Sooo Phony Too

What the hell's wrong with this crap hospital? Hmmm, almost everything? My latest post was an expression on how i abhor phony people. It was also an expression on how i sympathize with our patients. Yep! For being exploited.

Recently, my tolerance level to "phonicity" (if there is such a word in the dictionary), was once again tested. Our patients at the OPD were chosen as beneficiaries of food supplements by a civic group. I am not against any civic groups or organization. It's just that i couldnt take those photo ops. The patients benefit from those donations but to pose in front of the camera and let other people know that you have helped somebody is just like a bitter pill for me to swallow. Isnt it enough that you have made one life a bit better by your help? Isnt it enough that you've heard those thank you's and you felt appreciation from them?

I really wanted to puke witnessing the group having their pictures taken with our patients. One of them even commented to have the picturetaking inside the airconditioned room for it was humid outside. She was right. If they stayed a little longer at the receiving area, they could have melted in their makeups and their "unmovable" hair do's might be windblown. What's even funny was that they didnt even distribute the donations to the patients. After the picture taking, they immediately left. Too bad, it could have been better if they had their pictures taken while giving out those donations. These shots would surely pass the Philippines' phoniest pictures.

I was starting to swallow something that regurgitates inside my mouth. Forgot to inject myself with an anti-emetic before i met them. Gaaaad! Why do they have to do that? For documentation purposes? So why not take pictures of just the beneficiaries instead? Oooops, im sorry, i just dont love to pose in front of the camera. In short, i couldnt require other people not to pose in front of the camera too.

Before they left, the group invited us to join them. "We're all women," according to one of them. I managed to put on my not so sincere smile. In my mind, "Oh ma'am, my pleasure. I'll be joining your group once i'll be immune to all of these. Two more years in this crap hospital and i might be able to stomach all these phoniness." In summary, what i'm just trying to say is that..."Come on! It's the 3rd millineum, Pharisees were already outdated!"

Soooo Phony

This morning we filled the wards again to the alleys. We had just 16 admissions but we already have a can-of-sardine-like ward set-up. You barely can recognize a patient from his/her folks for most of them are seated or lying in one bed...or cardboard box. You barely can identify a nurse or a doctor from the patients' folks for it seems like one patient would have a barangay of visitors.While having our rounds with my junior, i noticed one creature who stood out from the crowd. Taaadaaan! Wearing his signature blue barong, he was interviewing a patient lying at the alley. Wooohooot! The one seated on the throne...the one who head this crap hospital came down from his comfort zone and interacted with a patient at the wards! What the hell's going on? I was thinking maybe i could be just dreaming. You know, i'm from duty and i couldnt help but be out of my consciousness, visiting dreamworld from time to time.

No, but no. I was wide awake. My junior and I looked at each other as if talking in the same wavelength. Suddenly, a blinding light shone upon our eyes. Could this be transfiguration? Crap! A camera lens faces our direction. Oh well, kaya pala! Phooooooony! He came down from his throne to meet the patients lying at the alley...to be documented. I wanted to puke!
I dont know the reason behind those video takes. I dont even know what his motive was. I just would like to appeal to his senses. Chief, oh chief, i just hope you're not using our patients again for your own advantage. These people have nothing left, not even their dignity. Why do you have to use them? If you're showing what your work as an administrator is, better stay in your own office. Even if you're acting in front of that camera that you are interacting with our patients, you cant deny that that camera too could see your deficiencies. No beds, crowded, filthy ward, dilapidated infrastructure, harassed ambubags, empty emergency cart...these are supposed to be what you must be concerned about. Taking care of the patients is our primary concern as attending physicians. Taking care of the needs of the hospital and its people is what your job order requires. So why act in front of the camera and show what you arent expected to do?

Holy crap! I couldnt just imagine how i could stand these phony people around me. I feel for these patients of mine. Well, well, i just have to console myself that anyway, it is us who interact with our patients everyday. Sincere to serve. Unselfish with our motives. One more self-praise and i'll be sounding soooo phony too. Anyhow, what im just trying to drive at is that we are the ones who interact with the patients and we are the ones who are constantly scrutinized because of the deficiencies of the superior beings above us.

But life's like this...who said it's fair?

Life is Still Beautiful

Home...sleep...hammock...earphones...music...sunset...
cold breeze.

what more can i ask for?

Priceless

I'm just sooooo damn tired. That was one hell of a duty we had last night. Twenty six admissions? Hah! I'm used to having not less than 25 admissions but to admit 26 patients with more than half of them being soooo toxic, what can i say? Added to this would be the interdepartmental referrals i have to answer, helping my junior at the ER, and the ward referrals that never ceased...i definitely didnt forget to congratulate myself today.

