The Doctor is OUT

RH Bill, eh?

2011-05-18T00:50:00.003+08:00

It's all over the place. The Reproductive Health Bill (House Bill 4244) has caused commotion in both the church and the state. It's on the news everyday. Latest of which is the glitch between Pacman and Miriam. It was even a topic in one of our dinners at home with me letting my parents (who are active in church) understand that the church is misleading them. With the way the church is tackling this problem, it reminds me of Padre Damaso.

The great debate between the church and the government is what that irritates me. Both of them have closed minds and ears. Both simply do the talking without listening. Could they just shut up and listen to each others argument? If there's something in the bill that they go against with then trash that part. Can they just do this and leave all of us in peace?

I am not pro or anti-RH bill. As a physician all that I am sure of is that I am a protector of life. I am a catholic and I am against abortion. I believe that I have faith in my creator and that I respect His ministers. What bothers me however is that why is the church pushing its stand that the RH bill is pro-abortion when in fact the bill states that abortion remains illegal and is punishable by law? Why does it have to exaggerate facts or be very strict with semantics? That contraceptives are abortifacients? Abortifacients since it stops fertilization then basically "aborts" life. Man! Kalurkey! What kind of argument is this?

Yep! There are means of contraception that may cause abortion based from the little knowledge that I can remember from long ago. Tops the list is the intrauterine device or IUD. Its purpose is to prevent the sperm from meeting the egg so the sperm goes around the maze created by the IUD inside the uterus until it dies. Abortion happens when a wise sperm finds its way towards the egg and fertilization begins. This fertilized egg should implant itself in the uterus in order to live. Abortion takes place if the moron, er morula gets lost in the maze and dies before it can implant itself. If there's a problem with the IUD, can the RH bill authors just remove it from the contraceptives they are proposing?

The guiding principle of the bill so they say is responsible parenthood, reproductive health and population development. The church is afraid that should the bill push the use of condoms and introduce sex education among the youth it will promote promiscuity and pollute the minds of these adolescents. Why don't they agree on one thing then? Since it's the money of the taxpayers that is involved in this debate, then these contraceptions be only given to married couples. The church should also hold responsibility on the morality aspect. Sad to say, the media is more influential than the church in promoting the so called "norm" in our society. The church can't blame the RH bill if it wants sex education to be included in the school curriculum. It maybe just wanting to do some damage control. In the first place, being the moral advocate, the church should have strengthened the value formation and religion classes. It should have drawn the youth towards them before wordly influences overpower their young minds. If this is happening now, then do we still need sex education if our youths are aware of what is right and what responsibility is all about?

How about the newly married couple? I am aware that an about to be wed couple needs to attend a seminar with the church and this included family planning. Why not the RH bill advocates help with the church in inculcating knowledge to the couples for the so called responsible parenthood instead of emphasizing on sex education? A friend who happens to be a doctor underwent this kind of seminar before her wedding. What she couldn't take was the misconceptions of the old woman who gave the seminar regarding reproduction. Good for her she has a knowledge of it. How about those who needed the right knowledge? Will they forever be misled by the seminars given to them by the church? Are these women who are giving seminars certified to give such training by the way? No wonder, regardless of these seminars that the church gives, our population growth is still uncontrolled.

As to the pro woman aspect of the bill, RH bill advocates promote use of contraception so that women who are forced by their intoxicated husbands to have sex are prevented from getting pregnant. Blimey! So where did the Anti-Rape Law of 1997 go? One of its amendments is the recognition of marital rape as a crime. Will contraception promote good relationships among married couples just because the wife gave in to her husband's call of the flesh without fear of getting pregnant? A good relationship I believe is not measured on the number of times that a couple have sex. This too isn't an assurance that it will protect women. I'm afraid, this will even be a venue of exploiting us. You are taking pills, so I can have sex with you anytime I want for you are safe. Is this our idea of protecting women? I would rather go for the strict reinforcement of this marital rape law. Women empowerment must be emphasized here and not just submissiveness to a husband who is under the influence of alcohol.

I know I'm blabbering. My diminutive mind however can no longer grasp the arguments of both parties. Instead of the church giving emphasis on abortion and morality issues against the RH bill, why don't it tackle the issues on the success rate of this RH bill in the countries that already implement this? Was abortion lessened in these countries? Did it decrease divorce rate among couples and improved relationships? I don't think so. If this is their argument, maybe I would be one of those who will be supporting them.

Question is, at the end of the day, is this all worth it? Whoever wins, will this holistically upgrade the lives of the Filipinos? I just hope that everyone will be enlightened on this issue that they start to listen instead of talking. I'm a tax payer. I have the right to air my opinion. This is my blog so violent reactions must be reserved in your own cozy nook of a blog.=)

Nostalgic

2011-04-19T23:54:00.002+08:00

If there's one word that can describe my day today, this would be it. I went to visit my alma mater to submit some documents. While walking along its corridors, I had this weird, overwhelming experience. I first set foot on those corridors exactly twenty years ago. I was a young incoming high school freshman then. I was with my mom that time, on our way to the guidance counselor office where the admission requirements were submitted. The corridor was a plain, finished cement with coleman jugs and stroller bags at the sides. Gradeschoolers just leave their things in the corridors while they played with their classmates. All these without fear that their stuffs will be stolen. That was the sense of security that each student had back then.

The corridor I was walking on was already tiled. If I can remember it right, this was tiled after I graduated from college. Everytime it rains these tiles get wet and boy where there a lot of college students who slipped on those corridors. I guess we were better off with that finished cement. since my classmates in high school even deliberately slide their way on those halls without fear of falling.

Other than the tiled floor, gone are the signs on the beams of the corridor's roof. Back then, I could almost memorize what was written on those beams. Now, I tend to forget them already. A La Sallian is a man for others....a La Sallian is etcetera etcetera. These stuffs actually. Today, those signs on the beams were replaced by huge tarpaulins on the sides (must be a way of covering the corridor from the rain.wehehe) The lines written on those tarps were almost the same though. Reminding La Sallians who pass those corridors how to behave.

The rooms where different too. Some rooms already have double doors with grills. I am no longer aware if the school is as secure as 20 years ago. Based from what I saw however, I think things have changed too in the security aspect. A number of buildings were also built on a previously grassy park. I could no longer see the tennis court while I was walking through that corridor because of the new infrastructures. The ever memorable tennis court where I used to play tennis after school. Why memorable? I was kind of conscious in my shorts then every time I play. There were only a number of us girls in high school that time, being the 2nd batch of girls when La Salle high school turned coed. The tennis court was very visible from the corridor and all boys who passed that corridor can see me in my shorts running after the ball. Even my high school crush noticed me then. I was playing doubles with a grade school kid that time. When I got out of the court, my crush told me that I was playing with his brother. I forgot who won that match but the ending of talking with my crush was a winner.hahaha Basically, the tennis court was very open to prying eyes.

As I was nearing the College of Medicine office, I passed by our old high school classrooms. They were now turned into college classrooms. The doors are still the same, with openings in it shaped as crosses. I forgot to check if the door knobs were the same though. Those kind where I learned to use a plastic card rather than keys to open them. If there was a skill in high school that I still have today, this would be it. Our quadrangle got smaller in area too. It was no longer a quadrangle where students gather for the morning flag raising ceremony. It was also during that time that us girls were always reprimanded by our assistant principal for a stinking comfort room.hahaha Since this area was already occupied by the college department, it's now an open space where I hypothesize, college students could get their daily dose of vitamin D since most of the areas in the campus were already covered.hehehe

Twenty years forward, I am now a young internist who came back to her alma mater to apply as a part time faculty of the college of medicine. The nostalgia that I had today even made me more excited for the said teaching job. This is just one way of showing my alma mater my gratitude for molding me into a kind of doctor and person that I am. No matter how my old school looks now, with all the improvements and new buildings, there lies a part of me within its walls. Same thing with me. No matter how old I've grown and how many institutions I went to, I still a have a green blood in my system.

Inspired

2011-04-18T00:14:00.002+08:00

I have been feeling uninspired and idle for a month now. Truly when you oversleep you tend to be more tired and sleepy the whole day. This has been happening after my fellowship training ended. I just couldn't get myself to move and do something productive with my life other than sleeping. Yep! I sleep over my books and with the speed that I am running, I don't think that I will be able to finish all the topics that I need to read upon for my exam.

With this, I forced myself to attend our department's weekly conference so that I could force myself to study. I forced myself to hold clinics everyday in the afternoon so that I could earn some bucks and therefore get rid of the title professional bum. The universe must have cooperated too that I was bombarded with referrals from the residents in the government hospital I am affiliated in. In short, I was forced to make rounds with them in order for me to see the patients they're referring. I was saying "force" for if I would only let my idle self decide, I would choose to stay in my room and spend the whole day reading...errr sleeping actually.

Just when I needed the inspiration to get moving, thanks to my other favorite hobby, channel surfing for I came across the show Bottomline last night. Its guest was Fatima Soriano, an 18-year old, blind, Marian devotee. This girl has all the energy that I longed to have. She was so bubbly, full of inspiration, full of zest for life. Looking at myself, here I am, strong and able yet very lazy to use my God-given faculties. A slap in the face that was. The kind of slap that rises one from slumber though. Not those telenovela type that provokes you to slap back.hehe A slap in the face, a pinch in the heart, I couldn't explain what I felt but I knew that this girl made me cry.

Where in the world was she getting that energy, that kind of zest for life, that kind of faith? I was like her when I was younger. People close to me call me their angel. I'm serious. I was even recruited by the nuns in my highschool to join their congregation.wahaha What happened to that young, energetic and full of faith girl then? Did she turn into a pathetic doctor whose life seems suspended in mid-air? A doctor who grew horns and tail instead of halo and wings? Is that what I have become after all those trainings, hardships and challenges I went through in achieving my dream?

After finishing my last leg of training, my life landed on a plateau that not even my upcoming diplomate exam would scare me and force me to study. Shame on me. Shame on me for it took a blind girl for me to wake up from my long slumber. I have a short life to live. Eventhough I have reached that dream of mine, I know that my career as a health care provider is just starting. My life does not end here. I know that I need not waste my time in bed for when I'm dead, I'll surely be sleeping forever. Thank you Fatima for the inspiration. Thank you to the Big Guy Upstairs for sending angels to inspire me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bucket list to finish.=)

Resurrect

2011-04-11T11:37:00.002+08:00

It's been more than year since I posted something here. I have been wanting to post a new entry but there were a lot of reasons that hindered me from doing it. First, blogger has gone Chinese a few months back. I couldn't understand any of the tabs that I tend to memorize what those tabs were for. Afraid that I might mess up big time with my blog account, I forgo with the idea of posting something. Second, fellowship training consumed much of my time. Third, morphine served as my human trash bin that all I need to do was to talk to him rather than going online to post something. Lastly, there's facebook where I could post my short rants through my status.:)

I realized though that the therapeutic effect of blogging on my heart and on my psyche is way different than the substitutes I've found. One, there's this feeling that I have emptied everything out after posting something. The thought that this blog is a bit "private" than facebook and that shedding some negative thoughts in here could not affect other life forms unless they read my entries (at their own risks), make me more comfortable in expressing myself here.

I am supposed to make a new blog account. You know, leave all the negativities and all the rants of training behind. Now that I am in private practice, and have gone "instantly" more mature after I was released from my training institution, my posts may be more mature and more optimistic now. For the sake of "continuity of care" however, I've decided to resurrect this blog and continue with what I have started. After reading some of my old entries, I had a good laugh at myself on how I evolved from a whining resident to a less-whining consultant.hahaha Nah! It felt good to read old stuffs. They served as measures of my growth as a person. If I leave them behind in this old blog and start a new one, there would be no point of comparison on how I was behaving a few years back to the present.hehe

Now that I'm juggling my time between my practice and my review for my diplomate exam, I know that I will be able to post an entry here quite often. There may be some changes with the way I think and feel. Since this is my trash bin, my whinings shall predominate this blog still...a bit milder though I suppose. There's something that didn't change with how I blog however. I still post lengthy entries.hehehe

Beachy

2010-03-28T12:41:00.002+08:00

Exactly four years ago, I took this pic in Bora. When your knowledge though on how harmful the sun is on one's health increases, you definitely will spare the beach. Hah! Rationalizing again for having no time to hit the beach this summer! Subspec training...training...what have you done to me? =)

Sleeping Beauty

2010-02-21T22:39:00.002+08:00

Just got home from a sick leave. I did have the nerve to ask my bosses for a sick leave. After one year of fellowship here in the jungle of Manila, I finally decided to put an end to my recurrent tonsillitis. If not for my mom threatening me that it might lead to rheumatic heart disease, i didnt decide on this one. Now, im on my 3rd day post-tonsillectomy and I'll be back to work tomorrow. I didnt want to announce it here at first but i just want to immortalize in this blog on how good Bro really is. Anyway, Mom already started the text brigade for me that even if I would want this surgery to be discreet, everyone else knew about it. How did I find out? My aunt was with me in my hospital room when she received the text from mom. Mom's style worked too I guess.

I left Manila on the 17th and I got admitted straight from the airport. My OR was scheduled first thing the next day. I have already contacted my surgeon before i filed for a leave. People were wondering why I chose to go home when I am working in one of the best hospitals in the country. My only reason is - there's always an advantage when I'm in my homecourt. I want to be with my family. I'm more familiar with the people and the system in my hometown.

Early morning of the 18th, an orderly came to fetch me. All I could remember was I said goodnight to my parents after the nurse administered the midazolam. The rest were a blur. I had my first lucid interval and my first memory of my ordeal when i was already in the recovery room. A former intern came to my bedside and greeted me. I remembered saying "hi" then i once again drifted to sleep. I guess my anesthesiologist also tried to wake me up and I remembered thanking him. I didnt even had a glimpse of my surgeon or how the OR looked. I was asleep all along.

I was very lucid when I was already in my room and that was already late in the afternoon. Morphine has been asking mom the whole morning if I was already awake. You see, Ive been threatening him that I might not wake up after my surgery.hehe He got even when he called up and let me talk over the phone for some time after receiving a reply from me. Well, I could talk after my surgery. My pain threshold's quite high I guess. Thanks to the tramadol drip too. It made things easier for me to bear.

On my 2nd post-op day, I was discharged. My surgeon and my anesthesiologist gave me clearance and was surprised for my recovery. Well, if I'm bound to fly back to Manila soon, I dont have a choice but to act well.

Things happen as a breeze. Bro made things happen for me. I know that I couldnt thank Him more for what He's done. Enumerating those things here is I guess one way of thanking and praising Him for everything.
1. I was granted the sick leave
2. I didnt have a difficulty in scheduling for my OR
3. I had a good and comfortable hospital room
4. I was asleep during the operation and couldnt even remember that it happened
5. I was intubated! But then at least I didnt find myself in that state of being intubated or else I might have panicked. I was already on oxygen cannula when I woke up in the recovery room.
6. I feel less pain...just a bit of discomfort in my throat.
7. I was on ice cream diet!!! the best!
8. My surgeon's and anesthesiologist's fees were on courtesy!
9. Philhealth shouldered almost half of my hospital bill.
10. Ive got a very supportive family...my mom was with me all the time when I was admitted. Tatay's the errand boy bringing stuffs from home to the hospital.
11. Ive got visits from people who cared.
12. From the OR to the RR, Ive got previous interns who are now residents who took care of me.
13. My first experience as a patient was a good one. At least I finally felt how comfortable it is to sleep on a hospital bed without minding the time.
14. The best thing too was that the thing that i dreaded most didnt happen. People were threatening me that I might be catheterized since Ill be on general anesthesia. The first thing that i checked out when I was lucid was if I feel any discomfort down under and I felt nothing.hehe

Now, Im back to my feet after 3 days. Will be back to work on my 4th post op day. I just hope there will be no patients in the out patient tomorrow. I know I need to rest my voice for some time. Unless texting is allowed in talking with my patients. Anyway, thank you Bro! Thank you too for those who offered their prayers for me.

SUNny

2010-01-27T23:42:00.003+08:00

I hope i'll be able to regularly post stuffs here after I switched my ISP to what else but the reigning network in my area. G and Sm step aside and stop comparing yourselves on who's the fastest for I am now happy with the speed of my broadband. I can now at least send a powerpoint file via email and can download files at a rate I didnt experience from my previous provider. At least i dont get to sleep while waiting for the web pages to load. I can now go bloghopping and leave or reply to comments. I'll be back to blogosphere and everything will be back to normal for me! Yipee!

Ooops! I forgot about the toxicity of this fellowship thing. I hope I still have the time to do all these stuffs I've just mentioned. It's now back to reality for me...back to work.hehe

To Live

2010-01-02T09:48:00.001+08:00

It's a new year and people are busy making their resolutions which eventually gets forgotten by the end of the year. Then they make it again for the next year and the next and the next. This is the sole reason why I don't make promises or resolutions every time a year comes anew. With the tasks I have to do, research papers I have to make, cases I have to study, books that I need to read, I will surely forget about this resolution should I make one. I want it that should I have one resolution, I must be able to remember it in my daily activities, with the people I meet or just everytime I wake up and drag myself to work.

It has been 10 months when I started this fellowship training. It has been 10 months when I felt like I am not my real self. I must have left the real me somewhere and lost it. I am not sure whether I really lost it or something must have gone wrong in my system. Like a loose screw somewhere that needs to be tightened or a hinge that needs to be oiled. I'm acting weird in fact. My emotions became labile, I always feel down in the dumps and I tend to be irritated by small stuffs. I don't find anything fulfilling or happy at all – with work. I'm giving an emphasis on this just in case morphine, friends or a family member stumble into this blog and might misinterpret me. I am no longer happy with my work. That's it!

Why am I saying this? For the past 10 months, going to the hospital everyday seems like a struggle for me. I'm a walking zombie – functional at that. I examine patients, gives my soundest opinion on their cases, treats them, mingle with them or with my colleagues, then I sleep the whole night through when I get home to my apartment. I feel so empty. I don't find any fulfillment with my being a "physician"…again! You see, my posts are records of my emotional roller coaster ride. One post I'm down, another I'm so inspired. This I feel isn't healthy and isn't the usual me. The once emotionally stable young resident didn't just turn into a melting pot of different emotions I surmise. I became a walking chaos to be more specific. I know that I must put an end to this.

For 2010, I don't want to remain as the functional zombie. I want to live. I want to enjoy every single day of my existence in this institution. I was able to survive the past 10 months and I know that the next 14 months will be a breeze. I want to breathe and live everytime I wake up and drag myself to work. I want to savor every moment that I am with my patient. I want to relive that feeling of fulfillment for being able to make someone well. I miss that state. I miss that self of mine. I wish she'll resurface from where I left her. I wish I can fix this bug in my system. I want to live. I have to take my first breath.

My 49 Things - Revisited

2009-12-31T21:09:00.003+08:00

After another year, here I am revisiting my entry for the past 2 years. I have already started my fellowship training and I felt that because of the time I've spent in the hospital, I haven't achieved a lot of things for this year. As I start to highlight my list however, I found out that I eliminated a good number of stuffs from my list!

2009 has been good to me save for the depressive moments I've had because of my training. I am looking forward to a better year tomorrow. Already told myself not to worry and to stop predicting my future. I know that He only wants the best for me. Who am I to worry?

Bro, let your will be done. For me, you're always the man! Thank you for everything. I couldnt ask for more.

*the ones in pink were achieved this year!

1. Go bungee jumping - still hoping! There's a zipline at Tagaytay I've heard. This could substitute.hehe calling morphine! when are we going to do this?hehe
2. Go Skydiving - I'm not sure if there's one in Pampanga. I hope in 2010 this will be highlighted.hehe
3. Train in Neurology - hmmmm, change of plans...it's RHEUMATOLOGY. It's a subspec still.- i'm into my 2nd and last year!
4. Train in US - PGH is the wiser choice as of this time...blame the economy.hehe - despite of living just on a stipend, at least i dont get hungry.hehehe
5. Buy an Ipod
6. Get to Mindanao
7. Tour around Asia - can I count 1 trip as "around Asia" already? At least I started the ball rolling this year.hehe...got a chance to go to Singapore this September!woohoo!
8. Own a house by the sea - a "kubo" will suffice so long as it's by the sea.
9. Go to Disneyland - free tickets anyone?hehe
10. Publish a book - would having a blog be considered? (same question as last year's...same question still for this year.)
11. Have a WOW Philippines tour - i want to start the ball rolling next year.hehe
12. Sponsor a scholar
13. Serve the Missionaries of Charity - finally, I've done it! Got to visit the place several times before I left for training.
14. Go to Calcutta, India - after the bombing at Mumbai recently, I'm having a change of mind.hehe
15. Learn to drive - already have my student permit. wink* wink*
16. Own a car - house? car? which comes first? Hmmm, I'll think about this once I'm done with subspecialization.hehe
17. Go to Batanes - not during stormy season.
18. Go out on a real date - with my morphine alright...noone else.hehe
19. Do stargazing under the bora skies with someone special - hmmm, hopefully 2 years from now, this will be in highlight.
20. Travel with someone special - hehehe morphine and I's next plan...Amazing Race Asia! Of course I'm kidding! I was sleeping all the time during that 6-hour trip what more in longer ones.
21. Send my parents to a vacation - i mean a grand vacation. I have to win the lotto.
22. Help send a sibling to school
23. Own a Canon SLR camera - once there's a handy and light-weight one.hehe - will having a sony cybershot T90 point and shoot cam count?hehe now at least I have a camera!
24. Go parasailing
25. Be in two places at the same time
26. Write my autobiography - can a resume be counted as one?hehe
27. Learn to swim
28. Learn to ride a bike
29. Go scuba diving
30. Make a compilation of my pictures of sunsets
31. Travel out of the country with my family - will travel with mom be considered "family?"
32. Eat baskets of strawberries with salt
33. Do someone a favor everyday
34. Learn another dialect
35. Learn another language - french, spanish, italian, im still thinking
36. Meet the pope - i was at first referring to John Paul II - now we have a new pope!
37. Go to Rome
38. Ride a helicopter - calling morphine again...you promised me this one. (as if he can read this!hehehe)
39. Live on my own - INDEPENDENCE!!! I am now! it's not easy alright, but I am considering myself as ind
40. Travel to new places on my own
41.Have a rooftop garden complete with landscaping - overlooking the sea...with a very nice sunset view? isn't it lovely?hehe
42. Buy my parents their golden wedding rings - bought them silver rings during their 25th year i hope i could buy them their rings on their 50th...=)
43. Go white water rafting
44. Put up a foundation - my memorial foundation?=)
45. Surprise someone
46. Touch a life - i believe im doing this
47. Write my last will
48. Fall deeply in love - hmmm took the risk - finally...hehe My head still rules my heart though.
49. Commit without fear - still struggling on this one but morphine tells me I'm doing good.hehe

Home

2009-12-25T02:24:00.002+08:00

Ahhhhh I miss home! I miss my family, our dog, the couch, my bed, and of course, the dsl connection. I think I have to make up for the lost times of not being able to blog because of my crappy connection in Manila.

For this Christmas, I really have a lot of things to be thankful for. For the gift of family, friends, and colleagues. For my career and training. For the gift of life and health. For morphine. I guess my thankfulness deserves another entry. For now, I just would like to say, "Thanks, Bro! You're the Man! Happy birthday!"

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Take Life

2009-11-18T00:02:00.001+08:00

"To live is to not know."

I am fond of checking out that FB application where I get to read what God wants me to know for the day. It may be developed by the human brain but this application seems strange to me for it's as if God is really talking to me. I am always hit bull's eye since it always calms the chaos in my overthinking brain. I admit that I am not that just a "thinker." I am an overthinker. Well, I just made the word "worrier" appear positive. I tend to worry on a lot of things. I worry about the future, my fellowship training, my relationships, my health, my family and loved ones, my patients, even their caretakers, the street child who asked for my half-eaten DQ 16oz strawberry and banana blizzard, the earth and its doom, blah, blah, blah. I always want assurance that things will be better on my part. Alright, shorten it into "segurista." I want everything to turn out for my own good or that of the people or things that I worry for. I tend to haste things excited to know the future.

Then I got tired. I started to become passive…burnt out. I lost my optimism in life for I got busy worrying over stuffs. I suspect that I am on the verge of falling into an autoimmune state because of the stresses that I subject myself into. Increased hair falls, frequent respiratory tract infections, fatigue, weight loss, all of these were my symptoms and I have ruled out the most suspected infection that most Filipinos have after having a clean chest xray.

I have a choice and I always choose to worry. I have mistaken this "sickness" as depression but it was just today when I realized that I really am not depressed. I have been talking about the intermittent episodes of unhappiness and dislike that I have with my current state but I don't think that I could qualify as having a Bipolar disorder. I've found out that my bouts of unhappiness are always preceded by worrying. In other words, worrying was the root of all these miseries I'm having.

Today, God wants me to know this…nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be. You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty - to be alive means to not know.

From the academy where Morphine came from, they have this expression,"Take life." Sort of taking responsibility over your life, living to your limits, taking the risks, also like saying "yes" to life. Beginning today, and I want to immortalize this in my blog, I am going to "Take life." I will stop playing Madam Auring for myself. The one who is curious about her future. The one who worries if everything will turn out for the better. It's hard I believe but I just have to lay down my cards. I just have to let the Great Architect do His job in my life, and I on the other hand do what my script tells me to do. To live with uncertainty and to look forward for surprises. I think this is the biggest change that I want in my life - to stop predicting or worrying about my future and waste my time on it. To let things come as surprises is actually equivalent to a rollercoaster ride and it spells F-U-N to me…really FUN! Woohoo!

Countdown

2009-11-01T23:50:00.002+08:00

I have this note on my desktop. It's my countdown for several things. First of course is my countdown for the end of my fellowship training. Fifteen months left and I'll finally stop torturing myself. I'll be saying goodbye to this grueling and mind-draining fellowship. Fifteen months and I'll be saying hello to freedom. Freedom for finally, I think I've reached the end of my medical training. Unless of course there'll be another sub-subspecialty in Rheumatology. A little more than a year and I'll be going home. I'll be eating the good food I've missed, be spending quality time with my family and be breathing the fresh air of my hometown. Fifteen months and I'll be thinking about me, myself and I. I'll be doing things that I've put on hold for some time. First on the list is my Wow Philippines trip, Conquering Asia and World Domination (I need to save up for these.) If I run short of my savings, then I'll settle for bungee jumping or sky diving.hehe Fifteen months and I'll finally be saying "yes" without fear. "Yes" to life…for I'll be living the life that I have been dreaming for myself – no longer limited by training, by work and by time. The mere thought of these things makes life a lot easier for me to handle now. Dum-bidum-bidum…dum-bidum-bidum.

Selfless

2009-11-01T23:45:00.002+08:00

(Hands of my Scleroderma patient)

There's something about wives and mothers that make me admire them. I have great respect to them and I look at them with high regard. If I could just imagine all the things that they have to go through, I would be discouraged to follow them. I don't think that I have that strength, courage and selflessness that they possess. I don't think I could handle all the stresses and physical work that they deal with everyday. From dealing with husbands who sometimes act worse than their kids, to rearing children who sometimes forget to look back and be grateful once they could manage life on their own, these wives and mothers need to be recognized for their hard work. I sometimes even equate this hard work to "martyrdom."

I realized that in the subspecialization where I am in, I am dealing with most of them. Rheumatology deals with autoimmune diseases and these encompass diseases like lupus, scleroderma, rheumatoid arthritis, etcetera. Majority of these diseases affect women of childbearing potential, like Lupus with an odds of 20:1. In other words, young wives and mothers who are all subject to stress in their everyday living are afflicted. Stress is actually one of the factors that could trigger such diseases. With all those patients I've seen in the Out-patient department, I always wonder what could have triggered their disease. A good research question actually that I would want to further investigate, but I've seen a good number who point to their works as the stressors – grade school teachers, nursing students, soldiers' wives. Ooops, these aren't based from studies or facts and I don't want to be quoted here. I just happen to observe this in the patients I've handled.

I found my purpose. I was so interested in Psychiatry before and here I am, applying it to my patients in Rheumatology. These women no matter how strong they are needed someone to listen to them. They don't need my advice for they know better in life than I do. They don't need my words of comfort for I couldn't relate in the first place with what they are going through. They just wanted me to listen to them. To take their sentiments, concerns and pains without being judgmental. Ironic, but listening to them is therapeutic. It's not negative energy that they generate rather insights that I could also apply in my life. Listening to them made me admire them the more for their innate strength and unwavering faith. It's just that heroes that they are, they didn't want other people's help at first. They carried their stresses and handled them alone. Their spirits were great but their bodies just gave up. The reason why they succumbed to their diseases.

