B...Cebu-Part 2

Surprise...surprise...after longing for a big break, i was surprised to know that i'll be sent to Cebu for a seminar. I'll be away from my niche for almost 5 days!!! Yipeee!!! Thinking about this break already makes me feel better despite my toxicity during duties. Ahhhhh...this is life...so beautiful. =P

Bringing Home the Glory

Went home late last night that's why this post's quite overdue. Last night was quite memorable for me and for our co-residents. After several years of being the "underdogs", we claimed the glory in the Interhospital Quiz Bowl. Nah, it's not that the other hospitals treated us as underdogs. It's just that being the most toxic residents in the city with regards to the number of admissions that we have every duty, the other residents have at least more time to study than us.

As for the going home late, our chairman treated us at a videoke bar. Saw how happy and proud he was (or was it just alcohol?hehe). No matter how tired i was last night because of my from duty status, i still have the energy to wake up early and report to the hospital. Every effort paid off. Even my toxic duty was forgotten. We have proven to ourselves that we could also make it to the top.

Another quizbowl is coming and this time, it'll be the regional. More hospitals are joining and ive heard that the contestants of other hospitals no longer go on duty. Look at us however. We still go on every other duty sometimes. Well, our experiences and toxicities would serve as a challenge and inspiration. I just have to remember that every patient that i admit is already one of nature's props in reviewing us for the upcoming big event.

If we brought home the glory last September, i just hope that we could bring home the glory this November too. Oh well, being the underdogs, we can never lose what we never had (the glory that is). All we have to do is to play it well, enjoy the fight, and better if we'll go home victorious...and oh, dont forget another videoke victory party which is i am more excited of.hehe

Ahhhh Life!

T-O-X-I-C! A five-letter word that never leaves my vocabulary. A 5-letter word that best describes my every 24-hour duty...just like tonight.

I have long been wanting to shout and express my toxicity by swearing (in public) since this afternoon. I feel like im in a pressure cooker that's going to explode anytime. My tolerance gauge has been measured to the limits again. Good thing, i still have the capacity to control myself and to keep my temper. Cant help blogging though. It is just through this medium that i could express my angst, my anger, my toxicity and everything in at least, healthy way. Only i could read this anyway (or a few close friends who are interested enough to read about me).

Walking through the hospital corridors while on my way to the conference room, i felt the cold, morning breeze in my face - calming, soothing, relaxing, comforting. The breeze that reminded me of His presence. I was cold but i felt comfort. I am tired but i felt energized. I still have 7 more hours to go for this duty and i think i still could hold on until the morn.

Ahhh life! Why is my life just full of ironies? Why is my life so toxic? Why is my life so full of beauty? Ahhh life! I couldnt help but to keep on going, live every second of it, and be grateful for it.

Giving Up

I am absent from work today! Woohoo! I realized that the hours are longer when you are doing nothing.hehe I have some readings to catch up on. Quiz bowl's nearing and yet i seem not to be prepared for it. Might as well use this time to read on things. Look what im doing right now however. Posting this blog. I really cant deny that im starting to become a blog addict.hehe Nah! Blogging keeps me sane. If i could not ventilate and whine in my posts, it would be not just my emotions that would gone haywire but my sanity as well.hehe

Now about why i am absent? I am nursing a tendinitis! My ankles were swollen and are aching! Aside from this of course, im nursing some post-crying eyebags that my eyeshadows could obviously couldnt mask. I flooded my pillows with tears last night. Must be my from-duty syndrome of being labile. The triggering factor however was apparent. A disappointment coming from a relative that became synergistic with my post-duty labile emotions. Geez! Everything happens for a purpose. If i became an actress, i wouldnt be able to cry on screen and at the same time look good after the take. My eyes arent trained not to swell and so are my nose not used not to turn red after a crying session.

My body's giving me signals to rest so i took the opportunity to rest for a day. Life would go on at the hospital without me i suppose. It's just my body that's giving up. Blame it to my age. I may still look younger than my biological years but the stress that im facing and the load that im carrying might be too unphysiologic. Goodness im getting older! I could run for a distance before without feeling anything. Could even play basketball without nursing claudications or tendinitis. Yet, look at me now. I just made rounds around the hospital for 2 consecutive days and my ankles and knees are cursing me!

