Wish Ko Lang

Took a break from my readings. Yep! Been reading recently. Uhmmm when i mean recently, i meant, TODAY. I started reading today. The serious reading that is, for tomorrow would be another gruelling diplomate oral exam day. Why just now? I know that being too busy with work and other stuffs would be an accepted and expected excuse but i'd rather say that i wanted to cram, so as not to sound boring.hehe So here i am, the crammer, took a break from my readings, peeked at the tv on what's showing and posting another blog entry.

Speaking of tv, i had another helping of this segment on national tv, the Wish Ko Lang (im not plugging here, ok?hehe). Among others, i loved watching this segment eversince. I guess it's about the idea of making wishes come true that made me drawn to it. Ordinary people living ordinary lives having simple wishes, made come true by this show. I must admit that i couldnt help but shed some tears everytime i see the recipients so surprised and happy once they get their wishes. Yep! Scenes of authentic happiness...tears of joy...they still move me. The thought that there are still a few good men existing on earth made me forget about those people i abhor in the hospital. Made me more optimistic about the future, not mine but our patients.

We have a lot of stories in the wards. A lot of lives with a lot of wishes. If one would be just interested enough in our every patient's life, you'll discover not just the history of his/her present illness but the story of his/her life. In a way, being aware of who they really are, also affects my management of their cases. I would be paying extra attention to those patients of mine who are breadwinners in their families or those who were neglected by their relatives or those who are living alone as spinsters. The breadwinners need to be saved and the neglected ones need to feel that they are given attention especially if they're dying.

If i'll be given an opportunity, i would be writing to Wish Ko Lang. Problem however is that there are a lot of stories to write. There are a lot of wishes to grant and it would take months or even years before the stories i'll be sending will be read. By that time, some of my patients may no longer be around. For now, as a starter, i'd rather buy a lottery ticket so that if ever i will be given a chance to win several millions, i'll be granting my patients' wishes on my own. Too bad, Fairy Godmother disintegrated in Shrek 3 - only if she's around.hehe

On Blogging

I am on duty and i am sooooo thankful that finally, after the nth time of calling our ISP's technical support number, we already have an internet connection at this time of the night here in the office. It's been almost a month that we've got no internet connection here after 5:30 in the afternoon until early in the morning at 6am. In short, those emotions that i would want to pour out in this blog during my tour of duty have to wait for the next day when i get home. Definitely not tonight. For i couldn't wait for another day to let this thing out of my system.

Today's just one of my less tolerant days. I really dont know why i seem to be this sensitive and irritable. My hormones are i guess now back to normal after i had my period, in short i'm not suffering from my monthly PMS this time. I'm scared to consider pre-menopausal syndrome but having an early menopause would be one of my differentials. I may be hungry this morning that i had a glucose shortage in my neurons which could explain my irritability. After my brunch however, i was back to an irritable me. Thanks for my talent in acting though. At least i was still smiling in front of my patients. Oh if you could only imagine how hard it is to act happy but irritated for no reason at the same time.

Maybe i just wanted peace and quiet but i had a hard time acquiring it. For you see, ive been wanting to be in my autistic mode since this morning. I dont want to be with people. I get irritated with their presence. I've been wanting to find peace and comfort in this chaotic environment that im currently in but i definitely couldnt. One, i'm on duty so i couldnt just disappear in an instance and leave my post. Second, I never ran away from my responsibilities no matter how unphysiologic i feel and this day is not an exception. I stayed, i endured, i acted, i covered up, not until the last straw was drawn tonight.

Junior, one of my junior residents pulled the last straw. He too was one of my subjects in this blog. Another irresponsibility on his part made me angry at him. Fact is, i am the most patient person left here for him. Unfortunately, he wasn't just in good timing. I reprimanded him for another blunder he has committed AGAIN. In short, twas not the first time and twas no longer an excuse for him to commit it again. Instead of being sorry though, this Junior showed me his bratty side by trying to fight back. Raising his voice and sounding irritable with his answers to my querries, I couldn't help but to show him my bratty side too! I am the chief here and i am his senior. I wouldn't stoop down at his level much so that i believe that i am right. We are talking about people's lives here and i couldn't let this thing pass without him realizing his mistake. Yet our brat here showed me his real self.

