It's In the Can

Two weeks have passed since I took the diplomate board exam. Still, I am uncertain about the result of the said exam that I've been putting all my plans on hold. Am I really meant for subspecialization training or should I take a rest and have a time of my life for a year? My senior residents are already expecting me to join them in Manila. Here I am though, confused and still praying for the best. People have been telling me that I will make it - I just don't have enough confidence though. Is it lack of faith or simply a coping mechanism so as I won't get disappointed?

This exam is another determining factor in my medical career. Should I pass it, I shall pursue subspecialization training. This, I have been planning since several years ago in my so called Life plan. I felt very definite about this plan not until after I took the boards. I didn't realize that I will feel this uncertain about my future. I didn't even have an alternative plan in case I can't make it. People who know me say that it's in the bag that I must not worry. I don't know what's with me that I can't help but think about it and I usually refute them.

At present, I'm thinking about plan B in case subspecialization is not possible for this year. All my life, I have been planning everything that I would like to do. Not to the point of being an ob-c though. An obsessive compulsive I mean. I am not that organized but I too am not a scatter brain. Well, the Great Architect must have gone tired in assuring me of my future through the people I meet or the books I read. People tend to be more comforting and sympathizing just so to help make you feel better and books are made to usually help you feel better. This I always rationalize. So the Big Guy who holds His office upstairs didn't run out of ideas. He even used a softdrink can in reminding my stubborn self that I should expect for all good things. Who could refute an aluminum can? I'm silent now.

The Enlightened Bum

I have been whining about my "bumminess" here. Alright, there's no such word in the English dictionary but it's just another word in my vocabulary, for being a bum is currently my business. A week has passed and I'm still a bum. This time though, an enlightened bum. Today, I felt that I can do great things despite of being a bum. I realized that I can make extraordinary things out of this ordinary and boring life that i currently have.

Today, I'm highlighting entry #13 in my Revised 49 Things. There's no such thing as a coincidence but the moment that I felt the urge to fulfill entry #13, I immediately called up the missionary sister that I met once in the hospital and asked for a schedule. The schedule that I have in mind was a Friday and to my surprise, I really am needed for the said day.

So out of my usual extended bedtime, I woke up earlier today for today's mission. Off to the Missionaries of Charity I went for a free clinic. Kids and adults were there waiting in a queue for free medications. It's their dispensary day and the nuns there were giving out free anti tuberculosis medications for indigents patients. It's my second time in that place but seeing the nuns and the patients all together, I fell in love with the place all over again. I'm sorry. I didn't take pics. I just don't feel like it. I mean...I don't find it proper. I abhor individuals who go to medical missions or charity works for photo ops. Also, if it's for blogging purposes, I respect the privacy of the residents and patients of the said institution. Enough for rationalizations now for not having a pic to post here. Alright, I took a pic! Just one pic. I find these kids cute. Look at them seated on a high chair that can accommodate 5 kids! (picture edited for privacy reasons again)


I get to see a number of patients. After that, one of the nuns there toured me around the area. I felt different when I was there. Here I am, a bum, meeting other fellow bums. Yet these bums helped me realize a lot of things. I may be temporarily out of job but here I am, in the midst of the "real" unemployed. There were adults there too. Left by their families under the care of the nuns there. These kids have parents actually but their parents can't support them. In this place though, they can eat three square meals a day plus afternoon snacks. They have a warm, clean bed to lay their backs and they have "mothers" who take care of them.

When I asked the nuns on how they could sustain their residents there? They rely on Divine Providence, was their answer. Truly, Divine Providence manifested right before my very eyes. While consulting a patient, an SUV entered the compound and the woman driver asked one of the helpers to take the two sacks of rice from the car. She's a regular benefactor according to the nuns. The medications there too were in gallons and in bulk. Most came from donations. The food that the children were eating was a complete meal. Better I'm sure than the ones that they'll be eating in their own homes.

I felt blessed being with them. I may be deprived of employment now, but these people were deprived of a lot of things. The most important of which is the gift of family. All of them including the missionary sisters there were not with their families. The small community that's thriving there though served as one big happy family for each one of them. I have a family to go home to. Food in my table and a warm soft bed. What more can I ask for?

I felt hopeful. Hopeful that everyday, Divine Providence shall come to provide my needs.
Hopeful that everything that's happening in my life is all under the Great Architect's plans for me. Hopeful for the current residents there too. That someday, they may be reunited with their own families.

I felt useful. Despite of claiming that I am bum, I was given the faculties and the ability to treat the sick. Even the talent to make old people and kids laugh. My being unemployed was used by the Great Architect as a blessing to these people. I've been waiting for this experience. It's just that work got in the way. Now that my time is mine, today's an opportunity and I'm glad that I didn't let it pass.

I felt enlightened. It wasn't I who was a blessing to these people. Rather, I was the one who's truly blessed for meeting them. In the silence of my heart, now being immortalized here in this blog, I'm committing myself to serve the community there over and over again...bum or bum-no-longer, it would no longer matter.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Ha-ha-ha-hachoooooo! Sniff! Sniff! I'm sorry for my absence. This blog has collected dust and webs again.hehe Just got back from the battlefield and my brain is literally drained. I've got too many things to blog about but I'm just too damn tired to write about it.hehe

Well, Garando woke me up from my slumber so here goes my 1st blog after being back from my so called hiatus.hehe Presenting, my first award from the blogosphere!tee-hee

"This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion is brilliant."

