as a routine. Sundays, that for me was so special before for it's the time that i could once again hear his word, no longer makes sense for me. I have yet to hear homilies that would move me, would strike me and leave me in tears now.

Maybe i just needed a break. The drama, deaths, sickness that i witness everyday of my life almost made me numb. My coping mechanism of detaching myself from the fate and deaths of my patients also detached me from my innerself. I could no longer get in touch with my emotions. I have become a stranger to myself. I have become more mechanical and intellectual - working only with my hands and mind, no heart included.

Aargh! Where's my heart? Might have lost it somewhere. But no, i could still feel it beating but i dont think that it still functions at all or it's still the same heart that i own. I remembered during my most painful moment that i asked God to take my heart away. I have been too sensitive that i almost feel for everything, for everyone to the point that i almost fell into depression. Witnessing the poor plight of my patients and their families' fate, a love lost, quite inhuman working condition, meeting difficult people, and the country's current condition, my heart got tired and weary. It almost got broken but my coping mechanisms patched it into whole still. Quite ugly, scarred, almost broken, beating still to give me life.

Now i realized how God could be so faithful. He heard my prayer. He might have took my heart away and could have replaced it with another. Something stronger, newer, smooth, unscathed. This heart however feels nothing. Too cold, too numb. Just as how cold my heart is, so as how dry my tear ducts are. I wanted to be back to my old self again. I really feel uncomfortable wearing this new heart.

Never mind the pain. Need not hold back the tears. I wanted to feel something again. I just wanted to feel Him in my life again. "Big Dad, I know you've been there all along. No matter how scarred that old heart of mine was, i still would prefer to have it than having this heart, feeling so inhuman. Oh by the way, thanks so much for loving me. Spoiled brat that i am, you answer my every prayer. Wisest that you are however, you know how to teach me lessons i need to remember. Happy V-day, Daddy!"


p.s.
While looking for broken heart pic, check out what i came across into. Now, God must be talking to me even online! Cool!

Lifting Up

I may be toxic with work but i always see to it not to be left behind when it comes to the recent events in the country. A few days ago, the tragedy that resulted from a supposed to be noontime show's 1st year anniversary, struck a number of neurons in my head. What's happening with our country now? The tragedy wouldnt have happened if not for a number of Filipinos who have been wanting to earn a few bucks. Was it already a sign that the Filipinos are really going hungry? I ran through an article that reviewed the different events when stampede occurred and killed hundreds of people for the past two years. Sad to say, most of these stampedes occurred secondary to a pilgrimage, a concert or a sports event, while the one that happened here in the country was due to the prizes that the noontime show offered.

A colleague texted me how she was saddened by the plight of the Filipinos. I was on the other hand dealing with a difficult patient when i received her text. Not only that, a few minutes ago, i was disappointed with an older colleague who isnt aware of the word "ethics." You know the kind of thing that an older colleague would degrade the younger ones and make them appear as nonsense quacks to the patients. As a result, i started to question myself why i remained stuck in this institution, in this country. As a reply, i jokingly told her that we must leave this crap hospital, this pathetic country and instead go abroad, serve other nationalities where we could earn more bucks and where our efforts will be appreciated. I was already expecting what her reply would be. Here's one of the quotable quotes that i hope would also lift some dampened spirits like mine.

"I disagree. Dats exactly y we are where we are nw cel, because we have realized dat da rest of the world doesnt nid us. We dnt nid to do tremendous or extraordinary work elsewhere, when we have so much work to do in our own country. SERVICE TO DA POOR, DATS OUR LIFE AND OUR HEART CEL."

Well, what can i say? Just when things are pulling me down the drain, there would always be people who in one way or another would lift me up and keep me going.

I Failed

Four days after that eventfully duty, the duty when my patience was tested to its fullest, i'm already in this process of internalizing everything that had happened. Everything really happens for a reason. That fateful night of February 1, i realized that my "maximum" tolerance really wasnt in its maximum yet. If it was, then i wouldnt have found myself arguing with that woman i gave name to (alright, the one i called "bitch" in my last blog).

Seriously, i must be thankful to her. Through her, i was able to once again reevaluate myself and my tolerance level. I might have failed the test, with her as the instrument, but then that test would help me in dealing other people in the future. I believe that i have to speak up and to defend myself, but then in retrospect, i should have lengthened my patience even more.

I'm still in the process of knowing who the bitch was. I already knew her first name as of this blogtime. Actually, I have no plans of retaliating or whatsoever. I just would like to stop calling her names. I owe her my gratitude - for testing my patience and for letting me reevaluate myself. I have to know her name for it wouldnt sound good if i'll once again say, "Thanks for everything, Bitch!"

Adding Insult to Injury

Just when i've been whining how burnt out i am with work, the final straw was drawn. Tonight, for the FIRST TIME in my RESIDENCY TRAINING HISTORY, i had a verbal argument with a patient's folk. Funny however for the patient isnt even under my service but that of the Department of Pediatrics.

