When I Grow Older

When i was a kid, i dreamt of becoming a doctor. A doctor who will treat the sick. My parents were aware of this but they didnt take me seriously. Kids could dream whatever they wanted so they thought. Actually, when i was a little bit younger, i dreamt of becoming an astronaut. Besides, how can they be so sure too that i would really be pursuing this dream when i was fond of reading not my textbooks but comic magazines? I dont know if you're familiar with funny komiks. I was more into arts too - sketching, painting and the like.

As i reached high school, i became interested with technology. The personal computers during those times were the kind that use casette tapes as data saving devices. The screens were then colored green. I was fond of tinkering with those stuffs and troubleshooting. My parents were relieved that at long last, i seem to have forgotten that childhood dream. Sending a kid into medical school is no joke. They were thinking that i was just joking when i dreamt to become a doctor. During this time, i was also fond of literature. Science was never in my extra curricular subjects. In short my parents were expecting that their eldest daughter shall end up in the field of computers or in journalism.

Everything changed though a few months before i graduated. We were applying for a college course in different universities. I had a lot of things to consider during those times before i selected the course that i would like to apply on. I had to consider my family's financial status. I had to consider what i really liked doing the most. Eventually, i applied for a Bachelor of Science in Biology. This started to give my parents some creeps. The childhood joke i had before was actually no joke. This decision too was no joke on my part. Twas a leap of faith, a dive into the impossibilities.

Okay, enough for such a long introduction. Now as a full-fledged doctor, am i already contented now that i have reached my childhood dream? Little did i know that everything doesnt just stop here. A doctor has a lot of opportunities to choose from. I could choose from being an academician, a specialist, a scientist, a researcher, an administrator. Whew! When i was a kid i thought that a doctor only treats the sick!

Currently in my residency training, i was exposed to the different fields of my profession. As an academician, we have interns to teach and train. We too are required to submit a research before we graduate. Tasked to lead the renegades too, i was expected to represent our chairman in his absence and the department in different administrative works and meetings. One i just attended today.

I once again witnessed another fellowship of the phonies. This time, i shall name it Fellowship of Morons. Oh, Fellowship of the Imbecile is i guess more appropriate. The word may be offensive but who in his right and mature mind be thinking of just himself and his interests? Between a 3-year old kid and a 60-year old doctor, i would expect a 3-year old would. What word would be more appropriate if it would be the other way around?

The fellowship is composed of administrators who have personal issues among themselves who placed the hospital and its patients in jeopardy because of their conflicts. I finally knew why the hospital supplies were not replenished. Why a lot of infrastructures were unfinished. Why those people in the position fight for the "throne". I now know what it takes to become an administrator. Along with the responsibility of running the hospital and its people, the administrator too has the option to be good or to be corrupt. What with the millions of pesos budget? What with the different opportunities to acquire wealth? From biddings of medicines and supplies to infrastructures, the hospital is a good venue to become a secret millionaire!

My narcoplesy attacks didnt occur the whole time i was idle, sitting and listening to the meeting in one corner. The topic got me interested. Here we are, trying to settle a conflict that actually might have arose from personal interests. An administrator who wanted the "throne" but was not given the chance, mudslinging the one on the "throne" just so to dethrone him. Both have accumulated followers and allies and they were all gathered in that conference room. Yet in the wards are our patients who are dying. Doctors and nurses who are trying their best to perform their duties to their patients yet remain to be exploited. Their work and their lives were compromised because of these imbecile's greed and selfishness.

As a renegade, i couldnt help but think of "happy thoughts". A bomb exploding inside the conference room would be enough to exterminate them. Nah. Bad idea. There are some good people in the room. It would be difficult to let them out first leaving the imbeciles behind before the bomb gets detonated. How about a poison to be included in the food that are served to them? I observed that they were given a different set of sandwiches and fruit juice. The tetra-pack 3-peso worth of juice were served to us and yet they received those in cans! Ooops, self, dont forget, you are just a mere resident yet. Let that pass. Now back to the poison, hmmm, this would be a messy job. I dont want to be exposed to these imbeciles vomitus. Ewww!

While i was having these thoughts running into my mind, i finally found my purpose. These people have masters in public administration. Why the inefficiency then? Why the corrupt practices? Why those mudslingings? After residency training, i shall train into subspecialization. I just hope my chairman doesnt read this. Neurology may not be for me. I am not taking the diplomate exam. After that meeting, i finally realized that i too shall pursue further studies in public administration. Then i shall train into another sub sub specialization. Aside from an MD, MPA after my name, i shall add another: MPAE...Master in Public Administrators' EXTERMINATION. Maybe by this time, i could think of a better way to clean up these "mess".

My Greatest Wish

Been absent from the blogosphere for quite some time. Have to rest my eyes and keep them away from the lcd display in front of me. You see, i acquired this corneal scar that according to the ophthalmologist i consulted to was a contact lens-induced corneal hypoxia. A what? Oh, well, whatever. I had a corneal scar and it stings like hell! That's all.

How did i get this? I dont know. All i can remember is that a little more than a week ago i went swimming in a beach without removing my cl's. Great! Dont add insult to my injury. I know. I know. Shouldnt have done it. Already heard a homily from my optometrist so im already aware where i did wrong. I felt nothing unusual after it though. Really. Even if you'll accuse me of rationalizing again. Will it take this long before i manifest my symptom if the culprit was really that swimming incident? The only significant event that i could remember prior to this was that i failed to remove my lenses before i went to sleep. Nah! Rephrase it. Before i FELL asleep. Meaning, i slept without any intention of sleeping. That's why i failed to remove my lenses. Got it? Good. In short, i woke up the next day with teary eyes - only my right eye to be specific. Aside from it, there's this foreign body sensation that stings like hell. Alright, im being redundant. Mentioned this description already from the previous paragraph. What can i do? I ran out of words and it's the most appropriate description for it. One other thing. Can i point Sandman as the culprit? Watched Spiderman 3 the night before. You know how it feels when a sand gets into your eyes, right? Sheesh! Why didnt i think about this when i went to my optometrist?

I'm now back to my geeky look. Have to suffer the inconvenience of wearing those specs. What i just cant take however is not the specs per se. I cant take what other people's impression of me when im in my specs. People's first impression about me would be that im a wide-reader, intelligent and a "goody-goody". I could take the first two for they are quite true (subtext: wide-reader - meaning i could read a wide array of reading materials...from comics to magazines to journals to blogs, and ok, textbooks. About being intelligent, hmmm, i was born as one i guess.....i need a barf bag!) but the latter, im having doubts if i am good myself. This blog knows how wicked i could get sometimes.

After wearing these specs for several days and after being held up by my ophthalmologist and optometrist for the topical antibiotics and pain-relievers and a new pair of specs, respectively, i came up with my one greatest wish. I just wish that i'll have my 20/20 vision back. You know without those astigmatism that according to my opto was very complicated. Blame my parents. They sent me to a medical school and who passes medical school without reading? Seriously, I should have heeded mom when she warned me not read while lying when i was a student. Well, actually i wasnt. Really! For during those times when mom would find me lying, im already sleeping. If i would be reading while lying, this is already a prelude to my visit to dreamworld and that would be just for a very short duration. Im rationalizing again! Ok, so as my wish will be granted, i admit that i was reading while lying. What's worse, my favorite position would be lying at the side of the bed, on my tummy, with the book on the floor. If you cant figure it out, never mind.

