On Beatitudes and MY TOXICITY

It's 4am and i am still wide awake. Havent slept even a wink yet. Nothing beats my toxicity when im on duty that i am already on the verge of giving up on myself. As i remember the beatitudes to help me feel better, i felt the worse as i witness how comfortable other people were:

Lucky are the nurses at the stations i visited...they're stealing precious naps.

Precious is my intern...she already had several REMs.

Chosen one is my senior...he has been revisiting dreamworld several times.

Blessed are my patients even if they're sick...they sleep comfortably even in their crowded wards.

Ironic me...now that i have the time to sleep...here i am whining and posting this blog.

Alright, im outta here! ZZZzzzZZZzzzZzZzzZZZ

Toxic-filled

Everytime im in a from duty status, im always on the verge of giving up on myself. Yep! Im giving up on my toxicity. Sometimes im thinking that life could be just so unfair on me. When other residents who go on duty could sleep for one straight hour or so, i on the other hand is granted a maximum of 30 minute naps. If i'd say that i slept around 2 hours when on duty, these 2 hours are composed of four 30-minute naps. I couldnt even say that i would reach REM by this time.

Alright! Supposedly, we are not allowed to sleep when on duty. Hell yeah! Robots could do this but i am no superwoman who needed no sleep. Short naps are vital in maintaining my physiologic state.

My duty yesterday was one hell of an experience. We were quite benign in the early hours but just when the unholy hours came, an icu patient became toxic. I stayed in the icu most of the time in order to monitor his status. Literally, i was awake, on guard on whatever-might-happen-next to him. At 2am, i was calling a consultant, referring the patient's status. Had a nap at around 4:30 only to be awakened by a commotion. The patient's father, who was restless and sleepless like me stopped the peritoneal dialysis procedure that the patient was undergoing that time. He even threatened the nurses at the icu. I was up on my feet and faced him with courage. I was sleepless, tired and is now harrassed. He wouldnt listen to reasons and explanations. His graymatter might have been clouded by worries, fears, fatigue and concern towards his patient. I felt for him and i just hope that he felt for me too...you know the fact that i cared so much for his patient too. Most of my time when i was on duty, i spent with his patient. Now, he seem not to appreciate everything that i have done for his son. Pathetic me...i forgot that i came here to serve and not to expect anything in return from whoever. Instead, I didnt continue with my argument. Have to leave the restless father and his toxic son in peace. I was in a dilemma...here i was, wanting to save a 23-year old life. The patient however was giving up himself and his father has lost his faith too. Words just couldnt comfort them...my tiredness might have affected my convincing powers. Tell me now why i really needed some sleep.

Came 8am, the patient arrested. He just gave me time to freshen up...i just have to look fresh despite being sleepless. I was really meaning to save him. All measures were given...i have to defibrillate him and he was eventually revived after 5 epinephrines. Goodness, despite being sleepless, i still had the energy to perform the resuscitation. Mind over body eh. I only felt relief when my senior already took over my post.

Geez, i wasnt off after 8am. Have to stay at the hospital until 5pm. I was like a walking zombie. My brain's above my shoulder alright but i seem to be dragging it with my feet. Was trying to get some power naps but when you're toxic-filled, something's that will steal your precious sleep will always happen.

Now that i am home, i am expected to be lying comatosed on my bed by now. Ironic however, here i am in front of this lcd posting this blog. Just when i was longing for precious sleep when i was in the hospital, my toxicity was to the fullest...i couldnt put myself to sleep now that i am home. My system's crashing. My blood is caffeine-free alright but here i am wide awake still. My neurotransmitters might have gone haywire. I feel so lightheaded yet there's something inside this brain of mine that tells me to finish to post.

Oh well, shall we say that im just doing some clean up. Have to free my mind from trash and im currently posting it here right now. As i am about to conclude this post, im feeling better. My eyes are now getting heavier....my neurotransmitters might have been used up...my gray matter's starting to lose words...im starting to yawn now...my bed's now inviting me to dreamworld.

...oooops it's only in dreamworld that i'm toxic-free! yipee!

Consuelo de Bobo

I am from duty! Yep! I love the feeling of being from duty. You know, the relief that your 24-hour duty was over, the comfort that you're going to hit bed like a comatosed patient after office hours and the assurance that the next day will be an on-call day. In short, you're only required an 8-5 shift at the hospital.

What i love best however from being from duty is that i am receiving something from the crap hospital that i am currently working. What i mean is that the giving of salaries or bonuses usually happen when i'm tired and battered, almost giving up to my toxicity, and from duty! Even my colleagues already use my from duty status as an indicator in estimating when the next pay or bonus day will be. I think this must be noted in our monthly duty schedule.hehe

I call this as the "Consuelo de bobo phenomenon." Just when i am about to give up on my toxicity. Just when i feel like quitting. Just when i am too tired after a very toxic duty...i am given my salary. Nah! I worked here for learning and not for monetary gain. It just feels good however to receive a "reward" from an almost inhuman work. I may be not compensated well but it somehow alleviates my tiredness and neutralizes my toxicity. It makes me feel blessed that despite being toxic, at least, i am being paid. Well even if my salary is not that much, at least it's good enough to raise a giant like me. You know, paying my telephone bills, dues and thingies and gadgets i would wish to buy.