Quite a long story but it started with one of the patient's folks, a girl in her early twenties, with dyed hair, bleached skin and uhmmm (i'm looking for words to describe her outfit), "trying-to-fit- in" looks. Well, im not a fashionista but how will i describe someone wearing those low-rise jogging pants with a word i forgot, in bold letters at the butt area? Not to mention the cap she was wearing while inside the emergency room. Hello! Is it raining? Ok, this girl seemed to be calling at me in my peripheral vision. I didnt pay her any attention for in the first place, i dont have anything to do with her. Her patient is a pediatric and i am for the oldies. Anyhow, this girl's too toxic that not even the doctor assigned to her patient paid her attention. I was the only one who looked vacant for her (just answered a phone call) that she raised her voice, calling me, to the point that she was sounding sarcastic and she even called me MISS! I seemed to have snapped back at her asking her back whom she was addressing to. She was referring to me she answered and i referred her to the nurses and to her attending physician.

Everything's almost ok when there's thisBIG BITCH beside her who butt in. I was in no way addressing to her and i dont know which school of manners she attended to but she just entered the scene. In the end, it was the big bitch and i who had the argument. She was accusing me to the point that i have no other choice but to fight back.

#1. She told me that if i am pressured with my work, then i must not displace it to my patients or other people.
#2. She's a nurse at a private hospital here (the hell i care!)
#3. They don't treat their patients in their hospital rudely
#4. She was questioning my action for it was unlikely for a "professional".

She was brought outside the ER and from there, i still could hear her blabbing and ranting. I was really angry. Best actress that i am however, i was able to attend to some of my patients still "professionally." Knowing that she hasnt kept quiet yet, i went out and approached her with the intention of talking to her in a civilized manner. The bitch that she is i guess however, i felt that talking with her would be futile. She was so unreasonable, closed-minded and goodness, a word from me was equivalent to 2 paragraphs on her part.

What really made me angry were her prejudice towards the government hospital that i am working in, and towards us, government doctors. If given the chance though, i will answer her premises, one by one. Good thing, there's this blog where i could pour out everything that i wanted to get rid from my system.

To the ER bitch, let me tell you this. I understand what you feel. Knowing that you work in a private hospital made you ashamed being seen in this government hospital i am working in. If you're proud of your hospital, why didnt you bring your patient there then? Oh by the way, let me answer your accusations. Fact is, i dont feel the need to really explain myself. I know myself better than you do. I just dont want to go down to your level however that these words remained in the confines of my white matter.

#1. I am not pressured by my work. Being a toxic resident, i was faced with a lot of patients at the ER yet i couldnt remember a time that i argued with any one of them because i was irritated by my toxicity. My tolerance level is always at the maximum level but IT'S ONLY YOU who filled it to the limits. Your arrogance, unprofessionalism and odd behavior made me feel proud of my patients from the far flung mountains of Negros. At least, even if most of them arent that literate, they know the value of RESPECT.

#2. & #3. Do you know why you should treat your patients well in your hospital? Because they are paying you. Fact is, i am never rude in treating my patients. It doesnt matter what class they belong in this society we are in for i am fare in my treatment. It is given that the government pays me for the services im rendering to its people and i could say this to your face that what the government pays me is not enough. In fact, a large fraction of my meager salary goes back to the government as tax. If i worked in this government hospital for the purpose of earning, i should have left this crap hospital long time ago and searched for greener pastures. I worked here to serve the less fortunates and not to be stepped upon by an arrogant bitch like you.

#4. Why the hell! Is a nurse not a professional? Hey there RN friends, someone from your league doesnt consider you as professionals. Sad to say, it might have been your discreet way of saying that you're the ONLY one who isn't. One other thing, poor nursing students, i didnt know that you're a a CLINICAL INSTRUCTOR! What example are you teaching your students then ma'am, may i ask? I just hope they won't end up like you.

This bitch i encountered tonight, the very first person who drew the final straw, added insult to my already injured ego: burning out and too saturated with work, depressed with the way the government treats our health system, and hurt by the prejudice that other doctors (who are supposed to be my colleagues) have towards government doctors.

I might not have ran out of good coping mechanisms yet. The more that my ego gets wounded, the faster it heals. After doing this blog, it seemed as if my anger towards the bitch, that i'm actually pouring into this blog, took all my heavy load away. Everything really happens for a purpose. So, should i say instead,"THANKS BITCH!"

Burning Out...Staying Alive

People say that I've got a good coping mechanism. I really don't know why they're telling me such. All i know right now is that i'm running out of that "good coping mechanism" they're telling me i possessed. As of this time, i could feel myself burning out. Too much work to do, too little time to do them. Ah yeah! Too little time? How come i could post this blog? Not doing this thing would mean that i'm too cruel with myself.