Oh dear fairy godmother, bring back my good vision. I know that it would take me tens of thousands of pesos for a lasik surgery but if i ask from you dear fairy, will a tooth be okay? I'm just a poor resident physician in a government hospital. You know how we are being paid. I'll trade my wisdom tooth if you like. Even all of four them - for a 20/20 vision. Pleeeeease?=P

Not When I'm Sleep-deprived

I was just starting to visit dreamworld at 6 o'clock in the morning when i received a referral that one of our patients at the private room arrested. Have to pull my consciousness out of this dreamed, dreamworld of mine just so i could attend to that patient.

He was the father of one of the employees of this hospital. In short, it's such a big deal once the resident on duty fails or would be late in attending to the patient. I came to his room right after i received the referral from the nurse. My spirit still tailing behind me. It might have just reunited with my body when i was already performing CPR.

The employee wasnt around when the event happened. The ones left were her sisters. They were afraid of her or maybe afraid to be blamed of the patient's sudden death. Thus, i have to perform the CPR for about 30 minutes. Gave her more time to digest and to accept what was happening when she came to the room, before i pronounce her father's demise. That was unexpected actually. They were expecting to be home today. Not the patient going home to heaven, alone.

She was in denial. Guilty at the same time for failing to attend to her father's needs the night before this unexpected event occurred. She was requesting her father to be back to life and to live another week more. Sheesh! She was calling his spirit to go back to his now, cold body. Good thing my spirit's now reunited with my body when this happened or else, a mixed up might have happened. My spirit inside this patient's dying body, and an old man's spirit inside a toxic resident's body who was disturbed from visiting dreamworld. Haha! I'm becoming spiritual! Only happens when im sleep-deprived.

After this "spiritual" experience, i went down to the wards. Have to give the outgoing nurse on duty a little piece of my mind. He failed to check on the progress of his patient's chemotherapy. He sort of committed a blunder. He denies though that he was at fault. I asked him to submit an incident report to explain himself.

While talking with him, one of our patient's folks created a commotion. He was shouting at the alley asking who poked his daughter's mouth and losing some of her incisors in the process. I realized that he was the father of the patient i intubated earlier. I asked the nurse to bring him to the station where i am seated. I wanted to talk to him in order to explain his patient's condition. He was hysterical to the point that he asked me to leave my seat in order for me to see his patient. He seemed to be blaming me for what ive done. What i did was a life saving measure. Noone has the right to question it.

I did not leave my seat. Instead, i asked him to come to me and to sit in front of me if he wanted some confrontations. Uh-oh! Dont provoke me when im sleep-deprived. I'm a graceful woman but never when im provoked. My voice was as high as my left eyebrow and i was seated higher than he is. He, seating on the monoblock chair and i, seated on the station counter. Look who's taller now? I just dont want to appear like David facing Goliath. He was kinda big you know? Well, it's just a matter of strategic positioning if you want to win.

Heck! I'd rather be sleepless because of a lot of admissions but never because of some altercations. My energy consumption increases and my tolerance level to its lowest threshold when im subjected to arguments much more in a sleep-deprived mode. If in case arguments arent avoided, just dont let it happen when im sleep-deprived for i'd rather wish ill talk to you in my sleep.

I Need Another Year

It's already 2:30 am and i just came back from the wards. Just got done intubating a patient who's lying on a folding bed. Despite my petite stature, twas difficult for me to intubate the patient in a kneeling position. Have to assume an "indian sit" so that i could visualize the hole i was about to poke with an endotracheal tube. Great! Just when im fresh from a bath, i have to sit on the ward's filthy floor and be exposed again to whatever droplets or secretions that the patient has.

That was quite a difficult intubation for me. One, the laryngoscope's blade was short. The epiglottis was waving at me from a distance. Second, the patient's folding bed was too low that i have to position myself in a way that i could visualize my field. Third, the patient was combative. She was hypoxemic and restless. I have to use diazepam twice to calm her down. As a consequence, some of her incisors were lost in the process. She kept on biting my blade. Good thing, not my fingers.

So basically, everything that has happened drained my energy. Here i am, already a senior resident, still wide awake, feeling sticky and icky at 3 o'clock in the morning. Nuh-uh! I'm not complaining about my job. I'm used to this kind of life. What im just trying to say here is that, granting the department shall consider this term as my last year, i still havent proven something. I guess i still need another year in order to prove to myself that heck, my resident before was really right.

You see, when i was intern, i was already toxic. My resident would usually leave me at the emergency room and i get to admit patients on my own. Maybe they trusted me enough. Sheesh they just dont know how agonizing that was being left all alone at the ER. On the brighter side, i tend to become more independent and my decision making skill was developed. As a bonus, my resident also gets a good night sleep.

In short, this thing that i wanted to prove before i leave this institution is the fact that when i was an intern, my resident assured me that i too could rest like him when i become a resident. He was just first year then. As for me, after 3 looooong years, the rest that he assured me still didnt happen. To think that im already in my senior year. Darn! Am i just soooo toxic that even in my senior year i still am awake at this wee hour of the morning? Can i just for once experience a straight-flat-on-bed sleep from 12midnight to 7 am on a 24-hour duty? Can I? Puh-leaze...whoever you are who's in control of our admissions?

Goodness! Toxicity has eaten me whole. I need to have my sanity checked. Or maybe sleep's now starting to overpower me. Im outta here!

The Resident Boarder

It's labor day and definitely, it's a holiday. I was never out of the hospital though until a little before 5pm when my whole family fetched me from work. They came from an out of town trip to my father's place. I was just informed that they're going out of town just this morning when my mom texted me if i wanted to be fetched from the hospital before lunch. I was preoccupied with work though. Had no choice but to decline and to tell her that i cant make it with them.

Eversince i started training, this has been the set up at home. I was like a boarder who comes in and out of the house. Be out every three days for a 24-hour duty, be home wasted as from duty and the only time i'm conversant is when i'm in an on call status. Good thing my family understands the kind of life that i chose. At least my mom would be kind enough to ask me no longer if ill be coming to a family affair. It's given. I'm always at the hospital and i cant make it. My family on the other hand were made to think that i still am away from home just like when i was in medical school.

Sheesh i sound sooooo pathetic! Must be my PMS again. This post's crappy too. I just didnt have enough sleep. Alright i slept the whole afternoon and just woke up actually but it's different if you have had an uninterrupted goodnight sleep in your bed. The only time i was awake this afternoon was when i received text messages. Which reminds me, havent replied yet even to just one.

Well, here are some pics that i took when our department went out of town for the weekend to make up for this crap. After three long years in the department, we were out of the hospital. All of us! I realized that this kind of weather that we have has its benefits too. If not for this hell-like weather, our boss might not have decided to leave the city.Tee-hee!

