Blogger 's Block

After hearing the news that in a month's time, i will be taking the Diplomate oral exam, i suddenly went into a "Blogger's block." I'm no writer ok, so let me use this description of what im going through right now. Suddenly, it seemed that i always ran out of words everytime i open blogger to post something. I have a lot of things in mind yet most of the posts that ive started remained as drafts, unfinished and of course, unpublished. I am now bothered with something. I am now preoccupied by this exam thingie. Barely a month to go for the preparation. Barely a month to go before the D-day.

If i will be asked on how prepared i am for the said exam, my definite answer would be a NO. Capital N-O. I havent started even with my readings yet. Though i could see this exam coming, i didnt realize that i will be "forced" to take it this year. Ok, let me change the word "force". I know our chairman reads my posts..."Ok, boss, i was "ordered" to take the exam". Now this sounds better but will "coerced" be best?hehe

Holy camote! After all the work load, after all the crap meetings to attend to, difficult personalities to adjust with, i will be subjecting myself to this stressful situation. The last exam that i took was the medical board exam and that was 3 years ago. Boy! I already forgot how it feels taking a big exam. Aside from this, this exam will appear almost like an interview. I'm better in written exams for at least there's elimination and eenie-meenie-minie-moe. With oral exams though, i dont know how i will fair. I might stutter, i might mumble, i might run out of words, or i might just simply tell the examiner that, "Doctor, the answer is just at the tip of my tongue. Kindly read it for me?"

Bluntly speaking, I am not afraid to take this exam. Actually, i just feel nothing. Same ol' feeling before i took the medical boards. What i was just concerned about right now would be my performance because of my lack of preparation. My seniors faired well during their time. In fairness, they had the time of their lives preparing for it. There were 9 of us in the department that time and the only concern that they had were these diplomate exams. No toxic duties for they were always the last calls as to referrals. No crap meetings to attend to. No ward rounds nor out-patient duties. (Oh boss, i just hope you can read this plea of mine).

Heck! I'd better stop this self-pity. I know, i know, this brings me to nowhere and this self-pity thing is actually my best enemy. Putting on my renegade self, I never run away from challenges. Que sera sera. Live and let die. Bring them on. What doesnt kill me would make me even stronger, right? Passing or failing this exam wouldnt or doesnt tell the kind of doctor that i am. I know a lot of members of this PCP thing who claims to be successful in their field yet i dont look up to them nor envy the kind of life that they have. On the other hand i know some general practitioners or non-members who have all my respect because of their compassion to their patients and their love for their profession. In short, even if i fail this exam, i will never be a lesser person. Why will i worry then?

Well, I just hope nature would be a little more considerate though. May my 24-hr duties be benign. May i be inspired to read my book no matter how tired i am from work. May my narcolepsy attacks be never triggered by the sight of my book. May those cranky and difficult people around me turn into considerate and mellow ones even for just a month. After my exam, they could go back to their old ways and i wouldnt care at all. May i never be exposed to "biohazards". You know, people who are miserable with their lives and are tasked to bring stress to others. They simply consume me. Phew! I need a shield from them!

So, if this blog will start to collect dust and cobwebs, it's just either of the two things are happening. I am busy preparing for the diplomate exam or i still havent recovered from my "blogger's block."

What's With Blogger?

I'm wondering what happened with blogger. Is it the "Araw ng Lahi" yet? Why all the Filipino stuffs in the tabs and commands? I'm in no way against the Filipino language but heck! I'm having a hard time really understanding some of the words. If not that i have memorized the tabs already, i really would have a hard time posting this. It's kinda funny though mixing up the Tagalog with English words. If they have decided to use Filipino as the language for instructions here, then maybe they should have an equivalent Filipino word for the words like "SAVE", "PUBLISH", "POSTS", "EDIT", "SETTING," etcetera.

What's funny here is this...

"Ini-imbak" reminds me of those pickles and other stuffs that you store.hehe So if they use this word here, why not use "Nililigtas" for "Save"?hehe With the rest, let blogger do its thing. I just have to familiriaze myself with this thing for now. Crap! Im really having a hard time. Im on the verge of laughing and getting irritated. Laughing for the funny sentences im reading here and irritated for having a hard time understanding them.

POST SCRIPT:
Oh boy! What's with this? A broken Filipino word? Goodness! What's "Magagumpay"? You mean "Matagumpay"? And by the way, why not try using "Bintana" instead of "Window"...hehe

The Best Things Are Free

Just imagine a world where every breath of oxygen that we take is being measured. Not only that, we will be asked to pay for it. Yep! Every liter of it. If the medical oxygen is the cause of quarrel and drift in this institution that i am in, what more if the air that we breath is for sale? I realized how blessed we are for there are still some free things in life like this air that we breathe. Good thing too for i still am capable of living while breathing room air.

He's the Man

I once called him "Papa" when i was younger. I shifted to "Tatay" when i heard my cousins calling their father with this address. It sounded better, dearer and sweeter than "Papa" from my young mind's point of view that's why. I could even remember the period when children my age would be very conscious with the addresses that they call their parents. It seemed that such name-calling is equivalent to the financial status of the family. Daddy for the affluent, papa for the middle class and tatay for those below or in the poverty line. This was no big deal with me. Yep! Even if some classmates would judge me with the way i address my parents. As far as i was concerned, we didnt grow hungry, my father provides for our family and i didnt even care with the financial status thingie or whatsoever. Tatay sounded better. Period.

There are a lot of things that i could remember about Tatay. Might as well enumerate those fond memories ive had of him:

1. He is both strict and sweet. He is very strict with time. Better be early than be late. This is the reason why i always find myself alone in a meeting or in school. I usually come to school early for tatay was my alarm clock. Sunday mornings were full of tension. He wakes us all up for church way too early. Sundays were supposed to be precious for we could extend a little longer in bed but not when Tatay wakes us up. He is soft-spoken to the point that we could determine when he's angry with the change in the tone of his voice. Such change could trigger our tearglands to function. His is the last word at home. In short, He's the man.

As to his sweeter side, he never goes home from work without "something". "Something" was the word that we used when we refer to pasalubong. A giant burger one evening or a siopao in the next and not to forget those ice creams. Most of the time, we played treasure hunting, looking for those "something" that he hid within our vicinity. When we were younger, he put us to sleep with his lullabyes. He sang to us some ilonggo songs that we still could remember until now. He writes sweet letters too. No wonder Nanay fell for him. I found some old letters that he sent to Nanay and I when he was working in Manila. I was 2 or 3 years old back then when he wrote those letters yet he always had a paragraph in those letters that's addressed to me. He reminded me how loved and special i am.

2. He's a verrrrrry good cook. I missed those tinolang manok, bakareta and many others when i left bacolod for medical school. The reason why i was picky with the food that i eat and that i am a good cook myself (im feeling a strong gush of wind in my room right now), is because i got used in eating good food at home especially when it's Tatay who prepares them. But then, for the whole four years that i was away, they made sure to send me some of Tatay's dishes through LBC if not twice, at least once a month.

3. He's not particular with money to the point that he's never frugal. Quiet a negative trait but his principle would be that he couldnt bring those bucks when he dies. He doesnt know how to haggle. I remembered how furious Nanay was when he bought us our toy pots made of clay at twice its original price. He bought the item right then after asking for its cost. He gives large tips too. Sometimes im even tempted to think that he never values hard earned money. I realized though that this trait of his could go a long way for he's able to help a lot of people. Ok, lemme describe him now as generous.

