What's With "W"?

I'm having a break from Harrison's. This is in response to Garando's letter "W".hehe Just by the title alone, I already have 3 W's. Does this mean that I only need to post 7 things/names that start with W?hehe

1. Washington's Manual of Medical Therapeutics - another textbook that helped me through residency training
2. Webster's dictionary - i could remember it well that we were asked to bring this to school when i was in grade school. Pocket dictionaries were not allowed. Boy was it so heavy! (of course I omitted Merriam just so i could come up with a W...hehe)
3. Whoah! - one of my fave expressions
4. Whatever yaya ! - watch Bubble gang and you'll find out why this too is another fave of mine. Match this with upward rolling of eyeballs and a "W" hand sign.hehehe
5. Winston - my morphine's older brother.haha (nandamay ng iba.)
6. Westlife - one of the boy bands I liked as influenced by my baby sister.hehe
7. www. - can i count this as 3 entries?hehehe made life less boring for me.hehe
8. ward - one thing that I'm missing right now. Ironic but i miss the toxicity of residency.hahaha
9. Wilson - the brand of my tennis racket that's 16 years old already and is still functional.hehehe
10. WAIS - this is what Garando is. He didn't give me an X or a Z but he gave me a W.hahaha Peace, manong!

Now back to our regular programming...=)

p.s.
obviously, I love to show my reliable and dependable pairs in this blog. They deserve to be given credits here. I couldn't make rounds in the wards without them.hehe

A Peaceful Christmas to Everyone!

For the holidays, all I wish for is Peace. Peace of mind and peace of heart. I guess by the number of blogs (a.k.a. trash) that I've posted just for this month, you can tell that I do need some peace. Peace from what? Aaaargh! It's the specialty board exam! And it's exactly a month from now! Pressure! Pressure!

Anyway, hope you'll find peace in these pictures. Took them on my flight to Bangkok early this year. Been wanting to take pictures of clouds while in a flight but I only have my camera phone with me all the time. Yep! A law abiding citizen that I am, I didn't attempt to turn my phone on even if it has a flight mode (which unfortunately is not allowed too...why the heck is this function added to our phones by the way?). Equipped with a digicam on my trip, I savored the moment of taking these cloudscapes. (Subtext: Picture me drooling over those cloud formations.)

A BLESSED AND PEACEFUL HOLIDAY SEASON EVERYONE!

My favorite. I'm using this as my wallpaper for Taffy and my fone.

When Will the Holidays Be Over?

I was on my way to the hospital this afternoon and I didn't know that our city's got already a bumper to bumper traffic as early as 2 o'clock! Goodness gracious! When will the holidays end? A once 10-minute drive to the hospital now became almost 30 minutes!

As if the bumper to bumper traffic was not enough, there's a bumper to bumper traffic too at the mall! Walking through the alleys of the supermarket area at SM was like lining up for the counter. Was about to turbo broil a chicken for dinner but to my dismay, buying one dressed chicken and some veggies would take me more time than buying an already roasted chicken. Almost all of the counters there were open yet the carts and baskets were piling up. The express counter was not even standing to its name.

Took a breather in one of the bookstores there. Was about to buy gifts for friends and colleagues. I don't know why there were only a few people inside of it. Maybe it's with the name. It has Christian in it. No pun intended. I mean when people hear the word Christian or any religiosity to that matter, they become uncomfortable. It's Christmas but it's ironic that people missed what the name really is for. So there are only a few people buying books for gifts...I mean Christian books or stuffs? Maybe? Well, it's their choice. I just frequent this bookstore for gifts since even if I could buy cheap stuffs there, I find them valuable in essence. Oh, not to mention, there's no queue at the counter and there were only a few people there. Was tired though and my legs were killing me so I bought just one book before I decided to go home.

Met up with my youngest sister and we've decided that a roasted chicken is a better option than buying a dressed one. Actually, we just didn't have the energy left for cooking. As for the gifts I'm about to buy to friends and colleagues? Will be buying them as soon as the Holidays' over. Aaaargh! This is autism-overdrive at its purest!

What's With the G?

So I'm joining the meme thing in blogosphere. Got this from Sheng and she gave me the letter G! I have to give her 10 names or things that starts with G....okay now, I'm thinking....