Finally, I'm starting to find light in this training program. The daily routine that I have with work now makes sense. I have been selfish for the past months I guess that I centered my vision on myself alone. I have been whining about my training and I never felt happy about it. It is only after I found my purpose that I realize that this is where I am really called. I just have to let go of my selfishness and just like my patients, be selfless. These unsung heroes who are now weakened by their disease need someone to lift their dampened spirits. They have carried their loads long enough and they need not just a doctor who shall prescribe them with their medications. They need a doctor who could help them unload their burden, minimize their stresses and mobilize their family support. Yep! The latter is also included in our job description. We talk with their families and ask them too for support. After all, this is the only thing that their families could do in return for the selfless heroes.

In Rheumatology, I realized that my patients aren't just my teachers who translate my written textbook into real life. These patients are also my heroes. Heroes I look up to for their courage, strength and faith. Heroes I could emulate for their selfless acts of love for their families. As a Rheumatologist, this I believe is my lifetime advocacy. To help fight their diseases with them.

Realigning

2009-10-28T22:58:00.001+08:00

After almost eight months, I'm still having a difficulty coping with the stresses and difficulties of fellowship training. The intermittent episodes of unhappiness with my work still happen. At times, I couldn't find the real purpose of my being a physician for the routine work that I have here makes things ordinary and boring. Could it be because I am already at the end of the referral system that all I get to see are cases that pertain only to my subspecialty? Gout here, Lupus there, and a variety of osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis, include the confusing and difficult cases that can't be explained by other subspecialties which they thought can be explained by a Rheumatologist. The mental gymnastics that I am doing everyday at work must be sounding fun and challenging, not. There is something lacking I believe and I'm still in a quest for it.

Despite helping residents in managing their cases or seeing patients at the out-patient department, I still feel inadequate. Despite reaching this far in the hierarchy of the medical profession, I still feel unfulfilled. I miss that feeling as an intern when I get to be called as "doctor" in our medical missions in the far-flung areas of the country and I miss that feeling of "acting" as doctor to those patients I've seen. There's no substitute to the feeling of a young resident who gets to send her patient home, improved and well after pulling his/her other leg out of the grave. Now as a subspecialist, and a certified doctor at that, I wonder why I can no longer feel that fulfillment, that happiness that I used to experience?

Am I on the right track? Did I choose the right subspecialty or the right institution? All the ingredients that are needed for the making of a good physician and a good specialist are found here I guess but there seems to be one lacking ingredient. I love my specialty and this hospital where I am in is a big library of learning. Yet, I'm still trying to figure out this single ingredient that could make the perfect recipe. I'm still trying to discover what could return my enthusiasm back to my chosen field.

I need a dose of adrenaline. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to mingle with a different group of people. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe if I'll be given a chance to get out of the four walls this hospital and be able to see other patients, I might find my purpose again. A break in the routine and ordinary stuffs might just do the trick. What if it doesn't? What if this will never happen?

Tomorrow's another day at the out-patient department. I'll get to see familiar patients some of whom I already know their life's story. A number of them has opened up to me and has poured out concerns that are irrelevant to their disease. Yet I patiently listened to them. I know that I did for I get to remember every detail. Most of them come back feeling better than their previous follow up. Their non-medical-concerns still existent but their medical problems no longer bothering them. They are well so they claimed. Thankful for the medicines that I prescribed, but more thankful for hearing them out.

I think I'm starting to find my purpose again within the walls of my so called prison. If I may not be given the chance to be free for the next 16 months, at least I found my purpose. Subspecialty level isn't just about being good at managing complicated cases I suppose. As a subspecialist, I feel that there's a need for me to probe deeper in my patient's cases, to be connected, to reach out, to be receptive. These patients I'm seeing have been to general practitioners and they were not given the chance to speak their cases because of the voluminous patients waiting for them to finish. As a subspecialist, I could spend a little more time on them. I think this is my purpose. Not just to cure but to listen.

A patient of mine affirmed me this. I know it's not the medicine I've prescribed that made her better for my colleagues will be giving the same medications if she ended up to any one of them. She approached me before I started seeing my assigned patients and requested that I should be the one to see her. She was assigned to a colleague of mine and I took her chart as requested. After our consultation was done, she left teary-eyed,saying,"Salamat po talaga dok sa pakikinig. Sana ikaw lagi ang titingin sa akin. Makita pa lang kita gumagaling na ako." I was speechless. I felt fulfilled…fulfilled as the young intern who acted as a real doctor…fulfilled as the restless resident who just snatched a patient from death.

Trash Bin - Reopened

2009-10-23T22:44:00.001+08:00

My entries here became so infrequent like the number of days that I could rest. Aside from my crazy internet connection, I also have to juggle between falling asleep and uhmm, falling asleep, once I get home. I'm nothing but a second rate trying hard narcoleptic once my back touches my bed. The feeling of lying on a soft, cool bed is just so heavenly after a day's work in a big microwave oven otherwise known as the hospital. In between bed turning so as to avoid pressure ulcers, I could maintain wakefulness answering text messages or phone calls. My textbook is actually just beside me, lying cold and untouched. This is what happens during my usual weeknights. My super "busy" schedule has prevented me from blogging. Ooops! This is just a rationalization for someone who has left her brain in the hospital after work. Actually, I'm also having a hard time composing this entry for I'm lost with words. It seemed years since I posted that I forgot how to let words run freely from my brain to my fingers in order to convert them into a readable material.

Truth is I never ran out of trash. My life here has never been that heavenly as the feeling of lying on my bed. I am still struggling and surviving for almost 8 months now coupled with attacks of self-induced depression and thoughts of quitting this training. This blog has long been my trash bin ever since I was in residency training and I know that it's healthy to unload my current trash in here too. Since I can't do the job quite often, and I'm afraid to develop lupus for carrying my burden, I realized that the most convenient way for me is just to call or text my personal destressor – Morphine. He has been my shock absorber for the whole time that I am here. Someone who heard my cries and my angst in this training that I chose to punish myself with. Well, if that something that you do no longer makes you happy, you call it as punishment, right? What is the term though for the intermittent attacks of dislike to one's work thereby resulting to unhappiness? Whatever that is, I am not constantly happy in this state that I am in. So, poor Morphine for taking the toll. I have become selfish for not thinking about what he'll feel should I share my trash with him. I have become too self-absorbed for thinking only of my own concerns. I forgot that principle of mine that I should only share my trash with either this blog or a green-leafy creature. Both can take my trash yet can't feel my burden. Yet, blame my crappy internet connection again.

I know that Morphine takes my trash well and I couldn't thank him more for it. He deserves to be recognized for assuming as my part time boyfriend and a fulltime trash bin. He's not complaining, no not yet but as a physician in profession with units in psychiatry, I'm afraid that he might reach super saturation. With the current situation that I am in, I never run out of concerns and problems at work and he has concerns of his own too. Besides, he's not a non-living blog or a green-leafy creature who can't talk back or can't feel the negative energies I'm releasing. So here I am, starting to reopen this trash hoping that my internet connection will not be as sluggish as my blood supply to my brain during off office hours. Maybe in this way, I could take Morphine's trash too and discard all of it here. This is my way of returning the favor that he has done for me. I just wish that I could get an unlimited DSL connection, for posting an entry in this blog with my current ISP makes me more stressed than relieved. For the meantime that this wish is still intangible, starting this post in word could do the job. Should this post reach this blog however, then thank heavens for sharing the bandwidths. Meaning, I really have a good signal with the Big guy upstairs. *wink *wink

His Own Perfect Time

2009-09-26T12:12:00.002+08:00

I miss this blog and i miss posting something in here. It's just soooo perfect to post something worth sharing. You know after all my absence, I think it's fair to post something light and inspirational...i hope.

It's raining cats and dogs out there. I am alone for the weekend, homesick, bf-sick and literally sick. Yep! You've got it right. The doctor is sick. I'm nursing a flu and it's during these times that I miss Dr. Mom's magic touch. I wondered how that mentholated formula that mom would rub on my back and chest when I was young would take away my flu in no time. I never read that in my medical books and it was very effective for me.

Despite of the weather and being sick though, I wondered why I don't feel down. These times are enough to make me feel melancholic especially during PMS attacks. Maybe my hormones are in balance right now or maybe, I just feel sooo blessed to ever let myself go down in the dumps and be sorry for my current state. Bad things have been happening lately and yet even if they happened simultaneously, the Great Architect had His way to make things appear perfect. His grace has sustained me for the whole 7 months of my training and I couldnt thank Him more for that.

What's more? Things happen in His perfect timing. He sends in people, songs, movies, events or even just the rain to help me in my decisions. I could enumerate some of it and remembering them made me realize that the worrier-me need not worry anymore. Everything's all accounted for so what's the fuss of overthinking?

1. I'm running out of cash and i hate to withdraw from my savings account. I'm on my 7th month of training and yet I havent received my stipend yet like the other fellows. I've heard a number of cofellows who have been asking about it and I heard no good news. After all the toxicity, I'm on the verge of quitting. Strange however for yesterday, the first time that I called up the payroll section (i didnt sound desperate about the stipend and I'm sure of that.hehe), I heard the "bestest" news that I wanted to hear. I was already included in it! Now, I get to pay my parents for my loan and I get to buy the stuffs I've been wanting. Wohoo! After seven months of famine and 8 lbs lighter, I finally got paid.hehe

2. My PMS attack plus my runaway gf sickness accompanied by my toxicity at work made me unsecure in my relationship. I wanted to find solace by thinking that should I break away from the relationship, I can find it. Good thing morphine isnt that fickle-minded as I am. He didnt let go of me when i was slipping away. Several times have I attempted to run but things have been happening to keep me still. Consultants, a TV series or just a mere forwarded text, they all told me of one thing. Be still. Stay, behave, have faith, keep loving, savor the moment. The best advice came from my source of wisdom though, mom. Knowing how she adores Morphine after knowing him well and knowing how she supports our relationship, I had another reason to stay.

3. The rain, my flu, my homesickness, they all remind me that it's nice to be alone. It's during this time when I can find true solace and not from running away. It's during this time when I can meditate on my life, my goals and my future. For me to be thankful of all my blessings that I forgot to thank for.

Sometimes, I am an ingrate. My being too self-absorbed would remind me of my sorry state. I failed to realize that I am existing and surviving life's challenges because His grace has been overflowing and it never failed to sustain me.

"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
-from a forwarded email

Housekeeping!

2009-07-25T17:14:00.006+08:00

I'm finally cleaning up this blog. I realized that my last entry was way back in may and I haven't posted anything after it. Blame my internet connection. I just don't have the patience and the luxury of time to wait for my pages to load. Smart bro is just so crappy here in my area. Now done with my rationalization, wondering why I'm posting something now?

1. My apartment-mate lent me her sun broadband. She's on unlimited access and I'm currently enjoying it now. Might be slower than pldt dsl, but boy is it faster than smart bro!

2. I have a number of tasks to fulfill for this weekend. I have a reporting due next week, another presentation for our lupus patients, clinical abstracts of patients to type, souvenir program for the section's upcoming activity to edit, clothes to iron, comfort and bedroom to clean. The list goes on and yet, I don't have the drive doing them.

3. We have a fellows' quarterly exam the week after next and it will cover almost everything about our subspecialty. Yep! It feels like going back to medical school again. I still haven't read on a certain topic yet actually. Just like medical school too, I fall asleep everytime I start reading on something. Tsk tsk poor little ol' me.

You see, once I'm toxic with work, there's nowhere in the world where I will run to but this blog! After months of being idle, my toxicity once again pushed me to hit on the keyboards. I need to clean up this blog after it accumulated dusts and cobwebs. So long as my internet connection is as slow as a snail however, I can never tell when I'll do my housekeeping again.

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By the way, I'm a mom now. I just can't help but post the pics of my baby. Isn't she pretty?=)

She's born out of my terminal pay from my previous hospital. I didn't realize that all those sick leaves and privileges that I wasn't able to enjoy during residency will bear fruit.=)

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In addition, just when all fellows are not considered as hospital employees here, I was just "lucky" enough to be chosen as one of the 6 fellows who will be provided with a stipend by the hospital, instead of the usual drug company sponsorship. In exchange, I'll be returning my service to the government once I'm back in Bacolod, which for me is no big deal. Service was the main reason why I pursued this profession in the first place. Anyway, what I have just realized for now is that, I think I'm bound with the government for life!hehe

Reserved

2009-05-17T22:56:00.002+08:00

No matter how toxic I may be in my current state, I always see to it that I never miss my date with my first love. Morphine knows that he’s my first “official” bf. I however emphasized that he’s not my first “love” and that I’m still not over with my first. He was just understanding enough to let me go out on a date with my first love. Let me call him JC.

When I came to this jungle, I’m just lucky enough to have found an apartment near our meeting place. Every Sunday, first Fridays of the month, whenever my schedule would allow, I meet up with JC. We would then have lunch or dinner together. It’s different to be alone with him that everytime I’m back to my place, I have this feeling of happiness and contentment. Yep! Despite of all the pressures and toxicities that I have with work.

One thing that I have observed and that I have once again proven today is that JC’s never late in our dates. There’s this spot in our meeting place that remains unoccupied no matter how filled it was. He reserves a seat for me. By the way, we hear mass together and that spot I’m referring to is a seat in the church. The spot is just so comfortable for it’s right beside the wall fan, away from noisy kids and bf-gf’s who don’t spare the church for their pda’s. I knew that it’s reserved for me for no matter how crowded the church is, and even if that 6^th seat from the door at the left of the altar is almost full, the “spot” reserved for me remains unoccupied.

JC reserves not just a seat for me in the church. For everything that’s happening to me in this jungle where I am in, I know that he too has reserved a space for me in His heart. It’s just proper for me not to forget my first love for he too never forgets me. Every time I'm in need of something or someone, JC's always there to the rescue. Every time I miss my family or Morphine, JC's there for me to talk with. Nothing beats your first love should I say.

By the way, I just would like to make things clear. I’m not in any way violating the rules of being in a committed relationship. JC and Morphine are friends. It was even JC who endorsed my heart to Morphine. I’m just too lucky to have both guys at the same time.hehehe

The Crybaby Looks Back

2009-05-06T00:02:00.000+08:00

The crybaby once again got teary-eyed last night. Thanks to my seatmates for I was able to stop those tears from falling. For yesterday marked another milestone in my career as a physician. We had our oath taking as diplomates in my specialty. After four years of toxic residency training that did not just test my competence and knowledge as a physician but my psyche and physical capacity as well, I was finally recognized and welcomed to the world of my competent mentors.

While listening to the speakers, I was having a flashback of my life. I could remember the time when my mom reprimanded me for leaving an important document at home when we were about to enrol in a private high school in town. Little did I know that this petty memory gap would open big doors of opportunities for a young dreamer like me. If I remembered to bring that grade school report card (Yep! I forgot to bring my report card for enrolment…tee-hee!), I must have been in that school instead. So with a twist of fate, I was admitted in the high school where green abounds. Okay, I am a La Sallian at heart and I’m proud of it. I was accepted as an academic scholar and this became an impetus for me to keep reaching for that childhood dream of becoming a doctor – no matter how impossible.

Another twist of fate happened when I was about to pursue my college degree. I was already enrolled in a state university for a degree in Biology. This would however entail me of being away from my family since the school is an island away from home. After several nights of crying over this concern in secret (I did not want to let my parents know that I would want to withdraw from the university), the crybaby’s tears were wiped away. Home from the Wednesday mass, mom asked me if I would really want to be in the said university. I just answered her with my tears. These were enough to tell her that the voice she heard in her prayers during the mass was right. I am meant to stay in my hometown for college. Truly, I was once again readmitted in my alma mater as a scholar.

Choosing my medical school was another dilemma. Sending a child to medical school is no joke for a couple with no stable business. The crybaby however has this faith as big as a mustard seed in her pocket. I took a chance in another greeney school away from home. I did not want to let history repeat itself again. With a leap of faith, I left home, applied for a scholarship and was once again accepted and was able to maintain it until I graduated.

I couldn’t remember a time that I would like to quit or give up when I was studying no matter how tough times were. Yes I would cry at the end of every school year afraid that I might not be able to maintain my scholarship. These worries however were just meant to wet my eyes and add a little spice to my life.

Used to responsibilities and hardwork, eldest that I am, internship was a breeze for me. I was just surprised to see myself reviewing for the medical board exam. Finally, after passing that big hurdle in my career, I was introduced to the real world. The world of training. The world where I was able to test my competence and my capacity. The world that made me doubt my faith at times.

This blog has been witness to those whinings when I was in training. Let this blog too bear witness to my thankfulness for having survived those four looooong toxic years. Last night marked the culmination of such challenge. I was not just certified as a diplomate. I was certified as a survivor as well.

At present, I am now in another chapter of my training. Fellowship is quite harder and more difficult than the past four years. Aside of course from not being compensated for the said hardwork. I even have plans to change my heading. Due however to lack of time, poor internet connection and once again the desire to be out of the hospital everyday for the next two years, “The Doctor is Out” is still apt to represent my trash bin.

I’ve been posting my trash here. It’s just appropriate that I post something to clean up the trash by posting something light and inspirational. Something to tell the whole world that despite of the hardships and trials that we encounter in our lives, there’s always something that we should be thankful about. I guess by that time that I shall be receiving my certificate as a fellow, those tears that I kept from flowing last night will no longer hide. I might be crying buckets of it but I will no longer care. I must not be ashamed to tell the world through those tears how BLESSED AND LOVED I AM.

Special Child

2009-04-17T21:31:00.005+08:00

The holy week was over and so was my "depressed" mode. I know that my last post was literally and figuratively a trash. Well, this is what this blog is really all about...my trash bin. To make up for my absence though and for posting something that drained your happiness and energy, here's a little something for my come back entry. Uhmmm, once every month come back entry I should say.hehe

Today, I realized how special I am. It could be my autism that qualifies me to be called as a "Special child". hehe Seriously, autism aside, I never felt so special until today. I might have experienced some difficulty with my life here in the Jungle of Manila but I realized that I created that difficulty myself.

As I join the Christian world in celebrating Easter, that according to morphine means "New Life," I too decided and vowed to have a "New life and a new heart" from that time on. I started to once again remember those blessings I received and have been receiving for the past 31 years of my existence. I vowed never to let any feeling of sadness overcome my blessedness. If I enumerated the things that made me miserable on my 31st birthday, here's the list telling me that I should have not felt that way. That there are a lot to life and that life's too short to miss recognizing all of those things that can make me happy.

1. If I questioned myself whether I was threading on the right path or not, a lot of things have been telling me that I am living the life and the role I'm meant to play:
a. I never had a difficulty in applying for the said fellowship program (someone got the application form for me and sent it to Bacolod, Morphine fetch me at the airport and accompanied me when I took the qualifying exam, basically, things went on smoothly until I started my training.)
b. I never had a difficulty in looking for a place to stay here. Remember my appeal? (Thanks J.) Accompanied a co-fellow of mine in looking for a place to stay here and I didnt realize how difficult it was. Until now, she's still hunting for an apartment.
c. The first two weeks were turbulent and chaotic. That was quite a difficult adjustment period for me. Quite overwhelming that I was almost on the verge of quitting. Things are better now. We now have a secretary, and I have another female co-fellow whom I can relate and talk with everyday. Their presence made my everyday duty at the hospital bearable.
d. Today, I received a memo that I was accepted by the Hospital's selection board as one of the recipients of the stipend that they're awarding to deserving fellows. Finally, even if I dont have the cold cash yet, I can say that at least, I'll be expecting something every month. I'm sick and tired of my extended adolescence. I want my parents to have a break from all of these stuffs. Which brings me to blessing #2.

2. I've got very supportive parents who attended to all my needs. A family who never fails to show me their love and understanding. I'm out here on a loan c/o parents. I'm too proud to ask monetary support from them after earning some bucks myself during residency training. When I ran out of my savings though, mom offered financial help. She called it a "loan" so that I wouldnt be ashamed to ask help from her since I'll be paying for it in the future. Mother knows best, eh?hehe

3. I'm blessed with my morphine who never ran out of patience on me. Not yet.hehe He listened to my sentiments and cries on that fateful 2009 birthday of mine. Selfish that I was, i didnt even think of his situation. He spent birthdays away from home too and he too is away from his family and me. Yet, he was patient enough to comfort me during that crying spell. I was never spared from all of those teasing from him though after the incident. What can I do? I'm a self-confessed crybaby and I just have proven that I really am.hehehe What's more, Morphine took a weekend off from work and spent it with me. He drove all the way from the mountain in the South in the wee hours of the morning to maximize the time we'll be spending together. It happened just in time for my own weekend off from the hospital. We never planned things because of our schedules and for us to be both spending our weekend off together is such a blessing. He cooked meals for me and we heard the Easter mass together. Truly, "La vita e bella."

4. I'm blessed with friends including those in the blogosphere who wished me well. Thanks for the patience too in following my posts even if at times I'm feeding you with my own garbage.hehe

5. I'm blessed with mentors, co-workers and patients who contributed a lot to my knowledge and growth as a physician.

6. While texting with Mom today, she reminded me that the Big Guy Upstairs can't say "No" to me. She told me that every prayer and request that I had were all granted in His own time. That I have this special line to His office upstairs with zero backlogs. Hmmm, I'm starting to believe that He's spoiling me.hehe

There are a lot more things to say here. These 6 things however are enough to remind me how special I am. More than enough to let me forget those things, that made me sad, I've previously listed.

Thanks for the 31 years, Bro! My apologies if instead of saying my thank you's during my special day, You heard my whinings.tee-hee

The Cost of Training

2009-04-03T19:52:00.001+08:00

Today, I'm adding another year into my earthly existence. Happy birthday to me...not. As others look forward to their birthdays, this year, I dreaded for this day to come. As it is about to end four hours from now, i can say that this is the worst or shall we say the saddest birthday I had. I might have spent several birthdays away from home when I was in medical school but this day's different. Not even my current housemates know that it's my day today.

Is this the cost of training? I might say that this is good for just two years but just a month old in training already made me ask myself if I am threading in the right path. People my age who aren't doctors in profession are already married by this time. Doctors I know who are in a relationship or who are single are in a hurry to get hitched. Here's my morphine on the other hand who directly or indirectly been bugging me about the getting hitched thing - though without the engagement ring yet. (The reason why I'm not taking him seriously.) Him, bringing up the topic on getting married however make me feel that I am quite abnormal for at present, I am putting this training in the front seat with me. Other girlfriends have been waiting for years for their boyfriends to talk about this thing yet here I am, sounding so defensive.

As a consequence of this training, I am celebrating my birthday alone. Away from my family, away from my friends, away from my morphine and I AM NOT happy. Calls aren't enough to wash away the loneliness. I am never this way. I have never been this pathetic. I don't know but when I am in the hospital, I seem to like my job. I love the subspecialty I'm training in. When I enter into an empty room though in my apartment, I realize how alone I am in this jungle I am in. Dog eats dog. Noone seems to care for anybody. Everyone seems mechanical and academic to me. Everyone is in quest for knowledge and learning. Not a warm single soul. I don't know, or this could be just a product of my altered perception.

Here are some reasons why this is the saddest birthday I had. At least, I couldn't blame my PMS for feeling this way because of these factors: I AM SPENDING THIS BIRTHDAY...
1. away from home
2. away from my morphine
3. without my friends
4. sick...literally, the doctor is sick for two days now
5. with people i just knew and worked with
6. in a place like Manila
7. on a Friday of Lent which for us Catholics is a day of...FASTING! Great!

Well, aren't these points valid enough for me to whine in this blog? What a good post to share with friends who missed reading them.hehe

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This I have always to remember. I'm sure this too shall pass once this PMS is over.hehe

The Appeal

2009-02-22T23:04:00.000+08:00

I WAS a self-confessed cry baby. I cried over sappy movies. I cried everytime my parents would reprimand me for a wrong doing. I cried over small stuffs. All these I admit were happening in the past. As I grew older and became more mature in experience, I learned to control my tear dams. I learned to choose the things that deserve my precious tears. I still am a cry baby – a more disciplined cry baby. Disciplined for I only let my tears dams open when I’m alone. I only cry when noone is watching.

This is not a sappy post. It’s just that recently, I always cry myself to sleep. PMS? Geez! It’s too early to implicate my monthly PMS again. Homesickness? Nah! I don’t think I am that homesick that I would cry over it. Lovelife related? Not even. I might miss my Morphine but not enough to let my tear ducts function. Toxicity with work? I can’t remember a time that toxicity with work would put me into tears.

Brace yourselves. I don’t want to sound preachy here but there’s just one thing that break my tears dam open. Yep! Even in public. What more when I’m alone? Every time I remember how blessed I am, I can’t help but cry. Every time I remember those answered prayers, I would always feel this painful thing in my chest that can only be relieved by crying. This is how shallow I am.

Now, is this rationalization again enough why I wanted a place to stay here in Manila where I could be alone? You see, most of the places here offer bed spaces and I’m not really used to this kind of set-up especially if I will be sleeping with a stranger. My autism requires a place where I could be on my own. I could cry without someone wondering what’s happening to me. Where I could cry without someone sympathizing for what I’m feeling for in reality, I cry out of gratefulness and happiness and not of something worth sympathizing.

I’m soooo comfortable in this apartment where I am in right now. I’m staying here for free but the place is just too big for me and the actual rent if the owner is not my friend, costs almost all of my monthly stipend (which might come soon and when I say soon, 6 months from now would be the earliest.hehehe) Maybe tonight I could cry over this concern. I would ask the Great Architect to give me a very good place to stay. If He’s going to let me stay in this place, then may He touch the owner to let me rent this place at a very cheap price. I am just a poor fellow. Other general practitioners earn way way better than I do. I believe that I’m too loved by Him though that He can’t help but grant this petty request of mine.

***

Actually, this is an appeal to my dear friend (you know who you are). I would even want to provide a link here to his blog. For privacy reasons though, I decided not to. He reads my posts and I know he can read this. You’ll know who he is if he can’t help but leave a comment in my comment box.hehe

Dear friend, have a heart. Do me good and you’ll have good karma all your life.haha How’s our deal going? Can I hear a yes? *wink wink*

Prayer Time

2009-02-18T23:59:00.003+08:00

It's my 3rd day in training today. I can say that I'm slowly adapting to the system though my legs are complaining already. At present, though I'm making rounds with lesser patients than when I was having my residency training, I'm making rounds in a hospital that's almost 5x the area than the hospital where I came from. I checked earlier how my legs look now. I'm happy to announce that they haven't turned from legs into "logs" yet. When I say logs, they look straight, complete with varicosities. I've got short legs and I couldn't imagine how ugly they'll look if they turn into logs.

I find time to let these legs rest while watching the news and the rest of the primetime dramas. As an expert in multi-tasking too, I use this time to browse on my notes and read up on some topics in my fave book (who else but Morphine's only competitor - Harrison). I have no subspecialty book yet so I'm once again bonding with Harrison.

After this, I proceed with my "prayer time". Multi-tasking again, my prayer time is coupled with another task...

Yep yep! I'm doing my own laundry!!! Mom would be very proud of me once she gets to find this out!hehe I left the comforts of our home for this training and since I'm in a tight budget, I find it wiser if I do the laundry myself. Also, I'm too proud to ask allowance from my parents in this age of mine that I have to live with the meager savings that I have. I guess I've formulated enough rationalizations for not being able to find a nearby laundry shop.hehe

Seriously, I consider this as an achievement too! I wouldn't dare "wash my dirty linens in public"...I mean post about this laundry thing if I'm not proud of what I'm doing.hehehe Though I know how to do the laundry and ironing, I grew up having someone to do these for me. This opportunity right now of living on my own gave me this feeling of "independence and freedom" and this feeling is giving me a high. It's like I could do the extremes. I can be a doctor and an "inday" at the same time. I can diagnose and manage complicated patient's diseases and I too can scrub and squeeze-dry my clothes.