A Tradition of Pfffft

WARNING: Negative, Crappy, Very emotional Post Ahead. Skipping this junk is good for your health.

Also, i intended not to use the exact names for several reasons: 1. once someone googles the keywords, this blog might be discovered 2. for security reasons - i didnt name names here. Someone has to use his or her neurons in order to figure out who im referring to. In short, if you'll react to this crap then you're guilty.

***

I have yet to see a hospital where the "captain of the ship" in every surgical procedure is the "pain-free department". This crap hospital however where i am in is truly one of a kind. The supposed to be captain of the ship who are the "cut-me-up" quacks are the kind who cant stand up for themselves. As for the risks of the operations, the last word always comes from the pain-free department. Oooops, i'm mistaken. I would like to correct myself. The last word comes from us. Our cp evaluations are the ones that determine the success or morbidity of the surgical procedure.

I shall lay down my premises to support such claim:
1. Cardio-pulmonary evaluations is not automatic for an above 40 years old patient with no medical problem. Why is it that we still accept referrals for evaluation once the patient is >40 years old? Should there be any electrolyte problem, then it's not a CP evaluation anymore. Take note too that the bible of the "cut-me-up" quacks has a chapter on fluids and electrolytes. They're supposed to be capable of managing any electrolyte problem of their patients.

What happens here is that the pain-free department shall suggest cp evaluation prior to a proposed procedure. What the hell are we going to evaluate in the pulmonary and cardiac aspects? The only laboratories that we request are CBC, ECG and CXRAY for a CP evaluation. Can you find any electrolyte examination there?

The supposed to be captains however are unfortunately chickens. Once the pain-free department would hold the or first for a cp evaluation prior to it, the cut-me-up quacks recede and follow blindly. They cant stand for themselves or for their patients. Speaking of lack of confidence to one's self. If the patient needs an immediate operation, why the hell wait for an evaluation from us? Will our evaluation change the prognosis of your patients? Should i give a high risk evaluation, will you defer the procedure? What i would like to emphasize here is that the success of your procedure doesnt lie in our cp evaluations. If you arent skilled enough to pull your patients out of the hell that they are in, then dont use our cp evaluations as your scape goat once you screw up.

2. If you're going to deny the truthfulness of the one mentioned above, then why the hell are you looking for all reasons just so to refer your patient for evaluation? A patient without any medical problem so long as he or she is more than 40 years old suddenly has hypertension or pneumonia. A normal ecg suddenly becomes abnormal.

Why am i ranting about this? It's not because i hate to accept referrals. Heck! Been toxic all my life and i'm used to receiving a lot of referrals. What i just can accept is the fact on how the supposed to be egoistic, thinking-they're-all-knowing cut-me-up quacks chicken out. Is it just to avoid conflicts with the pain-free department? Sheesh! If this is the reason then let me define it as rather plain and simply apathy topped with a cream of insecurity.

So long as noone moves to stop this tradition, so shall the pain-free department continue to rule over them. A lot of referrals become unnecessary. I hate to say this but i am tempted to think that we are the best residents in this crap institution. Why will our evaluations matter much if we arent? Why cant a procedure push through without a word from us? I just hope we'll stop all these craps. We all are under training. We too arent as good as you think we are. What separates us though from the rest is that we know how to stand on our ground for our patients' sake. We know how to mask our lack of confidence and we too know how to make up for it. In short we dont let it obvious how stupid we could get sometimes just like what you guys are doing.

Now, just so you'll feel better before i end this blog, ive got a secret to reveal here. When you call us for an intraop referral, you guys feel so confident that we are around. Without your knowing, we too almost goes into cardiac dysrrhythmia with the patient. So the next time around that ill be asking for diazepam, ask me first on who's going to have it first. The patient or Me?

Pest Control

As the appointed "elder" of the six renegades of the department, i am always called to the office of the chief of clinics for meetings. While waiting for the other "elders", i seated myself at the meeting table. In front of me were different letters from different offices addressed to the chief of clinics. I didnt care about those letters except for this draft that's staring at me. The one who wrote it must have taken the seat i was currently occupying.

We'll be having a graduation for the hospital interns this upcoming week. As a tradition, the interns' graduation is held in a hotel. For this year, due to lack of budget (which almost always is the case), the current interns shall graduate at the hospital hall instead. It is nice to note that this month, the hospital fed almost all of its employees during the blessing of a new infrastructure in the compound. That budget was supposed to be alloted for the interns' graduation - as the hospital "buzzers" would say.

Heck i dont care where they'll be holding the graduation. I dont even care where they took the money for the activity i previously mentioned. The gist of this blog is that finally, the interns shall graduate in a hotel. A budget was requested. The draft that i saw in front of me was the budget proposal for the said activity. It contained the exact date, time and venue of the said graduation. What bothered me the most however, which even gave me doubts if i'll be attending was this heading:

ACTIVITY:
Environmental Sanitation and Pests and Rodents Control Seminar

No wonder the rats here in our wards are as big as the cats that roam around here and that the sanitation is very apt for a hospital in a 3rd world country.

I wouldnt be surprised too why the pests and rodents here became administrators and employees.

A Business Proposal

I have a business proposal.

Working here in this crap hospital isnt just tiring. Aside from our delayed salary, numerous admissions, toxic patients and folks, i too have to adjust to different personalities. From the patients to their folks, to the nurse and helpers, to a colleague, a superior, to the hospital administrators, these are the people i have to deal with everyday. Good thing if these people have had a good childhood but majority of them i guess didnt have one. In short, my toxic life in this institution becomes all the more toxic and consuming because of them. I really dont mind going on 24 hours duty even if it's every other day. Not even the toxic admissions, both in quantity and quality. Physically, i still could sustain them. What really consumes me are the negative people that surround me. They really are energy sucking creatures who have the capacity to leave you limp like a veggie.

This is the impetus of my business proposal. I know that this will not just give me an additional source of income just so to augment my always delayed salary. With this proposal, i believe that i could help make this world a better place to live in - speaking of civic responsibility, eh.

I have no units in business nor am i well-versed with business proceedings. I shall present my proposal the "best-est" way possible, from a physician's point of view.

PRODUCT: Attention

Nopes! Not a typographical error. Yep! I'll be selling ATTENTION (a-ten-sh'n). Otherwise defined as notice or interest, better yet, appropriate treatment. I grew up with an analytical mind. Not in a mathematical way of analysis (i hate math!). Analytical in a way that i tend to analyze why a certain thing or person acts in a way. In short, when someone tends to piss me off, my mind automatically analyzes the action and the person. Why is he behaving like an a--hole? Why is she such a b*tch? When you tend to share with a piece of my mind, then it only meant one thing - after all my analyzations, i have all the reasons to snap out on you.

I began to hypothesize that those people who are difficult to deal with and those people who really get into my nerves are lacking of one thing - ATTENTION. These are the people who i guess grew up to be neglected children. If they arent, then maybe they simply were lacking in attention, were attention-seekers or worse, gifted with an attention deficit disorder. If they were showered with such when they were growing up, then they wouldnt tend to draw all attention unto themselves as adults. In whatever way possible, if they were deprived of attention as a child, they will try to shift the limelight unto themselves. They may grow up as egoistic, self-absorbed, or power-tripper kind. This brings me then to the target population of my product.

