New Inspiration

There arent enough trash to dump in here and our wireless connection at home just resurrected from the dead....so my "come-back" blog.

Actually, it's just so timely for today, i found a new inspiration. A new inspiration to blog about. Just when i'm worrying about petty matters in my life, i found the answer from someone i know. Someone just older than i am who faces a bigger enemy than i have. When i'm having battle with myself and my issues, she's having a battle with the big C. She has cancer. Cancer of the ovaries to be exact and she lost the organ that's supposed to complete her womanhood in the process. As a physician i know that her time is counted. Not that it's shortened for even a healthy individual can go ahead of her. It's just that she's given an estimate of how long she'll live. Her existence, quantified.

Life is short. She reminded me about it. I may not have the big C but i can never tell, my life might be shorter than hers. What to do now? Throw away all those petty concerns, reflect on all the blessings i have in my life and be thankful for them. Enjoy life, every second of it. Never to waste a single second on negative thoughts. To stay happy. To stay cool. To love unconditionally and without fear. To give fully without expecting anything in return. To discover how beautiful my life is and how blessed i am. Never give way to my hormonal imbalance (darn pms!). Rather, be thankful that i experience pms and i still have "them" - the organs that might produce another being as abnormal as i am.

Ahhhh life. I just can imagine myself without the Great architect in it. Without Him, i might totally make a great mess out of it. Just when i needed an inspiration (to blog and to get through this pms im having), He sent an angel to enlighten me. In return, i shall pray for this Angel. May she find more strength in the battle that she faces. May she find inspiration too from the people whose lives, she touched...mine included.

On Empty Nests and Dogs

My younger sister got married last May and is no longer staying with us. Our youngest sibling studies in the other island and goes home only during weekends or school breaks. My only brother left home for his board review in Manila, just yesterday. This left only my parents and I having dinner together tonight. Their four children who are all grown up now started to leave home except for the eldest, who happens to be me, who is "overstaying" at home. Nevertheless, only my parents are left for dinners when i am on a 24-hr duty since our helper goes to a night school.

Despite of being "autistic", i felt the silence at home. I feel for my parents whom, for 31 years were used to a not so quiet family dinners. During weekdays, it is only during dinner when we could gather all together and talk about our different lives. No longer now. I may attempt to talk about my work at the hospital but the not so talkative me would definitely tire out if noone's going to say his or her piece too. What happens would be just a mere exchange of words either between my mom and i or my dad and i - well, they happen to be together all the time so they could only share the same story.

Is this what happens when all the children have grown up? My parents are currently experiencing the empty nest syndrome. I knew this when heard mom and dad cracked a joke when they drove me to the hospital for duty one morning. A joke that made me ponder about my future. There are four of us in the family, only one got married but now, my parents are left on their own. They were joking that they will be once again childless come dinner time. I jokingly answered that they still have their youngest child with them. I suggested that they could let our dog , who feels and thinks that he is a human being and a part of our family, sit at the dinner table with them. They both gave out a good laugh. Well, at least i was able to lift their spirits up in a way.

As i walk away from the car, i realized that having four children in the family is not enough. For when everyone grows up, noone will be left at home. Does this mean that i would want a bigger family if i'll have my own? Nah! What i only wanted to say is that, even if i would have a dozen kids, i too would want to have a dog. Why a dog? It doesn't go to school, therefore, need not be away for a board review thereby, can't find a job that might render it to go on a 24-hour duty at the hospital. Also, dogs dont get married and leave home. Yep! I would want to have a dog.hehe

Burger! Burger!

I was all prepared for duty today. Have to sleep a bit earlier last night just so i could have enough sleep in preparation for today. My scrubs and the next day clothes were in my duty bag. Programmed myself that today's another "attack mode day." Wore my most comfortable clothes. An outfit ready for "battle". Woke up earlier than usual and off i went with my big duty bag to the hospital.

As i entered our conference room, all my co-residents were all eyes on me. It seemed as if they were asking me a question until all of them made a very good laugh. I was still in wonder not until another asked me what that big duty bag i was carrying is for. I AM NOT ON DUTY TODAY! Toink! Reality striked me in the face. Actually i was never aware that i am not supposed to go on duty today. I never look at our daily schedule. I am aware that i should go on duty every 3 days. I didnt realize though that tomorrow's another month and there will be change of services in the wards so the change in the schedule.

Whew! So what happened after they all laughed at my early morning bloopers? Everybody chanted the famous commercial line...BURGER! BURGER! BURGER!

Who's To Blame?

At around 9:30 in the morning today, i discovered that my fone's not picking up any signal from my network. I was at first thinking that it's a sign that i'm really needing a new phone aside of course from the reason that my fone's joystick has been sending my sms' to the wrong recipients because of its "auto-select" feature.hehe Have to ask my co-residents who are also SMART subscribers to check their fones. They all too didnt have any network coverage. I wasnt alone at least - yahoo!

What i was expecting however as a transient phenomenon that could last for only an hour the most turned out to be a test. A test for someone who's become dependent to the wonders of text messaging and celfone calls. My work basically is dependent on referrals and the celfone is one of my gadgets aside of course from my stethoscope. In short, i was "out-of-this-world" for the whole day. I couldnt receive any messages or calls nor can i make a call or send some texts. Even if i have my suncellular line with me, i couldnt text to other SMART subcribers too. This explains my "silence" for the whole day and not that i was timid to reply.hehe Anyhow, i managed to survived the day. I too on my part experienced peace and quiet after not receiving any referrals through texts.

What we were thinking at first as SMART's way of protest, after the issue of "free text messaging" came out, turned to be this: news here

Okaaaaay, the network didnt explain the cause of the damage. Irregardless of the cause though, it seems that SMART and PLDT subscribers are told to - "Blame the cables people! Not us! Not us!"