4. He's got good interpersonal relations. I guess i got this from him. Hmmm maybe from both of them. Tatay is close with the elderly and the young. The reason i guess why i preferred internal medicine is because im close with the elderlies too.

The rugby boys at the public plaza know Tatay. In fact we could always get a good parking when we go to church for even if were still a few meters away, his friends could already recognize him. He onced stopped the car somewhere and opened the window only to see him giving out his spare shirt to the barker whom he know. Once stopped at the middle of the street to give the traffic enforcer an umbrella for it was raining hard yet he has to keep on working. The elders in our community love him too that he has been constantly cajoled to run for office in the barangay. He's not just a politician though.

5. He is one of my very strong pillar in this profession that i took. I remembered that time that he told his friend that he'll never allow me to bring those huge bags that medreps carry. He'll send me to medical school for whatever cost just so ill be spared from having to carry those big bags. He didnt realize that my books were heavier than sample meds.hehe When i decided to have my training, he was one of those who prodded me to take it in this government hospital where i am currently in. He assured me that it was not just i who was prepared in this training but them too. He was the one responsible for my toxicity because of his prayers...hehe Seriously, i get his 100% support 24/7. He drives and fetches me from work and he brings me my dinner when im on duty.

6. He's a renewed smoker and alcoholic of more than a decade and a good patient. He started young and fortunately stopped young too. He has been keeping promises to Nanay that he'll stop his vices and eventually, he was able to, without any withdrawal symptoms. Maybe, he was thinking of our sake. When i was in gradeschool, I remembered how he allowed me to finish a small glass of beer while he was drinking at home. I asked for some for me to taste. In a few minutes, i developed wheal all over my body and my face became bloated making me look like a puffer fish. This is the story why beer was banned at home. As to cigarettes, we all are sensitive to smoke. In short, our place is a smoke-free zone. At present, he has hypertension and dyslipidemia. He takes maintenance medications for it and he has good compliance. He watches his diet too. If there's one thing that a doctor is happy about is that when his/her patient heeds his/her advise.

If i were to write more about tatay, i might be able to once again post my longest blog. I just cant help but recall those times and be thankful at the same time to the One in power who gave me my Tatay. I am half less the person that i am right now if not for him. I am never where i am right now if not for him too.

So for tomorrow, here's for the Man of the House, "Happy Father's Day Tatay!" And this goes to all of the Fathers out there.

A Repost

Been too busy these past few days checking our junior interns' paperworks. I was quite upset hearing that these interns dont take their work seriously. One even challenged me that she's not afraid of extensions after commenting to her senior intern that she'll take whatever extension that will be given to her. Goodness! I have been in her place once and never did i complain about my work. So here's a repost from my other blog. For our junior interns who i know are currently in their most "self-pity mode."

MAKING HEAVEN OUT OF HELL...For our junior interns

Clerkship...all of us doctors have gone through this one "hell" year. Actually, some consultants or even residents like me would not even dare go back to this experience even if they're paid a million bucks. Who would? You're like a walking monitoring machine going up and down, to and fro a 3-building complex taking the vital signs of your patients, draining their urine bags, dressing their wounds, name it, we have experienced everything. You're really literally a "clerk". Writing the histories of your patients, extracting every vital information you needed for their diagnosis, taking note of their progress...hell, how many rims of bond papers and boxes of ballpens did we consume back then? If people appreciate my talent in expressing myself through this blog, i guess i owe everything to my medical training...these callouses i've got in my fingers always remind me how tedious and difficult it was to write histories and progress notes and therapeutic indices...if only i could view the gyri in my brain produced by writing these stuffs.

I am aware how my junior interns are whining and complaining about their current status. How they feel starved after skipping meals...feel tired after a 24-hour duty...down and disappointed when reprimanded by their seniors and consultants...feel inadequate when given extensions for a work they think they've worked hard enough...fall asleep in looooong lectures that their brains couldnt even process the data overload. What else should i add? Everything that challenges the mind, the ego and the body? A clerk really have to experience such. All good doctors have to go through the pains of clerkship.

I believe that going through clerkship is just a breeze if someone has the right attitude for it. Seriously, i didnt care much about my toxicity. Yep! I was branded as a toxic clerk eversince...now that i am a resident, I still am..aargh! I enjoyed walking through the empty corridors of the hospital in the early morning while watching for the sun to rise even if i literally would drag my tired feet just to cross one building to another to monitor my patients. I felt gratified seeing patients at the ER or at the wards treating them as my own even if i was still in training. I was a neurotic, a masochist to be exact, when i was a clerk...sort of died with myself, deprived myself of some things that would hinder me in my training (lovelife included...ehehe). That was just for a year. A year wouldnt count much for the 24 years that i lived life. I didnt have regrets in the end. I simply enjoyed everyday of my 12-month training. Success was sweeter after i went through the difficulties of training.

To our junior interns, keep on going. Hang on. The long agony will soon be over. Remember that a diamond is once a coal that went through the pains of fire. Just as the good doctors we admired ...the doctors we look upon to become like one...we all have to go through fire. Believe me...nothing is harder, more painful, more difficult but more rewarding than passing through the world of "training" - clerkship to residency. Put your heart in it the way you loved your "first." Focus your mind in it the way you never did. One year of clerkship or junior internship is never your whole life but it will determine the doctor that you will become all your life.

If I were paid a million bucks to go through clerkship again? I'll take your millions and go back in "heaven". Now that my hair is dry...lying in my bed would be more heavenly as of this time.

Dear Junior

This is for my junior resident who's giving me a very hard time. I know you read my posts and you can definitely read this. Yep! Im having a hard time with you. I just would like to let you know however that im not giving up on you. Ive been working with you for the past six months now and ive seen that passion in you in this profession that we are in. If you dont have that thing within you, you could have given up a long time ago. This road that we took is all rocky i understand. A neophyte like you would definitely grow tired and burn out after a short journey should you lose that passion in you.

Now if you are holding on still, so am i. I'll be the bitchest senior that you'll have should you never improve on your performance. I'll never stop those pressures im imposing on you so long as i couldnt see you giving out your best. I'll drain out your hidden potentials for your patients' benefits. There's a great potential in your person. You just have to learn how to develop it.

So as i am about to take my rest after a wasted duty that we have, here's a song that i guess will apply in the next duties that we'll have together. This is for you to hold on with our training, and for me to never give up on you. I'll never give up so long as i could still see that passion within you. Im saying and doing this, for you have to remember that, before i became your bitchy senior, i was and will forever remain your friend.

Miracles Do Happen

I know someone who is a walking "inferiority complex." Im not having a problem with semantics here. When i say "complex", im referring to a structure, a human being and not the inferiority complex as a trait. If others are too full of themselves, she on the other hand is so full with all the insecurities in the world. The way she stands and the volume of her voice say it all. She's got those potentials that remain to be untapped. Potentials that would come out only if she'll get rid of all her insecurities. If i allow her to keep up her inferiorities on the loose, this world will be one less of a good doctor.

Ive seen her compassion towards her patients. Ive seen her sensitivity to others that unfortunately has sometimes gone overboard. She has become too sensitive to what others might say about her. She has become too conscientious of her actions to the point that her performance suffers because of it. Her every move was always preceeded by hesitancy, afraid of what other people might think. She believed in what others might say that arent favorable to her. Ironically, she believes too in the goodness of man. She believed in other people more than she believed in herself.