Well, what can I say but thank you. To Garando, who happens to be my high school big brother, Manong, is there a bias here? Maybe we're just friends that's why I get to receive this award.hehehe Been in the blogosphere since what? 3-4 years ago? It's just now that my "trash" gets to be recognized.hehe Hmmm is it because people nowadays are starting to love "trash" in order to save mother earth?hehe Nah! Like you, I wanted to maintain a low profile status...hehe Unlike your blog though that can entertain the public, my posts can irritate them. Who would love to read somebody else's trash?hehe

My big thanks also goes to fellow bloggers who believed that they can get something from what I dump here.hehe Don't you worry guys. As a physician, I'm trying my best that the trash i'm posting here is good for public consumption. The rest remain as drafts - I just post them in order to let things out of my system. Other than that, I don't let anyone read them unless you have an access to those drafts.hehe Rest assured, what you're reading here won't give you a heart attack or stroke. The most that you can get is a heavy heart but not to the extent of having an infarction.hehe

So do I need to post 10 Honest things about me too?hehe Well, here it goes...

1. I'm barely five feet tall...that's why when I was in high school, I don't stand next to Garando.hahaha
2. I don't eat big fishes...blue marlin...tuna...fish are friends people, not food.hehe
3. I started school when I was barely 2 years old and I graduated from school when I was 25. Yet at 30, I'm still taking those brain whacking exams.
4. I have an allergy to seafood but I love seafood! So antihistamines never leave my bag.
5. Since I grew up with boys, I'm more comfortable with guys than with kikay girls...Ooops i'm straight I just happen to be one of the boys.
6. I don't like drunk people...synonymous to letting alcohol reign their reason and intelligence?
7. I grew up in a "No boyfriend policy when still in school".
8. That's why...Morphine is my first "official" boyfriend..with emphasis on the official...hehe
9. I bake, I cook, I just have no time for it.
10. I've been wanting to become a spinster.hahaha

Can I give the award again to the giver? Will you post another honesty entry, manong?hehehe I'll give this award to my friends in "My Blog List." These are the blogs I often visit.

The rules:

When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to said person so everyone knows he or she is real.

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have 7 friends. Show the 7 random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Weblog.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. List at least ten honest things about yourself. Then, pass it on!

The New Entry

I have a blank entry in my 49 things. Today, I decided what I should place in #11. I must have a grade of at least B+ in my Lakbayan list! I need more Mindanao trips! Will a trip to Basilan give me a B+ instantly?hehehe

My Lakbayan grade is C! (I am EMBARRASSED! Sob!)

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.


Thanks to the creator of Lakbayan...at least I know how far I have to go for my Wow Philippines adventure.hehe Save! Save! Save! Oh, before anything else, I must have a NikonD40 before the trip!hehehe Save! Save! Save! Save More!

Let's Get Morbid

When I was younger, I could remember talking with some co-morbid friends about death. We were talking about our death wish. That time, I wished that I would want to die in my sleep. Dying in one's sleep was I thought painless. You just didn't wake up the next day, that's all. So I thought. Until I personally witnessed a friend's death - in his sleep. I didn't realize that no one just die in their sleep for no reason. There must be a cause why this now cadaver failed to breath.

Wallah! What am I talking here? I am morbid I admit. Actually I believe that death is something that we must face. It's inevitable and it's a fact of life. It's just that we manage not to mind it because of the pain that it might bring to us or to our loved ones. Being in the health profession helped me in a way to embrace death and to befriend it. So the reason why I could talk about it anytime I want to without the goosebumps or eerie feeling. I don't mean though that by embracing death, we could take our own life into our own hands.

My apologies, this is another after effect of reading several chapters from Harrison's. Not to mention the news I read from inq7.net early today. Two cases of suicide! Both were business tycoons...one a million, the other a billionaire. What a great news to start my day. Been wanting to blog about it early today but I just don't want to start my day about morbidities.

In the hospital where I worked, we fought death to the last breath for our patients and their families. We valued life even that of a patient without a name. I just can't help but be affected by that news on suicide. These happened in two different continents in a matter of hours. I'm not so sure if they know each other that they planned to die on the same day. What saddened me though was the fact that the German billionaire was already in his 70's. The time when you're supposed to enjoy what remains of your good old life while waiting for your recall. He couldn't wait that long though. I'm not judging them and they don't even know me so what they heck. I'm just concerned about a life that's lost. That's all.


After picking some knowledge and wisdom on the road in my life's journey, my wish of dying has changed. I don't want to die in my sleep. I realized that for death to be less painful and scary, one must be prepared for it. How can I be prepared or my loved ones be prepared about my own death if I simply don't wake up the next day? So my wish would be I would want to die of a chronic disease. You know, you already have an idea ahead of time that your days are counted. By slowly memorizing Harrison's here, I could name a lot! A whole lot! The reason why I still can't decide what disease I would like. I just wish that the chronicity of my disease will not render me ugly, demented and debilitated. I don't want my family to suffer the consequences of such wish of dying from a chronic disease. Wiping my behind? Giving me bath? Feeding me via a nasogastric tube? (Aaaack!) If this happens, then "chronic" will have a new definition of 3 days.