Where in the world can you find a hospital that's good for only 82 patients now carrying more than a hundred? We actually had a new ward, the alley ward. I couldnt imagine how people sought admission in our hospital no matter how congested it may be. Yep! Even if they sleep on cardboard boxes. Ironic it may seem but the same hospital that most people scrutinize and feast upon with criticisms, would be the same hospital that would cater the majority of this province.

I survived that duty! I survived performing intubation and cpr on the floor. I literally sat on the floor just so i could intubate the patient. Goodness, i really couldnt help but be sorry for our current situation. We are like soldiers who went to war unarmed. The only thing that we have are our brains on top of our shoulders. I'm afraid that when these brains though would tire out, what will be left then with the crap hospital that we have?

Hail to the resident doctors and consultants of our crap hospital! Hail to the interns and nurses and workers who managed to survive here. Working in this institution is really unphysiologic. It's just that, there really are masochistic people who couldnt live outside of this hospital we are in. No matter how difficult life seems to be here, we still could manage to laugh things out. No matter how inhuman the conditions in the wards are, we all could survive a duty.

Heroes have monuments i believe. So long as this infrastructure still stands, this will represent the unsung heroes and survivors who are always criticized and discriminated. The heroes who never cease to serve. Working here is really damn tiring. The fulfillment that comes with it however - PRICELESS.

Believe

When i was a post graduate intern, my resident assured me that like him, i too will be able to lie flat on bed for several hours during a 24-hour duty. You see, he could sleep from 12am to 7 am, undisturbed. Save for my occasional referrals of toxic patients, he could stay in the on-call room until the sun rises.

I looked forward for that day that i too took up internal medicine as a specialization. To my dismay, in my 3rd year as a resident, i still havent experienced that straight-flat-on-bed-sleep-of-several-hours. I understand that being on a 24-hour duty would mean that i would be deprived of precious sleep, which is happening most of the time. What i cant understand however is that why cant i experience that longed rest of mine even for just one duty?

I was just born toxic. A magnet. A patient magnet that is. I rationalize.

Why am i toxic then when others arent? How come others could admit only a few patients during their duties when i on the other hand is flocked by admissions. Why cant people just stay in their homes for just one duty of mine?

I discovered that maybe God is answering my dad's prayer. During one of our dinners, the time when i would be complaining and whining about a toxic duty, he admitted that he was praying for patients to go to the hospital during my duty so that they could experience care from a good doctor. Complement from my own dad? Nuh-oh! I wished that he should have prayed that for once, his daughter would be more benign. I couldnt understand why he's praying for other people more than me.

He believed in my capacity. He relied on my values. I rationalize.

Now about how life could be so unfair about my toxicity, i discovered that no matter how toxic i could get from a 24-hour duty, i still could find myself laughing and smiling the next day. I still could afford to watch a movie or go malling with friends. I still could maintain my wakefulness until midnight on one of our videoke sessions. I still could attend dinners at home with my family. Of course, i still could afford to blog like what i'm doing right now. I realized that there was never a verrrrrrry toxic duty that i wasnt able to handle.

God believed in what i can do. This i just dont rationalize. I firmly believe.

Now who says i'm complaining about my toxicity?

The Fellowship of the Phonies

Call me a rebel, but a renegade would sound better. Maybe i also have a problem with authority figures. When someone older than i am acts in a way that he doesnt deserve my respect, then he definitely will not gain it. I may be submissive but i would be expressing my "rebellion" in a different way.

Today, i attended a meeting of the phonies. People who sound like they are thinking of the majority's greater good. People who acted optimistic but with questionable ulterior motives. Now that's from where this title of this post came from. For you see, i work in an institution that's full of phony people and this morning, they were all crowded in one place. If not for my two bosses, i could have contacted terrorist bombers to drop a bomb in the area. If these people were eliminated, then our place would be a very peaceful place to work in.

Why the hell must we plan for another building when in fact there are still a lot of unfinished projects that are now museums of mosses and weeds. Why the heck must we plan for a bigger building when what we need are work force? Who the hell shall make rounds in this 5-storey building when there are not a lot of plantilla items for residents? Or shall we say even items for new nurses? Hello there phony people...noone can live on volunteerism alone. People now work for bread for the spirit of volunteerism definitely will not sustain them...unless they would like to end up as spirits.

A bomb exploding in the meeting area was the best thing that i could think of. I was thinking that this would also wake, those dreaming creatures who are having a meeting, up. The explosion might bring them back to reality. The renegade in me wanted to really speak out this morning. I still remember my parents' reminder though. Respect your elders. Yep! Even if you feel that they are wrong. Alright, alright, i am an obedient daughter and my parents deserve my respect. I left the meeting place, excusing myself that i still have to make rounds. Leaving the area was my way of withdrawing myself from the stimulus that inflicted me pain and that was a wise idea. Not being able to speak out by the way didnt mean that those phony people gained my respect. I am just an obedient daughter.