Doing the laundry is a new destressor for me. In between praying and washing, I get to reflect on the events of the day. I get to reflect on my toxicity and at the same time on my blessings. I get to think about my plans in the future and pray about them. I think about the special people who are sent into my life to help me grow and to enjoy life. I tend to forget how tired I was during the day for I still can manage to do my laundry. I also realize that I'm too blessed still despite of my depreciating bank account. Anytime, I can always look for a laundry shop to do my laundry for me. Yet, we have sisters or brothers who can never pass on the job even if they no longer want to do it. These thoughts are enough to help make me feel better and give me a goodnight sleep.

Surviving Day 1

2009-02-17T00:12:00.002+08:00

There are too many things to talk about. Too many stories and experiences to tell about my 1st day in my prefellowship training but I ran out of words to describe them. Truth be told but people say that the subspecialty I chose is one of the benign ones. I'm just wondering though if it's just my toxicity or it's but normal to experience this for a first timer like me. I feel so overwhelmed...so toxic. There's just one thing that I'm very thankful for...I SURVIVED day 1!

If this blog will once again collect dust and cobwebs, It meant I'm struggling with my current training and still juggling with my time. I shall be coming back though. This is my trash bin remember? I'll surely be unloading my trash here in order to maintain my sanity.hehehe

Repaid

2009-02-15T20:21:00.003+08:00

I'm supposed to post this yesterday. Due to limited load though, I decided to call off the plan. I can't help but to really blog about how I was repaid for something I did. It was quite strange but that's how I perceived everything that happened.

So I left Bacolod for Manila yesterday. Since I'll be staying here for quite some time, I brought my cabinet with me...well, almost. I've had a difficulty which clothes to leave and which ones to bring that I had a hard time letting all of my stuffs fit in two traveling bags. I realized that I'm not going to a remote area and that I could buy stuffs that I'll be needing anytime in Manila. Despite this, I knew that my stuffs exceeded the free baggage allocation of the airline I'm taking. I went online to check if I still could avail of their prepaid excess baggage promo that's 20% less than the airport's rate. It was no longer available though.

True to my estimate, I had an excess of 9 kilograms. The current rate for excess baggages nowadays is 100php/kg. In short, I have to shell out 900 freaking bucks! Was about to pay the counter when someone from behind me came upfront and offered me his ticket. He has no baggage he said and he assumed my excess baggage. Boy was I relieved! In appreciation for what he did I offered to buy him coffee instead. Even if I'll spend more than a hundred bucks for coffee, that's nothing compared to the amount that I'm supposed to pay the airline company.

He was at first hesitant but I was persistent. I was very grateful for what he just did. While having coffee and during the middle of our conversation, he offered me a book to read. I was surprised with what I saw...

Mother Teresa's face smiling at me! Strange but I'm thinking that Mother Teresa must have repaid my services through the man I met! I visited the Missionaries of Charity's "home" the day before I left for Manila for another free clinic. The sisters promised to pray for me and their prayers where immediately answered. What I did was I guess no longer a free clinic at all. My professional fee cost 900 bucks to be more exact converted to a free excess baggage fee!hehehe

Woohoo!

2009-02-15T00:11:00.006+08:00

I'm blogging live in Manila!hehehe I'm staying in an apartment without a wireless network and no internet connection. So I went to the mall this afternoon to buy a prepaid internet kit. Unfortunately, or I shall call it FORTUNATELY, the ATM machines had long queues. Also, since it's the day of hearts, the mall was so crowded and it made me sick. Impatient that I am, I didn't push thru with my "impulsive" plan of buying the said kit. Besides, I've been roaming around the mall and almost got lost but I haven't found a store selling the kit I was looking for. Things must have happened for a purpose.

Since I still can't sleep and I miss the cyberworld (addict eto!), the autistic me thought of an idea. Ting! Why not try use my cellfone as a modem? Since I have a prepaid number, I tried using it. I'm afraid that I might not be able to monitor my internet consumption should I use my postpaid line.

I love troubleshooting stuffs and so far, I haven't put something or someone in trouble by tinkering on techie stuffs I'm not familiar with. There's a different adrenaline rush when I can solve and fix things on my own first before asking for professional help.hehehe Tinker here...tinker there...click this button here eventhough I can't understand some of the jargons. They're not found in any medical books you know. Click OK even if I don't understand the command, etcetera and Tadaaaan! My eyes widened when I saw my active connection! I was able to successfully connect to the internet and post this blog! This saved me more than 2,000 bucks for an internet prepaid kit! Read my lips...that's two thousand bucks and that's how big savings it is for a bum like me!hehe

I'm sooooooooooo happy for this new discovery! Woohoo! One disadvantage though. I'm in a hurry posting this blog. I only have a few pesos in my prepaid load and I don't have any idea until when this connection will last.hehehe

He is Faithful

2009-02-12T07:44:00.002+08:00

"I alone know the plans I have for you. Plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster. Plans to bring about the future you hope for. Jer. 29:11"

This, I kept on repeating to myself before I slept last night. I have been blogging about the agony of waiting for my exam result. Today, I woke up with the news that will determine my future. The softdrink can was right...err I mean, He (who talked to me through that can) was right. THERE IS NO PLAN B!

For all the prayers and support, thank you very much. This post is for the Great Architect upstairs who has been faithful to me all along even if I am not to Him. I couldn't thank Him more for all the blessings that really overwhelm me each time. Our Department Chairman told me that only 22% passed the said exam. The lowest ever according to him. To quote Santino though in MBP (May Bukas Pa)..."maniwala ka lang." I was a doubting Thomas I guess or maybe I don't want to be too complacent that's why I was anxious. Today, I woke up with a sigh of big relief. I'm overwhelmed for I MADE IT!

To Bro (the Great Architect's nickname), I'm giving you back all the Glory! Thank you po!

Cent-iments

2009-02-10T23:29:00.005+08:00

Today's another milestone in my medical career. For today, I received my first professional fee as a private practitioner! Woohoot! After a week's work, the surgical patient I'm co-managing is already for discharge so the pf. It's not that much. It's just like earning cents compared to what I was previously earning every month. I would even be eligible for tax exemption for earning the minimum wage. This first pf though has a sentimental value for the following reasons:

1. It's a proof to what I've been claiming to my parents that should I become a doctor, I may not get rich but I'll never grow hungry.
2. It's my gauge of the kind of service that I delivered to my patient. The real fee that she has prepared for me was actually twice the said amount. It was even her who gave me the price of my services. I politely refused to receive it in full. It was enough that she overestimated the monetary value of my patient care.
3. It made me feel fulfilled once again. The amount I received didn't matter. It made me feel more fulfilled as a physician seeing my patient improved and ready to go home to her family.
4. In short, it is an affirmation that treating the sick was the main driving force when I took this path. The pf's or salaries I'll be getting for my services will be considered as bonuses or prizes to myself for a job well done.
5. It's another manifestation of what Divine Providence is all about.

Believe it or not, I'm supposed to laminate it.hehehe Okaaay I'm exaggerating. It occupies a good place in my wallet now. Bound not to be spent no matter what. If I don't, I'll surely never run out of cash in my wallet...now this makes them as my lucky bills.hehehe

It's In the Can

2009-02-09T20:34:00.003+08:00

Two weeks have passed since I took the diplomate board exam. Still, I am uncertain about the result of the said exam that I've been putting all my plans on hold. Am I really meant for subspecialization training or should I take a rest and have a time of my life for a year? My senior residents are already expecting me to join them in Manila. Here I am though, confused and still praying for the best. People have been telling me that I will make it - I just don't have enough confidence though. Is it lack of faith or simply a coping mechanism so as I won't get disappointed?

This exam is another determining factor in my medical career. Should I pass it, I shall pursue subspecialization training. This, I have been planning since several years ago in my so called Life plan. I felt very definite about this plan not until after I took the boards. I didn't realize that I will feel this uncertain about my future. I didn't even have an alternative plan in case I can't make it. People who know me say that it's in the bag that I must not worry. I don't know what's with me that I can't help but think about it and I usually refute them.

At present, I'm thinking about plan B in case subspecialization is not possible for this year. All my life, I have been planning everything that I would like to do. Not to the point of being an ob-c though. An obsessive compulsive I mean. I am not that organized but I too am not a scatter brain. Well, the Great Architect must have gone tired in assuring me of my future through the people I meet or the books I read. People tend to be more comforting and sympathizing just so to help make you feel better and books are made to usually help you feel better. This I always rationalize. So the Big Guy who holds His office upstairs didn't run out of ideas. He even used a softdrink can in reminding my stubborn self that I should expect for all good things. Who could refute an aluminum can? I'm silent now.

The Enlightened Bum

2009-02-07T00:02:00.004+08:00

I have been whining about my "bumminess" here. Alright, there's no such word in the English dictionary but it's just another word in my vocabulary, for being a bum is currently my business. A week has passed and I'm still a bum. This time though, an enlightened bum. Today, I felt that I can do great things despite of being a bum. I realized that I can make extraordinary things out of this ordinary and boring life that i currently have.

Today, I'm highlighting entry #13 in my Revised 49 Things. There's no such thing as a coincidence but the moment that I felt the urge to fulfill entry #13, I immediately called up the missionary sister that I met once in the hospital and asked for a schedule. The schedule that I have in mind was a Friday and to my surprise, I really am needed for the said day.

So out of my usual extended bedtime, I woke up earlier today for today's mission. Off to the Missionaries of Charity I went for a free clinic. Kids and adults were there waiting in a queue for free medications. It's their dispensary day and the nuns there were giving out free anti tuberculosis medications for indigents patients. It's my second time in that place but seeing the nuns and the patients all together, I fell in love with the place all over again. I'm sorry. I didn't take pics. I just don't feel like it. I mean...I don't find it proper. I abhor individuals who go to medical missions or charity works for photo ops. Also, if it's for blogging purposes, I respect the privacy of the residents and patients of the said institution. Enough for rationalizations now for not having a pic to post here. Alright, I took a pic! Just one pic. I find these kids cute. Look at them seated on a high chair that can accommodate 5 kids! (picture edited for privacy reasons again)

I get to see a number of patients. After that, one of the nuns there toured me around the area. I felt different when I was there. Here I am, a bum, meeting other fellow bums. Yet these bums helped me realize a lot of things. I may be temporarily out of job but here I am, in the midst of the "real" unemployed. There were adults there too. Left by their families under the care of the nuns there. These kids have parents actually but their parents can't support them. In this place though, they can eat three square meals a day plus afternoon snacks. They have a warm, clean bed to lay their backs and they have "mothers" who take care of them.

When I asked the nuns on how they could sustain their residents there? They rely on Divine Providence, was their answer. Truly, Divine Providence manifested right before my very eyes. While consulting a patient, an SUV entered the compound and the woman driver asked one of the helpers to take the two sacks of rice from the car. She's a regular benefactor according to the nuns. The medications there too were in gallons and in bulk. Most came from donations. The food that the children were eating was a complete meal. Better I'm sure than the ones that they'll be eating in their own homes.

I felt blessed being with them. I may be deprived of employment now, but these people were deprived of a lot of things. The most important of which is the gift of family. All of them including the missionary sisters there were not with their families. The small community that's thriving there though served as one big happy family for each one of them. I have a family to go home to. Food in my table and a warm soft bed. What more can I ask for?

I felt hopeful. Hopeful that everyday, Divine Providence shall come to provide my needs.
Hopeful that everything that's happening in my life is all under the Great Architect's plans for me. Hopeful for the current residents there too. That someday, they may be reunited with their own families.

I felt useful. Despite of claiming that I am bum, I was given the faculties and the ability to treat the sick. Even the talent to make old people and kids laugh. My being unemployed was used by the Great Architect as a blessing to these people. I've been waiting for this experience. It's just that work got in the way. Now that my time is mine, today's an opportunity and I'm glad that I didn't let it pass.

I felt enlightened. It wasn't I who was a blessing to these people. Rather, I was the one who's truly blessed for meeting them. In the silence of my heart, now being immortalized here in this blog, I'm committing myself to serve the community there over and over again...bum or bum-no-longer, it would no longer matter.

The Bum

2009-02-03T23:30:00.004+08:00

The Bum Effect. Morphine and I
(An example of what I've been doing to pass away time. Thanks to Garando for the link to Weeworld...should have asked him to make me one of these avatars like what he has in his site. But the little sister is now a lady...more independent and resourceful this time.hehehe)

I am a part of the statistic! Geez! Officially, I am a part of the 40,000 unemployed Filipinos! While waiting for the result of the brain-whacking specialty board exam, I realized that being a bum at home would definitely get the life out of me. It didn't just drain the money out of my savings, it also drained my brain from doing nothing. I have to get moving and to let those brain cells, that requested for a break after the nose-bleed exam, work again.

After giving my brain and body a week's rest, I started to ask myself what's with being a bum or unemployed that made other people love it? I'm not referring to those who searched but can't find a job. I'm referring to those who considered being a bum as a job. In other words,"Tamad!" I wanted a surge of adrenaline which I got from playing counterstrike. Oooops...I'm human! I play computer games. It's just that the feeling of excitement doing it was superficial and fleeting. Thus the reason why I wondered why there are still a number of Filipinos who preferred to be bums.

The result of the specialty board will be another turning point not just in my medical career but in my life as a whole. All my plans are on hold right now. It will determine if I should pursue a subspecialization training or not. Granting that I didn't make it, then I have to think of other options. I just don't want to be a bum for another year and I don't think that my savings could sustain me for the year. So while waiting for the verdict, I started to let my fingers moving. Texted fellow physicians who were teasing me before if I can already accept referrals while I was still in training. This time, I was the one who teased them if they still have those referrals.hehe Surprisingly, I had several. A senior resident was even kind enough to offer her clinic space where I could see my patients - for free.hehe I had fun seeing patients again. I felt good letting my brain cells wake up from slumber.

I may still be a part of the statistic. Unemployed, yes, but not broke. I'm starting to give justice to what I said to my parents before I started my premed course in college. "Just help me become a doctor and I'll never go hungry."hehe I may not be earning as much as what I'm receiving before, but in my 2nd day of answering referrals, I know that what I'll be earning can sustain me for the meantime. Far better than staying and be a bum at home.

So, for parents and future parents out there, should you plan to let your kids pursue a medical degree, never expect for return of investments after he/she graduates. Rather, expect for more shelling out of investments. Expect that they will still ask you for some allowance or baon. Which I refrained from doing...I've got pride, you know! Reread the previous paragraph.hehe When will this ROI come? I still have to determine.hehe What matters for now is that I'm living out my childhood dream..."I wanted to become a doctor to serve the sick especially the poor." (barf bag please...) My first out-patient for the week actually was a pro bono since I don't know how and I feel uncomfortable to charge.hehehe Well, should I run out of cash and savings, I can deliver those favorite lines when I was in high school, to my parents."Alms, give me some alms...I am poor!"

Honesty is the Best Policy

2009-01-30T23:21:00.006+08:00

Ha-ha-ha-hachoooooo! Sniff! Sniff! I'm sorry for my absence. This blog has collected dust and webs again.hehe Just got back from the battlefield and my brain is literally drained. I've got too many things to blog about but I'm just too damn tired to write about it.hehe

Well, Garando woke me up from my slumber so here goes my 1st blog after being back from my so called hiatus.hehe Presenting, my first award from the blogosphere!tee-hee

"This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion is brilliant."

Well, what can I say but thank you. To Garando, who happens to be my high school big brother, Manong, is there a bias here? Maybe we're just friends that's why I get to receive this award.hehehe Been in the blogosphere since what? 3-4 years ago? It's just now that my "trash" gets to be recognized.hehe Hmmm is it because people nowadays are starting to love "trash" in order to save mother earth?hehe Nah! Like you, I wanted to maintain a low profile status...hehe Unlike your blog though that can entertain the public, my posts can irritate them. Who would love to read somebody else's trash?hehe

My big thanks also goes to fellow bloggers who believed that they can get something from what I dump here.hehe Don't you worry guys. As a physician, I'm trying my best that the trash i'm posting here is good for public consumption. The rest remain as drafts - I just post them in order to let things out of my system. Other than that, I don't let anyone read them unless you have an access to those drafts.hehe Rest assured, what you're reading here won't give you a heart attack or stroke. The most that you can get is a heavy heart but not to the extent of having an infarction.hehe

So do I need to post 10 Honest things about me too?hehe Well, here it goes...

1. I'm barely five feet tall...that's why when I was in high school, I don't stand next to Garando.hahaha
2. I don't eat big fishes...blue marlin...tuna...fish are friends people, not food.hehe
3. I started school when I was barely 2 years old and I graduated from school when I was 25. Yet at 30, I'm still taking those brain whacking exams.
4. I have an allergy to seafood but I love seafood! So antihistamines never leave my bag.
5. Since I grew up with boys, I'm more comfortable with guys than with kikay girls...Ooops i'm straight I just happen to be one of the boys.
6. I don't like drunk people...synonymous to letting alcohol reign their reason and intelligence?
7. I grew up in a "No boyfriend policy when still in school".
8. That's why...Morphine is my first "official" boyfriend..with emphasis on the official...hehe
9. I bake, I cook, I just have no time for it.
10. I've been wanting to become a spinster.hahaha

Can I give the award again to the giver? Will you post another honesty entry, manong?hehehe I'll give this award to my friends in "My Blog List." These are the blogs I often visit.

The rules:

When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to said person so everyone knows he or she is real.

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have 7 friends. Show the 7 random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Weblog.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. List at least ten honest things about yourself. Then, pass it on!

The New Entry

2009-01-11T16:08:00.002+08:00

I have a blank entry in my 49 things. Today, I decided what I should place in #11. I must have a grade of at least B+ in my Lakbayan list! I need more Mindanao trips! Will a trip to Basilan give me a B+ instantly?hehehe

My Lakbayan grade is C! (I am EMBARRASSED! Sob!)

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

Thanks to the creator of Lakbayan...at least I know how far I have to go for my Wow Philippines adventure.hehe Save! Save! Save! Oh, before anything else, I must have a NikonD40 before the trip!hehehe Save! Save! Save! Save More!

Let's Get Morbid

2009-01-08T02:09:00.003+08:00

When I was younger, I could remember talking with some co-morbid friends about death. We were talking about our death wish. That time, I wished that I would want to die in my sleep. Dying in one's sleep was I thought painless. You just didn't wake up the next day, that's all. So I thought. Until I personally witnessed a friend's death - in his sleep. I didn't realize that no one just die in their sleep for no reason. There must be a cause why this now cadaver failed to breath.

Wallah! What am I talking here? I am morbid I admit. Actually I believe that death is something that we must face. It's inevitable and it's a fact of life. It's just that we manage not to mind it because of the pain that it might bring to us or to our loved ones. Being in the health profession helped me in a way to embrace death and to befriend it. So the reason why I could talk about it anytime I want to without the goosebumps or eerie feeling. I don't mean though that by embracing death, we could take our own life into our own hands.

My apologies, this is another after effect of reading several chapters from Harrison's. Not to mention the news I read from inq7.net early today. Two cases of suicide! Both were business tycoons...one a million, the other a billionaire. What a great news to start my day. Been wanting to blog about it early today but I just don't want to start my day about morbidities.

In the hospital where I worked, we fought death to the last breath for our patients and their families. We valued life even that of a patient without a name. I just can't help but be affected by that news on suicide. These happened in two different continents in a matter of hours. I'm not so sure if they know each other that they planned to die on the same day. What saddened me though was the fact that the German billionaire was already in his 70's. The time when you're supposed to enjoy what remains of your good old life while waiting for your recall. He couldn't wait that long though. I'm not judging them and they don't even know me so what they heck. I'm just concerned about a life that's lost. That's all.

After picking some knowledge and wisdom on the road in my life's journey, my wish of dying has changed. I don't want to die in my sleep. I realized that for death to be less painful and scary, one must be prepared for it. How can I be prepared or my loved ones be prepared about my own death if I simply don't wake up the next day? So my wish would be I would want to die of a chronic disease. You know, you already have an idea ahead of time that your days are counted. By slowly memorizing Harrison's here, I could name a lot! A whole lot! The reason why I still can't decide what disease I would like. I just wish that the chronicity of my disease will not render me ugly, demented and debilitated. I don't want my family to suffer the consequences of such wish of dying from a chronic disease. Wiping my behind? Giving me bath? Feeding me via a nasogastric tube? (Aaaack!) If this happens, then "chronic" will have a new definition of 3 days.

Maybe when I say chronic and non-debilitating, I still have my full faculties to do what I want. A 3 or 6-month notice would be enough for me to prepare my last will, to say my thank you's to people I owe my deepest gratitude. To say "i love you" to the people I value. "I'm sorry" to the people I might have caused pain. To spend more time with the people I will surely miss. To appreciate and complement the people around me. To value a small act of kindness and to do one every day of what remains of my time. To give someone a big bear hug or simply a pat on the shoulder. To smile, to laugh out loud for simple joys. To dance or to sing under the rain. To fulfill what I could do in my 49 things. Three months to enjoy life is like reminiscing my whole 30 years and summing them up in 3 months. Emphasizing the value of quality of life over it's quantity.

I'm talking too much here. In simple words, I just want to share a New Year's promise that I made with myself: To be more expressive with what I feel and not to deprive the people I love with what's due to them. In this way, I know I can never be sorry whether I'll die in my sleep or in 3 months' time of a chronic illness. Definitely not suicide.

PMS Overdrive

2009-01-06T20:09:00.004+08:00

Exactly 19 days from now, I'll be facing another challenge in my medical career. The specialty boards is giving me this big pressure...bigger than the one I felt during the medical board exam. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Expectations from a lot of people maybe? I'm reviewing a sample board question and boy! I didn't expect some of the questions to be very specific. I feel so inadequate and unprepared now. Two volumes of Harrison's is just too much to handle if I feed my teenie weenie brain with all the data and information that I can get from it. I'm afraid I might die of indigestion!

I know it! This is once again another PMS attack. Labile emotions, senti moments, active tear glands, minus the irritability, for the month of January. You see, I've been seated on this bed for weeks now with good ol' Harrison in front of me. The only contact I have with my immediate outside world is when I join the family for meals. Other means would be the cellphone beside me and of course, the blogosphere and the cyberworld when sleepiness overpowers me. Therefore, I have a great time of my life being in touch with my emotions. Imagine me wiping off some tears while watching a supposed to be romantic-comedy this afternoon. Inappropriate affect? Ugh!

All the anxieties, all the fears, all the pressures, plus my PMS attack, they're enough to open my tear dams. So spare this cry-baby for now. I'm just drawing some strength from my inner child. This is a personal battle I believe. Mom feels so sorry that she can't be of help to me. Prayers is all that she could offer and I do need it most. Morphine too feels helpless. I hope he can make it here during his break. His presence is more than enough to give me strength. Comforting myself, I saw this whiteboard right beside my bed. Written five years ago during my med school days, I cried even more after reading what I wrote. After that crying bout though, I felt so relieved from whatever it is that brings heaviness to my heart. I began to reminisce those times when I was so down and I wrote this. I was also very anxious if I could really make it through medical school that time.

Fast forward five years to the present, I'm done with residency training. I made it through medical school and the medical boards and I made it through residency training. So for the specialty boards, I expect for all good things...I have to expect for all good things. Yep! This too shall pass! This PMS too shall be over...soon! Big Dad loves this cry-baby more than I do. I have to remember.

Oh, this needs a chocolate fix. There's that big bar of Hershey's in the ref downstairs! Yahoo!

2009-01-03T20:48:00.003+08:00

I'm tired. Been very busy the whole day preparing for a party. I don't even have enough energy left to post how the party was and what it was all about. All I can say right now is that I'm not minding what I feel at all. This isn't even enough for what she has done for me all through these years. For the sweetest and the most understanding mom in the world, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You just don't know how thankful I am of you.

By the way Nay, here's to answer that one thing you've been worrying about me.
"It's not that I would want to remain single or I don't want to get married. I want to be an understanding and loving wife to my husband, like you are to Tatay. I want to raise my kids the way that you did to us. I want my family to be like ours. Fact is, I just feel that I still fall short of being like you. Thanks for everything and I love you!"

The Ingrate

2009-01-02T14:07:00.002+08:00

WARNING: Bitchy post ahead. I'm sorry to spoil your new year but I just can't help posting this. Anyway, you always have an option not to read this.

I'm fuming right now and I need this thing out of my system as a damage-control measure. Blog! Blog! Blog! I need to express this through this blog! For you see, just a few minutes ago, I heard a news that's not really good to the ears...and heart. It came from my parents so I'm ruling out gossip here.

There's this woman who serves in the church with my parents. She has a history of urinary bladder stone for several years now and has been scheduled for operation since then. Since she doesn't feel anything wrong with her system other than frequent episodes of urinary tract infection and dysuria (painful urination), she didn't consider the procedure, until recently when she was excruciating in pain and could no longer attend the church activities. She consulted at the hospital where I work and was given an ultrasound request. Lo and behold, a once thumb-size stone is now as big as a chicken egg. She's under the service of the Department of Surgery so there is no other way that I could manage this case. Ethics also prevents me from meddling with the plans of the said department.

The case scenario is that the patient was once again scheduled for operation. They have to wait however for a week. There were a number of cases ahead of them and though she's in pain, her case was not life-threatening. So the relatives of this patient came to me. For a sole purpose. For her operation be made earlier than the scheduled date. As a resident in Internal Medicine, what power do I have over her surgeons? I calmly told them that I can't help them on that matter. Even reassured them that if their patient was able to tolerate her condition for years, she could wait for a week for the said procedure. The best that I did was to endorse them to the Chief Resident of the Department of Surgery. Take note, not just a senior resident but the Chief Resident himself. He even facilitated their clearances and schedule and all.

So this Ingrate underwent the said operation and got well. Even saw her during the New Year mass the other night. Sensitive that I am though, I felt that she was cold to me. Before, she would even hug me just to greet me. How couldn't she? I was supplying her with her antibiotics every time she's having another UTI. Even gave her all my sample medications for stones. This afternoon however, I heard from mom a distorted story. I allegedly "scolded" this Ingrate's relatives when they came to me - according to the Ingrate. I never scold my patients and my parents know me. Just because I wasn't able to help them with their demands, they would make up stories against me? Oh, they even told my parents about it. I'm really scared! WTF! Pardon for the acronyms. Actually what I mean is What's The Froblem?

Mom understanding that she is, explained things to her during their talk. Dad was silent. I know what he feels. Got some of his attitude because I was feeling the same thing. I'm more vocal though. My parents reassured me that everything's ok and that things were settled with the Ingrate. I must not mind them. No, but no! I'm not done yet. After all those help I've extended to her, because of just one request that I denied her, for it was really out of my jurisdiction, they would do that to me? To think these people who made up stories were even greeting me when I see them in church! Phonies! I wanted to meet them and to tell them to their face how ungrateful and immature people they are! It's ok if they are ungrateful so long as they don't character assassinate me out of their ungratefulness.

Sometimes, I would even love to serve and to help strangers. People I don't know. At least these patients are less demanding and are more grateful for even the little things that you do for them. I'm not expecting anything from my service to other people. I'm not even demanding for a Thank You. What I just want is justice. For them to be fair and not just to think about themselves. They're old enough to know what being fair is. I'm just disheartened to know that they are not.

I'm a bit relieved! My spirit is quite dampened though. At least my baby sister has her way of making me laugh. "Ate, you forgot? They sent you to medical school?" Wahahaha. Ah yep! I must be the one who must feel grateful to these people. They contributed a lot to my medical education. Tsk Tsk If they only knew how my parents struggled for my medical education. If there are people who could demand things from me, it's only my parents. Yet, my folks were even more considerate in asking favors from me. These ingrates though? Ugh! They're supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...I know...I know....I just have to understand them. Until when?

Something that Reminds Me Of

2009-01-01T21:56:00.004+08:00

I soooo love these months. Nopes! Not the holidays. Spare me of the traffic, congested malls, unending parties and non-stop mastication and gastronomic exercises, puh-lease. I'm referring to the weather. Cold, cloudy, windy, and yep! windy - minus the rain. I've mentioned from another post that the "wind" deserves another entry so this one.

Something that reminds me of. Yep! The wind reminds me of something. I don't know what it is with the wind for like me, who is a walking irony of things, the wind too gives me those ironic feelings. I was in the mass last night and I was seated in my most comfortable seat in the chapel. Where else but the pew right next to the window grills. It's very strategic. I can see the altar and I'm seated next to the wall (autism qualification #1...avoids contact with a lot of people). At 9 o'clock in the evening, amidst the noise of the firecrackers and fireworks before the year ended, I felt so peaceful and comfortable. I can feel the wind in my face and it even gave me chills despite the fact that i'm wearing a jacket. This feeling was then followed by a very warm, comfortable and very secure feeling. A feeling as if someone so powerful hugged me very tight. Yep! Far more secure and comfortable than my morphine's bear hugs.