When i feel like complaining and unappreciative of my "Consuelo de bobo" salary, i must always try to remember this event. I was with some nurses at the cashier this morning waiting in line for our salaries. As i sign on the payroll, i saw some amount that the other employees are going to receive. I realized that for some, i am receiving 10x their share! What's worst? They have a family to raise and i have none. Now, need i complain further?

Never Ever to Pink

I swear! Never in my whole life will i ever wear pink on duties again! I have actually even have a post on how toxic i was in pink. Most people have observed that i really am toxic when i am in pink. Oh well, not to mention the fact that i really am naturally toxic...fact is, i already learned to accept this. But being toxic when i'm in pink? Nah! I still was in my denial stage not until my 24-hour duty yesterday was over.

There were two of us on duty last night. I was with my junior who's barely 2 months in the department. She was supposed to man the emergency room and i, the icu and the wards. Morning shift was a bit benign. We never had an admission actually until 2 pm. The rest was meant to be a part of history.

My job last night was a feat worth posting. From assisting my junior at the emergency room admitting patients, i was off in the wards to answer ward calls and referrals. When an icu patient got toxic, i stayed there for some time and calls would come in requiring me to answer an intraoperative monitoring. What to do? Divide myself and do things at the same time? Of course i have to prioritize my own patients first. Have to ask the anesthesia resident on duty to text me should any problem arise for i really couldnt make it to the induction. Nevertheless, i was able to see the patient at the operating room. Thank God, no untoward incident happened.

Just when i was resuscitating a patient at the emergency room and the flux of patient was at its maximum, ward referrals kept on coming too. Some even sounded so toxic that needed my immediate attention. I was about to loose my tolerance and patience. I was too toxic however to get irritated. I managed everything with a humor.

We had 22 admissions and i had 9 interdepartmental referrals! Take note...N-I-N-E. Seldom does this happen in a whole 24-hour duty. Even the space for our interdepartmental calls in our census only allotted 5!

I realized how toxic the pink blouse i was wearing at 2 am. Have to freshen up and change into my fresh, blue scrubs. After this, things have slowed down, the emergency room became quiet. I rested at the icu yet i could never get a single nap. The phone kept on ringing and the referrals kept on coming. It was until 4am when i finally decided that i needed a bed to lie upon. Whew! if i could only imagine the comfort of our conference room sofa. After a whole day to and fro, my legs finally found a time to rest.

If only one of our attendants at the ER have known. That morning of my duty, he kept on teasing me how attractive i was in pink. I was a bit pissed off when reminded me how toxic my duties were when i was in pink. I was planning to prove him wrong but he was right all along! Being in pink is really a jinx for me. Not only does it attract the wrong men...i was also pulling along patients. So, if discovery channel tells us that the color blue attracts mosquitoes...i could prove that the color pink attracts "bees" and patients too! Aargh!

A Storm Within

My PMS was over as so was my period. I am just wondering however why i still feel this heavy within...heavy, stormy, in turmoil. Is it my toxicity? Is it the load that my work gives me? Is it the responsibility that i have to carry everyday?

As i sit in the mass this afternoon, i wanted to calm the storm within. Everything's unruly, everything's so chaotic. I look good outside as most people claim but i am a walking disaster area. I could never single out a thing that caused all of these aside from my current profession. Hell, I'm burning out again. I am not on the verge of breaking down though. My sanity is still intact. It's just that work's been too much these days. What to do?

In the mass, i closed my eyes. Nope, not my usual start for sleeping during homilies. I kept quiet and allowed the Big Guy upstairs to examine me. I came out light and renewed thereafter.

The solution? When in chaos...keep quiet. When in turmoil...stand still. When faced with a storm within...be silent. I allowed Him to do the clearing up of the mess i've created. I accepted His calamity aid and welcomed Him back to my life. Yep! Work gave me no time for Him too. Now i realized why i was burning out so fast.

There's No Place Like Home

I'm back! Back from a 4-day off from work. Yet, as soon as i landed in Bacolod, i was back to the hospital for duty. Ewwww!!! No matter what however, it's still nice to be back home.

Well, Manila's still the same humid and crowded place i never long to be. The oath taking however requires me to be there. So as to make good use of the time that i was there, i tired my feet from walking and malling and meeting friend! Tee hee! In the end, I was left literally drained - my energy and wallet to be exact. My 4-day trip to Manila however was all worth it despite of all the "hardships" i've experienced. Quite an experience for someone like me who stays in the hospital seems all my life.

Day 1:
Left early for Manila in a from duty status. Sleepy, tired, excited, a mix of signs and symptoms i couldnt explain, to be exact. Took the 1st trip off to Manila and i spent most of the time sleeping. Well, forgot to feast my eyes on one my favorites sites...the white, cottony, fluffy clouds! Sleep was all that i wanted during this time. "Head-banging" is what i wanted to do! The only time i was awake was when the stewardess handed me my breakfast which i literally didnt eat at all.