The brat in me couldn't help too but to show up. Not to mention the bitch in me who wouldn't care who i'm answering to so long as i'm sure that i am right. I will stand on my ground bullheaded that i am. I showed him who's bigger and stronger here.

With my anger, i felt like crying but i will never show these people here a single tear. Ive been needing a breath of fresh air since this morning that I took a walk in the hospital, made rounds with our patients and drowned what i was feeling in my interactions with them . Been wanting to blog earlier yet our internet connection was down. Didnt talk this out to anyone, not even to a closest friend. This is me, i dont share my crappy feelings with anyone. Dont want others to feel miserable too. In short, the old adage misery begets company never applies to me. Not unless of course you're reading this trash that you now have a share of what i feel.

Burning out. This is my diagnosis. After everything that happened today, i finally realized that i am burning out. At last, life has been fair enough today. For whatever power, our internet connection's back, take note, after about a month. Finally, i was given this opportunity to blog tonight. With this, i have one single reason to smile despite everything. I still am blessed after all! I too couldnt be more thankful than having this thought, that even in the absence of a confidante, there's this thing called Blog.

Autistic Mode Activated

The month's about to end and i'm having a mix of emotions. I feel excited that finally, i'll be turning over the biggest load i'm currently carrying. On the contrary, there are deadlines that i have to meet within this month and this is the reason why i wanted the time to run slowly.

I can feel the pressure from everywhere. Sometimes, i couldnt help but get irritated by simple things. This is not PMS of course. I've got a lot of deadlines and im pushing on the panic button now. There's this 2nd part of the diplomate oral exams, my research paper, the manual of the department that i have to submit, the upcoming strategic planning, etcetera, etcetera. Whew! Problem too for i dont have the drive to finish them.

I am just thankful that i was born autistic. Times like this, i just sit at one corner and activate my autistic mode. I'll once again open my art box, take those brushes, watercolors and stuffs. Turn my player on and viola! I'll eventually forget those pressures around me. I'll be able to rest my mind even for a few hours from the things that bother me. Ahhh life! Im grateful for watercolors and brushes for though i was not born an artist, they too are beneficial when i choose to be an autistic.

Enough Attention

I'm a self-proclaimed autistic. In short, i'm allergic to anybody's ATTENTION for the attention that im giving to myself is enough to sustain me. Actually, I still could share enough of my attention to anybody who wants it.

In my wish of being ignored and not paid attention upon, i realized that there are a lot of people who wished the contrary. That there are a lot of us who are lacking of it and are doing every means to have it. Knowing this made me think that i really have to pursue my business proposal. With this, i also learned to be thankful. At least i have something that a lot of people have been wishing for. However, i also realized that too much attention isnt good for autistics like me.=)

One Day at a Time

Despite of witnessing deaths happening almost everyday here in the hospital for the past 4 years, i havent gone numbed to it. I still am affected by our patients' deaths. I try to detach for a few minutes as i pronounce a death to the patient's family. Once i turn my back away from them though, i am already fixing an emotional bug within me. Im thinking of the family that the dead has left behind. Much so if it's a young family. With 5 or 6 young kids to feed and the dead is the breadwinner. Im thinking of the pain that the relatives have to deal with.

Death is inevitable. It's a reality actually. It could happen to anyone, at any time and place. What's sad however is that we only realize how real it is once it happens, once we experience it. By this time, it's already too late. We forgot to express what we wanted to say. We've forgot to savor the feeling that we're supposed to experience. We would be too late to realize that death has already taken the only life that we hold on to.

It would be sad to know too that not all of us are open about this topic. How other people find it uncomfortable to talk about it. As if it would be taboo to talk about your own death. I could only relate to a few friends actually. Some are too uncomfortable hearing me talking about my own death. Others would even think that im having some bouts of depression or suicidal ideation. They are mistaken.

