Weirdest Thing

I love bears...ive got lots of them as stuffed toys. Tonight, i just knew the reason why. Gives me the goosebumps actually. For non-Harry Potter fans, a patronus is a "guardian".

What is Your Patronus? Version 1

Your Patronus is the Bear! The bear is a symbol of gentle strength, instrospection and dreaming. He is a very powerful symbol in Native American beliefs. As your Patronus, the bear will use all of his strength to defend you. Congratulations!That your Patronus is a bear says that you are a dreamer. You have a quiet inner strength that reveals itself when you need it most. You are also rather introspective. Try not to focus too much on how you are inside at the present moment, but on how to improve it, and you will be a great witch or wizard!
Take this quiz!

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I Can Cook...That's All

Was home early today. It's an unspoken rule that whoever comes home first, he/she have to cook the rice. Our helper goes to a night school. She cooks the food for dinner before she leaves. Except the rice of course because even if it stays in the rice cooker, it still is not good to eat by the time that we eat. So much for the introduction. Let me now go to the gist of the story.

Did i ever reveal in this blog that im a mermaid? Hmm, i mean i dont eat fish...the big ones i mean. I could eat any fish smaller than a bangus even if it's dried. The reason? Fish are friends...not food. Seriously, im scared of bigger ones. I have this mentality eversince i was young that they eat humans. Well, it's not that i still believe this until now. It's just that i cant stand their fishy smell. That's all.

As i was about to cook rice, i saw that our helper left with a "fish meal". Meaning from the sabaw to the "dry" meal, they're all fishes! All big fishes! A big EEEeeeew too from my part. I skip dinner most of the time but not tonight for i didnt have snacks before i left the hospital.

Mom has been telling us that in order for us to survive, we must learn how to cook - at least our favorite dishes to be exact. I know how to cook and based from the judgement of others, i am a good cook. This after i threaten them should they say anything bad about my cooking. Must have gotten this from dad. He cooks the best tinolang manok in this part of my town...and bakaretas, and turbo-broiled chicken..and..sheesh im getting hungry.

Anyway, asked my sister to buy a chicken on her way home. Was planning to turbo broil it dad's way. I dont know how he mixes the spices, but i marinaded it my way. Stuffed it with lemon grass and some salt and spices, layered it with salt, basil leaves, pepper and what-have-you's spices from the pantry. Saw a can of evaporated milk too and off it went into my marinade.

Then i placed it in the turbo broiler. Twenty minutes passed and i could see little improvement in my chicken skin. Impatient that i am and hungry at that, i heated the gas oven and eventually transferred my chicken there. So a previously turbo broiled chicken came out of the oven as a baked chicken after another 20 minutes.

I made some gravy with my marinade adding stuffs that i could see within my perimeter that i guess are edible. Basically, i came out with a gravy made of marinade, butter, hot sauce, brown sugar and flour.

Verdict time came. I made sure that my family was famished when i served my dish. This is the technique....hehe Kidding. Overall, the best comment came of course from the chef par excellance of our household - dad! "Namit!"(tastes good!)

Mom delivered the unwelcomed comment however. "Namit! Pwede ka nang mag-asawa." (Tastes good! You can now get married.)

What reaction can she expect from her cynical daughter? No other than a smirk and several paragraphs of negative reactions.

Mom, i can cook! Period.

My Living and Last Will

A few months ago, i remembered posting about my 49 things. I'm starting to eliminate things i can do for now, so here goes my so called last will - blog edition. Meaning, these are just the stuffs that i could share with others. For the rest, maybe you'll get to read this when I'm dead.tee-hee

Before anything else by the way, let me enumerate a few things that i would wish before i die. In other words, before this last will gets executed - here goes my living will.


LIVING WILL

I, ____my name______, of ____earth______, being of sound mind, do hereby
willfully and voluntarily make known my desire that my life not be
prolonged under any of the following conditions, and do hereby further declare:

1. If I should, at any time, have an incurable condition caused by any disease or illness, or by any accident or injury, and be determined by any two or more physicians to be in a terminal condition whereby the use of "heroic measures"or the application of life-sustaining procedures would only serve to delay the moment of my death, and where my attending physician has determined that my death is imminent whether or not such "heroic measures" or life-sustaining measures are employed, I direct that such measures and procedures be withheld or withdrawn and that I be permitted to die naturally. Should i also add that intubations and cardiac compressions will in a way only destroy my pearly whites and break my sternum- the reasons for my choice of no heroic measures. Oh, not to mention those stinky ambubags that will be used for the intubation will do me more harm than good.

2. In the event of my inability to give directions regarding the application of life-sustaining procedures or the use of "heroic measures", it is my intention that this directive shall be honored by my family and physicians as my final expression of my right to refuse medical and surgical treatment, and my acceptance of the consequences of such refusal.

3. In the event that ive become already a corpse, i would want my mom to do my make up. No make ups from any funeral parlor that was for sure used to other dead people be applied on me.

4. Should my family and friends wish to have a wake for me, i wanted my coffin closed. I don't want people to comment on how peaceful or not i might look, or on how i gained/lost weight. In other words, i don't want others to see me when I'm dead. Geez, imagine how uncomfortable you could get inside a coffin.

5. I would want to be cremated and my ashes be given to my family and friends who would wish to keep a fraction of it. I don't want to be buried 6-feet under and be feasted upon by maggots and decomposers...ewwww!

6. I am mentally, emotionally and legally competent to make this directive and I fully understand its import.

7. I reserve the right to revoke this directive at any time.

8. This directive shall remain in force until revoked.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereto set my hand and seal this _____ day of __________, 20___.

Signed: __________

Declaration of Witnesses The declarant is personally known to me and I believe him to be of sound mind and emotionally and legally competent to make the herein contined Directive to Physicians. I am not related to the declarant by blood or marriage, nor would I be entitled to any portion of the declarant's estate upon his decease, nor am I an attending physician of the declarant, nor an employee of the attending physician, nor an employee of a health care facility in which the declarant is a patient, nor a patient in a health care facility in which the declarant is a patient, nor am I a person who has any claim against any portion of the estate of the declarant upon his death.

