The Child Within

I dont know why im feeling this way. I just feel soooooo light and ecstatic. It seems that i also lost one thorn deep within. It really feels different when your prayer is granted. For you see, i just blogged about it this weekend and today, i witnessed what i wished to see. Need not tell the details but all i can say is that nothing's better than an honest and sincere communication.

How i wished i was back to the time when i was a kid. Kids dont keep grudges or resentments. When they would have arguments among their peers, they may punch each other or shout at each other just so to express what they really feel. A few hours or the most a day after, they're back as friends again as if nothing happened.

I wish as an adult i am like them too. What i couldnt understand is that as we grow older, we lose that child within us. Instead of becoming more courageous to express what we really feel, we tend to bottle up our feelings and in a way suffer with it. Must be the reason why there are a lot of us who feel unloved. Why there are a lot of misunderstandings that remained unresolved in time. Why there are a lot of relationships that were never patched up. Must have been our experiences of pain, disappointments and betrayals as we grow older that make us less expressive of what we really feel.

It's quite sad to know that it would take years for some to settle their differences or conflicts. I'm just so happy though that today, i've witnessed two mature individuals who set the child within them free. I wasnt seeing two adults talking rather two kids who were making peace with each other. Fact is, it only took them less than an hour to settle years of misunderstandings.

I always make it a point to listen to this child within me. She cries and she complains, everytime i carry something deep within that i couldnt express. Resentments, anger, grudges, they consume her. This is the reason i guess why most people i know find me confrontational or gutsy when it comes to these stuffs. I dont want her to carry that load. I dont want her to grow old and mature and eventually lose her zest for life. I dont want her to live on resentments and eventually realize that ive wasted so many years letting her live in such mess. I dont want her to lose her optimism and idealism. Life's always been unfair and without these, she might not be able to see its beauty. Life's really so damn short to live it in misery. Why will i spend most of it in pain or in suffering when i have a choice to live otherwise?


Sheesh! What am i talking about here? It's either i'm having a regression or i'm dying. Hmmm either way, i know i'll be dying in peace.hehe

On Gratitude

I was brought up in a home where charity and gratitude matter. I was taught to share my blessings and at the same time, taught to look back on the people who have been instrumental to my growth as a person. Whether that person has been good or bad to me, in a way, his/her presence in my life has contributed much to my maturity. I will forever be grateful to them. Yep! No matter what pain i have experienced with them in the past.

Fact is, I dont live on resentments and i will definitely have no time for vengeance. If other people have done me more harm than good, then there's noone to be blamed but myself alone for allowing it to happen. In short, i just have to live with the idea that there are naturally bad people and these bad people were created for a purpose too. It all depends on how i'll let them affect my life. Everything lies on how i would let them mold my character.

Recently, i received a call from a junior consultant who happens to be a former senior resident of our department. I felt all her pain and resentments to our department and to my former seniors too who happen to be her juniors. When i was an intern, i already witnessed this conflict between her and her fellow residents. Ive seen both sides of the coin. Ive kept mum though and kept my opinion to myself knowing that i would be in no position to intervene. After more than three years, i was called to be involved. Receiving that call, hearing her side of story and emphatizing with what she felt, i feel that there's a need for me to eventually say something.

She resented the fact that her juniors where ungrateful for what she had done for them. They were talking behind her back, were talking bad about her, and did not talk things out with her. I am not taking sides here. Both parties are close to me for in a way, they both contributed to where i am in right now. What i just cant take is the fact that why on earth can other people be so ungrateful? This junior consultant might have lapses or deficiencies but these are not enough reasons for her junior to talk bad about her especially to our chairman. Fact is, not because you can already stand on your own feet or fly on your own wings, you'll eventually forget what someone has done for you when you were a fledgeling. She was way ahead of them and for sure, she has trained them too when they were just starting. This i guess would be enough for her juniors to pay her a little respect too even if they forgot how to be grateful.

Noone's perfect shall we say. I for one have a lot of resentments too to my seniors. These arent enough though for me to forget all the help that they have extended to me when i was just starting. As previously mentioned, i dont carry these resentments with me. I have enough responsibilities to carry on my shoulder. To degrade someone though or to assassinate her character for whatever benefit is quite unreasonable. If this junior consultant had been selfish, much that i felt that my seniors have no right to be ungrateful to her for they themselves didnt differ much from her honestly speaking. Hearing the extent of the damage that they have done to her life is not even enough reason for me to lose my respect on them.

There's a truth really to the old adage that one mistake is enough for other people to forget all the goodness that you've done. Her good work's eventually forgotten. Instead, she was more remembered for her absences and excuses. All eyes were on her, awaiting for her to commit another mistake. With this kind of working environment, not even i will choose to stay and suffer. She was also a victim of circumstances. She lived in the time where our chairman was yet untamed. Untamed for he'll lash you out with those words you couldnt take. If your motto is not "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me," you'll eventually die bleeding in the battle of words. This was what happened to her. She wasnt able to express her side. She wasnt able to talk things out. She was just too damn afraid to speak out or maybe too wounded to reason out.

I'm not talking that our chairman heard just one side of the story. Independent and open-minded that he is, i know that he didnt not just take stories from the other side and believed them. How can he weigh things out however for the problem with our junior consultant was that she didn't say a word. She didnt explain her side. What made things worse was that she left the department without a word leaving a mark of an ingrate.

Recently i discovered that despite of what happened, she was still grateful to the department, to our chairman and to her training. She will not be the most trusted consultant in the hospital she's currently working in if she's not trained well, this she claims. She also believed that her being was molded by her training in our institution. Like me or anyone of us for this matter, she too has an ambition to subspecialize. The problem however is that she couldnt move on and eventually take a step higher. This thing, for the past three years, still holds her down.

It's so sad why some people really just couldnt talk things out. It would take years to settle old conflicts. It would take years to unload one's resentments. The courage to talk and to express one's self is actually not proportional with age i realized. Not all people have the guts to really say what they feel. The reason why most of us feel unloved, unappreciated and unaccepted is because it's usually hard for us to say "i love you," "thank you," or "im sorry." I just couldnt imagine living such kind of life for i might be given just a few number of years to live. I dont want to waste it by not sharing a part of myself to others.

This Monday, i pray that everything's going to be ok for her. Our chairman initiated the move to talk to her again. This happened just out of the blue. Or maybe, a caring father that he is, he has been thinking about her all along. I believe in his independent mindedness. I also believe in his fairness. I just pray that on our junior consultant's part, she'll be open-minded and remorseful too. I also hope that she could express what she really wanted to say and not wait for another three more years before this century old conflict be settled.

