It's a new year and people are busy making their resolutions which eventually gets forgotten by the end of the year. Then they make it again for the next year and the next and the next. This is the sole reason why I don't make promises or resolutions every time a year comes anew. With the tasks I have to do, research papers I have to make, cases I have to study, books that I need to read, I will surely forget about this resolution should I make one. I want it that should I have one resolution, I must be able to remember it in my daily activities, with the people I meet or just everytime I wake up and drag myself to work.
It has been 10 months when I started this fellowship training. It has been 10 months when I felt like I am not my real self. I must have left the real me somewhere and lost it. I am not sure whether I really lost it or something must have gone wrong in my system. Like a loose screw somewhere that needs to be tightened or a hinge that needs to be oiled. I'm acting weird in fact. My emotions became labile, I always feel down in the dumps and I tend to be irritated by small stuffs. I don't find anything fulfilling or happy at all – with work. I'm giving an emphasis on this just in case morphine, friends or a family member stumble into this blog and might misinterpret me. I am no longer happy with my work. That's it!
Why am I saying this? For the past 10 months, going to the hospital everyday seems like a struggle for me. I'm a walking zombie – functional at that. I examine patients, gives my soundest opinion on their cases, treats them, mingle with them or with my colleagues, then I sleep the whole night through when I get home to my apartment. I feel so empty. I don't find any fulfillment with my being a "physician"…again! You see, my posts are records of my emotional roller coaster ride. One post I'm down, another I'm so inspired. This I feel isn't healthy and isn't the usual me. The once emotionally stable young resident didn't just turn into a melting pot of different emotions I surmise. I became a walking chaos to be more specific. I know that I must put an end to this.
For 2010, I don't want to remain as the functional zombie. I want to live. I want to enjoy every single day of my existence in this institution. I was able to survive the past 10 months and I know that the next 14 months will be a breeze. I want to breathe and live everytime I wake up and drag myself to work. I want to savor every moment that I am with my patient. I want to relive that feeling of fulfillment for being able to make someone well. I miss that state. I miss that self of mine. I wish she'll resurface from where I left her. I wish I can fix this bug in my system. I want to live. I have to take my first breath.