Signed: _____________

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT


KNOW ALL MEN BY THESE PRESENTS:

I, ____my name (you know me - need not state it here)____ , Filipino citizen, of legal age, single/married (still being pondered upon) to ___the keymaker___, born on the __3rd__ of ____April_______ , 19_78_ , a resident of __earth__ , being of sound and disposing mind and memory, and not acting under undue influence or intimidation from anyone, do hereby declare and proclaim this instrument to be my Last Will and Testament, in English, the language which I am well conversant. And I hereby declare that:

I. I desire that should I die, it is my wish to be CREMATED according to the rites of the Roman Catholic Church and my ashes be placed in an urn and be kept by my family. Friends who would wish to keep a gram or two of my ashes may feel free to ask some from my family.

II. To my beloved husband (should i die 20 years from now - meaning, i already got married by that time) _____the keymaker_____, I give and bequeath the following property to wit: my loyalty and love. These are the priceless possessions that i could leave you. We signed the prenuptial agreement, remember?;

III. To my esteemed children (hmmm ill be thinking of children's names here), Celine Angela Therese and Miguel Angelo Gabriel, I give and bequeath the following properties to wit: my half a century old stethoscope - in case you would like to follow my footsteps, and the indigent patients i treated and managed in the regional hospital. Include the beauty and brains that i contributed to your being. These are wealth that noone can steal away from you. For your school, clothing, allowance and real property inheritance, let me refer you to your dad's last will;

(this space is for my parents and siblings)

(this space is for my friends and a few relatives)

VI. I hereby designate ____name of executor_____ the executor and administrator of this Last Will and Testament, and in his incapacity, I name and designate _____________________ as his substitute.

VII. I hereby direct that the executor and administrator of this Last Will and Testament or his substitute need not present any bond;

VIII. I hereby revoke, set aside and annul any and all of my other will or testamentary dispositions that I have made, executed, signed or published preceding this Last Will and Testament.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto affixed my signature this ________ day of _____________, 2008, in ________________, Philippines.

_______________________________________
(Signature of Testator over Printed Name)

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I might sound morbid here. But hey, death is inevitable. I'm just a realist.hehe

Guilt-trip

This post is a day late. I was about to post this one last night but my broadband connection was having its fits. I was planning to shift to another company yet ive heard comments that its service is not good either. Another alternative company would even be worse than the second option. What the hell's going on with these telecommunication companies? Cant DOTC try to check them out from time to time if their subscribers are getting their worth? Dimmit!

Ooops, back to regular programming.

So yesterday was my "pamper-myself-day". A lunchdate was cancelled because of some changes in the duty schedule so i was lucky enough to spend the whole afternoon with tadaaaaan...MYSELF. Geeez, i miss myself. Eventhough i was an innate autistic, i really miss myself. I mean, i havent spent quality time alone with myself. Havent asked her how she's doing. I know she's in good shape but i failed to treat her out for quite a long time now.

After spending lunch with a friend (i find it awkward to eat all alone in a restaurant...maybe im not a 100% autistic all along), i decided to give myself a treat. I went to the parlor and had my hair and nails done. Everytime im doing this, i always go into a guilt-trip and i loved the idea.

A guilt-trip? Well, i made rounds in the hospital that morning. I came from a place where money was as essential as air in order to live. Majority of our patients are literally below the poverty line. Statistics say that these are people who are earning less than a dollar a day. So that's basically around Php 40.50 with the latest exchange rate. Others dont even earn a penny. In other words, they solely rely on divine providence. Divine providence coming from a neighbor, the social service, the nurses, or their overworked but underpaid doctors.

These patients also have a family to feed. In short if they are earning less than forty pesos a day, how can they buy their medications? How can they feed their family? Guilt-tripping then came into the picture. I recalled the money i spent for lunch. A little around Php 250. How about for my nails? For my hair? For the new blouse i bought?

I felt guilty for spending such amount of money for these stuffs when in fact a lot of our patients have nothing in their pockets. I felt guilty for saving on a macbook when these people im making rounds with everyday dont even have any penny to save.

Looking at myself in the mirror while my hair was being blown-dry, i put an end to my guilt-trip. Instead, i started to be thankful for these blessings im currently receiving. Yep! Ive missed myself much for i spent most of my time with these patients. I may indulge with some pleasures of pampering myself from time to time because im just compensating for the time ive spent going on 24-hour duties. I may be splurging my money on what others might consider as a luxury, but i guess myself deserves such treat after all the toxicities ive faced in the hospital.

You know what's nice with this guilt-tripping? It reminds me always to be thankful...to be contented. Also, the less fortunate patients around me were created for a reason. They're a constant reminder that im one person blessed with so much. In short, i should never let a petty concern (like my epileptic broadband connection), an obnoxious individual, a difficult person or just anything, steal my happiness away.

p.s.
I hope some of our corrupt politicians would go on a guilt-trip sometimes.

The Chamber of Secrets

I've been away from the blogosphere for quite some time. The reason is that i dont have enough trash to empty here. So a friend of mine suggested that i post something about my so-called LOVELIFE. Hmmm, is it edible?hehe Anyways, im a very private person (read: autistic). In short, i dont usually talk about this lovelife thingie. Anyways, here's a new year post as requested by you-know-who-you-are.hehe

To start with, this post might have something to do with my lovelife so im warning you this early that it might take you eons of years before you could understand my hieroglyphics. So i guess you'd better watch National Treasure 2 instead of reading this...Go Riley!hehe

Okay, i grew up as a normal kid. When i was younger, hmmm more than a decade ago, i was exposed to a lot of guys. You cant blame me. I was enrolled in a previously all boys school that turned coed when i was in highschool. So if some of you were wondering where all the guys went, then maybe they were in my school. I didnt tell you though that my parents were normal too. In other words, so long as when you're in school, having a boyfriend is a NO-NO. My mom's got a subtle way of telling me this though. It sounded like, im too young to focus my world on only one person should i commit that early. I must enjoy meeting other guys for who knows, i could meet someone better than him. Nevertheless, it still was synonymous to BAWAL ANG BOYFRIEND.