Maybe when I say chronic and non-debilitating, I still have my full faculties to do what I want. A 3 or 6-month notice would be enough for me to prepare my last will, to say my thank you's to people I owe my deepest gratitude. To say "i love you" to the people I value. "I'm sorry" to the people I might have caused pain. To spend more time with the people I will surely miss. To appreciate and complement the people around me. To value a small act of kindness and to do one every day of what remains of my time. To give someone a big bear hug or simply a pat on the shoulder. To smile, to laugh out loud for simple joys. To dance or to sing under the rain. To fulfill what I could do in my 49 things. Three months to enjoy life is like reminiscing my whole 30 years and summing them up in 3 months. Emphasizing the value of quality of life over it's quantity.

I'm talking too much here. In simple words, I just want to share a New Year's promise that I made with myself: To be more expressive with what I feel and not to deprive the people I love with what's due to them. In this way, I know I can never be sorry whether I'll die in my sleep or in 3 months' time of a chronic illness. Definitely not suicide.

PMS Overdrive

Exactly 19 days from now, I'll be facing another challenge in my medical career. The specialty boards is giving me this big pressure...bigger than the one I felt during the medical board exam. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Expectations from a lot of people maybe? I'm reviewing a sample board question and boy! I didn't expect some of the questions to be very specific. I feel so inadequate and unprepared now. Two volumes of Harrison's is just too much to handle if I feed my teenie weenie brain with all the data and information that I can get from it. I'm afraid I might die of indigestion!

I know it! This is once again another PMS attack. Labile emotions, senti moments, active tear glands, minus the irritability, for the month of January. You see, I've been seated on this bed for weeks now with good ol' Harrison in front of me. The only contact I have with my immediate outside world is when I join the family for meals. Other means would be the cellphone beside me and of course, the blogosphere and the cyberworld when sleepiness overpowers me. Therefore, I have a great time of my life being in touch with my emotions. Imagine me wiping off some tears while watching a supposed to be romantic-comedy this afternoon. Inappropriate affect? Ugh!

All the anxieties, all the fears, all the pressures, plus my PMS attack, they're enough to open my tear dams. So spare this cry-baby for now. I'm just drawing some strength from my inner child. This is a personal battle I believe. Mom feels so sorry that she can't be of help to me. Prayers is all that she could offer and I do need it most. Morphine too feels helpless. I hope he can make it here during his break. His presence is more than enough to give me strength. Comforting myself, I saw this whiteboard right beside my bed. Written five years ago during my med school days, I cried even more after reading what I wrote. After that crying bout though, I felt so relieved from whatever it is that brings heaviness to my heart. I began to reminisce those times when I was so down and I wrote this. I was also very anxious if I could really make it through medical school that time.


Fast forward five years to the present, I'm done with residency training. I made it through medical school and the medical boards and I made it through residency training. So for the specialty boards, I expect for all good things...I have to expect for all good things. Yep! This too shall pass! This PMS too shall be over...soon! Big Dad loves this cry-baby more than I do. I have to remember.

Oh, this needs a chocolate fix. There's that big bar of Hershey's in the ref downstairs! Yahoo!

I'm tired. Been very busy the whole day preparing for a party. I don't even have enough energy left to post how the party was and what it was all about. All I can say right now is that I'm not minding what I feel at all. This isn't even enough for what she has done for me all through these years. For the sweetest and the most understanding mom in the world, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You just don't know how thankful I am of you.

By the way Nay, here's to answer that one thing you've been worrying about me.
"It's not that I would want to remain single or I don't want to get married. I want to be an understanding and loving wife to my husband, like you are to Tatay. I want to raise my kids the way that you did to us. I want my family to be like ours. Fact is, I just feel that I still fall short of being like you. Thanks for everything and I love you!"

The Ingrate

WARNING: Bitchy post ahead. I'm sorry to spoil your new year but I just can't help posting this. Anyway, you always have an option not to read this.


I'm fuming right now and I need this thing out of my system as a damage-control measure. Blog! Blog! Blog! I need to express this through this blog! For you see, just a few minutes ago, I heard a news that's not really good to the ears...and heart. It came from my parents so I'm ruling out gossip here.

There's this woman who serves in the church with my parents. She has a history of urinary bladder stone for several years now and has been scheduled for operation since then. Since she doesn't feel anything wrong with her system other than frequent episodes of urinary tract infection and dysuria (painful urination), she didn't consider the procedure, until recently when she was excruciating in pain and could no longer attend the church activities. She consulted at the hospital where I work and was given an ultrasound request. Lo and behold, a once thumb-size stone is now as big as a chicken egg. She's under the service of the Department of Surgery so there is no other way that I could manage this case. Ethics also prevents me from meddling with the plans of the said department.