Ahhhh life! I may not know what lies ahead of me this year but last night, I just had a very warm bear hug from the Big Guy Upstairs. He knows the chaos that's going on in my mind and my heart right now. He knows my apprehensions and fears. He knows that I needed comfort and assurance for the New Year. Through the wind, He reminded me that everything's going to be okay. In my journey with life, I might feel cold and scared, but His hug is always there to tell me that I'm safe and I shall pass through things unscathed and unharmed.

As I'm posting this blog, I find inspiration from the wind that's blowing through my window. Cold yet comforting...it is calling me to bed faster than the aircon. Ugh! Which reminds me. I still need to talk with Harrison here beside me.

A blessed New Year everyone!

With Open Arms

2008-12-30T23:37:00.004+08:00

Another year's about to end and with it is the closing of another chapter in my career. I'm done with residency training! Woohoo! After four long years...ummm, a few months in addition, I'm done with training - NOT! Huwaaat?hehehe I'm just comforting myself people. I'm just done with residency training. As I close this chapter, I'm bound to another chapter of my career. Tadaaan! God-willing, that would be another two years of subspecialty training! Ugh!

So maybe you guys are counting now. After two years of nursery, six years of grade school, four years of high school, four years of college, four years of medical school, one year of internship and four years of residency, now another two years of subspecialty, you might ask,"When will I earn the bucks?" or "When will I stop asking bucks from my parents?" or "When will family life come in here?" or "When will I stop training?" etcetera etcetera. This, my friends, is the gist of the life of a doctor minus the toxicity and drama of every 24-hr sleep-deprived duties.

Why am I counting all these years? Counting all these years is like counting all my blessings! I didn't mean to sound melodramatic here but who would have thought that my parents could support me all these times? Imagine a newly-wed couple who even borrowed money from their parents after their wedding for a jeepney fare? That's how my parents started their family life. Yet, they were able to send all four of us to school! Who else deserves the gratitude first but them.

Next in line would be my teachers, mentors, consultants. I will not be able to earn this degree, treat the sick or touch a life without them. More than anyone else, they deserve the honor for selflessly devoting their time and knowledge in molding young doctors like me.

My alma maters would come in next. The public grade school I came from and the Greeney University where I got my secondary to Medical education. I will never forget the virtues of faith, hope and love that it inculcated in my being. These are the weapons that I brought along as I journeyed on in life.

Friends who have been with me all the way. I don't make enemies but I only have a few friends...very close ones. People who knew the autistic side of me and believed that I could do great things despite of being figuratively, petite.

My understanding family. We just had our family reunion on my maternal side this afternoon and I met all the people who have been supportive to me if not financially, emotionally. My siblings who were there to cheer me up when toxicity overpowers me.

Fellow bloggers who followed this blog and read all my trash. You just don't know how refreshing it is to unload my burden here especially when I was still in training. Reading your comments make me in a way in touch with the cyberworld. It lightens my spirit and helped me going.

Angels who disguised in other people's form just so to help me in my life's journey. Include my patients who were also my mentors. Of course to never forget some difficult and unreasonable patient's folks. They taught me lessons on patience and tolerance. I couldn't remember a time in my 30 years of existence that I really felt so down. There would always be someone who will help make life a bit kinder to me. Yep! Even in the midst of difficult and unreasonable patient's folks.hehe

My morphine who came unexpectedly in my time but right all along with that of the Great Architect. It really is different if you share your achievements with someone. At least someone will clap for me or tap my back for a good job other than myself. Tee-hee I guess he too is the reason why this blog has lesser entries this year. I found a new trash bin, that's why.hehe Kidding!

Who would forget the Great Architect who holds His office Upstairs? That Big Guy Upstairs who pampered me all throughout my existence. Who made life beautiful for me. If I worry over things like my upcoming exam or my subspecialty training it's because I'm thinking that I might not be able to do those difficult things well knowing how pampered I am. He has been making ways for me all the time and I can't even understand what's with me that He makes me feel so loved. Oh well, since I mentioned His love for me, this would be enough to throw all those worries away. Face the next year and next chapter of my life with open arms. Bring them on!

Happy New Year Everyone! Hope this New Year would remind us how truly blessed and loved we are.

Super Thankful

2008-12-28T21:51:00.013+08:00

Last year, I posted my 49 Things. Well, they are 49 things before I die...err I mean get married. In other words, I'll only get married once I'll be able to fulfill all of these.hehe I guess the year 2008 and the rest of my 30 years of existence were really great. I might not have the time to make a "Thank you" entry before the year ends, and since I felt the great comfort from the Big Guy upstairs during the mass this afternoon, it's but timely to be thankful right now. There's really something with the wind that makes me feel His presence. Well, this deserves another entry.

Anyway, as a review of my 49 things, here they are again. Just in case someone with a good heart reading this would grant me one request. A free trip maybe?hehe By the way, I realized that there are some entries here that changed in time. You know, change of priorities and plans, etcetera. I think it would be wiser if I modify them.hehe This is my list anyway. Who begs to disagree?hehe

Note: The green ones were fulfilled this year...the rest of the highlighted entries were already done.=) I couldn't thank Him more!=)

1. Go bungee jumping - still hoping! There's a zipline at Tagaytay I've heard. This could substitute.hehe
2. Go Skydiving - I'm not sure if there's one in Pampanga. I hope in 2009 this will be highlighted.hehe
3. Train in Neurology - hmmmm, change of plans...it's RHEUMATOLOGY. It's a subspec still.
4. Train in US - PGH is the wiser choice as of this time...blame the economy.hehe
5. Buy an Ipod
6. Get to Mindanao
7. Tour around Asia - can I count 1 trip as "around Asia" already? At least I started the ball rolling this year.hehe
8. Own a house by the sea - a "kubo" will suffice so long as it's by the sea.
9. Go to Disneyland - free tickets anyone?hehe
10. Publish a book - would having a blog be considered? (same question as last year's)
11. Compose a song - very far-fetched! I plan to put a new entry here! Think! Think!
12. Sponsor a scholar
13. Serve the Missionaries of Charity - already visited the place one time but the nuns were not around. At least I had an attempt.hehe
14. Go to Calcutta, India - after the bombing at Mumbai recently, I'm having a change of mind.hehe
15. Learn to drive - already have my student permit. wink* wink*
16. Own a car - house? car? which comes first? Hmmm, I'll think about this once I'm done with subspecialization.hehe
17. Go to Batanes - not during stormy season.
18. Go out on a real date - with my morphine alright...noone else.hehe
19. Do stargazing under the bora skies with someone special - hmmm, hopefully 2 years from now, this will be in highlight.
20. Travel with someone special - hehehe morphine and I's next plan...Amazing Race Asia! Of course I'm kidding! I was sleeping all the time during that 6-hour trip what more in longer ones.
21. Send my parents to a vacation - i mean a grand vacation. I have to win the lotto.
22. Help send a sibling to school
23. Own a Canon SLR camera - once there's a handy and light-weight one.hehe
24. Go parasailing
25. Be in two places at the same time
26. Write my autobiography - can a resume be counted as one?hehe
27. Learn to swim
28. Learn to ride a bike
29. Go scuba diving
30. Make a compilation of my pictures of sunsets
31. Travel out of the country with my family - will travel with mom be considered "family?"
32. Eat baskets of strawberries with salt
33. Do someone a favor everyday
34. Learn another dialect
35. Learn another language - french, spanish, italian, im still thinking
36. Meet the pope - i was at first referring to John Paul II - now we have a new pope!
37. Go to Rome
38. Ride a helicopter
39. Live on my own - INDEPENDENCE!!! (sooooooooooon!)
40. Travel to new places on my own
41.Have a rooftop garden complete with landscaping - overlooking the sea...with a very nice sunset view? isn't it lovely?hehe
42. Buy my parents their golden wedding rings - bought them silver rings during their 25th year i hope i could buy them their rings on their 50th...=)
43. Go white water rafting
44. Put up a foundation - my memorial foundation?=)
45. Surprise someone
46. Touch a life - i believe im doing this
47. Write my last will
48. Fall deeply in love - hmmm took the risk - finally...hehe My head still rules my heart though.
49. Commit without fear - still struggling on this one but morphine tells me I'm doing good.hehe

Hmmm, with the rate I'm running, the long-term plans I have here (see entry #42) and some far-fetched entries (see entry #11), I guess I'm really bound to get married at 49. Well, this is really what the list is for - to keep me from getting married.hehehe I mean, to think things over before I take the plunge. Unless of course I'll once again change them or I'll break my condition.hehe

What's With "W"?

2008-12-26T11:26:00.004+08:00

I'm having a break from Harrison's. This is in response to Garando's letter "W".hehe Just by the title alone, I already have 3 W's. Does this mean that I only need to post 7 things/names that start with W?hehe

1. Washington's Manual of Medical Therapeutics - another textbook that helped me through residency training
2. Webster's dictionary - i could remember it well that we were asked to bring this to school when i was in grade school. Pocket dictionaries were not allowed. Boy was it so heavy! (of course I omitted Merriam just so i could come up with a W...hehe)
3. Whoah! - one of my fave expressions
4. Whatever yaya ! - watch Bubble gang and you'll find out why this too is another fave of mine. Match this with upward rolling of eyeballs and a "W" hand sign.hehehe
5. Winston - my morphine's older brother.haha (nandamay ng iba.)
6. Westlife - one of the boy bands I liked as influenced by my baby sister.hehe
7. www. - can i count this as 3 entries?hehehe made life less boring for me.hehe
8. ward - one thing that I'm missing right now. Ironic but i miss the toxicity of residency.hahaha
9. Wilson - the brand of my tennis racket that's 16 years old already and is still functional.hehehe
10. WAIS - this is what Garando is. He didn't give me an X or a Z but he gave me a W.hahaha Peace, manong!

Now back to our regular programming...=)

p.s.
obviously, I love to show my reliable and dependable pairs in this blog. They deserve to be given credits here. I couldn't make rounds in the wards without them.hehe

A Peaceful Christmas to Everyone!

2008-12-25T22:25:00.009+08:00

For the holidays, all I wish for is Peace. Peace of mind and peace of heart. I guess by the number of blogs (a.k.a. trash) that I've posted just for this month, you can tell that I do need some peace. Peace from what? Aaaargh! It's the specialty board exam! And it's exactly a month from now! Pressure! Pressure!

Anyway, hope you'll find peace in these pictures. Took them on my flight to Bangkok early this year. Been wanting to take pictures of clouds while in a flight but I only have my camera phone with me all the time. Yep! A law abiding citizen that I am, I didn't attempt to turn my phone on even if it has a flight mode (which unfortunately is not allowed too...why the heck is this function added to our phones by the way?). Equipped with a digicam on my trip, I savored the moment of taking these cloudscapes. (Subtext: Picture me drooling over those cloud formations.)

A BLESSED AND PEACEFUL HOLIDAY SEASON EVERYONE!

My favorite. I'm using this as my wallpaper for Taffy and my fone.

When Will the Holidays Be Over?

2008-12-24T00:27:00.002+08:00

I was on my way to the hospital this afternoon and I didn't know that our city's got already a bumper to bumper traffic as early as 2 o'clock! Goodness gracious! When will the holidays end? A once 10-minute drive to the hospital now became almost 30 minutes!

As if the bumper to bumper traffic was not enough, there's a bumper to bumper traffic too at the mall! Walking through the alleys of the supermarket area at SM was like lining up for the counter. Was about to turbo broil a chicken for dinner but to my dismay, buying one dressed chicken and some veggies would take me more time than buying an already roasted chicken. Almost all of the counters there were open yet the carts and baskets were piling up. The express counter was not even standing to its name.

Took a breather in one of the bookstores there. Was about to buy gifts for friends and colleagues. I don't know why there were only a few people inside of it. Maybe it's with the name. It has Christian in it. No pun intended. I mean when people hear the word Christian or any religiosity to that matter, they become uncomfortable. It's Christmas but it's ironic that people missed what the name really is for. So there are only a few people buying books for gifts...I mean Christian books or stuffs? Maybe? Well, it's their choice. I just frequent this bookstore for gifts since even if I could buy cheap stuffs there, I find them valuable in essence. Oh, not to mention, there's no queue at the counter and there were only a few people there. Was tired though and my legs were killing me so I bought just one book before I decided to go home.

Met up with my youngest sister and we've decided that a roasted chicken is a better option than buying a dressed one. Actually, we just didn't have the energy left for cooking. As for the gifts I'm about to buy to friends and colleagues? Will be buying them as soon as the Holidays' over. Aaaargh! This is autism-overdrive at its purest!

What's With the G?

2008-12-24T00:11:00.002+08:00

So I'm joining the meme thing in blogosphere. Got this from Sheng and she gave me the letter G! I have to give her 10 names or things that starts with G....okay now, I'm thinking....

1. G - my middle initial (hehehe as if i'm really maintaining my hidden identity here.)
2. G - my department chairman's family name
3. God - i can always rely upon
4. good girl - this is what i always am especially when i'm asking something from the previous entry.
5. geriatric - most of my patients are
6. Garando - my highschool big brother.hahahaha sorry manong couldnt think of anything more
7. Garandee - Garando's wife...haha...now that makes 2 entries already...leaving me with only 3 more
8. good time - this is what i always do when i get bored being an autistic...mang good time ng ibang tao. wicked me!hehehe
9. Gabriel - the name i would like to have for my son...he's my guardian angel too based on the day i was born.
10. Grems (for Gremlin) - my nickname in our peer group. The rest are Manang (for manananggal), Bampi (Bampira), Were (Werewolf), and Miswa (Aswang)...weird name for a weird group I guess.hehe

Saved By the Piggy

2008-12-22T23:12:00.004+08:00

Why can't other people just do their work efficiently? I mean, if you were tasked to compute the employees' payroll and their taxes included, why can't you just do it correctly? I dont know if this has happened to other companies too but our accountant in the hospital failed to deduct our withholding taxes for the months of July and August because of adjustments chu-chu with the dependents of the taxpayers. Well, I really am not very knowledgeable when it comes to this. Been telling my sister (who happens to be an accountant) that I'll surely be needing her in the future to manage my finances (as if I really have a lot to count...I'm just being optimistic). Just so to make the long story short, the supposed to be withholding tax for July and August were deducted in my December's salary. Woohoo! Just when I'll be needing the bucks. Hey! It's Christmas! I'm not Uncle Scrooge so my loved ones and friends expect me to be giving them something.

There were rumors that came out that we will be receiving nothing for December. Great! How big will that salary deduction be for the withholding tax? My whole month of pay? Fortunately, got hold of my pay slip. The rumor was all wrong. Well, this is how rumors would run in a hospital I guess. At least I can withdraw some bucks from my ATM. To my surprise though, my withholding tax amounted to 8,+++ bucks! Well, part of it. Another 3,+++ bucks were deducted from my hazard pay. In other words, I paid around 11,+++ bucks for my taxes!

I'm a good citizen! I'm paying my taxes! Congratulations self! Oh, I also would like to share this award to our very efficient accounting department. I made a budget for the month and this included the gifts i have to buy for my inaanaks. Just when I made a budget, I became short of it! Good thing my piggy bank came in handy. Been planning to open it up for Christmas for the past years. Well, my god children will at least receive a little something from me...a piggy bank maybe?

I Heart Red

2008-12-20T02:01:00.003+08:00

I dont believe in horoscopes but being an Aries, RED is my lucky color. Ironic but I just dont like this color. Fact is, I'm now playing with other colors aside from my faves blue, white and black in my wardrobes...except RED. So if horoscopes are true, maybe I'm an unlucky Arian for you can never find anything red in my outfit. I find the color histrionic and flashy. That's all.

Tonight however, for my graduation, I wore a red dress! I defied my own rules and for the first time in history, I was in red. Well, this is just my way of telling myself that I should get out of my comfort zone and stay away from the sidelines. I'm leaving my 4-year comfort zone in the hospital and I'll be venturing on another chapter of training. Another journey that would require much faith and courage on my part. Now I understand why red stands for courage. The color actually affects one's disposition and i felt it tonight.

I'm a cry-baby. In fact, the latest Smart commercial about the father and a son who were talking all along on the phone but only met for the first time, made me teary-eyed. I hate goodbyes and I already programmed myself not to cry tonight. Not a single tear should fall. So the red dress I guess?hehe Actually, it worked! I delivered my speech without getting teary-eyed but I was hearing my voice break.

Aside from the red dress, i literally turned red. I didnt know all along that my colleagues prepared a number of surprises for me. Well, the graduation ceremony seemed to serve as a tribute for me! (Ewww!) Anyway, I really appreciate their effort and I really really am so grateful to them. Imagine my reaction when I get to receive a dozen of RED roses and a RED ribbon cake. Well, not from them, but from my morphine who happens to be several miles away. Add to this the phone call he made. He talked on the phone for all the people in the graduation ceremony to hear! For an autistic like me who prefers her lovelife to be very private, i got a mix of emotions. So I really cant describe how my face turned pale to red or vice versa out of surprise, happiness or embarrassment. Either way, good thing I was wearing red. It wasnt that obvious when i blushed...or call it flushed! One thing I've discovered though. My morphine's a showbiz! I didnt know he could be very corny...alright, sweet! Corny but sweet? A sweetcorn?hehe

Blush is an understatement for aside from this surprise, they also prepared a video. Imagine how embarrassed I was when i get to see my old pictures when i was in gradeschool! The kind where I was the cheerleader wearing knee socks or pictures of me on stage delivering a speech in a gown! Those were the days when people dress in "kabuki" (my description of baduy...buki is an Ilonggo word for baduy) and I was one of them. My mom was an accomplice to this. A colleague of mine asked her for some of my pictures and she gave her two albums of it without checking out if some of the pics there were not meant for public viewing.

I painted the ceremony red and I'm starting to love red after tonight. Really! If it signifies courage, then I really need it. There are a lot of uncertainties in my future and it would take a brave woman to thread new waters. For props, I'm buying a red blouse tomorrow! Aja!

The Graduate's Farewell

2008-12-18T20:48:00.003+08:00

After four years, I'll finally be leaving this crap hospital I've been whining about in this blog. It doesnt mean though that this site will be inactive too after my graduation. This site's been witness to all my disappointments and frustrations at work - that's why i call this as my emotional trash bin. Well, it accepted some of my pms fits and autistic moods too...without complaining. So the saga continues even after tomorrow.

Since i was asked by my juniors to prepare a speech...grrrr I hate speeches and I just dont feel comfortable talking in front (autistic mode: currently active), let me post the draft of my speech here. Well, i'll be typing it anyway so for convenience, i might as well post it here and print it later for my reference tomorrow. This is also one way of thanking not just the people around me but also those who had the patience and tolerance to read all my trash here.

I'm not good at saying goodbyes but let me grab this opportunity not to say my farewell, rather to thank the people who have supported me in this journey. As i move on in pursuit of further training and knowledge, it's but proper to recognize the "wind beneath my wings." I will never reach this height (i'm talking in metaphor here) if not for them.

My parents...for all the support and understanding. They never complained that their eldest daughter, after sending her to college then to medical school, had an extended adolescence. I was still dependent on their financial support even after I became a licensed professional...a professional bum in other words...for i was still asking for an allowance from them in my first few months at work. Now that i'll be undergoing further training, I'll be once again a bum to the highest level. I know that I can always rely on them for more support though. I couldnt thank them more for the love and understanding. They knew the problems and concerns that I'll be facing when i decided to enter this government hospital. They never stopped me though from pursuing my plans. My parents understand that despite my whinings and toxicity at work, I could find fulfillment in serving our less fortunate patients in this venue. Why cant they? Charity begins at home and my folks showed me how it is done while I was growing up.

My mentors...for sharing their time and knowledge without counting the costs. They're a bunch of fun-loving, service oriented, and knowledge-thirsty people. Consultants who are experts in their fields who spent their precious time with us, their residents, without pay. They could have spent an hour or two in their clinics and earn more bucks yet they chose to teach and train young minds like us. They could have spent more time with their families and kids yet they chose to mingle with us to mold our character - young physicians who shall grow "old" like them (no pun intented).

My colleagues...for the time and camaraderie. My sisters and brothers in my 2nd family. Residency training may not be as fun and memorable without them. Toxicity became bearable everytime we share some jokes or stories especially when it's over food. United we stood and supported each other against unreasonable folks, difficult patients and unreasonable and difficult nurses. My memories of you will forever be etched in my frontal lobe.

Our chairman...our department's big daddy. For believing in us even if we're considered as the underdogs in the city. Well, people tend to think that since we belong in a dilapidated and crap supposed-to-be-tertiary-regional-government hospital, our brains and skills go with the infrastructure too. Another reason might be because we treat the less fortunate, the social-welfare-dependent patients and the no-read-no-write who would sign consent for treatment using their thumbprints. With this, people would think that our brains are just a bit higher than that of our patients' level. Here's this man though who believed in us. Who encouraged us to give out our best and to stand for what we really are. Among others, he took the responsibility in molding our brains and character even if it entails more patience, more headaches, more PVCs and increased risk for another admission on his part.

Screeeeech! Stop me! I'm carried away. Might as well stop here for i might end up with my longest post ever. Still have a lot of people to thank and a lot of things to say but this isnt just the right venue. This basically is just the gist of what I'm planning to say. Starting on a few paragraphs already made my eyes moist. What more if i'll continue with this?

Geez! I have to wear a water-proof mascara and make up tomorrow. Sob!

Moving Out...Moving On

2008-12-17T23:18:00.004+08:00

These are not for the famous fastfood-with-a-Big-Bee-Mascot campaign. These stuffs are mine and I brought them home from work. Coming from friends, interns, patients and pests (errr people who show you their best foot and yet you still find them obnoxious...whatever you call them), these toys found a home inside my locker. Since I'll be graduating this Friday from my training (sniff!), I've started to bring home some of my stuffs so that the new residents could make use of my space.

I'm moving out. Leaving the place I almost considered as my 2nd home gives me this separation anxiety. I'll be missing the people I have worked with for the past 4 years! This is the place where i found my niche. The only thing that's constant here on earth though so they say, is change. Change tells me that i have to move on. Not to remain stagnant, to achieve more and to reach higher. In exchange for this though is that I'll be leaving the people I got close with and I'll be leaving the life that I got used to.

My fluffy kids will surely miss their home too. There's no other way but to move on though. Embrace change...face the new challenges...find a new niche...meet new friends...and to find a new home for my fluffy kids in my room. Hmmm, they might look good in here.

How To Evaluate a Year - Based on the Number of Posts

2008-12-14T18:41:00.003+08:00

The longest post title i had...hopefully the shortest post. (Wait i'll do a word count.hehe)

I'm currently having my break with my one on one talk with Harrison. He's such a bore believe me but I'm really trying my very best to like him. To be fair, i guess all textbooks were made to be boring so it's not really Harrison's fault if it's his nature to be one. Well, we've been together for four years and it's just now that I'm trying to get to know him to the bones. I mean every detail of him. With this, I'm starting to do some bargaining. If only i could go on 24-hour duty again in exchange of this talk with him, i am more than willing to do so...even make it 48 hours straight. My butt's flattened up already I guess due to prolonged sitting. Been shifting positions and locations just so to fight off sleepiness and to let my blood circulate only to find myself falling asleep with my marker pens soiling my shirt or my linens! Great!

So Taffy's a great help in times like this. Once Harrison starts to lull me to sleep, i just have to turn to Taffy. Either i'll play games, edit a movie project, or do what im currently doing...post something here. While thinking on what to post here, I realized that 2007 was a difficult year for me. Look at those number of posts i had. This is my trash bin and literally, i had those number of trash for that year...86? Oh, not to count the drafts that remained unpublished since they're not healthy for public consumption. Must have been the Chief Residency responsibility.hehe Looking back in 2008, this year's a bit milder for me. The year's about to end and I only have a handful of "trash" here. Strictly speaking, they're not even pure trash. Life must have been good to me this year. Since i only went on 24-hour duty until the middle of the year, my toxicity was lessened, my exposure to difficult folks and patients were minimized and I only have Harrison to deal with. Well, the boredom that I'm experiencing with him is not enough to be considered as a trash.hehe

Pressurized

2008-12-11T23:14:00.003+08:00

Inhale...exhale...ahhhhh....inhale...exhale....ahhhh....I NEED A BREATHER!

Basically this is all that i wanted to say just to relieve myself of the pressure that's starting to build up from within me. The specialty board exam is fast approaching and i think i'm not even halfway with my review. The exam they say is more difficult than the medical board exam despite that the latter is consist of 12 subjects while the former basically just covers the two volumes of our specialty textbook. What with the modified, nose-bleed-true or false questions? I dont memorize things and i hate figures and these questions are kinda tricky. The examiner for example may opt to delete just one word in a certain statement in order to make this statement false. Just one word or one figure...that tricky.

What made things even more difficult for me are the expectations from my consultants and collleagues. Add the so called "slot" that i already have for my subspecialty training in one of the great hospitals in the country pending my exam result. Panic button on!

Ooooops, I'm a grace under pressure. I dont panic. I could manage a very toxic emergency room with a calm demeanor. I know this too shall pass. A lot of people pray for me. People say I have a very good signal to the Great Architect up there that my prayers are always answered.

Alright self, time's up for self-conditioning. Harrison's* already waiting to be devoured. Raaaaar!

subtext: Goodness! Just by the thought of what I HAVE to do after this makes me nauseated. Barf bag please?

*the textbook

My Doppleganger

2008-11-07T16:44:00.001+08:00

A very late halloween post this may seem, but this is a response to nyss' request to tell her my story about my doppleganger. It's quite improper to tell her my story in her comment box, so here it goes....to the believers and non-believers of the paranormal...(insert sound here...twilight zone soundtrack...hehehe)

Here's a description of what a doppleganger is from an online source: A double, an identical replica of a person. The idea behind this is that everyone has a Doppleganger, an identical copy of themselves somewhere in the world. If the person is good, then the Doppleganger will be evil and vice versa. It is even said that if the two should meet, then they will both perish.

Well, obviously,if the myth is true, i havent seen my doppleganger yet for im still alive, posting this blog. There were three people who saw my doppleganger. Three different incidents, yet i only figured out just today, that these incidents happened between 10-11 o'clock either in the morning or in the evening.

1st Incident: This happened some time in June when i was still going on a 24-hr duty at the hospital. I went upstairs to our conference room to have my late dinner. It was 9 o'clock in the evening, i could remember. Since there were only two of us who were on duty that time, i was all alone in our conference room since my junior was at the emergency room. At 10pm, while preparing to freshen up, i heard the front door open. We have two locks and since i heard the deadbolt open, i presumed that it was my junior resident who went up. I didnt check who it was. Instead, i went to the bathroom for a bath. After i was done, i received a text from one of our interns. He asked me if i'm inside the conference room and if he could go there. Gave him my go signal and twas him who told me the goosebumps story.
He asked me if i went upstairs at around 10 in the evening. Told him that i was in the conference room an hour earlier. The reason was at around 10pm, he went up to the conference room. He saw "me", actually, the back of me, about to enter the door. He ran after me and even called my name but it seemed that i didnt hear him. He didnt knock on the door thinking that i might be busy so the reason for his text. Catch is, that time that he saw "me" entering the door, i was already inside the the conference room an hour earlier and was on my way to the bathroom. It was also the time that i heard the door open....tinininini tininini....hehe

2nd Incident: This came from our secretary. Every morning, after the endorsement at 9 o'clock, most of us are making our rounds in our different wards. One day, our secretary who reported to work at around this time, saw "me" walked by through the door between the main conference room and the receiving area of our office. She was seated in her table at the receiving area. Thinking that i was in the main conference room, she went in to greet me. Only to realize that there's noone inside the room. The direction where "i" was headed according to her was towards our sofa and she was surprised to find out that i was not there. She checked inside our bathroom yet she didnt find me there. Fact is, i was already in the wards making my rounds with my junior.