I Don't Believe in Marriage

These past few months are quite turbulent for me. Not that i have a lovelife to worry about but i have lovelifeS (take note...with an "S" meaning it's plural) to ponder and pray upon. News and updates of break-ups, annulments and separations bombarded me. Some lasted for a year the longest was more than 15 years. How the hell can relationships last for 15 years and suddenly went on pffft? I could accept the lame excuses in break-ups of boy-girl relationships. To absorb and to understand however an annulment or a legal separation is quite difficult for me...much more if it involves the children of the estranged couple.

I felt so sorry for my friends. I felt sorry for their kids. What happened to the love that developed during the pre-nuptial stage? Why can't the couple who vowed to be together for richer or for poorer...in sickness and in health and the other conditions-til-death-do-them-part thingie, hold on to their commitment?

These things that are happening around me made more cynical about marriage. It's not that marriage scares me more than death or it sounds like a death sentence to me. Fact is, i just dont believe in my capacity to hold on and to stand on a lifetime commitment. Modern philosophers who assume the characters of "friends" would defend me that maybe, i am just too idealistic. Too afraid to commit with the wrong person. Hmmm...why the hell are they considered "friends" anyway if they dont know the real me? Their argument? "If i am afraid of a lifetime commitment, why did i become a doctor? Being a doctor is a lifetime commitment and this title is marked on "doctors" even to their graves." They're right i suppose. I still am cynical about marriage though on the folllowing points:

1. It's not an assurance that a relationship could last.
2. It's not a security that the love will never die out.
3. It's not the bond that could maintain families.
4. It's not even a comfort that the other party will remain loyal to the other.
5. It's not even a proof that the person you got married with really loves you.
6. It's not just a simple "i do" ceremony...you have to deal with the entourage, the church, the reception, the florists, the studios, the band, the guests...in short, you dont just have to say "i do" but "i do HAVE MONEY for all of these."

After sharing my point and reflecting on the other relationships around me, i could say that now, the more that I DONT BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE. Yep! I really do. (Go Spinsters!) Seriously, why the hell should you get married, spend bucks for the ceremony and eventually spend hundreds of thousand for annulment? Crap! Plain crap. Why not just go on domestic partnership and leave the relationship when you feel strangulated? Simple as A-B-C. Is this me talking or my alter ego?

Curling up my tail and hiding my horns, seeing my parents still together for 31 years despite some misunderstandings that they were always able to patch up, or old patients who still care for each other in sickness and in health, i started to give justice on MARRIAGE. It's not marriage that i should believe or blame upon. Rather, i must believe or blame the couple who created the bond. Marriage too is a victim of circumtances. It's the human component of marriage actually that determines its falls and its success. The same human component that made the commitment that it is supposed to last for a lifetime. Now, you know why i dont believe in marriage. For marriage is just a noun and got no mind of its own. It's the husband and the wife who are the main actors who determine its ending...may it be a tragedy or a happily-ever-after.

I realized that i must never be sorry for my friends who got separated. I just have to blame them...hehe Nah! I just have to believe them in the decisions that they have made. That they are mature individuals with minds of their own...and so am i. Actually, the mind that tells me that i do not believe in marriage is still the same mind that tells me that it believes in ME. The ME who was created by the bond of a newly-wed couple exactly, 31 years ago. The same couple who inspires me that like them, i too am capable of preserving my relationship not just for 3 decades but more.

To my Tatay and Nanay, Happy 31st wedding anniversary. You continued to show me how to love fearlessly and unconditionally.

A Late Mother's Day Post

This is a very late mother's day post...thanks to pldt dsl...i was able to upload the video 2 days after...hehehe Anyway, here's a little something for my mom. My way of saying how proud i am of her. Ok, ok, my mom is in that Avon commercial...so as not to give away everything though, im not telling where she is in this commercial.hehehe For friends who know where i am based however, there's a clue there somewhere.=)

I need not enumerate the things that make me proud of her. All i know is that i am the person that i am now because of her. At her age, she kept reaching for her dreams too without compromising her family's welfare. Well, my mom's not just a "celebrity", she's Super mom too for me. Belated happy mother's day, nanay!=)

It's Not Just Morphine

I had a patient who became morbid at the ICU last night...err i mean early this morning because that was almost 2am. Female, in her late 70's, admitted as a case of acute myocardial infarction. To make matters worse, she too has an aortic aneurysm. She's like a ticking time bomb. Ready to explode - anytime.

She had another episode of epigastric pain early this morning. It could be the aneurysm or could be another episode of myocardial infarction. Either way, both could cause her demise. I requested for a repeat ECG and her heart rate were running like horses - way above normal. Could be due to pain. No, but no for there were new changes in her ecg. She was having runs of ventricular tachycardia. Vital signs were quite unstable. The defibrillator was prepared at her bedside. She was anxious. She was in pain. She actually bid me farewell. She's tired of the fight and she wanted to rest so she said.

From my previous duty at the ICU, i met her husband. Ive seen how he took care of her. Ive seen how he was so anxious and afraid for her. I havent seen him though the whole night. For his sake, i tried to encourage her. She cant go unless he's there beside her. She has to let him let go of her. I asked one of the relatives to call him wherever he was. Unknown to me, he was just outside, resting. Might have been tired from attending to his patient for quite some time now.

While waiting for him, I sedated my patient to alleviate her anxiety. She still was restless and in pain. So I gave her a small dose of morphine. Five minutes had past and yet the pain was persistent - she claimed. Then he came. He held her wrinkled, old hand. He touched and caressed the area where she pointed to be very painful. He kissed her forehead. He was whispering words to her that i couldnt hear. Must have been words to encourage her. She kept quiet. Ive seen how she transformed into a meek baby in the comfort of his arms. She then fell asleep. Her heart rate went back to normal. Her vital signs stabilized. I felt like crying. Maybe i was relieved that her condition stabilized or it could have been more to the sight in front of me. She's comfortable, asleep and no longer in pain. I dont think it's just morphine. It's more than morphine. It's him.