Obedient kid that i was, a smart-aleck too, i deviced something that would help make this condition possible. I created BOY BINS in my mind. Huwaaat? Yep! Boy bins. Im sorry to my dearest guy friends but i did classify you. I had 3 boy bins: the friendship, brotherly and boyfriend bins. Since im currently in the medical profession, i find these bins as outdated that i now call them as chambers. Like the chambers of the human heart. Since there are four chambers in a human heart though, i need to add one. To describe how each chamber functions might take a lot space so in a gist, here's how i categorized my guinea pigs...ooops no pun intended. I mean, the boys i've met.

1. Chamber of Friendship
- here's where most of my peers and classmates belong
- guys i could go out with until my Cinderella time who will drive me home safe
- any relationship that's not fraternal nor romantic ends here
- guys who attempted but failed to enter the boyfriend chamber end here
- they could share me their secret but i cant share mine
- could experience my pms fits and i could hurt them in a way, but since they're my friends, they chose to stay

2. Chamber of Brothers
- a chamber for a chosen few
- those who are protective enough not to let any guy come near me without passing their scrutiny - in other words, my self appointed screening committee
- those who know my weakest and with broad shoulders to offer during my drama takes
- immune to my parents' homing device - meaning mom's secure when im with them even if it's a several days of out of town trip
- the guys that my parents personally know and met
- in short, they too are immune to our guard dog - since they're the ones that i bring home - so our dog's familiar to them
- a sniff dog that i am in the past life, they dont feel awkward when i smell their armpits. Sheesh! when i do this it means that i am very comfortable with the person. If you feel uncomfortable with this, then you're not my brother...hehe Fortunately, those who are in here good smelling ones.
- immune to my pms fits too...a loving sister that i am, i am afraid to hurt them
- the only time that they might get hurt is when they would attempt to get out of the chamber and transfer to the next chamber im going to mention

3. Chamber of Boyfriends
- chamber for the guy of the future
- the chamber that's very difficult to enter - he has to pass by the chamber of brothers first remember?
- he did not just undergo my big brothers' scrutiny but my own scanning device as well - any glitch in the system would mean off to the trash bin...or the recycle bin if he has chances for change
- experienced all my pms fits and survived them
- welcomed by the bitch in me, entertained by my alter ego yet he endured
- prone to experience all the pain and heartaches that i could inflict
- the only one capable though of inflicting me pain too
- currently unoccupied

4. Chamber of Secrets
I built this new chamber recently. As i grow more mature in this so called lovelife thingie, i realized that i couldnt categorize men this easy. There are those who would cross the friendship bin and attempt to enter the boyfriend bin. There are those who are in the boyfriend bin yet are more deserving to be in the brotherly bin. As a result, i was just making things complicated. I tend to hurt others and get hurt too in the process because i hurt them. What did i just say? Sounded like a tongue twister to me.hehe

Little did I know that someone who can act all 3: as my friend, brother and boyfriend, does exist. The reason why this Chamber of Secrets was created. And as a very private person, here ends my story.hehehe

Thankful

Been planning to post a year-end entry early today. Yet my from duty status overpowered me that i have to stay in bed until late in the afternoon. Couldnt make an entry though when i woke up. Our helper's currently on a grand vacation that i have to help in the dinner preparation, especially that i invited a co-resident over. Well, this isnt too late yet i guess. Hmmm, actually, this would be too early for 2008. A supposed to be year-end post is now a welcoming entry.

As i welcome another year, i just cant help but be thankful for everything that has happened in the past year. Aside from the blessings of having a great family, friends and colleagues, I know that i have to be thankful too for the pain and disappointments that ive experienced. For the difficult and complicated people who spiced up my life and made it more challenging - this includes some patients and their folks. For the toxicities that ive experienced in my work - at least im not jobless.

This blog has witnessed all those whinings and rantings. As my emotional trash bin, it accepted everything that i hurl and pour out here. My thank you goes to those who read this blog too. Some of whom ive become friends with. I hope that you dont feel miserable or disheartened after reading my posts.

Another year has started and another journey has begun. There will be disappointments and pain again to experience. Difficult people to meet. Toxicities to get over. There's one thing that's constant in my life though that made these things negligible. Recalling all those good things and blessings that ive received for the past year, i couldnt help but be thankful to the Big Guy upstairs who always keeps His eyes on me. I dont want to sound spiritual here but His love kept me going and will continue to give me the strength for this coming year.

A blessed New Year everyone.

Autism Overdrive

Achooo! Sniff! Sniff!

After several weeks of being absent in the blogosphere, i guess this blog collected enough dust and cobwebs to cause me this allergic rhinitis. Whew! I need to clean up this blog before Christmas so this post.

Actually, it's not just the season that kept me busy these days. I may just be in my "autism overdrive" for i always find myself doing things on my own. Blogging excluded for of course it would mean that i will still be exposing myself to the blogosphere should i publish a post.

What kept the autistic me busy these days?

1. Uploading videos and albums to my new baby and editing my itunes library with album art included. Warning to parents: this gadget is not good for kids. If you dont want an autistic kid, better let him/her play patintero or tumbang preso with the other kids in your neighborhood.

2. Finished this book......and currently reading this one...

3. Experiencing the agony of Christmas shopping that as always would leave me drained, tired and disappointed. For the record, i still have a long list to finish. I dont know what's with me for i wanted to buy gifts that would remind me of the recipient. I am used to making personalized ones to my loved ones yet time wouldnt just allow me. Oh well, must be the reason why nature blessed me with some finances (im not computing my expenditures now...let's just say i was held up!) for i was deprived of time in return. By the way, been doing my shopping all alone. I really couldnt buy anything when im with someone. The reason why i included this in my autism overdrive.