With my fingers crossed, i hope to witness a revival of the story of The Prodigal Son, our Department's version!

Family

For once, let me post something lighter in this blog just so to prove that this isnt just 100% ranting. You see, for the past few days, i couldnt help but look back on the decisions i've made after i passed the board exams. Passing that exam meant another chapter of my life ended and that i was bound to start another one. I couldnt imagine how i asked for signs and divine intervention on which road to take. I was verrrrry toxic when i was an intern that i decided to be an academician instead after the boards. Also, I couldnt take seeing my patients' lives drift away in front of me that i was discouraged to take further training.

My mom, optimistic that she is as ever, encouraged me to train. "What will happen to our health system if all the doctors will be as chicken as you are?" This she kept on asking me. I realized that she has a point there. Noone becomes a good doctor unless he/she trains. If i was afraid and affected by my patient's death, then i should give my best in return. In short, after several signs and after some time of thinking and rethinking, and not to mention that looooooongest month i've spent at home (since i've got nothing to do), i decided to train.

What specialization? My first love was really pediatrics. I love to be with kids. I hate their parents though especially toxic ones. Oh, not to forget their grandmothers - even more toxic than the parents. Imagine the scenario of having one toxic kid getting sick with almost a baranggay of relatives with her coming inside the emergency room. Since i also asked for a sign that i will train in the subject where i will excel in as reflected by my board rating, i took internal medicine instead. Did i mention that eversince, i was a lolo and a lola's girl? In short, i could relate well with the geriatrics too!

So here i am, currently in my 3rd year of training in internal medicine. Looking back, i really didnt have regrets that i pursued this specialization. What hindered me from taking pediatrics too was the fact that i really was not comfortable with the people around me in that Department. I felt no sense of family. Really! Even if people will tell me that their chairman was a mother herself, i didnt feel her being motherly when i was an intern. Other people even discouraged me to take up IM since aside from the fact that the department chairman was the strictest of all chairmen, he was also known for his temper. I witnessed it myself take note, on my first day as an intern in the department. A joke's running in the hospital too that the dreaded consultant in the pediatrics department was teased by their residents for according to them, he was the reason why i didnt pursue pediatrics since i was afraid of him. He on the other hand was wondering why i wasnt afraid of the IM's chairman. The punchline was, because IM's department chairman curse in English and not in the dialect.

Three years have passed and i could say that i still could stand another year here. Yep! Despite my toxicity. Despite those whining and rantings ive been making here. Actually, i was whining more about this crap hospital i am in right? Not about the department where i currently feel so at home. Sob! Am i having a separation anxiety here? Im not having my PMS right now but i just feel so melodramatic.

You see, i am called a resident because basically, i reside in the hospital. Every 3 days, i go on a 24-hour duty. Everyday, even during holidays, i report to the hospital for more than 8 hours. If i dont feel at home in this purple office that we have, then i will always be in a hurry going home. This what makes our department different from others. The camaraderie, the relationship with my colleagues, this i wouldnt trade above anything. The dreaded chairman that most people find to be is i guess the warmest and the most sincere of all. Ive witnessed his temper but i also witnessed the lighter side of him. This made me understand that the reason for him being such is because he just wanted the best from us. We are given the freedom to test our wings yet at the same time, we are guided on how to land. We could express our individualities without fear of unacceptance or scrutiny. We are pushed to our limits yet we are constantly encouraged to move further.

I may have experienced pains especially from that someone ive been ranting about here, yet this isnt enough to discourage me. I believe that there's always a deviant wherever you will go. Her presence is enough to spice up my stay here especially when things become a routine and get boring. Actually, she's a constant challenge to my patience and maturity. Other than this, i found another family outside of my home. With this, i will not wonder why a lot of our interns started to love the most dreaded department in the hospital. I will not even wonder why there will be a number of applicants who will be coming over. Work will only be work if you dont enjoy and love it. In the department where i belong, noone's working. We simply live everyday of our lives and enjoy our journey.

Aaaaaargh! Barf bag! I need a barf bag! Aaaaaack! You see, when im posting such stuffs as this one in here, i get sooooooo sick and uncomfortable! Oh well, let's just say that im selling our department. This is just one way of telling those who read this blog that we are now accepting applicants for residency training...hehehe

The Jungle

Many times have i described my workplace as a jungle in this blog. Wild beasts are all around me. From the administrators to the employees, down to the patients and their relatives, they all were scaring me to death when i was yet a neophyte. No longer now. With the theory on natural selection otherwise known as the "survival of the fittest," i could say that i have finally adapted to this kind of life. I have assimilated myself in their midst, but take note, my principles and values all remained to be intact. I started to find my niche though in this jungle and i am grateful that i have chosen the right one for me from the start.

Always on my autistic mode, i have become observant of the people around me. I tried to study and examine the predators in this jungle. It's like, knowing thy enemies if you wanted to survive. Eventually, in my 4 years of existence in this institution and that includes my internship, i was able to categorize these beasts based on their performance and character. Pardon my choice of words. This blog is meant for ranting and destressing. If some words make you puke or arent easy to swallow, feel free to click on that red x tab at the upper right hand corner of this window.

To continue, here's my list of the jungle creatures in this place im working in.

1. Eri the Elephant

He tops my list. Eversince i was an intern, i just couldnt take his face. Nah! Dont get me wrong, i dont discriminate and judge people by their appearance alone. It's just that he was gifted with a pachyderm face and an equally pachyderm character. Pachyderms are defined as large, thick-skinned mammals, and this is where Eri belongs. If his face and character arent that thick, he would be ashamed to throw stones at other people who are allegedly not performing their duties well when in fact, he would be in the top list if i were to judge him. He would be ashamed to cover up his blunders just so he would appear as Dr. Nice-Guy or Dr. Efficient. He would even be more ashamed to take another position in the administration when in fact he couldnt even perform well in his other duties as of presstime. Lastly, if he were not a pachyderm, he would be ashamed to gain wealth from other people's poverty. I need not elaborate more in this matter for i might give away the clue of who Eri really is. By the way, he's Sunny's sidekick today and Ben's the next day or vice versa. In short, he's got no loyalty other than to himself.

2. Sunny the Snake
Someone who appears very religious but pardon me, in the name of God, i hate his religiosity. I can see him in the church, i can see him in religious affairs but goodness, is he attending these ceremonies for the purpose of earning indulgences? Maybe he's making up for his wrongdoings too, that's why. He's got a sweet tongue too! He could convince people with his arguments and he could convince the higher officials that he's not the snake. Tsk, tsk, who convinced Eve to eat the apple anyway? He'll bite and eat and hibernate when he's full. In short, he'll acquire wealth for himself and will eventually remain deaf and blind with the problems of the hospital. I just hope i'll see him in the streets of China someday and be eventually made into a delicacy so that he could be of use to others. He's Ben's best enemy.