Yesterday, i'm talking with a very close friend. We talked about our lives, reflecting on our choice of profession. Why on earth did we become doctors? He was depressed with his current state, and i too feel that i'm falling into that deep pit again. He was so concerned with his future, i am too absorbed with my tomorrows. For every tomorrow would mean work for me - obligation, responsibility, whatever you call it. Every tomorrow would mean interaction with the sick, the dying, the hopeless, the oppressed, the depressed. In other words, another interaction with people who are sucking out all the positive energy in me...and they're slowly killing me.

After this residency training, after these hardships, what's next? Another journey to another chapter of the jungle of life. Where competition is to the neck, the quest for success is to the brim. A new world where new doctors would have difficulty surviving. Is this training worth all my hardships then? Will this training prepare me in facing the "open sea"? The sea where big doctors (some of whom already became nurses) are like predators preying on potential patients in order to earn. Everything's as dark for me as the starless night. It seems as if im working everyday of my life without any assurance of a bright future. With the way our government is running, with all the corruption and politickings, there surely is no way that young doctors like us could survive the "open sea."

I realized that it isnt just me who's feeling burnt out. I seem to have lost all inspiration to keep on going. The influx and load of patients, meager salary, great responsibility, too much work, and after talking with my friend, our dim future, who would feel great and inspired?

We asked ourselves,"Why did we become doctors"? The difficulties and hardships of clerkships are really just a start of greater challenges of this profession i chose. Maybe we were just stupid enough, we deduced, that's why we are here. Maybe we were just idealistic morons who were thinking that we could help alleviate the ills of human race. Maybe be were just selfish individuals who thinks that we will feel gratified saving a life from death. Maybe we were just religious spirits who were thinking that God called us to this profession in order to fulfill our role on earth.

In the end, we concluded that we just have to hang on. To keep on going, to finish what we have started. We still are those stupid and selfish individuals, the religious and idealistic morons - only burnt out. There's no way however that we'll pass that bitter pill we have to take. Everything happens for a purpose and there's no way we couldnt get through this. No matter how difficult our lives are right now, no matter how dim our future look, we wanted to become doctors, are now doctors, and will die as doctors. As for now, despite of being burnt out, we just have to continue shedding light, try our best to stay alive - so that others may live.

Numbed

Resuscitating a dying patient, intubating him/her and performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation thereafter, seemed as objective to me as 1-2-3. In the absence of pulses and respiration, 1. hyperventilate patient with a bag mask...2. do intubation... 3. perform cardiac massage... 4. administer epinephrine... so forth and so on. There's no emotion involved here. In order for me to really focus on what i am doing, that is stealing somebody's life from death, i must never let my heart rule over my head.

Early this morning, i performed the procedure in an extraordinary manner. While resuscitating my patient, thoughts kept on running through my mind. I was objective and detached, not knowing what to feel. Fact is, i must feel nothing. I did feel nothing. I performed the procedure well. I was in a dilemma though whether what i was feeling was the one that's appropriate for me. Being objective is what's being expected from me. What if the one that i'm saving from death however is my own blood? My patient this morning was my uncle...my dad's eldest brother.

The very moment i saw him cold and clammy, i sensed impending doom. His pulses were weak and thready, gasping for dear air. Goodness, i was praying that i need not perform the resuscitation myself but the inevitable happened. While intubating him, i was telling myself,"Hey, 1st time? It's your 1st time to perform the procedure to a relative." While doing my cardiac massages, i was asking myself,"How will i tell dad about this?" When everything that's needed to be given and done was performed, i was thinking,"How will our family take this?"

I was very objective. I was very detached. I did not feel a thing, i did not feel pain or loss within. Is this what's proper for me to feel? Am i too saturated with deaths that i feel nothing even for the death of my own uncle? I may not be that close to him for i only see him once or twice a year during reunions or special occasions but i must be feeling something, a little pinch in the heart maybe. There was none though. I was totally numb.

With the flatline that i could see in his tracings is my flat affect. Not sympathizing, not comforting, too detached. For some of my colleagues, i did the right thing. If i was emotional, then i might not be able to perform the procedure well. I am just wondering though, am i still human? Movies could put me to tears now (again!). Why is it though that i feel nothing for the death of a relative? Gosh, i really am desensitized. I really needed a break...too badly.

I Need a Break

There are times that i am asking myself "why on earth did i dream to become a doctor?" When i was young, i was amazed by people wearing those white, long-sleeved coats, with stethoscopes hanging on their necks to complete the outfit. I was moved by life-saving actions and dramas on tv like doctors resuscitating a dying patient. I am touched by heroic deeds of saving somebody's life. I acted as a doctor myself when i was young, giving my "patients" who happened to be my playmates, "medicines" (candy mints to be exact) to alleviate their "diseases" (thanks to them, they're all good actors and actresses). A friend reminded me that i treated her bruise with "malunggay" when we were in gradeschool. At a young age, people found me having the talent to treat the sick.

