Tuesday, December 06, 2005

True Blue Renegade

This day's almost over for me. Of course, to wrap this day up, it's blog-time! Now that my old pc has risen from the dead (thanks to the pc technician turned magician, for the effort), i already have the convenience of having a pc in my own room. Journal writing is really now out of my system. Instead of writing in that notebook that i'm keeping under my pillows, i just have to go on line and type my thoughts. One disadvantage with this though is that there's still this feeling of not pouring out everything. I still go for journal writing - techie version. With too tired and too calloused fingers for writing, unpublished journals within the confines of ms word in my secret files would do.

I had my 530 habit again at bo's coffee shop with colleagues this afternoon to wrap up my day. Should have learned from previous experiences that i must not take caffeine when i'm from duty - mocha froccino's too tempting however. As a result, i'll have to wait for caffeine to wear off until the wee hours of the morning when i'm expected to be sleeping making up for lost sleep from my 24-hour duty.

Our topic for this afternoon's 530 habit was about being a "true blue renegade". I've been talking about the word "renegade" eversince. Consulting encarta about renegade's definition, i found this: 1. traitor: somebody who abandons previously held beliefs or loyalties; 2. rebel: somebody who chooses to live outside of the laws or conventions of a group.

Traitor? Rebel? Haha both have negative connotations. Nevertheless, after one year of residency training, i still would consider myself a "true blue renegade". My seniors witnessed my transformation from a "fence-sitter", who couldn't make up between blacks and whites, to someone who learned how to assert her mind. When you're into training, when the life of another person (in my case, my patient's) is what's being talked about, when your prc license (that you've worked terribly hard for) is involved, you really can't help but to speak out and stand for what you believe in.

My being a renegade, with it's synonym of being a "traitor", is in relation to the old me. I am...er "was" someone who hate arguments to the point that i became passive - not to the extent of being apathetic. The more that i get to know my capacity and the larger my responsibilities, i can't stay being passive all the time. As a result, I "abandoned" my passivity. Heck for arguments. I just have to stand for what I believe is right and for what i believe is good for my patient or for other people.

Being a "rebel" on the other hand is in relation to this institution i am currently in. I know how government institutions run but i never experienced it. After one year of residency training however, i have been exposed to the people and to the system of a government-ran institution. I discovered how inadequate our government is, how crap the system that runs this hospital is, and how immature the people who run this hospital are. Yep! despite of their age. As a result, i learned not to be absorbed by the system. I learned to stand on my principle and not to abide with what most people of this institution believe is "acceptable." I'm just thankful I've got intact values and principles (thanks to my parents and to my alma mater..hail! hail! alma mater!hehe)

I am not self-righteous. I'm not a people-pleaser either. I don't run for a position and i neither wanted to gain more friends for I believe in genuine friendship not in fleeting acquaintances. In short, i might make enemies in my transformation of being a renegade. Other people might abhor me for standing for what i beleive in. Heck, gone are the days that i have to please everybody. I may be a renegade, but i know how to make compromises. Betterment of the majority is what i uphold best. As what a senior renegade of mine have been reminding me, "it's not the number of friends that you make that counts but the number of people you've done good with." Well, despite of being a renegade to my old self, i still am loyal to my principle that in the finale of my existence here on earth, what matters most is my relationship with my God and not how sweet my name was to other people.

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