The case scenario is that the patient was once again scheduled for operation. They have to wait however for a week. There were a number of cases ahead of them and though she's in pain, her case was not life-threatening. So the relatives of this patient came to me. For a sole purpose. For her operation be made earlier than the scheduled date. As a resident in Internal Medicine, what power do I have over her surgeons? I calmly told them that I can't help them on that matter. Even reassured them that if their patient was able to tolerate her condition for years, she could wait for a week for the said procedure. The best that I did was to endorse them to the Chief Resident of the Department of Surgery. Take note, not just a senior resident but the Chief Resident himself. He even facilitated their clearances and schedule and all.

So this Ingrate underwent the said operation and got well. Even saw her during the New Year mass the other night. Sensitive that I am though, I felt that she was cold to me. Before, she would even hug me just to greet me. How couldn't she? I was supplying her with her antibiotics every time she's having another UTI. Even gave her all my sample medications for stones. This afternoon however, I heard from mom a distorted story. I allegedly "scolded" this Ingrate's relatives when they came to me - according to the Ingrate. I never scold my patients and my parents know me. Just because I wasn't able to help them with their demands, they would make up stories against me? Oh, they even told my parents about it. I'm really scared! WTF! Pardon for the acronyms. Actually what I mean is What's The Froblem?

Mom understanding that she is, explained things to her during their talk. Dad was silent. I know what he feels. Got some of his attitude because I was feeling the same thing. I'm more vocal though. My parents reassured me that everything's ok and that things were settled with the Ingrate. I must not mind them. No, but no! I'm not done yet. After all those help I've extended to her, because of just one request that I denied her, for it was really out of my jurisdiction, they would do that to me? To think these people who made up stories were even greeting me when I see them in church! Phonies! I wanted to meet them and to tell them to their face how ungrateful and immature people they are! It's ok if they are ungrateful so long as they don't character assassinate me out of their ungratefulness.

Sometimes, I would even love to serve and to help strangers. People I don't know. At least these patients are less demanding and are more grateful for even the little things that you do for them. I'm not expecting anything from my service to other people. I'm not even demanding for a Thank You. What I just want is justice. For them to be fair and not just to think about themselves. They're old enough to know what being fair is. I'm just disheartened to know that they are not.

I'm a bit relieved! My spirit is quite dampened though. At least my baby sister has her way of making me laugh. "Ate, you forgot? They sent you to medical school?" Wahahaha. Ah yep! I must be the one who must feel grateful to these people. They contributed a lot to my medical education. Tsk Tsk If they only knew how my parents struggled for my medical education. If there are people who could demand things from me, it's only my parents. Yet, my folks were even more considerate in asking favors from me. These ingrates though? Ugh! They're supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...I know...I know....I just have to understand them. Until when?

Something that Reminds Me Of

I soooo love these months. Nopes! Not the holidays. Spare me of the traffic, congested malls, unending parties and non-stop mastication and gastronomic exercises, puh-lease. I'm referring to the weather. Cold, cloudy, windy, and yep! windy - minus the rain. I've mentioned from another post that the "wind" deserves another entry so this one.

Something that reminds me of. Yep! The wind reminds me of something. I don't know what it is with the wind for like me, who is a walking irony of things, the wind too gives me those ironic feelings. I was in the mass last night and I was seated in my most comfortable seat in the chapel. Where else but the pew right next to the window grills. It's very strategic. I can see the altar and I'm seated next to the wall (autism qualification #1...avoids contact with a lot of people). At 9 o'clock in the evening, amidst the noise of the firecrackers and fireworks before the year ended, I felt so peaceful and comfortable. I can feel the wind in my face and it even gave me chills despite the fact that i'm wearing a jacket. This feeling was then followed by a very warm, comfortable and very secure feeling. A feeling as if someone so powerful hugged me very tight. Yep! Far more secure and comfortable than my morphine's bear hugs.

Ahhhh life! I may not know what lies ahead of me this year but last night, I just had a very warm bear hug from the Big Guy Upstairs. He knows the chaos that's going on in my mind and my heart right now. He knows my apprehensions and fears. He knows that I needed comfort and assurance for the New Year. Through the wind, He reminded me that everything's going to be okay. In my journey with life, I might feel cold and scared, but His hug is always there to tell me that I'm safe and I shall pass through things unscathed and unharmed.

As I'm posting this blog, I find inspiration from the wind that's blowing through my window. Cold yet comforting...it is calling me to bed faster than the aircon. Ugh! Which reminds me. I still need to talk with Harrison here beside me.

A blessed New Year everyone!

With Open Arms

Another year's about to end and with it is the closing of another chapter in my career. I'm done with residency training! Woohoo! After four long years...ummm, a few months in addition, I'm done with training - NOT! Huwaaat?hehehe I'm just comforting myself people. I'm just done with residency training. As I close this chapter, I'm bound to another chapter of my career. Tadaaan! God-willing, that would be another two years of subspecialty training! Ugh!

So maybe you guys are counting now. After two years of nursery, six years of grade school, four years of high school, four years of college, four years of medical school, one year of internship and four years of residency, now another two years of subspecialty, you might ask,"When will I earn the bucks?" or "When will I stop asking bucks from my parents?" or "When will family life come in here?" or "When will I stop training?" etcetera etcetera. This, my friends, is the gist of the life of a doctor minus the toxicity and drama of every 24-hr sleep-deprived duties.