3. Ben the Baboon
If i were to describe a baboon, it's a large, loud monkey. Even encarta describes it as someone who's rude, unintelligent, clumsy or uncultured. This is where Ben fits in. He may have a lot of ideas and plans for this jungle but goodness, he's not thinking first before these ideas come out of his mouth. He's got poverty of words, errr i mean poverty of intelligible words for most of those that come out of his mouth were pardon me, nothing but crap. He may have good intentions but he doesnt know how to put these stuffs into action. He serves as the guardian of the jungle against those predators ive earlier mentioned but he just doesnt know how to find the proper venue to implicate them. Equipped with his long snout, he's fond of babbling to hear himself out. He's Sunny's long-time contender to the throne and his bitter half.

4. Bry the Crocodile
He was at first, Sunny's good friend. They cover up for each other in their corruptions. Im thinking that there was an unequal sharing that happened here causing him to blow the whistle against his old friend. He eventually changed allegiance and joined Ben's side. Together, they hit the one on the throne with their media campaigns thinking that the higher officers will not hear them. They were eventually heard and it was not just Sunny who was relieved from his position but the two of them too. He's got a thicker skin than Eri and harder too. In short, he could perform his evil ways without just shame but without fear too.

There are still a lot of characters in this jungle where i am in but these four top my list so im giving them the limelight here. In my four years of existence in this place, they made my stay colorful and dramatic. Character assassination, mudslinging, verbal arguments, these made our Tuesday conferences exciting. Oh well, Tuesdays are boring now without Sunny and Ben picking on each other. With only Eri left, who always takes the spotlight, I always make sure to keep an anti emetic handy. Most of the time though, it's quite beneficial to attend the conference with an empty stomach.

The Prayer

The results were out and im sharing with the happiness that my "adopted kids" are currently experiencing. I once relived the time when i heard that i passed the exam myself. I could feel how blessed one can be after receiving an answered prayer. Hmmm as for my case, i had a different prayer back then. I prayed that if God will not be able to answer my prayer, then He should answer my parents' prayers instead. See, i was not praying for myself. I was praying for other people, in that case, my parents. In my mind, God must be telling me how wise i was. I might have waived my request for myself but goodness my parents were surely praying for me too! One other thing, I believe that my parents are closer to Him than I am so i was thinking that maybe their prayers are heard stronger than mine. In the end i realized that i was the one who's stronger. My prayers were all granted...my prayer for myself and for my parents.hehe

To our new doctors, congratulations! If you have prayed fervently to pass the boards, pray more fervently to survive the real world. It's really very different out here. It feels like being in a jungle with all the wild animals just waiting to devour you whole. I'm not giving out a threat, am i? What im just trying to say is that, we must never stop praying. Yep! even if we have already reached our childhood dream. I'm not doing a homily here too. It's just that i believe how important prayer is in our lives just like the air that we breath. You need not go to church to say it. You need not even those pamphlets or novena booklets and rosaries either. I hate phony people and modern times Pharisees. People who appears religious and spiritual yet acts the contrary. All we need is just an open line with the One in Power.

For me, a simple "Hi!" to Him is already a prayer. I'm not having hallucinations but i could hear Him speak to me when i start greeting Him. Most of the time He tells me,"Be patient to them the way that I am to you." Oh well, maybe when i get pissed off by those people around me that sometimes i wanted to cast the Cruciatus curse at them. At times, i could hear Him say,"I expect a lot from you for you are more blessed." Hmmm, when i feel that work and responsibilities are too much that i wanted just to evaporate and disappear in an instance. He also never fails to remind me,"You are loved." This i always wanted to hear most especially when i am obliged to face difficult people and i am forced to love the unlovable. Epppp! You cant blame me! There are a lot of unlovable creatures around and they live and are happy as such. Maybe, just maybe, they were created to remind me how special i am.

Note to self:
Aaaargh! I hate it when you're posting this kind of stuff. It makes me puke and hide under my skin. Everytime you're doing this, i know that you're running out of your power supply. Oh well, good thing you're self-generating!

Waiting

Not so long ago, i was also in anticipation of the board exam result. Unlike the other professional board exams, ours is usually out after about 2 or 3 days from the last exam date. Thus, it saves us from the looooong wait in agony. I really couldnt describe what i was feeling during that waiting period. A lot of those ahead of me were telling me that this would be the most agonizing time during the board exam. The result would determine your future and this would really matter much. Good thing i was inside that dark deep hole during that time. I was totally numbed saving me from feeling fear and from experiencing agony.

Tonight, together with the people i know, i'm in joyful waiting of the results. A lot of our interns took the exam and im too excited to see their names. Soon, these slugs, roaches, mops and what-have-you's as named by our chairman, will be included in the line of hippocrates. The result shall determine those who are strong of heart and spirit after having been through the hardships of internship. The result shall recognize those who stood through the storm. Though this shall never identify who will become good clinicians in their respective fields, i believe that these interns of ours are well-equipped with compassion...the main ingredient in the making of a physician. I should know for they couldnt have survived their rotation in our department if they aint have even an ounce of it. wink! wink!



Note to self:
Goodness! It seems that you're more nervous and excited now than while waiting for your own board exam result. In a way, you were involved in their training and you also feel responsible for the outcome of the boards. Also, you have to realize that it's different being a "mom" now. You have adopted interns and just like them, keep on praying that they shall all pass.

The Commitment-Phobe

Found this link from a friend's site. Since im waiting for precious sleep to visit me, tried to answer the questions and the statement below came up after it analyzed my answers. I was thinking that maybe, i could post this as the 3rd part of my "Get-a-life" issue. So here's the answer to the question: Why am I still single?

Definitely speaks a lot about me.

---------------

Once the blush of first love wears off with your partners, do you get a little antsy? You probably crave excitement in all realms of your life, and you need a relationship to keep you filled with possibilities. Let us guess: Someone has probably told you that you haven't quite grown up yet, that you're still holding out for the perfect "whatevers" (job, car, home, date) in your life to come a knockin'. Or perhaps you're just having a difficult time accepting that your comfortable little place in this world is always growing, always evolving — and that means you have to be willing to accept big life changes, too. Not that there's anything wrong with that. After all, you're probably a lot of fun to be around and may be the life of the party.

