Stoned

Stoned...this is what i am right now.
Blame the crap system for being responsible.
Gone are my emotions, gone are those tears.
Everything seems mechanical for me.
No longer emotional, softy, or too attached.
Hide those signs of weakness that makes me vulnerable.
Principles are stepped upon and ignored by majority if you let them be.
"Survival of the fittest," so they say.

In my quest for survival i have to develop a protective shell.
In my fear of feeling pain and loss i started to harden.
In standing my ground, i learned to be brave.
In fighting for my right, i learned to be more assertive.
In my goal for excellence, i abhored mediocrity.

In this crap institution i am in, life became a constant struggle.
I am dealing with other people's lives and i feel so responsible for them.
Yet, how can i practice what's ideal when the government provides us with nothing?
How can i fight for life when my patients themselves are pathetic in saving their own lives?
How can i help others who are too hopeless to help themselves?
In a set up like ours, the practice of what's ideal remains in the confines of our books. Everything's just plain crap here.

As a result, life passes through my hands at a speed i couldnt imagine.
Death is as normal as breathing.
If i am not stoned, where will i find myself then?
If i wouldnt fight, where will my ideals go?
If i am placed in a different institution, will i feel the same way?
If i would leave this place however, who shall fight for them?

This Too Shall Pass

I dont know how to describe what i feel right now. Little things tend to irritate me. I am transforming into an old, grouchy, grumpy, spinster i never ever dreamt becoming. I feel that the people and the world around me are crap...all crap. I seem not to find pleasure in whatever that i do. Actually, I am too timid to move and do something. My room's a mess, my working table looks like a tsunami-disaster-area yet, I have no interest in fixing things up.

I wanted to be alone with myself, away from the people, away from the noisiness of this city. In other words, i just want to get lost. I am once again in my self-induced depression. Even blogging isnt at all interesting. I wanted to post this for i just want to let this thing out of my system. Tsk..tsk..it is this time of the month again that im having that hormonal surge. Why on earth am i experiencing this monthly PMS? I just wish i have a 6-month menstrual cycle!

Writer's Block

It seems that i'm quite uninspired these past few days. Things that have been happening to me were not that extraordinary that's worth writing about. Maybe, i should say that i'm still in this writer's block-mode. My creative juices might have dried up because of the summer heat. There's just one thing that could describe what i feel right now though. I think Alanis could describe it well for me...=P

HAND IN MY POCKET (Alanis Morrisette)

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"Hand In My Pocket"

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five


I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

What Lies Ahead

Well, i havent posted a blog for quite some time. Blame it on my writer's block (if i do consider myself a writer), or blame it on my current status. Yep! Not that i am preoccupied with whatever (like lovelife as what you might be expecting) aside from my current residency training. Actually, it's the residency training still that consumes much of my time. With great power lies great responsibility as what they say. I have posted in my previous blog that i was expecting for an April fool's joke when April started. I was informed that i am to assume a senior resident position at 2nd year. Thus, going on duty as a senior caused me to be more voracious with my readings...even if i have a difficulty doing it.

At this time, i am quite worried about the next year. What lies ahead of me? No senior to refer to, the last in the heirarchy. Our chairman emphasized just this morning that what puts us in the upper ground over our juniors is our knowledge. Im wondering if i have such knowledge to assume the upper ground he was refering to. I must never let my eyes off from my books! Goodness to this extent? Exaggeration as it may sound but i can feel the burden.

God, im dealing with lives here. I know that i need to read and i must read. Goodbye netsurfing, goodbye friendster, goodbye blogging, goodbye chatting...is that it? I just hope that whatever lies ahead of me, i still could breath fresh air. I could say goodbye to all of these except for one thing...blogging's my air...i could never deprive myself of this commodity.

It's My Life

Im just currently amazed with the idea of posting videos of my fave songs in my blogs. This is also another way of saying...geez, im currently in my writer's-block-mode. I think i need more inspiration. No wonder...patients kept on coming for admission - to inspire me!

For my renegade-mode, here's the song that keeps me going.=P

IT'S MY LIFE (Bon Jovi)

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Cheers to the 28 Years

I might have missed the annual videoke birthday session but my 28th year birthday would be considered a memorable one. Not because i received a lot of threats from friends, relatives and even consultants that if i dont commit myself with someone at this time, i just have to prepare myself to sign up with the "Spinster Club." How many times did i hear people reiterating how old i am and still unattached? How many times today did i hear the word "la-on" (spinster)? My ears were too deaf to hear them. Should everybody be involved and get into my own lovestory?