TARGET POPULATION:
Government employees specifically:
a. hospital administrators who are too preoccupied with "throne-grabbing", experts in mudslinging and corruption - they shall avail a 50% discount off from my product if they are eligible and i could even give it to them for free if they would admit that they are guilty of either of the aforementioned traits.

b. doctors/nurses/employees who are loud, irrational, unjust, immature, insecure and inefficient. Discounts shall be given depending on their salary grade. Again, the product will be given for free if they admit guilt for either of the above-mentioned characteristic.

c. politicans who have the "Star-complex", are "incoming corruptibles", who are experts in giving promises with subspecializations in breaking them. No discounts shall be given unless they already are in the position and are currently keeping a fraction of our national budget in their personal bank accounts. For the latter, this product shall also be given for free.

HOW AM I GOING TO SELL THE PRODUCT?
I shall sell the product in two ways depending on the client's personality. If he has some trace of autism or those who are comfortable being alone, i shall offer it in a small room. Its walls are all lined with mirror. Mirrors that only reflect the goodness in one's person. Yep! I believe that there's something good in everyone. Hell yeah! Even if he's as calloused and as unethical as someone i know (tee-hee!). He'll be seeing himself, all good and perfect until his eyes pop out. All his imperfections shall be hidden from him. Everyday, someone, an authority figure, his parent or child, spouse or special someone, shall talk with him, feeding him with all the positive words he'll expect to hear until his ears bleed to death. His every action shall be noticed even the way he picks his nose.

As for those with star complex, I shall sell my product in a bigger venue. A football field, a concert hall or a coliseum. I need to fill it with people with my client standing at the center with all the lights focused on him until he scorches to death. I will let him talk to the crowd and allow him to pour his heart out. Praise himself, divulge his assets, brag his achievements, yadda, yadda, yadda. The crowd on the other hand shall do nothing but to clap and praise him complete with wooohooots and hurrays! The catch, aside from the microphone he's holding, he shall wear a pair of earphones amplifying the sound of the crowd until his eardrums would give up and get broken.

In such way, who the hell shall be wanting for more attention?

BUSINESS PREDICTION:
My business shall have its boom upon its introduction. All people from all walks of life shall try his or her best to acquire my product. Parents who couldnt give enough attention to their children shall purchase it to cover up for their deficiencies. Governments shall buy my franchise for its employees and schools shall buy some rights to include this in their curriculum.

I could see my business falling off however after a few years or even months. The time when people would realize how difficult it is to draw too much attention to one's self. When people would feel so uncomfortable having all the attention to themselves. When people would realize how good it is to work unnoticed and on how gratifying it is to be recognized for an extra mile he's extended. In fact, some would even get even by giving attention to others. In such way, noone shall be wanting.

My business shall then close but then again, i already gained profit from it and i have made this world a better place to live in.

THE END.

Sick...Weather Sick

I'm on a weekend off. Nah! Dont be too excited for me. I still have to report to the hospital, make rounds with my patients and supervise my junior . The off doesnt mean i'm totally OUT of the hospital. It's just that i was off from a 24-hr duty. It's been 3 years that i havent experienced being off from the hospital even for just a day. Except of course when i went on a force leave. That whole week away from the hospital was like heaven to me. Away from the sick and the dying, not exposed to the beasts of the jungle and of course far from the crap hospital that makes me sick.

Fact is, im feeling sick. It's a subjective feeling alright. Physically, im afebrile and it's just the weather that raises my temperature to a febrile state. A 36 degrees on the thermometer? Heck it feels like 38! I dont feel like getting out of the car. I dont want to leave an airconditioned room. I dont even want to get out of the water when im already in the tub. Sheesh! I guess this supports my claim that i really am a mermaid! Aside of course from the fact that i love the beach, i dont eat big fishes (blue marlin, etc), and did i say i love the beach?

Emotionally, im not having any hang ups and finally, noone's stirring up my peace. I just want to feel sick maybe? I wanted to call in sick tomorrow for my duty. I dont feel like moving a limb. I just wanted to lie down on my bed and sleep the whole day. Or sit on my chair in front of this panel and blog or chat all day. I dont want to see sick people. I dont want to pronounce a death. I dont want to smell the hospital. I dont want to hear an ambulance coming.

Whew! Sometimes, this kind of weather dries up the csf that bathes my brain. I didnt realize that this humidity could cause such behavioral changes. I was feeling ok with my work this morning and why this sudden change of mood? It's hot! It's humid! Take note it's nighttime but it still feels like the sun is still up. The aircon's not enough. I feel like cramping myself inside the freezer. If only Alaska's just a few minutes away.=(

Aaaaargh! This calls for a bubble bath!

Ey mom! Can i sleep in the tub?

Cut the Crap

It's the 20th of the month and tomorrow's supposed to be the 21st. The third pay week. However, twas just yesterday when our salary was released. This should have been given out on the 14th or the 15th of the month. In other words, since tomorrow's a weekend, we'll have to wait for next week for another week of pay. By that time, it would be the 23rd already. Another 2 days of delay in our week's pay.

Hearing me talk about this thing would definitely make you suspect of my dire need for money. In fact, I am single, living with my parents, and have not one dependent. Where in the world will i be using my money then? Why the hell am i so concerned with our delayed salary? A delay of 3 or 4 days wouldnt be a big deal at all actually. Why am i ranting about it then?

This post isnt about myself at all. Fact is, I survived my 1st 3 months of work in this hospital - unpaid. Which reminds me...where did that money, (of almost 3 months) for the said item i applied to, go when it was not granted to me? Fortunately, my parents were patient enough to provide for my daily allowance. They might have programmed themselves that i'll be having a prolonged adolescence. Heard not one complain when after the boards, i still was asking baon from them despite of being employed. Goodness! I am one lucky soul.

As for this blog? This is for the manongs and manangs who work in this hospital. This is for the nurses and the helpers. The silent majority who receive only a fraction of my salary. Those who raise 4 kids the least, all of which are studying. Those who are already buried in loans and debts before the payday. Those who have no other option but to borrow money from the "collector's guild" that gives them an interest of as high as 20%. Imagine how a 3 or 4 days of delay would affect them. By payday, their money will just pass by their hands for it'll end up with the "vulture's" who are already waiting outside of the cashier's building. I even witnessed one helper who have six kids, one of which was very sick (now dead), receiving just a hundred pesos for a week's claim because of a lot of deductions. On the contratry, I received more than 20x of what he'd got. I was taken aback.

This delay in our monthly salary distributions has been happening in this institution eversince. What's the problem with those who prepare the payroll? Isnt the payroll just their only concern? What's happening to the money that's supposedly be given out on time if not for the delay in the release of the payroll? Is it true that some people benefit from it? That some people gain bank interests out of it? This is quite a sensitive topic to talk about in this venue however. I too dont have enough data to validate this story. What i am more concerned now is the job performance of every employee of this crap hospital. If the helpers or nurses are reprimanded for a poor performance, why arent those who are responsible for the payroll berated for a delayed payday? If the doctors and nurses who are more harrassed here (i'm speaking not because i am one of them), are strictly monitored for their work, why are those people in the payroll left on their own?