She's not good-looking. Alright, let's say not presentable. She projects an image that's not noticeable for she doesnt want attention to herself. This struggle towards having a low profile however makes her more prone to others' criticisms. Curly, split-end laden hair, dull complexion, poor fashion sense, what have you? She has it all. Now add these physical attributes to her psychological make up and you're creating the living "inferiority complex" i previously mentioned.

Why am i blogging about her? The moment she became my intern, this girl has become a constant challenge to me. Ive seen a compassionate, would-be excellent doctor in her person. This will only come out though after you have made your way to her jungle of inferiorities. Thus, despite of my toxic life, i tried to the best that i could to trim down those insecurities that my "power" could remove. Ive spent time talking with her and discovered the root of everything after she had opened up. Her problem started a little more than a decade ago. She was even able to recognize what that was. Problem though, she reacted in a negative manner. Instead of taking those criticisms against her critics, she took it against herself.

She started to build a shell for her to hide into. She forgot her potentials, forgetting everything that she can do. And i hated her for this. Yep! I hated her for being so insecure. We are poles apart that's why. I dont know but i was never insecure of myself. Maybe we were just raised differently. I was made to believe not to feel inferior of other people in whatever position or status they may belong. They did not contribute to my well-being, nor even helped in feeding me and sending me to school. I need not please them but i must not also forget to respect them. I was made to believe that so long as i am not stepping upon somebody's principles and beliefs, i am not doing anyone wrong. Thus, i owe noone no shame.

This belief is what i have been wanting to channel to her. I have been wanting to help her lift herself up from the pool of insecurities that she has been swimming in. I am having a major project on her that im afraid, is more bound to fail than to succeed. I'll be helping out someone who's a few months older than i am in biological age but never in EQ or IQ. I'll be transforming someone who's used to the kind of life that she has for the past decades.

I know it's going to be a tough job. I believe though that there'll be noone who's going to be at the losing end. I'll be renovating a 29-year old insecurity complex alright, but if this is what it takes to develop someone who's going to save lives, it's worth all the pain. It's just that i'm praying for a miracle. In this age and time though, miracles still happen.

All About This Blog

Received comments from friends and acquaintances as to why this blog of mine seems to be dark. People who know me well would definitely comment that this blog's aura is totally different to what i project in person. I was asked to write about a more cheerful topic or maybe something that's got to do with my lovelife. Huwaaaat? Are you guys asking me to deviate from what this blog is all about?

In its mere design, i wanted this blog to reflect what its contents really are. For the background color, I chose black - simple, deep, dark, mysterious. With its title and heading, i already gave you an idea that this is a place where i could unload myself of the responsibilities that i have in my profession. Im calling this as my trash bin. Now if you could show me a trash bin that's neat and full of good stuffs, then maybe i will be forced to overhaul my whole blog.

By the way, what are those feet of mine doing here? I just wanted to show how nice looking they are.hehe Also, i wanted to give them the limelight here. Doing my daily rounds at work makes me neglect them most of the time. The only time i paid them enough attention was when i was absent from work because of tendinitis. Seriously, i wanted to create a contrast between the background and the pic. Also, looking at the pic gives me the feeling of carefreeness and being liberated - not just from work but from everything.

Pardon me then if you get nothing but negative energy here. The reason too why i appear so different in real life is that this is where my negative energy is released. I dont want to channel this negative energy to others without their consent. I know how it feels to receive such energy from others and be affected all day long by it. In short, if you get to have a share of this negative energy im talking about by reading this blog, im not to be blamed. There's an effort coming from your part too for you have a choice to read or skip this site. Now this is what i call my social responsibility.hehe

Just like a bitter pill though that you have to swallow first before you get the benefit, i tried, to the best that i could, to incorporate some sort of learnings that i gained from the experiences im posting. Haha. Am i hearing myself explaining here?

Alright, read on at your own risk. This is just what im trying to say.

As to my so-called "other" life? Of course im blogging it too. This blog can even be found in my profile. It remains to be private though.hehe

Justice

Blame it on the brewed coffee. Yep! It did help me digest that feast i had tonight but it's not just helping me find a good night sleep. Kept on turning in my bed finding for the right position that will put me to slumber. Sleeping is not a problem for a narcoleptic like me but not tonight. I am not sure if it was just the coffee that's keeping me awake or the news that a previous intern of mine told me tonight.

She wasnt comfortable with the new hospital that she's rotating in. Call it the Other Side Medical Center. With the said name it has a subliminal meaning that it's opposite our side. In whatever aspect, it's just our opposite. It has been considered as the pillar of the medical practice here in town. Obviously for being the largest, both in area and the number of its medical staff, and for being the most modern private hospital in town. It too is almost equivalent to the center of our college of physicians since most of its members originated and are practicing here.

About the news, she was just surprised to discover that her residents, who pardon my word are trained too to develop superiority complex, arent examining their patients at the Emergency Room! Hearing this was actually no longer a surprise for me. A few weeks ago, a colleague in the hospital where i worked complained that she brought her brother who was having an asthma attack in that medical center. She was surprised that the resident at the ER has a complete history and physical examination of her brother when in fact she havent examined the patient yet. Im thinking that maybe their clinical eye is well trained that they could already hear their patient's lungs just by mere observation.

Here's the gist of this blog now. I can hear myself shouting for an injustice. As a senior resident, i have been witness and have been a victim myself on how unfairly we were treated. Not because we came from a crap hospital, we too are crap ourselves. We have experienced those unfair treatments from our colleagues from the Other Side, from the media and from the patients themselves. We are working in a dilapidated and outdated government hospital but hey, our values, our knowledge and skills arent that dilapidated and outdated. What can we do however? This hospital where we work already built an impression if not to most, to some.

People have been thinking that our hospital is the place where the patients go and die. Heck! How can they not die here when we receive them at their worst and worst of all, we receive them with nothing in them but sickness? How can we manage them properly when we cant even apply what's ideal to them? How can we not apply what's ideal when the resources we have are scarce and so are their families'. In short, patients die here because they are meant to die. We are just fortunate enough to be chosen to pronounce their demise.

Why cant people count the number of patients that we have treated and were able to sent home well? Why cant people see the number of patients who comes back at the out-patient department for follow ups and who appears too different from the time they were admitted? Patients who looked like people from the land of famine with tubes stucked in their chest when they were admitted, now walking in the OPD fully made up from head to toe. They might even be mistaken as patient's folks.

We are always bombarded by issues of failing to attend to our patient's needs. Issues that we lousily dispense and manage patients at the ER. If we are to apply the ideal 1:3 doctor to patient ratio, then this wouldnt be an issue at all. Fact is however, there are about 20 patients minimum to just 1 doctor. How can one doctor who goes on the whole 24 hours for duty manage all of his patients? It would take a superman or superwoman to do such. Im sorry to tell you but there are superheroes in this crap hospital i am working in. I dont know but by some power, we could survive our duties that mostly are uneventful. By some isolated cases though, people from the outside world who already developed a negative impression on us would sensationalize an issue and this runs like wildfire. Fire that could burn down our dilapidated infrastructure but never our spirit.