4. Experiencing the agony of wrapping gifts. Who said that shopping is the only hard part here? Well, im an expert in gift wrapping actually. The hard part is, it's not just one or two gifts that i'm wrapping. The more gifts i'm wrapping, the more i'm reminded of my long existence. If only i were Uncle Scrooge, i may be spared with this gift-giving.hehe

Well, should i also mention that after the "responsibility and load" was lifted from my shoulders, i didnt have much trash to post here than the previous months? For the spirit of the season too, i avoided to post as much trash as possible.

There you go. If you'll excuse me, i still have a book to finish. Just would like to greet you guys a Happy Christmas!

Gone Braver

I have been longing to post this. I made sure though that i am calm and more objective once i do it. It has been three days since this thing happened and i guess im calmer now. Hmmm, i hope.

Three days ago, someone buzzed me about a certain letter. A letter of complaint from the nurses in our ward. A complaint against us - our department. I didnt react until i saw the letter itself. Petty complaints and issues that were already addressed to in the past. Obviously, that letter was made out of their sentiments - not objectively done. Problem however was that they were barking at a wrong tree. They kept on blaming our system when the problem is not about our system but theirs. The problem is about their lack of staffing, their shifting, their superior and themselves.

Alright, i must admit that there's a flaw in our system too. They cannot however just put the blame on our late rounds or even on our inability to sign the prescriptions. Heck! They're too petty compared to their apathy. What really angered me was that the complaint reached the chief of hospital when in fact, we could talk things out in our level. I have a lot of complaints against our ward supervisor and the nurses during my time as the chief resident yet i talked things out with them. Been wanting to file a complaint against them too but i was a bit kind maybe. Even my co residents were tolerant to them. We understood their load. We understood their toxicity. Yet look at what they did. Twenty one nurses signed that letter. We were not aware about the problem when in fact we see each other everyday. Not until we received that letter of course. When i confronted some of them about it, they simply reasoned out that they were thinking that that letter was an attendance sheet? WTF! Do you simply just sign your name on something you didnt read in the first place? Just because everyone else's were signing it, you think it would be safe to sign it too? Where's the so called principle there? Where's the so called bravery there?

There are two things that would really anger me. One is if you lie to me and the other is if you'll betray me. I felt both because of what happened. My anger has subsided now though. The reason why im posting this already. I still cant forget what happened however. For now, I would be contented to let that supervisor know how angered i was by what they did. We had a meeting with the chief of hospital and we wasted our precious time there talking about things that were supposed to be resolved already. I was a bit relieved though after i said my part. The thing that the supervisor and her nurses didnt expect to come from me, from us. I hope that they were enlightened by what they did. Passive, apathetic and selfish that they are, i believe their letter boomeranged to them.

Again, myself surprised me. My voice didnt crack when i was expressing my part during that meeting. Before, i couldnt express myself well when i am angry. I would break my voice or i might not be able to say what's on my mind. Goodness! Have i gone bad really? Our chairman tells us that we have changed all along. We have become more assertive, combative, or whatever. Rationalizing everything, i believe that being able to fight evil doesnt make one bad. Maybe, we didnt become bad after all. We only became braver.

49 Things To Do Before I Get Married

A lof of my friends have been posting their "things to do" before they die. On my part, i find marriage synonymous to death so the title. Dont get me wrong. I also want to get married. I even promised mom that i would just to assure her that her eldest daughter will never end up alone as a spinster. It would even be a double wedding. My parents' golden anniversary and my own wedding.tee-hee Oh, the reason too why i limited my list to 49. By that time, I will be 49 years old.

Have been keeping this list for a long time and actually totally forgot about it. My recent trip to Mindanao though allowed me to eliminate a good number of things in that list. Might as well post my own list here to immortalize it. At least it would be more convenient rereading it again here in my blog than flipping through the pages of that old journal of mine. Achoooo!

Those things in yellow? I achieved in just 4 days!
1. Go bungee jumping - soon!
2. Go Skydiving - someone promised me about this...hehe
3. Train in Neurology - hopefully
4. Train in US - still praying
5. Buy an Ipod - i needed it and just in time that i had the money for it
6. Get to Mindanao - been there! woohoo!
7. Tour around Asia - i hope im still alive next year
8. Own a house by the sea - just in case someone sells his/her place...hehe
9. Go to Disneyland - i would settle for the one in HK now
10. Publish a book - would having a blog be considered?
11. Compose a song - started with the lyrics but lost it!
12. Sponsor a scholar
13. Serve the Missionaries of Charity - when my schedule allows
14. Go to Calcutta, India - just to see what the place really looks like
15. Learn to drive - a real driving lesson
16. Own a car - from my own finances
17. Go to Batanes - please
18. Go out on a real date - i dont consider going out with someone as a date not unless he tells me that it's a date that were having...hehe
19. Do stargazing under the bora skies with someone special - done this before but i dont consider that someone i did this with as special...hehe
20. Travel with someone special
21. Send my parents to a vacation - i mean a grand vacation
22. Help send a sibling to school - maybe in summer, this entry will already be in red
23. Own a Canon SLR camera - hmmm, i wanted a waterproof cam too
24. Go parasailing
25. Be in two places at the same time - i was in the middle of bukidnon and CDO when we went rafting
26. Write my autobiography - hehe
27. Learn to swim
28. Learn to ride a bike
29. Go scuba diving
30. Make a compilation of my pictures of sunsets
31. Travel out of the country with my family
32. Eat baskets of strawberries with salt
33. Do someone a favor everyday
34. Learn another dialect
35. Learn another language - french, spanish, italian, im still thinking
36. Meet the pope - i was at first referring to John Paul II - now we have a new pope!
37. Go to Rome
38. Ride a helicopter
39. Live on my own - INDEPENDENCE!!!
40. Travel to new places on my own
41.Have a rooftop garden complete with landscaping
42. Buy my parents their golden wedding rings - bought them silver rings during their 25th year i hope i could buy them their rings on their 50th...=)
43. Go white water rafting
44. Put up a foundation - my memorial foundation?=)
45. Surprise someone
46. Touch a life - i believe im doing this
47. Write my last will
48. Fall deeply in love - with eyes closed...hehehe
49. Commit without fear - this isnt easy for a commitment-phobe like me.