But when it comes to settling down, you leave without looking back twice. Now's the time to ask yourself: Why? What's holding you back? Maybe you don't want someone to get to know you fully? Perhaps by saying "yes" to someone, you're afraid you'll lose yourself, or the possibility of something better coming along. Just remember that the best relationships are those that never stop growing. That's something you can identify with, right? So keep that in mind next time you find someone you're really comfortable with. You never know, it may prove even more exciting once you really get to know each other, teensy flaws and all.

To summarize things up, I had this as an answer...
you're single because you don't want to commit!

Hmmm, nothing sounds better than this. Too correct to be true...hehe

To the Limit

Sometimes, there are people who will really push you to your limit. When i say limit, im referring to my patience and tolerance level. I've developed a very loooooooong patience through the years but granting that i'm having my pms right now, this patience shortens. My tolerance gauge also goes down to dangerous levels. In times likes this, i know, i know, i just have to blog it!

There you go! This trash bin of mine is once again another trash richer! Here i am, a trash poorer - but feeling better.

On the Right Track

Blogged about how other people picked on my single-blessedness status a few days ago. I was never affected by it actually. I was just amused at other people's reaction knowing that i, at 29, is still single and unattached. I was also surprised on why having a lovelife would weigh heavier than having a career. Tsk tsk! With this kind of perception that most people have, i would never wonder why a lot of kids grow hungry and uneducated. They can't be fed or sent to school by their parents' love for each other. My principle is, Love can make you happy alright but it can never relieve hunger pangs.

I am never cynical about love or having a relationship. It's just that everything has its own right time. I believe that you dont hurry love. You have to plan it like planning your own career. I realized that, despite other people's comments on my present status, i am on the right track. I prioritized my "career move" eversince and i never regret it. This was even more strengthened when i had an opportunity to talk with an old friend, now my junior intern, this afternoon.

This post is not intended to pick on her current, miserable life. I am just thankful that at least, i was guided by the Great Architect's hands as to the path that i would choose to tread. I was given the wisdom as to the decisions that i was going to take. For you see, we were classmates in premed days. As a matter of fact, we belonged to the same peer group. Peer groups in college dont usually last long though for this is already the time when you have developed your own character and principle. We actually clicked. We had almost the same outlooks and views in life. We both wanted to pursue our medical education. We both prioritized our own families. I wouldnt be in her company if we didnt have the same principles back then.

We lost touch when we were in medical school. I dont know what happened to her then. After both of us were away from our different families, her principles weakened. I just heard that she had a boyfriend while in medical school and that she was financially supporting her own boyfriend who was younger than she was. Was it because she felt panicky after realizing that her body clock's ticking and that she's getting older without a boyfriend? She failed several times in medical school maybe because of her divided time. Her parents didnt even know about the relationship. Goodness! I really cant understand why you have to make that extent of sacrifice in return of having a relationship!

To make the long story short, she got pregnant, uhmmmm, to make it more complicated, not from his boyfriend but from her 2nd boyfriend who eventually left her and her baby without a trace. She's still in medical school, and was bound to be expelled from their house by her own mom. Her parents are filing for a legal separation for they are divided as to their stand on how to deal with her. I was talking to a different lady this afternoon. I could no longer find the strength that she possessed a few years ago. She was in tears, with a spirit that's almost crushed. I was talking to her not as her senior, i was once again a friend. I was so sorry for what she's currently experiencing. I was speechless and at a loss for words. I couldnt think of the right words to say to comfort her. I carefully picked all the words of encouragement and comfort that ive delivered. In the first place, i was critical of her choices in life that i just couldnt judge her for what she's going through right now.

In the end, i simply asked her. "Did you regret everything that happened?" She answered with a nod. She felt guilty for her family's condition. She felt sorry for her siblings and for her parents. The thing that struck me the most though was when she told me that she felt things to be okay when she sees her baby.

Life is really just a matter of priorities. It doesnt mean that the thing that makes one happy would give happiness to another. It doesnt mean too that what one is lacking off would make the other person long for it. I could only tell if im on the right track when i feel happy and i feel right. I learned this from her. She might have experienced that bad fall but she learned to rise from it. Everything might have screwed up but there's this tiny living creature that made it all right.

Keep Away

Heightened sensitivity, labile emotions, tolerance gauge giving out a warning signal that it's nearing to drain, food cravings (eats anything in front of me) to the point that i dont get full, a feeling that my clothes shrunk (or must be me who feels bloated), and sonic nose that's now very sensitive to fume most especially to noxious ones. All these point to just one thing. I'm PREGNANT!

Huwaaaat? How in the world could i think about this possibility? Alright! Blame my hormones for this! Im not pregnant! Hello???!!! I dont have plans to reenact the life of the Virgin. Ok, all these symptoms tell me of one thing. Im having my PMS....Premenstrual syndrome. Nah! Definitely not the pre menaupausal syndrome...ooops goodness and i cant even spell it right? Pre menopausal syndrome. There you go! Tsk! Tsk! My hormones have gone awry!

I cant help but pray (yep! I prayed for this PMS thing!) for all of these to end! I dont like myself when i feel this way. This happens for a whole damn week each month with its peak a day before my monthly visitor comes. I could be very violent and intolerant during these times. Fact however is that i could recognize it. Been dealing with this for 16 years alright, how can i not become an expert on this?

You see, just yesterday, i was talking with an employee's wife. She was the most difficult person to deal with for she refused to listen to explanations. Anyhow, the gist of the argument was that she wanted us (my co-residents and i) to sign her husband's medical certificate. Noone would for in the period she specified, not one of us has seen him. She insisted. We continued to resist and decline to the point that i have to tell her straight to the face that i wont be risking the license. that ive worked my ass off for 10 years, for the medical certificate she was asking for. That ill be eating her whole if she continues to insist. Well, twas 11:30 in the morning, i was from duty, havent had nothing per orem yet and have been running around the hospital filling up the damn senior house officer report that we were obliged to do. All these plus my PMS could really lead to nothing but an irritable me.

Actually, my sanity has kept my humor intact. I was doing these things with humor. If i was so serious about what i was telling her, then maybe she could have gone hysterical and we ended up in a bad note. I even tried applying the Patronus charm on her...you know to drive away dementors? It didnt work though. Been shouting "Patronus!" several times waving my pen towards her yet she didnt go away. I guess the spell went back to me for it was i who felt better after having a good laugh with what ive done. She didnt understand it definitely. My junior consultant who happens to be an HP fan too, tried to cast the cruciatos curse on her. "Cruciatus!" It didnt work too. Eventually by whatever force, she decided to leave or maybe after she realized that noone really was charmed by her to sign in her medical certificate.