Why am I counting all these years? Counting all these years is like counting all my blessings! I didn't mean to sound melodramatic here but who would have thought that my parents could support me all these times? Imagine a newly-wed couple who even borrowed money from their parents after their wedding for a jeepney fare? That's how my parents started their family life. Yet, they were able to send all four of us to school! Who else deserves the gratitude first but them.

Next in line would be my teachers, mentors, consultants. I will not be able to earn this degree, treat the sick or touch a life without them. More than anyone else, they deserve the honor for selflessly devoting their time and knowledge in molding young doctors like me.

My alma maters would come in next. The public grade school I came from and the Greeney University where I got my secondary to Medical education. I will never forget the virtues of faith, hope and love that it inculcated in my being. These are the weapons that I brought along as I journeyed on in life.

Friends who have been with me all the way. I don't make enemies but I only have a few friends...very close ones. People who knew the autistic side of me and believed that I could do great things despite of being figuratively, petite.

My understanding family. We just had our family reunion on my maternal side this afternoon and I met all the people who have been supportive to me if not financially, emotionally. My siblings who were there to cheer me up when toxicity overpowers me.

Fellow bloggers who followed this blog and read all my trash. You just don't know how refreshing it is to unload my burden here especially when I was still in training. Reading your comments make me in a way in touch with the cyberworld. It lightens my spirit and helped me going.

Angels who disguised in other people's form just so to help me in my life's journey. Include my patients who were also my mentors. Of course to never forget some difficult and unreasonable patient's folks. They taught me lessons on patience and tolerance. I couldn't remember a time in my 30 years of existence that I really felt so down. There would always be someone who will help make life a bit kinder to me. Yep! Even in the midst of difficult and unreasonable patient's folks.hehe

Who would forget the Great Architect who holds His office Upstairs? That Big Guy Upstairs who pampered me all throughout my existence. Who made life beautiful for me. If I worry over things like my upcoming exam or my subspecialty training it's because I'm thinking that I might not be able to do those difficult things well knowing how pampered I am. He has been making ways for me all the time and I can't even understand what's with me that He makes me feel so loved. Oh well, since I mentioned His love for me, this would be enough to throw all those worries away. Face the next year and next chapter of my life with open arms. Bring them on!

Happy New Year Everyone! Hope this New Year would remind us how truly blessed and loved we are.

Super Thankful

Last year, I posted my 49 Things. Well, they are 49 things before I die...err I mean get married. In other words, I'll only get married once I'll be able to fulfill all of these.hehe I guess the year 2008 and the rest of my 30 years of existence were really great. I might not have the time to make a "Thank you" entry before the year ends, and since I felt the great comfort from the Big Guy upstairs during the mass this afternoon, it's but timely to be thankful right now. There's really something with the wind that makes me feel His presence. Well, this deserves another entry.

Anyway, as a review of my 49 things, here they are again. Just in case someone with a good heart reading this would grant me one request. A free trip maybe?hehe By the way, I realized that there are some entries here that changed in time. You know, change of priorities and plans, etcetera. I think it would be wiser if I modify them.hehe This is my list anyway. Who begs to disagree?hehe

Note: The green ones were fulfilled this year...the rest of the highlighted entries were already done.=) I couldn't thank Him more!=)

1. Go bungee jumping - still hoping! There's a zipline at Tagaytay I've heard. This could substitute.hehe
2. Go Skydiving - I'm not sure if there's one in Pampanga. I hope in 2009 this will be highlighted.hehe
3. Train in Neurology - hmmmm, change of plans...it's RHEUMATOLOGY. It's a subspec still.
4. Train in US - PGH is the wiser choice as of this time...blame the economy.hehe
5. Buy an Ipod
6. Get to Mindanao
7. Tour around Asia - can I count 1 trip as "around Asia" already? At least I started the ball rolling this year.hehe
8. Own a house by the sea - a "kubo" will suffice so long as it's by the sea.
9. Go to Disneyland - free tickets anyone?hehe
10. Publish a book - would having a blog be considered? (same question as last year's)
11. Compose a song - very far-fetched! I plan to put a new entry here! Think! Think!
12. Sponsor a scholar
13. Serve the Missionaries of Charity - already visited the place one time but the nuns were not around. At least I had an attempt.hehe
14. Go to Calcutta, India - after the bombing at Mumbai recently, I'm having a change of mind.hehe
15. Learn to drive - already have my student permit. wink* wink*
16. Own a car - house? car? which comes first? Hmmm, I'll think about this once I'm done with subspecialization.hehe
17. Go to Batanes - not during stormy season.
18. Go out on a real date - with my morphine alright...noone else.hehe
19. Do stargazing under the bora skies with someone special - hmmm, hopefully 2 years from now, this will be in highlight.
20. Travel with someone special - hehehe morphine and I's next plan...Amazing Race Asia! Of course I'm kidding! I was sleeping all the time during that 6-hour trip what more in longer ones.
21. Send my parents to a vacation - i mean a grand vacation. I have to win the lotto.
22. Help send a sibling to school
23. Own a Canon SLR camera - once there's a handy and light-weight one.hehe
24. Go parasailing
25. Be in two places at the same time
26. Write my autobiography - can a resume be counted as one?hehe
27. Learn to swim
28. Learn to ride a bike
29. Go scuba diving
30. Make a compilation of my pictures of sunsets
31. Travel out of the country with my family - will travel with mom be considered "family?"
32. Eat baskets of strawberries with salt
33. Do someone a favor everyday
34. Learn another dialect
35. Learn another language - french, spanish, italian, im still thinking
36. Meet the pope - i was at first referring to John Paul II - now we have a new pope!
37. Go to Rome
38. Ride a helicopter
39. Live on my own - INDEPENDENCE!!! (sooooooooooon!)
40. Travel to new places on my own
41.Have a rooftop garden complete with landscaping - overlooking the sea...with a very nice sunset view? isn't it lovely?hehe
42. Buy my parents their golden wedding rings - bought them silver rings during their 25th year i hope i could buy them their rings on their 50th...=)
43. Go white water rafting
44. Put up a foundation - my memorial foundation?=)
45. Surprise someone
46. Touch a life - i believe im doing this
47. Write my last will
48. Fall deeply in love - hmmm took the risk - finally...hehe My head still rules my heart though.
49. Commit without fear - still struggling on this one but morphine tells me I'm doing good.hehe