1. G - my middle initial (hehehe as if i'm really maintaining my hidden identity here.)
2. G - my department chairman's family name
3. God - i can always rely upon
4. good girl - this is what i always am especially when i'm asking something from the previous entry.
5. geriatric - most of my patients are
6. Garando - my highschool big brother.hahahaha sorry manong couldnt think of anything more
7. Garandee - Garando's wife...haha...now that makes 2 entries already...leaving me with only 3 more
8. good time - this is what i always do when i get bored being an autistic...mang good time ng ibang tao. wicked me!hehehe
9. Gabriel - the name i would like to have for my son...he's my guardian angel too based on the day i was born.
10. Grems (for Gremlin) - my nickname in our peer group. The rest are Manang (for manananggal), Bampi (Bampira), Were (Werewolf), and Miswa (Aswang)...weird name for a weird group I guess.hehe

Saved By the Piggy

Why can't other people just do their work efficiently? I mean, if you were tasked to compute the employees' payroll and their taxes included, why can't you just do it correctly? I dont know if this has happened to other companies too but our accountant in the hospital failed to deduct our withholding taxes for the months of July and August because of adjustments chu-chu with the dependents of the taxpayers. Well, I really am not very knowledgeable when it comes to this. Been telling my sister (who happens to be an accountant) that I'll surely be needing her in the future to manage my finances (as if I really have a lot to count...I'm just being optimistic). Just so to make the long story short, the supposed to be withholding tax for July and August were deducted in my December's salary. Woohoo! Just when I'll be needing the bucks. Hey! It's Christmas! I'm not Uncle Scrooge so my loved ones and friends expect me to be giving them something.

There were rumors that came out that we will be receiving nothing for December. Great! How big will that salary deduction be for the withholding tax? My whole month of pay? Fortunately, got hold of my pay slip. The rumor was all wrong. Well, this is how rumors would run in a hospital I guess. At least I can withdraw some bucks from my ATM. To my surprise though, my withholding tax amounted to 8,+++ bucks! Well, part of it. Another 3,+++ bucks were deducted from my hazard pay. In other words, I paid around 11,+++ bucks for my taxes!

I'm a good citizen! I'm paying my taxes! Congratulations self! Oh, I also would like to share this award to our very efficient accounting department. I made a budget for the month and this included the gifts i have to buy for my inaanaks. Just when I made a budget, I became short of it! Good thing my piggy bank came in handy. Been planning to open it up for Christmas for the past years. Well, my god children will at least receive a little something from me...a piggy bank maybe?

The Graduate's Farewell

After four years, I'll finally be leaving this crap hospital I've been whining about in this blog. It doesnt mean though that this site will be inactive too after my graduation. This site's been witness to all my disappointments and frustrations at work - that's why i call this as my emotional trash bin. Well, it accepted some of my pms fits and autistic moods too...without complaining. So the saga continues even after tomorrow.

Since i was asked by my juniors to prepare a speech...grrrr I hate speeches and I just dont feel comfortable talking in front (autistic mode: currently active), let me post the draft of my speech here. Well, i'll be typing it anyway so for convenience, i might as well post it here and print it later for my reference tomorrow. This is also one way of thanking not just the people around me but also those who had the patience and tolerance to read all my trash here.

I'm not good at saying goodbyes but let me grab this opportunity not to say my farewell, rather to thank the people who have supported me in this journey. As i move on in pursuit of further training and knowledge, it's but proper to recognize the "wind beneath my wings." I will never reach this height (i'm talking in metaphor here) if not for them.

My parents...for all the support and understanding. They never complained that their eldest daughter, after sending her to college then to medical school, had an extended adolescence. I was still dependent on their financial support even after I became a licensed professional...a professional bum in other words...for i was still asking for an allowance from them in my first few months at work. Now that i'll be undergoing further training, I'll be once again a bum to the highest level. I know that I can always rely on them for more support though. I couldnt thank them more for the love and understanding. They knew the problems and concerns that I'll be facing when i decided to enter this government hospital. They never stopped me though from pursuing my plans. My parents understand that despite my whinings and toxicity at work, I could find fulfillment in serving our less fortunate patients in this venue. Why cant they? Charity begins at home and my folks showed me how it is done while I was growing up.

My mentors...for sharing their time and knowledge without counting the costs. They're a bunch of fun-loving, service oriented, and knowledge-thirsty people. Consultants who are experts in their fields who spent their precious time with us, their residents, without pay. They could have spent an hour or two in their clinics and earn more bucks yet they chose to teach and train young minds like us. They could have spent more time with their families and kids yet they chose to mingle with us to mold our character - young physicians who shall grow "old" like them (no pun intented).

My colleagues...for the time and camaraderie. My sisters and brothers in my 2nd family. Residency training may not be as fun and memorable without them. Toxicity became bearable everytime we share some jokes or stories especially when it's over food. United we stood and supported each other against unreasonable folks, difficult patients and unreasonable and difficult nurses. My memories of you will forever be etched in my frontal lobe.