3rd Incident: This happened on the same day. Our secretary (secretary A) asked our other secretary (Secretary B) what i was wearing that day. Secretary B who saw me earlier that day told her that i was in black maong skirt and black blouse. So secretary A told her what happened and that she saw me with the same outfit. The two of them got a scare of their lives when i went upstairs for lunch. Yep! I was wearing a black skirt, yet my blouse was pink - not black. Secretary B was surprised! For earlier that day too, before Secretary A reported to work, secretary B saw 'me" standing beside our conference table, texting. I was in an all black outfit. The time when she saw me texting, i was already in the wards. She might have thought it was me but only forgot the details of what i was wearing for she already saw me when i reported to work. She just didnt realize that the "real me" was wearing a pink blouse, not black.wehehehe

Well, three people, three incidents, all saw my doppleganger. I guess my doppleganger is on the "good side" for she didnt harm anyone at the office. Whether the myth about dopplegangers is true or not, i discovered one truth...that our dopplegangers are an exact opposite of who we are...hehehe

New Inspiration

2008-10-13T18:55:00.003+08:00

There arent enough trash to dump in here and our wireless connection at home just resurrected from the dead....so my "come-back" blog.

Actually, it's just so timely for today, i found a new inspiration. A new inspiration to blog about. Just when i'm worrying about petty matters in my life, i found the answer from someone i know. Someone just older than i am who faces a bigger enemy than i have. When i'm having battle with myself and my issues, she's having a battle with the big C. She has cancer. Cancer of the ovaries to be exact and she lost the organ that's supposed to complete her womanhood in the process. As a physician i know that her time is counted. Not that it's shortened for even a healthy individual can go ahead of her. It's just that she's given an estimate of how long she'll live. Her existence, quantified.

Life is short. She reminded me about it. I may not have the big C but i can never tell, my life might be shorter than hers. What to do now? Throw away all those petty concerns, reflect on all the blessings i have in my life and be thankful for them. Enjoy life, every second of it. Never to waste a single second on negative thoughts. To stay happy. To stay cool. To love unconditionally and without fear. To give fully without expecting anything in return. To discover how beautiful my life is and how blessed i am. Never give way to my hormonal imbalance (darn pms!). Rather, be thankful that i experience pms and i still have "them" - the organs that might produce another being as abnormal as i am.

Ahhhh life. I just can imagine myself without the Great architect in it. Without Him, i might totally make a great mess out of it. Just when i needed an inspiration (to blog and to get through this pms im having), He sent an angel to enlighten me. In return, i shall pray for this Angel. May she find more strength in the battle that she faces. May she find inspiration too from the people whose lives, she touched...mine included.

On Empty Nests and Dogs

2008-06-12T21:48:00.004+08:00

My younger sister got married last May and is no longer staying with us. Our youngest sibling studies in the other island and goes home only during weekends or school breaks. My only brother left home for his board review in Manila, just yesterday. This left only my parents and I having dinner together tonight. Their four children who are all grown up now started to leave home except for the eldest, who happens to be me, who is "overstaying" at home. Nevertheless, only my parents are left for dinners when i am on a 24-hr duty since our helper goes to a night school.

Despite of being "autistic", i felt the silence at home. I feel for my parents whom, for 31 years were used to a not so quiet family dinners. During weekdays, it is only during dinner when we could gather all together and talk about our different lives. No longer now. I may attempt to talk about my work at the hospital but the not so talkative me would definitely tire out if noone's going to say his or her piece too. What happens would be just a mere exchange of words either between my mom and i or my dad and i - well, they happen to be together all the time so they could only share the same story.

Is this what happens when all the children have grown up? My parents are currently experiencing the empty nest syndrome. I knew this when heard mom and dad cracked a joke when they drove me to the hospital for duty one morning. A joke that made me ponder about my future. There are four of us in the family, only one got married but now, my parents are left on their own. They were joking that they will be once again childless come dinner time. I jokingly answered that they still have their youngest child with them. I suggested that they could let our dog , who feels and thinks that he is a human being and a part of our family, sit at the dinner table with them. They both gave out a good laugh. Well, at least i was able to lift their spirits up in a way.

As i walk away from the car, i realized that having four children in the family is not enough. For when everyone grows up, noone will be left at home. Does this mean that i would want a bigger family if i'll have my own? Nah! What i only wanted to say is that, even if i would have a dozen kids, i too would want to have a dog. Why a dog? It doesn't go to school, therefore, need not be away for a board review thereby, can't find a job that might render it to go on a 24-hour duty at the hospital. Also, dogs dont get married and leave home. Yep! I would want to have a dog.hehe

Burger! Burger!

2008-05-31T13:15:00.000+08:00

I was all prepared for duty today. Have to sleep a bit earlier last night just so i could have enough sleep in preparation for today. My scrubs and the next day clothes were in my duty bag. Programmed myself that today's another "attack mode day." Wore my most comfortable clothes. An outfit ready for "battle". Woke up earlier than usual and off i went with my big duty bag to the hospital.

As i entered our conference room, all my co-residents were all eyes on me. It seemed as if they were asking me a question until all of them made a very good laugh. I was still in wonder not until another asked me what that big duty bag i was carrying is for. I AM NOT ON DUTY TODAY! Toink! Reality striked me in the face. Actually i was never aware that i am not supposed to go on duty today. I never look at our daily schedule. I am aware that i should go on duty every 3 days. I didnt realize though that tomorrow's another month and there will be change of services in the wards so the change in the schedule.

Whew! So what happened after they all laughed at my early morning bloopers? Everybody chanted the famous commercial line...BURGER! BURGER! BURGER!

Who's To Blame?

2008-05-28T21:06:00.000+08:00

At around 9:30 in the morning today, i discovered that my fone's not picking up any signal from my network. I was at first thinking that it's a sign that i'm really needing a new phone aside of course from the reason that my fone's joystick has been sending my sms' to the wrong recipients because of its "auto-select" feature.hehe Have to ask my co-residents who are also SMART subscribers to check their fones. They all too didnt have any network coverage. I wasnt alone at least - yahoo!

What i was expecting however as a transient phenomenon that could last for only an hour the most turned out to be a test. A test for someone who's become dependent to the wonders of text messaging and celfone calls. My work basically is dependent on referrals and the celfone is one of my gadgets aside of course from my stethoscope. In short, i was "out-of-this-world" for the whole day. I couldnt receive any messages or calls nor can i make a call or send some texts. Even if i have my suncellular line with me, i couldnt text to other SMART subcribers too. This explains my "silence" for the whole day and not that i was timid to reply.hehe Anyhow, i managed to survived the day. I too on my part experienced peace and quiet after not receiving any referrals through texts.

What we were thinking at first as SMART's way of protest, after the issue of "free text messaging" came out, turned to be this: news here

Okaaaaay, the network didnt explain the cause of the damage. Irregardless of the cause though, it seems that SMART and PLDT subscribers are told to - "Blame the cables people! Not us! Not us!"

Overcoming My Fears

2008-05-24T16:52:00.002+08:00

I was reading a friend's blog when i came across this line that really moved me..."Do one thing in life that scares you, and it will no longer have control of you." I guess i've mentioned in passing from my previous post what my top three fears are. For my 30th year of existence, i told myself that i will be overcoming my fears. My top 1 fear however i already eliminated from the list for i dont think it's possible unless of course i'm a psycho who would try such. It's either i pray that it happens or i do it myself. So better not consider fear #1. This left me with the other 2 that basically sum up getting involved in a relationship. For how can i overcome my fear of getting hurt in a relationship and my fear of commitment if im not "in" a relationship?

Well, for some, getting into a relationship sounded simple. Not for me. I have a lot of issues to deal with in the first place. I have to pursue that long overdue pep talk that i've scheduled with my "alter ego". You know, she's more difficult to deal with than i am. Only then can i finally tell myself to take a leap of faith, dive into my fears and overcome them if ill be able to talk with her.

Of course, i dont want to let these fears of mine get full control of me all my life. My parents just celebrated their 31st wedding anniversary and i only have 19 years left to prepare for my own wedding too after i promised mom that i'll finally get married - together with them on their 50th year...hehehe Kidding aside, i dont think my "morphine" could wait that long. He might expire by that time and will no longer be of use. Alright, im taking the leap of faith. I'm going to overcome my fears - with my him. Meaning, with this blog as my witness, i'm saying "yes" to him.

Whoah! There's one catch though. He doesnt know anything about this blog. I'll only consider us as "official" once he get to read to this - and im not giving him any leads. Take note, it's the time that he'll get to read this and not the time that i posted this. Hmmm, by estimate, that will be about 19 years from now.tee-hee

I Don't Believe in Marriage

2008-05-21T01:23:00.004+08:00

These past few months are quite turbulent for me. Not that i have a lovelife to worry about but i have lovelifeS (take note...with an "S" meaning it's plural) to ponder and pray upon. News and updates of break-ups, annulments and separations bombarded me. Some lasted for a year the longest was more than 15 years. How the hell can relationships last for 15 years and suddenly went on pffft? I could accept the lame excuses in break-ups of boy-girl relationships. To absorb and to understand however an annulment or a legal separation is quite difficult for me...much more if it involves the children of the estranged couple.

I felt so sorry for my friends. I felt sorry for their kids. What happened to the love that developed during the pre-nuptial stage? Why can't the couple who vowed to be together for richer or for poorer...in sickness and in health and the other conditions-til-death-do-them-part thingie, hold on to their commitment?

These things that are happening around me made more cynical about marriage. It's not that marriage scares me more than death or it sounds like a death sentence to me. Fact is, i just dont believe in my capacity to hold on and to stand on a lifetime commitment. Modern philosophers who assume the characters of "friends" would defend me that maybe, i am just too idealistic. Too afraid to commit with the wrong person. Hmmm...why the hell are they considered "friends" anyway if they dont know the real me? Their argument? "If i am afraid of a lifetime commitment, why did i become a doctor? Being a doctor is a lifetime commitment and this title is marked on "doctors" even to their graves." They're right i suppose. I still am cynical about marriage though on the folllowing points:

1. It's not an assurance that a relationship could last.
2. It's not a security that the love will never die out.
3. It's not the bond that could maintain families.
4. It's not even a comfort that the other party will remain loyal to the other.
5. It's not even a proof that the person you got married with really loves you.
6. It's not just a simple "i do" ceremony...you have to deal with the entourage, the church, the reception, the florists, the studios, the band, the guests...in short, you dont just have to say "i do" but "i do HAVE MONEY for all of these."

After sharing my point and reflecting on the other relationships around me, i could say that now, the more that I DONT BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE. Yep! I really do. (Go Spinsters!) Seriously, why the hell should you get married, spend bucks for the ceremony and eventually spend hundreds of thousand for annulment? Crap! Plain crap. Why not just go on domestic partnership and leave the relationship when you feel strangulated? Simple as A-B-C. Is this me talking or my alter ego?

Curling up my tail and hiding my horns, seeing my parents still together for 31 years despite some misunderstandings that they were always able to patch up, or old patients who still care for each other in sickness and in health, i started to give justice on MARRIAGE. It's not marriage that i should believe or blame upon. Rather, i must believe or blame the couple who created the bond. Marriage too is a victim of circumtances. It's the human component of marriage actually that determines its falls and its success. The same human component that made the commitment that it is supposed to last for a lifetime. Now, you know why i dont believe in marriage. For marriage is just a noun and got no mind of its own. It's the husband and the wife who are the main actors who determine its ending...may it be a tragedy or a happily-ever-after.

I realized that i must never be sorry for my friends who got separated. I just have to blame them...hehe Nah! I just have to believe them in the decisions that they have made. That they are mature individuals with minds of their own...and so am i. Actually, the mind that tells me that i do not believe in marriage is still the same mind that tells me that it believes in ME. The ME who was created by the bond of a newly-wed couple exactly, 31 years ago. The same couple who inspires me that like them, i too am capable of preserving my relationship not just for 3 decades but more.

To my Tatay and Nanay, Happy 31st wedding anniversary. You continued to show me how to love fearlessly and unconditionally.

A Late Mother's Day Post

2008-05-13T22:07:00.003+08:00

This is a very late mother's day post...thanks to pldt dsl...i was able to upload the video 2 days after...hehehe Anyway, here's a little something for my mom. My way of saying how proud i am of her. Ok, ok, my mom is in that Avon commercial...so as not to give away everything though, im not telling where she is in this commercial.hehehe For friends who know where i am based however, there's a clue there somewhere.=)

I need not enumerate the things that make me proud of her. All i know is that i am the person that i am now because of her. At her age, she kept reaching for her dreams too without compromising her family's welfare. Well, my mom's not just a "celebrity", she's Super mom too for me. Belated happy mother's day, nanay!=)

It's Not Just Morphine

2008-04-26T20:59:00.000+08:00

I had a patient who became morbid at the ICU last night...err i mean early this morning because that was almost 2am. Female, in her late 70's, admitted as a case of acute myocardial infarction. To make matters worse, she too has an aortic aneurysm. She's like a ticking time bomb. Ready to explode - anytime.

She had another episode of epigastric pain early this morning. It could be the aneurysm or could be another episode of myocardial infarction. Either way, both could cause her demise. I requested for a repeat ECG and her heart rate were running like horses - way above normal. Could be due to pain. No, but no for there were new changes in her ecg. She was having runs of ventricular tachycardia. Vital signs were quite unstable. The defibrillator was prepared at her bedside. She was anxious. She was in pain. She actually bid me farewell. She's tired of the fight and she wanted to rest so she said.

From my previous duty at the ICU, i met her husband. Ive seen how he took care of her. Ive seen how he was so anxious and afraid for her. I havent seen him though the whole night. For his sake, i tried to encourage her. She cant go unless he's there beside her. She has to let him let go of her. I asked one of the relatives to call him wherever he was. Unknown to me, he was just outside, resting. Might have been tired from attending to his patient for quite some time now.

While waiting for him, I sedated my patient to alleviate her anxiety. She still was restless and in pain. So I gave her a small dose of morphine. Five minutes had past and yet the pain was persistent - she claimed. Then he came. He held her wrinkled, old hand. He touched and caressed the area where she pointed to be very painful. He kissed her forehead. He was whispering words to her that i couldnt hear. Must have been words to encourage her. She kept quiet. Ive seen how she transformed into a meek baby in the comfort of his arms. She then fell asleep. Her heart rate went back to normal. Her vital signs stabilized. I felt like crying. Maybe i was relieved that her condition stabilized or it could have been more to the sight in front of me. She's comfortable, asleep and no longer in pain. I dont think it's just morphine. It's more than morphine. It's him.

Ahhhh love. I have this soft spot for old couples who still show affection to each other. It might look odd to see old people kiss yet there's thing that i couldnt explain deep inside of me. Saw her very comfortable in his arms. Witnessed how he cared and stood for her in her sickness. All these, removed all my fears. Ive got a morphine in my pocket and i hope that it will stay with me until i grow old, sick and wrinkled.

Why a Lifesaver

2008-04-23T18:48:00.000+08:00

I didnt have to answer the usual question that's being asked of an incoming medical student when i was about to enter my alma mater. The "Why do you want to become a doctor?" question was obviously not tackled since the panel were too excited to ask me about my undergrad school instead (a sister school of my med school).

As i breeze through residency training, i was starting to find answers to this question. Answers like to "treat the sick" or "serve the poor" are i guess a cliche. Since im also having my training in a government institution, obviously, these answers seem like shouting at me.

Aside from these, why did i really become a lifesaver? I didnt have dreams of being a superhero. You know, saving other people's lives through a dramatic, action-packed way. The innate autism in me would prefer a more discreet way of doing such like being a physician. Treating the sick, keeping them alive. Before ive wanted to save lives though, there must be another reason why i wanted this kind of life.

They say that one's decision in life is influenced by his/her past experiences. Experiences that are sometimes hidden in our subconscious mind. Experience also tells me that my greatest fear in life is...eeek....not commitment...it may run 3rd. Not even getting hurt in a relationship for it only runs second. My greatest fear is not even death itself rather, losing a loved one through death.

Yep! I discovered this just recently. Ive had experiences of loss when i was younger. That of of my grandparents, pets and friends. I felt the gaping hole created by one's absence. I felt the fear of not seeing the dead loved one anymore...not ever. I thought that ive become numbed to all of these. NO, but no for at present, I still cry over a death of a patient. Actually, it's not really the patient whom i am really concerned about when he/she dies - heaven knows better than i once he/she has crossed the tunnel of light. I am more saddened and concerned with the relatives who are left behind. I still couldnt stand those wailings and crying spells. My heart breaks and my spirit gets dampened. Ive been in their shoes and i fear being in their shoes again.

So here i am, taking the path to lifesaving. I am not god, nor am i playing god. I just wanted to the best of my abilities and knowledge to save a life...to see a happy family in return. I dont even want to change the fate of another being. I just wanted to take part in extending one's life. Death is inevitable of course. Medical school did teach me to predict it and to fight it. My current training however has taught me to fight it with passion and to accept it once everything's been done, with serenity.

30 THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR

2008-04-04T18:30:00.004+08:00

After my 30th birthday, i realized that i've been posting about the things that i would want in life. I didnt realize not until my day ended last night that there are a lot of things that i must be thankful for. For my 30th year of existence, i couldnt help but be thankful to the great architect up there for painstakingly planned every detail of my life. I feel so humbled, so unworthy. The horns and tails that ive grown as i grew older in years felt misplaced. It seemed as if they dont belong to where they are growing right now. So for tonight, no matter how allergic i am to preachy posts or people, let me, just for now, enumerate the things that i am very thankful for. Give me a break! It's my birthday! Err, a day late maybe. It's my birth month still anyway.

1. The gift of family. - not all people are gifted with crazy parents and siblings like i do.=)
2. The blessings of friends - ive got a lot of friends but only a handful of very close ones who would die for me...im not really sure if they would really.hehe
3. A career i would never trade for anything - being a physician gave me the fulfillment that money cant buy. But i would trade places with the recent lotto millionaire.hehe
4. The best residency training im currently having - for me, my internal medicine family's the best.
5. Being placed in this crap hospital for training - i realized how blessed i am and i am trained in all aspect of my being because of the number of patients that i meet and the number of impossible and difficult folks to deal with
6. The schools i went to - this is not an advertisement for my dear alma maters. Actually, i only had 2: ETCS 1 and La Salle but they prepared me well.
7. My co-residents - as crazy as the family i grew up with. the reason why i blended with them...hehe
8. My consultants and mentors - whose examples and teachings will forever be etched in my young mind
9. My past senior residents - as crazy as i am too
10. My gift of expressing myself through written language - so this blog
11. My talent in psychotherapy - i didnt know i have one until a lot of people told me that i have it. Anyways, i turn out to be a part-time psychiatrist most of the time
12. My patients - they too served as my mentors
13. My patient's difficult folks - they developed my patience and tolerance to the most unlovable
14. Some difficult co-residents - i learned to deal with difficult colleagues and be able to survive a stressful life because of their presence
15. A number of unreasonable consultants - they're a good example of consultants that i must not become in the future
16. My interns - mentoring and supervising them also gave me the fulfillment equivalent to saving a life
17. My monthly salary - meager as it may be but im thankful that at least im withdrawing something from my ATM.
18. Hospital bonuses - at least i could afford some luxuryand treats for myself. Parlor visits, moviebreaks, coffee sessions and a refreshing body spa.
19. My reliable laptop, laffy taffy - after 2 years, it has been faithful to me
20. My bestbuddy and reliable celfone - include its camera
21. My ipod, silver snitch - it kept me company especially during my autistic moments
22. For coffee - it perks me up...more like a lifeline to my everyday job
23. For chocolates - they're first-aid for dementress exposure
24. For blogspot, multiply, friendster, facebook, etc - places i could express my autism and at the same time call myself a social being
25. For nature - the air that i breath, lush greens i can rest my eyes upon, cloudscapes that never fail to amaze me, seas that comfort me
26. For sunsets
27. For ym and smart - at least i could keep in touch with friends despite of my hectic schedule
28. For strangers and angels who walked with me in my life's journey
29. For the internet - without which i could never post this blog and announce to the world wide web how thankful i am for being 30!
30. For the occupant of the fourth chamber.=)

Milestone

2008-04-02T19:03:00.001+08:00

A few hours from now, ill be celebrating a milestone. I'll be celebrating my pearl year! Okay, i used pearl so as not to make it so obvious when all i mean is that i'll be celebrating my 30th year of existence.hehe

Just like the ultimatum i made for myself years ago, i also made a wishlist for my 30th year - link here.

I've wished for things that i would want to acquire before i launch my independence. Therefore, time to check those things out and maybe, add a few more for my next milestone. Well, that would be 5 years from now - my emerald year.hehe

1. Laptop – well, this tops my list. Forget the stove, there are a lot of fastfood restaurants in town, but I couldn’t leave without this device. Blogs, reports, journals, games, internet, they are vital and part of my existence. Unfortunately, the money I’ve been saving for this one went to another project. I have a pc at home, but you couldn't bring this one to bed can you?

for this one, CHECK!

2. Queen-size bed – too impractical for someone who will be occupying a one-bedroom apartment or pad. Nevertheless, I love to sleep and I must admit that I love having a lot of pillows around me when I sleep. As of the last count, I have at least five pillows, the body pillow not included, in my bed. If I will be buying a bed fit for just one person, how can I let all my pillows fit? By the way, in case I don't have a laptop yet, maybe I could bring the pc to bed with me.

...i could make use of my old bed right now.hehe

3. CD Player, Radio, iPod (anyone?) or any gadget that could produce music – I sleep with the radio on. I start the day with music filling my room. When I am not in a good mood, music lifts my spirit up, drowns my tears and speaks to my soul.

CHECK!

4. Palm top – Already have one but I still need an SD card to expand its data storage capacity. I just love techie stuffs. Some of my files, palm version of my reference materials at work are all inside this gadget. When quite bored, games in this gadget are enough to entertain me. In case also that I don't have the player yet, I'll just contend myself with the mp3s I have in my palm.

CHECK!

5. Personal refrigerator – I need this for my leftovers. ....Hmmm still no budget for this.

6. Microwave oven – I need this to reheat my leftovers...hehe CHECK! I bought the one we're using at home...hehe

7. Television - I am not much into watching tv nor into watching movies at home (I still prefer watching movies in bigscreens). I just needed this thing to update me on our dying governance and economy. At the same time, I might need to hear other voices aside from myself. ...why did i wish for this in the first place?hehe no budget yet and no place for this.

I've got several things in mind that i would wish for the next 5 years...ooops i already talked about them in my 49 things. I dont want to repeat myself.hehe Besides, i still need a pad for all these things so why ask for more? For those with a kind heart, i accept cash, checks or the pad itself as a birthday gift....hehehe

Ultimatum

2008-03-29T02:56:00.001+08:00

I have my recurrent alarm set at 6:30am. Never mind how many times i would press on the snooze everyday before i leave bed. Anyway, i woke up today realizing that in a few days time, i will be experiencing another milestone. Tadaaaaan! My 30th birthday! Hmmm, im announcing this just so, you who are reading this doesnt forget my gift. Wink! Wink!

Seriosuly, three years ago, ive got several posts anticipating my said milestone. Like I cant wait to reach this age - link here, and the one where i laid out my lifeplan -here. The can't wait to be thirty needs another entry. As to my lifeplan, here's a part that gave me goosebumps for I just realized that it's hard to give an ultimatum to one's self...hehe

2. At age 30, that will be 3 years from now, i will be done with residency training. I plan to proceed to subspecialization: either neurology or gastroenterology or rheumatology maybe. I still am in search of a subspec that doesnt have emergency calls and a subspec that's not that toxic. Boy, i just cant afford living a toxic life - from clerkship to specialization. I plan to go abroad and specialize there. Where? US or Australia, any place where my fate would lead me. It is also during this time when i could live on own - independently! Yipee!!! This is also the time that the ultimatum i gave to myself will due. The time that i'll be in a crossroad. The time of discernment whether to really take the road of single-blessedness (finally) or cursed-marriage. Ooops, i dont mean to be biased here. Alright, remove the word "curse". If i get to meet my frog prince during this time, then proceed to plan # 3.

I made this ultimatum 3 years ago and as the day comes nearer and nearer, it seems that im no longer excited about being 30. Why? Read this: The time of discernment whether to really take the road of single-blessedness (finally) or cursed-marriage. I'm afraid that should i make the wrong choice, I might curse myself forever!hehe

Alright self, tell this to the frog prince.

There's Light

2008-03-23T16:16:00.000+08:00

"C... is my classmate in elementary. One incident I wont forget was when we were in grade 1, we were playing in our school garden. Nagalakad-lakad kami sa hollow blocks nga naka palibot sa garden. Nadasma ko and napilas (still have scars...scarred people are beautiful)... good thing this girl is a born healer... we look around to find balunggay to stop the bleeding (this is the first prescription Dra. C... gave me). I dont know if she still remember this.God bless you always my friend!"
- A...

Call her A. She's a classmate of mine in gradeschool. Not the whole of gradeschool though for i remembered that she had to transfer school. I just cant remember in what grade we were during that time. For the short time that we were together though, i remembered that we were good friends. She even left a comment for me in friendster (read above) reminding me that the first sign of me being a future doctor was when i applied a malunggay poultice on her wound when she acquired one during one of our games. I actually couldnt remember this anymore.

We bumped into each other when we were in college but got really no time to talk about things. After more than a decade, our paths again met. Not in our school reunion but in the hospital where i work. She was admitted at the surgical ward because of a complication of her disease.

I am 29, going on 40....err i mean, 30. We're almost of the same age, i just dont know who's older or younger in age by a few months. I'm 29, yet i feel healthy save for some joint pains or body aches that i feel from time to time from a harassed duty or from that memorable bangkok trip i had. She on the other hand, single, just like me, now battling the popular big C.

My classmate has ovarian cancer. She underwent several sessions of chemotherapy already and here she is still fighting the battle. I try to visit her from time to time and everytime i come to her bedside, i feel so bad seeing her in the situation that she's currently in. She's admitted at the charity ward. She was working before i believe i just dont know if she has consumed all her health benefits just so she could avail of a more comfortable medicare room. She's almost skin and bones compared to the last time we've seen each other or compared to her pictures she posted on friendster. The best that i could do was to give her the parenteral nutrition pack that was donated by one of our consultants. She couldnt take anything more nutritious than milk by mouth. A pack of parenteral nutrition would cost 5,000 bucks per pack and this is good only for a day.

Our chairman happens to be her attending physician before. It was good to hear that he offered to help her in a way for her chemotherapy. Still, despite of all the aids that might come, i can sense that she feels so sorry for herself. She couldnt help but thank me repeatedly during my last visit. She was smiling at me but her eyes showed all the burden and depression that she's carrying. Her mom, asleep at her bedside, was tired and worn out after more than a week of taking care of her.

Her case made me realize that there's a big life ahead of me. That i have a lot of things to be thankful for. That my challenges are a bit easier than the ones she's currently battling. That maybe, i was blessed to be healthier than she is for i am tasked to help her again. That as a physician, i could no longer just put a poultice on her wound the way i did when we were in grade 1. Maybe i could do more now. I could do better. I too could put more meaning in my life saving acts that's become more of a routine for me sometimes.

For the meantime, the greatest help that i could give her are my prayers. Prayer that she'll be given the courage and strength to face her battle. Prayer that she'd be given the solitude to accept her condition. Prayer that she'll receive peace in her heart. Prayer that she'll have an enlightenment of mind. Prayer that she'll accept her real healer, the big Guy upstairs who lent me this gift of healing she was saying.

Memories of Bangkok

2008-03-08T22:08:00.000+08:00

Finally, im back! There are a lot of things i really missed when i was away. I missed laffy (my ever reliable laptop) the reason why im spending a lot of time with him tonight.hehe I miss my bed that's why i slept the whole afternoon and the reason why im still wide awake as of this time. I miss Filipino food the reason why ive been eating our native delicacy eversince yesterday: longanisa and egg with sinangag for breakfast, lechon, fried and grilled fish, dilis, etcetera, etcetera.

Well, my Bangkok experience was one of a kind. Aside from being my first trip outside of the Philippines (i vowed never to go out of the country not until i get to Mindanao to complete my luzviminda tour), i had both good and bad experiences from it. Good experiences in the places i stayed and went to but bad experiences with the food and yep, with my legs.

