Thursday, January 08, 2009

Let's Get Morbid

When I was younger, I could remember talking with some co-morbid friends about death. We were talking about our death wish. That time, I wished that I would want to die in my sleep. Dying in one's sleep was I thought painless. You just didn't wake up the next day, that's all. So I thought. Until I personally witnessed a friend's death - in his sleep. I didn't realize that no one just die in their sleep for no reason. There must be a cause why this now cadaver failed to breath.

Wallah! What am I talking here? I am morbid I admit. Actually I believe that death is something that we must face. It's inevitable and it's a fact of life. It's just that we manage not to mind it because of the pain that it might bring to us or to our loved ones. Being in the health profession helped me in a way to embrace death and to befriend it. So the reason why I could talk about it anytime I want to without the goosebumps or eerie feeling. I don't mean though that by embracing death, we could take our own life into our own hands.

My apologies, this is another after effect of reading several chapters from Harrison's. Not to mention the news I read from early today. Two cases of suicide! Both were business a million, the other a billionaire. What a great news to start my day. Been wanting to blog about it early today but I just don't want to start my day about morbidities.

In the hospital where I worked, we fought death to the last breath for our patients and their families. We valued life even that of a patient without a name. I just can't help but be affected by that news on suicide. These happened in two different continents in a matter of hours. I'm not so sure if they know each other that they planned to die on the same day. What saddened me though was the fact that the German billionaire was already in his 70's. The time when you're supposed to enjoy what remains of your good old life while waiting for your recall. He couldn't wait that long though. I'm not judging them and they don't even know me so what they heck. I'm just concerned about a life that's lost. That's all.

After picking some knowledge and wisdom on the road in my life's journey, my wish of dying has changed. I don't want to die in my sleep. I realized that for death to be less painful and scary, one must be prepared for it. How can I be prepared or my loved ones be prepared about my own death if I simply don't wake up the next day? So my wish would be I would want to die of a chronic disease. You know, you already have an idea ahead of time that your days are counted. By slowly memorizing Harrison's here, I could name a lot! A whole lot! The reason why I still can't decide what disease I would like. I just wish that the chronicity of my disease will not render me ugly, demented and debilitated. I don't want my family to suffer the consequences of such wish of dying from a chronic disease. Wiping my behind? Giving me bath? Feeding me via a nasogastric tube? (Aaaack!) If this happens, then "chronic" will have a new definition of 3 days.

Maybe when I say chronic and non-debilitating, I still have my full faculties to do what I want. A 3 or 6-month notice would be enough for me to prepare my last will, to say my thank you's to people I owe my deepest gratitude. To say "i love you" to the people I value. "I'm sorry" to the people I might have caused pain. To spend more time with the people I will surely miss. To appreciate and complement the people around me. To value a small act of kindness and to do one every day of what remains of my time. To give someone a big bear hug or simply a pat on the shoulder. To smile, to laugh out loud for simple joys. To dance or to sing under the rain. To fulfill what I could do in my 49 things. Three months to enjoy life is like reminiscing my whole 30 years and summing them up in 3 months. Emphasizing the value of quality of life over it's quantity.

I'm talking too much here. In simple words, I just want to share a New Year's promise that I made with myself: To be more expressive with what I feel and not to deprive the people I love with what's due to them. In this way, I know I can never be sorry whether I'll die in my sleep or in 3 months' time of a chronic illness. Definitely not suicide.


sheng said...

Oh yes, definitely not suicide. Death is one thing we eventually will be facing and we must be ready, so we must value each day as if it is the last. You might laugh at my last death wishes, but I asked my hubby that when I die, please put me in an orange casket, i don't want the usual position cadavers display, I want it to be in sleeping sideways position, with a pillow with me, seeing that, my loved ones would think: Parang natutulog lang siya.

Pahabol: Nakapajama please, pwede bang shorts? I am comfy sleeping in my boxer shorts...

AngelMD-No-More said...

sheng: hahaha see you're quite morbid too!hehe I have also other death wishes. i guess i made a post about it before. stuffs like i want my mom to do my make up...i really dont like how funeral parlors do their make looks just so...uhmmmm dead?hehehe aside from the fact of course that the sponges and brushes made contact with dead people.hahaha

Allan Barredo said...

morbid or not, I love the photo of the candle! :)

Garando said...

Have you seen "the bucket list"? Your post reminded me of that movie. If you haven't seen it, you MUST! It's a beautiful movie that's related to what you just posted.

AngelMD-No-More said...

allan: how about that? a compliment from the guru himself? wooohooo!!! thanks pariente. you think i have a future in photography?hehe that's my stock photo...contented myself with my 3.2mp camfone...sob! i want that d40 and i showed the pic to my mom telling her it's my new crush she even joked she'll let me borrow money for it.hahahaha ill keep my fingers crossed.

garando: bucket list? hmmm ill look for it. im not familiar with the movie but i got intrigued.hehehe thanks manong.