Hmmm, with the rate I'm running, the long-term plans I have here (see entry #42) and some far-fetched entries (see entry #11), I guess I'm really bound to get married at 49. Well, this is really what the list is for - to keep me from getting married.hehehe I mean, to think things over before I take the plunge. Unless of course I'll once again change them or I'll break my condition.hehe

What's With "W"?

I'm having a break from Harrison's. This is in response to Garando's letter "W".hehe Just by the title alone, I already have 3 W's. Does this mean that I only need to post 7 things/names that start with W?hehe

1. Washington's Manual of Medical Therapeutics - another textbook that helped me through residency training
2. Webster's dictionary - i could remember it well that we were asked to bring this to school when i was in grade school. Pocket dictionaries were not allowed. Boy was it so heavy! (of course I omitted Merriam just so i could come up with a W...hehe)
3. Whoah! - one of my fave expressions
4. Whatever yaya ! - watch Bubble gang and you'll find out why this too is another fave of mine. Match this with upward rolling of eyeballs and a "W" hand sign.hehehe
5. Winston - my morphine's older brother.haha (nandamay ng iba.)
6. Westlife - one of the boy bands I liked as influenced by my baby sister.hehe
7. www. - can i count this as 3 entries?hehehe made life less boring for me.hehe
8. ward - one thing that I'm missing right now. Ironic but i miss the toxicity of residency.hahaha
9. Wilson - the brand of my tennis racket that's 16 years old already and is still functional.hehehe
10. WAIS - this is what Garando is. He didn't give me an X or a Z but he gave me a W.hahaha Peace, manong!

Now back to our regular programming...=)

p.s.
obviously, I love to show my reliable and dependable pairs in this blog. They deserve to be given credits here. I couldn't make rounds in the wards without them.hehe

A Peaceful Christmas to Everyone!

For the holidays, all I wish for is Peace. Peace of mind and peace of heart. I guess by the number of blogs (a.k.a. trash) that I've posted just for this month, you can tell that I do need some peace. Peace from what? Aaaargh! It's the specialty board exam! And it's exactly a month from now! Pressure! Pressure!

Anyway, hope you'll find peace in these pictures. Took them on my flight to Bangkok early this year. Been wanting to take pictures of clouds while in a flight but I only have my camera phone with me all the time. Yep! A law abiding citizen that I am, I didn't attempt to turn my phone on even if it has a flight mode (which unfortunately is not allowed too...why the heck is this function added to our phones by the way?). Equipped with a digicam on my trip, I savored the moment of taking these cloudscapes. (Subtext: Picture me drooling over those cloud formations.)

A BLESSED AND PEACEFUL HOLIDAY SEASON EVERYONE!

My favorite. I'm using this as my wallpaper for Taffy and my fone.

When Will the Holidays Be Over?

I was on my way to the hospital this afternoon and I didn't know that our city's got already a bumper to bumper traffic as early as 2 o'clock! Goodness gracious! When will the holidays end? A once 10-minute drive to the hospital now became almost 30 minutes!

As if the bumper to bumper traffic was not enough, there's a bumper to bumper traffic too at the mall! Walking through the alleys of the supermarket area at SM was like lining up for the counter. Was about to turbo broil a chicken for dinner but to my dismay, buying one dressed chicken and some veggies would take me more time than buying an already roasted chicken. Almost all of the counters there were open yet the carts and baskets were piling up. The express counter was not even standing to its name.

Took a breather in one of the bookstores there. Was about to buy gifts for friends and colleagues. I don't know why there were only a few people inside of it. Maybe it's with the name. It has Christian in it. No pun intended. I mean when people hear the word Christian or any religiosity to that matter, they become uncomfortable. It's Christmas but it's ironic that people missed what the name really is for. So there are only a few people buying books for gifts...I mean Christian books or stuffs? Maybe? Well, it's their choice. I just frequent this bookstore for gifts since even if I could buy cheap stuffs there, I find them valuable in essence. Oh, not to mention, there's no queue at the counter and there were only a few people there. Was tired though and my legs were killing me so I bought just one book before I decided to go home.