Now that i have reached that childhood dream, i am wondering why i still feel empty. I have treated hundreds of sick people, alleviated their pain, gave comfort to the dying, and helped prevented complications, yet, i can no longer feel the sense of fulfilment. No longer for i had this feeling of high when i was just starting in this profession. Now, i feel nothing.

In my 2nd year as a full-fledged doctor, i already feel burnt-out. I didnt realize how being a doctor become so draining. Maybe im just too tired, too harassed, too saturated with the number of cases that i see each day. Maybe, working in a governtment-ran institution is just too tiring that seeing a new case, or a new patient no longer excites me. Everything is a routine for me. I now dont see patients as friends who will give me new knowledge. I now see them as a burden, additional workload i wanted to run away from.

I am no longer amazed by that white coat. Actually, wearing it on a humid day feels like hell. Working in a crap hospital means there are no air conditioning systems in the wards. Good that wearing that long-sleeved white coat is not strictly observed here lest i'll always end up bathing in my own sweat or taking a bath more than thrice a day.

Where have all the excitements gone? Why cant i find fulfilment? I still am doing what's required of me. I still am performing my role as a physician but i get tired so easily. Am i already desensitized? Did my predecessors feel the same thing when they were my age? There's just one thing that i need to do. A change of profession is definitely not the answer. Once a doctor, always a doctor i will be. REST is all i need.

Ten months and i didnt have a break. Ten months, everyday, i report to the hospital. No day off, not even on holidays. I wanted to be absent from work but it's not just my attitude to run away from my responsibilities. Rest, rest, rest. How i wish i could have that rest that i need. Give me just one day off from the hospital. Dont let me see the wards, dont show me a patient, dont ask me to report to the hospital and i'll be fine. I'll be back to my old self again. Vibrant, full of life, full of enthusiasm to save a life. Can't wait for summer to come. Patience self, delay your gratifications. Ahhh life. You really are ironic. Sick people go to the hospital to get well. Doctors however wanted to leave the hospital that's making them sick.

Lessons While in a Queue

It has almost been a routine for me to pass by National bookstore before i go home from the hospital. Tonight, I was in a queue patiently waiting for my turn at the cashier to pay for the magazines and ballpens i bought. So as not to waste my time, i started reading the pages of my new magazine. I was already next to the lady who's paying at the cashier when someone, a woman in her late 30's, who looks like a teacher or an office girl (she was in uniform but i really dont know of what institution), barged in between the lady at the cashier and me.

She chatted with the lady in front of me appearing as if she was her companion. At her left hand, she was carrying her bag and hidden behind it is a book. I was just looking at her doubtful that this woman's making a "pasimpleng singit". I then saw her took her wallet, her Laking National Card and some cash. The book was out on top of the counter ready to be paid. I wrapped my arms, still looking at her with a questioning look, "Where the hell did you come from?" The nerve didnt bother to look behind her. I guess from her peripheral vision, she could see me never battling an eyelash on her. Instead, she deliberately let her long, split-end laden hair cover her ugly face.

Patience cel...patience. You just have to extend your patience to people at times. Understand them. Yep! No matter how difficult. This i've been repeating and repeating in my mind. I shifted my gaze towards the book she bought. Whoah! To my surprise, the book's entitled, "Embracing the Mysterious God."

The hell! This woman, who looked learned enough, dressed in a uniform, is reading a religious book doesnt know the basic lesson in "falling in line!" If she didnt feel guilty and that she didnt recognize that what she was doing was wrong or shameful for a woman like her, then why did she hide the things she bought when she barged in between me and the woman in front of me in the first place?

I placed the magazine i bought at the counter in front of me. Just when i was about to react to the woman's wrongdoing, the magazine i bought, that happens to be Kerygma (a Catholic inspirational magazine), reminded me to cool down. It's a shame too if i would react violently at her in an UN-Christian manner. Sometimes, when i'm having a pms, i just couldnt predict what might come out of my mouth so shutting up was a better alternative.

Let those angry words remain in the confines of my language area. Besides, it took her just about 10-minutes at the cashier. Let my angry looks complete with my arm-crossing be enough and let her shame never put her to sleep. I started thinking of happy thoughts and what came out of my mind was myself, shaving the woman's split-end-laden hair....ooops sowee...wicked me...Erase!

Ahh no wonder she bought that book she has been hiding. With the attitude that she has, God really is still mysterious. The magazine i bought already enlightened me before i finished reading it. I pray that the book she bought would also enlighten her. Should i also recommend that she read Robert Fulghum's book, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten." Maybe there's a lesson there somewhere about "falling in line."

