Sunday, December 11, 2005

I Am Selfish

I need to do a blog! I really feel that there’s a need to get this thing out of my system.

They say this things happen for a purpose and that all things happen in a certain time. Just when I am so burnt out with training, too sick and tired of admitting and seeing patients every duty, too numb of witnessing deaths almost everyday, too hopeless that these patients I have can go nowhere else but death because of lack of resources, I found myself watching this movie, Beyond Borders and was moved by it.

Tonight’s just one ordinary lazy Sunday night. Since I’m from duty, I decided not to do anything but relax. I tried checking out the pirated DVDs I bought recently and since I’m a huge fan of Angelina Jolie, I bought a copy of her movie collection. I already watched Mr. and Mrs Smith and Gone in 30 seconds. Next on the list is this movie, Beyond Borders. The summary tells me about a “Renegade” doctor and his relief operations in different areas of the globe. The mere word renegade is quite familiar with me, what more with the word doctor? Therefore, I ended up loading the disc in the player.

I need not tell what the story is all about. I’m not making a movie review. Though I must admit that the only two things I liked about the movie are the humanitarian missions and the lead actress. Other than these, who would appreciate a movie that started with the humanitarian missions and ended with a tragic romance?

Alright, reflecting on the movie (on it's humanitarian sense), i find myself, a lazy bum, doing nothing but whine and be sorry with my current work, searching for something. I was looking for the enthusiasm and the spirit I had before I started training. I was searching for that young girl who once dreamt to become a doctor and serve the underprivileged. I was trying to reunite with the spirit who was once dreaming to go abroad – not in the US nor London, but Africa – for relief operations. Yep! Just like what Dr. Callahan in the movie was doing. I tried to call on that woman doctor who was idealistic and who was so sincere in her goal to serve other people.

Where are they? After one year of being exposed to this government-hospital I am working in, I couldn’t find them any longer. What remains is an impatient, numb, pathetic young doctor. The doctor who, despite of doing her job and giving her best, feels inadequate and empty. The doctor who has been trying to put a mask in front of her patients, cheering them up, letting them forget their sickness and old age, yet deep inside her, she’s is tearing apart.

I don’t know if it’s depression again. All I know is that I’m already very tired. I am now less tolerant with my toxicity. I am not screwing things up yet, I’m trying not to, but I feel quite ineffective for feeling so empty. Maybe when you haven’t rested for quite some time even for just a day, there will come a time that you get too saturated that in no time, you’ll just blow off. Other people couldn’t see this. Though I am transparent with my emotions of anger and disappointments, I am a good actress when it comes to matters like this. I grew up too used in dealing with my own trash without the help of anybody – not even of my closest friend. In short, noone can tell if I am having problems. Only when I was able to get over it do I let other people know.

Now back to my reflections with the movie, here I am, complaining about my work, about how crap the government is, burnt out with my profession, and sounding so pathetic right now, yet there’s this man, a doctor like I am, a renegade (that I claim, I am), risking his life in saving lives. Lives of people not even of his own race or color. Lives of people who don’t even belong to that same part of the world where he belongs. He was saving lives in exchange of nothing. He was saving lives because he was selfless. This selflessness though he admitted was still equivalent to him, being “selfish”. He was selfish for he felt good about himself everytime he found that these people he’s helping appreciate his help. He was selfish because he felt fulfilled and gratified stealing a life from death. He was selfish for his sacrifice of helping other people was what makes him happy in life.

I am now trying to reexamine myself. Is this what I really want in life? If I love my job then why can't I feel the fulfllment at all? If I love my profession, then why do I get tired in treating the sick? If I love what I am doing, then why do I feel sick in finding myself in the hospital? With this I end this blog that like Dr. Callahan, I want to be selfish. I want to find fulfillment and happiness in my work.

I guess the best thing that I could do for now is nothing else but to SLEEP. Heck! This is all I need. When I’m not tired and sleepless, I have all the enthusiasm and the spirit to serve other people. I am always in touched with that young girl who once dreamt to become a doctor and serve the underprivileged. I am always reunited with the spirit who was once dreaming to go abroad for relief operations – just small time for now, I’ll just have to start serving from where I came from. I still am that woman doctor who is still idealistic and sincere in serving other people. What I’m just trying to say is that, I AM SELFISH. Who says about quitting?

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