Back From the Rapids

I have been absent in the blogosphere for a quite a long time. There are a lot of things to blog of course but i was just too busy with things and of course with my Cagayan de Oro trip. Who will never look forward to that first trip i'm going to make to Mindanao? Alone? In my 29 years of existence, it would be my first time to step foot in Mindanao. This served as a challenge for me.

Now, I'm back! Back from that challenge i tested myself to take. It was really a challenge for me for it would be my first time to be in Cagayan and i could barely understand and converse with their dialect. Not to mention of course the trip that i have to take in getting there. Bacolod to Manila, then Manila to Cagayan de Oro. Can you imagine the Visayas, Luzon, and Mindanao tour that i had? Good thing i have my baby with me. Silver Snitch, kept me company during my autistic moments.


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Aside from the fact that i will be stepping foot in Mindanao for the first time, i was looking forward to that White Water Rafting Adventure that CDO is very known of. I didnt have an idea of the schedule of the convention that i attended. To my surprise though, there was a half-day activity alloted for White Water Rafting! It was one of the experiences that i will never forget! That was also the time when i realized that i have yet to add another item to the things that i wish to have...a waterproof camera!

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My 4-day trip to CDO did not just give me the time to unwind and to recharge. It also gave me a lot of opportunities to fulfill the things that i wish to do before i get married. Well, i guess this deserves another entry!hehe

Calculated Risks

The deadline for my research paper is fast approaching. It's the 13th already. Nah, early morning of the 14th yet im not yet through with my paper. The deadline? The 15th! Woohoot! Cramming...cramming..panic button...adrenaline rush...whew! Why cant i feel them? Why is it that i have a feeling that the deadline be moved to a later date? Uh-oh! This cant be for i already received the guidelines for it the set deadline. It was clear in bold letters that the deadline would be before 12 noon of the 15th. Ive started my paper yet the vital information, that are my results ladies and gentlemen isnt done yet. Im still waiting for my statistician to email them to me. Problem however is that it's early in the morning already yet i havent received them yet. Nice one!

Shucks! Blunted sympathetics? I'm telling my heart to go palpitate. My brain to run and be anxious. Yet here i am posting this blog as if i have no deadline to beat. Great! Too confident that i could finish it by tomorrow (when i will also be on duty) or am i not just driven to finish the job? Too comfortable that i could get through the experience or am i just too lazy to even worry about it? Still have that trauma from the past about how unfair people here were. You give your best shot and yet it's unfairly judged. Might as well give them a mediocre work just so i could complete my requirements. At least i will not be putting pressure on myself, less expectations and disappointments on my part and i would even be making them happy if they get again the trophy.

Relaxed. No-cramming. Calculated Risks. I guess this is what im currently practicing!

Blog Clean Up 2

I am dead tired. Hokaaaay! How can the dead tired still able to post another entry? Let's say my body's dead tired but my brain isn't. For you see, on a Sunday, i came home late since i have to make rounds with my juniors. We had a strategic planning yesterday and we simply grabbed the opportunity of being away from the hospital for a day. In short, we started our rounds a little late than usual.

The mere sight of my bed caused loss of consciousness. I only realized that i fell asleep when i heard my phone ringing. Half-way between being awake and asleep, i answered my call. Only to realize that i was a bit disoriented. Definitely have to hang up and i was again back into dreamworld. My brother woke me up again for dinner though that i could no longer put myself back to sleep. I have to drag myself into the dinner table but the sight of food in front of me woke me up.

Quality time with my family. This i always remember. In short, no matter how tired i am, i have to have the energy to bond with my family. Talked about my activities for the past 24 hours that i was away from home like the experiences i had with my colleagues in our strategic planning. Yep! We had another strategic planning. It's nice that for the 2nd time this year, all of us in the department went out of the hospital to realign our objectives and ourselves.

The reason for my being tired is that i didnt not just spend time with my family but my colleagues as well. Twas nice to see that there are already 10 of us in my 2nd family. I now have new younger brothers and sisters whom i guess have adapted already to our system. Twas nice to see our department grow in number. At least there are now more people that our big boss could drink with.hehe Unlike when there were just 6 of us, we were a boring lot for noone really's a drinker in our group. Anyhow, last night's activity was culminated by a drinking session at the resort's garden until the early morning. We've talked about everything under the sun...from training, to future plans, to lovelife. Epppp, lovelife? We too are normal actually.

The whole activity ended over lunch courtesy of big boss. We were seated in a long table and it really was a nice sight with all 10 of us eating together with our core consultants and their families. The sight i'll surely miss when i'm going to leave this hospital. Geez! What's happening to me? Another attack of separation anxiety?

These are the things that money cant buy. The time you spend with the people you love cant be charged to your credit card. The joys you get from the conversations you have with them cant be written off by check accounts. This is the bonding that i guess i cant experience again in subspecialty training. Actually, sent an mms to our past chief resident and he was kind of jealous with the bonding that we have. With another past senior of mine too, they even called me up to ask about the recent happening. Just so i could share with them the experience they were deprived of during their time and the joy that i might feel, i made a videocall. They get to see my colleagues, our consultants, our new siblings, our whole family. I might find another family from a new set of friends or acquaintances but nothing could equal the experience that i have with my department. The reason too why i could withstand the challenges of training in this crap hospital.