We are always considered as an inferior race. Since we came from a crap hospital, people think that nothing good's coming from here. Not because we are working in an outdated hospital, we too are outdated. I am proud to say that our training program here is the best in town. Aside from the patients who forever will remain as our mentors, we are just damn blessed with consultants who painstakingly devote their time and knowledge in our training program - most of them are as volunteers. Also, where on earth can one find the department's chairman spending most of his time training residents and interns? I havent witnessed this from the medical school where i came from. We too are reading the same book as our contemporaries. Of course we can afford to buy one. Heck! Only this hospital is poor and not us.hehe We have a broadband connection at the office and we are adept in the latest technology. Yep! There are pc's and laptops inside that dilapidated infrastructure.

What im just trying to drive at is that, we too are capable of winning those contests. We too are human beings with heavy brains on top of our shoulders. We too are boardpassers who could effectively treat our patients. Only, we are working in a not so ideal institution. In short, those residents who work in the "ideal" institution dont have the right NOT to examine their patients. They are being paid to treat just like us. They are also expected to be honest in their dealings with their patients the way we are expected to act. Worse, they already have junior interns rotating with them and they must not afford to show these interns what's not ideal in patient management. Im not fingerpointing here ok? What im just trying to do is you know, shift the limelight on the Other Side. We have had too much publicity for the isolated blunders that we've committed that ive become almost allergic to it.

If only we're that weak at heart, we could have given up already after all those fingerpointing, bomb droppings and mudslingings. But no. We have an oath to live by. We have a role to play in this life. We have a script to follow. As for now all we could do is to stand strong, act brave, and shout for an injustice. INJUSTICE! How's that?hehe

I believe that we can never explain ourselves to everyone but fact is, we dont have to. What im doing here is that, im just whining and i still am under the influence of caffeine. That's all!

BCSG

This is an overdue post. Ive mentioned about our group from my previous post and as promised, ill be making a separate entry for it. It's just so timely that i just came home from our group meeting. Been bored for the past few days at home and after being informed by one of our members that we'll be having a meeting, i didnt have any doubts attending it. We met over dinner in a restaurant by the sea and the night was concluded over a cup of brewed coffee. This explains why i still am awake posting this entry.

Now what does BCSG stand for? This is our group name. The name sounds ridiculous but anyhow ill be mentioning it here. It stands for Batchoy Club and Support Group. Im washing my hands clean here. It was Jedi who gave the name and i'll be describing him later.

Our group was formed over bowls of batchoy one fine afternoon, that's why. Went out for snacks with two of our interns and over batchoy, we shared sentiments about our work in the hospital. Not only that, we too shared lighter moments wherein we laughed at our bloopers or that of our colleagues. We shared a healthy conversation enough to make us feel better after a hard day's work and enough to sustain us again for another duty.

That batchoy session was followed by another foodtrip. This time, we had a new recruit - our junior consultant in the department. So there you go, over a pile of oysters, the official group was formed. Four members who have bottomless stomachs. No qualms as to food or place preference. No qualms too with regards to bill payments. In other words, bawal ang nag dadiet at bawal ang kuripot.

Through textvotes, we finally decided on our positions. By unanimous decision and by virtue of seniority, our president is no other than Dr. Potter, our junior consultant. The group's foodtrip and psychotherapy sessions will not be considered official unless the president is around. Also, only him has the last word as to the place or food to eat. Since he too is the most senior and is earning the most, he too is the financier of our eat out sessions - most of the time. Did i just mention bawal ang kuripot? Dr. Potter's the coolest resident, now P-resident, around. There are no dull moments with him. He could turn a really bad day very ok. His mere mention of POTO already makes me laugh. He lives as a "Grace under pressure," and this is what we are also adopting.

Then there's Jedi, our official mascot and driver. The only-but-never-been-spoiled-son. He's a postgraduate intern who eventually will end up in internal medicine.hehe His life story especially when he was an adolescent was a pang "Maalala Mo Kaya." Hmm, in a comedy genre. You'll never feel full when he's around for you'll burn all your calorie intake laughing at his stories. Now you already have an idea why we are a support group. After all the serious facade that we wear at work and after all the serious cases that we face in the hospital, we need lighter moments to detoxify us. Laughter is still the best medicine so said the old adage.

Our treasurer, secretary and informer is Adopted. Another post graduate intern of ours who was on the verge of quitting medical school after only a week of rotating in the department. I dont know what happened but this future internist is so interested in medicine that she helps out at the ER with the medical resident on duty though she's rotating in OB-GYNE. I call her adopted for she considered me as her adoptive mother. Poor little kid, with the physique of Miss Somalia, or locally that of a batang Negros, couldnt help but to adopt her.hehe Peace Adopted. She was given a special award by our department as decided by our chairman. The award goes with a 4-year residency contract.hehe Dont be fooled by the physique though. Fact is her metabolism is just rapid for her appetite is almost equivalent to that of Jedi's. Oh by the way, she's a hypothyroid as claimed.

Lastly, the muse of the group is no other than, who else? Need not describe myself here. This blog's too full of myself already. Just in case you are interested to know though, yep! Im a voracious eater. I could consume almost the same amount of food as Dr. Potter and Jedi's despite of my petite stature. Where am i putting all the calories then? Hmmm, try going on a 24-hour duty with me.

So there! Now you know the group that i always go out with. Aside from blogging, they too are my emotional vents. At least im working on my autism when im with them for i get to socialize with other people unlike when im only blogging.

BCSG - Four people with different lives, different experiences, sharing the same profession, the same sentiments, the same likes, and the same goal. Goal of having a life outside of the hospital, in order to be more effective in saving another life. Awwww. Barf bag pleeeease.

Contented

Many times have i done it in this blog? No other than to complain about my work. Obviously, this is what this blog is all about. My emotional trash bin where i can unload all my toxicities from work. If ill be posting nice posts about my job, then i should have renamed my blog title.

To deviate from my usual posts, ill be talking how contented i am with my work now. Woohoot! This is what the 1st 2 days of my force leave has done to me. Goodness im starting to miss work! Yay! This is soooooo me!

Went to the mall with my parents and youngest sis this afternoon. Mom's been wanting to buy a videocam so her techie daughter (unfortunately that's me), has to accompany her. I didnt realize how expensive these cams are now. Im not interested in having one so maybe i didnt have any idea on how their prices range. Had a hard time in looking for one. Mom's got her own taste but of course the last word would still come from me. If you only know how difficult it was for me to decide. Im not the one who's buying it and i dont want to end up feeling guilty should mom wouldnt like what i chose. In the end, i just guided her in her choice to the point that i have to let her choose between the cam and a laptop. Sheesh! The cam she liked costs as much as a new laptop nowadays. She's been needing a lap but mom's kinda wise sometimes. She's just waiting for me to upgrade mine so she could have my old lap for free. Tsk! Tsk!

Well, that was quite long for an introduction. In short, i got hungry and we ended up at a fastfood restaurant for some snacks. And oh the videocam? She didnt buy one. The one she wanted was out of stocks so she just have to order it should she want to have it. Great! Speaking of signs that if things arent meant for you, there really is a way for you not to have it.

Lined up at the counter to give our order. While waiting at the queue, i was trying to picture out myself on the other side taking the orders. "Yes ma'am? Good afternoon ma'am. May i take your order please?" Equipped with a smile plastered on my face. Aside from taking the orders, you have to take the stuffs yourself and you should do it in a haste. Now aside from giving the orders, you'll charge the bill and take the money. Whew! That was quite a job for me. I couldnt just imagine how toxic they get especially during peak hours like lunch time. What's difficult with this job too is that you have to master the art of smiling amidst the toxicity. Smile towards demanding customers - they're always right, girl. Yep! Even if they arent. Smile even if you feel like your legs are about to break down after the trips you've did from the counter to the service area and back. I'm thinking that should i place myself behind that counter, i need to wear a mask. I'm this transparent. People can see what i feel inside unless of course ill apply my best actress skills.