Met up with my youngest sister and we've decided that a roasted chicken is a better option than buying a dressed one. Actually, we just didn't have the energy left for cooking. As for the gifts I'm about to buy to friends and colleagues? Will be buying them as soon as the Holidays' over. Aaaargh! This is autism-overdrive at its purest!

What's With the G?

So I'm joining the meme thing in blogosphere. Got this from Sheng and she gave me the letter G! I have to give her 10 names or things that starts with G....okay now, I'm thinking....

1. G - my middle initial (hehehe as if i'm really maintaining my hidden identity here.)
2. G - my department chairman's family name
3. God - i can always rely upon
4. good girl - this is what i always am especially when i'm asking something from the previous entry.
5. geriatric - most of my patients are
6. Garando - my highschool big brother.hahahaha sorry manong couldnt think of anything more
7. Garandee - Garando's wife...haha...now that makes 2 entries already...leaving me with only 3 more
8. good time - this is what i always do when i get bored being an autistic...mang good time ng ibang tao. wicked me!hehehe
9. Gabriel - the name i would like to have for my son...he's my guardian angel too based on the day i was born.
10. Grems (for Gremlin) - my nickname in our peer group. The rest are Manang (for manananggal), Bampi (Bampira), Were (Werewolf), and Miswa (Aswang)...weird name for a weird group I guess.hehe

Saved By the Piggy

Why can't other people just do their work efficiently? I mean, if you were tasked to compute the employees' payroll and their taxes included, why can't you just do it correctly? I dont know if this has happened to other companies too but our accountant in the hospital failed to deduct our withholding taxes for the months of July and August because of adjustments chu-chu with the dependents of the taxpayers. Well, I really am not very knowledgeable when it comes to this. Been telling my sister (who happens to be an accountant) that I'll surely be needing her in the future to manage my finances (as if I really have a lot to count...I'm just being optimistic). Just so to make the long story short, the supposed to be withholding tax for July and August were deducted in my December's salary. Woohoo! Just when I'll be needing the bucks. Hey! It's Christmas! I'm not Uncle Scrooge so my loved ones and friends expect me to be giving them something.

There were rumors that came out that we will be receiving nothing for December. Great! How big will that salary deduction be for the withholding tax? My whole month of pay? Fortunately, got hold of my pay slip. The rumor was all wrong. Well, this is how rumors would run in a hospital I guess. At least I can withdraw some bucks from my ATM. To my surprise though, my withholding tax amounted to 8,+++ bucks! Well, part of it. Another 3,+++ bucks were deducted from my hazard pay. In other words, I paid around 11,+++ bucks for my taxes!

I'm a good citizen! I'm paying my taxes! Congratulations self! Oh, I also would like to share this award to our very efficient accounting department. I made a budget for the month and this included the gifts i have to buy for my inaanaks. Just when I made a budget, I became short of it! Good thing my piggy bank came in handy. Been planning to open it up for Christmas for the past years. Well, my god children will at least receive a little something from me...a piggy bank maybe?

The Graduate's Farewell

After four years, I'll finally be leaving this crap hospital I've been whining about in this blog. It doesnt mean though that this site will be inactive too after my graduation. This site's been witness to all my disappointments and frustrations at work - that's why i call this as my emotional trash bin. Well, it accepted some of my pms fits and autistic moods too...without complaining. So the saga continues even after tomorrow.

Since i was asked by my juniors to prepare a speech...grrrr I hate speeches and I just dont feel comfortable talking in front (autistic mode: currently active), let me post the draft of my speech here. Well, i'll be typing it anyway so for convenience, i might as well post it here and print it later for my reference tomorrow. This is also one way of thanking not just the people around me but also those who had the patience and tolerance to read all my trash here.

I'm not good at saying goodbyes but let me grab this opportunity not to say my farewell, rather to thank the people who have supported me in this journey. As i move on in pursuit of further training and knowledge, it's but proper to recognize the "wind beneath my wings." I will never reach this height (i'm talking in metaphor here) if not for them.

My parents...for all the support and understanding. They never complained that their eldest daughter, after sending her to college then to medical school, had an extended adolescence. I was still dependent on their financial support even after I became a licensed professional...a professional bum in other words...for i was still asking for an allowance from them in my first few months at work. Now that i'll be undergoing further training, I'll be once again a bum to the highest level. I know that I can always rely on them for more support though. I couldnt thank them more for the love and understanding. They knew the problems and concerns that I'll be facing when i decided to enter this government hospital. They never stopped me though from pursuing my plans. My parents understand that despite my whinings and toxicity at work, I could find fulfillment in serving our less fortunate patients in this venue. Why cant they? Charity begins at home and my folks showed me how it is done while I was growing up.

My mentors...for sharing their time and knowledge without counting the costs. They're a bunch of fun-loving, service oriented, and knowledge-thirsty people. Consultants who are experts in their fields who spent their precious time with us, their residents, without pay. They could have spent an hour or two in their clinics and earn more bucks yet they chose to teach and train young minds like us. They could have spent more time with their families and kids yet they chose to mingle with us to mold our character - young physicians who shall grow "old" like them (no pun intented).

