Why a Lifesaver

I didnt have to answer the usual question that's being asked of an incoming medical student when i was about to enter my alma mater. The "Why do you want to become a doctor?" question was obviously not tackled since the panel were too excited to ask me about my undergrad school instead (a sister school of my med school).

As i breeze through residency training, i was starting to find answers to this question. Answers like to "treat the sick" or "serve the poor" are i guess a cliche. Since im also having my training in a government institution, obviously, these answers seem like shouting at me.

Aside from these, why did i really become a lifesaver? I didnt have dreams of being a superhero. You know, saving other people's lives through a dramatic, action-packed way. The innate autism in me would prefer a more discreet way of doing such like being a physician. Treating the sick, keeping them alive. Before ive wanted to save lives though, there must be another reason why i wanted this kind of life.

They say that one's decision in life is influenced by his/her past experiences. Experiences that are sometimes hidden in our subconscious mind. Experience also tells me that my greatest fear in life is...eeek....not commitment...it may run 3rd. Not even getting hurt in a relationship for it only runs second. My greatest fear is not even death itself rather, losing a loved one through death.

Yep! I discovered this just recently. Ive had experiences of loss when i was younger. That of of my grandparents, pets and friends. I felt the gaping hole created by one's absence. I felt the fear of not seeing the dead loved one anymore...not ever. I thought that ive become numbed to all of these. NO, but no for at present, I still cry over a death of a patient. Actually, it's not really the patient whom i am really concerned about when he/she dies - heaven knows better than i once he/she has crossed the tunnel of light. I am more saddened and concerned with the relatives who are left behind. I still couldnt stand those wailings and crying spells. My heart breaks and my spirit gets dampened. Ive been in their shoes and i fear being in their shoes again.

So here i am, taking the path to lifesaving. I am not god, nor am i playing god. I just wanted to the best of my abilities and knowledge to save a life...to see a happy family in return. I dont even want to change the fate of another being. I just wanted to take part in extending one's life. Death is inevitable of course. Medical school did teach me to predict it and to fight it. My current training however has taught me to fight it with passion and to accept it once everything's been done, with serenity.