Our chairman...our department's big daddy. For believing in us even if we're considered as the underdogs in the city. Well, people tend to think that since we belong in a dilapidated and crap supposed-to-be-tertiary-regional-government hospital, our brains and skills go with the infrastructure too. Another reason might be because we treat the less fortunate, the social-welfare-dependent patients and the no-read-no-write who would sign consent for treatment using their thumbprints. With this, people would think that our brains are just a bit higher than that of our patients' level. Here's this man though who believed in us. Who encouraged us to give out our best and to stand for what we really are. Among others, he took the responsibility in molding our brains and character even if it entails more patience, more headaches, more PVCs and increased risk for another admission on his part.

Screeeeech! Stop me! I'm carried away. Might as well stop here for i might end up with my longest post ever. Still have a lot of people to thank and a lot of things to say but this isnt just the right venue. This basically is just the gist of what I'm planning to say. Starting on a few paragraphs already made my eyes moist. What more if i'll continue with this?

Geez! I have to wear a water-proof mascara and make up tomorrow. Sob!

Moving Out...Moving On

These are not for the famous fastfood-with-a-Big-Bee-Mascot campaign. These stuffs are mine and I brought them home from work. Coming from friends, interns, patients and pests (errr people who show you their best foot and yet you still find them obnoxious...whatever you call them), these toys found a home inside my locker. Since I'll be graduating this Friday from my training (sniff!), I've started to bring home some of my stuffs so that the new residents could make use of my space.

I'm moving out. Leaving the place I almost considered as my 2nd home gives me this separation anxiety. I'll be missing the people I have worked with for the past 4 years! This is the place where i found my niche. The only thing that's constant here on earth though so they say, is change. Change tells me that i have to move on. Not to remain stagnant, to achieve more and to reach higher. In exchange for this though is that I'll be leaving the people I got close with and I'll be leaving the life that I got used to.

My fluffy kids will surely miss their home too. There's no other way but to move on though. Embrace change...face the new challenges...find a new niche...meet new friends...and to find a new home for my fluffy kids in my room. Hmmm, they might look good in here.

How To Evaluate a Year - Based on the Number of Posts

The longest post title i had...hopefully the shortest post. (Wait i'll do a word count.hehe)

I'm currently having my break with my one on one talk with Harrison. He's such a bore believe me but I'm really trying my very best to like him. To be fair, i guess all textbooks were made to be boring so it's not really Harrison's fault if it's his nature to be one. Well, we've been together for four years and it's just now that I'm trying to get to know him to the bones. I mean every detail of him. With this, I'm starting to do some bargaining. If only i could go on 24-hour duty again in exchange of this talk with him, i am more than willing to do so...even make it 48 hours straight. My butt's flattened up already I guess due to prolonged sitting. Been shifting positions and locations just so to fight off sleepiness and to let my blood circulate only to find myself falling asleep with my marker pens soiling my shirt or my linens! Great!

So Taffy's a great help in times like this. Once Harrison starts to lull me to sleep, i just have to turn to Taffy. Either i'll play games, edit a movie project, or do what im currently doing...post something here. While thinking on what to post here, I realized that 2007 was a difficult year for me. Look at those number of posts i had. This is my trash bin and literally, i had those number of trash for that year...86? Oh, not to count the drafts that remained unpublished since they're not healthy for public consumption. Must have been the Chief Residency responsibility.hehe Looking back in 2008, this year's a bit milder for me. The year's about to end and I only have a handful of "trash" here. Strictly speaking, they're not even pure trash. Life must have been good to me this year. Since i only went on 24-hour duty until the middle of the year, my toxicity was lessened, my exposure to difficult folks and patients were minimized and I only have Harrison to deal with. Well, the boredom that I'm experiencing with him is not enough to be considered as a trash.hehe

Pressurized

Inhale...exhale...ahhhhh....inhale...exhale....ahhhh....I NEED A BREATHER!

Basically this is all that i wanted to say just to relieve myself of the pressure that's starting to build up from within me. The specialty board exam is fast approaching and i think i'm not even halfway with my review. The exam they say is more difficult than the medical board exam despite that the latter is consist of 12 subjects while the former basically just covers the two volumes of our specialty textbook. What with the modified, nose-bleed-true or false questions? I dont memorize things and i hate figures and these questions are kinda tricky. The examiner for example may opt to delete just one word in a certain statement in order to make this statement false. Just one word or one figure...that tricky.

What made things even more difficult for me are the expectations from my consultants and collleagues. Add the so called "slot" that i already have for my subspecialty training in one of the great hospitals in the country pending my exam result. Panic button on!

Ooooops, I'm a grace under pressure. I dont panic. I could manage a very toxic emergency room with a calm demeanor. I know this too shall pass. A lot of people pray for me. People say I have a very good signal to the Great Architect up there that my prayers are always answered.

Alright self, time's up for self-conditioning. Harrison's* already waiting to be devoured. Raaaaar!

subtext: Goodness! Just by the thought of what I HAVE to do after this makes me nauseated. Barf bag please?