I may be dead tired physically but the reason why im still up is that the experience i had was like an adrenaline that keeps me going. I really couldnt sleep if i dont blog it. In short, it's not just all trash that im pouring out here. I'm once again doing a blog clean up. Now that ive consumed all my adrenaline here, i might now be able to go back to dreamworld.

Loving Dolores

I've mentioned in my previous posts that our hospital is under a new administration. I even gave them names. So Dumbledore and Snapes were back to their homebase and we are left with Dolores Umbridge here as our chief. I called her Dolores for i could associate all those new memos she issued in the hospital with what the real Dolores Umbridge did. In attitude and character though, i guess they're just the opposites.

Yep! I'm finally loving Dolores. After the rest have left, she remained here. I dont know if it's an order that she has to follow or by freewill that she chose to stay. She's got a family in Manila and here she is, in a new place with a different dialect, all alone and without a relative. For a mother like her, what a big sacrifice it is too to leave her family for a work assignment.

The previous administration left her with a crap hospital that's full of debt and without a budget. Add also those personnel who were pro-previous administration (since they were given their monthly benefits before), who were rallying against her present administration. Well, these people should realize that after the several juggling of funds that the past admin did, the hospital is left with nothing but debt. Why dont we top this with ineffective and corrupt departments in the hospital? This, she has to investigate. This, she has to monitor, to rectify, to straighten out.

I started to love her when i attended the emergency meeting that she called. Ive seen how firm she was in implementing the rules yet she added a touch of humor in it so as not to appear bossy. She was able to warn the section heads about their inefficiencies in a manner that was not offensive. One thing that really moved me in that meeting however was when she got teary-eyed. I felt her sincerity in helping our hospital. The reason she cried was because she was so thankful to the consultants and specialists that we have here in the hospital. Consultants who are not paid for their services in training the residents yet they spent their time here. This i guess is also one of the factors that the media failed to see in this hospital. She cried because she saw the dedication in every doctor and nurse that she met. In return, she was inspired to help our dying hospital too after all the odds ive previously mentioned.

Why will i not love her? She's not a native of this place. She did not even grow old in this hospital. Yet, i felt her concern for this hospital, for us, for our patients. She has to sacrifice her personal life just for the sake of helping revive our dying hospital. I did not see this from the previous administrators that we have. Instead, they were too busy grabbing the throne. To think, these people are from here and were working in this hospital for so long yet all they did for this hospital were crap. Here comes Dolores. She's got not just brains here. The reason why i love her is because she too has a heart.

Wish Ko Lang

Took a break from my readings. Yep! Been reading recently. Uhmmm when i mean recently, i meant, TODAY. I started reading today. The serious reading that is, for tomorrow would be another gruelling diplomate oral exam day. Why just now? I know that being too busy with work and other stuffs would be an accepted and expected excuse but i'd rather say that i wanted to cram, so as not to sound boring.hehe So here i am, the crammer, took a break from my readings, peeked at the tv on what's showing and posting another blog entry.

Speaking of tv, i had another helping of this segment on national tv, the Wish Ko Lang (im not plugging here, ok?hehe). Among others, i loved watching this segment eversince. I guess it's about the idea of making wishes come true that made me drawn to it. Ordinary people living ordinary lives having simple wishes, made come true by this show. I must admit that i couldnt help but shed some tears everytime i see the recipients so surprised and happy once they get their wishes. Yep! Scenes of authentic happiness...tears of joy...they still move me. The thought that there are still a few good men existing on earth made me forget about those people i abhor in the hospital. Made me more optimistic about the future, not mine but our patients.

We have a lot of stories in the wards. A lot of lives with a lot of wishes. If one would be just interested enough in our every patient's life, you'll discover not just the history of his/her present illness but the story of his/her life. In a way, being aware of who they really are, also affects my management of their cases. I would be paying extra attention to those patients of mine who are breadwinners in their families or those who were neglected by their relatives or those who are living alone as spinsters. The breadwinners need to be saved and the neglected ones need to feel that they are given attention especially if they're dying.

If i'll be given an opportunity, i would be writing to Wish Ko Lang. Problem however is that there are a lot of stories to write. There are a lot of wishes to grant and it would take months or even years before the stories i'll be sending will be read. By that time, some of my patients may no longer be around. For now, as a starter, i'd rather buy a lottery ticket so that if ever i will be given a chance to win several millions, i'll be granting my patients' wishes on my own. Too bad, Fairy Godmother disintegrated in Shrek 3 - only if she's around.hehe

On Blogging

I am on duty and i am sooooo thankful that finally, after the nth time of calling our ISP's technical support number, we already have an internet connection at this time of the night here in the office. It's been almost a month that we've got no internet connection here after 5:30 in the afternoon until early in the morning at 6am. In short, those emotions that i would want to pour out in this blog during my tour of duty have to wait for the next day when i get home. Definitely not tonight. For i couldn't wait for another day to let this thing out of my system.

Today's just one of my less tolerant days. I really dont know why i seem to be this sensitive and irritable. My hormones are i guess now back to normal after i had my period, in short i'm not suffering from my monthly PMS this time. I'm scared to consider pre-menopausal syndrome but having an early menopause would be one of my differentials. I may be hungry this morning that i had a glucose shortage in my neurons which could explain my irritability. After my brunch however, i was back to an irritable me. Thanks for my talent in acting though. At least i was still smiling in front of my patients. Oh if you could only imagine how hard it is to act happy but irritated for no reason at the same time.

Maybe i just wanted peace and quiet but i had a hard time acquiring it. For you see, ive been wanting to be in my autistic mode since this morning. I dont want to be with people. I get irritated with their presence. I've been wanting to find peace and comfort in this chaotic environment that im currently in but i definitely couldnt. One, i'm on duty so i couldnt just disappear in an instance and leave my post. Second, I never ran away from my responsibilities no matter how unphysiologic i feel and this day is not an exception. I stayed, i endured, i acted, i covered up, not until the last straw was drawn tonight.

