Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Giving Up

I am absent from work today! Woohoo! I realized that the hours are longer when you are doing nothing.hehe I have some readings to catch up on. Quiz bowl's nearing and yet i seem not to be prepared for it. Might as well use this time to read on things. Look what im doing right now however. Posting this blog. I really cant deny that im starting to become a blog addict.hehe Nah! Blogging keeps me sane. If i could not ventilate and whine in my posts, it would be not just my emotions that would gone haywire but my sanity as well.hehe

Now about why i am absent? I am nursing a tendinitis! My ankles were swollen and are aching! Aside from this of course, im nursing some post-crying eyebags that my eyeshadows could obviously couldnt mask. I flooded my pillows with tears last night. Must be my from-duty syndrome of being labile. The triggering factor however was apparent. A disappointment coming from a relative that became synergistic with my post-duty labile emotions. Geez! Everything happens for a purpose. If i became an actress, i wouldnt be able to cry on screen and at the same time look good after the take. My eyes arent trained not to swell and so are my nose not used not to turn red after a crying session.

My body's giving me signals to rest so i took the opportunity to rest for a day. Life would go on at the hospital without me i suppose. It's just my body that's giving up. Blame it to my age. I may still look younger than my biological years but the stress that im facing and the load that im carrying might be too unphysiologic. Goodness im getting older! I could run for a distance before without feeling anything. Could even play basketball without nursing claudications or tendinitis. Yet, look at me now. I just made rounds around the hospital for 2 consecutive days and my ankles and knees are cursing me!

As for the eyebags? I was just disappointed with an aunt. My mom's sister to make things worse. She's just so used with the government's padrino system that she wanted things to be done as fast as she wanted because I, her neice, works in the hospital where she had a patient. Her patient's an ENT case, a pediatric patient to be exact. The kid needed to to have a direct esophagoscopy because he swallowed a 25c coin. Tell me then where internal medicine would come in in his case. She was texting me and calling me why things arent done yet. As if i could make things faster if i would bug the ENT resident and the anesthesia resident to prioritize the kid. We have procedures to follow. Even if that kid was a relative of mine, there are some patients who needed to be prioritized. Not because he happens to be a relative i would make things faster for him. I did my part to help out but that was the most that i could do. What's worse however was that in my most toxic moment while i was on duty, she texted me, quite demandingly asking me why nothing's done yet. The worst part was she forwarded my reply to her to my mom! What was she trying to do?

Good thing my mom's the most understanding mother is. She came to my defense despite that fact that my aunt is her own sister and is older than she is (in age...never in reason). After all the early 2am texts bugging me about their patient's case, to the phone calls that i should attend to their patient, i did not even receive a text thanking me for my efforts after the procedure was done. They left the hospital without even informing me that they're leaving. If there are people that i expect could understand me more for my toxicity and for my workload, that would be my relatives. She was an exception though. She broke my heart and she filled my tolerance level to the brim. Speaking of how the government system absorbed her principles and values.

We really dont just jive. I hate politics and i hate padrino systems. I hate being dictated on what to do for i am old enough in reason to know what's proper and what's not. Not because i am her neice is that she could tell me what to do. I run the shots. I run my life. Even my parents know this and this applies at home. Sometimes im thinking that it would be better to help other people you are not related with. At least they appreciate you for the little things that you do. Relatives who matter of fact didnt even contribute something to where i am right now are more demanding and expectant. Tsk...tsk...a big disappointment it is.

These things that have happened arent enough to put my spirit down. I might cry gallons of tears. I might feel those pains and disappointments. I might nurse tendinitis over and over again. Quitting this training isnt just in my vocabulary though. I am placed here for a reason i believe. I am placed here to be molded and trained not just intellectually but emotionally as well. If i am facing this extra challenge right now, im facing this head on. After all that has happened, i realized how strong my foundation is. I realized how sturdy my back ups are. I felt how loved i am.

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