This is me! Pre menstrually. I always try to be in my "autistic mode" when i feel those symptoms ive previously mentioned. If i feel that i could do harm to another living thing, i try to hide inside my cave and deal with myself. This is the reason why im withdrawn and aloof for a week. I couldnt tell everyone to keep away from me. This would be very taxing. For convenience, maybe i could just wear a shirt or place a tag on myself saying: "Keep away! PMS ongoing!"


Post script:

After telling my story to my HP fanatic sisters, they almost rolled down laughing! Goodness! How can i drive that dementor away when i said the wrong spell? Patronus is a "noun"...it's the name of the charm actually. The incantation would be "Expecto patronum! Sheesh! I should have known! I should have known! As for Cruciatus? It's a noun too. The incantation would be, "Crucio!" The next time around, im confident that i could drive away dementors!

Get a Life

Met someone from college today. She was the president of our organization and she was like a big sister to me back then. She was surprised to see me grow up. Hello!?! As if i was really that teenie meenie little girl back then. Maybe i gained a little weight alright and on the contrary, it's even a compliment for me. She has the same bubbly personality. She still talked and asked questions at a speed i couldnt fathom. Twas like she delivered 5 paragraphs already and i only responded with a "yes."

Bubbly: "Are you married?"
Me: "Uhmmm..." (in my mind, i was thinking, not in the immediate future.)
Bubbly: "With boyfriend?"
Me: "Uh???" (not in my wildest dream for the mean time.)
Bubbly: "Why? What's the matter?"
Me: "Priorities?"
Bubbly: "What priorities?"
Me: "Career? Further studies?"
Bubbly: "Oh. You're done with that. It's now time that you'll think about yourself."

Then, there's this 3-second pause then "the end."

She was in hurry that she have to leave soon. After our goodbyes, she left me in wonder. What was she trying to tell me? "I must think about myself?" Goodness! Was it because i'm still unattached? I really cant get her point there. It doesnt mean that since i am unattached, i dont think about myself. Are my plans of further trainings not a selfish act? I'm thinking about my future, about myself when i planned this. Isnt it not having someone tagging on my line a selfish act too? I dont want to care for anyone nor to divide my time with someone as of this time. I wanted my time to be mine so that i could plan whatever it is that i wanted to do with my life. Am i not thinking about myself then?

I realized that people have different priorities in life. She said it in good faith but im thinking that maybe her priorities are different from mine. She too was a medical student. Several times though, she failed in the board exam. At present, she's married and now a housewife. She might be prioritizing family life more than her own career that she's already happy with what she is right now. I on the other hand kept on studying and training. Career-driven at my own discretion. Grabbing whatever opportunity there is for self-growth. If there's really a place for lovelife in my priorities, then maybe it occupies the backseat.

In short, you can never tell those successful people who are unattached to think about themselves first. Fact is, like me, they have been thinking about themselves all along. For me, being in a relationship isnt equivalent to thinking about one's own welfare. You may have someone with you to share your life with but this is also equivalent to having a responsibility over this someone. But if she's referring about the remote future when ill be old and demented, then i guess this will be the time that ill be thinking of myself by having someone to share my dementia with.hehe As for now, I am selfish enough not to be in a relationship. Enjoying the prime of my life, my career is still what im prioritizing. If this is where i will be fulfilled and happy, then who disagrees that being single is not an act of selfishness?

This is my life. Sometimes other people just dont have a life of their own that they could see and scrutinize other people. The problem however is that they usually pick on single ones (that includes me) thinking that these people arent happy with their own lives. If ill once again hear this "think about yourself" line the next time, i might not be able to control myself that i could tell him/her to "Get a life!"

The Dementors

I am not a Harry Potter fanatic. Fact is, i havent read a single HP book though we have all the seven books here at home. Nah! Dont get me wrong. I am no way against the HP hype. It's just that im not fond of reading fiction novels. I'm more on human interest stories, autobiographies, non-fiction ones. I love HP movies though. Have watched all of it. What im just trying to imply here is that, despite of not laying a finger on HP books, i am familiar with the story and the characters.

What with having two sisters who are HP fanatics? With the way they talk about the book they're reading, you cant help but be amazed how they transformed a hardbound book into a full, vivid, movie just by listening to them. Alright, i dont get irritated. At least it saves me time listening to them than reading the book itself.

Interrupting that long introduction and back to our regular programming, ill be talking about the Dementors now. You know, those scary creatures in hooded cloaks? Those creatures who suck one's soul and not only that, their mere presence make the environment cold and dark and almost lifeles? Keeping their company makes one depress to the point of insanity so they say. They feed on the positive emotions, happiness and good memories of people for its their life. Hmmmm, will these descriptions be enough in order for me to prove that these Dementors do not just exist in JKR's HP book? These Dementors exist in real life! Actually, in this crap hospital where i work, Dementors hover everywhere. Im working with them, walking with them, eating with them, talking to them. They are in my midst. They assume whatever form though - a colleague, a nurse, an intern, a friend or what have you. Hello?!? They dont wear those hooded cloaks and be mistaken as the "Kamatayan". They're more intelligent now for they could wear scrubs with a stethoscope around their neck and act as a doctor.

I have imposed on my self to be optimistic at all times. Have experienced how it is to be in the dark and i really couldnt help but regret on those times ive wasted living in that cold, empty, lifeless pit. In short, im a good prey for those Dementors around me. The rule that opposite poles attract applies in my case for negative people have an affinity to me. It's not that i dont want to help. It may be my role in this life to give comfort to others but to be a victim of those Dementors? This i wouldnt allow to happen.

You know, Dementors in real life are that intelligent and greedy. They could act as if they'll be needing your help but fact is, they're sucking all the positive energy there is in you. I could feel how tiring it is to deal with them. Some could even manipulate you by acting needy but refuses to accept help when you give it. Their sole purpose is to have someone with them to share with the black, cold and empty life that they're living. No thank you, but i already had a share of the experience. If you want to live a miserable life, go live it alone.

How do i deal with them? I know that i couldnt apply the Patronus charm on them. I just have to simply walk away and avoid them as a prophylaxis. If avoidance would be quite obvious and rude, i just shift gears into my autistic mode. With this, i may be physically present but ive shut all my positive emotions safe and away from them. However, this autistic mode must be coupled with the Oscar's Award Winning Act. What i mean is that you must be in your best actress mode too. You act unaffected and happier while generating more positive energies from your inner store. Since they're selfish beings, they arent sensitive enough to other people's emotions. They dont care if they're sucking all the life out of you. In short, they dont know if you're just faking your happiness or your happy disposition. So long as you appear unaffected in their presence, they will eventually tire out, leaving you eventually in peace. How's that for my treatment and management for Dementor's exposure?

