The Renegade In Me

A few days from now, i will be taking the Diplomate Oral Exams. Whether this will push through or not, i shall face it without fear. The air in the office is not as tensed as last year's wherein our seniors were all cramming for the said exam. Right now, i can feel no sense of urgency nor importance for the said exam. Is it because it is only i who's going to take it this year? Or is it because i seem not to be interested in taking it either for i dont feel like being a part of this college?

The college who after taking our membership fees remains to be apathetic and passive as to the needs of its members and future members like us. I couldnt even feel its existence. It's just that there's this prestige that goes with your name when you are a part of it. I dont even think that there's a sense of belongingness among its members. There may be for some but not for all. Where's the college that's supposed to create regulations and rules for the practice of medicine in our area? Where's the college that's supposed to promote ethical and fair practice among its members? Oh well, how can it promote such in an urbanized city like ours when it cant even make sure that the practice of ethics is visible in a small-time interhospital contest? For me, what happened was like a case of stealing in broad daylight and at that certain moment, it was legalized.

There's this renegade in me who still until now, remembers that event in the past. The renegade who was unjustly judged. The renegade who felt betrayed by her college. I am someone who never bear grudges to anyone though. Or maybe it never happened in the past that i was aggrieved by someone this much. Much more humiliated in public in my face. The very same day that that event happened, i chose to keep mum about it. Dont talk if you have nothing good to say, this i always keep in mind. I was thinking that i might get over that experience in time. I might learn to forgive the person for his unfairness or the college for its apathy. After 4 months though, i proved myself wrong.

There are times that i could still remember how wicked he looked like on stage while announcing the winners. I still could remember the disbelief in the face of the audience for the result. The side comments he delivered kept on ringing in my ears. I was not after for the win. I am never hungry for glory nor for praise. I have enough for myself. I am just someone who wanted things to be just. If they could do that to me or to us (for i represent my hospital), who could fight for my/our rights, what more to those patients of theirs, some of which are even illiterate, who cant assert their rights?

I am also someone who look up to those above me and gives due respect to those who deserve it. That time, i began to recognize those who really deserve to have my respect and who i owe very much of everything. Not because they are rooting for me. It was simply because they abhored mediocrity and they were rooting for excellence among us, the younger generation. Consultants who despite their achievements remained to be grounded and ethical. They are actually just around me.

Im writing this now thinking that i would be more objective about that event. I didnt realize that i will just open up and uncover an old wound. The optimistic me however chose not to squeeze those lemons, that life threw at me, on that wound. Im trying not to wallow in that experience. Instead, im learning to make lemonades out of those lemons. Im slowly turning that wicked face into an inspiration. Im trying to convert those side comments into stepping stones. Im starting to get strength from the pain that that event has created.

I was thankful for that experience for it was a light to my future plans. Ill be taking this exam for completion purposes not because i wanted to belong to that apathetic college that most of us have been wanting to enter. To that someone with a wicked smile, I shall be like him but i shall never be his equal. He has taken advantaged of his practice and specialization and i just dont know how many he has treated and drained to debt at the same time. I plan to go out of the country and specialize. The details however remain within the confines of my gray matter. Now that i have all the support from my family, i shall start my journey towards another big dream. If i surpassed that 4-year period for medical school away from home, i shall pass that 3-year training too away from this country.

When i get back to this city, i shall treat my patients the way i was trained in this institution as a resident. Not mindful of the fee, more concerned of the patient as a whole. I shall have my vengeance through my patients. No exorbitant fees for those needing my services. I shall be like those people i look up to. Successful, excellent in their fields yet remained grounded, ethical and pro-patient.

This is the renegade in me. Who says renegades dont know how to make lemonades?