As for the eyebags? I was just disappointed with an aunt. My mom's sister to make things worse. She's just so used with the government's padrino system that she wanted things to be done as fast as she wanted because I, her neice, works in the hospital where she had a patient. Her patient's an ENT case, a pediatric patient to be exact. The kid needed to to have a direct esophagoscopy because he swallowed a 25c coin. Tell me then where internal medicine would come in in his case. She was texting me and calling me why things arent done yet. As if i could make things faster if i would bug the ENT resident and the anesthesia resident to prioritize the kid. We have procedures to follow. Even if that kid was a relative of mine, there are some patients who needed to be prioritized. Not because he happens to be a relative i would make things faster for him. I did my part to help out but that was the most that i could do. What's worse however was that in my most toxic moment while i was on duty, she texted me, quite demandingly asking me why nothing's done yet. The worst part was she forwarded my reply to her to my mom! What was she trying to do?

Good thing my mom's the most understanding mother is. She came to my defense despite that fact that my aunt is her own sister and is older than she is (in age...never in reason). After all the early 2am texts bugging me about their patient's case, to the phone calls that i should attend to their patient, i did not even receive a text thanking me for my efforts after the procedure was done. They left the hospital without even informing me that they're leaving. If there are people that i expect could understand me more for my toxicity and for my workload, that would be my relatives. She was an exception though. She broke my heart and she filled my tolerance level to the brim. Speaking of how the government system absorbed her principles and values.

We really dont just jive. I hate politics and i hate padrino systems. I hate being dictated on what to do for i am old enough in reason to know what's proper and what's not. Not because i am her neice is that she could tell me what to do. I run the shots. I run my life. Even my parents know this and this applies at home. Sometimes im thinking that it would be better to help other people you are not related with. At least they appreciate you for the little things that you do. Relatives who matter of fact didnt even contribute something to where i am right now are more demanding and expectant. Tsk...tsk...a big disappointment it is.

These things that have happened arent enough to put my spirit down. I might cry gallons of tears. I might feel those pains and disappointments. I might nurse tendinitis over and over again. Quitting this training isnt just in my vocabulary though. I am placed here for a reason i believe. I am placed here to be molded and trained not just intellectually but emotionally as well. If i am facing this extra challenge right now, im facing this head on. After all that has happened, i realized how strong my foundation is. I realized how sturdy my back ups are. I felt how loved i am.

To The Max

My toxicity's to the max and so must my tolerance level be. I am on duty and it's just now, at 11 o'clock in the evening that i was able to come up to our conference room to rest, my now shouting varicosities. I have been walking to and fro literally around the hospital to answer ward calls and referrals. The only departments i didnt get referrals from were the departments of Pediatrics and Laboratory and the only place in the hospital i havent been to was the morgue.

Gaaaaad! This duty's really one of a kind. Every phone call in the ward that i go to is meant for me. I feel so in demand tonight. A lot of nurses are looking for me and no matter where i go, i was receiving a referral. Had a short time to rest at the ICU. But that was literally short! The nurses offered me some food to eat there. Unfortunately though, i havent taken my first bite yet when i had another phone call from the emergency room. Oh well! Nice! I have to leave my food behind and attend to the patient at the ER. When i came back, i had to go to the phone several times to answer calls while at the same time munching on my pork barbecue or spaghetti. Goodness how can i gain a little weight? My energy consumption exceeds my calorie intake.

I wanted to shout! I wanted to complain. Oh well God i did complain. Why are things sooooo toxic right now? Why cant i have even just a few minutes of rest? The nurses at the wards were laughing at me. How will i grow if i am this toxic? How can i have a lovelife when im always on the run? Why didnt i pass on my toxicity to my juniors? Etcetera...etcetera. Of course, i switched to my autistic mode so as not to hear them.