This place really is full of crap. I can count with my fingers, and toes included, the number of people who work efficiently well here. If i am only given the power to exterminate...err i mean terminate those who arent useful in the government, i shall start in this institution. I realized that it isnt just our patients who are exploited here. The helpers, nurses and doctors included should also be in the list. But really, speaking of extermination, a former colleague and i had plans for mass annihilation - Schindler's list movie inspired.

What can i do however? For four years here, i have started to develop my horns. This gave me the confidence to attack anybody who have done me wrong. I am no vigilante though. I am just a mere resident. Someone who's temporary and who's not going to stay. Besides, this former colleague of mine already left this place. Half of the plan was with him. Also, should i lead the complain alone, i could see noone behind my back. I could picture out myself in front of the pack with one arm raised, clenched fist, shouting for an injustice - ALL ALONE. The pack, silent, only looking at me, unconcerned, appreciating my best actress performance...woohoot!

I realized that these people whom i am representing are quite adjusted to this kind of system already. If not, someone must have lead the pack a long time ago to correct this inefficiency. These people were here for years. I have been here for just 4 years - not even qualified to apply for a longetivity claim. What the crap am i ranting about here then? I, fighting for an injustice yet the aggrieved party remained to be apathetic? What is there to fight for? For whom will i be fighting for? For their family? For their kids? Heck! They cant even fight for themselves.

Oh self, cut the crap! Back to your autistic mode. It's more peaceful when you're in your own world.

Thank You

If you're a regular reader of this crap...err i mean blog, you might notice this button at the bottom of this page.


If you have no idea what this is, i installed this thing to keep track of those who get to read my posts. If you'll be asking me for reasons why? I too dont know why. I just happen to hop into one friend's blogsite and found this link. Might as well have this one too in my own site, so i thought. Actually, i became amazed by my visitors when i started to check on my sitemeter. People from the us, canada (shawcable communications? do i know you? =p), middle east, australia, and my beloved philippines became my regular visitors. I dont even have any idea of who you are guys. All i can see in my sitemeter are your domain names and location.

Anyhow just some warning. This blogsite isnt meant to entertain you or to let you feel good in anyway for this is actually my trash bin. Some negative thoughts or energies that arent meant to be shared with the people around me are all poured here. If by some fate however that you were brought here, my apologies. I am in no way deliberately destroying your peace of mind. I have no intentions to dishearten you or to dampen your spirits. What you can read here are products of human emotions. Of course, i am trying to be humorous sometimes. Hell, humor is my most mature coping mechanism, i cant live without it.

After this very long introduction, what am i just trying to say is that, thanks for dropping by.

You guys are my counselors. In your silence, you share with my deepest emotion.

An Old Commitment

I was transferring my stuffs into a new wallet (a long overdue christmas and birthday gift from my sister), when i came across these two, almost worn out pieces of paper. Been changing wallet for years yet these two pieces of paper never left my wallet. For me, they're more important than the credit or atm cards and id's or license that i own. These papers are worn out yet these papers continue to inspire me.

The first one was an old newspaper clipping. It's a poem that inspired me to keep on doing what i have already started. Tore it from my Sunday newspaper. When i was an intern, i attended 6am masses at the school chapel. I would usually drop by a newspaper stand and buy the Sunday papers after it. The column of Dero Pedero kept me glued. It contained mostly glimpse and inspirations on human life. This clipping was taken from a newspaper that was dated 5 years ago. I guess this is not just worth keeping. It's meant to be shared too. Let me direct you to a blog i made a few years ago...on ANYWAY.

Lastly, the second paper was more of a commitment i've made before i started my junior internship. This would be the first time that i'll be revealing what that is. A commitment that i held on to even until now that i'm already in my residency training. Dated March 20, 2002, i could count five years from the time i wrote it. It's a commitment that actually helped me through the toxicities of medical life. A commitment that made my life a little bit easier and more tolerable unlike if i have none.

You can read what that commitment was on the picture above and I might be sounding so saintly there. Rereading it right now makes me puke. I didnt realize how idealistic and martyr i was. Or maybe, the institution that im currently working in, created some hardened areas in my heart for me to react this way upon reading it.

Who wouldnt feel hardened when after you have invested your all, from your time, effort, knowledge and skills, and even emotions, this crap hospital gives you nothing in return but headache? You would always feel uncompensated for a hard labor. You would always feel disappointed to the administration. You would always feel disheartened for your patients. You will always be battered by every 24-hour duty. Yep! To the point that you'll sometimes forget about your family, your friends, your own self. Only to realize at the end of the day that heck! there's life outside of this crap hospital. There are people around me other than my patients and these beasts in this jungle where i am currently in. Despite all of these, why do i still prefer to be here? Am i just being stupid? Am i running for a place in heaven?

When i opened this piece of paper, i realized what kept me going. I was reminded of a commitment ive made five years ago. I realized that i didnt just keep it inside my wallet. I internalized it, i lived with it. Maybe, this institution didnt change me after all. If i did change, i might be just a little wiser or more mature. Braver maybe. More concerned with others especially with the patients that i am more responsible to.

Heck! After all these years, I realized that I still am a martyr after all!

I need a dose of Kytril! Something inside my mouth regurgitates.

Indebted

A few days ago, i was surprised by the batch of junior interns who have just graduated. I know that a number of them could read this entry. Anyhow, let this be a venue to thank them too.

I need not mention what happened, but it was really my honor to have attended their graduation ball. I feel so indebted to them for several reasons. First, i was made to realize that an ordinary gesture for me would be extraordinary for others. I was just doing what i was expected to do and to be recognized for such was quite a big deal for me. I am used to receiving expressions of gratitude from others. Been serving a government-ran institution for almost 4 years. Being thanked at however to the point that it made me feel that someone owes me something is a different story. It becomes a responsibility for me...something that i have to live up to.

Second, i was exposed to a group of interns who i guess stands out above their peers. Future doctors who would change the medical practice here in town. I've worked with them for a year and another year for some of them. I've seen them in their high's and low's and ive witnessed how they treated their patients. Majority of them have a heart for service. This made them different from the rest. As one of their resident's who wouldnt be honored to have worked with them?

Well, to those of you who could read this, i just would like to thank you too. It is not just you who are indebted to me, but i owe you guys a lot too. You were instruments on how i could give back to my alma mater its goodness to me. More like a "paying it forward" thingie. I just hope that when you become residents too in the future, you'll always put in mind what makes you different among others. I dont want to sound so patriotic here, but i guess our alma mater has embedded in us something that makes us different. Remember that you'll become doctors too. Doctors who are best in your field and with a heart.