I was with my senior resident and upon landing in Manila, we were fetched by our sponsoring drug company to be brought to our hotel. The hotel where we stayed was quite far from our conference site, and was even unknown to almost all drivers i met in Manila. Anyhow, it was nice alright. It provided me just enough comfort everytime i go back from a tiring trip around the metropolis. The bed's headboard was our most favorite area in the hotel because it was where we rested our tired legs! Well, not to mention the very first night we spent there. I was made to stand and wait for two hours before the oathtaking. It was not just me actually, but all of us...the candidates for associate fellow. We were thinking that maybe, it was one way of the college to initiate us! Good thing i was wearing a comfortable pair of heels. Tsk tsk i still could imagine how the others looked...stilletos anyone?hehe

The only meal i took after our lunch at Shakey's was a Starbucks coffee froccino. The same grande size froccino i gobbled up during the board exam that left me awake for 24-hours! My tiredness from going on duty the previous day and the trip however left the coffee powerless. Most of the time while attending the oathtaking ceremony, i was asleep! My narcolepsy attacked me again and together with my seatmates, sleep conquered us. After a 3-hour ceremony, all the awardings and the like, the anticipated part of the program came...the closing remarks! The only problem i had however was the place for us to eat and of course the trip back to our hotel. I was just blessed however to be seated with new found friends from Cebu. Aside from driving us back to our hotel, we were also invited to dinner! Whew!

Seeing our bed a little before midnight was a great relief! After all the standing, walking, traffic, and everything, our 1st day in Manila ended inside the comforters. I wanted to regain the lost sleep i had from our duty the previous day.


Day 2:
Have to get up early from bed so as to be able to attend the 1st lecture. Haha I just couldnt imagine how observant we were of the time and on how diligent we were in attending the lectures. Well, only in the 1st day of the convention to be more exact. This day's one of the most memorable. Why? For it was during this time that I ate fish! I mean, dishes made from big fishes! I dont eat big fishes...blue marlin, salmon, to name a few...they're not in my diet list. I have this certain fear of eating big fishes...it could be the smell or the idea that they might have eaten human beings too...hehe

We were treated for lunch by a drug company at Fish and Co. I really had no choice but to eat fish! The name was obvious enough that they serve no other dishes than seafoods! Anyhow, the dish i had was quite good. The spices and sauce it had masked the smell i abhor.

After lunch, an MRT ride to PGH consumed everything that i've eaten. My seniors have to take application forms for fellowship. I really couldnt imagine how humid manila was. It seemed as if i was inside an oven ready to be baked! Imagine how crowded the MRT carts were. Good thing, the carts they've provided for women and the elderlies were not that crowded. This, we took advantage of. What a relief it was to be able to ride these carts. We felt secure at least in the jungle we were in. Also, it was the only place in Manila that was cold enough to comfort us.

The night was then spent with two of my friends. A movie and a free dinner concluded the day. Was quite an experience to be with old friends again. We never ran out of stories to tell. If not for their busy schedules, we could have met again the following nights i was there.

Day 3:
This day was spent attending lectures and visiting the exhibits. I really couldnt imagine myself carrying a very big bag, big enough for me to fit inside, finding myself in the crowd of people inside the mrt. Most of the day was again spent walking...walking and shopping where? In megamall! Holy cow! Of all places, my tired feet went around megamall! I could feel my veins yelling at me!

The comfort of our bed welcomed me early in the afternoon. We rested for some time for i had another dinner date with another 2 friends in manila. Tsk tsk i didnt know that even in my trip in Manila i would be toxic enough to schedule meetings among my friends! While waiting for my friends, we were comforted by eating one of my fave ice cream. Woohoot! I miss fresh strawberries! Later in the night, we had our dinner at Greenbelt 3 and i didnt realize how crowded it was until i saw the waiting lines of costumers outside the restaurants. The "triplets" reunion was one of the memorable times i had (till next year tin and tom!). We never ran out of stories to tell and if only the night was longer, we could have chatted all night.