I hate Dementors and i have no plans to be like them. If im given this life to live, i wanted to make use of this rafting positive energy to others. I could be like that chocolate bar with almonds that helped make me feel better the other day. Oh, i failed to mention that chocolates are used as a first aid treatment to mild cases of contact with those Dementors. As a physician, i could be a chocolate to others too but i have yet to perfect being a chocolate to myself first. Blogging is one way of perfecting it.=P

Life Is Good

Despite of the things that have been happening lately, i still could say that life is reallllllllllllly GOOD!

Foodtrips, conversations, coffee, sunsets, road trips, movies, family, friends...I HAVE AN ABUNDANCE.

The Notebook

I am preparing the post graduate intern's exam for their board review. Have to ask a friend of mine in Manila to send me some review materials and my very reliable notebook when i took the board exam 3 years ago. I was not after for the notes ive written in that notebook. I was after for the "reminder" that ive written myself 3 years ago while i was reviewing for the boards. I am planning to share those reminders with our interns. Reminders that i hope would help keep their fight especially those who are already on the verge of quitting.

Being reunited with that notebook after 3 looong years, brought back memories on how i struggled during those times. I was just forcing myself to study. I was during that time, been stupid by wallowing in depression for reasons that i guess need not be mentioned here. Reading those entries again, written at the back of the notebook made me laugh. I didnt realize how neurotic i was and on how i imposed things on myself just so ill be forced to study.

So here's my 26 THINGS TO REMEMBER WHY I MUST NOT TIRE IN STUDYING FOR THE BOARDS: A self talk
(Note: I was 26 years old during that time...that's why 26...hehe)

1. If you dont study, you might fail. If you fail, YOU STILL HAVE TO TAKE IT ANYWAY - NO EXCEPTIONS! (in bold letters as if emphasizing a point which in retrospect, was really a point.hehe)

2. You can SLEEP and REST ALL THE TIME YOU WANT...when you PASS (hmm, for a month's time? After a month of doing nothing, i started to miss my toxic life in the hospital. So here i am, "intoxicated" at work, all the time.)

3. Others DONT GET TIRED. Why CANT YOU? (referring to my friends who never get tired of reading until the wee hours of the morning. Late sleepers, early risers. Me, myself and I on the other hand was an early sleeper and a late riser during those times.)

4. If you fail...S H A M E on YOU! (Ooooops!)

5. S H A M E on your PARENTS! (Geez, if there were people that i was really thinking about during the boards, it would be my folks. This item in #5 might have been my drive.)

6. You're TOO OLD TO DEPEND ON YOUR PARENTS (speaking of extended adolescence)

7. You're old enough to DISCIPLINE YOURSELF TO STUDY (need not elaborate)

8. It's sweeter to pass the 1st Time (EXACTLY!)

9. People expect you to pass (speaking of how i carried this load on my shoulders. Now, the heck with other people's expectations. I'm going to live my life, MY WAY.)

10. There's NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE (After medical school, if i dont pass this exam, what will become of me? An albularyo to the barrios?)

11. Your sister, younger than you are is already enjoying her income (even until now)

12. I am not sure whether i deliberately omitted number 12 or i had a mistake in numbering so maybe this slot was reserved for the reason of my lack of drive in studying.

13. You dont want to go home disheartened...DO YOU? (I really internalized this one. The mere thought of going home disheartened made me more depressed yet this kept me going)

14. Remember how good it feels signing your name below the prescription...without any pair (i might have ran out of good ideas.)

15. Your patients are waiting for you. (and they kept on haunting me until now because of my toxicity)

16. Your students are anxious to meet you. (Uh-oh! i wasnt planning to train during that time...i planned to become an academician after the boards after i realized that i got tired of the clinics because of my toxicity)

17. YOUR PLANE TICKETS - ROUND TRIP - ARE FREE! (this was given to me as a prize for an achivement)

18. YOU ACCOMMODATION in CAVITE IS FREE (was invited by a friend to her place)


19. A LOT OF PEOPLE PRAY FOR YOU. (Thanks to all you!)


20. You're bound to give honor to your ALMA MATER (hmmm loyalista!)


21. You are indebted to LA SALLE (even until now)


22. You study to learn, not just to pass. (asus!)


23. You want to fulfill a childhood dream (wanting to start the final chapter of an unending journey in school)

24. This is the only way to become a FULL FLEDGED DOCTOR (is there another option?)

25. You are TOO BLESSED TO BE A MEDIOCRE (yebba! come on self! what was your orientation during those times?hehe)

26. YOU ARE DESTINED TO PASS BUT GOD WANTS YOU TO DO YOUR PART...Hello!!! BE WORTHY!

Hmmmmm...self explanatory. I really WAS DESTINED TO PASS IT.

What Matters Most

One baggage down, one thorn out.

Today, i had my 1st experience of the said diplomate oral exam. The first part of two. Still groggy from a 24-hr duty, went to the exam venue with only a mini booklet in my bag. I really have no idea about what will come out in the said exam. All i know is that out of a 2-volume bible that we have in the specialty, they will only get 5 diseases. We were oriented that we should concentrate more on the more common diseases and their complications. Eventhough, i still have to figure things out.

My fellow examinee from the other hospital was already there when i arrived at the venue. She was reading her notebook complete with all the notes and with her was the pocket edition of our bible. Well, i have been used to not bringing any notes during exams. I dont find it convenient nor helpful. Aside from not looking cool, i dont want to cram a few minutes before an exam. What matters most is what my teenie meenie brain contains.

After exchanging pleasantries, i heard what most people who will be taking an exam will be whining about. "I havent studied well." "I was informed only last week." Oh, so was i. To be more specific, for the past week, i was helping out the Irish students in computing for the medicines that they'll be buying for the department. The day before the exam, i was helping out in budgeting the meager medicine allocation for the whole hospital. I was studying on how to be an accountant to be more exact. Darn! This is supposed to be my sister's job. I studied medicine, didnt i?

Anyhow, equipped with the little faith that i have, complete with well-wishes from my seniors, co-residents, interns and family members, i felt nothing the whole time! I was numbed! I might have deactivated my sympathetic nervous system again. Or maybe my sleepiness overpowered my nervousness, negating it, resulting to a normal, non-feeling me! Attack mode! Whatever you call it. Que sera sera. Hakuna matata. If this exam is for me, then i shall pass it.

I will not go into the details of the whole exam. Just to give you a bird's eye view, there were two tables inside the examination room. Each table had 3 chairs on each side. The left side was were the panelists were seated and the right side was where we were seated, rotating from one panel to another. There were 5 sets of subspecialties. In short, we have to diagnose, manage and treat 5 diseases that are unknown to us.