*the textbook

My Doppleganger

A very late halloween post this may seem, but this is a response to nyss' request to tell her my story about my doppleganger. It's quite improper to tell her my story in her comment box, so here it goes....to the believers and non-believers of the paranormal...(insert sound here...twilight zone soundtrack...hehehe)

Here's a description of what a doppleganger is from an online source: A double, an identical replica of a person. The idea behind this is that everyone has a Doppleganger, an identical copy of themselves somewhere in the world. If the person is good, then the Doppleganger will be evil and vice versa. It is even said that if the two should meet, then they will both perish.

Well, obviously,if the myth is true, i havent seen my doppleganger yet for im still alive, posting this blog. There were three people who saw my doppleganger. Three different incidents, yet i only figured out just today, that these incidents happened between 10-11 o'clock either in the morning or in the evening.

1st Incident: This happened some time in June when i was still going on a 24-hr duty at the hospital. I went upstairs to our conference room to have my late dinner. It was 9 o'clock in the evening, i could remember. Since there were only two of us who were on duty that time, i was all alone in our conference room since my junior was at the emergency room. At 10pm, while preparing to freshen up, i heard the front door open. We have two locks and since i heard the deadbolt open, i presumed that it was my junior resident who went up. I didnt check who it was. Instead, i went to the bathroom for a bath. After i was done, i received a text from one of our interns. He asked me if i'm inside the conference room and if he could go there. Gave him my go signal and twas him who told me the goosebumps story.
He asked me if i went upstairs at around 10 in the evening. Told him that i was in the conference room an hour earlier. The reason was at around 10pm, he went up to the conference room. He saw "me", actually, the back of me, about to enter the door. He ran after me and even called my name but it seemed that i didnt hear him. He didnt knock on the door thinking that i might be busy so the reason for his text. Catch is, that time that he saw "me" entering the door, i was already inside the the conference room an hour earlier and was on my way to the bathroom. It was also the time that i heard the door open....tinininini tininini....hehe

2nd Incident: This came from our secretary. Every morning, after the endorsement at 9 o'clock, most of us are making our rounds in our different wards. One day, our secretary who reported to work at around this time, saw "me" walked by through the door between the main conference room and the receiving area of our office. She was seated in her table at the receiving area. Thinking that i was in the main conference room, she went in to greet me. Only to realize that there's noone inside the room. The direction where "i" was headed according to her was towards our sofa and she was surprised to find out that i was not there. She checked inside our bathroom yet she didnt find me there. Fact is, i was already in the wards making my rounds with my junior.

3rd Incident: This happened on the same day. Our secretary (secretary A) asked our other secretary (Secretary B) what i was wearing that day. Secretary B who saw me earlier that day told her that i was in black maong skirt and black blouse. So secretary A told her what happened and that she saw me with the same outfit. The two of them got a scare of their lives when i went upstairs for lunch. Yep! I was wearing a black skirt, yet my blouse was pink - not black. Secretary B was surprised! For earlier that day too, before Secretary A reported to work, secretary B saw 'me" standing beside our conference table, texting. I was in an all black outfit. The time when she saw me texting, i was already in the wards. She might have thought it was me but only forgot the details of what i was wearing for she already saw me when i reported to work. She just didnt realize that the "real me" was wearing a pink blouse, not black.wehehehe

Well, three people, three incidents, all saw my doppleganger. I guess my doppleganger is on the "good side" for she didnt harm anyone at the office. Whether the myth about dopplegangers is true or not, i discovered one truth...that our dopplegangers are an exact opposite of who we are...hehehe

New Inspiration

There arent enough trash to dump in here and our wireless connection at home just resurrected from the dead....so my "come-back" blog.

Actually, it's just so timely for today, i found a new inspiration. A new inspiration to blog about. Just when i'm worrying about petty matters in my life, i found the answer from someone i know. Someone just older than i am who faces a bigger enemy than i have. When i'm having battle with myself and my issues, she's having a battle with the big C. She has cancer. Cancer of the ovaries to be exact and she lost the organ that's supposed to complete her womanhood in the process. As a physician i know that her time is counted. Not that it's shortened for even a healthy individual can go ahead of her. It's just that she's given an estimate of how long she'll live. Her existence, quantified.

Life is short. She reminded me about it. I may not have the big C but i can never tell, my life might be shorter than hers. What to do now? Throw away all those petty concerns, reflect on all the blessings i have in my life and be thankful for them. Enjoy life, every second of it. Never to waste a single second on negative thoughts. To stay happy. To stay cool. To love unconditionally and without fear. To give fully without expecting anything in return. To discover how beautiful my life is and how blessed i am. Never give way to my hormonal imbalance (darn pms!). Rather, be thankful that i experience pms and i still have "them" - the organs that might produce another being as abnormal as i am.

