Thursday, April 19, 2007

An Old Commitment

I was transferring my stuffs into a new wallet (a long overdue christmas and birthday gift from my sister), when i came across these two, almost worn out pieces of paper. Been changing wallet for years yet these two pieces of paper never left my wallet. For me, they're more important than the credit or atm cards and id's or license that i own. These papers are worn out yet these papers continue to inspire me.

The first one was an old newspaper clipping. It's a poem that inspired me to keep on doing what i have already started. Tore it from my Sunday newspaper. When i was an intern, i attended 6am masses at the school chapel. I would usually drop by a newspaper stand and buy the Sunday papers after it. The column of Dero Pedero kept me glued. It contained mostly glimpse and inspirations on human life. This clipping was taken from a newspaper that was dated 5 years ago. I guess this is not just worth keeping. It's meant to be shared too. Let me direct you to a blog i made a few years ago...on ANYWAY.

Lastly, the second paper was more of a commitment i've made before i started my junior internship. This would be the first time that i'll be revealing what that is. A commitment that i held on to even until now that i'm already in my residency training. Dated March 20, 2002, i could count five years from the time i wrote it. It's a commitment that actually helped me through the toxicities of medical life. A commitment that made my life a little bit easier and more tolerable unlike if i have none.

You can read what that commitment was on the picture above and I might be sounding so saintly there. Rereading it right now makes me puke. I didnt realize how idealistic and martyr i was. Or maybe, the institution that im currently working in, created some hardened areas in my heart for me to react this way upon reading it.

Who wouldnt feel hardened when after you have invested your all, from your time, effort, knowledge and skills, and even emotions, this crap hospital gives you nothing in return but headache? You would always feel uncompensated for a hard labor. You would always feel disappointed to the administration. You would always feel disheartened for your patients. You will always be battered by every 24-hour duty. Yep! To the point that you'll sometimes forget about your family, your friends, your own self. Only to realize at the end of the day that heck! there's life outside of this crap hospital. There are people around me other than my patients and these beasts in this jungle where i am currently in. Despite all of these, why do i still prefer to be here? Am i just being stupid? Am i running for a place in heaven?

When i opened this piece of paper, i realized what kept me going. I was reminded of a commitment ive made five years ago. I realized that i didnt just keep it inside my wallet. I internalized it, i lived with it. Maybe, this institution didnt change me after all. If i did change, i might be just a little wiser or more mature. Braver maybe. More concerned with others especially with the patients that i am more responsible to.

Heck! After all these years, I realized that I still am a martyr after all!

I need a dose of Kytril! Something inside my mouth regurgitates.

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