Day 4
People have been warning me that Divisoria is famous for its snatchers and pickpocketers. Little did they know that it is more notorious for its hold-uppers. I could never imagine how i was held-up in this place. For the last day of my short vacation in Manila, i was left with only the maintaining balance in my atm account! I was so amazed at how my 500 bucks could extend a very long way. I was able to buy 2 pairs of pants and blouse for 500 bucks! After a half-day of shopping, it was too late when i realized that one 500 out of my wallet was followed by another and another and another.tee hee Oh, not only that. I never felt so full after we ate at the foodcourt. Your mere 60 bucks was already good for two viands and a rice! Funny how extremes could coexist in a place like Manila. The other night, i was in Greenbelt. In place where i was really on guard of my wallet - afraid to spend on something that might cost more than half of my pocketmoney. The next day, i was in Divisoria. In a place where i also guarded my wallet from snatchers yet the Chinese businessmen there were wiser.hehe
After the time spent with my aunt who luckily accompanied us to Divisoria, we went back straight to the hotel and took some rest. I was once again reunited with my cellphone which was literally full of messages and missed calls. By the way, i was warned not to bring anything so my cellphone stayed in the hotel. Good for him, he had a time to rest!
Dinner time was spent with another friend. Quite full still after a great lunch, burger king was the place to hang out. I missed its refillable apple juice and oh, the junior whopper! After some talks and updates, i was back in our hotel after travelling all alone in a taxi. Felt quite secure in Makati area though. If i were staying in Manila, i wouldnt dare travel all alone.hehe
For my last night in the hotel, i just have to rest. I did i have a time off from the hospital but it was never a rest. By the time i returned to Bacolod, i was back on duty.

Whew! Got tired in my Manila trip and got so tired posting this blog too! Twas really nice to meet old and new friends again though. Anyhow, there really is no place like home! When I'm in Bacolod, no matter how toxic i am when i am from duty, i still could say that i could get a very good night rest.

Que Sera Sera

Just got done packing my things up. Well, quite used to packing my clothes every 3 days for a 24-hour duty, everything's done in a matter of an hour. Hehe I just hope i left nothing of importance.

One more duty left before i leave for Manila. In a matter of four days, i'll be taking a break from hospital work to attend an annual convention. It's not literally a break anyway. Seriously, i'd rather remain in the confines of the hospital than be in Manila. I need some rebreather though. As if i'll be breathing fresh air in Manila.hehe Well, to be in a different place, to be away from the sick and the dying is quite comforting. To sleep in the comfort of our hotel room, to meet new and old faces is quite rewarding. To wake up each day thinking that i will not be reporting to the hospital is a relief!

Aside from the convention itself, i plan to meet up with friends. I just dont know how to juggle my time and be able to fit my itinerary with their busy schedules. If only i could meet them all up in just one day at the same place. I really just have to grab the opportunity for i might be able to see them again the next year. Tsk tsk imagine even in my trip to Manila i still am toxic? Uggggh when will toxicity ever leave me?

Alright! My mind tells me to be a grace under pressure. Quite used to a toxic life, this toxic scheduling is a piece of cake! If they're my real friends, they'll have time to meet me anyway...hehe (hey peeps! read this?) Nah! Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be. To meet or not to meet...i came for the oath taking anyway.=P

Life's Simple Essence

It's a holiday today yet holiday's no excuse for not reporting to the hospital. We're always reminded by our chairman that our patients dont choose when to die. In short, we are very much needed at the hospital...especially on a holiday. Today's scheduled for a family day out of town. A neice's going to celebrate her 1st birthday party. In short, after dropping me off at the hospital, my whole family including our househelp went off to a city 2 hours away from Bacolod. Awww poor me.(geez! i sound so pathetic!)

So as to avoid the so-called "Home Alone Syndrome," i deliberately didnt go home early. We're supposed to be working on a half-day. Ironic but it's just today that my legs arent too excited to leave the hospital. I'm too timid to go on window shopping and quite disinterested to watch the new flick in town. A co-resident and i instead ended up at our conference room, having lunch with the duties. Good thing, while on my way to the hospital, i saw a McDo billboard advertising it's delivery. As simple as 433-McDo, i munched on my go-large cheeseburger meal after a few minutes.(burp! excuse me...)

Time was quite running slow though that my junior and i decided to finally go window shopping. Sad to say, flea markets and store sales culminated just yesterday. Also, most stores were close and we couldnt find a good bargain either. Guess where we ended up at last? At our favorite parlor to have our hair done! I had a hair spa and a little trimming. After my hair was blow-dried, how i wish not to take a bath for weeks so as to maintain my current crowning glory.

Sad to say, it was raining cats and dogs outside the parlor. Noone to fetch me and too afraid to get soaked in the rain, I have to take a taxi back home. Yep! Finally, I decided to go home. Maybe my family would be back by this time. Still, I was quite soaked in the rain as i reached our gate and i was disappointed to see how limp my hair got. Uh-oh! Only to find out too that I was home alone still - disappointment number 2. My mom texted me that the party's not over yet. Who welcomed me home? The new member of the family, our pup Rockley. Heard him crying upstairs at my mom's garden. Poor pup, he was tied by our helper in a shade yet he gets a little wet by the rain.

Quite soaked already and with my newly blowered hair already damaged, i decided to literally shower in the rain as i move the puppy to a shade. After being soaked though, my disappointments disappeared. Instead, i had a sudden feeling of freedom!

Ahhh life. I missed this! It's been more than a decade since i literally showered in the rain! I was back to a 6-year old girl, enjoying every droplet of water that touches me. I was carefree...quite insane if other people have seen me. As i get fully soaked, i felt totally free. Freed from responsibilities, freed from pain, freed from worries. How i wish i was back to a young, restless, carefree 6-year old. I was quite contented though for reliving that experience even for a few minutes.