Junior, one of my junior residents pulled the last straw. He too was one of my subjects in this blog. Another irresponsibility on his part made me angry at him. Fact is, i am the most patient person left here for him. Unfortunately, he wasn't just in good timing. I reprimanded him for another blunder he has committed AGAIN. In short, twas not the first time and twas no longer an excuse for him to commit it again. Instead of being sorry though, this Junior showed me his bratty side by trying to fight back. Raising his voice and sounding irritable with his answers to my querries, I couldn't help but to show him my bratty side too! I am the chief here and i am his senior. I wouldn't stoop down at his level much so that i believe that i am right. We are talking about people's lives here and i couldn't let this thing pass without him realizing his mistake. Yet our brat here showed me his real self.

The brat in me couldn't help too but to show up. Not to mention the bitch in me who wouldn't care who i'm answering to so long as i'm sure that i am right. I will stand on my ground bullheaded that i am. I showed him who's bigger and stronger here.

With my anger, i felt like crying but i will never show these people here a single tear. Ive been needing a breath of fresh air since this morning that I took a walk in the hospital, made rounds with our patients and drowned what i was feeling in my interactions with them . Been wanting to blog earlier yet our internet connection was down. Didnt talk this out to anyone, not even to a closest friend. This is me, i dont share my crappy feelings with anyone. Dont want others to feel miserable too. In short, the old adage misery begets company never applies to me. Not unless of course you're reading this trash that you now have a share of what i feel.

Burning out. This is my diagnosis. After everything that happened today, i finally realized that i am burning out. At last, life has been fair enough today. For whatever power, our internet connection's back, take note, after about a month. Finally, i was given this opportunity to blog tonight. With this, i have one single reason to smile despite everything. I still am blessed after all! I too couldnt be more thankful than having this thought, that even in the absence of a confidante, there's this thing called Blog.

Autistic Mode Activated

The month's about to end and i'm having a mix of emotions. I feel excited that finally, i'll be turning over the biggest load i'm currently carrying. On the contrary, there are deadlines that i have to meet within this month and this is the reason why i wanted the time to run slowly.

I can feel the pressure from everywhere. Sometimes, i couldnt help but get irritated by simple things. This is not PMS of course. I've got a lot of deadlines and im pushing on the panic button now. There's this 2nd part of the diplomate oral exams, my research paper, the manual of the department that i have to submit, the upcoming strategic planning, etcetera, etcetera. Whew! Problem too for i dont have the drive to finish them.

I am just thankful that i was born autistic. Times like this, i just sit at one corner and activate my autistic mode. I'll once again open my art box, take those brushes, watercolors and stuffs. Turn my player on and viola! I'll eventually forget those pressures around me. I'll be able to rest my mind even for a few hours from the things that bother me. Ahhh life! Im grateful for watercolors and brushes for though i was not born an artist, they too are beneficial when i choose to be an autistic.

Enough Attention

I'm a self-proclaimed autistic. In short, i'm allergic to anybody's ATTENTION for the attention that im giving to myself is enough to sustain me. Actually, I still could share enough of my attention to anybody who wants it.

In my wish of being ignored and not paid attention upon, i realized that there are a lot of people who wished the contrary. That there are a lot of us who are lacking of it and are doing every means to have it. Knowing this made me think that i really have to pursue my business proposal. With this, i also learned to be thankful. At least i have something that a lot of people have been wishing for. However, i also realized that too much attention isnt good for autistics like me.=)

One Day at a Time

Despite of witnessing deaths happening almost everyday here in the hospital for the past 4 years, i havent gone numbed to it. I still am affected by our patients' deaths. I try to detach for a few minutes as i pronounce a death to the patient's family. Once i turn my back away from them though, i am already fixing an emotional bug within me. Im thinking of the family that the dead has left behind. Much so if it's a young family. With 5 or 6 young kids to feed and the dead is the breadwinner. Im thinking of the pain that the relatives have to deal with.

Death is inevitable. It's a reality actually. It could happen to anyone, at any time and place. What's sad however is that we only realize how real it is once it happens, once we experience it. By this time, it's already too late. We forgot to express what we wanted to say. We've forgot to savor the feeling that we're supposed to experience. We would be too late to realize that death has already taken the only life that we hold on to.

It would be sad to know too that not all of us are open about this topic. How other people find it uncomfortable to talk about it. As if it would be taboo to talk about your own death. I could only relate to a few friends actually. Some are too uncomfortable hearing me talking about my own death. Others would even think that im having some bouts of depression or suicidal ideation. They are mistaken.

For me, it's only when i started to think about my own death that i started to enjoy my life. For the past 29 years, it's just recently that i seem to have fully lived everyday. The idea that everyday may be my last makes me feel unafraid of everything. I would dare do things that i think would make me happy so long as it doesnt affect other people. Like even if it would make me happy pulling the trigger on someone that really pisses me off, i definitely will not do it. It will definitely affect other people. Like making the other gunman unhappy if i cleaned up the job first.hehe

Happiness is subjective so they say. I discovered that one way of experiencing it is to perform each task that you do everyday as if it will be the last time that you'll be doing it. I realized that it changes my perception on things. That there's nothing difficult or hard to do. Thinking too that i might not meet the person im talking with again tomorrow, made me more appreciative of the presence of others. Made me savor my time with them the more. Save of course for some people i wish i didnt encounter. Their presence would make me wish that they'll go ahead of me so that they could stop affecting other people's happy lives.

My acceptance of death may sound morbid for some. This however is the only way that i am also able to embrace life fully. Living my life as if it were my last. Fact is, i already assigned a close friend of mine to comfort my parents in my grave by telling them that im ready for it. It definitely freaked him out.hehe

BLOG CLEANING

Since it's a Sunday, i'll try to disinfect and clean up this blog from all my trash by posting a different entry. From now on, if you find yourself reading an entry that's rant and whine-free, then it only means one thing - BLOG CLEANING'S ON GOING.