For me, it's only when i started to think about my own death that i started to enjoy my life. For the past 29 years, it's just recently that i seem to have fully lived everyday. The idea that everyday may be my last makes me feel unafraid of everything. I would dare do things that i think would make me happy so long as it doesnt affect other people. Like even if it would make me happy pulling the trigger on someone that really pisses me off, i definitely will not do it. It will definitely affect other people. Like making the other gunman unhappy if i cleaned up the job first.hehe

Happiness is subjective so they say. I discovered that one way of experiencing it is to perform each task that you do everyday as if it will be the last time that you'll be doing it. I realized that it changes my perception on things. That there's nothing difficult or hard to do. Thinking too that i might not meet the person im talking with again tomorrow, made me more appreciative of the presence of others. Made me savor my time with them the more. Save of course for some people i wish i didnt encounter. Their presence would make me wish that they'll go ahead of me so that they could stop affecting other people's happy lives.

My acceptance of death may sound morbid for some. This however is the only way that i am also able to embrace life fully. Living my life as if it were my last. Fact is, i already assigned a close friend of mine to comfort my parents in my grave by telling them that im ready for it. It definitely freaked him out.hehe

BLOG CLEANING

Since it's a Sunday, i'll try to disinfect and clean up this blog from all my trash by posting a different entry. From now on, if you find yourself reading an entry that's rant and whine-free, then it only means one thing - BLOG CLEANING'S ON GOING.

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ON BEING GRATEFUL

Just came home from a seminary. For the weekend, we became a foster family to one of the seminarians in their immersion program. My sister and I heard about the invitation during one of those masses we've attended and it was so sad to hear that out of the 49 seminarians who are in need of a foster family, only 12 families signed up at that time. Since we've experienced adopting a seminarian a year ago, we asked our parents if we could adopt one again for this year.

So yesterday, i met him after i came home from duty. He's on his 4th year already. Quite talkative, and he seemed to be so at home already. I was thinking that maybe, they were trained to mingle with people. Little did i know about him until mom told me his story.

Ok, i shall give him a name. Call him Mar. His life is like a pang Maalaala Mo Kaya entry. Made me think that those stories on tv do happen in real life. He grew up in an orphanage. At age 3, his parents separated. His dad, a wife-beater. His mom, born from a rich family who eventually lost their riches. Just like the other rich kids, she didn't know how to cook or to fend for herself that out of need, she married his dad. Of course they couldn't stand each other that they have to part ways. There were two of them in the family. Mar was left with his maternal uncle. His mom brought his younger brother with her. During reunions or special occasions however, he could hear his relatives talking about his mom. The kind that he couldn't take. The kind that as a young kid, made him hate his mom for leaving him with his relatives. So at a young age of 10, he wanted to find himself. He left his uncle's family and he found himself in an orphanage. It's from this orphanage that's being run by a priest that he found family. Not the kind that there's a mother or a father figure though. This is from this orphanage where he grew up until he decided to enter the seminary.

I need not tell every details of his story. Maybe i could post another entry for him. Anyhow, what I'm just trying to tell myself is that, i have to be grateful for having this kind of family that i have. After meeting Mar and after hearing his story, i realized that not all people are given the chance to have a mom or a dad. Not all people have a family to gain support from. That there are people who basically live on their own. That no matter how independent i am, i couldn't picture out myself surviving without my family.

Mar was so grateful that he was assigned to our family. I'm more grateful though. His presence made me appreciate the little blessings that i have. His presence made me appreciate my family the more. My feeling of gratefulness was even more affirmed during the homily when i heard mass tonight. I could remember well the exact words of the priest:"Someone who's not grateful doesn't know how to look back: at people, at circumstances or experiences."

