Monday, November 06, 2006

Burning Out

I really dont know if the same phenomenon that i'm going through right now also happens to my colleagues. Being in the medical profession is really damn draining. Sometimes i'm wondering where i get all those energy to sustain me. Everyday of my life i face people who drain all the energy out from me. People who are not only physically sick, but emotionally and financially incapacitated as well.

Aside from hospital work, i get to face problems at home. Once marked a doctor, no matter where you go, no matter what state of mind and body you are in, you will always be a doctor. After a 24-hour duty, i always look forward to coming home. The idea that i dont get to see patients and i dont get any ward referrals comforts me. What's disappointing however is when i still receive consultations from family members or neighbors. My mind that's supposed to be in stand-by mode when i am at home is once again put to work. I sometimes get irritated but thinking that this is one of the consequences that my profession has to offer, all i have to do was to keep quiet and finish the job. I find comfort in the fact that these people rely on me, being the only medical doctor in the family. My stubborn self however would always ask,"What was happening back then when i was still young and not yet a doctor?"

Work-related concerns aren't just the ones that preoccupied me. There are other things that bother me. All aspects of my life are somewhat chaotic. I need an overhaul. This week's quite stormy for me. I still manage to put on a facade of peace and quiet though. Deep inside this facade however is a walking disaster area. Anytime, i could breakdown. Anytime, i could blow up. My tear dams are on the verge of overflowing yet i still manage to keep them intact. I wanted to run away to a very far away place. I wanted to be in a beach with no people around me. I wanted serenity. I wanted peace and quiet.

I'm burning out again. I'm losing the battle. Problem however, how come this phenomenon is cyclical? Every month of my life, i never fail to experience this. Blame those hormones! I'm once again having my PMS!

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