Ahhhh love. I have this soft spot for old couples who still show affection to each other. It might look odd to see old people kiss yet there's thing that i couldnt explain deep inside of me. Saw her very comfortable in his arms. Witnessed how he cared and stood for her in her sickness. All these, removed all my fears. Ive got a morphine in my pocket and i hope that it will stay with me until i grow old, sick and wrinkled.

Why a Lifesaver

I didnt have to answer the usual question that's being asked of an incoming medical student when i was about to enter my alma mater. The "Why do you want to become a doctor?" question was obviously not tackled since the panel were too excited to ask me about my undergrad school instead (a sister school of my med school).

As i breeze through residency training, i was starting to find answers to this question. Answers like to "treat the sick" or "serve the poor" are i guess a cliche. Since im also having my training in a government institution, obviously, these answers seem like shouting at me.

Aside from these, why did i really become a lifesaver? I didnt have dreams of being a superhero. You know, saving other people's lives through a dramatic, action-packed way. The innate autism in me would prefer a more discreet way of doing such like being a physician. Treating the sick, keeping them alive. Before ive wanted to save lives though, there must be another reason why i wanted this kind of life.

They say that one's decision in life is influenced by his/her past experiences. Experiences that are sometimes hidden in our subconscious mind. Experience also tells me that my greatest fear in life is...eeek....not commitment...it may run 3rd. Not even getting hurt in a relationship for it only runs second. My greatest fear is not even death itself rather, losing a loved one through death.

Yep! I discovered this just recently. Ive had experiences of loss when i was younger. That of of my grandparents, pets and friends. I felt the gaping hole created by one's absence. I felt the fear of not seeing the dead loved one anymore...not ever. I thought that ive become numbed to all of these. NO, but no for at present, I still cry over a death of a patient. Actually, it's not really the patient whom i am really concerned about when he/she dies - heaven knows better than i once he/she has crossed the tunnel of light. I am more saddened and concerned with the relatives who are left behind. I still couldnt stand those wailings and crying spells. My heart breaks and my spirit gets dampened. Ive been in their shoes and i fear being in their shoes again.

So here i am, taking the path to lifesaving. I am not god, nor am i playing god. I just wanted to the best of my abilities and knowledge to save a life...to see a happy family in return. I dont even want to change the fate of another being. I just wanted to take part in extending one's life. Death is inevitable of course. Medical school did teach me to predict it and to fight it. My current training however has taught me to fight it with passion and to accept it once everything's been done, with serenity.

30 THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR

After my 30th birthday, i realized that i've been posting about the things that i would want in life. I didnt realize not until my day ended last night that there are a lot of things that i must be thankful for. For my 30th year of existence, i couldnt help but be thankful to the great architect up there for painstakingly planned every detail of my life. I feel so humbled, so unworthy. The horns and tails that ive grown as i grew older in years felt misplaced. It seemed as if they dont belong to where they are growing right now. So for tonight, no matter how allergic i am to preachy posts or people, let me, just for now, enumerate the things that i am very thankful for. Give me a break! It's my birthday! Err, a day late maybe. It's my birth month still anyway.

1. The gift of family. - not all people are gifted with crazy parents and siblings like i do.=)
2. The blessings of friends - ive got a lot of friends but only a handful of very close ones who would die for me...im not really sure if they would really.hehe
3. A career i would never trade for anything - being a physician gave me the fulfillment that money cant buy. But i would trade places with the recent lotto millionaire.hehe
4. The best residency training im currently having - for me, my internal medicine family's the best.
5. Being placed in this crap hospital for training - i realized how blessed i am and i am trained in all aspect of my being because of the number of patients that i meet and the number of impossible and difficult folks to deal with
6. The schools i went to - this is not an advertisement for my dear alma maters. Actually, i only had 2: ETCS 1 and La Salle but they prepared me well.
7. My co-residents - as crazy as the family i grew up with. the reason why i blended with them...hehe
8. My consultants and mentors - whose examples and teachings will forever be etched in my young mind
9. My past senior residents - as crazy as i am too
10. My gift of expressing myself through written language - so this blog
11. My talent in psychotherapy - i didnt know i have one until a lot of people told me that i have it. Anyways, i turn out to be a part-time psychiatrist most of the time
12. My patients - they too served as my mentors
13. My patient's difficult folks - they developed my patience and tolerance to the most unlovable
14. Some difficult co-residents - i learned to deal with difficult colleagues and be able to survive a stressful life because of their presence
15. A number of unreasonable consultants - they're a good example of consultants that i must not become in the future
16. My interns - mentoring and supervising them also gave me the fulfillment equivalent to saving a life
17. My monthly salary - meager as it may be but im thankful that at least im withdrawing something from my ATM.
18. Hospital bonuses - at least i could afford some luxuryand treats for myself. Parlor visits, moviebreaks, coffee sessions and a refreshing body spa.
19. My reliable laptop, laffy taffy - after 2 years, it has been faithful to me
20. My bestbuddy and reliable celfone - include its camera
21. My ipod, silver snitch - it kept me company especially during my autistic moments
22. For coffee - it perks me up...more like a lifeline to my everyday job
23. For chocolates - they're first-aid for dementress exposure
24. For blogspot, multiply, friendster, facebook, etc - places i could express my autism and at the same time call myself a social being
25. For nature - the air that i breath, lush greens i can rest my eyes upon, cloudscapes that never fail to amaze me, seas that comfort me
26. For sunsets
27. For ym and smart - at least i could keep in touch with friends despite of my hectic schedule
28. For strangers and angels who walked with me in my life's journey
29. For the internet - without which i could never post this blog and announce to the world wide web how thankful i am for being 30!
30. For the occupant of the fourth chamber.=)

Milestone

A few hours from now, ill be celebrating a milestone. I'll be celebrating my pearl year! Okay, i used pearl so as not to make it so obvious when all i mean is that i'll be celebrating my 30th year of existence.hehe

Just like the ultimatum i made for myself years ago, i also made a wishlist for my 30th year - link here.