Looking back, there are a lot of people and experiences that i have to be very thankful of. I need not mention these here but basically, what i wanted to say is that i couldn't find ways of how to pay them back.The reason i guess why I'm in this crap hospital is because i feel that this is one way of paying back those people who have helped me all along. I'm here because i couldn't keep all those blessings I'm receiving to myself alone. Fact is, i don't think i'm innately generous. I just feel so obligated to give back to others the blessings that i receive. I'm not claiming that i'm kind or good-natured for i really am not. If i am, I'm no longer alive posting this stuff. Good people die young, right?

My Dream Work

MORBID POST AHEAD. STOP READING BEFORE YOUR PERCEPTION OF ME CHANGES.

I know and i feel how fulfulling it is being a physician. There's some point in my life however that i feel tired being one. In my autistic mode, i would dream of another job. Pardon me if i would sound morbid or gory in this post. This is definitely just a dream job ok? Not unless of course i would let this dream come into a reality then be afraid of me, be very afraid...hehe

Kidding aside, after watching the movie, The Brave One, my violent tendencies came alive. Not the criminal type of course. The vigilante in me who wanted everything else to be fair. Life's never been fair of course. Thinking however that there are still people out there who live out of other people's lives, people who are commensals, worst, parasites, i couldnt help but imagine that they'd be wiped out of this earth. Our justice system sucks! Ok, rephrase my sentence if it sounds offensive. Our justice system's like a slug. Now would this sound better? If our justice system would be this slow in serving justice to those who were aggrieved, it would have been better if there are vigilantes around. If it really is true too that our justice system favors the rich and the ones in power, then we'll be thankful if there are vigilantes in our midst.

Yep! I guess im already revealing what my dream work is. When i grow up, i wanted to be a VIGILANTE. A whaaaat? Okaaaay, a vigilante! Now, dont tell mom. Ironic how i could become a life saver by day and a vigilante at night. Hmmm it probably will be taking away the routine kind of life that i have. I will be saving a life that's worth saving by day, and be taking a life worth sending to hell at night. This would be fun!

After watching the movie, i guess i would also take an automatic rifle as my weapon. As a lifesaver, i know where to hit my victim and kill him with just one bullet. Problem however is if i could hit my target.teehee Definitely will practice target shooting. What with the number of cats roaming around our wards? Oh not to mention the relatives of Ratatouille who are as big as the cats. They are good targets for my practice. Practicing in our wards however is a no-no. It wouldnt be discreet. I guess i could go to a secluded place in town and practice shooting at the...hmmm moon? Ok, a can of milk might do.

Who's on my hitlist? Nah, i need not mention them. For my own safety, just in case there are vigilante's who are already ahead of me and who are also planning to exterminate these people, i will not give a clue. They might do the clean up, and since i, the dreamer, mentioned the names of these people in this blog, might be implicated for the act.

Sharing my darkest thought would be enough for now. So long as our justice system is as slow as a slug, i shall put a slug in someone's brain - should my wish be granted. So long as there are people in the position who are using their powers and positions for personal gain, i shall keep on dreaming. So long as there are abusive personalities: patients, their relatives, hospital employees or my colleagues, i shall never let go of this wish. So long as there are people who unfortunately mutated into parasites, i will hold on to that dream.

Conservatives and religious might comment that i should not put justice in my own hands. Question is, do these people have the right to run other people's lives? Who gave them the right in the first place? Logic however tells me that if these people that im going to exterminate arent meant to die, they definitely will not die no matter how i fill their skulls with slugs. I will just pull the trigger. Let the one in great power take the last breath.tee-hee


postscript:
you know what really made me feel good about the movie? This one...

Profession Slur

The reason I guess why I've been wanting to become a physician is because i wanted to feel the so called fulfillment in life. The kind when you get to help other people. You get to save them from their sickness, may it be physical, mental or emotional, and despite of being so freakin tired, you still feel happy and fulfilled at the end of day. I need not be rich. My bank accounts need not be in several digits. I need not own a big, grand house in a big subdivision. I need not even a luxurious car. I never dreamt of these when i was young. All i wanted is to sleep peacefully at night, thankful for the day, fulfilled for what ive done.