5:30 Habit

Call it the "530 habit" but we usually visit this certain cafe in town after office hours...unfortunately usually when i'm from duty. Which means that ill be having a fix of methylxanthine...a caffeinated drink that is. As a consequence, instead of falling into a deep sleep because of my from duty status, i end up in front of this tube waiting for sleep to visit me. We call this "530 habit" as "Bo's Session."

What happens here is that we just talk about everything. No specific topic actually. It could be a continuation of a topic started at the hospital or anything from under the sun that we could share over coffee. In return, this becomes therapeutic for me and my colleagues. Credit it to the effects of caffeine or to the encouragements we get from the things we discuss.

As for tonight, we talked about a lot of things. Jumping from one topic to another. Expressing everything our imaginative minds could share. May it be a topic about our work, life, love, or fantasy. Yep! Fantasy. Customers beside us might wonder what we are talking about sometimes. We just laugh at things that only us could understand. Is it a group autism?hehe

Now, what do i get from this chat session? My hundred bucks for coffee actually goes a very long way. Encouragement whenever i feel toxic with work. More strength to move on in my current profession. Passion to keep my will to serve. Gratefulness for feeling so blessed. Affirmation that i am in the right work and workplace. In short, aside from the euphoria that i get from my methylxanthine fix, my heart is once again readied for my next day's work in the hospital.

Who says spending a hundred bucks for coffee is a luxury? It's not just the coffee that i'm paying my hundred bucks for. A grande of coffee goes with camaraderie, bonding, friendship, encouragements, name everything - for FREE.

Happy Birthday Mom!

It's been a very long and tiring day. Before i retire, i just would like to document a few things that have happened today. Today's quite special for my family most especially for my dear mom. For today, she celebrated her 50th birthday.

Working with people older than i am, most were amazed that my mom's just 50 years old. Those who met her already were more amazed when they found her younger than her age. Well, in terms of age, she isnt that old as others would expect for I am the eldest in the family and she got married at 22. Therefore, she already produced a doctor at age 50. In appearance, i guess working in a beauty company helped a lot in hiding her real age.

A small gathering for a little more than a 100 hundred guests in a restaurant concluded this day. We prepared a small tribute for her though the script, the sounds, everything were completed just this morning. It turned out just fine as most guests have commented. My siblings were good enough in doing their assigned tasks. Well, i realized that it really is an advantage when you're the eldest. I acted as the director, assigned tasks to my siblings, thus keeping me away from the limelight.hehe My younger sis gave a testimonial in our behalf, my only bro was the emcee and our youngest sis impersonated mom in our tribute. But hey, i also exposed myself to the public. I held the microphone when we sang our concluding song for mom. Sheesh, i just wasnt born a public performer.

After hearing all the testimonials that my mom's friends said about her, i was once again reminded that im so blessed having a mom like her. For 27 years, i just couldnt think of a time that i wished i would have another mom. My mom's my inspiration and my model of strength, courage, charity and faith. Well, anyone who has a mom might also think the same towards his/her mother. The kind of persons that my siblings and i have become are products of my mom's labor of love. Well, it's quite obvious that im so grateful having her as my mom for im dedicating this blog to her.

There's just another thing that my mom taught me tonight. Seeing her and my father so happy as a couple, i was reminded of that single night that we were watching tv together. That night, we witnessed on tv the cruelty of the life of a single woman. My mom reminded me, after hearing my joke before that i would want to be single for life, that she would want me to get married and have a family of own. I just answered with a sheepish grin associated with my alter ego's "Duh?!?".

Though i really cant picture out myself tied to a husband and craddling a baby, tonight, witnessing my mom so happy and contented with her life, changed all my views. Gone are the apprehensions and fears. Tonight, I am assured that no matter how i mess things up, my mom's there to inspire me and to encourage me.

Alright mom, i also want to be like you. I'm saying this not just to make you happy. Your presence constantly reminds me that "Hey Cel! You came from a woman of faith and of strength. You could turn every mishaps and misfortune into a blessing."

Welcoming the Year Right

In a few hours, i will be going again on a 24-hour duty. What's so unusual with this duty however is that it falls on the last day of the year. In short, i'll be finding myself in the hospital when the year ends. Woohooo! What a good thing to end 2005 and to welcome 2006...going on a 24-hour duty!

For the record, this will be the first time that i'll be spending new year in a hospital. Well, i'm trying to comfort myself that there are still more new year celebrations in a hospital to come...the one that i'll be doing later is just a teaser. What can i do? I'm just "fortunate" enough that my schedule fell on a new year. What's the big fuss anyway? After all the fireworks, the noise, the merrymaking and partying, it'll be just an ordinary day. Work will always be there and there's no way to escape it. Unless i wouldnt need the money to support myself and pay my bills, it's so easy to resign.hehe

Letting my talent in rationalization work, this is the life that i chose and i must learn to adapt to it. No holidays, no new years, no special seasons for me. People die anytime for the angel of death doesnt observe any holidays at all. Therefore, I must be available when i am needed. Maybe this is my calling - always ON-CALL actually.