I've wished for things that i would want to acquire before i launch my independence. Therefore, time to check those things out and maybe, add a few more for my next milestone. Well, that would be 5 years from now - my emerald year.hehe

1. Laptop – well, this tops my list. Forget the stove, there are a lot of fastfood restaurants in town, but I couldn’t leave without this device. Blogs, reports, journals, games, internet, they are vital and part of my existence. Unfortunately, the money I’ve been saving for this one went to another project. I have a pc at home, but you couldn't bring this one to bed can you?

for this one, CHECK!

2. Queen-size bed – too impractical for someone who will be occupying a one-bedroom apartment or pad. Nevertheless, I love to sleep and I must admit that I love having a lot of pillows around me when I sleep. As of the last count, I have at least five pillows, the body pillow not included, in my bed. If I will be buying a bed fit for just one person, how can I let all my pillows fit? By the way, in case I don't have a laptop yet, maybe I could bring the pc to bed with me.

...i could make use of my old bed right now.hehe

3. CD Player, Radio, iPod (anyone?) or any gadget that could produce music – I sleep with the radio on. I start the day with music filling my room. When I am not in a good mood, music lifts my spirit up, drowns my tears and speaks to my soul.

CHECK!

4. Palm top – Already have one but I still need an SD card to expand its data storage capacity. I just love techie stuffs. Some of my files, palm version of my reference materials at work are all inside this gadget. When quite bored, games in this gadget are enough to entertain me. In case also that I don't have the player yet, I'll just contend myself with the mp3s I have in my palm.

CHECK!

5. Personal refrigerator – I need this for my leftovers. ....Hmmm still no budget for this.

6. Microwave oven – I need this to reheat my leftovers...hehe CHECK! I bought the one we're using at home...hehe

7. Television - I am not much into watching tv nor into watching movies at home (I still prefer watching movies in bigscreens). I just needed this thing to update me on our dying governance and economy. At the same time, I might need to hear other voices aside from myself. ...why did i wish for this in the first place?hehe no budget yet and no place for this.

I've got several things in mind that i would wish for the next 5 years...ooops i already talked about them in my 49 things. I dont want to repeat myself.hehe Besides, i still need a pad for all these things so why ask for more? For those with a kind heart, i accept cash, checks or the pad itself as a birthday gift....hehehe

Ultimatum

I have my recurrent alarm set at 6:30am. Never mind how many times i would press on the snooze everyday before i leave bed. Anyway, i woke up today realizing that in a few days time, i will be experiencing another milestone. Tadaaaaan! My 30th birthday! Hmmm, im announcing this just so, you who are reading this doesnt forget my gift. Wink! Wink!

Seriosuly, three years ago, ive got several posts anticipating my said milestone. Like I cant wait to reach this age - link here, and the one where i laid out my lifeplan -here. The can't wait to be thirty needs another entry. As to my lifeplan, here's a part that gave me goosebumps for I just realized that it's hard to give an ultimatum to one's self...hehe

2. At age 30, that will be 3 years from now, i will be done with residency training. I plan to proceed to subspecialization: either neurology or gastroenterology or rheumatology maybe. I still am in search of a subspec that doesnt have emergency calls and a subspec that's not that toxic. Boy, i just cant afford living a toxic life - from clerkship to specialization. I plan to go abroad and specialize there. Where? US or Australia, any place where my fate would lead me. It is also during this time when i could live on own - independently! Yipee!!! This is also the time that the ultimatum i gave to myself will due. The time that i'll be in a crossroad. The time of discernment whether to really take the road of single-blessedness (finally) or cursed-marriage. Ooops, i dont mean to be biased here. Alright, remove the word "curse". If i get to meet my frog prince during this time, then proceed to plan # 3.

I made this ultimatum 3 years ago and as the day comes nearer and nearer, it seems that im no longer excited about being 30. Why? Read this: The time of discernment whether to really take the road of single-blessedness (finally) or cursed-marriage. I'm afraid that should i make the wrong choice, I might curse myself forever!hehe

Alright self, tell this to the frog prince.

There's Light

"C... is my classmate in elementary. One incident I wont forget was when we were in grade 1, we were playing in our school garden. Nagalakad-lakad kami sa hollow blocks nga naka palibot sa garden. Nadasma ko and napilas (still have scars...scarred people are beautiful)... good thing this girl is a born healer... we look around to find balunggay to stop the bleeding (this is the first prescription Dra. C... gave me). I dont know if she still remember this.God bless you always my friend!"
- A...


Call her A. She's a classmate of mine in gradeschool. Not the whole of gradeschool though for i remembered that she had to transfer school. I just cant remember in what grade we were during that time. For the short time that we were together though, i remembered that we were good friends. She even left a comment for me in friendster (read above) reminding me that the first sign of me being a future doctor was when i applied a malunggay poultice on her wound when she acquired one during one of our games. I actually couldnt remember this anymore.

We bumped into each other when we were in college but got really no time to talk about things. After more than a decade, our paths again met. Not in our school reunion but in the hospital where i work. She was admitted at the surgical ward because of a complication of her disease.

I am 29, going on 40....err i mean, 30. We're almost of the same age, i just dont know who's older or younger in age by a few months. I'm 29, yet i feel healthy save for some joint pains or body aches that i feel from time to time from a harassed duty or from that memorable bangkok trip i had. She on the other hand, single, just like me, now battling the popular big C.

My classmate has ovarian cancer. She underwent several sessions of chemotherapy already and here she is still fighting the battle. I try to visit her from time to time and everytime i come to her bedside, i feel so bad seeing her in the situation that she's currently in. She's admitted at the charity ward. She was working before i believe i just dont know if she has consumed all her health benefits just so she could avail of a more comfortable medicare room. She's almost skin and bones compared to the last time we've seen each other or compared to her pictures she posted on friendster. The best that i could do was to give her the parenteral nutrition pack that was donated by one of our consultants. She couldnt take anything more nutritious than milk by mouth. A pack of parenteral nutrition would cost 5,000 bucks per pack and this is good only for a day.