Too much for an introduction. It's just that today, i realized how some people have abused our so called profession. Oooops, i will not be talking about the Desperate Housewives thingie here. One, i havent watched a single episode of it. Two, i'm not that affected by the actress' statement. Fact is, I know myself better than her and i know what a Filipino can really do. So better not join the heat of the nation.

Let me just focus in my own little world. Let me scrutinize one by one the "profession slur" that i have experienced as a physician. People, twas not just Teri Hatcher or ABC who committed such slur but my fellow Filipinos as well. I'm doing this not to defend myself or my profession. I'm doing this as an eye opener for i cant deny what's happening around me. Ironic how the country reacted to such statement when fact is, as a physician, i dont feel protected and thanked by my own countryman.

Been working in this crap government hospital for more than 3 years now and i feel that i am very much indebted to my fellowmen. Since i work in the government, i am expected to serve the Filipino people. I felt how demanding other patients were. I experienced how unfair these people were in treating a government doctor compared to a private practitioner whom they are paying to. It seemed as if these people have contributed a penny in my medical education and that they are expecting me to pay them back. They were thinking that the food that i eat, or the expensive coffee that i drink came from their pockets. Sad to say, these demanding people are also the ones who arent even paying their community taxes. Sad to say too that a large fraction of my salary goes to taxes and this is what im experiencing from the hands of a fellow Filipino. This is fact. This is what the nation should know.

I havent really gone into an argument about this matter with someone. I am too toxic to argue with anyone and my time is too precious to be wasted on a narrow-minded creature. Same thing as what im doing with Dementress Jr, benign neglect is all that i do. Should i really lose my temper which very seldom happens, i might, i just might do the worst thing that i could imagine doing. Cast the demanding filipino with the Cruciatus curse. Kidding. I mean, ask the demanding patient if he pays his taxes and double or even triple it and send him to another hospital. Heck! One of a few reasons that could force me to get married are my taxes!

Aside from being demanding, some of them would always seek the aid of media. The most of the time one-sided mediamen on the other hand would react and hurl derogatory remarks at us. We've become a daily delicacy in the households everytime these media would ride on some issues and feast on us. We are being threatened by some patients that they will run to the media for help should there'll be a problem that will arise in our management. Should i once again lose my temper on this one, i would also bring some issues to the media. Like the government not having enough budget for health and that we too have to take a fraction of our tax-deducted salaries in order to help a patient. That there are some patients who are abusive and demanding and at the same time are not paying their taxes. That there are some relatives who never move a finger in looking for resources for their patients. That they only wait for whatever divine providence that might drop from our leaking, dust-filled hospital ceilings.

Oh, let me not forget those philanthropists. Rich people who wanted to serve the poor, the sick and the dying - for the photo ops. I always feel so exploited when i work with them. Ok, not all of them. There are some who really are genuine in their intentions. But then, really! Those medical missions? They dont impress me. Imagine a doctor being asked to volunteer for the said project and being drowned by the number of patients that come for the mission. The organizers on the other hand would appear later in the activity, fully made up, not a single sweat or oily part on their faces and not a single hair is misplaced. Some would even dare touch some patients but with an alcogel on the other hand. Of course, not to mention the camera in front of them. Disgusting!

Include also some of our kind who are a disgrace to our profession. Physicians who might have mutated from a very idealistic premed student to a very materialistic professional. Some would even look down at some doctors who can never equal their wealth or their positions. Those who forgot their Hippocratic oath. Those who forgot what a real healer is.

These people that ive mentioned are Filipinos. Most of them i guess were also the ones who reacted to that statement in that tv series. Look who's talking now? Listen to those praises about a Filipino doctor. Read those defenses that they did in favor of us. These gestures didnt move me. Same thing that i was not that affected by the racial slur that tvshow has committed.

I'm living my life one day at a time. I can sleep peacefully at night. I still feel fulfilled at the end of the day. Ok now, Filipinos, let the one without a sin throw the first stone at Teri Hatcher.