Deviant

here's something deviant from the context of this blog...since it's my day today, i tried this thing out...you know for self-review. to my surprise, it speaks a lot about me...around 99% of the time maybe...hehe

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Inspired

Enough has been said. What must happen has happened. Everything happens for a purpose so they say. Need not immortalize though what i currently feel in this blog. All i wanted to do right now is to document what i would like to happen in my life after what has happened. After im done with this training, im going to train into subspecialization. I'll become a damn good NEUROLOGIST in town. Someone who doesnt just heal patients but inspires residents and interns as well. Someone who is not just good in her field but also someone with ethics.

Why the sudden change of plans?

A NEUROLOGIST "inspired" and challenged me to become one.

AAAAARGH

Not a typographical error. I'm toxic and ive been wanting to shout...loud...REEEEEALY LOUDDD!!!


AAAAAAARGH!!!

ok now, self, back to work!

Sooo Phony Too

What the hell's wrong with this crap hospital? Hmmm, almost everything? My latest post was an expression on how i abhor phony people. It was also an expression on how i sympathize with our patients. Yep! For being exploited.

Recently, my tolerance level to "phonicity" (if there is such a word in the dictionary), was once again tested. Our patients at the OPD were chosen as beneficiaries of food supplements by a civic group. I am not against any civic groups or organization. It's just that i couldnt take those photo ops. The patients benefit from those donations but to pose in front of the camera and let other people know that you have helped somebody is just like a bitter pill for me to swallow. Isnt it enough that you have made one life a bit better by your help? Isnt it enough that you've heard those thank you's and you felt appreciation from them?

I really wanted to puke witnessing the group having their pictures taken with our patients. One of them even commented to have the picturetaking inside the airconditioned room for it was humid outside. She was right. If they stayed a little longer at the receiving area, they could have melted in their makeups and their "unmovable" hair do's might be windblown. What's even funny was that they didnt even distribute the donations to the patients. After the picture taking, they immediately left. Too bad, it could have been better if they had their pictures taken while giving out those donations. These shots would surely pass the Philippines' phoniest pictures.

I was starting to swallow something that regurgitates inside my mouth. Forgot to inject myself with an anti-emetic before i met them. Gaaaad! Why do they have to do that? For documentation purposes? So why not take pictures of just the beneficiaries instead? Oooops, im sorry, i just dont love to pose in front of the camera. In short, i couldnt require other people not to pose in front of the camera too.

Before they left, the group invited us to join them. "We're all women," according to one of them. I managed to put on my not so sincere smile. In my mind, "Oh ma'am, my pleasure. I'll be joining your group once i'll be immune to all of these. Two more years in this crap hospital and i might be able to stomach all these phoniness." In summary, what i'm just trying to say is that..."Come on! It's the 3rd millineum, Pharisees were already outdated!"

Soooo Phony

This morning we filled the wards again to the alleys. We had just 16 admissions but we already have a can-of-sardine-like ward set-up. You barely can recognize a patient from his/her folks for most of them are seated or lying in one bed...or cardboard box. You barely can identify a nurse or a doctor from the patients' folks for it seems like one patient would have a barangay of visitors.While having our rounds with my junior, i noticed one creature who stood out from the crowd. Taaadaaan! Wearing his signature blue barong, he was interviewing a patient lying at the alley. Wooohooot! The one seated on the throne...the one who head this crap hospital came down from his comfort zone and interacted with a patient at the wards! What the hell's going on? I was thinking maybe i could be just dreaming. You know, i'm from duty and i couldnt help but be out of my consciousness, visiting dreamworld from time to time.

No, but no. I was wide awake. My junior and I looked at each other as if talking in the same wavelength. Suddenly, a blinding light shone upon our eyes. Could this be transfiguration? Crap! A camera lens faces our direction. Oh well, kaya pala! Phooooooony! He came down from his throne to meet the patients lying at the alley...to be documented. I wanted to puke!
I dont know the reason behind those video takes. I dont even know what his motive was. I just would like to appeal to his senses. Chief, oh chief, i just hope you're not using our patients again for your own advantage. These people have nothing left, not even their dignity. Why do you have to use them? If you're showing what your work as an administrator is, better stay in your own office. Even if you're acting in front of that camera that you are interacting with our patients, you cant deny that that camera too could see your deficiencies. No beds, crowded, filthy ward, dilapidated infrastructure, harassed ambubags, empty emergency cart...these are supposed to be what you must be concerned about. Taking care of the patients is our primary concern as attending physicians. Taking care of the needs of the hospital and its people is what your job order requires. So why act in front of the camera and show what you arent expected to do?

Holy crap! I couldnt just imagine how i could stand these phony people around me. I feel for these patients of mine. Well, well, i just have to console myself that anyway, it is us who interact with our patients everyday. Sincere to serve. Unselfish with our motives. One more self-praise and i'll be sounding soooo phony too. Anyhow, what im just trying to drive at is that we are the ones who interact with the patients and we are the ones who are constantly scrutinized because of the deficiencies of the superior beings above us.

But life's like this...who said it's fair?

Life is Still Beautiful

Home...sleep...hammock...earphones...music...sunset...
cold breeze.

what more can i ask for?

Priceless

I'm just sooooo damn tired. That was one hell of a duty we had last night. Twenty six admissions? Hah! I'm used to having not less than 25 admissions but to admit 26 patients with more than half of them being soooo toxic, what can i say? Added to this would be the interdepartmental referrals i have to answer, helping my junior at the ER, and the ward referrals that never ceased...i definitely didnt forget to congratulate myself today.

Where in the world can you find a hospital that's good for only 82 patients now carrying more than a hundred? We actually had a new ward, the alley ward. I couldnt imagine how people sought admission in our hospital no matter how congested it may be. Yep! Even if they sleep on cardboard boxes. Ironic it may seem but the same hospital that most people scrutinize and feast upon with criticisms, would be the same hospital that would cater the majority of this province.

I survived that duty! I survived performing intubation and cpr on the floor. I literally sat on the floor just so i could intubate the patient. Goodness, i really couldnt help but be sorry for our current situation. We are like soldiers who went to war unarmed. The only thing that we have are our brains on top of our shoulders. I'm afraid that when these brains though would tire out, what will be left then with the crap hospital that we have?

Hail to the resident doctors and consultants of our crap hospital! Hail to the interns and nurses and workers who managed to survive here. Working in this institution is really unphysiologic. It's just that, there really are masochistic people who couldnt live outside of this hospital we are in. No matter how difficult life seems to be here, we still could manage to laugh things out. No matter how inhuman the conditions in the wards are, we all could survive a duty.

Heroes have monuments i believe. So long as this infrastructure still stands, this will represent the unsung heroes and survivors who are always criticized and discriminated. The heroes who never cease to serve. Working here is really damn tiring. The fulfillment that comes with it however - PRICELESS.

Believe

When i was a post graduate intern, my resident assured me that like him, i too will be able to lie flat on bed for several hours during a 24-hour duty. You see, he could sleep from 12am to 7 am, undisturbed. Save for my occasional referrals of toxic patients, he could stay in the on-call room until the sun rises.