Goodness, what right do i have to complain? I might be going on duty later half-heartedly, but this is unbecoming for a doctor like me to do so. I might put my patient's life in jeopardy if i do. Well, i've got seven more hours to internalize this and to really convince myself to go on duty wholeheartedly. Right now, while i am trying to convince myself to go on duty with my whole heart, i'm thinking about superman, daredevil, the xmen, batman, spiderman, all marvel comics superheroes (so as not to miss anyone), panday, kristala, darna and captain barbel included. These people have something in them. They too save lives, even in the most unholy hour.
They're superheroes alright and i am not. But it's not their strength that counts nor the superpowers that they possess. It's their unconditional service to the needy, 24/7, no holidays, no noon breaks, that matters most. I am not super doc, but this is the only thing that i could offer starting tomorrow and in the years to come.

Okay, despite the fact that i'll be thinking about other people welcoming the new year with merrymaking, while i on the other hand might be resuscitating someone who's dying, i just have to take comfort with the fact that i'm welcoming the year right. For the new year, "I'M SAVING LIVES."

Yer right, cel! Go on, comfort yourself.

Remembered in Blue

OMG! I was thinking that all the while, i'm done with my Christmas shopping. Little did i know that there are still a few people i forgot to buy gifts for. Aaaargh! I really found it hard searching for gifts. Aside from time constraints, budget is also a consideration. Better when i was not yet earning and working, i have all the time to shop for gifts and all the time to make personalized ones. Now that i have the capacity to buy these gifts i dont have enough time to buy them.

I usually make personalized gifts, remembering the person's likes, favorites or hobbies. Frankly speaking, not that i am not grateful in receiving a gift, but i really appreciate the ones that are well researched and worked hard for by the giver - yep! no matter how cheap it is. What will i do with those mugs - i received several of it last year. Maybe i could drink coffee from one mug, water in the other and softdrinks on another one. I received candles last year enough to burn the whole hospital too! Nevertheless, it's the thought that counts. I just have to take comfort in the fact that someone remembered me.

I hate Christmas shopping. Shopping for gifts tires me. Aside from the fact that i am left drained in budget, i also am drained in energy since I always try my best to really look for something that i could associate with the person i'm going to give the gift for. No matter how tired i am however, knowing that my gift is appeciated and receiving a gift from someone who also did the same thing i do, are enough to lift the tiredness away.

Yesterday, an intern of mine passed by the out-patient department to give me something. It was a cute, wooden, powder blue colored handfan. The thought that i am remembered touched me but to read this dedication: "I remember you when i see blue," now this is heartwarming.

Oh how i love to go on Christmas shopping. Anyone?

Life Plan

Was it just due to my on-call status (that i had enough sleep) or was it because i was quite interested in the homily tonight that i was awake all the time during the mass? Well, it could be both. If i lacked sleep, then i might not be able to grasp the homily clearly and be interested in it and therefore be awake the whole time during the mass.

The priest's homily was basically about what you call our "Life Plan." I do have a plan of my own. When i started earning my own bucks, i too started to plan my future (and this was just a few months ago, for the record). As a summary, here it goes:

1. For the next 3 years, i really dont have other plans aside from finishing my residency training. This is what i prioritize for now. Lovelife? Hmmm, is it equivocal with my career? If it is, then they can't go together. Unless of course someone will sweep me off my feet that i would put my career goal at the backseat. I still would make compromises though. If i could, then they can both occupy the frontseat. I'm an expert on multi-tasking anyway.hehe

2. At age 30, that will be 3 years from now, i will be done with residency training. I plan to proceed to subspecialization: either neurology or gastroenterology or rheumatology maybe. I still am in search of a subspec that doesnt have emergency calls and a subspec that's not that toxic. Boy, i just cant afford living a toxic life - from clerkship to specialization. I plan to go abroad and specialize there. Where? US or Australia, any place where my fate would lead me. It is also during this time when i could live on own - independently! Yipee!!!

This is also the time that the ultimatum i gave to myself will due. The time that i'll be in a crossroad. The time of discernment whether to really take the road of single-blessednes (finally) or cursed-marriage. Ooops, i dont mean to be biased here. Alright, remove the word "curse". If i get to meet my frog prince during this time, then proceed to plan # 3.

3. At age 32, it's either we'll live happily together - if he turns to a prince or i'll officially sign up with the "Spinsters' Club" if he remains to be the ol' ugly toad. Granting that my frog prince turns into a prince after a yucky kiss, then proceed to plan #4. If i decide to join my predecessors though, in the "Spinsters' Club", then proceed to plan #5.