Life's quite complicated alright! We usually wander and search for what could satisfy us, what could occupy our time, what could make us happy. We sometimes even spend for some pleasures and comforts. Yet this afternoon, i rediscovered something. A new way to unwind - a few minutes of getting soaked in the rain! Relaxing...unloading...refreshing...for FREE .

Stoned

Stoned...this is what i am right now.
Blame the crap system for being responsible.
Gone are my emotions, gone are those tears.
Everything seems mechanical for me.
No longer emotional, softy, or too attached.
Hide those signs of weakness that makes me vulnerable.
Principles are stepped upon and ignored by majority if you let them be.
"Survival of the fittest," so they say.

In my quest for survival i have to develop a protective shell.
In my fear of feeling pain and loss i started to harden.
In standing my ground, i learned to be brave.
In fighting for my right, i learned to be more assertive.
In my goal for excellence, i abhored mediocrity.

In this crap institution i am in, life became a constant struggle.
I am dealing with other people's lives and i feel so responsible for them.
Yet, how can i practice what's ideal when the government provides us with nothing?
How can i fight for life when my patients themselves are pathetic in saving their own lives?
How can i help others who are too hopeless to help themselves?
In a set up like ours, the practice of what's ideal remains in the confines of our books. Everything's just plain crap here.

As a result, life passes through my hands at a speed i couldnt imagine.
Death is as normal as breathing.
If i am not stoned, where will i find myself then?
If i wouldnt fight, where will my ideals go?
If i am placed in a different institution, will i feel the same way?
If i would leave this place however, who shall fight for them?

This Too Shall Pass

I dont know how to describe what i feel right now. Little things tend to irritate me. I am transforming into an old, grouchy, grumpy, spinster i never ever dreamt becoming. I feel that the people and the world around me are crap...all crap. I seem not to find pleasure in whatever that i do. Actually, I am too timid to move and do something. My room's a mess, my working table looks like a tsunami-disaster-area yet, I have no interest in fixing things up.

I wanted to be alone with myself, away from the people, away from the noisiness of this city. In other words, i just want to get lost. I am once again in my self-induced depression. Even blogging isnt at all interesting. I wanted to post this for i just want to let this thing out of my system. Tsk..tsk..it is this time of the month again that im having that hormonal surge. Why on earth am i experiencing this monthly PMS? I just wish i have a 6-month menstrual cycle!

Writer's Block

It seems that i'm quite uninspired these past few days. Things that have been happening to me were not that extraordinary that's worth writing about. Maybe, i should say that i'm still in this writer's block-mode. My creative juices might have dried up because of the summer heat. There's just one thing that could describe what i feel right now though. I think Alanis could describe it well for me...=P

HAND IN MY POCKET (Alanis Morrisette)

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"Hand In My Pocket"

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five


I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

What Lies Ahead

Well, i havent posted a blog for quite some time. Blame it on my writer's block (if i do consider myself a writer), or blame it on my current status. Yep! Not that i am preoccupied with whatever (like lovelife as what you might be expecting) aside from my current residency training. Actually, it's the residency training still that consumes much of my time. With great power lies great responsibility as what they say. I have posted in my previous blog that i was expecting for an April fool's joke when April started. I was informed that i am to assume a senior resident position at 2nd year. Thus, going on duty as a senior caused me to be more voracious with my readings...even if i have a difficulty doing it.

At this time, i am quite worried about the next year. What lies ahead of me? No senior to refer to, the last in the heirarchy. Our chairman emphasized just this morning that what puts us in the upper ground over our juniors is our knowledge. Im wondering if i have such knowledge to assume the upper ground he was refering to. I must never let my eyes off from my books! Goodness to this extent? Exaggeration as it may sound but i can feel the burden.

God, im dealing with lives here. I know that i need to read and i must read. Goodbye netsurfing, goodbye friendster, goodbye blogging, goodbye chatting...is that it? I just hope that whatever lies ahead of me, i still could breath fresh air. I could say goodbye to all of these except for one thing...blogging's my air...i could never deprive myself of this commodity.

It's My Life

Im just currently amazed with the idea of posting videos of my fave songs in my blogs. This is also another way of saying...geez, im currently in my writer's-block-mode. I think i need more inspiration. No wonder...patients kept on coming for admission - to inspire me!

For my renegade-mode, here's the song that keeps me going.=P

IT'S MY LIFE (Bon Jovi)

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Cheers to the 28 Years

I might have missed the annual videoke birthday session but my 28th year birthday would be considered a memorable one. Not because i received a lot of threats from friends, relatives and even consultants that if i dont commit myself with someone at this time, i just have to prepare myself to sign up with the "Spinster Club." How many times did i hear people reiterating how old i am and still unattached? How many times today did i hear the word "la-on" (spinster)? My ears were too deaf to hear them. Should everybody be involved and get into my own lovestory?