Well, save for this one, there are a lot of things and people to be thankful for for today. Fanny Serrano for my make-up, James Cooper for my hair, Bausch and Lomb for my eyewear.... Seriously, just have to thank my family for really bearing me for the past 28 years and for the dinner treat. My co-residents for the non-stop chow sessions. My pupplet, for the chocolate cake though i am currently abstaining from chocolates (but i did eat a little...more!) Cris for the cake (chocolate torte) and for again tempting me to eat those chocolate toppings. Paolo for the lechon (i really forgot what he promised). Of course, my friends who never forgot to greet me: texts, calls, emails, etc and for the gifts. I might have remained awake until the wee hours of the morning thanking them back for the greetings yet the feeling that i am remembered overcame my sleepiness.

Goodness, what more can i wish for? For my 28th birthday, i wished for nothing. Partner in life? Nah! Better wish it yourself for me. They say wishes are answered when other people wish it for you. In my prayers, i no longer ask for something. I am quite contented with my life right now that "Thank you Big Dad" is all that i can utter.

Ripple Effect

Another miracle again happened in the mass tonight. A miracle that in a Sunday mass at a from-duty status, i didnt fall asleep. Was it just because the priest left his pulpit and stood almost right in front of me? Maybe i was way too conscious to do some "headbanging" again during mass for someone who knows me from the backseats might see me. Seriously, the homily today just got me. I was all ears during the homily and almost released my tear dams during communion. Tsk..tsk...recollection songs like "Lead Me Lord" really would touch my heart.

Yep, i did find my purpose in this hospital i am in. I could remember however those times when i found all my efforts so futile. I was in the verge of depression thinking that the things i was doing were nothing. The homily tonight however affirmed one thing. I just have to keep on going. Finish what i have started. The little kindness that i was doing wasnt just nothing. It could be likened to the tiny drop of water creating a ripple in the ocean.

I am not planning to deliver a homily here. What im just trying to say is that, in times when i needed strength, the Great Architect knows how to send me some. He always seem to tell me to continue being a tiny drop in this vast ocean i am in. Even a minute drop of water could create a ripple, disturbing the calmness of the water.

The little kindness that i could give to single patient of mine might not be of value to me. Little did i know that this little kindness could go a long way - the ripple effect as the priest would describe it. For my 28th birthday, i know that i have not done great things. I still am the ordinary yet toxic resident doctor in a government institution. I still am the girl who have pms and tantrums from time to time. I still am the sleepy housemate. I still am the both stubborn and obedient daughter. I still am the elder sis who's both strict and crazy. Still the old friend but now forgets birthdays (ooops). I still havent started world domination. Not even started to create my own memorial foundation. All i know is that at least, my little act of kindness is a big gift to someone needing it best. My little goal for my 28th year? To continue extending this little kindness even to one person, everyday. I know this wouldnt just make someone happy. I know that i would be pleasing best that Someone i owe the whole 28 years im enjoying.

April Fool's

It's my first day at work after my so-called forced leave. Was full of energy, full of enthusiasm, full of life for my duty today. Was just surprised to know however upon reaching the hospital that starting today, the 1st day of April, i'll be going on duty now as a senior resident. For the whole 24-hours, it'll just be my 1st yr co-resident, the junior interns, the post-graduate intern and me. No more senior to refer to, all referrals end with me. I was expecting that this was a joke. Can i take such big responsibility? Can i handle all referrals that will be thrown at me? My seniors would definitely not allow this kind of set up this early. I'm just in the 4th month of my 2nd year training.

The whole day, I was expecting that i could hear..."Gotcha cel! April fool's!" Well, it's already the 2nd, April fool's over, it's 3 in the morning yet i heard not this punchline. Reality check, I'm really going on duty as a senior resident now. What to do? What to read? How would i act?

Nah! Proper question is, "What more can i do?" Now that i've plunged in and all wet, i just have to enjoy and swim. Besides, if i really am determined to be an internist, an Internist is always ready...and even if she is not, she will try her best to be.