Our chairman happens to be her attending physician before. It was good to hear that he offered to help her in a way for her chemotherapy. Still, despite of all the aids that might come, i can sense that she feels so sorry for herself. She couldnt help but thank me repeatedly during my last visit. She was smiling at me but her eyes showed all the burden and depression that she's carrying. Her mom, asleep at her bedside, was tired and worn out after more than a week of taking care of her.

Her case made me realize that there's a big life ahead of me. That i have a lot of things to be thankful for. That my challenges are a bit easier than the ones she's currently battling. That maybe, i was blessed to be healthier than she is for i am tasked to help her again. That as a physician, i could no longer just put a poultice on her wound the way i did when we were in grade 1. Maybe i could do more now. I could do better. I too could put more meaning in my life saving acts that's become more of a routine for me sometimes.

For the meantime, the greatest help that i could give her are my prayers. Prayer that she'll be given the courage and strength to face her battle. Prayer that she'd be given the solitude to accept her condition. Prayer that she'll receive peace in her heart. Prayer that she'll have an enlightenment of mind. Prayer that she'll accept her real healer, the big Guy upstairs who lent me this gift of healing she was saying.

Memories of Bangkok

Finally, im back! There are a lot of things i really missed when i was away. I missed laffy (my ever reliable laptop) the reason why im spending a lot of time with him tonight.hehe I miss my bed that's why i slept the whole afternoon and the reason why im still wide awake as of this time. I miss Filipino food the reason why ive been eating our native delicacy eversince yesterday: longanisa and egg with sinangag for breakfast, lechon, fried and grilled fish, dilis, etcetera, etcetera.



Well, my Bangkok experience was one of a kind. Aside from being my first trip outside of the Philippines (i vowed never to go out of the country not until i get to Mindanao to complete my luzviminda tour), i had both good and bad experiences from it. Good experiences in the places i stayed and went to but bad experiences with the food and yep, with my legs.


Im getting old i guess. I dont know if im just trying to experience the "shop 'til you drop phenomenon" or im just challenging my legs to take the 10,000 steps a day plus two glasses of anlene. Nah! Im lactose intolerant so i dont drink milk. What im just trying to drive at is that my legs are $#*&@#!!! aching and im feeling them until now despite those pain-relievers im taking. What's worse? I was wearing my very comfortable sandals and mom's not feeling anything though we walked almost the same number of steps and she's 24 years my senior.

Maybe im a bit harrassed because i get to carry those shopping bags. The reason why after four days and three additional bags and box after or make that 35 kilos of additional baggage, my legs couldnt almost carry my body. I knew it! I shouldnt have haggled for goods there. For if i didnt, then we weren't able to buy more stuffs. Mom's kind of amazed as to how i asked for a bargain from the vendors at Pratunam market. I learned a few lines aside from their Sawasdee (hello!). The first line i tried was, "Tao rai?" or How much. Then the vendor answered me with funny-sounding-i-didnt-understand-a-single-word sentences. In short, i ended up asking "how much" and received a one-liner "one pipty." It would have been simpler.

As the days passed however, i learned the business. Buy at least three of the same kind and you'll get the wholesale price. In short, i was able to get a blouse with the same design in three different colors. I started to get used to "Lot noi" or "discount" and the "Khob khun" or "thank you." One vendor even asked me to stay there to sell with her. I was good at bargaining so she said.haha I was amused. I tried imagining myself selling stuffs in the night market while in this country, im saving lives.hehehe


For the food, whew! hot and spicy everywhere! Good thing there's the ever reliable Mc Do and KFC. I didnt realize that after dieting here in the Philippines, i will only be breaking that regimen by consuming a go large big mac meal! Aaaargh! My flabs reappeared on my 2nd day there despite of not really eating much...much of Thai food. In short, i ate anything except the very hot and spicy ones. Blame the buffet hotel breakfast! Definitely i'll never forget the sampaloc - bought 10 kilos of it. Sheesh! I just dont know what's in their sampaloc but it really is different from our native grown ones. Was a bit disappointed though for i wasnt able to taste their lanzones that's well-endorsed by a friend. It's season is usually in September of course. I should know - it's my favorite too.


One should never forget to watch the Siam niramit show when in Bangkok. One of the best plays i've seen so far. The technical stuffs were great! I was just surprised to find a river appearing on stage complete with the bancas and diving acts. How about those lightning and rain? Really one of a kind and worth watching again.


The grand palace tour was also amazing. I tend to appreciate the Thai's efforts in preserving their culture and religion. The dinner at the fisherman's seafood was also great. The riverview was romantic (ahem!). At least not as stinky as our rivers here. I got intoxicated there actually. Intoxicated with all those seafood stuffs! Antihistamines for my allergy then came in handy.hehe

Now, about other things known to Thailand, dont ask me anymore. Ive never been to the Chatuchak market for we went there on weekdays. Ive never visited the elephant show either. Just ask me anything about shopping especially in Pratunam and i guess i can tell you some stories.hehe

Weirdest Thing

I love bears...ive got lots of them as stuffed toys. Tonight, i just knew the reason why. Gives me the goosebumps actually. For non-Harry Potter fans, a patronus is a "guardian".

What is Your Patronus? Version 1

Your Patronus is the Bear! The bear is a symbol of gentle strength, instrospection and dreaming. He is a very powerful symbol in Native American beliefs. As your Patronus, the bear will use all of his strength to defend you. Congratulations!That your Patronus is a bear says that you are a dreamer. You have a quiet inner strength that reveals itself when you need it most. You are also rather introspective. Try not to focus too much on how you are inside at the present moment, but on how to improve it, and you will be a great witch or wizard!
Take this quiz!

