On Beatitudes and MY TOXICITY

It's 4am and i am still wide awake. Havent slept even a wink yet. Nothing beats my toxicity when im on duty that i am already on the verge of giving up on myself. As i remember the beatitudes to help me feel better, i felt the worse as i witness how comfortable other people were:

Lucky are the nurses at the stations i visited...they're stealing precious naps.

Precious is my intern...she already had several REMs.

Chosen one is my senior...he has been revisiting dreamworld several times.

Blessed are my patients even if they're sick...they sleep comfortably even in their crowded wards.

Ironic me...now that i have the time to sleep...here i am whining and posting this blog.

Alright, im outta here! ZZZzzzZZZzzzZzZzzZZZ

Toxic-filled

Everytime im in a from duty status, im always on the verge of giving up on myself. Yep! Im giving up on my toxicity. Sometimes im thinking that life could be just so unfair on me. When other residents who go on duty could sleep for one straight hour or so, i on the other hand is granted a maximum of 30 minute naps. If i'd say that i slept around 2 hours when on duty, these 2 hours are composed of four 30-minute naps. I couldnt even say that i would reach REM by this time.

Alright! Supposedly, we are not allowed to sleep when on duty. Hell yeah! Robots could do this but i am no superwoman who needed no sleep. Short naps are vital in maintaining my physiologic state.

My duty yesterday was one hell of an experience. We were quite benign in the early hours but just when the unholy hours came, an icu patient became toxic. I stayed in the icu most of the time in order to monitor his status. Literally, i was awake, on guard on whatever-might-happen-next to him. At 2am, i was calling a consultant, referring the patient's status. Had a nap at around 4:30 only to be awakened by a commotion. The patient's father, who was restless and sleepless like me stopped the peritoneal dialysis procedure that the patient was undergoing that time. He even threatened the nurses at the icu. I was up on my feet and faced him with courage. I was sleepless, tired and is now harrassed. He wouldnt listen to reasons and explanations. His graymatter might have been clouded by worries, fears, fatigue and concern towards his patient. I felt for him and i just hope that he felt for me too...you know the fact that i cared so much for his patient too. Most of my time when i was on duty, i spent with his patient. Now, he seem not to appreciate everything that i have done for his son. Pathetic me...i forgot that i came here to serve and not to expect anything in return from whoever. Instead, I didnt continue with my argument. Have to leave the restless father and his toxic son in peace. I was in a dilemma...here i was, wanting to save a 23-year old life. The patient however was giving up himself and his father has lost his faith too. Words just couldnt comfort them...my tiredness might have affected my convincing powers. Tell me now why i really needed some sleep.

Came 8am, the patient arrested. He just gave me time to freshen up...i just have to look fresh despite being sleepless. I was really meaning to save him. All measures were given...i have to defibrillate him and he was eventually revived after 5 epinephrines. Goodness, despite being sleepless, i still had the energy to perform the resuscitation. Mind over body eh. I only felt relief when my senior already took over my post.

Geez, i wasnt off after 8am. Have to stay at the hospital until 5pm. I was like a walking zombie. My brain's above my shoulder alright but i seem to be dragging it with my feet. Was trying to get some power naps but when you're toxic-filled, something's that will steal your precious sleep will always happen.

Now that i am home, i am expected to be lying comatosed on my bed by now. Ironic however, here i am in front of this lcd posting this blog. Just when i was longing for precious sleep when i was in the hospital, my toxicity was to the fullest...i couldnt put myself to sleep now that i am home. My system's crashing. My blood is caffeine-free alright but here i am wide awake still. My neurotransmitters might have gone haywire. I feel so lightheaded yet there's something inside this brain of mine that tells me to finish to post.

Oh well, shall we say that im just doing some clean up. Have to free my mind from trash and im currently posting it here right now. As i am about to conclude this post, im feeling better. My eyes are now getting heavier....my neurotransmitters might have been used up...my gray matter's starting to lose words...im starting to yawn now...my bed's now inviting me to dreamworld.

...oooops it's only in dreamworld that i'm toxic-free! yipee!

Consuelo de Bobo

I am from duty! Yep! I love the feeling of being from duty. You know, the relief that your 24-hour duty was over, the comfort that you're going to hit bed like a comatosed patient after office hours and the assurance that the next day will be an on-call day. In short, you're only required an 8-5 shift at the hospital.