Im getting old i guess. I dont know if im just trying to experience the "shop 'til you drop phenomenon" or im just challenging my legs to take the 10,000 steps a day plus two glasses of anlene. Nah! Im lactose intolerant so i dont drink milk. What im just trying to drive at is that my legs are $#*&@#!!! aching and im feeling them until now despite those pain-relievers im taking. What's worse? I was wearing my very comfortable sandals and mom's not feeling anything though we walked almost the same number of steps and she's 24 years my senior.

Maybe im a bit harrassed because i get to carry those shopping bags. The reason why after four days and three additional bags and box after or make that 35 kilos of additional baggage, my legs couldnt almost carry my body. I knew it! I shouldnt have haggled for goods there. For if i didnt, then we weren't able to buy more stuffs. Mom's kind of amazed as to how i asked for a bargain from the vendors at Pratunam market. I learned a few lines aside from their Sawasdee (hello!). The first line i tried was, "Tao rai?" or How much. Then the vendor answered me with funny-sounding-i-didnt-understand-a-single-word sentences. In short, i ended up asking "how much" and received a one-liner "one pipty." It would have been simpler.

As the days passed however, i learned the business. Buy at least three of the same kind and you'll get the wholesale price. In short, i was able to get a blouse with the same design in three different colors. I started to get used to "Lot noi" or "discount" and the "Khob khun" or "thank you." One vendor even asked me to stay there to sell with her. I was good at bargaining so she said.haha I was amused. I tried imagining myself selling stuffs in the night market while in this country, im saving lives.hehehe

For the food, whew! hot and spicy everywhere! Good thing there's the ever reliable Mc Do and KFC. I didnt realize that after dieting here in the Philippines, i will only be breaking that regimen by consuming a go large big mac meal! Aaaargh! My flabs reappeared on my 2nd day there despite of not really eating much...much of Thai food. In short, i ate anything except the very hot and spicy ones. Blame the buffet hotel breakfast! Definitely i'll never forget the sampaloc - bought 10 kilos of it. Sheesh! I just dont know what's in their sampaloc but it really is different from our native grown ones. Was a bit disappointed though for i wasnt able to taste their lanzones that's well-endorsed by a friend. It's season is usually in September of course. I should know - it's my favorite too.

One should never forget to watch the Siam niramit show when in Bangkok. One of the best plays i've seen so far. The technical stuffs were great! I was just surprised to find a river appearing on stage complete with the bancas and diving acts. How about those lightning and rain? Really one of a kind and worth watching again.

The grand palace tour was also amazing. I tend to appreciate the Thai's efforts in preserving their culture and religion. The dinner at the fisherman's seafood was also great. The riverview was romantic (ahem!). At least not as stinky as our rivers here. I got intoxicated there actually. Intoxicated with all those seafood stuffs! Antihistamines for my allergy then came in handy.hehe

Now, about other things known to Thailand, dont ask me anymore. Ive never been to the Chatuchak market for we went there on weekdays. Ive never visited the elephant show either. Just ask me anything about shopping especially in Pratunam and i guess i can tell you some stories.hehe

Weirdest Thing

2008-02-29T19:38:00.000+08:00

I love bears...ive got lots of them as stuffed toys. Tonight, i just knew the reason why. Gives me the goosebumps actually. For non-Harry Potter fans, a patronus is a "guardian".

What is Your Patronus? Version 1

Your Patronus is the Bear! The bear is a symbol of gentle strength, instrospection and dreaming. He is a very powerful symbol in Native American beliefs. As your Patronus, the bear will use all of his strength to defend you. Congratulations!That your Patronus is a bear says that you are a dreamer. You have a quiet inner strength that reveals itself when you need it most. You are also rather introspective. Try not to focus too much on how you are inside at the present moment, but on how to improve it, and you will be a great witch or wizard!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

I Can Cook...That's All

2008-02-26T20:05:00.000+08:00

Was home early today. It's an unspoken rule that whoever comes home first, he/she have to cook the rice. Our helper goes to a night school. She cooks the food for dinner before she leaves. Except the rice of course because even if it stays in the rice cooker, it still is not good to eat by the time that we eat. So much for the introduction. Let me now go to the gist of the story.

Did i ever reveal in this blog that im a mermaid? Hmm, i mean i dont eat fish...the big ones i mean. I could eat any fish smaller than a bangus even if it's dried. The reason? Fish are friends...not food. Seriously, im scared of bigger ones. I have this mentality eversince i was young that they eat humans. Well, it's not that i still believe this until now. It's just that i cant stand their fishy smell. That's all.

As i was about to cook rice, i saw that our helper left with a "fish meal". Meaning from the sabaw to the "dry" meal, they're all fishes! All big fishes! A big EEEeeeew too from my part. I skip dinner most of the time but not tonight for i didnt have snacks before i left the hospital.

Mom has been telling us that in order for us to survive, we must learn how to cook - at least our favorite dishes to be exact. I know how to cook and based from the judgement of others, i am a good cook. This after i threaten them should they say anything bad about my cooking. Must have gotten this from dad. He cooks the best tinolang manok in this part of my town...and bakaretas, and turbo-broiled chicken..and..sheesh im getting hungry.

Anyway, asked my sister to buy a chicken on her way home. Was planning to turbo broil it dad's way. I dont know how he mixes the spices, but i marinaded it my way. Stuffed it with lemon grass and some salt and spices, layered it with salt, basil leaves, pepper and what-have-you's spices from the pantry. Saw a can of evaporated milk too and off it went into my marinade.

Then i placed it in the turbo broiler. Twenty minutes passed and i could see little improvement in my chicken skin. Impatient that i am and hungry at that, i heated the gas oven and eventually transferred my chicken there. So a previously turbo broiled chicken came out of the oven as a baked chicken after another 20 minutes.

I made some gravy with my marinade adding stuffs that i could see within my perimeter that i guess are edible. Basically, i came out with a gravy made of marinade, butter, hot sauce, brown sugar and flour.

Verdict time came. I made sure that my family was famished when i served my dish. This is the technique....hehe Kidding. Overall, the best comment came of course from the chef par excellance of our household - dad! "Namit!"(tastes good!)

Mom delivered the unwelcomed comment however. "Namit! Pwede ka nang mag-asawa." (Tastes good! You can now get married.)

What reaction can she expect from her cynical daughter? No other than a smirk and several paragraphs of negative reactions.

Mom, i can cook! Period.

My Living and Last Will

2008-02-17T18:23:00.002+08:00

A few months ago, i remembered posting about my 49 things. I'm starting to eliminate things i can do for now, so here goes my so called last will - blog edition. Meaning, these are just the stuffs that i could share with others. For the rest, maybe you'll get to read this when I'm dead.tee-hee

Before anything else by the way, let me enumerate a few things that i would wish before i die. In other words, before this last will gets executed - here goes my living will.

LIVING WILL

I, ____my name______, of ____earth______, being of sound mind, do hereby
willfully and voluntarily make known my desire that my life not be
prolonged under any of the following conditions, and do hereby further declare:

1. If I should, at any time, have an incurable condition caused by any disease or illness, or by any accident or injury, and be determined by any two or more physicians to be in a terminal condition whereby the use of "heroic measures"or the application of life-sustaining procedures would only serve to delay the moment of my death, and where my attending physician has determined that my death is imminent whether or not such "heroic measures" or life-sustaining measures are employed, I direct that such measures and procedures be withheld or withdrawn and that I be permitted to die naturally. Should i also add that intubations and cardiac compressions will in a way only destroy my pearly whites and break my sternum- the reasons for my choice of no heroic measures. Oh, not to mention those stinky ambubags that will be used for the intubation will do me more harm than good.

2. In the event of my inability to give directions regarding the application of life-sustaining procedures or the use of "heroic measures", it is my intention that this directive shall be honored by my family and physicians as my final expression of my right to refuse medical and surgical treatment, and my acceptance of the consequences of such refusal.

3. In the event that ive become already a corpse, i would want my mom to do my make up. No make ups from any funeral parlor that was for sure used to other dead people be applied on me.

4. Should my family and friends wish to have a wake for me, i wanted my coffin closed. I don't want people to comment on how peaceful or not i might look, or on how i gained/lost weight. In other words, i don't want others to see me when I'm dead. Geez, imagine how uncomfortable you could get inside a coffin.

5. I would want to be cremated and my ashes be given to my family and friends who would wish to keep a fraction of it. I don't want to be buried 6-feet under and be feasted upon by maggots and decomposers...ewwww!

6. I am mentally, emotionally and legally competent to make this directive and I fully understand its import.

7. I reserve the right to revoke this directive at any time.

8. This directive shall remain in force until revoked.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereto set my hand and seal this _____ day of __________, 20___.

Signed: __________

Declaration of Witnesses The declarant is personally known to me and I believe him to be of sound mind and emotionally and legally competent to make the herein contined Directive to Physicians. I am not related to the declarant by blood or marriage, nor would I be entitled to any portion of the declarant's estate upon his decease, nor am I an attending physician of the declarant, nor an employee of the attending physician, nor an employee of a health care facility in which the declarant is a patient, nor a patient in a health care facility in which the declarant is a patient, nor am I a person who has any claim against any portion of the estate of the declarant upon his death.

Signed: _____________

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

KNOW ALL MEN BY THESE PRESENTS:

I, ____my name (you know me - need not state it here)____ , Filipino citizen, of legal age, single/married (still being pondered upon) to ___the keymaker___, born on the __3rd__ of ____April_______ , 19_78_ , a resident of __earth__ , being of sound and disposing mind and memory, and not acting under undue influence or intimidation from anyone, do hereby declare and proclaim this instrument to be my Last Will and Testament, in English, the language which I am well conversant. And I hereby declare that:

I. I desire that should I die, it is my wish to be CREMATED according to the rites of the Roman Catholic Church and my ashes be placed in an urn and be kept by my family. Friends who would wish to keep a gram or two of my ashes may feel free to ask some from my family.

II. To my beloved husband (should i die 20 years from now - meaning, i already got married by that time) _____the keymaker_____, I give and bequeath the following property to wit: my loyalty and love. These are the priceless possessions that i could leave you. We signed the prenuptial agreement, remember?;

III. To my esteemed children (hmmm ill be thinking of children's names here), Celine Angela Therese and Miguel Angelo Gabriel, I give and bequeath the following properties to wit: my half a century old stethoscope - in case you would like to follow my footsteps, and the indigent patients i treated and managed in the regional hospital. Include the beauty and brains that i contributed to your being. These are wealth that noone can steal away from you. For your school, clothing, allowance and real property inheritance, let me refer you to your dad's last will;

(this space is for my parents and siblings)

(this space is for my friends and a few relatives)

VI. I hereby designate ____name of executor_____ the executor and administrator of this Last Will and Testament, and in his incapacity, I name and designate _____________________ as his substitute.

VII. I hereby direct that the executor and administrator of this Last Will and Testament or his substitute need not present any bond;

VIII. I hereby revoke, set aside and annul any and all of my other will or testamentary dispositions that I have made, executed, signed or published preceding this Last Will and Testament.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto affixed my signature this ________ day of _____________, 2008, in ________________, Philippines.

_______________________________________
(Signature of Testator over Printed Name)

----

I might sound morbid here. But hey, death is inevitable. I'm just a realist.hehe

Guilt-trip

2008-02-03T16:32:00.000+08:00

This post is a day late. I was about to post this one last night but my broadband connection was having its fits. I was planning to shift to another company yet ive heard comments that its service is not good either. Another alternative company would even be worse than the second option. What the hell's going on with these telecommunication companies? Cant DOTC try to check them out from time to time if their subscribers are getting their worth? Dimmit!

Ooops, back to regular programming.

So yesterday was my "pamper-myself-day". A lunchdate was cancelled because of some changes in the duty schedule so i was lucky enough to spend the whole afternoon with tadaaaaan...MYSELF. Geeez, i miss myself. Eventhough i was an innate autistic, i really miss myself. I mean, i havent spent quality time alone with myself. Havent asked her how she's doing. I know she's in good shape but i failed to treat her out for quite a long time now.

After spending lunch with a friend (i find it awkward to eat all alone in a restaurant...maybe im not a 100% autistic all along), i decided to give myself a treat. I went to the parlor and had my hair and nails done. Everytime im doing this, i always go into a guilt-trip and i loved the idea.

A guilt-trip? Well, i made rounds in the hospital that morning. I came from a place where money was as essential as air in order to live. Majority of our patients are literally below the poverty line. Statistics say that these are people who are earning less than a dollar a day. So that's basically around Php 40.50 with the latest exchange rate. Others dont even earn a penny. In other words, they solely rely on divine providence. Divine providence coming from a neighbor, the social service, the nurses, or their overworked but underpaid doctors.

These patients also have a family to feed. In short if they are earning less than forty pesos a day, how can they buy their medications? How can they feed their family? Guilt-tripping then came into the picture. I recalled the money i spent for lunch. A little around Php 250. How about for my nails? For my hair? For the new blouse i bought?

I felt guilty for spending such amount of money for these stuffs when in fact a lot of our patients have nothing in their pockets. I felt guilty for saving on a macbook when these people im making rounds with everyday dont even have any penny to save.

Looking at myself in the mirror while my hair was being blown-dry, i put an end to my guilt-trip. Instead, i started to be thankful for these blessings im currently receiving. Yep! Ive missed myself much for i spent most of my time with these patients. I may indulge with some pleasures of pampering myself from time to time because im just compensating for the time ive spent going on 24-hour duties. I may be splurging my money on what others might consider as a luxury, but i guess myself deserves such treat after all the toxicities ive faced in the hospital.

You know what's nice with this guilt-tripping? It reminds me always to be thankful...to be contented. Also, the less fortunate patients around me were created for a reason. They're a constant reminder that im one person blessed with so much. In short, i should never let a petty concern (like my epileptic broadband connection), an obnoxious individual, a difficult person or just anything, steal my happiness away.

p.s.
I hope some of our corrupt politicians would go on a guilt-trip sometimes.

The Chamber of Secrets

2008-01-14T19:36:00.000+08:00

I've been away from the blogosphere for quite some time. The reason is that i dont have enough trash to empty here. So a friend of mine suggested that i post something about my so-called LOVELIFE. Hmmm, is it edible?hehe Anyways, im a very private person (read: autistic). In short, i dont usually talk about this lovelife thingie. Anyways, here's a new year post as requested by you-know-who-you-are.hehe

To start with, this post might have something to do with my lovelife so im warning you this early that it might take you eons of years before you could understand my hieroglyphics. So i guess you'd better watch National Treasure 2 instead of reading this...Go Riley!hehe

Okay, i grew up as a normal kid. When i was younger, hmmm more than a decade ago, i was exposed to a lot of guys. You cant blame me. I was enrolled in a previously all boys school that turned coed when i was in highschool. So if some of you were wondering where all the guys went, then maybe they were in my school. I didnt tell you though that my parents were normal too. In other words, so long as when you're in school, having a boyfriend is a NO-NO. My mom's got a subtle way of telling me this though. It sounded like, im too young to focus my world on only one person should i commit that early. I must enjoy meeting other guys for who knows, i could meet someone better than him. Nevertheless, it still was synonymous to BAWAL ANG BOYFRIEND.

Obedient kid that i was, a smart-aleck too, i deviced something that would help make this condition possible. I created BOY BINS in my mind. Huwaaat? Yep! Boy bins. Im sorry to my dearest guy friends but i did classify you. I had 3 boy bins: the friendship, brotherly and boyfriend bins. Since im currently in the medical profession, i find these bins as outdated that i now call them as chambers. Like the chambers of the human heart. Since there are four chambers in a human heart though, i need to add one. To describe how each chamber functions might take a lot space so in a gist, here's how i categorized my guinea pigs...ooops no pun intended. I mean, the boys i've met.

1. Chamber of Friendship
- here's where most of my peers and classmates belong
- guys i could go out with until my Cinderella time who will drive me home safe
- any relationship that's not fraternal nor romantic ends here
- guys who attempted but failed to enter the boyfriend chamber end here
- they could share me their secret but i cant share mine
- could experience my pms fits and i could hurt them in a way, but since they're my friends, they chose to stay

2. Chamber of Brothers
- a chamber for a chosen few
- those who are protective enough not to let any guy come near me without passing their scrutiny - in other words, my self appointed screening committee
- those who know my weakest and with broad shoulders to offer during my drama takes
- immune to my parents' homing device - meaning mom's secure when im with them even if it's a several days of out of town trip
- the guys that my parents personally know and met
- in short, they too are immune to our guard dog - since they're the ones that i bring home - so our dog's familiar to them
- a sniff dog that i am in the past life, they dont feel awkward when i smell their armpits. Sheesh! when i do this it means that i am very comfortable with the person. If you feel uncomfortable with this, then you're not my brother...hehe Fortunately, those who are in here good smelling ones.
- immune to my pms fits too...a loving sister that i am, i am afraid to hurt them
- the only time that they might get hurt is when they would attempt to get out of the chamber and transfer to the next chamber im going to mention

3. Chamber of Boyfriends
- chamber for the guy of the future
- the chamber that's very difficult to enter - he has to pass by the chamber of brothers first remember?
- he did not just undergo my big brothers' scrutiny but my own scanning device as well - any glitch in the system would mean off to the trash bin...or the recycle bin if he has chances for change
- experienced all my pms fits and survived them
- welcomed by the bitch in me, entertained by my alter ego yet he endured
- prone to experience all the pain and heartaches that i could inflict
- the only one capable though of inflicting me pain too
- currently unoccupied

4. Chamber of Secrets
I built this new chamber recently. As i grow more mature in this so called lovelife thingie, i realized that i couldnt categorize men this easy. There are those who would cross the friendship bin and attempt to enter the boyfriend bin. There are those who are in the boyfriend bin yet are more deserving to be in the brotherly bin. As a result, i was just making things complicated. I tend to hurt others and get hurt too in the process because i hurt them. What did i just say? Sounded like a tongue twister to me.hehe

Little did I know that someone who can act all 3: as my friend, brother and boyfriend, does exist. The reason why this Chamber of Secrets was created. And as a very private person, here ends my story.hehehe

Thankful

2008-01-01T01:30:00.001+08:00

Been planning to post a year-end entry early today. Yet my from duty status overpowered me that i have to stay in bed until late in the afternoon. Couldnt make an entry though when i woke up. Our helper's currently on a grand vacation that i have to help in the dinner preparation, especially that i invited a co-resident over. Well, this isnt too late yet i guess. Hmmm, actually, this would be too early for 2008. A supposed to be year-end post is now a welcoming entry.

As i welcome another year, i just cant help but be thankful for everything that has happened in the past year. Aside from the blessings of having a great family, friends and colleagues, I know that i have to be thankful too for the pain and disappointments that ive experienced. For the difficult and complicated people who spiced up my life and made it more challenging - this includes some patients and their folks. For the toxicities that ive experienced in my work - at least im not jobless.

This blog has witnessed all those whinings and rantings. As my emotional trash bin, it accepted everything that i hurl and pour out here. My thank you goes to those who read this blog too. Some of whom ive become friends with. I hope that you dont feel miserable or disheartened after reading my posts.

Another year has started and another journey has begun. There will be disappointments and pain again to experience. Difficult people to meet. Toxicities to get over. There's one thing that's constant in my life though that made these things negligible. Recalling all those good things and blessings that ive received for the past year, i couldnt help but be thankful to the Big Guy upstairs who always keeps His eyes on me. I dont want to sound spiritual here but His love kept me going and will continue to give me the strength for this coming year.

A blessed New Year everyone.

Autism Overdrive

2007-12-22T23:33:00.000+08:00

Achooo! Sniff! Sniff!

After several weeks of being absent in the blogosphere, i guess this blog collected enough dust and cobwebs to cause me this allergic rhinitis. Whew! I need to clean up this blog before Christmas so this post.

Actually, it's not just the season that kept me busy these days. I may just be in my "autism overdrive" for i always find myself doing things on my own. Blogging excluded for of course it would mean that i will still be exposing myself to the blogosphere should i publish a post.

What kept the autistic me busy these days?

1. Uploading videos and albums to my new baby and editing my itunes library with album art included. Warning to parents: this gadget is not good for kids. If you dont want an autistic kid, better let him/her play patintero or tumbang preso with the other kids in your neighborhood.

2. Finished this book......and currently reading this one...

3. Experiencing the agony of Christmas shopping that as always would leave me drained, tired and disappointed. For the record, i still have a long list to finish. I dont know what's with me for i wanted to buy gifts that would remind me of the recipient. I am used to making personalized ones to my loved ones yet time wouldnt just allow me. Oh well, must be the reason why nature blessed me with some finances (im not computing my expenditures now...let's just say i was held up!) for i was deprived of time in return. By the way, been doing my shopping all alone. I really couldnt buy anything when im with someone. The reason why i included this in my autism overdrive.

4. Experiencing the agony of wrapping gifts. Who said that shopping is the only hard part here? Well, im an expert in gift wrapping actually. The hard part is, it's not just one or two gifts that i'm wrapping. The more gifts i'm wrapping, the more i'm reminded of my long existence. If only i were Uncle Scrooge, i may be spared with this gift-giving.hehe

Well, should i also mention that after the "responsibility and load" was lifted from my shoulders, i didnt have much trash to post here than the previous months? For the spirit of the season too, i avoided to post as much trash as possible.

There you go. If you'll excuse me, i still have a book to finish. Just would like to greet you guys a Happy Christmas!

Gone Braver

2007-12-01T22:42:00.000+08:00

I have been longing to post this. I made sure though that i am calm and more objective once i do it. It has been three days since this thing happened and i guess im calmer now. Hmmm, i hope.

Three days ago, someone buzzed me about a certain letter. A letter of complaint from the nurses in our ward. A complaint against us - our department. I didnt react until i saw the letter itself. Petty complaints and issues that were already addressed to in the past. Obviously, that letter was made out of their sentiments - not objectively done. Problem however was that they were barking at a wrong tree. They kept on blaming our system when the problem is not about our system but theirs. The problem is about their lack of staffing, their shifting, their superior and themselves.

Alright, i must admit that there's a flaw in our system too. They cannot however just put the blame on our late rounds or even on our inability to sign the prescriptions. Heck! They're too petty compared to their apathy. What really angered me was that the complaint reached the chief of hospital when in fact, we could talk things out in our level. I have a lot of complaints against our ward supervisor and the nurses during my time as the chief resident yet i talked things out with them. Been wanting to file a complaint against them too but i was a bit kind maybe. Even my co residents were tolerant to them. We understood their load. We understood their toxicity. Yet look at what they did. Twenty one nurses signed that letter. We were not aware about the problem when in fact we see each other everyday. Not until we received that letter of course. When i confronted some of them about it, they simply reasoned out that they were thinking that that letter was an attendance sheet? WTF! Do you simply just sign your name on something you didnt read in the first place? Just because everyone else's were signing it, you think it would be safe to sign it too? Where's the so called principle there? Where's the so called bravery there?

There are two things that would really anger me. One is if you lie to me and the other is if you'll betray me. I felt both because of what happened. My anger has subsided now though. The reason why im posting this already. I still cant forget what happened however. For now, I would be contented to let that supervisor know how angered i was by what they did. We had a meeting with the chief of hospital and we wasted our precious time there talking about things that were supposed to be resolved already. I was a bit relieved though after i said my part. The thing that the supervisor and her nurses didnt expect to come from me, from us. I hope that they were enlightened by what they did. Passive, apathetic and selfish that they are, i believe their letter boomeranged to them.

Again, myself surprised me. My voice didnt crack when i was expressing my part during that meeting. Before, i couldnt express myself well when i am angry. I would break my voice or i might not be able to say what's on my mind. Goodness! Have i gone bad really? Our chairman tells us that we have changed all along. We have become more assertive, combative, or whatever. Rationalizing everything, i believe that being able to fight evil doesnt make one bad. Maybe, we didnt become bad after all. We only became braver.

49 Things To Do Before I Get Married

2007-11-24T16:28:00.000+08:00

A lof of my friends have been posting their "things to do" before they die. On my part, i find marriage synonymous to death so the title. Dont get me wrong. I also want to get married. I even promised mom that i would just to assure her that her eldest daughter will never end up alone as a spinster. It would even be a double wedding. My parents' golden anniversary and my own wedding.tee-hee Oh, the reason too why i limited my list to 49. By that time, I will be 49 years old.

Have been keeping this list for a long time and actually totally forgot about it. My recent trip to Mindanao though allowed me to eliminate a good number of things in that list. Might as well post my own list here to immortalize it. At least it would be more convenient rereading it again here in my blog than flipping through the pages of that old journal of mine. Achoooo!

Those things in yellow? I achieved in just 4 days!
1. Go bungee jumping - soon!
2. Go Skydiving - someone promised me about this...hehe
3. Train in Neurology - hopefully
4. Train in US - still praying
5. Buy an Ipod - i needed it and just in time that i had the money for it
6. Get to Mindanao - been there! woohoo!
7. Tour around Asia - i hope im still alive next year
8. Own a house by the sea - just in case someone sells his/her place...hehe
9. Go to Disneyland - i would settle for the one in HK now
10. Publish a book - would having a blog be considered?
11. Compose a song - started with the lyrics but lost it!
12. Sponsor a scholar
13. Serve the Missionaries of Charity - when my schedule allows
14. Go to Calcutta, India - just to see what the place really looks like
15. Learn to drive - a real driving lesson
16. Own a car - from my own finances
17. Go to Batanes - please
18. Go out on a real date - i dont consider going out with someone as a date not unless he tells me that it's a date that were having...hehe
19. Do stargazing under the bora skies with someone special - done this before but i dont consider that someone i did this with as special...hehe
20. Travel with someone special
21. Send my parents to a vacation - i mean a grand vacation
22. Help send a sibling to school - maybe in summer, this entry will already be in red
23. Own a Canon SLR camera - hmmm, i wanted a waterproof cam too
24. Go parasailing
25. Be in two places at the same time - i was in the middle of bukidnon and CDO when we went rafting
26. Write my autobiography - hehe
27. Learn to swim
28. Learn to ride a bike
29. Go scuba diving
30. Make a compilation of my pictures of sunsets
31. Travel out of the country with my family
32. Eat baskets of strawberries with salt
33. Do someone a favor everyday
34. Learn another dialect
35. Learn another language - french, spanish, italian, im still thinking
36. Meet the pope - i was at first referring to John Paul II - now we have a new pope!
37. Go to Rome
38. Ride a helicopter
39. Live on my own - INDEPENDENCE!!!
40. Travel to new places on my own
41.Have a rooftop garden complete with landscaping
42. Buy my parents their golden wedding rings - bought them silver rings during their 25th year i hope i could buy them their rings on their 50th...=)
43. Go white water rafting
44. Put up a foundation - my memorial foundation?=)
45. Surprise someone
46. Touch a life - i believe im doing this
47. Write my last will
48. Fall deeply in love - with eyes closed...hehehe
49. Commit without fear - this isnt easy for a commitment-phobe like me.

Back From the Rapids

2007-11-24T15:49:00.000+08:00

I have been absent in the blogosphere for a quite a long time. There are a lot of things to blog of course but i was just too busy with things and of course with my Cagayan de Oro trip. Who will never look forward to that first trip i'm going to make to Mindanao? Alone? In my 29 years of existence, it would be my first time to step foot in Mindanao. This served as a challenge for me.

Now, I'm back! Back from that challenge i tested myself to take. It was really a challenge for me for it would be my first time to be in Cagayan and i could barely understand and converse with their dialect. Not to mention of course the trip that i have to take in getting there. Bacolod to Manila, then Manila to Cagayan de Oro. Can you imagine the Visayas, Luzon, and Mindanao tour that i had? Good thing i have my baby with me. Silver Snitch, kept me company during my autistic moments.

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Aside from the fact that i will be stepping foot in Mindanao for the first time, i was looking forward to that White Water Rafting Adventure that CDO is very known of. I didnt have an idea of the schedule of the convention that i attended. To my surprise though, there was a half-day activity alloted for White Water Rafting! It was one of the experiences that i will never forget! That was also the time when i realized that i have yet to add another item to the things that i wish to have...a waterproof camera!

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My 4-day trip to CDO did not just give me the time to unwind and to recharge. It also gave me a lot of opportunities to fulfill the things that i wish to do before i get married. Well, i guess this deserves another entry!hehe

Calculated Risks

2007-11-13T20:17:00.000+08:00

The deadline for my research paper is fast approaching. It's the 13th already. Nah, early morning of the 14th yet im not yet through with my paper. The deadline? The 15th! Woohoot! Cramming...cramming..panic button...adrenaline rush...whew! Why cant i feel them? Why is it that i have a feeling that the deadline be moved to a later date? Uh-oh! This cant be for i already received the guidelines for it the set deadline. It was clear in bold letters that the deadline would be before 12 noon of the 15th. Ive started my paper yet the vital information, that are my results ladies and gentlemen isnt done yet. Im still waiting for my statistician to email them to me. Problem however is that it's early in the morning already yet i havent received them yet. Nice one!