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I Can Cook...That's All

Was home early today. It's an unspoken rule that whoever comes home first, he/she have to cook the rice. Our helper goes to a night school. She cooks the food for dinner before she leaves. Except the rice of course because even if it stays in the rice cooker, it still is not good to eat by the time that we eat. So much for the introduction. Let me now go to the gist of the story.

Did i ever reveal in this blog that im a mermaid? Hmm, i mean i dont eat fish...the big ones i mean. I could eat any fish smaller than a bangus even if it's dried. The reason? Fish are friends...not food. Seriously, im scared of bigger ones. I have this mentality eversince i was young that they eat humans. Well, it's not that i still believe this until now. It's just that i cant stand their fishy smell. That's all.

As i was about to cook rice, i saw that our helper left with a "fish meal". Meaning from the sabaw to the "dry" meal, they're all fishes! All big fishes! A big EEEeeeew too from my part. I skip dinner most of the time but not tonight for i didnt have snacks before i left the hospital.

Mom has been telling us that in order for us to survive, we must learn how to cook - at least our favorite dishes to be exact. I know how to cook and based from the judgement of others, i am a good cook. This after i threaten them should they say anything bad about my cooking. Must have gotten this from dad. He cooks the best tinolang manok in this part of my town...and bakaretas, and turbo-broiled chicken..and..sheesh im getting hungry.

Anyway, asked my sister to buy a chicken on her way home. Was planning to turbo broil it dad's way. I dont know how he mixes the spices, but i marinaded it my way. Stuffed it with lemon grass and some salt and spices, layered it with salt, basil leaves, pepper and what-have-you's spices from the pantry. Saw a can of evaporated milk too and off it went into my marinade.

Then i placed it in the turbo broiler. Twenty minutes passed and i could see little improvement in my chicken skin. Impatient that i am and hungry at that, i heated the gas oven and eventually transferred my chicken there. So a previously turbo broiled chicken came out of the oven as a baked chicken after another 20 minutes.

I made some gravy with my marinade adding stuffs that i could see within my perimeter that i guess are edible. Basically, i came out with a gravy made of marinade, butter, hot sauce, brown sugar and flour.

Verdict time came. I made sure that my family was famished when i served my dish. This is the technique....hehe Kidding. Overall, the best comment came of course from the chef par excellance of our household - dad! "Namit!"(tastes good!)

Mom delivered the unwelcomed comment however. "Namit! Pwede ka nang mag-asawa." (Tastes good! You can now get married.)

What reaction can she expect from her cynical daughter? No other than a smirk and several paragraphs of negative reactions.

Mom, i can cook! Period.

My Living and Last Will

A few months ago, i remembered posting about my 49 things. I'm starting to eliminate things i can do for now, so here goes my so called last will - blog edition. Meaning, these are just the stuffs that i could share with others. For the rest, maybe you'll get to read this when I'm dead.tee-hee

Before anything else by the way, let me enumerate a few things that i would wish before i die. In other words, before this last will gets executed - here goes my living will.


LIVING WILL

I, ____my name______, of ____earth______, being of sound mind, do hereby
willfully and voluntarily make known my desire that my life not be
prolonged under any of the following conditions, and do hereby further declare:

1. If I should, at any time, have an incurable condition caused by any disease or illness, or by any accident or injury, and be determined by any two or more physicians to be in a terminal condition whereby the use of "heroic measures"or the application of life-sustaining procedures would only serve to delay the moment of my death, and where my attending physician has determined that my death is imminent whether or not such "heroic measures" or life-sustaining measures are employed, I direct that such measures and procedures be withheld or withdrawn and that I be permitted to die naturally. Should i also add that intubations and cardiac compressions will in a way only destroy my pearly whites and break my sternum- the reasons for my choice of no heroic measures. Oh, not to mention those stinky ambubags that will be used for the intubation will do me more harm than good.

2. In the event of my inability to give directions regarding the application of life-sustaining procedures or the use of "heroic measures", it is my intention that this directive shall be honored by my family and physicians as my final expression of my right to refuse medical and surgical treatment, and my acceptance of the consequences of such refusal.

3. In the event that ive become already a corpse, i would want my mom to do my make up. No make ups from any funeral parlor that was for sure used to other dead people be applied on me.

4. Should my family and friends wish to have a wake for me, i wanted my coffin closed. I don't want people to comment on how peaceful or not i might look, or on how i gained/lost weight. In other words, i don't want others to see me when I'm dead. Geez, imagine how uncomfortable you could get inside a coffin.

5. I would want to be cremated and my ashes be given to my family and friends who would wish to keep a fraction of it. I don't want to be buried 6-feet under and be feasted upon by maggots and decomposers...ewwww!

6. I am mentally, emotionally and legally competent to make this directive and I fully understand its import.

7. I reserve the right to revoke this directive at any time.

8. This directive shall remain in force until revoked.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereto set my hand and seal this _____ day of __________, 20___.

Signed: __________

Declaration of Witnesses The declarant is personally known to me and I believe him to be of sound mind and emotionally and legally competent to make the herein contined Directive to Physicians. I am not related to the declarant by blood or marriage, nor would I be entitled to any portion of the declarant's estate upon his decease, nor am I an attending physician of the declarant, nor an employee of the attending physician, nor an employee of a health care facility in which the declarant is a patient, nor a patient in a health care facility in which the declarant is a patient, nor am I a person who has any claim against any portion of the estate of the declarant upon his death.

Signed: _____________

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT


KNOW ALL MEN BY THESE PRESENTS:

I, ____my name (you know me - need not state it here)____ , Filipino citizen, of legal age, single/married (still being pondered upon) to ___the keymaker___, born on the __3rd__ of ____April_______ , 19_78_ , a resident of __earth__ , being of sound and disposing mind and memory, and not acting under undue influence or intimidation from anyone, do hereby declare and proclaim this instrument to be my Last Will and Testament, in English, the language which I am well conversant. And I hereby declare that:

I. I desire that should I die, it is my wish to be CREMATED according to the rites of the Roman Catholic Church and my ashes be placed in an urn and be kept by my family. Friends who would wish to keep a gram or two of my ashes may feel free to ask some from my family.