Fast tracking, i finished the oral exam still feeling nothing. I guess i was able to answer those questions that were asked of me. The cases were really very common. I encountered them at the wards, at the er and they usually are the topics that we always ask our interns during endorsements. I had a problem more on the management and diagnostics though. Who wouldnt? I was used to this hospital where most of our patients were treated without the support of ancillary procedures since most of them cant afford it. Added to that, our well equipped laboratory has nothing but a complete blood count. Great!

In short, i was trained to diagnose and treat a patient by mere history and physical examination alone. This gave me confidence at the first station. In a way, i was also picturing myself at the ER, diagnosing my patient without any laboratory result at hand. The 2nd and 3rd stations were quite difficult since we have to deal with what's ideal. The next time around, all i need to do is to concentrate more on the ideal management that i could read in my books.

My chairman delivered the result to me. Still, i was feeling nothing. I was even starting to yawn again. Oh well, i can see another narcolepsy attack coming! He asked me how i found the exam. Told him that i was able to get all the 5 diagnoses correct. "Ok. So you passed!" I what? I passed! I have to repeat this over and over again to myself. Self, you passed! Hey! You passed! Bringing my consciousness back to realtime, i managed to smile. This is it! I passed! Can i sleep now?

Goodness! I didnt realize how important this diplomate exam was when my seniors started texting and calling me, congratulating me. You're one step higher now self! I was a step higher now? Alright, an achievement i might consider it. Modesty aside though, i wasnt really prepared before i took it. I was preoccupied with a lot of things in the department and i even went on duty the day before i took the exam. I just took a leap of faith. I was thinking that i will never be prepared after all so might as well take it now.

Well, one baggage out. I still have another one in October. As for now, i just couldnt help but thank all the people behind this achievement. I might feel that i wasnt prepared for it. I realized though that my consultants have prepared me well for the past 3 years. What with having a chairman whose standards arent that reachable? Since mediocrity has no place in the department, I was taught to strive even more. Also, I started to challenge myself on what i can do. Remove the word pressure. Pressure would be different. I only have one life to live and why pressure myself on the things that i coulnt do? Simply stated as, tapping my own potential. Not squeezing all the life out of me so as i could achieve something.

Shall i also thank this crap hospital where i am in? I might say that I wasnt prepared for the past week but i have been training myself for the past 3 years in this institution. What with those toxic duties? What with those magnanimous number of admissions. Oh, not to mention the number of interns that we have trained too. As residents, we were also learning in the process. In the long run, what mattered most is not what i was bringing along with me before the exam. Rather, twas what my gray matter has stored all along.

The Renegade In Me

A few days from now, i will be taking the Diplomate Oral Exams. Whether this will push through or not, i shall face it without fear. The air in the office is not as tensed as last year's wherein our seniors were all cramming for the said exam. Right now, i can feel no sense of urgency nor importance for the said exam. Is it because it is only i who's going to take it this year? Or is it because i seem not to be interested in taking it either for i dont feel like being a part of this college?

The college who after taking our membership fees remains to be apathetic and passive as to the needs of its members and future members like us. I couldnt even feel its existence. It's just that there's this prestige that goes with your name when you are a part of it. I dont even think that there's a sense of belongingness among its members. There may be for some but not for all. Where's the college that's supposed to create regulations and rules for the practice of medicine in our area? Where's the college that's supposed to promote ethical and fair practice among its members? Oh well, how can it promote such in an urbanized city like ours when it cant even make sure that the practice of ethics is visible in a small-time interhospital contest? For me, what happened was like a case of stealing in broad daylight and at that certain moment, it was legalized.

There's this renegade in me who still until now, remembers that event in the past. The renegade who was unjustly judged. The renegade who felt betrayed by her college. I am someone who never bear grudges to anyone though. Or maybe it never happened in the past that i was aggrieved by someone this much. Much more humiliated in public in my face. The very same day that that event happened, i chose to keep mum about it. Dont talk if you have nothing good to say, this i always keep in mind. I was thinking that i might get over that experience in time. I might learn to forgive the person for his unfairness or the college for its apathy. After 4 months though, i proved myself wrong.

There are times that i could still remember how wicked he looked like on stage while announcing the winners. I still could remember the disbelief in the face of the audience for the result. The side comments he delivered kept on ringing in my ears. I was not after for the win. I am never hungry for glory nor for praise. I have enough for myself. I am just someone who wanted things to be just. If they could do that to me or to us (for i represent my hospital), who could fight for my/our rights, what more to those patients of theirs, some of which are even illiterate, who cant assert their rights?

I am also someone who look up to those above me and gives due respect to those who deserve it. That time, i began to recognize those who really deserve to have my respect and who i owe very much of everything. Not because they are rooting for me. It was simply because they abhored mediocrity and they were rooting for excellence among us, the younger generation. Consultants who despite their achievements remained to be grounded and ethical. They are actually just around me.

Im writing this now thinking that i would be more objective about that event. I didnt realize that i will just open up and uncover an old wound. The optimistic me however chose not to squeeze those lemons, that life threw at me, on that wound. Im trying not to wallow in that experience. Instead, im learning to make lemonades out of those lemons. Im slowly turning that wicked face into an inspiration. Im trying to convert those side comments into stepping stones. Im starting to get strength from the pain that that event has created.

I was thankful for that experience for it was a light to my future plans. Ill be taking this exam for completion purposes not because i wanted to belong to that apathetic college that most of us have been wanting to enter. To that someone with a wicked smile, I shall be like him but i shall never be his equal. He has taken advantaged of his practice and specialization and i just dont know how many he has treated and drained to debt at the same time. I plan to go out of the country and specialize. The details however remain within the confines of my gray matter. Now that i have all the support from my family, i shall start my journey towards another big dream. If i surpassed that 4-year period for medical school away from home, i shall pass that 3-year training too away from this country.

When i get back to this city, i shall treat my patients the way i was trained in this institution as a resident. Not mindful of the fee, more concerned of the patient as a whole. I shall have my vengeance through my patients. No exorbitant fees for those needing my services. I shall be like those people i look up to. Successful, excellent in their fields yet remained grounded, ethical and pro-patient.

This is the renegade in me. Who says renegades dont know how to make lemonades?

If Tomorrow Never Comes

I have been exposed to deaths in the hospital where i work. Every death that ive witnessed always reminds me of my own. How will i die? Until when shall i live life? At 29, i guess i have enjoyed life already at its best. Im not certain about the would be length of my existence that's why i make sure to live each day of my life as if it were my last.