I always have a share of my toxicity at the Emergency room. Patients would usually come in herds and each has his/her own story to tell, own complaint to be attented to. Despite the demands and toxicity of my job though, i could manage to survive one duty after another. Nurses and interns that i go on duty with even consider me as a toxic yet cool resident for i remained to be a grace under pressure when im at work. Oh yeah? If there are also people who remain as graces under pressure, they are those fastfood crews who managed to smile all their shifts and manage to live on their meager salaries. And yes, i admire them for that.

Bottomline is, no matter what kind of work you are in, you'll never get toxic so long as you put passion in it. I may not picture out myself as an effective fastfood crew but maybe should i put more passion in it, ill eventually be liking my work. As of now, ill contend myself as a toxic resident in a crap government hospital. Be an effective and passionate lifesaver as i promised to Hippocrates. So the next time around that a patient comes, might as well apply the lines i hear when giving out my order:

"Yes sir, welcome to the ER. How may i help you, sir? Do you want to be admitted? Well, we have a variety of wards for you to choose from. We have the medicare and charity wards and of course our famous ALLEY WARD. Should you want to be more comfortable, i'll request you to bring in your folding beds instead of a cardbox for you to lay upon.

We also have a choice of intravenous fluids sir. Do you want it plain or dextrose containing? Yadda yadda yadda."

Now this sounds so phony! Actually, my patients need not hear a word from me. Just one grin and a comforting touch and they'll be enough.

Oh how i love my job!

Back

I'm back from a weekend outing with my family. Twas nice to wake up one morning without thinking anything in mind. Been absent from the blogosphere for sometime and i know that ive missed out on a lot of things. Well, i deserve this break and when i say break, i mean break from my daily routine - both from work and from cyberworld. Definitely i would be expecting a number of unread emails. For the weekend alone that i was gone, i had this number (see picture below) and only a few are spam. Yay! What can i do? With the schedule that i have, the only means of communication that i have with friends is the internet. Otherwise, i will surely be lost with the latest and forever will be branded as "the autistic of the year."

Officially, my force leave starts today too. Truly looking forward to mornings without a care. Looking forward to staying a little longer in bed and to a late breakfast. Looking forward to a number of movies that i have yet to see on a movie marathon. I'll be a bum for four straight days. Can you read that? Four days without work!

Tsk! Tsk! Thinking about what's going to happen with my life for the next four days makes me want to vomit! Ironic as it may seem for ive been complaining about my work in this blog. Now that im given a break, i still am complaining about it. Just when ill be contented with things? Actually, I'm not just used to this kind of life! Bring me back to the hospital! Dimmit!

Now i know why this is called a FORCE LEAVE!




WORD TO SELF: Your body's telling you to slow down can't you hear it? Now if you cant dig that, go cough your lungs out! Your body needs some pampering you stubborn young lady. The hospital can live without you. If you still cant get this, go back, be a martyr and build yourself a monument.

Warning Signs

It's been 4 days since i started to get sick. Yep! Yep! The doctor is sick. Sob! Poor little me, says my pathetic self. Been on duty without a voice, been examining patients with some bouts of cough and oh with some minutes spared to blow my nose. Where did my flu vaccine go? When will the single-dose-banana-flavored-but-tastes-like-hell antibiotic take effect? Took it upon the appearance of my early symptoms of running nose and it's been three hell days yet i dont feel better! Dimmit!

I feel embarassed examining my patients when i am sick myself. How can i effectively treat them when i cant even treat my own self? This comes from the other side of me. The arrogant one. You see when i am this sick, i have this poor control over my different personalities. They would just manifest without a warning.

In short, to shorten the duration of my symptoms, have to take another set of antibiotics. Sheesh! I forgot im working in a hospital. The one i previously took has poor coverage on hospital acquired bugs. Definitely i would go for the single dosing ones. The stubborn side of me has very poor compliance to medications.

This sickness, this apathy, multi-personality and self-pity talks are enough to tell me that i needed rest. I am no superwoman or machine who never gets sick or bugged down. My barely 5-ft frame couldnt keep up with the load that it's carrying maybe. Those 24-hour toxic duties that are almost sleepless. What about those "stressors" in the hospital administration? And they wanted us to compute for our oxygen consumption? Gimme a break! Not to forget a number of colleagues who think only of themselves and are stressors too. Heck! Im just earning as much as you are! How about those patients who have nothing but sickness to the point that i have to worry and look for their own medications or blood? Some ingrates would even act as if i owe them something. Since im a government employee? Great! Are there still a lot of you out there?

Enough! Ive had enough! My body tells me to slow down...have a break...have a kitkat. Sheesh! Now i can hear my corny side talking! Ive got nothing nice to post really. It's just that im sick and im too excited for my ever looooooooooooonged FORCE LEAVE! Wahaha can you hear that? A FORCE LEAVE. We are FORCED to leave. When will this be? Two duties away...just two duties away and ill finally rest in peace.

Oooops dont give meaning to my last line. That's morbid me talking.

Total Overhaul

Was tired from a 24-hour duty and i was too excited to reunite with my bed. To my surprise though, i went into a newly arranged room. The bed was moved to the center of the room from its previous position near the window. My cabinet's now occupying its place. Twas my sister who started to move things out maybe after that heavy downpour the other day. I heard from our helper that some of our pillows were soaked since we failed to close the windows. Well, been planning to do the moving myself a long time ago but was too tired (or timid) to do it. Thanks to the rain. Somebody did it for me.


I am so particular with the way the bed must be located in the room. I have an affinity to the wall. The cold wall gives me comfort and a sort of privacy too. Unfortunately, the bed was positioned at the center of the room and it disturbed me! Was tired yet seeing how disordered the room was since my sister failed to finish what she has started, i started to move things too. With the help of my bro, we moved the bed near the wall. However, the OC in me couldnt afford to see an unfinished job. Therefore, aside from moving the bed and changing the sheets, I started to scrub the floor, wiped the frames and tables and arranged my books too. At long last my disorganized table became a better site to look at. I felt how the room thanked me for being cleaned at. Fact is, I forgot i was tired and from duty and I also forgot the time i last cleaned the room myself. Im busy and im toxic you know.


There you go. My linens are warm and fresh. I'm from a toxic duty and been wanting to sleep since i came home from work. My bed's already calling me to sleep. Im too excited to drift to dreamworld beside another side of the room's walls!hehe

Mr. A.

Just came back from the wards. My attention was called when one of the folks of the patient i just pronounced dead was creating a commotion at the wards. Let me call him Mr. A...A for A**hole. He was having an altercation with the nurse on duty. Aside from that, he was sort of insinuating the other folks in the ward just so to gain support from them. I really dont know what he was really up to or what his point was. Point-blank, he was just being an toooot-hole! I hated his guts. I hated how he challenged and threatened the nurse. I hated how he acted as if he was in a stage play. Walking to and fro delivering his piece equipped with removing and folding of eyeglasses. Duh!?! He was a frustrated stage actor if i were to judge.