I had an episode of self-pity. Why am i in this career? Why am i in this hospital? Why are others not that toxic when they are on duty? Why is God unfair? Why are other people soooo unfair? Heck, Cel! I realized that the minutes i spent on self-pity and on complaining or getting angry, must rather be spent on answering referrals. Had 6 referrals already actually and it's not 12 midnight yet.

Oh life. If i should have known that being a doctor entails such challenge not just to the body but to the psyche as well, i should have pursued my career on acting instead. At least in showbiz though they stay up late, they stay up late for tapings and not in monitoring toxic patients. Actors may go on rounds but on mall tours instead of the stinky and filthy wards. They're get paid to look good while we, doctors, have to pay to look good. Oooops, i'm hypoglycemic. Read my words. I'm currently not in my lucid interval. Time for my dinner now midnight snack! Whoah! Did you read that? I can finally eat again!

But oh can you hear that? The phone's ringing again!!!! Aaaaargh! Lord, give me patience...Amen. Riiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiiiiiiing! What the #$@^&*...more patience, Lord.

Drained Out

I am from duty. Was in my toxic mode again last night. Had to pronounce 5 deaths, one of which was very controversial. I dont mind physical challenges like seeing and admitting several patients in a 24-hour duty. What affects me most and tire me most is the emotional baggage that comes with it that consequently reflects to me, physically. Such would include disclosing to the patients' families their grave prognoses, arguing with difficult folks, much more announcing to the relatives that their patient has already moved on to the spirit world.

After pronouncing the patient's death, i would always expect wailing (usually from women relatives) complete with the silent but sometimes violent reactions from the men (hitting the wall with one's clenched fist for example...ouch!) It's like real life telenovela happening before my very eyes. I on the other hand who always find myself in the middle of the drama, couldnt help but project in my most empathetic look. Selected and comforting words delivered. A short but comforting tap on the shoulder of the grieving relatives shared.

As i leave the death's room however, i couldnt help but feel the pain of those who were left behind. I have been witnessing such sights for several years now but my heart hasnt gone numb yet to share with them their loss. As a result, i always end up drained out without my knowing. Ironic though but i could feel this draining out physically.

Five deaths to pronounce, 26 patients to reevaluate and several others to examine with a bonus of a 30-minute nap for the whole 24-hours, i am lucky to be awake still posting this blog. My battery's already sending an alarm that i need to be recharged. My feet are shouting that they need a foot spa and my whole body's complaining that it needed a very comforting massage. My brain's quite tolerant to toxicity i guess. If it isnt, i must be in dreamworld by now. My spirit on the other hand quenched its thirst when i attended the mass this afternoon. In summary, it seems that my brain and spirit are still capable of going on another 24-hour duty. On the contrary, my body tells them that it's drained out and needed a break. Goodness! I'm getting older!

Thankful

Was reading our department's bible awhile ago, (I'm refering to Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine that is), when i suddenly felt strange. I had the urge to read, take note: voraciously read, the chapter that i was reading. What's normal for me is that i usually feel my eyes getting heavy that they would almost drop into the pages that i'm reading. In no time, i'll be in dreamworld, sleeping beside my unfinished reading and uncapped marker pen. A few minutes ago, I was in the momentum of my reading thinking that i could finish the chapter (which unusually happens). Well, the unusual happens unusually of course. For instead of finishing the whole chapter, here i am in front of this monitor posting this blog! (blog addict, eh!hehe)

Nah! What i just would like to say here is that, that something strange i felt meant not just for my urge to read. I also had the urge to blog for i felt that there's a need for me to do it. Tonight, for my bedtime prayer, that is through this post, i just would like to say Thank You to the Big Guy upstairs!

A sudden gush of cold wind coming in from my bedroom window reminded me of His presence. In an instance i felt warm tears flowing from my eyes. No, I'm not in pain. I'm in my "happiest mode" actually. Tears of joy. Tears of thankfulness. These are what those tears are for. I am once again reminded how blessed i am. I am once again reminded how loved i am.

Hakuna matata! No worries. This is my mantra right now. After lifting up my life unto Him, my past and my still to be revealed future, i worry no more. Thankful, loved, worry-free, happy! What more can i ask for? These are the best feelings to have in order to maintain my being a "grace under pressure."