Well, save for this one, there are a lot of things and people to be thankful for for today. Fanny Serrano for my make-up, James Cooper for my hair, Bausch and Lomb for my eyewear.... Seriously, just have to thank my family for really bearing me for the past 28 years and for the dinner treat. My co-residents for the non-stop chow sessions. My pupplet, for the chocolate cake though i am currently abstaining from chocolates (but i did eat a little...more!) Cris for the cake (chocolate torte) and for again tempting me to eat those chocolate toppings. Paolo for the lechon (i really forgot what he promised). Of course, my friends who never forgot to greet me: texts, calls, emails, etc and for the gifts. I might have remained awake until the wee hours of the morning thanking them back for the greetings yet the feeling that i am remembered overcame my sleepiness.

Goodness, what more can i wish for? For my 28th birthday, i wished for nothing. Partner in life? Nah! Better wish it yourself for me. They say wishes are answered when other people wish it for you. In my prayers, i no longer ask for something. I am quite contented with my life right now that "Thank you Big Dad" is all that i can utter.

Ripple Effect

Another miracle again happened in the mass tonight. A miracle that in a Sunday mass at a from-duty status, i didnt fall asleep. Was it just because the priest left his pulpit and stood almost right in front of me? Maybe i was way too conscious to do some "headbanging" again during mass for someone who knows me from the backseats might see me. Seriously, the homily today just got me. I was all ears during the homily and almost released my tear dams during communion. Tsk..tsk...recollection songs like "Lead Me Lord" really would touch my heart.

Yep, i did find my purpose in this hospital i am in. I could remember however those times when i found all my efforts so futile. I was in the verge of depression thinking that the things i was doing were nothing. The homily tonight however affirmed one thing. I just have to keep on going. Finish what i have started. The little kindness that i was doing wasnt just nothing. It could be likened to the tiny drop of water creating a ripple in the ocean.

I am not planning to deliver a homily here. What im just trying to say is that, in times when i needed strength, the Great Architect knows how to send me some. He always seem to tell me to continue being a tiny drop in this vast ocean i am in. Even a minute drop of water could create a ripple, disturbing the calmness of the water.

The little kindness that i could give to single patient of mine might not be of value to me. Little did i know that this little kindness could go a long way - the ripple effect as the priest would describe it. For my 28th birthday, i know that i have not done great things. I still am the ordinary yet toxic resident doctor in a government institution. I still am the girl who have pms and tantrums from time to time. I still am the sleepy housemate. I still am the both stubborn and obedient daughter. I still am the elder sis who's both strict and crazy. Still the old friend but now forgets birthdays (ooops). I still havent started world domination. Not even started to create my own memorial foundation. All i know is that at least, my little act of kindness is a big gift to someone needing it best. My little goal for my 28th year? To continue extending this little kindness even to one person, everyday. I know this wouldnt just make someone happy. I know that i would be pleasing best that Someone i owe the whole 28 years im enjoying.

April Fool's

It's my first day at work after my so-called forced leave. Was full of energy, full of enthusiasm, full of life for my duty today. Was just surprised to know however upon reaching the hospital that starting today, the 1st day of April, i'll be going on duty now as a senior resident. For the whole 24-hours, it'll just be my 1st yr co-resident, the junior interns, the post-graduate intern and me. No more senior to refer to, all referrals end with me. I was expecting that this was a joke. Can i take such big responsibility? Can i handle all referrals that will be thrown at me? My seniors would definitely not allow this kind of set up this early. I'm just in the 4th month of my 2nd year training.

The whole day, I was expecting that i could hear..."Gotcha cel! April fool's!" Well, it's already the 2nd, April fool's over, it's 3 in the morning yet i heard not this punchline. Reality check, I'm really going on duty as a senior resident now. What to do? What to read? How would i act?

Nah! Proper question is, "What more can i do?" Now that i've plunged in and all wet, i just have to enjoy and swim. Besides, if i really am determined to be an internist, an Internist is always ready...and even if she is not, she will try her best to be.

My Birthday Gift to Myself: To Stop Intellectualizing

In a couple of days, i'll be spending my 28th year here on earth. Woohoot! I'll be 20-10 then 2 years after. I really dont know why things have been reminding me today that "hey, you're not getting any younger." I am not alarmed though. Really. The panic buttons are still cool and way too far from my reach.

Shucks! I really dont know why im feeling this way. People have been threatening me: should i choose isolation or generativity? As one of my friends emailed me. Yet, i feel no fear. I feel no cause of alarm. One of my sisters even teased me during dinner tonight that by the time my child finishes college, i'll be a 3-legged freak. In short, i'll be having a walking cane already. They even asked me how many children i wanted to have. Hell, i dont even have a plan of having a boyfriend for now and they're asking for the number of kids i would want to have?

My contemporaries and even those younger than i am are mostly married and are already raising kids. Some who are single are even worried, way too worried that they'll end up single for life. What's the big deal with being single? I on the other hand as one of my bestfriends would say didnt even for once tried to enter a relationship. And they're thinking that it was that easy? For some maybe, not for me. A colleague even asked me once why it was hard for us to submit to a guy. The kind that you entertain suitors even if you dont like him. She was wondering why other girls who have just broken up with their boyfriends would be entertaining new guys a few weeks or months after. Is it because they have stopped intellectualizing and just started feeling? Just a wild guess on my part.