Shucks! Blunted sympathetics? I'm telling my heart to go palpitate. My brain to run and be anxious. Yet here i am posting this blog as if i have no deadline to beat. Great! Too confident that i could finish it by tomorrow (when i will also be on duty) or am i not just driven to finish the job? Too comfortable that i could get through the experience or am i just too lazy to even worry about it? Still have that trauma from the past about how unfair people here were. You give your best shot and yet it's unfairly judged. Might as well give them a mediocre work just so i could complete my requirements. At least i will not be putting pressure on myself, less expectations and disappointments on my part and i would even be making them happy if they get again the trophy.

Relaxed. No-cramming. Calculated Risks. I guess this is what im currently practicing!

Blog Clean Up 2

2007-11-04T22:49:00.000+08:00

I am dead tired. Hokaaaay! How can the dead tired still able to post another entry? Let's say my body's dead tired but my brain isn't. For you see, on a Sunday, i came home late since i have to make rounds with my juniors. We had a strategic planning yesterday and we simply grabbed the opportunity of being away from the hospital for a day. In short, we started our rounds a little late than usual.

The mere sight of my bed caused loss of consciousness. I only realized that i fell asleep when i heard my phone ringing. Half-way between being awake and asleep, i answered my call. Only to realize that i was a bit disoriented. Definitely have to hang up and i was again back into dreamworld. My brother woke me up again for dinner though that i could no longer put myself back to sleep. I have to drag myself into the dinner table but the sight of food in front of me woke me up.

Quality time with my family. This i always remember. In short, no matter how tired i am, i have to have the energy to bond with my family. Talked about my activities for the past 24 hours that i was away from home like the experiences i had with my colleagues in our strategic planning. Yep! We had another strategic planning. It's nice that for the 2nd time this year, all of us in the department went out of the hospital to realign our objectives and ourselves.

The reason for my being tired is that i didnt not just spend time with my family but my colleagues as well. Twas nice to see that there are already 10 of us in my 2nd family. I now have new younger brothers and sisters whom i guess have adapted already to our system. Twas nice to see our department grow in number. At least there are now more people that our big boss could drink with.hehe Unlike when there were just 6 of us, we were a boring lot for noone really's a drinker in our group. Anyhow, last night's activity was culminated by a drinking session at the resort's garden until the early morning. We've talked about everything under the sun...from training, to future plans, to lovelife. Epppp, lovelife? We too are normal actually.

The whole activity ended over lunch courtesy of big boss. We were seated in a long table and it really was a nice sight with all 10 of us eating together with our core consultants and their families. The sight i'll surely miss when i'm going to leave this hospital. Geez! What's happening to me? Another attack of separation anxiety?

These are the things that money cant buy. The time you spend with the people you love cant be charged to your credit card. The joys you get from the conversations you have with them cant be written off by check accounts. This is the bonding that i guess i cant experience again in subspecialty training. Actually, sent an mms to our past chief resident and he was kind of jealous with the bonding that we have. With another past senior of mine too, they even called me up to ask about the recent happening. Just so i could share with them the experience they were deprived of during their time and the joy that i might feel, i made a videocall. They get to see my colleagues, our consultants, our new siblings, our whole family. I might find another family from a new set of friends or acquaintances but nothing could equal the experience that i have with my department. The reason too why i could withstand the challenges of training in this crap hospital.

I may be dead tired physically but the reason why im still up is that the experience i had was like an adrenaline that keeps me going. I really couldnt sleep if i dont blog it. In short, it's not just all trash that im pouring out here. I'm once again doing a blog clean up. Now that ive consumed all my adrenaline here, i might now be able to go back to dreamworld.

Loving Dolores

2007-11-01T23:59:00.000+08:00

I've mentioned in my previous posts that our hospital is under a new administration. I even gave them names. So Dumbledore and Snapes were back to their homebase and we are left with Dolores Umbridge here as our chief. I called her Dolores for i could associate all those new memos she issued in the hospital with what the real Dolores Umbridge did. In attitude and character though, i guess they're just the opposites.

Yep! I'm finally loving Dolores. After the rest have left, she remained here. I dont know if it's an order that she has to follow or by freewill that she chose to stay. She's got a family in Manila and here she is, in a new place with a different dialect, all alone and without a relative. For a mother like her, what a big sacrifice it is too to leave her family for a work assignment.

The previous administration left her with a crap hospital that's full of debt and without a budget. Add also those personnel who were pro-previous administration (since they were given their monthly benefits before), who were rallying against her present administration. Well, these people should realize that after the several juggling of funds that the past admin did, the hospital is left with nothing but debt. Why dont we top this with ineffective and corrupt departments in the hospital? This, she has to investigate. This, she has to monitor, to rectify, to straighten out.

I started to love her when i attended the emergency meeting that she called. Ive seen how firm she was in implementing the rules yet she added a touch of humor in it so as not to appear bossy. She was able to warn the section heads about their inefficiencies in a manner that was not offensive. One thing that really moved me in that meeting however was when she got teary-eyed. I felt her sincerity in helping our hospital. The reason she cried was because she was so thankful to the consultants and specialists that we have here in the hospital. Consultants who are not paid for their services in training the residents yet they spent their time here. This i guess is also one of the factors that the media failed to see in this hospital. She cried because she saw the dedication in every doctor and nurse that she met. In return, she was inspired to help our dying hospital too after all the odds ive previously mentioned.

Why will i not love her? She's not a native of this place. She did not even grow old in this hospital. Yet, i felt her concern for this hospital, for us, for our patients. She has to sacrifice her personal life just for the sake of helping revive our dying hospital. I did not see this from the previous administrators that we have. Instead, they were too busy grabbing the throne. To think, these people are from here and were working in this hospital for so long yet all they did for this hospital were crap. Here comes Dolores. She's got not just brains here. The reason why i love her is because she too has a heart.

Wish Ko Lang

2007-10-27T19:09:00.000+08:00

Took a break from my readings. Yep! Been reading recently. Uhmmm when i mean recently, i meant, TODAY. I started reading today. The serious reading that is, for tomorrow would be another gruelling diplomate oral exam day. Why just now? I know that being too busy with work and other stuffs would be an accepted and expected excuse but i'd rather say that i wanted to cram, so as not to sound boring.hehe So here i am, the crammer, took a break from my readings, peeked at the tv on what's showing and posting another blog entry.

Speaking of tv, i had another helping of this segment on national tv, the Wish Ko Lang (im not plugging here, ok?hehe). Among others, i loved watching this segment eversince. I guess it's about the idea of making wishes come true that made me drawn to it. Ordinary people living ordinary lives having simple wishes, made come true by this show. I must admit that i couldnt help but shed some tears everytime i see the recipients so surprised and happy once they get their wishes. Yep! Scenes of authentic happiness...tears of joy...they still move me. The thought that there are still a few good men existing on earth made me forget about those people i abhor in the hospital. Made me more optimistic about the future, not mine but our patients.

We have a lot of stories in the wards. A lot of lives with a lot of wishes. If one would be just interested enough in our every patient's life, you'll discover not just the history of his/her present illness but the story of his/her life. In a way, being aware of who they really are, also affects my management of their cases. I would be paying extra attention to those patients of mine who are breadwinners in their families or those who were neglected by their relatives or those who are living alone as spinsters. The breadwinners need to be saved and the neglected ones need to feel that they are given attention especially if they're dying.

If i'll be given an opportunity, i would be writing to Wish Ko Lang. Problem however is that there are a lot of stories to write. There are a lot of wishes to grant and it would take months or even years before the stories i'll be sending will be read. By that time, some of my patients may no longer be around. For now, as a starter, i'd rather buy a lottery ticket so that if ever i will be given a chance to win several millions, i'll be granting my patients' wishes on my own. Too bad, Fairy Godmother disintegrated in Shrek 3 - only if she's around.hehe

On Blogging

2007-10-25T23:35:00.001+08:00

I am on duty and i am sooooo thankful that finally, after the nth time of calling our ISP's technical support number, we already have an internet connection at this time of the night here in the office. It's been almost a month that we've got no internet connection here after 5:30 in the afternoon until early in the morning at 6am. In short, those emotions that i would want to pour out in this blog during my tour of duty have to wait for the next day when i get home. Definitely not tonight. For i couldn't wait for another day to let this thing out of my system.

Today's just one of my less tolerant days. I really dont know why i seem to be this sensitive and irritable. My hormones are i guess now back to normal after i had my period, in short i'm not suffering from my monthly PMS this time. I'm scared to consider pre-menopausal syndrome but having an early menopause would be one of my differentials. I may be hungry this morning that i had a glucose shortage in my neurons which could explain my irritability. After my brunch however, i was back to an irritable me. Thanks for my talent in acting though. At least i was still smiling in front of my patients. Oh if you could only imagine how hard it is to act happy but irritated for no reason at the same time.

Maybe i just wanted peace and quiet but i had a hard time acquiring it. For you see, ive been wanting to be in my autistic mode since this morning. I dont want to be with people. I get irritated with their presence. I've been wanting to find peace and comfort in this chaotic environment that im currently in but i definitely couldnt. One, i'm on duty so i couldnt just disappear in an instance and leave my post. Second, I never ran away from my responsibilities no matter how unphysiologic i feel and this day is not an exception. I stayed, i endured, i acted, i covered up, not until the last straw was drawn tonight.

Junior, one of my junior residents pulled the last straw. He too was one of my subjects in this blog. Another irresponsibility on his part made me angry at him. Fact is, i am the most patient person left here for him. Unfortunately, he wasn't just in good timing. I reprimanded him for another blunder he has committed AGAIN. In short, twas not the first time and twas no longer an excuse for him to commit it again. Instead of being sorry though, this Junior showed me his bratty side by trying to fight back. Raising his voice and sounding irritable with his answers to my querries, I couldn't help but to show him my bratty side too! I am the chief here and i am his senior. I wouldn't stoop down at his level much so that i believe that i am right. We are talking about people's lives here and i couldn't let this thing pass without him realizing his mistake. Yet our brat here showed me his real self.

The brat in me couldn't help too but to show up. Not to mention the bitch in me who wouldn't care who i'm answering to so long as i'm sure that i am right. I will stand on my ground bullheaded that i am. I showed him who's bigger and stronger here.

With my anger, i felt like crying but i will never show these people here a single tear. Ive been needing a breath of fresh air since this morning that I took a walk in the hospital, made rounds with our patients and drowned what i was feeling in my interactions with them . Been wanting to blog earlier yet our internet connection was down. Didnt talk this out to anyone, not even to a closest friend. This is me, i dont share my crappy feelings with anyone. Dont want others to feel miserable too. In short, the old adage misery begets company never applies to me. Not unless of course you're reading this trash that you now have a share of what i feel.

Burning out. This is my diagnosis. After everything that happened today, i finally realized that i am burning out. At last, life has been fair enough today. For whatever power, our internet connection's back, take note, after about a month. Finally, i was given this opportunity to blog tonight. With this, i have one single reason to smile despite everything. I still am blessed after all! I too couldnt be more thankful than having this thought, that even in the absence of a confidante, there's this thing called Blog.

Autistic Mode Activated

2007-10-21T18:07:00.000+08:00

The month's about to end and i'm having a mix of emotions. I feel excited that finally, i'll be turning over the biggest load i'm currently carrying. On the contrary, there are deadlines that i have to meet within this month and this is the reason why i wanted the time to run slowly.

I can feel the pressure from everywhere. Sometimes, i couldnt help but get irritated by simple things. This is not PMS of course. I've got a lot of deadlines and im pushing on the panic button now. There's this 2nd part of the diplomate oral exams, my research paper, the manual of the department that i have to submit, the upcoming strategic planning, etcetera, etcetera. Whew! Problem too for i dont have the drive to finish them.

I am just thankful that i was born autistic. Times like this, i just sit at one corner and activate my autistic mode. I'll once again open my art box, take those brushes, watercolors and stuffs. Turn my player on and viola! I'll eventually forget those pressures around me. I'll be able to rest my mind even for a few hours from the things that bother me. Ahhh life! Im grateful for watercolors and brushes for though i was not born an artist, they too are beneficial when i choose to be an autistic.

Enough Attention

2007-10-18T19:14:00.000+08:00

I'm a self-proclaimed autistic. In short, i'm allergic to anybody's ATTENTION for the attention that im giving to myself is enough to sustain me. Actually, I still could share enough of my attention to anybody who wants it.

In my wish of being ignored and not paid attention upon, i realized that there are a lot of people who wished the contrary. That there are a lot of us who are lacking of it and are doing every means to have it. Knowing this made me think that i really have to pursue my business proposal. With this, i also learned to be thankful. At least i have something that a lot of people have been wishing for. However, i also realized that too much attention isnt good for autistics like me.=)

One Day at a Time

2007-10-16T18:39:00.000+08:00

Despite of witnessing deaths happening almost everyday here in the hospital for the past 4 years, i havent gone numbed to it. I still am affected by our patients' deaths. I try to detach for a few minutes as i pronounce a death to the patient's family. Once i turn my back away from them though, i am already fixing an emotional bug within me. Im thinking of the family that the dead has left behind. Much so if it's a young family. With 5 or 6 young kids to feed and the dead is the breadwinner. Im thinking of the pain that the relatives have to deal with.

Death is inevitable. It's a reality actually. It could happen to anyone, at any time and place. What's sad however is that we only realize how real it is once it happens, once we experience it. By this time, it's already too late. We forgot to express what we wanted to say. We've forgot to savor the feeling that we're supposed to experience. We would be too late to realize that death has already taken the only life that we hold on to.

It would be sad to know too that not all of us are open about this topic. How other people find it uncomfortable to talk about it. As if it would be taboo to talk about your own death. I could only relate to a few friends actually. Some are too uncomfortable hearing me talking about my own death. Others would even think that im having some bouts of depression or suicidal ideation. They are mistaken.

For me, it's only when i started to think about my own death that i started to enjoy my life. For the past 29 years, it's just recently that i seem to have fully lived everyday. The idea that everyday may be my last makes me feel unafraid of everything. I would dare do things that i think would make me happy so long as it doesnt affect other people. Like even if it would make me happy pulling the trigger on someone that really pisses me off, i definitely will not do it. It will definitely affect other people. Like making the other gunman unhappy if i cleaned up the job first.hehe

Happiness is subjective so they say. I discovered that one way of experiencing it is to perform each task that you do everyday as if it will be the last time that you'll be doing it. I realized that it changes my perception on things. That there's nothing difficult or hard to do. Thinking too that i might not meet the person im talking with again tomorrow, made me more appreciative of the presence of others. Made me savor my time with them the more. Save of course for some people i wish i didnt encounter. Their presence would make me wish that they'll go ahead of me so that they could stop affecting other people's happy lives.

My acceptance of death may sound morbid for some. This however is the only way that i am also able to embrace life fully. Living my life as if it were my last. Fact is, i already assigned a close friend of mine to comfort my parents in my grave by telling them that im ready for it. It definitely freaked him out.hehe

BLOG CLEANING

2007-10-14T18:22:00.000+08:00

Since it's a Sunday, i'll try to disinfect and clean up this blog from all my trash by posting a different entry. From now on, if you find yourself reading an entry that's rant and whine-free, then it only means one thing - BLOG CLEANING'S ON GOING.

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ON BEING GRATEFUL

Just came home from a seminary. For the weekend, we became a foster family to one of the seminarians in their immersion program. My sister and I heard about the invitation during one of those masses we've attended and it was so sad to hear that out of the 49 seminarians who are in need of a foster family, only 12 families signed up at that time. Since we've experienced adopting a seminarian a year ago, we asked our parents if we could adopt one again for this year.

So yesterday, i met him after i came home from duty. He's on his 4th year already. Quite talkative, and he seemed to be so at home already. I was thinking that maybe, they were trained to mingle with people. Little did i know about him until mom told me his story.

Ok, i shall give him a name. Call him Mar. His life is like a pang Maalaala Mo Kaya entry. Made me think that those stories on tv do happen in real life. He grew up in an orphanage. At age 3, his parents separated. His dad, a wife-beater. His mom, born from a rich family who eventually lost their riches. Just like the other rich kids, she didn't know how to cook or to fend for herself that out of need, she married his dad. Of course they couldn't stand each other that they have to part ways. There were two of them in the family. Mar was left with his maternal uncle. His mom brought his younger brother with her. During reunions or special occasions however, he could hear his relatives talking about his mom. The kind that he couldn't take. The kind that as a young kid, made him hate his mom for leaving him with his relatives. So at a young age of 10, he wanted to find himself. He left his uncle's family and he found himself in an orphanage. It's from this orphanage that's being run by a priest that he found family. Not the kind that there's a mother or a father figure though. This is from this orphanage where he grew up until he decided to enter the seminary.

I need not tell every details of his story. Maybe i could post another entry for him. Anyhow, what I'm just trying to tell myself is that, i have to be grateful for having this kind of family that i have. After meeting Mar and after hearing his story, i realized that not all people are given the chance to have a mom or a dad. Not all people have a family to gain support from. That there are people who basically live on their own. That no matter how independent i am, i couldn't picture out myself surviving without my family.

Mar was so grateful that he was assigned to our family. I'm more grateful though. His presence made me appreciate the little blessings that i have. His presence made me appreciate my family the more. My feeling of gratefulness was even more affirmed during the homily when i heard mass tonight. I could remember well the exact words of the priest:"Someone who's not grateful doesn't know how to look back: at people, at circumstances or experiences."

Looking back, there are a lot of people and experiences that i have to be very thankful of. I need not mention these here but basically, what i wanted to say is that i couldn't find ways of how to pay them back.The reason i guess why I'm in this crap hospital is because i feel that this is one way of paying back those people who have helped me all along. I'm here because i couldn't keep all those blessings I'm receiving to myself alone. Fact is, i don't think i'm innately generous. I just feel so obligated to give back to others the blessings that i receive. I'm not claiming that i'm kind or good-natured for i really am not. If i am, I'm no longer alive posting this stuff. Good people die young, right?

My Dream Work

2007-10-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

MORBID POST AHEAD. STOP READING BEFORE YOUR PERCEPTION OF ME CHANGES.

I know and i feel how fulfulling it is being a physician. There's some point in my life however that i feel tired being one. In my autistic mode, i would dream of another job. Pardon me if i would sound morbid or gory in this post. This is definitely just a dream job ok? Not unless of course i would let this dream come into a reality then be afraid of me, be very afraid...hehe

Kidding aside, after watching the movie, The Brave One, my violent tendencies came alive. Not the criminal type of course. The vigilante in me who wanted everything else to be fair. Life's never been fair of course. Thinking however that there are still people out there who live out of other people's lives, people who are commensals, worst, parasites, i couldnt help but imagine that they'd be wiped out of this earth. Our justice system sucks! Ok, rephrase my sentence if it sounds offensive. Our justice system's like a slug. Now would this sound better? If our justice system would be this slow in serving justice to those who were aggrieved, it would have been better if there are vigilantes around. If it really is true too that our justice system favors the rich and the ones in power, then we'll be thankful if there are vigilantes in our midst.

Yep! I guess im already revealing what my dream work is. When i grow up, i wanted to be a VIGILANTE. A whaaaat? Okaaaay, a vigilante! Now, dont tell mom. Ironic how i could become a life saver by day and a vigilante at night. Hmmm it probably will be taking away the routine kind of life that i have. I will be saving a life that's worth saving by day, and be taking a life worth sending to hell at night. This would be fun!

After watching the movie, i guess i would also take an automatic rifle as my weapon. As a lifesaver, i know where to hit my victim and kill him with just one bullet. Problem however is if i could hit my target.teehee Definitely will practice target shooting. What with the number of cats roaming around our wards? Oh not to mention the relatives of Ratatouille who are as big as the cats. They are good targets for my practice. Practicing in our wards however is a no-no. It wouldnt be discreet. I guess i could go to a secluded place in town and practice shooting at the...hmmm moon? Ok, a can of milk might do.

Who's on my hitlist? Nah, i need not mention them. For my own safety, just in case there are vigilante's who are already ahead of me and who are also planning to exterminate these people, i will not give a clue. They might do the clean up, and since i, the dreamer, mentioned the names of these people in this blog, might be implicated for the act.

Sharing my darkest thought would be enough for now. So long as our justice system is as slow as a slug, i shall put a slug in someone's brain - should my wish be granted. So long as there are people in the position who are using their powers and positions for personal gain, i shall keep on dreaming. So long as there are abusive personalities: patients, their relatives, hospital employees or my colleagues, i shall never let go of this wish. So long as there are people who unfortunately mutated into parasites, i will hold on to that dream.

Conservatives and religious might comment that i should not put justice in my own hands. Question is, do these people have the right to run other people's lives? Who gave them the right in the first place? Logic however tells me that if these people that im going to exterminate arent meant to die, they definitely will not die no matter how i fill their skulls with slugs. I will just pull the trigger. Let the one in great power take the last breath.tee-hee

postscript:
you know what really made me feel good about the movie? This one...

Profession Slur

2007-10-05T22:53:00.000+08:00

The reason I guess why I've been wanting to become a physician is because i wanted to feel the so called fulfillment in life. The kind when you get to help other people. You get to save them from their sickness, may it be physical, mental or emotional, and despite of being so freakin tired, you still feel happy and fulfilled at the end of day. I need not be rich. My bank accounts need not be in several digits. I need not own a big, grand house in a big subdivision. I need not even a luxurious car. I never dreamt of these when i was young. All i wanted is to sleep peacefully at night, thankful for the day, fulfilled for what ive done.

Too much for an introduction. It's just that today, i realized how some people have abused our so called profession. Oooops, i will not be talking about the Desperate Housewives thingie here. One, i havent watched a single episode of it. Two, i'm not that affected by the actress' statement. Fact is, I know myself better than her and i know what a Filipino can really do. So better not join the heat of the nation.

Let me just focus in my own little world. Let me scrutinize one by one the "profession slur" that i have experienced as a physician. People, twas not just Teri Hatcher or ABC who committed such slur but my fellow Filipinos as well. I'm doing this not to defend myself or my profession. I'm doing this as an eye opener for i cant deny what's happening around me. Ironic how the country reacted to such statement when fact is, as a physician, i dont feel protected and thanked by my own countryman.

Been working in this crap government hospital for more than 3 years now and i feel that i am very much indebted to my fellowmen. Since i work in the government, i am expected to serve the Filipino people. I felt how demanding other patients were. I experienced how unfair these people were in treating a government doctor compared to a private practitioner whom they are paying to. It seemed as if these people have contributed a penny in my medical education and that they are expecting me to pay them back. They were thinking that the food that i eat, or the expensive coffee that i drink came from their pockets. Sad to say, these demanding people are also the ones who arent even paying their community taxes. Sad to say too that a large fraction of my salary goes to taxes and this is what im experiencing from the hands of a fellow Filipino. This is fact. This is what the nation should know.

I havent really gone into an argument about this matter with someone. I am too toxic to argue with anyone and my time is too precious to be wasted on a narrow-minded creature. Same thing as what im doing with Dementress Jr, benign neglect is all that i do. Should i really lose my temper which very seldom happens, i might, i just might do the worst thing that i could imagine doing. Cast the demanding filipino with the Cruciatus curse. Kidding. I mean, ask the demanding patient if he pays his taxes and double or even triple it and send him to another hospital. Heck! One of a few reasons that could force me to get married are my taxes!

Aside from being demanding, some of them would always seek the aid of media. The most of the time one-sided mediamen on the other hand would react and hurl derogatory remarks at us. We've become a daily delicacy in the households everytime these media would ride on some issues and feast on us. We are being threatened by some patients that they will run to the media for help should there'll be a problem that will arise in our management. Should i once again lose my temper on this one, i would also bring some issues to the media. Like the government not having enough budget for health and that we too have to take a fraction of our tax-deducted salaries in order to help a patient. That there are some patients who are abusive and demanding and at the same time are not paying their taxes. That there are some relatives who never move a finger in looking for resources for their patients. That they only wait for whatever divine providence that might drop from our leaking, dust-filled hospital ceilings.

Oh, let me not forget those philanthropists. Rich people who wanted to serve the poor, the sick and the dying - for the photo ops. I always feel so exploited when i work with them. Ok, not all of them. There are some who really are genuine in their intentions. But then, really! Those medical missions? They dont impress me. Imagine a doctor being asked to volunteer for the said project and being drowned by the number of patients that come for the mission. The organizers on the other hand would appear later in the activity, fully made up, not a single sweat or oily part on their faces and not a single hair is misplaced. Some would even dare touch some patients but with an alcogel on the other hand. Of course, not to mention the camera in front of them. Disgusting!

Include also some of our kind who are a disgrace to our profession. Physicians who might have mutated from a very idealistic premed student to a very materialistic professional. Some would even look down at some doctors who can never equal their wealth or their positions. Those who forgot their Hippocratic oath. Those who forgot what a real healer is.

These people that ive mentioned are Filipinos. Most of them i guess were also the ones who reacted to that statement in that tv series. Look who's talking now? Listen to those praises about a Filipino doctor. Read those defenses that they did in favor of us. These gestures didnt move me. Same thing that i was not that affected by the racial slur that tvshow has committed.

I'm living my life one day at a time. I can sleep peacefully at night. I still feel fulfilled at the end of the day. Ok now, Filipinos, let the one without a sin throw the first stone at Teri Hatcher.

Respect

2007-09-25T22:49:00.000+08:00

Note: This post has been reedited several times in order to make this safe for public consumption. I believe in social responsibility. Much that i cant help it, but the traffic in this blogsite has increased. Thus, i have to the best that i could, screen my posts to a less harmful level, before i publish them. If you still find this post offensive though, read on, i need not explain why.=)

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I believe that respect is earned. You dont ask other people to respect you nor can you buy it from them. I for one couldnt force myself to give my respect to someone who doesnt deserve it. Just like this someone who started my day on a very bad note.

I call him with a lot of names. I think it's but normal to call someone who pisses me off with a lot of names. It's one way of releasing that uncomfortable feeling towards that someone actually. I know it's quite an un-Christian way doing such but the heck! I know however that God will understand why i'm acting this way. I'm not running for a saintly position and im not forcing my way into heaven. It's just that im this expressive when im angered by someone. Well, why should i suffer keeping this bad feeling inside of me when i have the opportunity to pour it out in this blog? Oooops, too much rationalization now.

Back to this someone, call him Totoy Bibo. I even have names for him in the vernacular that i'd rather not mention. He's Totoy Bibo, for recently, he's become visible in the hospital. I dont know if i have talked about our administrators here who were temporarily suspended from their functions a few months ago because of some irregularities. Anyhow, this Totoy Bibo was the only one left from the old administration. He's supposed to be the one in charge of training in this hospital but i really am not sure if his job description is clear to him. He's in charge with the training of the interns and residents and for the past 3 years that i've worked as a resident here, i havent seen him performing his function.

When the new administrators came however, in the person of Dolores Umbridge, Severius Snapes, and Albus Dumbledore, this Totoy Bibo became very active. He reports to the hospital almost everyday, he calls meetings most of the time and the department that he runs improved (in a way) in its services. He talks as if he knows everything that's happening in the hospital. Truth is, he has spread himself too thinly with the jobs and responsibilities that he assumes in and outside of this hospital to the point that he can't function well. He too owns businesses outside of the hospital that made him more unethical. Rumor has it that he too has the interest to the throne. The heck with that throne that it attracts personalities who are greedy to fame, wealth and position. Seems like the ring in LOTR, eh. In short, im thinking that the reason for his being very active is because he was trying to build an impression with the new administrators. Maybe, these guys could recommend him to the throne.

He's just so phony however to the point that he's quite so obvious being such. Granting however that i am wrong, the reason maybe why he's very visible nowadays and is performing his function well, is that he might be dying. Bad people only become good when they know that they're dying.