II. To my beloved husband (should i die 20 years from now - meaning, i already got married by that time) _____the keymaker_____, I give and bequeath the following property to wit: my loyalty and love. These are the priceless possessions that i could leave you. We signed the prenuptial agreement, remember?;

III. To my esteemed children (hmmm ill be thinking of children's names here), Celine Angela Therese and Miguel Angelo Gabriel, I give and bequeath the following properties to wit: my half a century old stethoscope - in case you would like to follow my footsteps, and the indigent patients i treated and managed in the regional hospital. Include the beauty and brains that i contributed to your being. These are wealth that noone can steal away from you. For your school, clothing, allowance and real property inheritance, let me refer you to your dad's last will;

(this space is for my parents and siblings)

(this space is for my friends and a few relatives)

VI. I hereby designate ____name of executor_____ the executor and administrator of this Last Will and Testament, and in his incapacity, I name and designate _____________________ as his substitute.

VII. I hereby direct that the executor and administrator of this Last Will and Testament or his substitute need not present any bond;

VIII. I hereby revoke, set aside and annul any and all of my other will or testamentary dispositions that I have made, executed, signed or published preceding this Last Will and Testament.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto affixed my signature this ________ day of _____________, 2008, in ________________, Philippines.

_______________________________________
(Signature of Testator over Printed Name)

----

I might sound morbid here. But hey, death is inevitable. I'm just a realist.hehe

Guilt-trip

This post is a day late. I was about to post this one last night but my broadband connection was having its fits. I was planning to shift to another company yet ive heard comments that its service is not good either. Another alternative company would even be worse than the second option. What the hell's going on with these telecommunication companies? Cant DOTC try to check them out from time to time if their subscribers are getting their worth? Dimmit!

Ooops, back to regular programming.

So yesterday was my "pamper-myself-day". A lunchdate was cancelled because of some changes in the duty schedule so i was lucky enough to spend the whole afternoon with tadaaaaan...MYSELF. Geeez, i miss myself. Eventhough i was an innate autistic, i really miss myself. I mean, i havent spent quality time alone with myself. Havent asked her how she's doing. I know she's in good shape but i failed to treat her out for quite a long time now.

After spending lunch with a friend (i find it awkward to eat all alone in a restaurant...maybe im not a 100% autistic all along), i decided to give myself a treat. I went to the parlor and had my hair and nails done. Everytime im doing this, i always go into a guilt-trip and i loved the idea.

A guilt-trip? Well, i made rounds in the hospital that morning. I came from a place where money was as essential as air in order to live. Majority of our patients are literally below the poverty line. Statistics say that these are people who are earning less than a dollar a day. So that's basically around Php 40.50 with the latest exchange rate. Others dont even earn a penny. In other words, they solely rely on divine providence. Divine providence coming from a neighbor, the social service, the nurses, or their overworked but underpaid doctors.

These patients also have a family to feed. In short if they are earning less than forty pesos a day, how can they buy their medications? How can they feed their family? Guilt-tripping then came into the picture. I recalled the money i spent for lunch. A little around Php 250. How about for my nails? For my hair? For the new blouse i bought?

I felt guilty for spending such amount of money for these stuffs when in fact a lot of our patients have nothing in their pockets. I felt guilty for saving on a macbook when these people im making rounds with everyday dont even have any penny to save.

Looking at myself in the mirror while my hair was being blown-dry, i put an end to my guilt-trip. Instead, i started to be thankful for these blessings im currently receiving. Yep! Ive missed myself much for i spent most of my time with these patients. I may indulge with some pleasures of pampering myself from time to time because im just compensating for the time ive spent going on 24-hour duties. I may be splurging my money on what others might consider as a luxury, but i guess myself deserves such treat after all the toxicities ive faced in the hospital.

You know what's nice with this guilt-tripping? It reminds me always to be thankful...to be contented. Also, the less fortunate patients around me were created for a reason. They're a constant reminder that im one person blessed with so much. In short, i should never let a petty concern (like my epileptic broadband connection), an obnoxious individual, a difficult person or just anything, steal my happiness away.

p.s.
I hope some of our corrupt politicians would go on a guilt-trip sometimes.

The Chamber of Secrets

I've been away from the blogosphere for quite some time. The reason is that i dont have enough trash to empty here. So a friend of mine suggested that i post something about my so-called LOVELIFE. Hmmm, is it edible?hehe Anyways, im a very private person (read: autistic). In short, i dont usually talk about this lovelife thingie. Anyways, here's a new year post as requested by you-know-who-you-are.hehe

To start with, this post might have something to do with my lovelife so im warning you this early that it might take you eons of years before you could understand my hieroglyphics. So i guess you'd better watch National Treasure 2 instead of reading this...Go Riley!hehe

Okay, i grew up as a normal kid. When i was younger, hmmm more than a decade ago, i was exposed to a lot of guys. You cant blame me. I was enrolled in a previously all boys school that turned coed when i was in highschool. So if some of you were wondering where all the guys went, then maybe they were in my school. I didnt tell you though that my parents were normal too. In other words, so long as when you're in school, having a boyfriend is a NO-NO. My mom's got a subtle way of telling me this though. It sounded like, im too young to focus my world on only one person should i commit that early. I must enjoy meeting other guys for who knows, i could meet someone better than him. Nevertheless, it still was synonymous to BAWAL ANG BOYFRIEND.

Obedient kid that i was, a smart-aleck too, i deviced something that would help make this condition possible. I created BOY BINS in my mind. Huwaaat? Yep! Boy bins. Im sorry to my dearest guy friends but i did classify you. I had 3 boy bins: the friendship, brotherly and boyfriend bins. Since im currently in the medical profession, i find these bins as outdated that i now call them as chambers. Like the chambers of the human heart. Since there are four chambers in a human heart though, i need to add one. To describe how each chamber functions might take a lot space so in a gist, here's how i categorized my guinea pigs...ooops no pun intended. I mean, the boys i've met.