Fact is, my brain's quite more powerful than my heart that everytime i feel for someone, this brain of mine processes information faster than normal. It's like an alarm was triggered in my hypothalamus that instead of feeling love, it's functioning on the contrary. It doesnt just receive information, it analyzes it and even projects it 10-years after. Questions like, Is he really the one? Is he a hubby material? What will my children look like when the other genes came from him? Will i have security with him? What will he look like when we grow old? Can i imagine myself growing old with him? Well, i really couldnt stop my brain from functioning such. It might be programmed to scrutinize men and not to fall for them.

Thinking further, another friend of mine was right. This is just one of the defense mechanisms that we project. Truth is, we are more of scared people. Afraid to fail, afraid to commit mistakes even in the relationships that we're going to enter, afraid to get broken hearted, afraid to show our vulnerability. See? My brain even analyzes my own self. The real score actually is that we are afraid that we'll be stupefied. Once our hearts get to overcome our brains, we sometimes become beings we didnt expect ourselves to become. Love makes us stupid that's why.

As a birthday gift to myself, and by giving in to most people's request, i'll try, even for once not to intellectualize. It will be hard alright. Intellectualization is more of a reflex for me. I'll be myself's guinea pig. I just have to shut all switches in my brain and prevent my neurotransmitters from functioning. How? This i have yet to discover. This is not however my way of saying that i would want to have a boyfriend. I just would like to make it clear. As for now in terms of plans for having a relationship, things are as clear to me as mud. It isnt just in my priority list. Wait till i get 20-10. Might be pushing on the panic button dead hard.=)

Early Birthday Gift

After whining and ranting in this blog about my job and my toxicity, at long last, my greatest dream, which was to have a break, was granted! Now, the break that i'm savoring is coming to an end. The day after tomorrow, i'll be back to reality. I'll be back to 24-hour duties, to the crap hospital, the place of the sick and the dying, and i'll be assuming the role of a doctor again! Yipee! (a sarcastic hurray actually).

Seriously, i just have to be thankful for this 1 whole week of break from work. It for once broke the routine, boring work that i have. I was able to rest my unknown to me, tired body. If i didnt have tonsillitis, i didnt realize that my immune system's already giving in. Well, after a complete bedrest and yep! literally enough sleep, my dear tonsils got ok (or maybe after i threatened them that i'll have them removed).

Ahhh i miss work. Haha i am serious. I really miss work. My co-residents, the bo's sessions, 24-hour duties. I didnt realize that staying at home would be more boring.hehe It's like i've been used to waking up early in the morning for work and now that im savoring my break, my body clock still wakes me up early. After having a late breakfast, lying on the couch and do channel surfing, i'll try net surfing next when i get bored. When my eyes would get strained from staying online for quite some time, i'll take naps. When i wake up, i'll realize that i have nothing to do. Opening my book might make my time worthwhile but it makes me sleepy again. In short, i still would want to push through with my wicked plans. That is, to put shabu in microcapsules and embed them in the bookpaper so that while im reading my medical books and eventually feel sleepy, i could just rub my fingertips on the bookpaper and sniff them.hehe Well, cosmetic brochure inspired eh.

Tsk...tsk...sometimes i get to think that i really am not contented with life. I think i should add something in my life's mantra. It's not just living life without expectations but also being contented with life. I have been whining about my work yet now that i was given the break, i eventually missed it.

Nah, the reason i guess why im feeling this way is that hospital work is my life. The reason why i feel bored right now is because i'm not used to this kind of life. Well, i know now why the great architect put breaks in between. These breaks are pit stops for us to refuel and to once again continue on our journey. Being granted this break is truly the greatest birthday gift i had. This break pulled me away from my current work and it let me see it from another view. This break recharged my energy, overhauled my tired body and is once again preparing me for another year of 24-hour duties. Haha it's nice to know that there's a life planner out there. I couldnt help but be thankful for everything that's been happening in my life. In a few days, I'll be spending one-fourth of a century plus three here on earth. If He has given me this break as a birthday gift, i think the greatest gift that i could give Him back is for me to continue on loving my work and to live up into the kind of physician that He wanted me to be.

Life is Beautiful

I know...i know, this post's title sounds ironic if i'll compare it with my previous entry. Ive been whining how cruel life was when it gave me tonsillitis upon munching just three pieces of chocolates. Despite all of this though, in general, life is still beautiful. Haha, my fave old adage,"Life is beautiful" once again came into life. Why? For several reasons. There are reasons why it was buried inside my mothballs-smelling wooden box ("baul" to be exact) and there are also several reasons why it was risen from the dead.