I looked forward for that day that i too took up internal medicine as a specialization. To my dismay, in my 3rd year as a resident, i still havent experienced that straight-flat-on-bed-sleep-of-several-hours. I understand that being on a 24-hour duty would mean that i would be deprived of precious sleep, which is happening most of the time. What i cant understand however is that why cant i experience that longed rest of mine even for just one duty?

I was just born toxic. A magnet. A patient magnet that is. I rationalize.

Why am i toxic then when others arent? How come others could admit only a few patients during their duties when i on the other hand is flocked by admissions. Why cant people just stay in their homes for just one duty of mine?

I discovered that maybe God is answering my dad's prayer. During one of our dinners, the time when i would be complaining and whining about a toxic duty, he admitted that he was praying for patients to go to the hospital during my duty so that they could experience care from a good doctor. Complement from my own dad? Nuh-oh! I wished that he should have prayed that for once, his daughter would be more benign. I couldnt understand why he's praying for other people more than me.

He believed in my capacity. He relied on my values. I rationalize.

Now about how life could be so unfair about my toxicity, i discovered that no matter how toxic i could get from a 24-hour duty, i still could find myself laughing and smiling the next day. I still could afford to watch a movie or go malling with friends. I still could maintain my wakefulness until midnight on one of our videoke sessions. I still could attend dinners at home with my family. Of course, i still could afford to blog like what i'm doing right now. I realized that there was never a verrrrrrry toxic duty that i wasnt able to handle.

God believed in what i can do. This i just dont rationalize. I firmly believe.

Now who says i'm complaining about my toxicity?

The Fellowship of the Phonies

Call me a rebel, but a renegade would sound better. Maybe i also have a problem with authority figures. When someone older than i am acts in a way that he doesnt deserve my respect, then he definitely will not gain it. I may be submissive but i would be expressing my "rebellion" in a different way.

Today, i attended a meeting of the phonies. People who sound like they are thinking of the majority's greater good. People who acted optimistic but with questionable ulterior motives. Now that's from where this title of this post came from. For you see, i work in an institution that's full of phony people and this morning, they were all crowded in one place. If not for my two bosses, i could have contacted terrorist bombers to drop a bomb in the area. If these people were eliminated, then our place would be a very peaceful place to work in.

Why the hell must we plan for another building when in fact there are still a lot of unfinished projects that are now museums of mosses and weeds. Why the heck must we plan for a bigger building when what we need are work force? Who the hell shall make rounds in this 5-storey building when there are not a lot of plantilla items for residents? Or shall we say even items for new nurses? Hello there phony people...noone can live on volunteerism alone. People now work for bread for the spirit of volunteerism definitely will not sustain them...unless they would like to end up as spirits.

A bomb exploding in the meeting area was the best thing that i could think of. I was thinking that this would also wake, those dreaming creatures who are having a meeting, up. The explosion might bring them back to reality. The renegade in me wanted to really speak out this morning. I still remember my parents' reminder though. Respect your elders. Yep! Even if you feel that they are wrong. Alright, alright, i am an obedient daughter and my parents deserve my respect. I left the meeting place, excusing myself that i still have to make rounds. Leaving the area was my way of withdrawing myself from the stimulus that inflicted me pain and that was a wise idea. Not being able to speak out by the way didnt mean that those phony people gained my respect. I am just an obedient daughter.

Welcome to My World

Took these pics during one of my "autistic moments" at the icu. While seated at the station, couldnt help but play with my fone. Felt tired ordering in the charts... Intoxicated by my patients' cases... Overwhelmed by the chapters that im supposed to read. Drifted off from reality and visited my own little world. Here are what ive got.=P

Blame the Adults

Just got home from mass. I wasnt expecting that the supposed to be anticipated mass that i'm going to attend was also a mass celebrated for the feast of the Sto. Nino. Unexpectedly too, tykes, toddlers and even babies were all over the church. Oh, there's a blessing of children during the feast of the Sto. Nino I just realized.

I am easily disturbed by wailings or by children playing during mass. The supposed to be solemn ceremony was also equipped with laughter and crying. To may dismay too, i was seated at the back of three little demons who were tasked to destroy my solemnity. Oh, i didnt let them affect me. It's their day all right... better give allowance to their nuisances. These children know not much about church etiquette. Nor do they realize the essence of solemnity when attending a mass. They arent even aware that they are disturbing other people's peace like mine.

To whom am i pissed off then? To the adults who came with them. When i was young, i couldnt remember a time that i was unruly in church. What with my parents' reminder that we should behave when we are in a church. What with my mom's tiger-look when we would create a little noise when the ceremony's on-going. The accompanying adults that these children had were as if oblivious to what was happening around them. Good for them i think. They were able to concentrate in the ceremony. Not any one of them was able to let those little demons behave for not anyone of them asked them or reprimanded to.

I am not the children's parent. I was just a mere churchgoer who would have wished that i had the solemnity i wanted. I didnt mind the children either. I tried to concetrate in the mass but the old man in front of me, who had a cast on his left arm, caught my attention. Maybe feeling the same way that i did, he lost his patience. I witnessed him pushing one the children who passed by in front of him. What's worst? During communion, the children happened to be seated to where he was originally sitting. They all scrambled when he came back. One unlucky kid however seem to have blocked his way and off went his right leg as if kicking a football, in a subtle way of course. If only i could take a shot of what he did, i could have showed the pic to Bantay Bata.

Tsk tsk...how can these children know what's right from wrong when the adults around them dont teach them how. How can these children grow up to the character that we would want them to have when the adults around them arent even good role models? I pity those kids. It's their day. The homily even taught adults on how to treat them and on how to raise them. Yet those adults in front of me did the contrary. Ok, i'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. They too might have been disturbed by those kids' unruliness that they didnt hear the homily well at all. But boy, oh boy, they should have known this way way long before.

Oh well, im just a mere doctor, not a guidance counselor. I just hope that the next time around, i'll be granted the solemnity that i wanted.

Inadequate

On the 8th day of my 3rd year as a resident, i still have this feeling of inadequacy. Been telling my seniors before that internal medicine is really not for me for several reasons: 1. textbooks are tranquilizers for me 2. when i was in medschool, i didnt read much...i was wondering how i passed 3. my first love was pediatrics 4. i am toxic...very toxic when it comes to admissions...in short, i definitely dont have the time to read on my cases 5. did i mention that i hate to read textbooks?

In my senior year, i am expected to read. I do read. There really are times that i love to read. I just cant explain though why on the 2nd page of my reading, my eyes start to get heavy until i couldnt keep them from opening. Thus, i could finish one chapter on installment basis. First two pages first then the next pages the other time. In short, even if i read my book, it seems that my knowledge is in installment basis too.

This afternoon, we had our first mortality review. As the ICU resident, my cases were the first that our chairman reviewed. I had two deaths last week...both were acute myocardial infarction. Exaggerating he may be, but he was almost having an infarction while reviewing my charts...so he said. I thought i've done my best to salvage those patients. I thought i was managing them well. Yet, there were loop holes in my management that he was able to discover. He was keen to observe that based from the patient's vital sign sheet, my patient was not improving. Yet during my rounds, my patient was doing well not until a few minutes prior to her demise. It wasnt a sudden death i realized. Only if i was as keen as him in reviewing the patient's vital signs, i could have anticipated her supposed to be untimely death. Tsk tsk...i love mortality reviews!