Ahhhh life. I just can imagine myself without the Great architect in it. Without Him, i might totally make a great mess out of it. Just when i needed an inspiration (to blog and to get through this pms im having), He sent an angel to enlighten me. In return, i shall pray for this Angel. May she find more strength in the battle that she faces. May she find inspiration too from the people whose lives, she touched...mine included.

On Empty Nests and Dogs

My younger sister got married last May and is no longer staying with us. Our youngest sibling studies in the other island and goes home only during weekends or school breaks. My only brother left home for his board review in Manila, just yesterday. This left only my parents and I having dinner together tonight. Their four children who are all grown up now started to leave home except for the eldest, who happens to be me, who is "overstaying" at home. Nevertheless, only my parents are left for dinners when i am on a 24-hr duty since our helper goes to a night school.

Despite of being "autistic", i felt the silence at home. I feel for my parents whom, for 31 years were used to a not so quiet family dinners. During weekdays, it is only during dinner when we could gather all together and talk about our different lives. No longer now. I may attempt to talk about my work at the hospital but the not so talkative me would definitely tire out if noone's going to say his or her piece too. What happens would be just a mere exchange of words either between my mom and i or my dad and i - well, they happen to be together all the time so they could only share the same story.

Is this what happens when all the children have grown up? My parents are currently experiencing the empty nest syndrome. I knew this when heard mom and dad cracked a joke when they drove me to the hospital for duty one morning. A joke that made me ponder about my future. There are four of us in the family, only one got married but now, my parents are left on their own. They were joking that they will be once again childless come dinner time. I jokingly answered that they still have their youngest child with them. I suggested that they could let our dog , who feels and thinks that he is a human being and a part of our family, sit at the dinner table with them. They both gave out a good laugh. Well, at least i was able to lift their spirits up in a way.

As i walk away from the car, i realized that having four children in the family is not enough. For when everyone grows up, noone will be left at home. Does this mean that i would want a bigger family if i'll have my own? Nah! What i only wanted to say is that, even if i would have a dozen kids, i too would want to have a dog. Why a dog? It doesn't go to school, therefore, need not be away for a board review thereby, can't find a job that might render it to go on a 24-hour duty at the hospital. Also, dogs dont get married and leave home. Yep! I would want to have a dog.hehe

Burger! Burger!

I was all prepared for duty today. Have to sleep a bit earlier last night just so i could have enough sleep in preparation for today. My scrubs and the next day clothes were in my duty bag. Programmed myself that today's another "attack mode day." Wore my most comfortable clothes. An outfit ready for "battle". Woke up earlier than usual and off i went with my big duty bag to the hospital.

As i entered our conference room, all my co-residents were all eyes on me. It seemed as if they were asking me a question until all of them made a very good laugh. I was still in wonder not until another asked me what that big duty bag i was carrying is for. I AM NOT ON DUTY TODAY! Toink! Reality striked me in the face. Actually i was never aware that i am not supposed to go on duty today. I never look at our daily schedule. I am aware that i should go on duty every 3 days. I didnt realize though that tomorrow's another month and there will be change of services in the wards so the change in the schedule.

Whew! So what happened after they all laughed at my early morning bloopers? Everybody chanted the famous commercial line...BURGER! BURGER! BURGER!

Who's To Blame?

At around 9:30 in the morning today, i discovered that my fone's not picking up any signal from my network. I was at first thinking that it's a sign that i'm really needing a new phone aside of course from the reason that my fone's joystick has been sending my sms' to the wrong recipients because of its "auto-select" feature.hehe Have to ask my co-residents who are also SMART subscribers to check their fones. They all too didnt have any network coverage. I wasnt alone at least - yahoo!

What i was expecting however as a transient phenomenon that could last for only an hour the most turned out to be a test. A test for someone who's become dependent to the wonders of text messaging and celfone calls. My work basically is dependent on referrals and the celfone is one of my gadgets aside of course from my stethoscope. In short, i was "out-of-this-world" for the whole day. I couldnt receive any messages or calls nor can i make a call or send some texts. Even if i have my suncellular line with me, i couldnt text to other SMART subcribers too. This explains my "silence" for the whole day and not that i was timid to reply.hehe Anyhow, i managed to survived the day. I too on my part experienced peace and quiet after not receiving any referrals through texts.

What we were thinking at first as SMART's way of protest, after the issue of "free text messaging" came out, turned to be this: news here

Okaaaaay, the network didnt explain the cause of the damage. Irregardless of the cause though, it seems that SMART and PLDT subscribers are told to - "Blame the cables people! Not us! Not us!"