4. I plan to get married in a church of course preferrably in the afternoon with the sunset welcoming us after the ceremony. Woohooot! Too detailed. I need not mention the entourage, the location and the reception (i dont even have an idea of my groom). Basically, I'll get married (or my parents will disown me if i wont), have a family and raise kids (2 kids the most), live in a house (better if along the beach) and continue with my career as an internist.

5. I'll sign up in the Spinsters' Club. As an official member, i will busy myself with my career, train up to the sub-sub-sub-specialization if there are any. Support my neices and nephews (too typical for a spinster aunt, eh). Live in my own house (still along the beach), go travelling to places, buy every techie stuff i wanted and become the coolest, most updated techie-doctor-spinster-geek of my generation. I vowed to grow old gracefully and promised myself not to be grouchy and grumpy (the way we look at single-independent women). My goal for this time is to remove the society's stigma on spinsters. It's like: "We aint need men and being single is cool!"

This is the longest timeline i could think as of now. Whether i'll die young or old, i do not know. I am planning to be cremated though. I dont want maggots, bacteria and other decomposers to feast on me. One other thing, i dread the fact that i'll smell the way dead bodies do. I also plan not to let my family or loved ones see my dead body. In such way, they'll only remember the living me. I believe that what most people remember is the other person's image during their last meeting. I dont want to be remembered looking like a corpse.

So, did i forget anything?

I planned everything that i wanted but i forgot the basic fact. I forgot that there's a Great Architect out there who does the planning. I might have plans for my own life but it's still the Great Architect's call. This was the essence of the homily today. The mystery of my Life Plan that remains to be unrevealed to me is also what makes life exciting for me.

I did plan some things for my life when i was still in school. I was planning to take up Pediatrics or Community Medicine as a specialization yet i ended up taking Internal Medicine. There were a lot of twists and turns and im sure there will be more to come in the future. These twists might make my life plan complicated. One thing's for sure though, every twist turns out for my own good. I guess all i've got to do is to offer these plans to the Great Architect, sit-back, relax, live life to the fullest and let Him do the final Blueprint.

I Am Selfish

I need to do a blog! I really feel that there’s a need to get this thing out of my system.

They say this things happen for a purpose and that all things happen in a certain time. Just when I am so burnt out with training, too sick and tired of admitting and seeing patients every duty, too numb of witnessing deaths almost everyday, too hopeless that these patients I have can go nowhere else but death because of lack of resources, I found myself watching this movie, Beyond Borders and was moved by it.

Tonight’s just one ordinary lazy Sunday night. Since I’m from duty, I decided not to do anything but relax. I tried checking out the pirated DVDs I bought recently and since I’m a huge fan of Angelina Jolie, I bought a copy of her movie collection. I already watched Mr. and Mrs Smith and Gone in 30 seconds. Next on the list is this movie, Beyond Borders. The summary tells me about a “Renegade” doctor and his relief operations in different areas of the globe. The mere word renegade is quite familiar with me, what more with the word doctor? Therefore, I ended up loading the disc in the player.

I need not tell what the story is all about. I’m not making a movie review. Though I must admit that the only two things I liked about the movie are the humanitarian missions and the lead actress. Other than these, who would appreciate a movie that started with the humanitarian missions and ended with a tragic romance?

Alright, reflecting on the movie (on it's humanitarian sense), i find myself, a lazy bum, doing nothing but whine and be sorry with my current work, searching for something. I was looking for the enthusiasm and the spirit I had before I started training. I was searching for that young girl who once dreamt to become a doctor and serve the underprivileged. I was trying to reunite with the spirit who was once dreaming to go abroad – not in the US nor London, but Africa – for relief operations. Yep! Just like what Dr. Callahan in the movie was doing. I tried to call on that woman doctor who was idealistic and who was so sincere in her goal to serve other people.

Where are they? After one year of being exposed to this government-hospital I am working in, I couldn’t find them any longer. What remains is an impatient, numb, pathetic young doctor. The doctor who, despite of doing her job and giving her best, feels inadequate and empty. The doctor who has been trying to put a mask in front of her patients, cheering them up, letting them forget their sickness and old age, yet deep inside her, she’s is tearing apart.

I don’t know if it’s depression again. All I know is that I’m already very tired. I am now less tolerant with my toxicity. I am not screwing things up yet, I’m trying not to, but I feel quite ineffective for feeling so empty. Maybe when you haven’t rested for quite some time even for just a day, there will come a time that you get too saturated that in no time, you’ll just blow off. Other people couldn’t see this. Though I am transparent with my emotions of anger and disappointments, I am a good actress when it comes to matters like this. I grew up too used in dealing with my own trash without the help of anybody – not even of my closest friend. In short, noone can tell if I am having problems. Only when I was able to get over it do I let other people know.