To wrap things up, i need not elaborate on what transpired today. It's just that earlier in the Tuesday conference, i embarassed him in front of Dolores. I just answered in defense of my department and of our consultants. Fact is he's the one who's at fault should the conference be cancelled for he didnt organize it. He was trying to use my consultants however as a scapegoat. I definitely wouldnt allow it to happen that i have to explain our side too. What pissed me off was that he called me in front to talk about a certain patient when in fact we werent given the protocol earlier and i didnt have the slightest idea of who the patient was. He was trying to get even by calling me in front but fact is, what he did ricocheted and hit him back after i explained my side why i couldnt talk about the patient. It turned out that the conference was not planned and organized but since he was too ashamed to admit his mistake, he put the blame to the other departments.

Tell me now if i should pay respect to this someone. It's easier for me to give my respect to the helper or janitor who works his ass off for our patients' benefits than to respect a phony individual who's covered with money, position and title and oh, greed!

Techie Mom

2007-09-24T21:34:00.000+08:00

One thing that i really admire about my mom is that she's not afraid to try new things out. If other moms out there her age, are afraid even to tap on the pc's keyboard, mom's different. She could handle a pc or a laptop, could manage excel, word or powerpoint, could surf the web and i guess she could do almost everything that's expected to be learned about technology by a mom in her early 50's. Well, she's just blessed to have techie kids, that's why.hehe At least she could call anyone from the 4 of us for help in case she'll be needing one.

Recently, we had a little argument. Little, for we really seldom argue. The topic was on which phone to order for her postpaid plan. One of her line's due for a retainer phone and i found on the list that she could avail of this smartphone that i have been crushing on since its release. Oh well, call me weird but im more attracted to phones and technology than to men. Nah, point is you could eliminate a certain gadget out of your life with less hassle than eliminating a boyfriend. Now back to my crush (the smartphone), she will just shell out a little cash in order to avail it. My mom, wise spender that she is, preferred to settle on the retainer phone in her plan instead so that she cant shell out any cash. I on the other hand (who's very much attracted to this smartphone), offered to donate a part of my salary for the said phone so that she could avail it. Of course, mom agreed. Who wouldnt take an offer? In short, she applied for that phone.

The argument came when about 2 days after the said application, she told me that she cancelled it. Huwaaaaat? She settled on the free phone instead and would want to take the cash that i'll be offering instead. Mom?!? I was kind of irritated with the said decision. Sometimes mom decides in a split second you know. I was too excited for the said phone more than her and then i will be disappointed by the sudden changes of plan? Aaaaargh! I really argued with her. I laid down my premises and supported my cause. Realizing i guess that i really have certain points, she only muttered, "There will always be next time."

For you see, about 2 or 3 years ago, i was prodding her to buy the palm treo. Being in the business world, this thing is really very handy for her. She had several considerations to the point that she already decided not to buy it. Not of course until one afternoon when she asked me to accompany her. I really dont know what she had eaten that time that i found myself purchasing the unit in a cellfone shop with her. Geez! Should i have known earlier, i must have canvassed from one store to another for a good buy. Well, this is mom!

So i totally forgot about my crush. I was already disheartened during that time. I was thinking that if mom wouldnt want it, then maybe i could have it once my plan will due for another retainer phone. I just feel sorry for this phone really fits her needs and yet she didnt want it. The phone was already out of my mind not until mom called me to accompany her again. Knowing that im the most techie among her kids, i was asked to join her again in claiming her new phone. To my surprise, mom reconsidered! She got my ultimate crush! The Sony Ericsson P1i!
The reason why i didnt want to have it myself is because of its QWERT keypad. Since mom's been using treo, she's used to this stuff. The reason why im pushing her to have it. That was quite a surprise from mom actually. Surprise for one, she realized that i was right in my choice that's why she took the phone, and lastly, i already crossed out from my budget the amount that i am supposed to contribute for this phone. Waaaaah! Oh mom!

Relieved

2007-09-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

I feel so relieved! The 2nd presentation of the interns was over today and it went on smoothly. What after threatening Murphy? Should his law had manifested again today, i'll definitely be running after him even in hell. Im exaggerating alright. Why the hell should i follow him in hell? I have enough hell-like experiences in this crap hospital already. Ooops! How many "hell" did i just type?

First time's are really different. The first presentation was almost traumatic to me. Renegade that i am though, never will i succumb and let that experience traumatize me. I learned from it and vowed to avoid committing the same blunders again the next time. This next time was this afternoon's presentation. I felt like a stage mom, anxious, nervous, concerned about the presentation. After our big boss commented about it and on how the presentor delivered her report well, i felt so happy and relieved! Imagine that at 2:25 in the afternoon, i heard the phrase, "VERY GOOD!" coming from him that's addressed to her. I've witnessed how happy she was. From the "i-am-dying-look", i've seen how her face lightened up. Whew!

Heck! What with all the encouragements and support coming from her fellow pgi's and I? Her fellow interns were helping her out with her presentation too. Others would cover for her in her duties, some would stay until the wee hours of the morning doing research for her. Also, we've used up all the encouraging words on her that we even resorted to reverse psych her this morning since this girl really has a (psych) problem. She was so afraid of the big boss and she was so anxious with her presentation. Confidence level was at 50% and fear at almost 100%. Several times did she ask me to excuse her from her duty to the point that it was ok for her to incur extensions for her absence just so she could finish her slides. Nah! I prefer an intern who could perform multitasking i told her. Not compromising her duties and at the same time preparing for her report. I could sense that this girl has something great in her but as usual, these talents are yet untapped and undiscovered. I dont know why like the other people i know, she continues to live in fear, forgetting how gifted and talented she is. In short, she continued to report on duty, she was able to finish her manuscript and was able to deliver her report well.

Goodness! Though this presentation was less stressful than the previous one, i was a bit stressed more with the reporter. When i saw her last slide though, i was relieved like her. She hugged me after most of the people have left, thanking me for the support. Oh, she was thankful with my reverse psych tactics? Like telling her that im going to send her home and that her reporting will be cancelled after all those sleepless nights and efforts that she had, after she commented that she felt like giving up. Oh well, maybe it's both a gift and a curse having the talent to deal with different kinds of people. So long as everything turns out for the good of everybody though, i will be complaining no more.

p.s.
The success of the presentation this afternoon was i guess a collective effort. Two down, and we're left with only 15 presentations.=)

New Comrades

2007-09-18T20:41:00.000+08:00

I will not wonder why it's been quite some time before i'm able to post something here. Life's been quite good with me lately that i didnt have enough trash to post. This one's not a trash either. Rather, one of a few light posts in this blog. In other words, if my other posts were trash, this one's recycled - meaning you could read this over and over again without feeling drained.

For you see, we had 3 applicants in the department. Previous interns who are committed to join our growing family. New comrades who will help us save lives and make or break lives. Saving the lives of our patients is our ultimate goal. Making or breaking the lives of our interns is secondary. Nah! For my last statement, i'll go for "making". These new comrades of ours who were previously slugs, roaches and the like, are now full-fledge doctors like us. If we broke their spirits when they were interns, then they shouldnt have applied in our department in the first place. I believe that we have one ruling objective in our deparment and that is to inspire future doctors. This one hell of profession that we have will definitely be a hell if one is uninspired and not driven. Maybe in the course of their internship, spearheaded by our big boss, we have inspired these new comrades of ours in one way or another.

I believe that with the additional members of our family, the workload will be lighter. There will never be a time that we will be going on duty alone. I hope that there will never be a time that one has to reach a point that she has to divide her body to answer simultaneous toxic referrals. I am looking forward to a 24-hour duty with a longer sleeping time. The latter, i have been dreaming to experience eversince i was an intern. I dont know if it's really me who's toxic for not being able to experience this so called complete bed rest, or maybe i just couldnt take sleeping over my responsibilities. Now as a senior, who have experienced toxicity at its best for the past 3 years, i guess i deserve some time of comfort too once our additional comrades start. I'm saying this with my fingers crossed.

The more the merrier so they say. Our family has gone bigger now. I just hope that no matter how big our family shall become, the bonding and camaraderie among the renegades will continue. I hope that we'll still be united in our goal of "saving and making lives". I wish that our new comrades also have this in their hearts and minds. Experience tells me however, that there's a "theory of natural selection" that's going on in our wards. It's not us who really screen the neophytes. Rather, it's our ward that kicks out undeserving ones and it's the ward that helps support the chosen few to survive.

Me, Murphy 'n Mary

2007-09-09T00:22:00.000+08:00

I really couldnt imagine my loooongest THREE (3) hours today! I have experienced MURPHY'S LAW at its finest! When i say finest, ive reached the point that i would really decide to quit residency training and abandon my duty today. My psyche was challenged to the fullest. My logical reasoning and objective thinking were measured. My emotional quotient was once again tested.

"ANYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG, WILL GO WRONG."

This WRONG happened to everything all at the same time. Starting at around 9 in the morning today, a cascade of events happened. An outpouring of Murphy's Law.

SCENARIO:
Date: September 8, 2007
Time: 8:30 am
Venue: A conference hall in Crap Hospital
Activity: 1st Post Graduate Interns' Conference , the brainchild of our Boss and consequently, our Department's project too.

1. Imagine a hall with jalousie windows in its entirety at 9 o'clock in the morning. Imagine how very well lit the hall was. Quite a nice venue for a conference alright. Catch is, we'll be using an LCD projector and the curtains that serve to render the hall dark were sent to the laundry.

2. The one assigned in that hall to facilitate things was off. It's a Saturday, remember? In short, have to look for someone responsible for the job. Finally, after calling the maintenance office, i was referred to the janitor who was supposed to put the curtains up.

3. The janitor who was tasked to do it was absent.

4. At exactly 9 o'clock AM, the supposed to be time of the scheduled conference, not one resource speaker was around yet. Good thing they havent arrived yet for...

5. After how many weeks of preparation for the presentation, the final slide presentation went pffft! Yep! After the main computer where the presentor was working on crashed.

Tintintin tintin tintintintintin tintintintin tintin tintin...it's almost equivalent to a wedding without the bride. The special character of the occasion. Okaaay! A wedding without a groom if as an opposite sex you felt offended.tee-hee

6. Called our boss to ask for a 30-minute allowance for us to solve the problem. It would have been worse if he comes to the venue without the presentation. The reason why i called him right away about the problem. The reply was a bit expected but i wouldnt have wished to hear. HE'S NOT COMING TO THE PRESENTATION! This is his brainchild and he's not attending it?

7. I am on duty. The emergency room was my post this morning since my junior had to make rounds to her patients. At the peak of my toxicity, i was receiving referrals from the ER nurses.

8. Out of the blue, the OPD nurse texted me too. There are 8 patients for consult. However, the doctor assigned at the OPD was on an emergency leave. Again?!!? What the hell! He once again left his post without a word.

9. Finally, a consultant came to attend. Finding herself alone however and knowing that the slides are being finalized yet, she eventually left. Great!

10. Didnt have breakfast, was hungry, was tensed, pressured, and disappointed. The food caterer was late for the appointment and couldnt be reached through her cellfone.

11. Tried to call her landline but the only available fone inside that hall has a broken pad. The number 9 pad was busted that i cant dial any number with a 9. Sheesh! The caterer's number has a 9 in it!

12. Planned to call her through my cellfone. After several calls and texts that ive made and received however, my fone was on the verge of draining. Not a single soul in the hall has a charger. Mine was in our conference room.

13. Called up our office to ask our secretary for my charger but she was not around. Called her up through her fone with the remaining life that my battery has. She couldnt be reached!

Aaaaargh! After all of these, I found myself standing on the stairway outside of the conference hall breathing some fresh air. I really was contemplating resignation. I have invested too much effort and time in this project too. By whatever force there is and whatever law of murphy or whoever, everything just screwed up! What's worse was that the man behind all of these decided to cancel everything! I felt like i was abandoned in the battle by my superior. I've supported him in this project, spent time with the interns too knowing that this project could benefit them. I've done the best that i could for the activity, the presentor prepared for this too and it was that simple for him to cancel everything? It's like all our efforts were doomed to drain. This was supposed to be a great project that's facing its death before it is even born. Hmmm, call it abortion?

While thinking of the most logical thing to do, i realized that i was standing right in front of the image of the Virgin. I remembered that it's her birthday today. Greeted her and asked her for whatever enlightenment. Asked her for comfort too. I was on the verge of crying but since i was in that public place, i dont want to expose my tears to whoever was around. I wished for all these things to stop from happening.

By whatever Divine intervention, all the wrong things that happened were corrected. The curtains were up, the food came, the slides were finalized again, my co-residents covered at the OPD and at the ER, after we've talked, the Big Man behind all of these decided to come to the venue and finally, the presentation was pushed through! Not only that, the Big Man was a bit contented with it. I was anticipating a walk-out drama should the presentation be a crap and couldnt meet his standard.

By 12 noon, while admitting patients at the ER, i received texts from our interns asking me to go back to the venue to eat. The big boss called me too. I guess he was already munching on that lechon that ive painstakingly (kapalmuks) asked from a drug company. Whew! All the while i was thinking that that pig will die without a purpose. Only to find out that its death was in celebration of a victory and the birthday of the one who countered Murphy - Mary.=)

The 48th Hour

2007-09-07T00:31:00.000+08:00

I survived my 24-hour duty as the lone resident yesterday. After admitting 33 patients for the whole 24 hours, take note, the previous' day duties only had 14, i still am awake on my 48th hour. Together with two of our interns, who woke me up from my slumber by invading my room, we're finishing a report that's due on Saturday. Just got back from Mc Donald's after our caffeine fix. We realized that all three of us were on duty the other night and we needed it to power us up. With the way things are running now, we're expecting to last for a few more hours. Tsk! Tsk! I really cannot understand why people always love to cram.

The Child Within

2007-08-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

I dont know why im feeling this way. I just feel soooooo light and ecstatic. It seems that i also lost one thorn deep within. It really feels different when your prayer is granted. For you see, i just blogged about it this weekend and today, i witnessed what i wished to see. Need not tell the details but all i can say is that nothing's better than an honest and sincere communication.

How i wished i was back to the time when i was a kid. Kids dont keep grudges or resentments. When they would have arguments among their peers, they may punch each other or shout at each other just so to express what they really feel. A few hours or the most a day after, they're back as friends again as if nothing happened.

I wish as an adult i am like them too. What i couldnt understand is that as we grow older, we lose that child within us. Instead of becoming more courageous to express what we really feel, we tend to bottle up our feelings and in a way suffer with it. Must be the reason why there are a lot of us who feel unloved. Why there are a lot of misunderstandings that remained unresolved in time. Why there are a lot of relationships that were never patched up. Must have been our experiences of pain, disappointments and betrayals as we grow older that make us less expressive of what we really feel.

It's quite sad to know that it would take years for some to settle their differences or conflicts. I'm just so happy though that today, i've witnessed two mature individuals who set the child within them free. I wasnt seeing two adults talking rather two kids who were making peace with each other. Fact is, it only took them less than an hour to settle years of misunderstandings.

I always make it a point to listen to this child within me. She cries and she complains, everytime i carry something deep within that i couldnt express. Resentments, anger, grudges, they consume her. This is the reason i guess why most people i know find me confrontational or gutsy when it comes to these stuffs. I dont want her to carry that load. I dont want her to grow old and mature and eventually lose her zest for life. I dont want her to live on resentments and eventually realize that ive wasted so many years letting her live in such mess. I dont want her to lose her optimism and idealism. Life's always been unfair and without these, she might not be able to see its beauty. Life's really so damn short to live it in misery. Why will i spend most of it in pain or in suffering when i have a choice to live otherwise?

Sheesh! What am i talking about here? It's either i'm having a regression or i'm dying. Hmmm either way, i know i'll be dying in peace.hehe

On Gratitude

2007-08-25T22:43:00.000+08:00

I was brought up in a home where charity and gratitude matter. I was taught to share my blessings and at the same time, taught to look back on the people who have been instrumental to my growth as a person. Whether that person has been good or bad to me, in a way, his/her presence in my life has contributed much to my maturity. I will forever be grateful to them. Yep! No matter what pain i have experienced with them in the past.

Fact is, I dont live on resentments and i will definitely have no time for vengeance. If other people have done me more harm than good, then there's noone to be blamed but myself alone for allowing it to happen. In short, i just have to live with the idea that there are naturally bad people and these bad people were created for a purpose too. It all depends on how i'll let them affect my life. Everything lies on how i would let them mold my character.

Recently, i received a call from a junior consultant who happens to be a former senior resident of our department. I felt all her pain and resentments to our department and to my former seniors too who happen to be her juniors. When i was an intern, i already witnessed this conflict between her and her fellow residents. Ive seen both sides of the coin. Ive kept mum though and kept my opinion to myself knowing that i would be in no position to intervene. After more than three years, i was called to be involved. Receiving that call, hearing her side of story and emphatizing with what she felt, i feel that there's a need for me to eventually say something.

She resented the fact that her juniors where ungrateful for what she had done for them. They were talking behind her back, were talking bad about her, and did not talk things out with her. I am not taking sides here. Both parties are close to me for in a way, they both contributed to where i am in right now. What i just cant take is the fact that why on earth can other people be so ungrateful? This junior consultant might have lapses or deficiencies but these are not enough reasons for her junior to talk bad about her especially to our chairman. Fact is, not because you can already stand on your own feet or fly on your own wings, you'll eventually forget what someone has done for you when you were a fledgeling. She was way ahead of them and for sure, she has trained them too when they were just starting. This i guess would be enough for her juniors to pay her a little respect too even if they forgot how to be grateful.

Noone's perfect shall we say. I for one have a lot of resentments too to my seniors. These arent enough though for me to forget all the help that they have extended to me when i was just starting. As previously mentioned, i dont carry these resentments with me. I have enough responsibilities to carry on my shoulder. To degrade someone though or to assassinate her character for whatever benefit is quite unreasonable. If this junior consultant had been selfish, much that i felt that my seniors have no right to be ungrateful to her for they themselves didnt differ much from her honestly speaking. Hearing the extent of the damage that they have done to her life is not even enough reason for me to lose my respect on them.

There's a truth really to the old adage that one mistake is enough for other people to forget all the goodness that you've done. Her good work's eventually forgotten. Instead, she was more remembered for her absences and excuses. All eyes were on her, awaiting for her to commit another mistake. With this kind of working environment, not even i will choose to stay and suffer. She was also a victim of circumstances. She lived in the time where our chairman was yet untamed. Untamed for he'll lash you out with those words you couldnt take. If your motto is not "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me," you'll eventually die bleeding in the battle of words. This was what happened to her. She wasnt able to express her side. She wasnt able to talk things out. She was just too damn afraid to speak out or maybe too wounded to reason out.

I'm not talking that our chairman heard just one side of the story. Independent and open-minded that he is, i know that he didnt not just take stories from the other side and believed them. How can he weigh things out however for the problem with our junior consultant was that she didn't say a word. She didnt explain her side. What made things worse was that she left the department without a word leaving a mark of an ingrate.

Recently i discovered that despite of what happened, she was still grateful to the department, to our chairman and to her training. She will not be the most trusted consultant in the hospital she's currently working in if she's not trained well, this she claims. She also believed that her being was molded by her training in our institution. Like me or anyone of us for this matter, she too has an ambition to subspecialize. The problem however is that she couldnt move on and eventually take a step higher. This thing, for the past three years, still holds her down.

It's so sad why some people really just couldnt talk things out. It would take years to settle old conflicts. It would take years to unload one's resentments. The courage to talk and to express one's self is actually not proportional with age i realized. Not all people have the guts to really say what they feel. The reason why most of us feel unloved, unappreciated and unaccepted is because it's usually hard for us to say "i love you," "thank you," or "im sorry." I just couldnt imagine living such kind of life for i might be given just a few number of years to live. I dont want to waste it by not sharing a part of myself to others.

This Monday, i pray that everything's going to be ok for her. Our chairman initiated the move to talk to her again. This happened just out of the blue. Or maybe, a caring father that he is, he has been thinking about her all along. I believe in his independent mindedness. I also believe in his fairness. I just pray that on our junior consultant's part, she'll be open-minded and remorseful too. I also hope that she could express what she really wanted to say and not wait for another three more years before this century old conflict be settled.

With my fingers crossed, i hope to witness a revival of the story of The Prodigal Son, our Department's version!

Family

2007-08-23T21:49:00.000+08:00

For once, let me post something lighter in this blog just so to prove that this isnt just 100% ranting. You see, for the past few days, i couldnt help but look back on the decisions i've made after i passed the board exams. Passing that exam meant another chapter of my life ended and that i was bound to start another one. I couldnt imagine how i asked for signs and divine intervention on which road to take. I was verrrrry toxic when i was an intern that i decided to be an academician instead after the boards. Also, I couldnt take seeing my patients' lives drift away in front of me that i was discouraged to take further training.

My mom, optimistic that she is as ever, encouraged me to train. "What will happen to our health system if all the doctors will be as chicken as you are?" This she kept on asking me. I realized that she has a point there. Noone becomes a good doctor unless he/she trains. If i was afraid and affected by my patient's death, then i should give my best in return. In short, after several signs and after some time of thinking and rethinking, and not to mention that looooooongest month i've spent at home (since i've got nothing to do), i decided to train.

What specialization? My first love was really pediatrics. I love to be with kids. I hate their parents though especially toxic ones. Oh, not to forget their grandmothers - even more toxic than the parents. Imagine the scenario of having one toxic kid getting sick with almost a baranggay of relatives with her coming inside the emergency room. Since i also asked for a sign that i will train in the subject where i will excel in as reflected by my board rating, i took internal medicine instead. Did i mention that eversince, i was a lolo and a lola's girl? In short, i could relate well with the geriatrics too!

So here i am, currently in my 3rd year of training in internal medicine. Looking back, i really didnt have regrets that i pursued this specialization. What hindered me from taking pediatrics too was the fact that i really was not comfortable with the people around me in that Department. I felt no sense of family. Really! Even if people will tell me that their chairman was a mother herself, i didnt feel her being motherly when i was an intern. Other people even discouraged me to take up IM since aside from the fact that the department chairman was the strictest of all chairmen, he was also known for his temper. I witnessed it myself take note, on my first day as an intern in the department. A joke's running in the hospital too that the dreaded consultant in the pediatrics department was teased by their residents for according to them, he was the reason why i didnt pursue pediatrics since i was afraid of him. He on the other hand was wondering why i wasnt afraid of the IM's chairman. The punchline was, because IM's department chairman curse in English and not in the dialect.

Three years have passed and i could say that i still could stand another year here. Yep! Despite my toxicity. Despite those whining and rantings ive been making here. Actually, i was whining more about this crap hospital i am in right? Not about the department where i currently feel so at home. Sob! Am i having a separation anxiety here? Im not having my PMS right now but i just feel so melodramatic.

You see, i am called a resident because basically, i reside in the hospital. Every 3 days, i go on a 24-hour duty. Everyday, even during holidays, i report to the hospital for more than 8 hours. If i dont feel at home in this purple office that we have, then i will always be in a hurry going home. This what makes our department different from others. The camaraderie, the relationship with my colleagues, this i wouldnt trade above anything. The dreaded chairman that most people find to be is i guess the warmest and the most sincere of all. Ive witnessed his temper but i also witnessed the lighter side of him. This made me understand that the reason for him being such is because he just wanted the best from us. We are given the freedom to test our wings yet at the same time, we are guided on how to land. We could express our individualities without fear of unacceptance or scrutiny. We are pushed to our limits yet we are constantly encouraged to move further.

I may have experienced pains especially from that someone ive been ranting about here, yet this isnt enough to discourage me. I believe that there's always a deviant wherever you will go. Her presence is enough to spice up my stay here especially when things become a routine and get boring. Actually, she's a constant challenge to my patience and maturity. Other than this, i found another family outside of my home. With this, i will not wonder why a lot of our interns started to love the most dreaded department in the hospital. I will not even wonder why there will be a number of applicants who will be coming over. Work will only be work if you dont enjoy and love it. In the department where i belong, noone's working. We simply live everyday of our lives and enjoy our journey.

Aaaaaargh! Barf bag! I need a barf bag! Aaaaaack! You see, when im posting such stuffs as this one in here, i get sooooooo sick and uncomfortable! Oh well, let's just say that im selling our department. This is just one way of telling those who read this blog that we are now accepting applicants for residency training...hehehe

The Jungle

2007-08-20T21:03:00.000+08:00

Many times have i described my workplace as a jungle in this blog. Wild beasts are all around me. From the administrators to the employees, down to the patients and their relatives, they all were scaring me to death when i was yet a neophyte. No longer now. With the theory on natural selection otherwise known as the "survival of the fittest," i could say that i have finally adapted to this kind of life. I have assimilated myself in their midst, but take note, my principles and values all remained to be intact. I started to find my niche though in this jungle and i am grateful that i have chosen the right one for me from the start.

Always on my autistic mode, i have become observant of the people around me. I tried to study and examine the predators in this jungle. It's like, knowing thy enemies if you wanted to survive. Eventually, in my 4 years of existence in this institution and that includes my internship, i was able to categorize these beasts based on their performance and character. Pardon my choice of words. This blog is meant for ranting and destressing. If some words make you puke or arent easy to swallow, feel free to click on that red x tab at the upper right hand corner of this window.

To continue, here's my list of the jungle creatures in this place im working in.

1. Eri the Elephant

He tops my list. Eversince i was an intern, i just couldnt take his face. Nah! Dont get me wrong, i dont discriminate and judge people by their appearance alone. It's just that he was gifted with a pachyderm face and an equally pachyderm character. Pachyderms are defined as large, thick-skinned mammals, and this is where Eri belongs. If his face and character arent that thick, he would be ashamed to throw stones at other people who are allegedly not performing their duties well when in fact, he would be in the top list if i were to judge him. He would be ashamed to cover up his blunders just so he would appear as Dr. Nice-Guy or Dr. Efficient. He would even be more ashamed to take another position in the administration when in fact he couldnt even perform well in his other duties as of presstime. Lastly, if he were not a pachyderm, he would be ashamed to gain wealth from other people's poverty. I need not elaborate more in this matter for i might give away the clue of who Eri really is. By the way, he's Sunny's sidekick today and Ben's the next day or vice versa. In short, he's got no loyalty other than to himself.

2. Sunny the Snake
Someone who appears very religious but pardon me, in the name of God, i hate his religiosity. I can see him in the church, i can see him in religious affairs but goodness, is he attending these ceremonies for the purpose of earning indulgences? Maybe he's making up for his wrongdoings too, that's why. He's got a sweet tongue too! He could convince people with his arguments and he could convince the higher officials that he's not the snake. Tsk, tsk, who convinced Eve to eat the apple anyway? He'll bite and eat and hibernate when he's full. In short, he'll acquire wealth for himself and will eventually remain deaf and blind with the problems of the hospital. I just hope i'll see him in the streets of China someday and be eventually made into a delicacy so that he could be of use to others. He's Ben's best enemy.

3. Ben the Baboon
If i were to describe a baboon, it's a large, loud monkey. Even encarta describes it as someone who's rude, unintelligent, clumsy or uncultured. This is where Ben fits in. He may have a lot of ideas and plans for this jungle but goodness, he's not thinking first before these ideas come out of his mouth. He's got poverty of words, errr i mean poverty of intelligible words for most of those that come out of his mouth were pardon me, nothing but crap. He may have good intentions but he doesnt know how to put these stuffs into action. He serves as the guardian of the jungle against those predators ive earlier mentioned but he just doesnt know how to find the proper venue to implicate them. Equipped with his long snout, he's fond of babbling to hear himself out. He's Sunny's long-time contender to the throne and his bitter half.

4. Bry the Crocodile
He was at first, Sunny's good friend. They cover up for each other in their corruptions. Im thinking that there was an unequal sharing that happened here causing him to blow the whistle against his old friend. He eventually changed allegiance and joined Ben's side. Together, they hit the one on the throne with their media campaigns thinking that the higher officers will not hear them. They were eventually heard and it was not just Sunny who was relieved from his position but the two of them too. He's got a thicker skin than Eri and harder too. In short, he could perform his evil ways without just shame but without fear too.

There are still a lot of characters in this jungle where i am in but these four top my list so im giving them the limelight here. In my four years of existence in this place, they made my stay colorful and dramatic. Character assassination, mudslinging, verbal arguments, these made our Tuesday conferences exciting. Oh well, Tuesdays are boring now without Sunny and Ben picking on each other. With only Eri left, who always takes the spotlight, I always make sure to keep an anti emetic handy. Most of the time though, it's quite beneficial to attend the conference with an empty stomach.