When i was in medschool, i've had all the reasons to say that life was beautiful. Yep! Even if medschool was tough, i was able to survive it. Back then, I was still unexposed to the "real world" where "real life" exists. How can i feel real poverty when i was having my internship in a tertiary private hospital in cavite and studying in one of the expensive medical schools in the country? How can i feel real sickness when i am not that hands-on with our patients? We were just clerks, assisting our patient's needs. Our patients back then where laid in soft, comfortable hospital beds in airconditioned rooms. I was just dependent on my monthly allowance that i need not look for my own bucks. I never felt how difficult it was to work for your own money that spending it was quite easy. Life really is beautiful wasnt it?

When i reached residency training though, i was exposed to the "Real world". I witnessed how people die on the floor. I've experienced treating a patient with whatever is at hand, McGyver style. I've seen how miserable life is when you're sick, penniless, homeless and alone. I've felt for those who slept on the alleys with only cardboard boxes to protect their backs from the cold, bacteria-infested floors and oh not to mention those kittens and rats as big as cats running around at night. I've realized how precious your hard-earned money is especially if you earned it by having a thrice a week 24-hour duties most of which are literally sleepless. How can i say life is beautiful then? What beauty can i get from the poverty and sickness around me? What beauty can i appreciate from a crap, old, dilapidated hospital i am in? Nada...nil...nothing!

After being granted however my so called forced leave and having slept the whole day today, i could say that hey, there's still beauty in life. For the record, i was just away from the hospital for a day and yet i felt so refreshed and energized. The hospital might have sucked all the energies in me. Different poles attract dont they? Thinking also that in a few hours, i'm off to the paradise island of Boracay makes me feel how great, truly great the Big Guy upstairs really is. Before i left the hospital for the week, bonuses were also given...haha pocketmoney for the trip. Didnt inform my parents about this...plans to surprise my parents for taking charge of the dinner bill tomorrow night.

Well, life really is beautiful. This would be my last entry before i leave. Bringing along my laptop sounds ewwww, i'll be going to bora to swim and not to "surf"! I just hope that i'll be back with refreshed mind, heart and body and more blog entries.

Also, I wanted to find myself again. The one who's very grateful and enthusiastic with life. The one, who in the first place, brought me to this hospital that sucked all energy from me. As mom would say, i must be where i am needed and it's the hospital she's referring to. No worries. I'll be back. The hospital might suck all the energies from me but just imagine how genius that great architect is...He knows when i needed to be recharged.

A Sense of Dignity

Dignity...a sense of pride and self-respect; a condition of being worthy of respect, esteem and honor.

I have been in this hospital for two years now...no make it three if i would include my internship here. For three years, i have been exposed to the harsh realities of life. This exposure would either crush or lift my spirit up...depending on my hormonal status (now im blaming my pms again). Who would imagine that this institution, located almost in the heart of the city, is a jungle? A jungle where survival of the fittest is the mantra. Our patients are all sick alright, but what i mean is that financially and emotionally, these patients of ours must equip themselves with these necessities in order to survive.

If i were to define dignity the way encarta would have it, this "necessity" would be the sparsest in our hospital. Not to include my patients who are financially incapacitated, majority of our patients lack dignity...a sense of self-worth. Picture this out...people from the marginalized areas of our province rushing to our hospital to seek medical care. As doctors, this we could provide. How about the medical facilities that are essential for our treatment? Medications, intravenous solutions and yep! even just a warm hospital bed? Truth is, they are very scarce compared with the number of admissions that we have everyday.

If these patients of ours were living in a shanty or in the sidewalks maybe, i am thinking that these people being sick, needs comfort to ease their physical illness. What comfort can you get however from sleeping in a cardboard box? Worse if they are located in the alleys where people walk to and fro. Yep! We examine patients kneeling and everytime i do this, my heart bleeds. Where's privacy? Where's dignity? If these patients are dying, dont they deserve a more decent death?

What's even worse is that the hospital administrators dont seem to observe this. They are too absorbed in their own issues. Fighting for position and popularity is all that they do. Stone throwing is their expertise. This hospital is a miniature Philippines. Those in power arent aware of the number of people who are hungry and are dying.

I feel for my patients. This could also be my reason for staying here. If i am having a hormonal surge, i would be in a depressed mode. Now that pms havent visited me yet, im looking at things on a brighter light. If the administration couldnt do its part well, as a doctor, who comes in contact with the patients everyday, i could do something for them. Not only can i give them the best that i could offer in treating them, but i could also provide them a sense of dignity that nature deprived them of.

A condition of being worthy of respect, esteem and honor, dignity's other definition. They may be sleeping in cardboard boxes, deprived of money, family support and dying. Dignity i guess is not self-generated. It's freely given. Now i realize why these patients of ours could survive sleeping in cartons. For themselves, they may lack self-worth. With the way we treat and look at them however, you know, human beings who deserve every respect we could give, we rekindle the little that they possess. Believe me...a touch of care and the respect that we give them are also vital in their healing. This i could proudly say is never scarce for they're freely given by the men and women doctors of our hospital. Now, i'm not plugging...I don't need to plug for patient's kept on coming. Yep! Equipped with cardboard boxes or folding beds!