1. Chamber of Friendship
- here's where most of my peers and classmates belong
- guys i could go out with until my Cinderella time who will drive me home safe
- any relationship that's not fraternal nor romantic ends here
- guys who attempted but failed to enter the boyfriend chamber end here
- they could share me their secret but i cant share mine
- could experience my pms fits and i could hurt them in a way, but since they're my friends, they chose to stay

2. Chamber of Brothers
- a chamber for a chosen few
- those who are protective enough not to let any guy come near me without passing their scrutiny - in other words, my self appointed screening committee
- those who know my weakest and with broad shoulders to offer during my drama takes
- immune to my parents' homing device - meaning mom's secure when im with them even if it's a several days of out of town trip
- the guys that my parents personally know and met
- in short, they too are immune to our guard dog - since they're the ones that i bring home - so our dog's familiar to them
- a sniff dog that i am in the past life, they dont feel awkward when i smell their armpits. Sheesh! when i do this it means that i am very comfortable with the person. If you feel uncomfortable with this, then you're not my brother...hehe Fortunately, those who are in here good smelling ones.
- immune to my pms fits too...a loving sister that i am, i am afraid to hurt them
- the only time that they might get hurt is when they would attempt to get out of the chamber and transfer to the next chamber im going to mention

3. Chamber of Boyfriends
- chamber for the guy of the future
- the chamber that's very difficult to enter - he has to pass by the chamber of brothers first remember?
- he did not just undergo my big brothers' scrutiny but my own scanning device as well - any glitch in the system would mean off to the trash bin...or the recycle bin if he has chances for change
- experienced all my pms fits and survived them
- welcomed by the bitch in me, entertained by my alter ego yet he endured
- prone to experience all the pain and heartaches that i could inflict
- the only one capable though of inflicting me pain too
- currently unoccupied

4. Chamber of Secrets
I built this new chamber recently. As i grow more mature in this so called lovelife thingie, i realized that i couldnt categorize men this easy. There are those who would cross the friendship bin and attempt to enter the boyfriend bin. There are those who are in the boyfriend bin yet are more deserving to be in the brotherly bin. As a result, i was just making things complicated. I tend to hurt others and get hurt too in the process because i hurt them. What did i just say? Sounded like a tongue twister to me.hehe

Little did I know that someone who can act all 3: as my friend, brother and boyfriend, does exist. The reason why this Chamber of Secrets was created. And as a very private person, here ends my story.hehehe

Thankful

Been planning to post a year-end entry early today. Yet my from duty status overpowered me that i have to stay in bed until late in the afternoon. Couldnt make an entry though when i woke up. Our helper's currently on a grand vacation that i have to help in the dinner preparation, especially that i invited a co-resident over. Well, this isnt too late yet i guess. Hmmm, actually, this would be too early for 2008. A supposed to be year-end post is now a welcoming entry.

As i welcome another year, i just cant help but be thankful for everything that has happened in the past year. Aside from the blessings of having a great family, friends and colleagues, I know that i have to be thankful too for the pain and disappointments that ive experienced. For the difficult and complicated people who spiced up my life and made it more challenging - this includes some patients and their folks. For the toxicities that ive experienced in my work - at least im not jobless.

This blog has witnessed all those whinings and rantings. As my emotional trash bin, it accepted everything that i hurl and pour out here. My thank you goes to those who read this blog too. Some of whom ive become friends with. I hope that you dont feel miserable or disheartened after reading my posts.

Another year has started and another journey has begun. There will be disappointments and pain again to experience. Difficult people to meet. Toxicities to get over. There's one thing that's constant in my life though that made these things negligible. Recalling all those good things and blessings that ive received for the past year, i couldnt help but be thankful to the Big Guy upstairs who always keeps His eyes on me. I dont want to sound spiritual here but His love kept me going and will continue to give me the strength for this coming year.

A blessed New Year everyone.

Autism Overdrive

Achooo! Sniff! Sniff!

After several weeks of being absent in the blogosphere, i guess this blog collected enough dust and cobwebs to cause me this allergic rhinitis. Whew! I need to clean up this blog before Christmas so this post.

Actually, it's not just the season that kept me busy these days. I may just be in my "autism overdrive" for i always find myself doing things on my own. Blogging excluded for of course it would mean that i will still be exposing myself to the blogosphere should i publish a post.

What kept the autistic me busy these days?

1. Uploading videos and albums to my new baby and editing my itunes library with album art included. Warning to parents: this gadget is not good for kids. If you dont want an autistic kid, better let him/her play patintero or tumbang preso with the other kids in your neighborhood.

2. Finished this book......and currently reading this one...

3. Experiencing the agony of Christmas shopping that as always would leave me drained, tired and disappointed. For the record, i still have a long list to finish. I dont know what's with me for i wanted to buy gifts that would remind me of the recipient. I am used to making personalized ones to my loved ones yet time wouldnt just allow me. Oh well, must be the reason why nature blessed me with some finances (im not computing my expenditures now...let's just say i was held up!) for i was deprived of time in return. By the way, been doing my shopping all alone. I really couldnt buy anything when im with someone. The reason why i included this in my autism overdrive.

4. Experiencing the agony of wrapping gifts. Who said that shopping is the only hard part here? Well, im an expert in gift wrapping actually. The hard part is, it's not just one or two gifts that i'm wrapping. The more gifts i'm wrapping, the more i'm reminded of my long existence. If only i were Uncle Scrooge, i may be spared with this gift-giving.hehe

Well, should i also mention that after the "responsibility and load" was lifted from my shoulders, i didnt have much trash to post here than the previous months? For the spirit of the season too, i avoided to post as much trash as possible.

There you go. If you'll excuse me, i still have a book to finish. Just would like to greet you guys a Happy Christmas!