I didnt even say a word. I was just looking at him amazed why in the world was he given a chance to live. I was examining his every word. Studying his every move. I allowed him to say his piece. He wanted attention and i gave him his due. I first asked him to come inside the station for us to talk. But no. He wanted a limelight for himself. I just imagined how lacking in attention he was maybe when he was a kid.

I was concerned of our patients. He was delivering his speech in our critical care ward. He was asking for sympathy from the patients or from their folks in that area! He was talking like a politician. He acted as if he was a lawyer defending a client! I remained silent for about 3 more minutes until i realized that he had gathered enough audience for himself. More people from the other wards came to hear his piece. Where did our guards go? I saw one in uniform behind him. Also stunned, doing nothing. This time, keeping silent is no longer an excuse for me.

I hated the guard for giving us no protection. For being chickens by not being able to control Mr. A and the crowd. It took a word from me before they gathered their senses to realize that hey! We're the security guards here! The other word that Mr. A mentioned that really took my guts was media. Yep! He was threatening us that he'll be calling the media. The what? The media? And what will the media do? Sensationalize the commotion that he has created? This poor creature needs my product im telling you. I didnt fight him back. He was a potential customer.

In my most polite voice, hiding those horns and keeping my tails folded, i answered back. I'll face whoever he will bring and ill face him even up to the highest court if he likes. He was afraid of the court. He realized maybe he was never in the position to act such. He shifted topic. From the problem with the services of the nurses to how insensitive we are to our patients' death.

Eeeeengk! Eeeeeengk! Eeeeengk! Can you hear the alarms going off! This is it! I couldnt stand this statement! We? Insensitive? You bull$#*&, sonof@#$%*, a^&*hole. Do you know what you're talking about? Dimmit! Dimmit!

I answered back! Told him that he just dont know what we feel. In my most polite tone again. He answered back with another piece. He asked his "audience" if we really are feeling something! This quarrel is going to the dogs. Should i continue to tolerate him, ill never win. Should i talk back and answer his pointless ideas, i still am in the losing end. Call the police! Those chickened guards are nothing but displays. I dont wanna waste my energy on those craps. I still have a 24-hour duty to cover. I still have sick and dying patients. This guy only needs ATTENTION. PERIOD!

Hearing that we are calling the police, Mr. A suddenly got lost. I hope hell swallowed him whole. The chickened guards didnt even thought of keeping him until the police came. Sheesh speaking of another potential customers of my second product...Common sense.

I love this crap hospital! If you really want life's adventure, witness all sorts of dramas of life, we are a WOW Philippines site. Pasyal na!


Postscript:
Heard from a colleague that Mr. A came back the next day. Now a bit calm and sober. He now have a name that's not even worth posting in this blog. All i knew was that he was a keeper of the guns of someone with a big name. Heck! So what? A fly on top of a carabao? Care to lend a flyswatter, anyone?

Lost

Couldnt help but notice how lost her father looked. He was 26, hmmm, 3 years my junior. Though he looked younger than his age, he too looked so innocent and pitiful. What worried me the most was her. The newborn being carried by her young father. She was just a few days old. Her mother was at home recuperating from childbirth. She was septic. A walking time bomb ticking away if not given prompt medical treatment. She was already the 3rd child of the family. Her mother was just 23.



Her father was apprised of her condition. He looked a lot worse. Who will feel great knowing that you have a dying child and your pocket have died ahead of her. Where will he get his resources? Where in the world can he find help?

I still am not numb to this kind of sight. She wasnt my patient. If i pursued pediatrics then she might have been. I was just an observer from afar. Was given a few minutes to relax at the ER after admitting our nth patient. I was feeling for her. I was feeling for their family.

Now i know the reason for my toxicity. Fate doesnt just want me to have some time to relax and be able to witness such sight to dampen my spirit. I still have a lot of lives to save. So better think of happy thoughts.

A New Journey

Travelled a little more than 2 hours to reach their place. Half an hour by land and an hour by sea. Ok, i failed to include on how long we've waited for the coastguard just so we'll be permitted to sail. On board a big pumpboat, i shifted to autistic mode when i got bored waiting for whoever that was who shall sign the manifesto. I started to play with my camphone and took pictures of whatever or whoever caught my attention.

This picture was taken before we left the shore. Reminded me of my dream of having a house by the seashore. It need not be a white sand beach. I just wanted the sound of the waves, the coolness of the breeze and the ambiance of the sea.

I was trying to read what they are thinking. At first i kinda envy their job. I, the ever beach lover got excited having that ride of my life and wanted to let that moment last a bit longer. As i observed them more keenly however, they looked bored for doing their routine work of sailing. Observing more deeper, maybe they were worried on what to feed their family for the day. Hmmm, i guess i'll just settle with my toxic life and this short break from work. At least i dont need to worry about a family to feed.

I was saddened by the way this sea water looked. This could be the result of the rampant illegal logging in the province. Oh well at least there's still a nice cloudscape to look up to.

Trying to figure out what's going to happen to us for the next hour. No back support for the seats, no cushion under our butt. It's not that im not used to this kind of life. Heck, have travelled to the mountains on a weapon carrier during one of our medical missions when i was in medical school. What im just trying to say is that, for someone who just came from the hospital for a duty, a more comfortable seat would have been a bonus.

So after an hour by the sea, we finally landed on the wharf which was just a few meters away from where she lived. Their place was a sleepy town. Time was running so slow there and what you can see were vast farmlands and fishponds. When we reached her place, she's no longer there. She was already brought to the chapel for the mass. There were a few relatives who came and some neighbors too. Heared not a single sound of someone crying while the mass was going on. Her family and friends might have already accepted her fate.


The only time that ive seen her family and friends crying was when her coffin was about to be brought to the funeral car. I dont want to witness such sight. I made sure to include in my death plan that i dont want to see anyone crying in my grave.


We travelled under the heat of the sun for a few minutes before we reached the cemetery. That was very humid during that time. I was sweating like hell and i felt so sticky. We joined the other mourners in a jeepney. Just when i was all sweating, i had a free powder from the road dust coming from the jeepney's windows. I would have enjoyed this better if it was not humid. I love to travel and i love to sweat but to feel like you're in a large sauna? Whew! What i was experiencing that time reminded me that ill be submitting my leave forms when i get back to the hospital. Been tempted to join the Amazing Race Asia...hehe

We finally brought her to rest. Her journey here on earth ended after 29 years and off she was to another chapter. I may not know what lies ahead of her but witnessing how her family and friends loved her made me think that wherever she may be, she's happy with the kind of life that she had and will be having. I just hope that she'll continue to live in peace.

THANKS TO YOU (For my Parents: for keeping up with me)

WARNING: MUSHY POST AHEAD

THIS IS MY BLOG THOUGH SO YOU HAVE
NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN.
JUST KEEP ON SINGING.

Dined out with the whole family tonight. We had an advance celebration for my parents 30th wedding anniversary tomorrow. I definitely couldnt join them tomorrow for ill be on another 24-hour duty. Part of the job. Good thing my family's kinda used to it already. I'll be missing out important events or celebrations most of the time to the point that i no longer feel holidays.