My colleagues...for the time and camaraderie. My sisters and brothers in my 2nd family. Residency training may not be as fun and memorable without them. Toxicity became bearable everytime we share some jokes or stories especially when it's over food. United we stood and supported each other against unreasonable folks, difficult patients and unreasonable and difficult nurses. My memories of you will forever be etched in my frontal lobe.

Our chairman...our department's big daddy. For believing in us even if we're considered as the underdogs in the city. Well, people tend to think that since we belong in a dilapidated and crap supposed-to-be-tertiary-regional-government hospital, our brains and skills go with the infrastructure too. Another reason might be because we treat the less fortunate, the social-welfare-dependent patients and the no-read-no-write who would sign consent for treatment using their thumbprints. With this, people would think that our brains are just a bit higher than that of our patients' level. Here's this man though who believed in us. Who encouraged us to give out our best and to stand for what we really are. Among others, he took the responsibility in molding our brains and character even if it entails more patience, more headaches, more PVCs and increased risk for another admission on his part.

Screeeeech! Stop me! I'm carried away. Might as well stop here for i might end up with my longest post ever. Still have a lot of people to thank and a lot of things to say but this isnt just the right venue. This basically is just the gist of what I'm planning to say. Starting on a few paragraphs already made my eyes moist. What more if i'll continue with this?

Geez! I have to wear a water-proof mascara and make up tomorrow. Sob!

Moving Out...Moving On

These are not for the famous fastfood-with-a-Big-Bee-Mascot campaign. These stuffs are mine and I brought them home from work. Coming from friends, interns, patients and pests (errr people who show you their best foot and yet you still find them obnoxious...whatever you call them), these toys found a home inside my locker. Since I'll be graduating this Friday from my training (sniff!), I've started to bring home some of my stuffs so that the new residents could make use of my space.

I'm moving out. Leaving the place I almost considered as my 2nd home gives me this separation anxiety. I'll be missing the people I have worked with for the past 4 years! This is the place where i found my niche. The only thing that's constant here on earth though so they say, is change. Change tells me that i have to move on. Not to remain stagnant, to achieve more and to reach higher. In exchange for this though is that I'll be leaving the people I got close with and I'll be leaving the life that I got used to.

My fluffy kids will surely miss their home too. There's no other way but to move on though. Embrace change...face the new challenges...find a new niche...meet new friends...and to find a new home for my fluffy kids in my room. Hmmm, they might look good in here.

How To Evaluate a Year - Based on the Number of Posts

The longest post title i had...hopefully the shortest post. (Wait i'll do a word count.hehe)

I'm currently having my break with my one on one talk with Harrison. He's such a bore believe me but I'm really trying my very best to like him. To be fair, i guess all textbooks were made to be boring so it's not really Harrison's fault if it's his nature to be one. Well, we've been together for four years and it's just now that I'm trying to get to know him to the bones. I mean every detail of him. With this, I'm starting to do some bargaining. If only i could go on 24-hour duty again in exchange of this talk with him, i am more than willing to do so...even make it 48 hours straight. My butt's flattened up already I guess due to prolonged sitting. Been shifting positions and locations just so to fight off sleepiness and to let my blood circulate only to find myself falling asleep with my marker pens soiling my shirt or my linens! Great!

So Taffy's a great help in times like this. Once Harrison starts to lull me to sleep, i just have to turn to Taffy. Either i'll play games, edit a movie project, or do what im currently doing...post something here. While thinking on what to post here, I realized that 2007 was a difficult year for me. Look at those number of posts i had. This is my trash bin and literally, i had those number of trash for that year...86? Oh, not to count the drafts that remained unpublished since they're not healthy for public consumption. Must have been the Chief Residency responsibility.hehe Looking back in 2008, this year's a bit milder for me. The year's about to end and I only have a handful of "trash" here. Strictly speaking, they're not even pure trash. Life must have been good to me this year. Since i only went on 24-hour duty until the middle of the year, my toxicity was lessened, my exposure to difficult folks and patients were minimized and I only have Harrison to deal with. Well, the boredom that I'm experiencing with him is not enough to be considered as a trash.hehe

Pressurized

Inhale...exhale...ahhhhh....inhale...exhale....ahhhh....I NEED A BREATHER!

Basically this is all that i wanted to say just to relieve myself of the pressure that's starting to build up from within me. The specialty board exam is fast approaching and i think i'm not even halfway with my review. The exam they say is more difficult than the medical board exam despite that the latter is consist of 12 subjects while the former basically just covers the two volumes of our specialty textbook. What with the modified, nose-bleed-true or false questions? I dont memorize things and i hate figures and these questions are kinda tricky. The examiner for example may opt to delete just one word in a certain statement in order to make this statement false. Just one word or one figure...that tricky.

What made things even more difficult for me are the expectations from my consultants and collleagues. Add the so called "slot" that i already have for my subspecialty training in one of the great hospitals in the country pending my exam result. Panic button on!

Ooooops, I'm a grace under pressure. I dont panic. I could manage a very toxic emergency room with a calm demeanor. I know this too shall pass. A lot of people pray for me. People say I have a very good signal to the Great Architect up there that my prayers are always answered.

Alright self, time's up for self-conditioning. Harrison's* already waiting to be devoured. Raaaaar!

subtext: Goodness! Just by the thought of what I HAVE to do after this makes me nauseated. Barf bag please?

*the textbook