I Don't Believe in Marriage

These past few months are quite turbulent for me. Not that i have a lovelife to worry about but i have lovelifeS (take note...with an "S" meaning it's plural) to ponder and pray upon. News and updates of break-ups, annulments and separations bombarded me. Some lasted for a year the longest was more than 15 years. How the hell can relationships last for 15 years and suddenly went on pffft? I could accept the lame excuses in break-ups of boy-girl relationships. To absorb and to understand however an annulment or a legal separation is quite difficult for me...much more if it involves the children of the estranged couple.

I felt so sorry for my friends. I felt sorry for their kids. What happened to the love that developed during the pre-nuptial stage? Why can't the couple who vowed to be together for richer or for poorer...in sickness and in health and the other conditions-til-death-do-them-part thingie, hold on to their commitment?

These things that are happening around me made more cynical about marriage. It's not that marriage scares me more than death or it sounds like a death sentence to me. Fact is, i just dont believe in my capacity to hold on and to stand on a lifetime commitment. Modern philosophers who assume the characters of "friends" would defend me that maybe, i am just too idealistic. Too afraid to commit with the wrong person. Hmmm...why the hell are they considered "friends" anyway if they dont know the real me? Their argument? "If i am afraid of a lifetime commitment, why did i become a doctor? Being a doctor is a lifetime commitment and this title is marked on "doctors" even to their graves." They're right i suppose. I still am cynical about marriage though on the folllowing points:

1. It's not an assurance that a relationship could last.
2. It's not a security that the love will never die out.
3. It's not the bond that could maintain families.
4. It's not even a comfort that the other party will remain loyal to the other.
5. It's not even a proof that the person you got married with really loves you.
6. It's not just a simple "i do" ceremony...you have to deal with the entourage, the church, the reception, the florists, the studios, the band, the guests...in short, you dont just have to say "i do" but "i do HAVE MONEY for all of these."

After sharing my point and reflecting on the other relationships around me, i could say that now, the more that I DONT BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE. Yep! I really do. (Go Spinsters!) Seriously, why the hell should you get married, spend bucks for the ceremony and eventually spend hundreds of thousand for annulment? Crap! Plain crap. Why not just go on domestic partnership and leave the relationship when you feel strangulated? Simple as A-B-C. Is this me talking or my alter ego?

Curling up my tail and hiding my horns, seeing my parents still together for 31 years despite some misunderstandings that they were always able to patch up, or old patients who still care for each other in sickness and in health, i started to give justice on MARRIAGE. It's not marriage that i should believe or blame upon. Rather, i must believe or blame the couple who created the bond. Marriage too is a victim of circumtances. It's the human component of marriage actually that determines its falls and its success. The same human component that made the commitment that it is supposed to last for a lifetime. Now, you know why i dont believe in marriage. For marriage is just a noun and got no mind of its own. It's the husband and the wife who are the main actors who determine its ending...may it be a tragedy or a happily-ever-after.

I realized that i must never be sorry for my friends who got separated. I just have to blame them...hehe Nah! I just have to believe them in the decisions that they have made. That they are mature individuals with minds of their own...and so am i. Actually, the mind that tells me that i do not believe in marriage is still the same mind that tells me that it believes in ME. The ME who was created by the bond of a newly-wed couple exactly, 31 years ago. The same couple who inspires me that like them, i too am capable of preserving my relationship not just for 3 decades but more.

To my Tatay and Nanay, Happy 31st wedding anniversary. You continued to show me how to love fearlessly and unconditionally.

A Late Mother's Day Post

This is a very late mother's day post...thanks to pldt dsl...i was able to upload the video 2 days after...hehehe Anyway, here's a little something for my mom. My way of saying how proud i am of her. Ok, ok, my mom is in that Avon commercial...so as not to give away everything though, im not telling where she is in this commercial.hehehe For friends who know where i am based however, there's a clue there somewhere.=)

I need not enumerate the things that make me proud of her. All i know is that i am the person that i am now because of her. At her age, she kept reaching for her dreams too without compromising her family's welfare. Well, my mom's not just a "celebrity", she's Super mom too for me. Belated happy mother's day, nanay!=)

It's Not Just Morphine

I had a patient who became morbid at the ICU last night...err i mean early this morning because that was almost 2am. Female, in her late 70's, admitted as a case of acute myocardial infarction. To make matters worse, she too has an aortic aneurysm. She's like a ticking time bomb. Ready to explode - anytime.

She had another episode of epigastric pain early this morning. It could be the aneurysm or could be another episode of myocardial infarction. Either way, both could cause her demise. I requested for a repeat ECG and her heart rate were running like horses - way above normal. Could be due to pain. No, but no for there were new changes in her ecg. She was having runs of ventricular tachycardia. Vital signs were quite unstable. The defibrillator was prepared at her bedside. She was anxious. She was in pain. She actually bid me farewell. She's tired of the fight and she wanted to rest so she said.