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ON BEING GRATEFUL

Just came home from a seminary. For the weekend, we became a foster family to one of the seminarians in their immersion program. My sister and I heard about the invitation during one of those masses we've attended and it was so sad to hear that out of the 49 seminarians who are in need of a foster family, only 12 families signed up at that time. Since we've experienced adopting a seminarian a year ago, we asked our parents if we could adopt one again for this year.

So yesterday, i met him after i came home from duty. He's on his 4th year already. Quite talkative, and he seemed to be so at home already. I was thinking that maybe, they were trained to mingle with people. Little did i know about him until mom told me his story.

Ok, i shall give him a name. Call him Mar. His life is like a pang Maalaala Mo Kaya entry. Made me think that those stories on tv do happen in real life. He grew up in an orphanage. At age 3, his parents separated. His dad, a wife-beater. His mom, born from a rich family who eventually lost their riches. Just like the other rich kids, she didn't know how to cook or to fend for herself that out of need, she married his dad. Of course they couldn't stand each other that they have to part ways. There were two of them in the family. Mar was left with his maternal uncle. His mom brought his younger brother with her. During reunions or special occasions however, he could hear his relatives talking about his mom. The kind that he couldn't take. The kind that as a young kid, made him hate his mom for leaving him with his relatives. So at a young age of 10, he wanted to find himself. He left his uncle's family and he found himself in an orphanage. It's from this orphanage that's being run by a priest that he found family. Not the kind that there's a mother or a father figure though. This is from this orphanage where he grew up until he decided to enter the seminary.

I need not tell every details of his story. Maybe i could post another entry for him. Anyhow, what I'm just trying to tell myself is that, i have to be grateful for having this kind of family that i have. After meeting Mar and after hearing his story, i realized that not all people are given the chance to have a mom or a dad. Not all people have a family to gain support from. That there are people who basically live on their own. That no matter how independent i am, i couldn't picture out myself surviving without my family.

Mar was so grateful that he was assigned to our family. I'm more grateful though. His presence made me appreciate the little blessings that i have. His presence made me appreciate my family the more. My feeling of gratefulness was even more affirmed during the homily when i heard mass tonight. I could remember well the exact words of the priest:"Someone who's not grateful doesn't know how to look back: at people, at circumstances or experiences."

Looking back, there are a lot of people and experiences that i have to be very thankful of. I need not mention these here but basically, what i wanted to say is that i couldn't find ways of how to pay them back.The reason i guess why I'm in this crap hospital is because i feel that this is one way of paying back those people who have helped me all along. I'm here because i couldn't keep all those blessings I'm receiving to myself alone. Fact is, i don't think i'm innately generous. I just feel so obligated to give back to others the blessings that i receive. I'm not claiming that i'm kind or good-natured for i really am not. If i am, I'm no longer alive posting this stuff. Good people die young, right?

My Dream Work

MORBID POST AHEAD. STOP READING BEFORE YOUR PERCEPTION OF ME CHANGES.

I know and i feel how fulfulling it is being a physician. There's some point in my life however that i feel tired being one. In my autistic mode, i would dream of another job. Pardon me if i would sound morbid or gory in this post. This is definitely just a dream job ok? Not unless of course i would let this dream come into a reality then be afraid of me, be very afraid...hehe

Kidding aside, after watching the movie, The Brave One, my violent tendencies came alive. Not the criminal type of course. The vigilante in me who wanted everything else to be fair. Life's never been fair of course. Thinking however that there are still people out there who live out of other people's lives, people who are commensals, worst, parasites, i couldnt help but imagine that they'd be wiped out of this earth. Our justice system sucks! Ok, rephrase my sentence if it sounds offensive. Our justice system's like a slug. Now would this sound better? If our justice system would be this slow in serving justice to those who were aggrieved, it would have been better if there are vigilantes around. If it really is true too that our justice system favors the rich and the ones in power, then we'll be thankful if there are vigilantes in our midst.

Yep! I guess im already revealing what my dream work is. When i grow up, i wanted to be a VIGILANTE. A whaaaat? Okaaaay, a vigilante! Now, dont tell mom. Ironic how i could become a life saver by day and a vigilante at night. Hmmm it probably will be taking away the routine kind of life that i have. I will be saving a life that's worth saving by day, and be taking a life worth sending to hell at night. This would be fun!

After watching the movie, i guess i would also take an automatic rifle as my weapon. As a lifesaver, i know where to hit my victim and kill him with just one bullet. Problem however is if i could hit my target.teehee Definitely will practice target shooting. What with the number of cats roaming around our wards? Oh not to mention the relatives of Ratatouille who are as big as the cats. They are good targets for my practice. Practicing in our wards however is a no-no. It wouldnt be discreet. I guess i could go to a secluded place in town and practice shooting at the...hmmm moon? Ok, a can of milk might do.

Who's on my hitlist? Nah, i need not mention them. For my own safety, just in case there are vigilante's who are already ahead of me and who are also planning to exterminate these people, i will not give a clue. They might do the clean up, and since i, the dreamer, mentioned the names of these people in this blog, might be implicated for the act.

Sharing my darkest thought would be enough for now. So long as our justice system is as slow as a slug, i shall put a slug in someone's brain - should my wish be granted. So long as there are people in the position who are using their powers and positions for personal gain, i shall keep on dreaming. So long as there are abusive personalities: patients, their relatives, hospital employees or my colleagues, i shall never let go of this wish. So long as there are people who unfortunately mutated into parasites, i will hold on to that dream.

Conservatives and religious might comment that i should not put justice in my own hands. Question is, do these people have the right to run other people's lives? Who gave them the right in the first place? Logic however tells me that if these people that im going to exterminate arent meant to die, they definitely will not die no matter how i fill their skulls with slugs. I will just pull the trigger. Let the one in great power take the last breath.tee-hee


postscript:
you know what really made me feel good about the movie? This one...