Now back to my reflections with the movie, here I am, complaining about my work, about how crap the government is, burnt out with my profession, and sounding so pathetic right now, yet there’s this man, a doctor like I am, a renegade (that I claim, I am), risking his life in saving lives. Lives of people not even of his own race or color. Lives of people who don’t even belong to that same part of the world where he belongs. He was saving lives in exchange of nothing. He was saving lives because he was selfless. This selflessness though he admitted was still equivalent to him, being “selfish”. He was selfish for he felt good about himself everytime he found that these people he’s helping appreciate his help. He was selfish because he felt fulfilled and gratified stealing a life from death. He was selfish for his sacrifice of helping other people was what makes him happy in life.

I am now trying to reexamine myself. Is this what I really want in life? If I love my job then why can't I feel the fulfllment at all? If I love my profession, then why do I get tired in treating the sick? If I love what I am doing, then why do I feel sick in finding myself in the hospital? With this I end this blog that like Dr. Callahan, I want to be selfish. I want to find fulfillment and happiness in my work.

I guess the best thing that I could do for now is nothing else but to SLEEP. Heck! This is all I need. When I’m not tired and sleepless, I have all the enthusiasm and the spirit to serve other people. I am always in touched with that young girl who once dreamt to become a doctor and serve the underprivileged. I am always reunited with the spirit who was once dreaming to go abroad for relief operations – just small time for now, I’ll just have to start serving from where I came from. I still am that woman doctor who is still idealistic and sincere in serving other people. What I’m just trying to say is that, I AM SELFISH. Who says about quitting?

Time Warped

Just tonight, while walking home, i felt the cold breeze blowing towards my cheeks. I have this unusual intolerance to cold that i felt chilly all over. I then remembered one thing - i forgot to bring my jacket. Am i suppose to remember first that it's already December and that it's quite cold already at this time of the year? Can those people i saw the other night, sleeping on the sidewalks, distinguish December from the other months of the year? They feel cold almost every night.

As i entered the gate and saw those lights hanging at the beam, i remembered one thing - Goodness! i forgot to buy a bulb for my room. There's only one that remained functional out of the four. Am i suppose to remember first that it's already December and that it's this time of the year when houses get brighter at night because of christmas lights? Nope! I didnt have this thought first. The city's darker now compared to the previous years and there are only a few houses who have christmas lights on. Can those people without electricity distinguish December from the other months of the year? Their places' always dark each night.

As i reached the front door and saw the garland covering the wooden beam complete with angels and lights, i remembered one thing - where have my angel collections gone? I remembered placing my angel stuffs in a box before i left Cavite for home and i almost forgot where i placed it. Am i supposed to remember first that Christmas is near and that decorations are all over town? Nope! I didnt think about this. Do my brethen who dont have houses distinguish Christmas from the other time of the year?

When i reached inside, i saw our helper wrapping gifts. My mom asked her to wrap the gifts she's going to give out during her group's Christmas party. I remembered i havent started on my gift list yet. I havent bought a thing yet, for a loved or for a friend, as a Christmas present. I was thinking that it was just October the other night. I'm time warped! It seemed as if i slept the other night in October only to wake up the next day already in December!

Tsk, tsk, am i too absorbed with work that i couldnt feel the season? Am just rationalizing now for i havent bought any gift yet? Thinking it over, I'm just too absorbed living with today alone - seizing everything that the day could offer. I am not thinking about tomorrow any longer. Any good that i could do, any misunderstandings that i had, any feelings that's left unexpressed, any hurt that's left hidden, i dont want them to wait for tomorrow. Seeing some of our brothers sleeping on the streets, witnessing how penniless my patients are and seeing almost everyday how death is inevitable, i couldnt help but live my day to the fullest, not forgetting to thank the Big Guy upstairs for all the blessings i'm not worthy receiving. Now, this i remember always.

Toxic in Pink

Aaaaaargh! It's 2 am! It's 2 am and yet i havent changed into my scrubs yet. As of the last count, we already have 20 admissions and F-I-V-E interdepartmental referrals. Seldom can one receive such number of referrals in a 24-hour duty. Just came back from the wards. I had my hospital touring too - just like what the security guards i've met in the corridors were doing. It seems that the only department i didnt receive referrals from are the Department of Pediatrics and Laboratory.

I started this morning quite fine. People have been telling me that i look good in my pink blouse. "Pretty in pink" they say. I was tempted to disagree. "Pretty" was an understatement. Goodness! When i'm toxic and sleepy, i tend to have delusions at times.

My cabinet's almost colored blue. In short, most of my clothes are either tints or shades of blue. The reason i guess why other people have been praising me for looking good in pink is because they're used in seeing me clad in blue. When people started to comment that i look good in pink, I started to love pink. Since this morning, i started to feel comfortable wearing pink.

Too comfortable that until now, at 2 in the morning, when everyone else's has changed into his/her scrubs, i still am wearing this pink blouse. Waaaah, i really need to freshen up now.