From my previous duty at the ICU, i met her husband. Ive seen how he took care of her. Ive seen how he was so anxious and afraid for her. I havent seen him though the whole night. For his sake, i tried to encourage her. She cant go unless he's there beside her. She has to let him let go of her. I asked one of the relatives to call him wherever he was. Unknown to me, he was just outside, resting. Might have been tired from attending to his patient for quite some time now.

While waiting for him, I sedated my patient to alleviate her anxiety. She still was restless and in pain. So I gave her a small dose of morphine. Five minutes had past and yet the pain was persistent - she claimed. Then he came. He held her wrinkled, old hand. He touched and caressed the area where she pointed to be very painful. He kissed her forehead. He was whispering words to her that i couldnt hear. Must have been words to encourage her. She kept quiet. Ive seen how she transformed into a meek baby in the comfort of his arms. She then fell asleep. Her heart rate went back to normal. Her vital signs stabilized. I felt like crying. Maybe i was relieved that her condition stabilized or it could have been more to the sight in front of me. She's comfortable, asleep and no longer in pain. I dont think it's just morphine. It's more than morphine. It's him.

Ahhhh love. I have this soft spot for old couples who still show affection to each other. It might look odd to see old people kiss yet there's thing that i couldnt explain deep inside of me. Saw her very comfortable in his arms. Witnessed how he cared and stood for her in her sickness. All these, removed all my fears. Ive got a morphine in my pocket and i hope that it will stay with me until i grow old, sick and wrinkled.

Why a Lifesaver

I didnt have to answer the usual question that's being asked of an incoming medical student when i was about to enter my alma mater. The "Why do you want to become a doctor?" question was obviously not tackled since the panel were too excited to ask me about my undergrad school instead (a sister school of my med school).

As i breeze through residency training, i was starting to find answers to this question. Answers like to "treat the sick" or "serve the poor" are i guess a cliche. Since im also having my training in a government institution, obviously, these answers seem like shouting at me.

Aside from these, why did i really become a lifesaver? I didnt have dreams of being a superhero. You know, saving other people's lives through a dramatic, action-packed way. The innate autism in me would prefer a more discreet way of doing such like being a physician. Treating the sick, keeping them alive. Before ive wanted to save lives though, there must be another reason why i wanted this kind of life.

They say that one's decision in life is influenced by his/her past experiences. Experiences that are sometimes hidden in our subconscious mind. Experience also tells me that my greatest fear in life is...eeek....not commitment...it may run 3rd. Not even getting hurt in a relationship for it only runs second. My greatest fear is not even death itself rather, losing a loved one through death.

Yep! I discovered this just recently. Ive had experiences of loss when i was younger. That of of my grandparents, pets and friends. I felt the gaping hole created by one's absence. I felt the fear of not seeing the dead loved one anymore...not ever. I thought that ive become numbed to all of these. NO, but no for at present, I still cry over a death of a patient. Actually, it's not really the patient whom i am really concerned about when he/she dies - heaven knows better than i once he/she has crossed the tunnel of light. I am more saddened and concerned with the relatives who are left behind. I still couldnt stand those wailings and crying spells. My heart breaks and my spirit gets dampened. Ive been in their shoes and i fear being in their shoes again.

So here i am, taking the path to lifesaving. I am not god, nor am i playing god. I just wanted to the best of my abilities and knowledge to save a life...to see a happy family in return. I dont even want to change the fate of another being. I just wanted to take part in extending one's life. Death is inevitable of course. Medical school did teach me to predict it and to fight it. My current training however has taught me to fight it with passion and to accept it once everything's been done, with serenity.

30 THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR

After my 30th birthday, i realized that i've been posting about the things that i would want in life. I didnt realize not until my day ended last night that there are a lot of things that i must be thankful for. For my 30th year of existence, i couldnt help but be thankful to the great architect up there for painstakingly planned every detail of my life. I feel so humbled, so unworthy. The horns and tails that ive grown as i grew older in years felt misplaced. It seemed as if they dont belong to where they are growing right now. So for tonight, no matter how allergic i am to preachy posts or people, let me, just for now, enumerate the things that i am very thankful for. Give me a break! It's my birthday! Err, a day late maybe. It's my birth month still anyway.