What i love best however from being from duty is that i am receiving something from the crap hospital that i am currently working. What i mean is that the giving of salaries or bonuses usually happen when i'm tired and battered, almost giving up to my toxicity, and from duty! Even my colleagues already use my from duty status as an indicator in estimating when the next pay or bonus day will be. I think this must be noted in our monthly duty schedule.hehe

I call this as the "Consuelo de bobo phenomenon." Just when i am about to give up on my toxicity. Just when i feel like quitting. Just when i am too tired after a very toxic duty...i am given my salary. Nah! I worked here for learning and not for monetary gain. It just feels good however to receive a "reward" from an almost inhuman work. I may be not compensated well but it somehow alleviates my tiredness and neutralizes my toxicity. It makes me feel blessed that despite being toxic, at least, i am being paid. Well even if my salary is not that much, at least it's good enough to raise a giant like me. You know, paying my telephone bills, dues and thingies and gadgets i would wish to buy.

When i feel like complaining and unappreciative of my "Consuelo de bobo" salary, i must always try to remember this event. I was with some nurses at the cashier this morning waiting in line for our salaries. As i sign on the payroll, i saw some amount that the other employees are going to receive. I realized that for some, i am receiving 10x their share! What's worst? They have a family to raise and i have none. Now, need i complain further?

Never Ever to Pink

I swear! Never in my whole life will i ever wear pink on duties again! I have actually even have a post on how toxic i was in pink. Most people have observed that i really am toxic when i am in pink. Oh well, not to mention the fact that i really am naturally toxic...fact is, i already learned to accept this. But being toxic when i'm in pink? Nah! I still was in my denial stage not until my 24-hour duty yesterday was over.

There were two of us on duty last night. I was with my junior who's barely 2 months in the department. She was supposed to man the emergency room and i, the icu and the wards. Morning shift was a bit benign. We never had an admission actually until 2 pm. The rest was meant to be a part of history.

My job last night was a feat worth posting. From assisting my junior at the emergency room admitting patients, i was off in the wards to answer ward calls and referrals. When an icu patient got toxic, i stayed there for some time and calls would come in requiring me to answer an intraoperative monitoring. What to do? Divide myself and do things at the same time? Of course i have to prioritize my own patients first. Have to ask the anesthesia resident on duty to text me should any problem arise for i really couldnt make it to the induction. Nevertheless, i was able to see the patient at the operating room. Thank God, no untoward incident happened.

Just when i was resuscitating a patient at the emergency room and the flux of patient was at its maximum, ward referrals kept on coming too. Some even sounded so toxic that needed my immediate attention. I was about to loose my tolerance and patience. I was too toxic however to get irritated. I managed everything with a humor.

We had 22 admissions and i had 9 interdepartmental referrals! Take note...N-I-N-E. Seldom does this happen in a whole 24-hour duty. Even the space for our interdepartmental calls in our census only allotted 5!

I realized how toxic the pink blouse i was wearing at 2 am. Have to freshen up and change into my fresh, blue scrubs. After this, things have slowed down, the emergency room became quiet. I rested at the icu yet i could never get a single nap. The phone kept on ringing and the referrals kept on coming. It was until 4am when i finally decided that i needed a bed to lie upon. Whew! if i could only imagine the comfort of our conference room sofa. After a whole day to and fro, my legs finally found a time to rest.

If only one of our attendants at the ER have known. That morning of my duty, he kept on teasing me how attractive i was in pink. I was a bit pissed off when reminded me how toxic my duties were when i was in pink. I was planning to prove him wrong but he was right all along! Being in pink is really a jinx for me. Not only does it attract the wrong men...i was also pulling along patients. So, if discovery channel tells us that the color blue attracts mosquitoes...i could prove that the color pink attracts "bees" and patients too! Aargh!

A Storm Within

My PMS was over as so was my period. I am just wondering however why i still feel this heavy within...heavy, stormy, in turmoil. Is it my toxicity? Is it the load that my work gives me? Is it the responsibility that i have to carry everyday?

As i sit in the mass this afternoon, i wanted to calm the storm within. Everything's unruly, everything's so chaotic. I look good outside as most people claim but i am a walking disaster area. I could never single out a thing that caused all of these aside from my current profession. Hell, I'm burning out again. I am not on the verge of breaking down though. My sanity is still intact. It's just that work's been too much these days. What to do?

In the mass, i closed my eyes. Nope, not my usual start for sleeping during homilies. I kept quiet and allowed the Big Guy upstairs to examine me. I came out light and renewed thereafter.

The solution? When in chaos...keep quiet. When in turmoil...stand still. When faced with a storm within...be silent. I allowed Him to do the clearing up of the mess i've created. I accepted His calamity aid and welcomed Him back to my life. Yep! Work gave me no time for Him too. Now i realized why i was burning out so fast.