Really! I love those times when my management are questioned. At least i get to polish them. At least someone looks over my work. What i just dont like with this review though is that someone has to die in order for me to realize our mismanagements. Someone has to die in order me to realize that i really have to read...voraciously read.

I feel so inadequate. I feel that there is a need for me to really study. Now what am doing right now? Alright, time to open my book and start the ball rolling. Goodluck self. Might be in dreamworld in no time.=P

There is God

Witnessed something today that really made my day.



Yep! God does exist.

There's Always a Reason to Smile

Just came home from the hospital. Was working overtime for the activity tomorrow. I must admit that i am soooooooo damn tired and sleepless. Will definitely be sleeping early in the morning later when everyone else's about to wake up already. Tired, sleepless, beginning to experience again my pms, i am currently in chaotic mode with the grumpy and irritable side of me dominating my senses. Smiling's quite expensive as of this time or maybe, im just too tired too to smile.

There's always a reason to smile though. What i witnessed tonight definitely made me feel better. I was standing at the ER exit waiting for my brother. I love to sit and be with the patients' folks outside of the ER. I love the feeling of being an "ordinary" citizen.

Tonight, two ambulance drivers made me smile. Nah! I did not have a direct interaction with them. I was just a mere observer.

Ambulance driver #1: He was dressed in an army's clothing. He wasnt the "official" driver actually. An army officer who brought a pregnant patient who's about to give birth. After his patient and her folks have gone down from the ambulance, one of the patient's companions gave him a hundred peso bill. The driver politely refused the offer. He even added,"Gamita nyo lang. Mas kilanlan nyo na."

Ambulance driver #2: This one brought a pediatric patient. The patient's mother asked him if he has 50 pesos that she could borrow. She was drained and has no money left. Without hesitation, he took a hundred peso bill from his wallet and gave it to her.

Small acts of kindness of two strangers. Enough to make me smile to myself. Enough to lift my dampened spirit. Enough to energize my tired body. These people continually remind me that the goodness of the human heart is innate. That there are still a lot of good people around. That the kindness and goodness in this crap hospital where i work are enough to balance my toxicity and disappointments.

Life is really beautiful. It takes just a little sensitivity and a little time to witness how beautiful it is. Realizing this is enough to make me smile no matter how bad my day was.

More Rationalizations!

Eversince i started residency training, i have been rationalizing that the reason why i am bombarded with patients and why i am soooooooo toxic during my duties is that maybe God trusts me enough by sending His sick people to me. Eversince too ive been praying that i could handle all these patients well to the best of my ability. Havent committed a major blunder yet...God forbid, or else ill be the first to start a rally against Him on how unfair He could be.

Yesterday, i almost had an arrhythmia. A few hours before one of my patients at the ICU got toxic, i have to stand by for another patient who's in impending respiratory failure (thanks to the inventor of cigarette whoever the hell he was). Added to this, a new biological weapon was discovered. We were suffocated by one of our patient's shit. My nose is big enough to be very sensitive to odors (from perfume to food!). I guess having a sonic nose is a gift! Good thing I have tolerance to smelly stuffs but that one odor that we were breathing last night was beyond compare.

Five o'clock and i was still awake. By this time, I already received a message from my "wake up texter". He just woke up while i was still stealing precious sleep. I was almost in REM when the nurse woke me up that one of my patients was having an arrhythmia. Goodness gracious! I almost left my tired body on the bed i was lying upon when i stood up to see my patient.

Seeing those abnormal rhythms in the cardiac monitor in an half-asleep-half-awake status was the most scary feeling on earth ever! Seem to have dropped my brain somewhere when i woke up or must have left it in dreamworld. Alright! I was almost cramming. Being a grace under pressure however and a good actress, i pretended not to panic. Shet! I pledged to religiously read my books now (well, that was the other night...as of press time, havent been reunited with Harrison yet). I ordered for diazepam for the patient to allay her anxiety...almost ordered another one for me.

Rationalization time again! God wouldnt give me something i couldnt handle. Called for help from a senior resident and from my consultant. No additional medications were given. I almost ordered an anti-arrhythmic drug but i put it on hold. I was hoping that she'll convert to sinus. The defibrillator was on stand-by should i cardiovert. I was looking at the cardiac monitor without a wink. Afraid that a couplet might turn into v-tach!

A five-second normal rhythm...hoping...another PVCs...still hoping...yet another couplet...by this time, i needed diazepam for myself! Then came a normal 6-second tracing now getting longer until i could no longer see a single PVC. She eventually converted to sinus rhythm! Goodness! I didnt know that diazepam now is an anti-arrhythmic!

I was dead-tired and harassed after what happened. Yet more rationalizations reminded me that God must have loved me so much that i went through the experience unscathed...just a little harassed maybe. Well after what happened, His comfort is more than diazepam for me.

A New Destressor

My hands were soiled a few minutes ago. I tried to go back to one hobby that was destressing to me before...painting. I am no artist and i dont know the rules and laws of art either. I paint to destress, to express myself. I was fond of watercolors as a medium and i could finish one work in one sitting. When i went home to bacolod, i lost touched with my art materials. Forgot which box i placed them and forgot where that box is too. I remembered that i still have one unfilled drawing book in it, a box of watercolor, colored pencils, a set of paint brushes and several pencils. Oh well, i didnt look for them anymore. Last night, when i was in a bookstore, i bought a box of watercolors and a drawing block!

Today, tried to go back to this old hobby. My favorite theme would always be a sunset. Everything's just right. Seated on my bed, with the sound of the rain as my background music and the wind from my bedroom windows to relax me, i started on my "artwork". Half-way with it however, i realized that i couldnt feel the comfort and the relaxation that this "destressor" of mine has provided me with before. I felt impatient, unrelieved and disgusted with the progress and the look of my supposed to be "artwork".

In short, i didnt finish my project. I crumpled the page that i was working with. I realized that as i grow older, my preferences change. A once relaxing hobby that was so comforting for me is no longer applicable for my current lifestyle. My hands are tired from ordering in the charts. My eyes are defective from reading my books. Painting i guess is no longer for me. As a result, here i am, posting this blog.

Well, im into blogging! Yep! My new destressor.

What Now?

I'm just too toxic to post here! My bed's waiting for me now and dreamworld's just within my reach.

A New LOAD

I'm once again disoriented to time. I didnt realize that twas already the 1st day of December. It didnt sink in that i will be receiving a bigger load, a bigger responsibility. Effective yesterday, i was tasked to man the intensive care unit (ICU)...and it was just yesterday that i was able to convince myself that i'm tasked to do it.

Heck! I dont feel prepared. I feel inadequate. My "fear system" however has gone awry. I am not afraid...just numbed. Time to let out that talent on acting. Act confident even if i am not. Feel brave even if i am not sure of what lies ahead. Alright self, activate your talent in rationalization too. When things are happening just to soon to handle, rationalize why they have to happen.

Now this makes me feel better.=P