1. The gift of family. - not all people are gifted with crazy parents and siblings like i do.=)
2. The blessings of friends - ive got a lot of friends but only a handful of very close ones who would die for me...im not really sure if they would really.hehe
3. A career i would never trade for anything - being a physician gave me the fulfillment that money cant buy. But i would trade places with the recent lotto millionaire.hehe
4. The best residency training im currently having - for me, my internal medicine family's the best.
5. Being placed in this crap hospital for training - i realized how blessed i am and i am trained in all aspect of my being because of the number of patients that i meet and the number of impossible and difficult folks to deal with
6. The schools i went to - this is not an advertisement for my dear alma maters. Actually, i only had 2: ETCS 1 and La Salle but they prepared me well.
7. My co-residents - as crazy as the family i grew up with. the reason why i blended with them...hehe
8. My consultants and mentors - whose examples and teachings will forever be etched in my young mind
9. My past senior residents - as crazy as i am too
10. My gift of expressing myself through written language - so this blog
11. My talent in psychotherapy - i didnt know i have one until a lot of people told me that i have it. Anyways, i turn out to be a part-time psychiatrist most of the time
12. My patients - they too served as my mentors
13. My patient's difficult folks - they developed my patience and tolerance to the most unlovable
14. Some difficult co-residents - i learned to deal with difficult colleagues and be able to survive a stressful life because of their presence
15. A number of unreasonable consultants - they're a good example of consultants that i must not become in the future
16. My interns - mentoring and supervising them also gave me the fulfillment equivalent to saving a life
17. My monthly salary - meager as it may be but im thankful that at least im withdrawing something from my ATM.
18. Hospital bonuses - at least i could afford some luxuryand treats for myself. Parlor visits, moviebreaks, coffee sessions and a refreshing body spa.
19. My reliable laptop, laffy taffy - after 2 years, it has been faithful to me
20. My bestbuddy and reliable celfone - include its camera
21. My ipod, silver snitch - it kept me company especially during my autistic moments
22. For coffee - it perks me up...more like a lifeline to my everyday job
23. For chocolates - they're first-aid for dementress exposure
24. For blogspot, multiply, friendster, facebook, etc - places i could express my autism and at the same time call myself a social being
25. For nature - the air that i breath, lush greens i can rest my eyes upon, cloudscapes that never fail to amaze me, seas that comfort me
26. For sunsets
27. For ym and smart - at least i could keep in touch with friends despite of my hectic schedule
28. For strangers and angels who walked with me in my life's journey
29. For the internet - without which i could never post this blog and announce to the world wide web how thankful i am for being 30!
30. For the occupant of the fourth chamber.=)

Milestone

A few hours from now, ill be celebrating a milestone. I'll be celebrating my pearl year! Okay, i used pearl so as not to make it so obvious when all i mean is that i'll be celebrating my 30th year of existence.hehe

Just like the ultimatum i made for myself years ago, i also made a wishlist for my 30th year - link here.

I've wished for things that i would want to acquire before i launch my independence. Therefore, time to check those things out and maybe, add a few more for my next milestone. Well, that would be 5 years from now - my emerald year.hehe

1. Laptop – well, this tops my list. Forget the stove, there are a lot of fastfood restaurants in town, but I couldn’t leave without this device. Blogs, reports, journals, games, internet, they are vital and part of my existence. Unfortunately, the money I’ve been saving for this one went to another project. I have a pc at home, but you couldn't bring this one to bed can you?

for this one, CHECK!

2. Queen-size bed – too impractical for someone who will be occupying a one-bedroom apartment or pad. Nevertheless, I love to sleep and I must admit that I love having a lot of pillows around me when I sleep. As of the last count, I have at least five pillows, the body pillow not included, in my bed. If I will be buying a bed fit for just one person, how can I let all my pillows fit? By the way, in case I don't have a laptop yet, maybe I could bring the pc to bed with me.

...i could make use of my old bed right now.hehe

3. CD Player, Radio, iPod (anyone?) or any gadget that could produce music – I sleep with the radio on. I start the day with music filling my room. When I am not in a good mood, music lifts my spirit up, drowns my tears and speaks to my soul.

CHECK!

4. Palm top – Already have one but I still need an SD card to expand its data storage capacity. I just love techie stuffs. Some of my files, palm version of my reference materials at work are all inside this gadget. When quite bored, games in this gadget are enough to entertain me. In case also that I don't have the player yet, I'll just contend myself with the mp3s I have in my palm.

CHECK!

5. Personal refrigerator – I need this for my leftovers. ....Hmmm still no budget for this.

6. Microwave oven – I need this to reheat my leftovers...hehe CHECK! I bought the one we're using at home...hehe

7. Television - I am not much into watching tv nor into watching movies at home (I still prefer watching movies in bigscreens). I just needed this thing to update me on our dying governance and economy. At the same time, I might need to hear other voices aside from myself. ...why did i wish for this in the first place?hehe no budget yet and no place for this.

I've got several things in mind that i would wish for the next 5 years...ooops i already talked about them in my 49 things. I dont want to repeat myself.hehe Besides, i still need a pad for all these things so why ask for more? For those with a kind heart, i accept cash, checks or the pad itself as a birthday gift....hehehe