Believe

When i was a post graduate intern, my resident assured me that like him, i too will be able to lie flat on bed for several hours during a 24-hour duty. You see, he could sleep from 12am to 7 am, undisturbed. Save for my occasional referrals of toxic patients, he could stay in the on-call room until the sun rises.

I looked forward for that day that i too took up internal medicine as a specialization. To my dismay, in my 3rd year as a resident, i still havent experienced that straight-flat-on-bed-sleep-of-several-hours. I understand that being on a 24-hour duty would mean that i would be deprived of precious sleep, which is happening most of the time. What i cant understand however is that why cant i experience that longed rest of mine even for just one duty?

I was just born toxic. A magnet. A patient magnet that is. I rationalize.

Why am i toxic then when others arent? How come others could admit only a few patients during their duties when i on the other hand is flocked by admissions. Why cant people just stay in their homes for just one duty of mine?

I discovered that maybe God is answering my dad's prayer. During one of our dinners, the time when i would be complaining and whining about a toxic duty, he admitted that he was praying for patients to go to the hospital during my duty so that they could experience care from a good doctor. Complement from my own dad? Nuh-oh! I wished that he should have prayed that for once, his daughter would be more benign. I couldnt understand why he's praying for other people more than me.

He believed in my capacity. He relied on my values. I rationalize.

Now about how life could be so unfair about my toxicity, i discovered that no matter how toxic i could get from a 24-hour duty, i still could find myself laughing and smiling the next day. I still could afford to watch a movie or go malling with friends. I still could maintain my wakefulness until midnight on one of our videoke sessions. I still could attend dinners at home with my family. Of course, i still could afford to blog like what i'm doing right now. I realized that there was never a verrrrrrry toxic duty that i wasnt able to handle.

God believed in what i can do. This i just dont rationalize. I firmly believe.

Now who says i'm complaining about my toxicity?