Attended the funeral of an aunt (my dad's elder sister) this afternoon. Her death was unexpected. I was just awakened by a call from my cousin telling me that they're in the hospital and my aunt is being resuscitated. She went into cardiac arrest. An acute myocardial infarction im thinking for she has been on maintenance medications for ischemia. Her husband has cancer with days that are counted. He's not aware of this. They did not let him know it. She kept everything to herself. She ended up going ahead of him instead.

"I love you, mom!" This line kept on ringing in my ears. Her eldest daughter said this while hugging her coffin. How many times did she repeat this. Im wondering if she told her mom this when she was still alive. I just hope she did. She deserves to hear it. She was able to raise all her seven daughters well. They're all professionals except for the youngest who's graduating this March.

What i just wanted right now is to leave a post to the people i love. I may be too busy to tell them this. I might always forget to let them feel it. Should tomorrow never come though, i just hope they know how much i love them.

Blog Cleaning

I didnt realize that i have been out of the blogosphere for quite a long time. If not for the message from one of my frequent visitors (thanks for reminding me sngl) that i havent updated yet, i may not even perform this blog clean up. Been way too busy with work these past few days. Though i have been wanting to rant and to destress in this blog, i would be more stressed out should i go online and get pissed off by my internet connection that's been constantly disconnecting and reconneting and disconnecting and reconnecting...leaving me with no other option but to click on "TURN OFF COMPUTER."

The troubleshooter in me looked for the root of the matter. Im blogging in the privacy of my own room and im connected to the internet to the main router downstairs through a 12-meter cable. Im thinking that it must be that cable that's defective for the internet connection of the main computer downstairs is very ok. In short, so as i could perform a blog clean up and to relieve myself from the stress that those prompts of disconnection has been giving me, today, i bought this...tadaaaan!
Yep! A wireless router that let's me blog anywhere at home...even in my own bed! Now, im stress-free! Im blogging without interruption. Im finally cleaning up this blog from cobwebs and dusts. I didnt realize that blog cleaning though would leave me a little less than 3,000 bucks poorer...tsk tsk


Post script:
Just in time that i have created our home into a wifi hotspot, my bro brought his groupmates along to finish their thesis. Now, there are three computers that are currently running right now with just one router. Bro, you owe me bigtime!

Blogger 's Block

After hearing the news that in a month's time, i will be taking the Diplomate oral exam, i suddenly went into a "Blogger's block." I'm no writer ok, so let me use this description of what im going through right now. Suddenly, it seemed that i always ran out of words everytime i open blogger to post something. I have a lot of things in mind yet most of the posts that ive started remained as drafts, unfinished and of course, unpublished. I am now bothered with something. I am now preoccupied by this exam thingie. Barely a month to go for the preparation. Barely a month to go before the D-day.

If i will be asked on how prepared i am for the said exam, my definite answer would be a NO. Capital N-O. I havent started even with my readings yet. Though i could see this exam coming, i didnt realize that i will be "forced" to take it this year. Ok, let me change the word "force". I know our chairman reads my posts..."Ok, boss, i was "ordered" to take the exam". Now this sounds better but will "coerced" be best?hehe

Holy camote! After all the work load, after all the crap meetings to attend to, difficult personalities to adjust with, i will be subjecting myself to this stressful situation. The last exam that i took was the medical board exam and that was 3 years ago. Boy! I already forgot how it feels taking a big exam. Aside from this, this exam will appear almost like an interview. I'm better in written exams for at least there's elimination and eenie-meenie-minie-moe. With oral exams though, i dont know how i will fair. I might stutter, i might mumble, i might run out of words, or i might just simply tell the examiner that, "Doctor, the answer is just at the tip of my tongue. Kindly read it for me?"

Bluntly speaking, I am not afraid to take this exam. Actually, i just feel nothing. Same ol' feeling before i took the medical boards. What i was just concerned about right now would be my performance because of my lack of preparation. My seniors faired well during their time. In fairness, they had the time of their lives preparing for it. There were 9 of us in the department that time and the only concern that they had were these diplomate exams. No toxic duties for they were always the last calls as to referrals. No crap meetings to attend to. No ward rounds nor out-patient duties. (Oh boss, i just hope you can read this plea of mine).

Heck! I'd better stop this self-pity. I know, i know, this brings me to nowhere and this self-pity thing is actually my best enemy. Putting on my renegade self, I never run away from challenges. Que sera sera. Live and let die. Bring them on. What doesnt kill me would make me even stronger, right? Passing or failing this exam wouldnt or doesnt tell the kind of doctor that i am. I know a lot of members of this PCP thing who claims to be successful in their field yet i dont look up to them nor envy the kind of life that they have. On the other hand i know some general practitioners or non-members who have all my respect because of their compassion to their patients and their love for their profession. In short, even if i fail this exam, i will never be a lesser person. Why will i worry then?

Well, I just hope nature would be a little more considerate though. May my 24-hr duties be benign. May i be inspired to read my book no matter how tired i am from work. May my narcolepsy attacks be never triggered by the sight of my book. May those cranky and difficult people around me turn into considerate and mellow ones even for just a month. After my exam, they could go back to their old ways and i wouldnt care at all. May i never be exposed to "biohazards". You know, people who are miserable with their lives and are tasked to bring stress to others. They simply consume me. Phew! I need a shield from them!

So, if this blog will start to collect dust and cobwebs, it's just either of the two things are happening. I am busy preparing for the diplomate exam or i still havent recovered from my "blogger's block."

What's With Blogger?

I'm wondering what happened with blogger. Is it the "Araw ng Lahi" yet? Why all the Filipino stuffs in the tabs and commands? I'm in no way against the Filipino language but heck! I'm having a hard time really understanding some of the words. If not that i have memorized the tabs already, i really would have a hard time posting this. It's kinda funny though mixing up the Tagalog with English words. If they have decided to use Filipino as the language for instructions here, then maybe they should have an equivalent Filipino word for the words like "SAVE", "PUBLISH", "POSTS", "EDIT", "SETTING," etcetera.

What's funny here is this...

"Ini-imbak" reminds me of those pickles and other stuffs that you store.hehe So if they use this word here, why not use "Nililigtas" for "Save"?hehe With the rest, let blogger do its thing. I just have to familiriaze myself with this thing for now. Crap! Im really having a hard time. Im on the verge of laughing and getting irritated. Laughing for the funny sentences im reading here and irritated for having a hard time understanding them.

POST SCRIPT:
Oh boy! What's with this? A broken Filipino word? Goodness! What's "Magagumpay"? You mean "Matagumpay"? And by the way, why not try using "Bintana" instead of "Window"...hehe