My parents have been together for 30 years! Whew! Im posting it here for i admire how the two of them lasted each other's company.hehe Seriously, im just so thankful being blessed with the kind of parents that i have. Aside from blogging, my parents are my living emotional vent when things in the hospital's tearing me apart. I remembered how they have witnessed me crying my heart out because of disappointments with the people around me. They were there to comfort me when i'd be affected by my patient's death. They were the first people who supported my plan of pursuing residency training in this institution. They were also the ones who assured me that twas not just me who was prepared for whatever consequences that this training in this government hospital might bring me. Fortunately or unfortunately, they were also the ones who contributed to my toxicity. How? What with those prayers everytime that i go on 24-hour duty, that the patients would go to the hospital because i was the one on duty? I discovered this when my dad comforted me while i was whining during one of our family dinners. I was too full of my toxicity that time that twas already reaching the limit of my tolerance gauge. Hearing dad however say that i should feel better because God must have trusted me so much to entrust His people under my care, made me feel worse. This was what he was always been praying everytime im out for a duty. Sheesh! He should have prayed instead that his daughter be given a time to rest...haggle it even for just one duty a month maybe? Rationalization however tells me that there nothing wrong with dad's prayer anyway. Maybe he and God believes in me more than my pathetic self.

For 29 years, my parents have been there for me. The reason too that i couldnt be so obviously wicked are them. I always hear good things about them that the least that a child like me could do was never to taint their name. These fellows have worked themselves up and ive witnessed their hardwork to keep our family. Couldnt help but admire them for this.

Though having a family of my own is still a blur for me, i just wish that ill have the kind that's like my immediate family. I just hope though that i have acquired my parents' patience and commitment to stay in the relationship. By the time that the Haley's comet becomes visible on earth, i surely have it already. This is the time that i promised expectant friends that ill get married. Well, I still have enough time to develop this patience until 2062.hehe

Live and Let Die

Came from a 24-hour duty today. Since it's a Saturday and I was entitled with a half-day off from work, I spent the whole afternoon with two members of my BCS group. In case you might be wondering what BCS stand for, it's Batchoy Club and Support Group. The name sounds ridiculous. Batchoy Club?haha Well, the details of the said group deserves another entry.

Now back to my afternoon break, we had a late lunch in a Chinese Resto. After having our fill, we spent a few minutes at the mall's appliance center looking at cameras and televisions. Well, just to let the food that we ate get digested before we take our seats in the theater. Yep! After the eating session, we watched Shrek 3. I'm not going to make a movie review here. It's just that i liked the movie's soundtrack particularly this song in the video above and from where this post's title came from.

But if this ever changin world
in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die

A few hours before this break from work, i was about to breakdown in the wards. I was dead tired and yet i have to make rounds to a number of patients - not my patients to be more specific. I dont know if it's just me who's toxic but sometimes, life really isnt fair on me. Oh well, who says it is? Ok, maybe im not fair with myself. Life's been good and beautiful but when it comes to work, it's different, believe me.

I'm already in my senior year yet i feel that im more tired when i am from duty compared when i was just starting residency training. I dont think it's age, but it's more of having a bigger responsibility now. For this month, i had to cover for several days for my junior. I had to once again make rounds at the wards like when i was in first year. Good thing if i dont have an ICU to make rounds with, or meetings to attend to. Things simply are getting into my nerves. Sometimes, they almost tempt my tearglands to produce some droplets of tears just so to let this thing out of my system. Unknown to me, my tears are i guess light sensitive. They dont come out when im exposed in broad daylight.

Today, my junior wasnt feeling well that i have to make rounds with her patients. As a senior i felt that it was a better thing to do though i felt bad doing it at first. Been in her state also and i could never remember a time though that my senior covered for me when i was really in bad shape. I went on duty at the ER without a voice and made rounds while having fever. The only time that i was absent for a day was when i couldnt take those tendinitis - well, also a result of overwork.

So there i was the whole day swimming in self-pity. Goodness, i never realized how pathetic i could get when i lacked sleep! I was irritated and i wanted to cry. The heck with those tears though, they cant lessen the number of patients that i have to visit. I wanted to shout on how unfair life could be sometimes. The heck with complaining, it just added insult to my pathetic self.

The remaining sane neurons that i have might have worked doubly hard to keep my composure. Instead of wallowing in self pity, i planned what i have to do to make my job a bit easier. Life might have pitied me too that i had 3 interns who came to help me out with the rounds. Whew! The whole time i was making rounds, i was thinking of a prize that i would reward myself after a hard day's labor. I deserve a break. A good break.

So there, after a hearty meal, we went to watch Shrek 3. I'm this cheap. Just feed me and give me some entertainment and i'll be ok. The reason why this song got into me was because this was what's being played when we entered the cinema. And the lyrics? Oh, it's so timely.

What does it matter to ya
When ya got a job to do
Ya got to do it well
You got to give the other fella hell

I have a job to do and i have to do it well. I did do it well. I realized that no matter how tough my work could get, i know that i just have to live and let die. Who has been talking about living life everyday to the fullest anyway? Even if it seems that life could be unfair, i just have to think about reward conditioning. Doing the job and rewarding myself when the job get's done. As a result, it makes the work a lot easier. Nothing beats working with a happy and light heart.

By the way, who's the other fellow though that i have to give hell to? Of course no other than my other pathetic self. I just hope that she'll rest in peace.

A Business Proposal 2

Yep! I have another business proposal. You see, i was able to gather a lot of partners for my previous business proposal. They realized how rich we could get if this will push through. Attention is quite a very important commodity these days just like air.

As for this 2nd proposal, i was able to think about this when i realized that there are a lot of problems that are happening in our wards. Most of these problems are products of a lack of one's COMMON SENSE. Only if most of the people here especially a number of our nurses, would have this, then my life would have been simpler and happier.

If i would consult encarta about it's definition, COMMON SENSE is a sound practical judgment derived from experience rather than study.

A what? SOUND...PRACTICAL...EXPERIENCE. Wa-wait...Lemme digest it's definition again. SOUND...PRACTICAL...JUDGMENT...EXPERIENCE.

Eureka!!! This is really what this hospital needs! Goodness! If i were to review the series of cases that pushed me to pursue this business proposal, most of the nurses who committed some blunders are those who have stayed in this institution for several years already. Most have been here for some 10 years or so. Yet, look at how they perform in the wards. Im not generalizing but a number of them really have poor judgment. It's like their judgment isnt congruent with their number of years of experience. In short, if i were to make an equation out of it:

POOR JUDGMENT + YEARS OF EXPERIENCE to the nth power = - (COMMON SENSE)

A negative common sense. In other words, absent, nil, wala, uncommon sense.

So! If i will be able to sell common sense and make it as a commodity, definitely a lot of sectors from the government to business will surely be interested of this product. Who could take an employee who cant give a good judgment in whatever job assignment that he/she has? This will improve employees performance and would even result to efficiency at work. No employer shall also be fuming with anger because of a poor judgment committed by his employee. No doctor will get irritated because of unnecessary referrals by a nurse who has a good sense of judgment and assessment. This will also result to peace and harmony in one's workplace. Now, who wouldnt be working in a peaceful and harmonious environment?

My product however will expire in a year's time. In short, the subscriber or customer has to repurchase it. I'm thinking about my future too you know. If all the people have acquired common sense in the future, who will still be buying my product then?

Death Plan

Went to the chapel where she was laid to pay her a visit. She looked better now compared to the time we first found her dead. She looks like she's only having her precious sleep. Only, she's no longer bound to wake up. Not anymore.

Saw all the flowers and mass cards around her coffin. Talked with her closest relatives. They were all surprised by her untimely demise. She wasnt able to leave a word. She didnt even show some signs that she's leaving. Though she has been ranting about life and on how she wished she was dead to her close friends, those were not taken seriously. In a toxic institution that we are in, talks about death is not uncommon.

