Beachy

Exactly four years ago, I took this pic in Bora. When your knowledge though on how harmful the sun is on one's health increases, you definitely will spare the beach. Hah! Rationalizing again for having no time to hit the beach this summer! Subspec training...training...what have you done to me? =)

Sleeping Beauty

Just got home from a sick leave. I did have the nerve to ask my bosses for a sick leave. After one year of fellowship here in the jungle of Manila, I finally decided to put an end to my recurrent tonsillitis. If not for my mom threatening me that it might lead to rheumatic heart disease, i didnt decide on this one. Now, im on my 3rd day post-tonsillectomy and I'll be back to work tomorrow. I didnt want to announce it here at first but i just want to immortalize in this blog on how good Bro really is. Anyway, Mom already started the text brigade for me that even if I would want this surgery to be discreet, everyone else knew about it. How did I find out? My aunt was with me in my hospital room when she received the text from mom. Mom's style worked too I guess.

I left Manila on the 17th and I got admitted straight from the airport. My OR was scheduled first thing the next day. I have already contacted my surgeon before i filed for a leave. People were wondering why I chose to go home when I am working in one of the best hospitals in the country. My only reason is - there's always an advantage when I'm in my homecourt. I want to be with my family. I'm more familiar with the people and the system in my hometown.

Early morning of the 18th, an orderly came to fetch me. All I could remember was I said goodnight to my parents after the nurse administered the midazolam. The rest were a blur. I had my first lucid interval and my first memory of my ordeal when i was already in the recovery room. A former intern came to my bedside and greeted me. I remembered saying "hi" then i once again drifted to sleep. I guess my anesthesiologist also tried to wake me up and I remembered thanking him. I didnt even had a glimpse of my surgeon or how the OR looked. I was asleep all along.

I was very lucid when I was already in my room and that was already late in the afternoon. Well, I could talk after my surgery. My pain threshold's quite high I guess. Thanks to the tramadol drip too. It made things easier for me to bear.

On my 2nd post-op day, I was discharged. My surgeon and my anesthesiologist gave me clearance and was surprised for my recovery. Well, if I'm bound to fly back to Manila soon, I dont have a choice but to act well.

Things happen as a breeze. Bro made things happen for me. I know that I couldnt thank Him more for what He's done. Enumerating those things here is I guess one way of thanking and praising Him for everything.
1. I was granted the sick leave
2. I didnt have a difficulty in scheduling for my OR
3. I had a good and comfortable hospital room
4. I was asleep during the operation and couldnt even remember that it happened
5. I was intubated! But then at least I didnt find myself in that state of being intubated or else I might have panicked. I was already on oxygen cannula when I woke up in the recovery room.
6. I feel less pain...just a bit of discomfort in my throat.
7. I was on ice cream diet!!! the best!
8. My surgeon's and anesthesiologist's fees were on courtesy!
9. Philhealth shouldered almost half of my hospital bill.
10. Ive got a very supportive family...my mom was with me all the time when I was admitted. Tatay's the errand boy bringing stuffs from home to the hospital.
11. Ive got visits from people who cared.
12. From the OR to the RR, Ive got previous interns who are now residents who took care of me.
13. My first experience as a patient was a good one. At least I finally felt how comfortable it is to sleep on a hospital bed without minding the time.
14. The best thing too was that the thing that i dreaded most didnt happen. People were threatening me that I might be catheterized since Ill be on general anesthesia. The first thing that i checked out when I was lucid was if I feel any discomfort down under and I felt nothing.hehe

Now, Im back to my feet after 3 days. Will be back to work on my 4th post op day. I just hope there will be no patients in the out patient tomorrow. I know I need to rest my voice for some time. Unless texting is allowed in talking with my patients. Anyway, thank you Bro! Thank you too for those who offered their prayers for me.

SUNny

I hope i'll be able to regularly post stuffs here after I switched my ISP to what else but the reigning network in my area. G and Sm step aside and stop comparing yourselves on who's the fastest for I am now happy with the speed of my broadband. I can now at least send a powerpoint file via email and can download files at a rate I didnt experience from my previous provider. At least i dont get to sleep while waiting for the web pages to load. I can now go bloghopping and leave or reply to comments. I'll be back to blogosphere and everything will be back to normal for me! Yipee!

Ooops! I forgot about the toxicity of this fellowship thing. I hope I still have the time to do all these stuffs I've just mentioned. It's now back to reality for me...back to work.hehe

To Live

It's a new year and people are busy making their resolutions which eventually gets forgotten by the end of the year. Then they make it again for the next year and the next and the next. This is the sole reason why I don't make promises or resolutions every time a year comes anew. With the tasks I have to do, research papers I have to make, cases I have to study, books that I need to read, I will surely forget about this resolution should I make one. I want it that should I have one resolution, I must be able to remember it in my daily activities, with the people I meet or just everytime I wake up and drag myself to work.

It has been 10 months when I started this fellowship training. It has been 10 months when I felt like I am not my real self. I must have left the real me somewhere and lost it. I am not sure whether I really lost it or something must have gone wrong in my system. Like a loose screw somewhere that needs to be tightened or a hinge that needs to be oiled. I'm acting weird in fact. My emotions became labile, I always feel down in the dumps and I tend to be irritated by small stuffs. I don't find anything fulfilling or happy at all – with work. I'm giving an emphasis on this just in case morphine, friends or a family member stumble into this blog and might misinterpret me. I am no longer happy with my work. That's it!

Why am I saying this? For the past 10 months, going to the hospital everyday seems like a struggle for me. I'm a walking zombie – functional at that. I examine patients, gives my soundest opinion on their cases, treats them, mingle with them or with my colleagues, then I sleep the whole night through when I get home to my apartment. I feel so empty. I don't find any fulfillment with my being a "physician"…again! You see, my posts are records of my emotional roller coaster ride. One post I'm down, another I'm so inspired. This I feel isn't healthy and isn't the usual me. The once emotionally stable young resident didn't just turn into a melting pot of different emotions I surmise. I became a walking chaos to be more specific. I know that I must put an end to this.

For 2010, I don't want to remain as the functional zombie. I want to live. I want to enjoy every single day of my existence in this institution. I was able to survive the past 10 months and I know that the next 14 months will be a breeze. I want to breathe and live everytime I wake up and drag myself to work. I want to savor every moment that I am with my patient. I want to relive that feeling of fulfillment for being able to make someone well. I miss that state. I miss that self of mine. I wish she'll resurface from where I left her. I wish I can fix this bug in my system. I want to live. I have to take my first breath.