Her loss was an opportunity for me to review my plans...my death plans. Yep! Been keeping one. I even have my own last will and testament. I realized though that if i keep my death plans, then most likely my family will not be able to accomplish it. I couldnt rely on my friends' memories too during our morbid talks. They might forget the details. So i've come up with my list and im posting it online. Should my time come, at least i already immortalized it here. tee-hee!

1. If i were to make a wish about the kind of death that i would have, i would also want to die in my sleep. You know, the kind that you only slept the night before and it just happens that you forget to wake up the next day. Must be the reason why i always wear my nice sleeping attire on. I travel with my intimate apparels in pairs too. You can never tell when death will meet you, right? I would surely be embarassed as a spirit looking at my dead body being undressed with ugly undies on! Disgusting!

2. I dont want to die at an old age. You know the kind when you could no longer attend to your needs. I dont want to make other people's lives miserable by taking care of me. Yep! To the point that i need someone to assist me when nature calls? Nah! Not until this time. Sad to say though, only good people die young. The reason i guess why im struggling to be good. I'm starting to keep those tails and to hide those horns. Promise!

3. Should people find me dead or dying, i dont want to be resuscitated. Intubation's a no-no. I cared for these precious whites of mine with my visits to my dentists (note: irregular visits). They arent supposed to be severed because of intubation. And oh, chest compressions? Goodness! I dont want to get hurt anymore. If i may be found dead in my sleep, then let me sleep for eternity. Dont break my bones just so to resuscitate me. I'd rather die with an intact sternum than be alive with a flail chest.

4. I wanted to be cremated. Really! Been talking about this with friends and even to my mom. She doesnt agree with me. The Catholic church dont believe in cremation she said for during the second coming, our soul shall go back to our earthly body. HUwaaaat? My soul going back to my worm-infested, foul-smelling dead body??? Can you imagine the corpse bride? Nuh-oh! I wanted cremation! Actually, mom's point of view has changed now. I guess im already starting to convince her that cremation's already accepted. By the way, about the reason for cremation? 1. I dont want to be seen "dead". What i wanted those people ill be leaving behind to remember is my alive self. Not my funeral parlor made up self. 2. I dont want to lie down inside that cold coffin and wait for the worms and decomposers to consume me when ill be buried 6 feet under. Lastly, i wanted a taste of hell when ill be cremated so that ill appreciate heaven even better.hehe

5. Instead of flowers or mass cards, i wanted cash. Cash for charity. I would like to donate it to the patients of our ward. What can flowers do? They cant even save me should i deserve to be punished. At least, my death would be quite meaningful for ill be extending lives still even when im already at rest. I cant bring those flowers with me. Should the cash be donated to our ward, a lot of lives will surely treasure the help for eternity.

6. No crying. No mourning. Yep! I dont want my parents, my mom especially, to cry. Should they cry, i wanted to see tears of joy. Joy that finally, ill be going home. I wanted to assure them and you reading this, that when that time comes, i am ready and i have embraced death wholeheartedly. In short, be happy for me. I will surely be saddened leaving you guys behind. It's just that i only had an ealier flight. We'll still have our reunion.

7. No sad music please. Call it weird. Let other people comment but i dont want some "Hindi kita malilimutan" rendition. Upbeat music would be preferred. "Staying alive," a better alternative...hehe

8. No tributes for me. This would only serve as a venue for others to cry even harder. Also, I find these tributes corny. Really! It's kinda ironic to pay tribute to someone who's already dead. I believe that should you want to express kind words to anybody, let him/her hear it while she's still alive. The reason why i wanted to live my life each day as if it were my last.

Whew! If i'll continue with my list, i might be able to make my longest post ever. Hmmm, if blogger has a limit, i might even be able to reach it. These basically are the essence of my death plan. If i happen to forget something, feel free to leave a comment to remind me. By the way, dont you worry. I still cant feel it coming. So long as im in this institution, i still havent been good. Only good people die young, right?

Detached

The conclusion of my 24-hour duty being alone was a very dramatic event. Early in the morning today, life within the hospital stopped for an hour or two. A young pediatric resident was found dead in her bed inside the hospital dormitory. Being the only medical resident on duty, it was i who pronounced her unexpected demise.

I, the once cry-baby, now has dyfunctional tear glands. I have observed for several years now that i havent cried for someone's loss. Not even that of a very close relative. I did feel the absence but i was numbed, not feeling the pain of losing someone. This could be the reason why this event happened during my tour of duty. I have a good control of my emotions. I pronounced the unexpected death with dry eyes. When everyone else's were crying inside the emergency room, i was seated at the counter, feeling detached.

I could see myself sitting on a stool, witnessing the drama in front of me, looking sympathetic. Deep inside though, i couldnt recognize what i feel. What i can only understand is that what i was feeling that time was not enough to prompt my tear glands to function. My emotions might have drifted away from my body thus making me numb about what happened.

Detachment is one of my coping mechanisms especially when i started residency training. What with those deaths i have to witness almost everyday? My first few months in training were quite hard until i knew how to be detached when this event comes. I have to struggle on some episodes of depression for a patient's loss. I would really be affected by my patient's deaths. As i grow more mature and older though in this profession, i started to practice this coping mechanism.

As a doctor, I believe that when everyone else's become weak and emotional, someone has to be strong and more objective. It's like acting as a pillar for everyone as they start to crumble. This has been my role in both my family and friend's circle. People think that i am as strong and hard as a stone. Little do they know that i am just acting strong for them. If not for being able to master being detached, i too could create a well of my tears.

This coping mechanism is i guess quite healthy so long as you know how to channel your emotions. If i dont cry in public it doesnt mean that i am not capable of crying. My tear glands were just programmed to function when im alone and in the dark. If i may not be able to express what i feel verbally, this blog actually would suffice. I'm not promoting blogging, am i? Seriously, i find blogging as my emotional vent and this helps me remain sane.

What i was feeling today was a mix of emotions. The feeling of loss, grief, pity, happiness, everything else, except fear. Loss for another member of the dwindling medical staff has to go that early. Pity and grief for those she left behind especially for her parents and friends. They were not prepared for her loss. Pity for her future pediatric patients. She could have been one of best pediatricians in town. Happiness for finally, she'll be home. Finally, she had her rest. She'll be relieved of the 24-hour duties. Relieved of toxicity from this hospital. Relieved from her responsibilities. She too was a chief resident. Yet here i am, still struggling to keep my balance. Juggling my time with all the responsibilities that i carry upon my shoulder.

Why the absence of fear? I believe that death is inevitable. This is one event that we also should welcome in our lives. Call me morbid but i could talk about death, specifically my own without feeling uncomfortable. We all shall die. This is something that we too shall prepare for. I guess it's just like getting married. You too dont know what lies after the ceremony. Both have heaven and hell. Well, more analogies shall be reserved in another post. What i just wanted to say is that i am not afraid of death - in both sides. Either it's i who will be left or i who will be leaving. So long as i live each day as if it were my last, i dont think that i'll remain unprepared for anybody's death, even that of my own. So, should i talk about my own death, dont accuse me of having suicidal ideations. I am just this open-minded with this topic. Actually, i have made a death plan already. Yikes! When my contemporaries were doing wedding plans, this is what i am preparing. Hmmm, is this enough to tell you that i welcome death more than getting married?hehe